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How can asexual people maintain or acquire a relationship, If there is no attraction to begin with...?


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#1 Agent of Chaos

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 07:09 PM

Hello, I'm under the code name A/C, I'm not asexual, I'm curious, I saw this website NETFLIX, I thought it was made up or something, There is something i did spot on that documentary, You guys hold a jewel and don't know about it, I think you guys having no orientation and maintaining relationship without the need of sex is pretty incredible, The reason, Well I wish other orientations had your point of view, Today's relationships are based on the SEX or Enhancers for sexual performance, That's one of the reason 88% of today's marriages go down the toilet, I think you guys can teach on how "LOVE" doesn't need to get physical, Today people are a bunch of morons, It's no accident you guys exist. PS - Why is the cake a symbol, Why not some Chili Cheese Fries...!
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#2 Lady Loki

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 07:18 PM

Hello!

 

I think it's awesome that you show interest in asexuals and that you are so open and receptive about it. That rocks.

 

But remember, some of us do have an orientation, even if mild it is still existent and asexuality itself can be considered an orientation. 

 

Working a relationship out can be very hard for some of us, but I agree with you. Most of us do feel attraction, just not the sexual kind. I wish more people in the world would take some more time and actually look beyond the sex - relationship and love has so much more to offer  :)

 

Here is the legend about the cake.

 

Might as well have some now:  :cake:  :cake:  :cake:  :cake:

 

Welcome :)



#3 Hubris

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 07:30 PM

Welcome to AVEN! As Loki said, I think it's really awesome that you've come here out of curiosity and seeking answers; and that you seem to have an open mind!

 

Because a lot of us have orientations - I'm heteroromantic myself, meaning I like boys just don't feel the need to have sex with them - it can be tricky trying to navigate relationships and a world where sex has nearly always been a form of love language and an expression. I'm not sex-repulsed, and I think that between two people (especially two people in love) who both have that drive, sex is a beautiful thing. I'd agree with you though, that more relationships are built on sexual attraction than romantic or intellectual attraction, and I firmly believe that to make a relationship work as an asexual you need two of the three, and for those with sex drives, three out of the three!

 

I wouldn't say people are morons, it's just the way media and culture have conditioned us all to be. Even those of us who don't have sex-drives sometimes see the pressure for sex (and fantastic, mind-blowing sex at that) early and frequently in a relationship, and outside of relationships too. Most of modern culture (music, movies, literature) are based around sex, and if you have a sex drive I can see that making it difficult to get past the urges that are constantly being thrown in your faces. Morons? No. Trapped in a vicious cycle of sexual stimulation and encouragement to fill that need above everything else? Much more likely.

 

ANYWAY I SOAPBOX'D SORRY!

 

Have some chili cheese fries. ;)

 

chili-cheese-fries.jpg


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#4 Agent of Chaos

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 07:34 PM

Well, you guys do hold the key, You guy have experience "Love" at a different perspective, What is better, Proved society wrong about the fundamentals thought into girls and boys, Thinking Sex is everything, And abandon your partner if sex becomes at some point, Impossible, as age progresses, Has a lot of marriages down  the drain.



#5 Agent of Chaos

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 07:40 PM

Amoeba I understand what you mean, I in the other hand,

I'm straight, I'm attracted to girls, but i differ on the need for companionship or relationship, What i mean is, I' ve  never been on a relationship, not because i can't, But because i don't see it necessary, Teenagers today make the mistake of having a relationship, Because they think they should, Not because they want to, Otherwise they're are thought of being gay or not socially acceptable, Pushing them forward to the incontrollable teenage pregnancy raging everywhere, because our morals distort more than guide.


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#6 Aqua-ace

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 07:41 PM

Welcome! :cake:

Asexuality can either be considered lack of sexual orientation, or a sexual orientation marked by a pattern of no sexual attraction. However, some asexuals are in sexual relationships, but asexuals being in relationships at all shows that sexual attraction isn't required for a relationship to work. Sex might not be required either, depending on the person. Some non-asexuals are willing to go without sex if their partner is asexual and sex-repulsed, and of course there are non-asexuals who don't want sex at all.

Society as a whole is sex-obsessed, and that pressures people into sex and relationships they might not want or be ready for, and we all need to challenge that.

 


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#7 Hubris

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 07:56 PM

Well, being human means we are just as capable of being in relationships for the wrong reasons, or not having ideal or good or healthy relationships. Sex isn't the only factor in what makes a relationship good, or healthy, or "true love" or anything like that. We may hold the card of not having sex interfere with the relationships we form and the romantic attractions we feel - but sometimes that lack of a desire in sex complicates, or puts a new road block in a relationship.

 

Being asexual by no means sets us apart as champions of great romantic relationships. We're people, too. We may lead someone on because we're lonely and crave companionship. We may not treat a romantic partner as well as we should.

 

Unfortunately, a lack of sex drive doesn't make us more attuned or capable of being romantic relationship gurus.


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#8 Agent of Chaos

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:02 PM

Amoeba, I get what you're saying, You guys play what you feel, But that is important, Asexuality can help other relationships, See further than sex, It's hard to explain, but I'll say it like this, If a Marriage therapist was ASEXUAL, Less marriages would go to hell, I think this "Philosophy of Love" has various perspectives, and must not all the time be physical.



#9 The Great WTF

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:17 PM

I think you're putting us on far too big of a pedestal and judging the lump sum of humanity far too much. We're human, just like all those "sex-obsessed" people out there. We're stupid and make stupid choices and get into and break up relationships for shallow reasons just like everyone else. Yes, sex (usually) isn't one of those reason, but that doesn't mean we're that much further ahead than the average Joe.

 

Is society too sex-obsessed as a whole? Probably, but I'll take that over sweeping sex under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist like has been done in the past. Asexuals aren't the answer to the problem we face with that sex obsession. Trying to hold us up as icons of perfect relationships or some special type of love with only create another harmful and false dichotomy about relationships that's just as bad as the current one.

 

I really doubt a marriage therapist being asexual would make marriages any less likely to fail. In reality, it might make the situation worse because they would have a harder time relating to legitimate sexual problems a couple might have and having a therapist that understands is a lot better than one that cannot relate at all.


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#10 Aqua-ace

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:30 PM

Amoeba, I get what you're saying, You guys play what you feel, But that is important, Asexuality can help other relationships, See further than sex, It's hard to explain, but I'll say it like this, If a Marriage therapist was ASEXUAL, Less marriages would go to hell, I think this "Philosophy of Love" has various perspectives, and must not all the time be physical.

It's hard for asexuals to relate to most relationships. What marriage therapists need though is to be more mindful towards their clients' views and needs. Do they too often assume the quantity of sex is tied to the quality of the marriage, and not take other factors into account?


★★Resources and Survey Director of the Project Team★★ (PT also stands for "Party Time"! :cake: )

 

Outside of Sexuality: I'm the admin of this board for people who don't want sex, including the sex-repulsed, the averse, and the voluntarily celibate! Now with a main page in progress, and looking for ideas!

There's Cake at the Fortress-- err... my strange asexuality-related blog!

 

AVEN is looking for a new moderator for Q&A! << Campaigning, and asking questions for the candidates starts now!

 

 

 

 

 

 


#11 Agent of Chaos

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:31 PM

The Great WTF, Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you guys are perfect, I' m also not saying what you guys do is the way to go, What i' m saying you guys have naturally stumbled by birth on a different perspective, What every relationships lacks, Less zipper down, and more chatting and emotional progressiveness, Yes sex can be fundamental, but to me a perfect relationships, Isn't 100% Sex or No Sex, There is in no way a criteria, I think you guys hold a key that sexual oriented people need to created a Hybrid, where there will be more communication than desire. That's were i'm getting at, I know for you guys this isn't a walk on the park, But don't realize that the perspective you guys see viable for obvious reasons, Can benefit those who need balance and therefore creating the perfect relationship.



#12 Agent of Chaos

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:35 PM

Aqua-ace, You're are getting warmer of what i'm trying to mean.



#13 Hubris

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:35 PM

I don't think every relationship between people with sex-drives is too much "zipper down" and not enough communication. There are a lot of really good relationships out there, and less sex isn't the answer for a lot of the ones that are broken. There are too many factors in a relationship to just say that people who don't prefer to engage in sex hold a key to making relationships better. 


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#14 Excerpts

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:43 PM

I think you're missing a major point here - romantic asexuals don't really feel any differently about their partners than sexually oriented people do, and in fact we asexuals only lack the sexual attraction that others experience. We don't have any better insight into what 'love' is, or how to get by in a relationship without sex. Yes, people often set a huge emphasis on sex as far as their relationship goes, but that's down to the way the individual views sex/love, and has nothing to do with their orientation really. I think people should always be understanding and communicate properly in a relationship, but you can do that whether you're sexual or not.

 

Also, whilst it might seem bad to have a mind "clouded" by sex, it still doesn't mean that their point of view is any less valid/worth understanding than somebody who never thinks about sex and focuses on other aspects of a person. Those people need to be understood and appreciated as they are, otherwise you're just kidding yourself into believing that there's a "right" and "wrong" way to view sex, when really every relationship is different.

 

I like your idea, but alas, the reality of it is pretty boring!


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#15 Agent of Chaos

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:46 PM

I know there other factors but those factors are born on how thin is your relationship mentally, Emotionally and sexually. You wouldn't betray someone who was important to you would you, Greed can be a factor, But greed can't take hold on a strong bond, No factor existent can, unless the bond wasn't strong as you thought.



#16 Agent of Chaos

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:50 PM

xserpx
Well, you see no right or wrong, Neither do i, What i do see is a bird eye point of view, Meaning roots and analysis being observed, without ever trying to enter one side mind, Viewing facts cold, and adding ingredients as you would in a recipe to a relationship.


#17 Excerpts

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 09:41 PM

xserpx
Well, you see no right or wrong, Neither do i, What i do see is a bird eye point of view, Meaning roots and analysis being observed, without ever trying to enter one side mind, Viewing facts cold, and adding ingredients as you would in a recipe to a relationship.

That's really not how people, let alone asexuals, work. We are just as emotional and prone to mistakes as the rest of humanity - look at how many aces regret deciding to go through with sex just to appease their partner, or how many partners go without sex to appease their aces. The fact is that nobody can ever empathize truly with another, so you have to do the best you can to get inside each other's heads, listen to what they're saying and hope that you're compatible enough to not have to sacrifice too much - something many people of all orientations, genders and sexual preferences have difficulty with. Compromise and communication are the key (apparently, I mean, what do I know? I'm an aromantic ace!), and a couple could get all the advice in the world, but it still can't help their relationship if they aren't willing to talk to each other and compromise.


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#18 mindlife

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 10:56 PM

Thank you for your question.

Relationships are built on more than sexual attraction alone.

I've heard from sexuals that they often conceive of their attraction to one another as the seed of a relationship.

For asexuals, the definition of attraction is far broader than a physical draw; just as intimacy is defined beyond sexual contact.

 


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#19 Touchofinsight

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Posted 29 June 2013 - 11:11 PM

People should make decisions in relationships based on their own personal needs and not give a shit about what other people think about them in the context of those relationships. Other people's judgments (good or bad) aren't going to make your relationships work... you are. You as an individual have to find out what you need, want, and desire out of your relationships... AND then do your best to make it work with someone else who is trying to do the same thing. Naturally your not going to come to the same conclusions, so you prioritize what is important to you and if no resolution can be made between you and the other party(s)... you end the relationship.

 

Its really that simple when you look at it on a sweeping generalization of all relationships.. but we don't live in should land, and people do let other people influence their own important personal decisions.

 

Its not even that much about sex, its how we look at relationships in general. Sex is AN important aspect of relationship for most people, but it isn't the only thing and it certainly isn't responsible for all the toxicity that go on in modern relationship's today... despite the fact it often gets used as a scapegoat.


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Contact me if you ever need anyone to talk or advice about anything. I will offer you only what I believe is the truth and my advice.

I can passionately disagree with you on an issue and still be your friend, lover, counselor, shoulder to lean on, or maintain a number of other forms of relationships, I only hope I am not being too conceited when I ask you to do the same.

 

This is why I am here


#20 Philip027

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Posted 30 June 2013 - 12:25 AM

There is attraction (potentially), it's just not sexual.


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#21 Mysticus Insanus

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Posted 30 June 2013 - 03:34 AM

You as an individual have to find out what you need, want, and desire out of your relationships... AND then do your best to make it work with someone else who is trying to do the same thing. Naturally your not going to come to the same conclusions, so you prioritize what is important to you and if no resolution can be made between you and the other party(s)... you end the relationship.

Beautifully put. To quote a certain asexual pop-culture icon: "That may be the most pragmatic thing anyone has every said to me." :D


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#22 WhenSummersGone

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Posted 30 June 2013 - 05:57 AM

Well most of my crushes have happened due to romantic attraction rather than sexual attraction. I've seen this quote online: "If there can be sex with no love then why can't there be love with no sex?"


"I Am Who I Am" by Lee Ryan.

Small rant: One thing that really bugs me is when people use the words gender and sex as if they are the same. What if you were born a man but feel like a woman? Or a woman who feels like a man? Gender is between the ears and sex is between the legs.
My own personal definition of Sexual Attraction: Directed sexual desire. An attraction that causes sexual desire towards that gender, genders or someone. Someone that "turns you on" and not just being horny.




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