Random question - what dose sex feel like to an asexual?

[Keelah!]

I've always felt uninterested and disconnected when having sex. It's a casual realization of, "My mind is clearly not in the same place as their mind is, and I could very easily stand up and walk away from this right now." I've had three sexual partners in my life, two men and one woman, and my mentality remained the same with all three.

The longest sexual relationship I was in lasted a bit over a year, in which I had surprisingly frequent sex - sex came to me as an "act" of sorts in which I was hyper-conscious of my motions and the ultimate goal was to please my partner, so I saw it as more of a performance on my end rather than an enjoyment that I was equally participatory in. My partner did attempt to reciprocate, though I never climaxed, and would ask him to stop after I became bored.

I question whether it's a matter of me always having "bad" sex, and I wonder if this might change with a more capable partner, but I have no innate desire or drive to test that hypothesis. Whenever I'm presented with an opportunity, I'm apathetic. I'm not repulsed by sex, but neither do I have the desire to pursue it, and if I don't desire it, I should not force myself to participate in it. I don't think it's fair to myself, nor to the other person.

[Xavy]

Sex never felt good to me. That said, It doesn't feel bad either. It just doesn't feel like anything special to me. Society in general makes such a big deal about sex that I was totally confused and a little scared when I discovered how indifferent I was to it. I literally went though the full cycle of denial, bargaining, anger and then finally acceptance of this fact about myself.

[Bindaeyen]

First of all, for me I consider sex as anything involving an orgasm(or an attempt to make th other orgasm). Going by OP's rules, I've only had sex a few times.

Lower-level stuff is quite nice for me. Heavy petting, nipple play, and so on. It's very full of emotion for me, and I enjoy the closeness and trust that it involves. Honestly, the closer to cuddling it is the better. However, more 'serious' things like oral are just...annoying, and boring, on the giving side; and-while pleasant-not particularly amazing when receiving. Usually, after a minute or two I'm ready to just call it quits and cuddle.

For me, there's definitely a disconnect when things begin to get too sexual and not sensual. The line is hard to pin down, though, since it seems to vary from day to day.

[genericsydace]

I'm definitely detached from it as a concept (and as a wider concept of "intimacy" that may or may not lead to physicality).

I've described it to my partner as "on par with doing the ironing". I don't understand the need for it and gain no enjoyment from it. Apparently that makes it difficult for her to enjoy as she sees my face blank and my eyes with a faraway look (and I'm probably thinking about work or solving a puzzle).

[AnaMaria]

For me, there's definitely a disconnect when things begin to get too sexual and not sensual. The line is hard to pin down, though, since it seems to vary from day to day.

I really feel the same! No problem with petting but when its oral and penetration its just about the genitals and thats a turn off for me. Cuddling is emotional, only genital rubbing is not emotional to me.

[jlynn1811]

It's hard to describe how it feels because all I can remember is how I feel internally. Usually boredom, sometimes mixed with anger because I don't understand how I didn't figure this out before I got married. 554 thrusts before he finally fucking came tonight (8 long minutes).

[Senseofwonder94]

I had sex before (the last time in February this year) and I will probably have it again when things feel really right. But I have high standards and I´m not in a hurry or "pushed" by any biological need. I don´t feel repulsed by sex itself, just by all the instrumentalization and commercialization surrounding it - and by the selfish and pleasure-driven mentality it often creates in people.

During the actual sex, I have problems focussing on the bodily aspects (or the "hotness" or "sexiness" or whatever), I just drift calmly into some meditation techniques and visualize energy flows and things like that. Daydreaming, contact with a deeper self, and all that.

So how does it feel for me? I would say kinda detached from the physical side, but good inside the mind. Sex is for me an act of kindness and warmth, not of horniness and quick pleasure. I hope I haven´t shocked you ;).

Sophie

[James-eu]

Well, as an asexual I never felt any pleasure during the act, besides being painful and uncomfortable, it felt unnecessary and boring.

What a brilliant description.

Unnecessary, boring, awkward and more than a little unnatural, for me.

[DotCom]

My favorite part was the pot of coffee we drank together afterwards.

[Yoruichi]

I feel almost nothing, physically. Probably because I never get aroused. I just tend to get bored, and sometimes annoyed if it's taking him too long. To me, sex is just very...unsexy...

[songchick]

I have had sex with several different (male) partners. (I am female) Penetration feels like nothing, just skin on skin. I am able to orgasm with clitoral stimulation, but only one guy was ever able to make it happen (orally). But I just dislike sex in general. I mean, if I knew someone I really liked, and had a great friendship with him, then ok. But it is just completely alien to me.

[Lia]

Moved to The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions

Lia
Asexual Q&A Mod

[Deleted_026]

It starts all intimate and exciting and I feel very close to the person I'm with. I guess that's the sensual bit. Then it slowly degenerates into a mechanical and laborious chore and I feel more and more distant and sad, and (in the past, at least) anxious about my lack of response/enjoyment.

[jellycats]

I've not had sex and to be honest not sure if I want to, but I do want children. I have done sexual things and didn't enjoy them at all. Anything below the waist to me is really a huge turn off. I like hugging and SOME kissing of the right people but nothing more. I hate it when partner likes to kiss alot and tries to get further down, I feel as though I have to cause I've led him on. It makes me cringe though and I'd just rather keep my distance from them.

[NapalmNovocaine]

I touched on this topic in my first post, but I feel like it merits repeating in this thread. For a female who does not feel sexual attraction and does not experience sexual arousal, sex is very uncomfortable at best, and excruciatingly painful at worst. The discomfort and pain are not restricted to the vaginal area, but that is probably where they are the worst. For me, being touched by someone to whom I’m not sexually attracted makes my skin crawl. You know when an itchy fabric has been rubbing against the same part of your skin for a long time, perhaps when you’re standing on the bus and can’t let go of the handle to adjust your clothing? Or when you’re trying to focus on something important, but someone is yapping obnoxiously in the next room and you feel the bristle of irritation spreading from your shoulders to your gut? It feels like that (at least for me).

But I was usually able to climax when I had sex (before I realized that I was asexual and I believed people when they told me that I just needed to have a lot of sex so that I could get used to it). I’ve never met a truly sexual person who has been able to understand that being able to have an orgasm does NOT make the sex enjoyable. I would feel the warm chills and shock waves of an orgasm, but I also felt like the guy was rubbing sandpaper on my naughty bits. Even with the arguably agreeable peripheral sensations associated with orgasm, it was by no means a pleasurable thing.

I should also convey that I was raped once. That incident didn’t “turn” me asexual. I already hated sex when it happened, but it was the first time that I actually said NO and tried to fight the guy off. To be perfectly honest, being raped felt exactly like having sex. There was no difference at all. Subsequently, I’ve experienced a very limited number of sexual attractions and in those cases, sex felt exactly the way it is described in the romance novels – amazing. But the sexual encounters that I’ve experienced in the absence of sexual attraction all felt exactly like being raped. I’m sorry if that is offensive to anyone, but it’s my honest assessment of how it felt. Uncomfortable and painful, and accompanied by the guilt that I felt for not enjoying sex the way a woman is “supposed to.”

[That asexual guy]

Like work

[ItAllMakesSense]

It seems like a lot of people are grey according to the poll results.

I have had sex. I don't mind doing it if my partner likes it, and as long as I don't mind his style and of course he has to be respecting me enough where I'd want to please him. I'd do it for him. If it were my terms, I'd just cuddle. For me, it's about sensuality.

[mumbling]

Being asexual just means not being sexually attracted to people. Asexuals can still have a libido (though some do not) and asexuals can still function sexually (though some may also have physical things going on, like ED or vaginismus, which might make things more difficult).

I imagine that, physically, sex feels the same way to me as it does to a sexual person. I just don't really find others "sexy" or pursue sexual relationships. I'm also aromantic, and it seems that many people also have an emotional/romantic compoenent to sex for them, and I do seem to lack that. For me, sex is just an attempt for both parties to have orgasms, there is no emotional closeness to the act for me, and it's actually less appealing than masturbation for me.

I've had plenty of sex when I was younger, enjoyed it at the time, don't miss it at all, and could happily go the rest of my life without ever doing it again.

This is similar to my experiences.

I fall in love on occasion, however, and I do experience some sort of sensual attraction where I reciprocate with feeling when we kiss and cuddle (but I really have to be in love). The sex, though? My partner could just as well have been a vibrator. It sounds very callous, but I don't experience any sort of emotional benefit to having sex. It becomes a very mechanical chase for an orgasm. Therefore, I take very little pleasure in giving, while preferring receiving. If it takes too long, I become extremely bored. Again, I'm chasing a high. I'm not there for closeness. Sex can be the biggest waste of time ever. And I absolutely hate kissing while having sex. Kissing is only meant for cuddling. :)

I like all the physical sensations, even penetration. It feels great. But not so great that I'd actively seek it out. TV, books, music, good food... All those things are better. :)