Asexual with a Sexual spouse, and I hope to include you in my journey.

[Pan'sShadow]

I am 29 and I have been married for 1 year. We love eachother unconditionally but the one thing we have always struggled with is our sex life. My husband wants one and I could care less. It's for years been a very stressful topic upsetting us both emotionally. Him thinking he was undesirable me thinking I was broken because I lacked desire. Lots of tears, and shouting, and confusion and resentment. But we muscle through it and work together. About a week ago I discovered the vocabulary I neded to discuss the issue at hand. I was Asexual. We have been talking about incessantly. It suddenly makes everything so much clearer. We are a little scared and their is a little mourning involved and confusion for sure. But we are also deeply relieved. The blame and resentment can fade and we can begin to grow. We have a long road ahead of us and will probably need some guidance and a friend on occassion. But already we feel closer then ever and empowered with our new knowledge. But I thought it might be nice if I started this thread, I could use the support of more experienced and knowledgable folks and maybe my experience can set an example and offer guidance to those younger than me who struggle in relaitionships or those who worry they may never find some one....

[Zig]

I've been in your situation, albeit on the other side of the coin and in a much longer marriage. My wife and I had the same struggles, tears, shouting, resentment and discovering this site and gaining understanding opened doors for us — and the community support, even when we were just lurking, helped immensely. We separated, looked at divorce, and ultimately found a path that works for us because our love was that important to us.

There are a lot of people who are in your situation, and your husband's.

You are definitely not alone!

[br0wneyed-babe]

I'm in the same situation (except I'm young and not married to my partner). My boyfriend kept thinking it was something he did, he keeps asking "Did I make it awkward the one time I ___? Or when I ___? Is it something I did?! Are you afraid I'll be bad at it?!" and then I finally told him about asexuality and how it's not his fault. He's bummed but now he realizes that I'm not going to be "normal" like the sexual girls in movies. He realized that dating me also comes with having a not super amazing sex life.

[Darknight]

I am 29 and I have been married for 1 year. We love eachother unconditionally but the one thing we have always struggled with is our sex life. My husband wants one and I could care less. It's for years been a very stressful topic upsetting us both emotionally. Him thinking he was undesirable me thinking I was broken because I lacked desire. Lots of tears, and shouting, and confusion and resentment. But we muscle through it and work together. About a week ago I discovered the vocabulary I neded to discuss the issue at hand. I was Asexual. We have been talking about incessantly. It suddenly makes everything so much clearer. We are a little scared and their is a little mourning involved and confusion for sure. But we are also deeply relieved. The blame and resentment can fade and we can begin to grow. We have a long road ahead of us and will probably need some guidance and a friend on occassion. But already we feel closer then ever and empowered with our new knowledge. But I thought it might be nice if I started this thread, I could use the support of more experienced and knowledgable folks and maybe my experience can set an example and offer guidance to those younger than me who struggle in relaitionships or those who worry they may never find some one....

Oh gods, this sounds like us. I'm 31 and we've been together for almost 9 years, married 3 with an almost 3 year old and I've just been like you here: not interested, only reluctantly partaking in the act, feeling so guilty and broken. Luckily, he has never pushed me or demanded anything and has been understanding (especially after having our daughter) but I know he's unhappy about it. :(

I also told him two days ago, he hasn't said anything since. At all. :( But I'm letting him think (although I get the feeling he's just pushed it to the back of his mind and is ignoring it, cos..you know... we're not having any sex really so not much changes *shrug*)

Great to hear you two are good and talking. :)

[Guest]

Good thing you're on AVEN now. :)
Would you be willing to try an open relationship? If he wants more sex than you do, and you don't want to give it to him, he might get it elsewhere... it's not an arrangement everyone favours, of course, but for some people it does work.

Good luck!

[Pan'sShadow]

It's so nice, being part of this commuity and knowing that there are people out there having a very similar experience. I find that every day I grow a little more and The Saint (I've taken to refferring to the hubs as this) and I understand eachother a little more. Over the last 24 hours I feel like we have really reached a turning point. We have had some long talks, and alot of laughs, and we have never felt closer. I woke up today feeling good, happy, and confident. Which made me realize that my ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety may very well have just been side effects of not understanding myself. So, very positive things have come up just from the fact that we now have a vocablary to communicate with.

@DarkKnight hang in there, and do let it get pushed under the rug. Keep talking about it.

My husbands initial reaction was sadness and heartbreak and confusion... but very quickly he realized that this is a very good thing, knowing is half the battle. it takes away the guessing and the self loathing.

@SilverKitsune I mentioned the idea of him going outside of the relationship for sex, and he was not really interested. Besides I think it would upset me more than I am willing to admit. But I dont think sex is completely off the table for us. It's just a matter of redifining it. Now that I understand it better, I feel like I no longer have to be dissapointed or ashamed when it doesn't feel good or when I don't achieve the intimate connection through my body that I always thought I was supposed to. I can occassionally make the choice be with my partner for my partners sake for as long as or in whatever capacity I feel comfortable.

We are still learning, but today was a really good day. And to call myself Asexual feels a little strange but really really good.

[Caligo_Heart]

Me and my boyfriend just made similar realizations in our relationship. Our relationship is still comparably young but it makes me happy knowing that you guys are doing well and I'm super happy that you were able to start finding yourself. ^_^

If i may give you a few words of advice since I'm currently in the same position as your husband.

1) Always keep the dialogue between you open. I know you are still discovering yourself but the more my boyfriend was able to tell me about his feelings the more at peace I was about them. Several things about our relationship and his past confused me and made me feel like his asexual tendencies were my fault until (yesterday actually!) we were able to speak openly and honestly about them.

2) I'm sure I don't have to say this but make sure your husband feels loved and wanted. If your husband is anything like me sex is an important and intimate act and it's up to you to make him feel loved when that kind of intimacy won't always be available.

Good luck :D

[Pan'sShadow]

@caligo absolutely and thanks for the tips. Despite knowing things to be true its very helpful to hear someone ay it... or read it rather. but you know what I mean, so thanks. Because you are absolutely right.

[Mapleleaf]

I'm so glad that you have such a good relationship with your husband. I am in a similar boat as you, except I've been married 5 years and I just found out this spring... I am actually going to make a topic about it because I am really struggling with stuff at the moment, but don't want to derail your thread. Just know that you are very lucky to have a husband who is so open to learning about new things, and who loves you enough to not take it the wrong way.

[KittenPuff]

I'm an ace married to a sexual and we've just discovered this after 11 years together and 9 years of marriage. We are trying polyamory and it's going pretty well so far. I know what you mean about the depression and anxiety lifting. I hadn't really thought about it until I just read it, but I really feel much happier with myself. :)

I'm glad you are talking. That's really important.

[Pan'sShadow]

@maple leaf , thanks. and i feel pretty lucky.... I will have to check out your thread.

@kitten-puff - I have considered polyamory... but im REALLY jealous. So we have a long road before we can get there.... but actually looking back on my relaitionships in the past i have been in polyamorous type relaitionships before.... but it was always with 2 sexuals and once they started sleeping together my heart got broken. so like i said there is a long road before me... but im not closing any doors, we have a lot of options and we hope to find which one works best for us. I'm glad it's going well for you. and im glad to hear you are breathing easier as well.

[KittenPuff]

i have been in polyamorous type relaitionships before.... but it was always with 2 sexuals and once they started sleeping together my heart got broken.

Polyamory may not be for you. Some people are wired that way and some aren't. I'm happy to let my husband go do things with other people that I don't enjoy doing. I don't think I ever really linked sex with love, I only thought they were linked because society tole me they were. So if he can get sex somewhere else, that's fine by me. It's no different in my mind than if he wanted to go bowling and I didn't. Everybody doesn't think about it that way, though.

The only thing I had to get past was that sex was something I couldn't give him. I felt inadequate about that for awhile but he's so much happier now, and I was able to make that possible by giving him the opportunity to get his sexual needs met outside our relationship. I am so much happier because I don't feel guilty all the time, and I have time to do things I want to do.

You're in a good place. It's definitely not necessary to mix things up by thinking about polyamory right now. Enjoy your closeness and empowerment.

[Zig]

Yes, poly is definitely not a thing for everyone. I think that some people really fit well into that world, wired for it if you will, I think others can do it — I call that situational poly and I put myself in that category — and for some it's just anathema.

For me sex and love are twined very closely together. A friends with benefit situation or an open relationship wasn't going to work for me — essentially reduced to an act that I can do more efficiently and independently.

I'm the V in what is a triad relationship with two women, both of whom I love. I don't want anyone else, and the relationship is definitely closed. As both women have told me. :D

We're actually building a big house with a double master and all of us together make a fantastic family. If poly really is going to work it has to be a situation where nobody feels threatened or like they're losing. And while I'm accused of "cake eating" it's definitely work to make this relationship work for all the parties involved. Worth it!

But you hit the nail on the head. Find what works for you both and don't let anyone tear that down or stand in your way.

[Darknight]

It's so nice, being part of this commuity and knowing that there are people out there having a very similar experience. I find that every day I grow a little more and The Saint (I've taken to refferring to the hubs as this) and I understand eachother a little more. Over the last 24 hours I feel like we have really reached a turning point. We have had some long talks, and alot of laughs, and we have never felt closer. I woke up today feeling good, happy, and confident. Which made me realize that my ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety may very well have just been side effects of not understanding myself. So, very positive things have come up just from the fact that we now have a vocablary to communicate with.

@DarkKnight hang in there, and do let it get pushed under the rug. Keep talking about it.

My husbands initial reaction was sadness and heartbreak and confusion... but very quickly he realized that this is a very good thing, knowing is half the battle. it takes away the guessing and the self loathing.

Glad to hear it :)

On my own homefront: It's been what..two weeks? My husband hasn't said a single word about it and things are back to how they were before. I'm not surprised just super disappointed. I don't know what he's thinking or whether he's thinking anything at all but yeah.. whatever then. *sigh*

D

[Pan'sShadow]

@Darkknight, sorry to hear that. everyone deals with challenges in their own way I suppose, still wishing you the best of luck.

[Audrid]

Been married for 9 years. Always knew something was different about me but we couldn't put a name to it. Now we know. We have our ups and downs with how to make our relationship satisfying for both of us. It's a lot of work but totally worth it. I wish you well on your journey.