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For asexuals that are not virgin, Is sex better than masturbation?


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#1 Wisdom

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 03:29 PM

Well, the question seems somewhat stupid, because if we say asexual we think of not liking sex, but I just wanna know, for those of you how are still finding themselves asexuals but have tried sex, is the pleasure different? It's better like sexual people say?

 

For me masturbation is really unpleasant. I wish I have not a libido at all, I never know if masturbating or not, because If I do, I never enjoy it, if I don't do, it's bad for the health (read it), and I have a low but among normality libido, and it's kinda more dirty to just let it go during the night.

 

The thing is that, alongside with my repulsion to sexual organs, I really don't know if I will really have sex. I will have with a person I love just for her, but indeed I think I will very pleased of having an asexual girlfriend, no sex, just everything (I'm warm) like kissing, embracing SPECIALLY, sleeping together SPECIALLY, touching... but if sex pleasure it's like masturbation I'm not sure I would like to do it, just too much for that little, I don't know if I have explained myself, I'm tired today (lol and I still have to go to the gym...) and my English would be terrible...

 

What I know for sure is that I'm HYPER really HIPER romantic. And I love beauty, physicall beauty... I can fall in love just by physical appeareance, and I have to admit that I treat better people that looks good... As I have told other times, I myself wanna be a model. I will find difficult to be with a girl I don't like physically, even if she fits perfectly with me.

 

I don't have any physicall illness conditioning my sexual pleasure feeling, we just did test and it were negative, nothing wrong seems. Just it's not pleasant for me.

 

So can this be? Can you just be hyper romantic and really strict with physical appereance and by the other hand really asexual? I know, it can be, but it's THAT weird... Currently any of you identify with this¿?


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#2 Someone Else

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 03:52 PM

It  may be because I'm so clueless and inexperienced about these subjects, but sometimes I wonder why sexual activities with a partner are never, ever (as far as I know) looked at as "assisted masturbation."  If an asexual masturbates, are they still opposed to "assisted masturbation?"  

Which is better?  I think I'm pretty "meh" about sex, and could not even consider doing it without some kind of emotional connection (not that I would for sure even with the connection.)  Masturbation on the other hand, has zero appeal to me at all times.  I might as well poke myself in the elbow.  I have no reason to do that, ever.   It's sort of like how I can't tickle myself either, but other people can tickle me.  So for me, masturbation could never be better than sex, because it isn't even a thing for me. 



#3 buttcheekasaurus-rex

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 03:58 PM

I have tried sex because, like I have said, I thought it was mandatory in a romantic relationship. And imho, it's not better than masturbation. It's messy, painful, quick and if you're with the wrong kind of partner, like I was, there was no foreplay nor cuddles after. It was just sticking it in and getting it done.

 

Some people still think that "making love" is a thing. It's not. I thought like that, I tried to romanticize sex in hopes of understanding the point of it and even start to like it. But it's just a mechanical and physical need. 

 

Masturbation has the same principal, but it's you and your body. You make your decisions, you explore what you like, and you can reach orgasm more easily without depending on someone else.


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#4 asexjoe

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:00 PM

I'm with BC there. Sex is complicated. Masturbation never is.


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#5 Someone Else

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:29 PM

I have tried sex because, like I have said, I thought it was mandatory in a romantic relationship. And imho, it's not better than masturbation. It's messy, painful, quick and if you're with the wrong kind of partner, like I was, there was no foreplay nor cuddles after. It was just sticking it in and getting it done.

 

Some people still think that "making love" is a thing. It's not. I thought like that, I tried to romanticize sex in hopes of understanding the point of it and even start to like it. But it's just a mechanical and physical need. 

 

Masturbation has the same principal, but it's you and your body. You make your decisions, you explore what you like, and you can reach orgasm more easily without depending on someone else.

Sounds like the guy you were with was completely uninterested in whether or not you wanted him to go gentle or rough... sounds like he wasn't "exploring sex" with you as a joint effort, and probably never asked "does this feel better or worse than that?"  I can't even imagine being like that myself... ugh.   Sex, I think -- I'm assuming, is probably best when it's a very cooperative, communicated event, rather than just an attempt to get oneself off by 'using' the other person.


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#6 cdrdash

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:36 PM

I didn't get pleasure from either sex or masturbation.  I tried both because I heard so much good stuff about both.  Neither did much for me although sex was harder as it involved the feelings of another person.  Now I'm happily doing neither.   


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#7 spunkaloidal

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:36 PM

I have to ask where you read that 'masturbation is unhealthy' because I would have to disagree. Masturbation is equivalent to sex (with another person) without the worry of getting pregnant (for women), or STDs, or the drama of 'relationships', for that matter. Masturbation is only considered 'unhealthy' if the person who is doing it is 'doing it too much' (i.e. masturbates instead of going to work/school/following daily routines). No sane and/or educated M.D. or Sex-Education teacher will say that masturbation is unhealthy, unless you are one of those rare people who experiences some form of paralysis while orgasming.

 

As for me, I really do enjoy masturbation, a lot. In fact, I would almost identify myself as Asexual/Aromantic/Auto-erotic, simply because I don't like sex with other people. I cannot orgasm when I am with another person. I don't enjoy having my genitalia or breasts touched by someone else. It's not that I'm repulsed by it, or squeemish about being touched. I love getting massages on my back, or my feet, or my head. I've never been sexually abused and I was raised with an extraordinarily positive attitude towards human sexuality. But, for some reason, I associate my sexuality as something that only I can enjoy with myself. The inclusion of other people is completely superfluous, unnecessary, and awkward in my mind.

 

And, I don't think that it's weird to be super-romantic while not having any interest is sex. :)

 

For me masturbation is really unpleasant. I wish I have not a libido at all, I never know if masturbating or not, because If I do, I never enjoy it, if I don't do, it's bad for the health (read it), and I have a low but among normality libido, and it's kinda more dirty to just let it go during the night.

 


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#8 asexjoe

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:38 PM

Sex, I think -- I'm assuming, is probably best when it's a very cooperative, communicated event, rather than just an attempt to get oneself off by 'using' the other person.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with "using" the other person to reach orgasm. Sex doesn't have to be an ecstatic experience, but I think women partners, in particular, want that ecstatic experience once in a while.



#9 buttcheekasaurus-rex

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:45 PM

Sounds like the guy you were with was completely uninterested in whether or not you wanted him to go gentle or rough... sounds like he wasn't "exploring sex" with you as a joint effort, and probably never asked "does this feel better or worse than that?"  I can't even imagine being like that myself... ugh.   Sex, I think -- I'm assuming, is probably best when it's a very cooperative, communicated event, rather than just an attempt to get oneself off by 'using' the other person.

 

I know people that are sexual and very pleased with their sexual encounters. So sex isn't bad, it just has to be shared with the other person and not for someone's only pleasure. And, of course, you have to like it in the first place, which I never did.


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#10 spunkaloidal

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:46 PM

 

I have tried sex because, like I have said, I thought it was mandatory in a romantic relationship. And imho, it's not better than masturbation. It's messy, painful, quick and if you're with the wrong kind of partner, like I was, there was no foreplay nor cuddles after. It was just sticking it in and getting it done.

 

Some people still think that "making love" is a thing. It's not. I thought like that, I tried to romanticize sex in hopes of understanding the point of it and even start to like it. But it's just a mechanical and physical need. 

 

Masturbation has the same principal, but it's you and your body. You make your decisions, you explore what you like, and you can reach orgasm more easily without depending on someone else.

Sounds like the guy you were with was completely uninterested in whether or not you wanted him to go gentle or rough... sounds like he wasn't "exploring sex" with you as a joint effort, and probably never asked "does this feel better or worse than that?"  I can't even imagine being like that myself... ugh.   Sex, I think -- I'm assuming, is probably best when it's a very cooperative, communicated event, rather than just an attempt to get oneself off by 'using' the other person.

 

I sometimes wonder why people even bother just going around to find someone to have sex with when they could just stay home and masturbate instead. Why do sexaholics even bother with the 'other person'. Why not just avoid the drama, the STDs, and the potential pregnancies entirely?!? It's completely baffling to me.


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#11 asexjoe

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:50 PM

I sometimes wonder why people even bother just going around to find someone to have sex with when they could just stay home and masturbate instead. Why do sexaholics even bother with the 'other person'. Why not just avoid the drama, the STDs, and the potential pregnancies entirely?!? It's completely baffling to me.

 

 

Because they want the drama. For some sex is a necessary emotional outlet. It's a cathartic experience for them. I get it.

 

I don't need that catharsis, though, at least not through partnered sex.



#12 buttcheekasaurus-rex

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:50 PM

I sometimes wonder why people even bother just going around to find someone to have sex with when they could just stay home and masturbate instead. Why do sexaholics even bother with the 'other person'. Why not just avoid the drama, the STDs, and the potential pregnancies entirely?!? It's completely baffling to me.

 

I also would like that to get answered! The two girls I talk the most are into sex like there's nothing better in the world. And it confuses me to no end because I don't see the appeal. Is it the foreplay, the mutual stimulation, the penetration, having a hot body against theirs? I just try to avoid the subject because my asexuality tends to come to the surface and I'm there like "why is there a need to be constantly talking about how sex is so great?"


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#13 Someone Else

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:52 PM

I hate to be so blunt, but for a lot of people, a penis or a vagina simply feel different than their own hand or a sex toy. 

I can't prove it, but I suspect the sensation is related to how, for instance, I can't tickle myself.  Another person's hands on my ticklish areas feels absolutely different than my own hand.  I bet for sexuals, another person's touch on their erogenous zones might very well feel different than their own hand on those places... maybe... just guessing.  

Some people also like the ego boost... each "conquest" is one more person who didn't say "no, you're not good enough/too ugly for me."  I'm not interested in sex and even still I  feel a little bit of a boost if someone is attracted to me... I can imagine that boost might be even stronger for some sexuals.  
 



#14 asexjoe

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 04:57 PM

I hate to be so blunt, but for a lot of people, a penis or a vagina simply feel different than their own hand or a sex toy. 

 

Yeah, there's that, but that's not all of it. The lust is the thing, expressing it, sharing it, letting oneself truly go.

 

I understand what is meant by sexual intimacy, and it sucks to know I'll never enjoy it.

 

The AVENites here who are sexually repulsed are the lucky ones.



#15 Someone Else

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:05 PM

Really?  I'm glad I'm not sexually repulsed.  It means someday I can experiment, maybe, and not necessarily get sick with revulsion like some repulsed people seem to have happen.  But... each to their own, if someone likes being sex repulsed, that's fine.



#16 Wisdom

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:05 PM

Thanks for all that replies.

 

Well, then, if masturbation is not complicated, should I asume that it will never be better of what it is? I will again ask the doctor is there is some problem with it. If not, I think I just don't like sex.

 

Maybe after all I'm asexual. Incredible but true.

 

Sex and love are definitely two things far away.



#17 Wisdom

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:07 PM

I have tried sex because, like I have said, I thought it was mandatory in a romantic relationship. And imho, it's not better than masturbation. It's messy, painful, quick and if you're with the wrong kind of partner, like I was, there was no foreplay nor cuddles after. It was just sticking it in and getting it done.

 

Some people still think that "making love" is a thing. It's not. I thought like that, I tried to romanticize sex in hopes of understanding the point of it and even start to like it. But it's just a mechanical and physical need. 

 

Masturbation has the same principal, but it's you and your body. You make your decisions, you explore what you like, and you can reach orgasm more easily without depending on someone else.

 

In fact, "making love" is just a so extended expression that's difficult to get rid of it. I even use it in my novels. But it's stupid. Love is never make. Love just happens. Love is just in the air, love is all around...


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#18 asexjoe

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:08 PM

Thanks for all that replies.

 

Well, then, if masturbation is not complicated, should I asume that it will never be better of what it is? I will again ask the doctor is there is some problem with it. If not, I think I just don't like sex.

 

Maybe after all I'm asexual. Incredible but true.

 

Sex and love are definitely two things far away.

 

You still have a promising modeling career ahead of you, Andro.

 

And you need to get busy with the string theory. You're slippin'.


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#19 Someone Else

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:09 PM

This could also be a lot like me asking, "WHY DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF ASPARAGUS!?"  (I'm asparagus-eating repulsed, and will not like having to do it to please a partner who likes asparagus.)  I'm never going to get an answer that will make me go "OHHH now I see asparagus is cool!"  It will just come down to "Just cuz."  


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#20 asexjoe

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:11 PM

How could anyone not like asparagus? Hmph.


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#21 Someone Else

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:13 PM

Now you're gettin' it.  Just don't ask me to eat your asparagus and we'll be fine. ;) 



#22 asexjoe

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:18 PM

More asparagus for me! YES!



#23 Wisdom

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:26 PM

 

Thanks for all that replies.

 

Well, then, if masturbation is not complicated, should I asume that it will never be better of what it is? I will again ask the doctor is there is some problem with it. If not, I think I just don't like sex.

 

Maybe after all I'm asexual. Incredible but true.

 

Sex and love are definitely two things far away.

 

You still have a promising modeling career ahead of you, Andro.

 

And you need to get busy with the string theory. You're slippin'.

 

 

Things changed joe!

 

I definitely drop Physics. Since I'm 13 years old and I finished my first novel, I have wanted to be a writer. Studying Physics was an error. I like Physics and thinking about the Universe, but I'm a phylosophical way. I like to know all about strings theory because it will be a major change of our Universe vision, and have a great History importance, but I don't see myself doing that. I will now just follow the discovers. What I only enjoy doing is writing. Write, write and write till the last day of my life.

 

About modeling, in fact it seems I have what's needed. Height, and a wonderful genetics for having a perfect body. My face is not as ugly as I see, fixing some imperfections with taking care of it, I'm even pretty. But I'm also dropping that idea. Night world, conventions, parties... are things I just don't like. What's better that just stay at home? I will try, because as a writer I like discovering new experiences, but I think that at the moment I see it's a real possibility, I will just drop, being happy that I proposed myself one thing and I did it, and why not saying, that I'm afterall beautiful.

 

But the only thing I really wanna be is a writer, I don't know where will I get the money from, but a quote said, that "you will be what you have to be, or you will be nothing". I can just be a writer.

 

And relating to that, finding the truth about my sexuality is indeed a very important thing. Understanding it will give me a new insights into my novels, and I will have to do a lot of work for characterizing sexual people, or hell, why not, maybe just being the greatest asexual writers of all the times... :blush:  :blush: :blush:  [Delusions of Grandeur mode off...] Now English seems to me again a very important thing, I have to go to classes, find money to go to the States in summer, etc. I will be studying History, and I hope it will go well enough to give me time to the English. If I had to write in English for my books to be read, well, it's hard to accept, but I will... This seems a real challenge, being a model is pretty easy. ^_^



#24 ThaHoward

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:31 PM

Sex for me was like, meeh. I wasn't like I didn't like it, or it was terrible. Contrary it was not good either :P Masturbation is better, but I've heard many (or seen on forums) that masturbation is better, but that sex is more exciting.. But nay, sex was not my thing :P And before I found this site I said to myself "Cake is better than sex" I promise! <.<


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#25 Wisdom

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:42 PM

Sex for me was like, meeh. I wasn't like I didn't like it, or it was terrible. Contrary it was not good either :P Masturbation is better, but I've heard many (or seen on forums) that masturbation is better, but that sex is more exciting.. But nay, sex was not my thing :P And before I found this site I said to myself "Cake is better than sex" I promise! <.<

 

Masturbation better than sex?

 

Lol, sexuals say just the contrary...

 

So then the question is... What on the two sides I am, ahah... If for asexuals sex is worse than masturbation, then for me I think would be terrible :wacko:  Totally asexual after all. If I'm in the side of sexuals, ahah, maybe it's just masturbation what is boring... Umm, but with that sex repulsion I have, I really don't know how to test it :o



#26 Serran

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:42 PM

I do not like masturbation, I do not like sex. The physical pleasure people receive from such things does not register for me. Orgasm feels _bad_ not good. So, if you don't like it, don't worry about it. Some peopel do, some people don't. :)


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    He took a breath. “And how is that?”
    “I mean . . .” It half-angered me that he pretended not to understand me. “For bedding. For . . .”
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#27 Wisdom

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:56 PM

I do not like masturbation, I do not like sex. The physical pleasure people receive from such things does not register for me. Orgasm feels _bad_ not good. So, if you don't like it, don't worry about it. Some peopel do, some people don't. :)

 

And you say you are heteroromantic? How romantic you are? I'm over highly romantic I think ahah



#28 asexjoe

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 05:56 PM

And relating to that, finding the truth about my sexuality is indeed a very important thing. Understanding it will give me a new insights into my novels, and I will have to do a lot of work for characterizing sexual people, or hell, why not, maybe just being the greatest asexual writers of all the times... :blush:  :blush: :blush:  [Delusions of Grandeur mode off...] Now English seems to me again a very important thing, I have to go to classes, find money to go to the States in summer, etc. I will be studying History, and I hope it will go well enough to give me time to the English. If I had to write in English for my books to be read, well, it's hard to accept, but I will... This seems a real challenge, being a model is pretty easy. ^_^

 

 

Why not just write the novels, Ando, and learn the truth about your sexuality from your novels? Think about it.

 

As for string theory, cosmology makes for nice television, but it doesn't pay the rent.


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#29 Wisdom

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 06:06 PM

 

And relating to that, finding the truth about my sexuality is indeed a very important thing. Understanding it will give me a new insights into my novels, and I will have to do a lot of work for characterizing sexual people, or hell, why not, maybe just being the greatest asexual writers of all the times... :blush:  :blush: :blush:  [Delusions of Grandeur mode off...] Now English seems to me again a very important thing, I have to go to classes, find money to go to the States in summer, etc. I will be studying History, and I hope it will go well enough to give me time to the English. If I had to write in English for my books to be read, well, it's hard to accept, but I will... This seems a real challenge, being a model is pretty easy. ^_^

 

 

Why not just write the novels, Ando, and learn the truth about your sexuality from your novels? Think about it.

 

As for string theory, cosmology makes for nice television, but it doesn't pay the rent.

 

 

Yes, for the second, that's what I thought.  ^^ The day I really want money, I know where it is: in the stocks markets. You can gain (also lose) millions in some days... But of course, is one of the hardest thing in the world...

 

And for the first, I have always thought it, but I'm writer, I mean, I just don't write about myself, my characters have their own life... You can be a communist, and still write a novel based on a capitalist character... But yes looking at my last and more "hot" to be someday published novel at this point, there are some things of asexuality, yes... There is sex, but just because it's fit wells.

 

Also, in the best of the scenarios, 1% of the people is asexual. ;) I just can't make all my characters asexuals... But sex is never a really important thing for them, it came as a consequence of love, and for me, personally, it will came in that way if coming anyday, but it's just unpleasant, I will rather have an asexual partner and just enjoy everything else but sex.



#30 Mysticus Insanus

Mysticus Insanus

    Sheldonesque

  • AVEN Members
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  • Gender:bio-male genderqueer / "guydyke"
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  • Location:Germany
  • A/Sexuality:asexual; repulsed (gyno-, lith-)romantic; polyamorous

Posted 22 August 2013 - 06:09 PM

The AVENites here who are sexually repulsed are the lucky ones.

I kinda agree. It makes for more clearly markable boundaries; and that, in turn, means relationships are much, much rarer to happen, but at the same time much, much easier if and when they do happen. Quality over quantity, so to speak.


"Asexuality - no desire for sexual interaction." - Homepage of AVEN.de

(note: the word used in the original German - Verlangen - apparently translates better as "longing for", and is considerably stronger than the English "desire")

 

IMPORTANT: Please consider taking part in the current discussion about the AVEN definition of asexuality in this thread. Thank you!





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