Is coming out necessary?

[aesphynx]

It's only recently I've began to accept (I would say embrace, but that's an entirely different matter) asexuality and I've been pondering the idea of 'coming out.' Not right now, obviously, but I'm a little puzzled as to why people come out and how they would go about it.

My psych told me today that one of the biggest decisions I'll ever make is telling my parents about my asexuality. Problem is I've just never understood how people would do it. I would understand if for example someone gay who was dating felt it necessary to tell their parents because obviously there would be a reason to do so. If you're gay in general then it can be incredibly important to just be honest with relatives, which I also get, I just don't understand how you would go about it if you're asexual. (I'm honestly asking these questions; I want to be honest with my family, but it seems a bit out of the blue to tell them.) If you're heteroromantic and had a partner would you be comfortable telling your parents you don't have sex and you've never ever felt the need for sex? I just couldn't imagine saying that to mine. Obviously if you're romantically involved with someone of the same gender (e.g if you're panromantic, like me) then there'd be a reason to tell them. Otherwise I have no clue as to why I would. I'd probably fear them thinking I was inventing labels for myself or something. My point being: is it necessary to come out even when I'm not currently with a partner or companion of any kind? I've felt this way most of my life but it's an entirely foreign idea to me to 'come out' about asexuality. Help/advice would be appreciated! Sorry for rambling.
:P

[Lia]

I feel the same, though feel no need to tell my family. They don't need to know if I'm going home to have sex or going home to cuddle in bed.

[Phaetion]

It sort of is necessary. Otherwise, a lot of people will expect you to have sex with someone and have a family. It is a significant challenge, but it will be one you will have to undertake. :)

[Someone Else]

Maybe it's because a lot of people in my life have had a low opinion of me that I haven't felt pressured to tell anyone. I mean, if I say that I don't want kids, it's almost as if people are relieved. Ok, maybe not quite. But no one has ever tried to argue when I say I am not really meant to be a parent. :p

[dreaming cat]

Coming out is only as necessary as you feel it is. If you are comfortable not telling anyone and dealing with assumptions as they come up, do so! Everyone's experience is different.

[Hubris]

I agree and disagree all at the same time, and I think it really depends on your own situation? I've never put myself out there for relationships because in a way, I've always known that I wasn't interested. For me, that lack of interest has been noted and widely speculated - right down to my sister-in-law recently telling me that she didn't think I'd ever settle down into a committed long-term relationship of any kind. Which is why (just last night, in fact) I felt the need to at least sit down and discuss it with my mother. For us it was more giving a name and information to something we'd both always known, and I was incredibly nervous about the conversation. But in the end? It just felt....right for her to know. Not because she's my mother, but because we've always been close. For me, with my relationships, it's been a confirmation rather than a "coming out", but a necessary one.

Again, I think it's different for everyone. If you don't feel the need to tell your parents that the person your with isn't getting any sex, then don't tell them! If you feel like it's the giant elephant in the room, then do. Nothing about this is concrete or road-mapped, there's no real right or wrong for the most part. It's just what it is. <3 Give it some more thought, and if you don't want to, then don't!

[Vyanni Krace]

I guess its to stop the constant expectations from your family.

Other than that, there isn't really any more reasons other than maybe it just feels nice to have someone know about it and accept it. *Shrugs.*

After a failed attempt at coming out a few months ago, I don't really see the point in telling my parent either. Let people think what they want to think about my sexuality, so long as its causing no harm eh?

[Lydian]

I felt the need to come out because I was sick of people trying to set me up with someone or they'd be talking about some hot guy blah blah. I lot of my friends make sexual comments a lot and while I really don't mind since that's how they are and they'd stop if I told them they'd gone too far, I just like having people know. My mom still doesn't believe it's a thing which is annoying as hell but meh. She pulled the "When you meet the right guy and your heart goes pitter patter" and also "Well if he's really good in bed, how can you not be attracted to him?" Mom, no. Though my mom also thinks if a gay man had amazing straight sex he'd suddenly be attracted to said woman so I don't think she understands how attraction works or what it is.

[Dirge]

There was one time when I felt that it was necessary, and that's when it was part of the reason I was breaking up with someone.

That aside, there have been several occasions on which I wanted to because the people in question were close to me. We supported each other, I understood them, and wanted them to understand me. It's up to you whether you want to be 'out' to anyone, but knowing that someone 'gets' you in that important way can be a very good feeling.

[IceHurricane]

I never exactly 'came out' to my family. Whenever my family would ask me why I don't have a boyfriend yet or anything like that, I just tell I'm not attracted to anybody, and I don't want to have sex. I didn't just go up to them one day saying 'Hey, I'm asexual', I told them when they brought it up. :)

They don't believe me though, but oh well. That's their problem.

[tommy92]

I only came out on one close friend of mine, but I may be expanding. I mainly did it because I my mind kinda nagged me about it I feel like it isn't necessary, but I would do almost everything if it puts my mind to ease^^

[Delta Wolf]

Coming out does not have to be necessary. It is entirely up to you wether or not you want to come out as being asexual. If you come out, you do not have to tell everyone. I chose to come out to my closest friends and family members. The only problem that I really had was continuously explaining to them what asexuality is and how I feel about sex and having a family. I just prefer to live alone and they really don't understand how that works. Basically, if you do come out there will be questions, but you must understand that majority of the people in the world do not know that asexuality is a sexual orientation. The choice is yours.

[ShockTrance]

Whether or not a coming out is necessary is purely circumstantial. Suppose that, for instance, people are frequently misunderstanding your sexuality and you are consequently stressed. Coming out to them may help to alleviate your stress in that case. That isn't to say, of course, that you shouldn't come out unless you're under duress; it's entirely a matter of if you have the desire to do so and if you feel comfortable doing so or if you are confident that coming out will improve your situation.

That being said, coming out can have negative repercussions should your relatives or friends prove not to be accepting or understanding, so proceed with caution.

[praetorius]

I don't feel any need to "come out" for myself. There's no need to "come out" to be able to openly live as my orientation guides me --- I'm already happily not having all the relationships I don't want to have. I don't need to "justify" my behavior to anyone; I don't care if other people think I'm just weird and doing my own thing (without a "label"). So far as my own interests go, "coming out" is a useless frivolity that won't make a whit of difference to how I live.

However, I do think it's important for me to come out for the sake of other people --- specifically, so that other people can find out asexuality exists. Were it not for the "vocally out" people here at AVEN, I would have missed some major insight into understanding myself. I want other people to share the benefit of learning about it too, either for themselves or so they can identify/help other asexuals they know. So, while I feel no need to come out for myself, I want to use opportunities for coming out to benefit others.

Given my introverted tendencies, I won't end up talking to many people about this; but that's just because I don't talk to many people about anything. But, from now on, whenever the rare occaisions come up when I might have mumbled something like "I guess I just haven't found the right person yet, and don't have the time to look...", I'll instead be saying "I'm asexual," and letting whatever explaining is requested follow from there.

[bookwormgirl]

I think it really depends on your situation.

For example, I may come out to my parents eventually because I know they worry about me and why I haven't dated yet. I'm pretty sure they'd worry about my being asexual too, but I'd rather they be concerned about that then thinking there’s something wrong with their 24-year old kid because she’s never dated anyone.

[gner0]

Honestly, if you don't want to come out then don't. It's not necessary unless you feel it is. Some people who are close to their family feel like they really want that emotional support and want to tell them. And for some of use who are into adulthood and never have had a relationship, this can be really concerning to parents and family so the question arises. For me, I actually thought I was bisexual in middle school and I remember coming out to my mom and she was totally okay with it but when I had to come out as asexual it was a long struggle. I'm happy that she knows now as she has had time to understand and see that really I am asexual but it did take time. Many people might not understand so don't do it unless you want to or feel like it is necessary.

[honor is all]

It sort of is necessary. Otherwise, a lot of people will expect you to have sex with someone and have a family. It is a significant challenge, but it will be one you will have to undertake. :)

Ni it is not necessary if in a heteromantic relationship. I doubt many parents openly ask their m arried children about their sex lives. A heteromantic asexual couple can still have children by Artificial Insemination and In vitro fertilisation if they so wish. Conversely many sexual couples don't want children and use sterilization/permamanet contraception to avoid it. Yes, people do expect straight couples to have children but not all couples have them for various reasons. You don't have to say I'm asexual. You could give any number of reasons sexual people give for not wanting children.

Most people find asexuality puzzling and it's not really necessary for anyone apart from a romantic partner to know. Sexual practices and impractices are a rpivate matter. While who you are dating is a rather public one. As for parents getting worried about a child not having a partner just tell them you do not feel the need to attach to a partner. In case you are aromantic this is true. I knkow 5-6 sexual aromantics who've never gone up to their mums saying: this is my partner. When mums asked why they just said: not interested, have other priorities, like the total freedom of being single, etc which is not technically unture. :-)

[Phaetion]

It sort of is necessary. Otherwise, a lot of people will expect you to have sex with someone and have a family. It is a significant challenge, but it will be one you will have to undertake. :)

Ni it is not necessary if in a heteromantic relationship. I doubt many parents openly ask their m arried children about their sex lives. A heteromantic asexual couple can still have children by Artificial Insemination and In vitro fertilisation if they so wish. Conversely many sexual couples don't want children and use sterilization/permamanet contraception to avoid it. Yes, people do expect straight couples to have children but not all couples have them for various reasons. You don't have to say I'm asexual. You could give any number of reasons sexual people give for not wanting children.

Most people find asexuality puzzling and it's not really necessary for anyone apart from a romantic partner to know. Sexual practices and impractices are a rpivate matter. While who you are dating is a rather public one. As for parents getting worried about a child not having a partner just tell them you do not feel the need to attach to a partner. In case you are aromantic this is true. I knkow 5-6 sexual aromantics who've never gone up to their mums saying: this is my partner. When mums asked why they just said: not interested, have other priorities, like the total freedom of being single, etc which is not technically unture. :-)

This is true, I'll give you that. However, I said what I said because of the fact that others will expect you to have sex anyway, regardless of whether children are involved or not. I may have phrased what I said earlier wrong...but that was only one side of the overall argument.

[Guest]

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: my main reason for wanting to come out as asexual is visibility. It's important that those who, like me, have no problem in outing themselves do so for the sake of all other aces out there: if asexuality is being slowly recognised as a sexual orientation, instead of just a disease, it's thanks to all those outspoken people - David Jay especially - who had the guts to put themselves out there and talk to people about how they felt. It's thanks to them if we're here right now, but many people are not, and are likely still unaware of their sexual orientation. Maybe some of them will stay unaware and feel broken for all their lives. I don't want that to happen to anyone.

Of course I also have personal reasons: I want to be honest with my friends about who I am, and asexuality is part of who I am. And I don't want people to assume I'm straight, either. :P Plus, it'll make it a lot easier to explain why I don't date sexual people, and they're a lot less likely to take it personally if I turn one of them down.

[ThaHoward]

I don't see any reason to come out (for me), however I believe that if I come out, and maybe when, it is about finally accepting who I really am, and showing it to the rest of the world who I am. Both for my sake and others, as then others may also see that it is normal to be asexual and not something you should be ashamed of - which it is in our oversexualised - norwegian - society.

[realcooldude]

I don't think it's necessary if you're in a relationship with someone of the same sex. I mean, the main "concern" about asexuality, at least as far as parents are concerned, is the whole prospect of having grand children. I mean, bringing up things when it's not relevant is NOT something I'd recommend.

[words are futile devices]

I haven't found it necessary to come out to anyone yet. I'm not in a relationship, and at 21 I'm still plenty young enough to not get asked *too* terribly often by well-meaning relatives when I'm going to get a boyfriend/get married. (Though one of my uncles has a tendency to ask me, "You have a boyfriend yet? ...Why not?" every time he sees me. =P ) Sometimes my mom and I will be talking and she'll say things like "When you get married/have kids..." and so on and so forth.

I've offered, quite regularly, casual remarks about not being sure I ever want to get married; that I'm not interested in dating; about how most guys who are typically considered "hot" do nothing for me, etc. Can't be sure if any of this has gotten my parents wondering about me, but I'm really not concerned about it right now. I can see myself telling them in a few years, when I'm inevitably still single. Or if I somehow wind up in a relationship or *gasp* married, I'd feel the need to explain our decision not to have kids (because that's a non-negotiable for me). As a Christian raised by Christians, I would have waited until marriage to have sex anyway, so my parents wouldn't have expected anything different.

Basically, I won't say anything to family until I feel it's relevant. I might confide in my closest friends, just to have someone in real life to talk about it with. I may even tell my brother, because we are best friends as well and I know he wouldn't judge me at all. I wish I could give you advice on how/when to come out, but other people have been very helpful and I agree with what they've said. :) Good luck!

[None of the Above]

I've never told anybody, friends or family, and no one has ever asked me. I'm happy in the closet and feel no real need to open the door. I'm assuming my parents and sister at least suspect I'm not interested since I've never mentioned having a relationship with anyone. If they do they've kept it to themselves.

[SpadeofAces]

Nope. One can keep it a secret if one wishes. ^_^

[Shontelle]

While I have not officially announced my orientation I sometimes want to enlighten those around me. I'm a talker you see, entertainer if you will and... people... flirt w/ me... which.... annoys me... (don't get me wrong, perhaps my words are laced with innuendo, of which, I'm completely unaware at the time - brain to mouth filter non-existent).

i.e. lovely girl I know through work broke up w/ her girlfriend and subtext re. my 'dating status' and 'kissability' were thrown around while we bandied words with one another. This situation brings to mind my distaste for anything remotely 'touchy, feely... kissy-kissy." Moments like these incite a need to let others know that... no, just.... no. Complete and utter indifference. There's awkwardness, although this isn't apparent to the other party involved.

Otherwise no. There's really nothing that warrants this. As an independent self-sufficient adult there is no pressing need to inform my family - I am quite sure that they think me a-sexual (not in accordance with AVEN's standards) anyway. Friends take me as I am and my orientation is a non-issue (also I'm fortunate, most of my friends are career oriented and pride themselves on achieving their goals ruling out thoughts of relationships). Those outside of the two aforementioned spheres matter not and so, meh.

Go with your gut. If there's a moment where you're second guessing then perhaps it isn't the time.

[Ranna]

Not really.

When someone asks me why I'm not dating anyone or something like that, I usually just tell them that I have no intrest to. It's really none of their business why I don't. Most of my friends/family have already pretty much gotten the message though, so they're no longer constantly pushing me to "find someone". If someone directly asks me if I'm asexual (it has happened), then I just say that I'm something like that.

So no, at least to me it's not necessary, but if you feel the need to tell people, it's entirely your decision. :)

[NamTar]

It sort of is necessary. Otherwise, a lot of people will expect you to have sex with someone and have a family. It is a significant challenge, but it will be one you will have to undertake. :)

There are people who have sex and still don't want children. I think having sex and having a family are two separate issues. I think if you're in a relationship, it's nobody's business what exactly you do and don't do in bed with that person. Additionally, many asexuals do have and want children.

On the other hand, a homoromantic person would come out for the same reasons as a homosexual person, because if they're in a relationship, it's going to be with a person of the same sex. I don't really see any reason besides visibility for a heteroromantic person in a M/F relationship to come out to everybody (maybe close friends, but otherwise, I don't see the point in creating misunderstandings there). I never came out to my dad, and I doubt I'll ever come out to my mother, either. Or my brother.

As an aromantic person, I've only come out to a few close friends, I tell other people I'm just not interested in relationships.

[Guest]

There are people who have sex and still don't want children. I think having sex and having a family are two separate issues. I think if you're in a relationship, it's nobody's business what exactly you do and don't do in bed with that person. Additionally, many asexuals do have and want children.

True that, but it's also true that most people (especially most parents) expect others to want to be parents one day. Even though sex and children are separate aspects of one's life, most people still link them. My parents knew I was childfree long before they (or even I!) knew I was asexual, and they NEVER believed me until I came out as ace. Reason? They thought I'd change my mind on having kids "because that's what everyone does, and anyway, your partner might want children someday".

^ The last one made me want to puke by the way... why in hell would I have to feel obliged to have kids with someone just because they wanted them?!? Excuse me, I have a right to say no to stuff I don't like!

[NamTar]

@SilverKitsune, yes, i know, and it sort of makes me want to barf that anyone would think I'd have kids just because other people do. I'd hope that people have kids because they want kids, not because it's expected of them. But yeah, I've known I wanted to be childfree since I was a kid, and nobody believed me. Some people probably still don't believe me. I've had strangers ask me about my kids, or ask how many kids I have, when I do not have any!

But I think the point still stands, even if you're in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, I don't think anyone needs to know the details of your sex life, or whether or not you're having sex, unless you want them to know. Certainly, people will talk about these things, but it's still possible to say you don't want to divulge that info if you don't want to. I mean, i've been in relationships with sexuals and had sex with them, and I still didn't give any details to my closest friends, because I didn't think it was any of their business.

[Jack Havock]

I have the same problem. I tried to tell my mother that I wasn't sexually attracted to a girl I had a major crush on two years ago, but she gave me the usual run around about "oh you just aren't old enough" (because most 16 year olds don't have any sex drive, right...) "maybe you don't really like her" even "maybe your attracted to men." I think I'll wait and if the asexual relationship I'm new in right now works out and maybe tell her once I'm 18.