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...Demisexual? Me? So confused right now.


BreathSoBitter

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BreathSoBitter

Hey AVEN

This might get a little too detailed. I apologize if it does.

So I've long ago decided that I am asexual and very heavily identified as such. I was pretty convinced I never wanted to have sex ever. My last boyfriend was asexual as well and I never wanted to have sex with him (though we dated long distance, never actually meeting IRL. Ugh long story).

Anyways.

I have a new boyfriend now, and he's local. However, it's summer and for the first time ever we are physically separated. Without getting too TMI, we have done some sexual things (though not like...PIV sex itself yet) and it has all been immensely enjoyable for both of us. Yes, even though I never thought it would happen, I do love doing sexual things with him an awful lot. Anyways, I never thought this qualified me as sexual attraction or anything, I really don't think that's it.

What does is the fact he really turns me on. It has been happening more and more recently and it is the absolutely most bizzare thing for me. Something that has NEVER happened to me in my entire life and all of a sudden it keeps happening more and more often. IHe gets better and better at pushing my buttons in such a way that I just find him totally and completely irresistible. And like....this is stronger than anything I have ever felt before. I do feel that drive, that need to be closer with him physically in a nature that's more sexual than not. Being apart from him, this feeling is something I miss, this intimacy is something which I always had felt is very "take it or leave it" for me is now something that I god damn want like nothing else. And before when I was very hesitant to push my boundaries now I'm itching too, I want to go further with him very much (though I'm a little nervous to say it to him). Having sex with him isn't what it was before to me of me sort of doing him a favor that I still enjoyed somewhat, it's something I want for me because I want it, simple as that.

And this is SO STRANGE FOR ME.

Anyways, we have been dating for 7 months now and our emotional relationship has grown a lot recently as well. I've really been seriously falling in love with him in a way I didn't know could happen to me again. And I think these stronger feelings are sort of tied to a stronger need to be with him in a nonsexual way too, and the strengthening of this relationship.

Blahblah. Point being, I think this might be sexual attraction? Is it? I'm so confused, I don't know what to make of it. It's so weird how it has happened. I think I wouldn't have had a chance to have these feelings ever before in the past and maybe that's why now they're surfacing for the first time?

Am I demisexual? Do any of you have similar experiences? I want to hear if this sounds similar to your experiences or totally different.

Blargh. Confused.

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Do you think it's sexual attraction? From how you've described it, it could qualify as well as not qualify, in my opinion. It depends on how you experience it. Just remember that libido is separate from sexual attraction, so you can get turned on and aroused even if you don't feel sexual attraction.

Anyway, for the moment being, I'd say don't stress yourself all that much over labels, just enjoy your relationship and see where it goes. If you really want to do sexual things with him, and he's fine with that, you'll find the way to start them sooner or later. Maybe you just don't feel ready because these feelings are new to you - it's completely normal. Take your time and everything will be okay. :cake:

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Heh, sounds just like me XD

My advice to you is- labels are good, but don't get caught up in them. Do what you're comfortable with, and what feels nice, and don't worry about having a 'box' to fit in.

Personally my views on sexuality is that it's more of a "check all that apply" list rather than picking just one with a "take it or leave it" mentality ;)

More to the point, I was the same way. I've been able to bve aroused since it was biologically possible for me TO be aroused XD but I never felt like doing /anything/ really with any of my emotional partners. I've found that with each relationship I've gotten more comfortable with more physical contact, but my current guy OH MY GOD. *swoons*

I made the decision to change from identifying as "asexual" to "demisexual" because it's not just a matter of /wanting/ to be sexual with him, but I've actually instigated it a handful of times.

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BreathSoBitter

Heh, sounds just like me XD

My advice to you is- labels are good, but don't get caught up in them. Do what you're comfortable with, and what feels nice, and don't worry about having a 'box' to fit in.

Personally my views on sexuality is that it's more of a "check all that apply" list rather than picking just one with a "take it or leave it" mentality ;)

More to the point, I was the same way. I've been able to bve aroused since it was biologically possible for me TO be aroused XD but I never felt like doing /anything/ really with any of my emotional partners. I've found that with each relationship I've gotten more comfortable with more physical contact, but my current guy OH MY GOD. *swoons*

I made the decision to change from identifying as "asexual" to "demisexual" because it's not just a matter of /wanting/ to be sexual with him, but I've actually instigated it a handful of times.

I don't know if I could be the one to instigate. Thought it took a long time for me to be the one comfortable even kissing him first. So maybe that's just who I am.

Ugh, I don't know why I feel such a need to put myself into a box. I find it so satisfying to find one that fits. But it's so confusing when such is not the case :/

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Again, I was the same way (re: instigating) I've always been curious about sex so even before I got into this relationship I'd always known that I would most likely engage in sex at least twice "for science!"

When we reached that point it was kind of "well, this is... not terrible? *shrugs* I'll do it when he's interested, it won't hurt anything and he'll enjoy himself =)"

Then it started to be kind of fun....

Then one morning (we were on vacation and sharing a bed for the first extended period of time) I rolled over and looked at him and something in my head flipped. ...that was a fun morning lol.

My point in all of this is that I was able to do this without having some existential crisis. I (like you) knew demisexuality was a thing. I also knew sexually active asexuals was a thing. So I still identified as ace even after we started having sex. After the third time of me instigating the little voice in my head said "you know... demi might be a more /honest/ identifier" so I edited my profile, quick and simple.

But that doesn't mean YOU have to. And you don't have to justify your thoughts/feelings/actions to anyone but yourself. Anytime someone who knows me as ace gives me the "....o_0?" face in regards to my boyfriend I just shrug and say "I've never felt this way about/towards/because of anyone before, and you're not going to ruin it *skips away*"

Maybe you're demi.

Maybe you're a sexually curious ace.

Maybe you'll be a sexually active ace.

Or maybe you're just a girl (I assume, from the "PIV" comment) that loves her boyfriend and screw the labels.

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BreathSoBitter

Again, I was the same way (re: instigating) I've always been curious about sex so even before I got into this relationship I'd always known that I would most likely engage in sex at least twice "for science!"

When we reached that point it was kind of "well, this is... not terrible? *shrugs* I'll do it when he's interested, it won't hurt anything and he'll enjoy himself =)"

Then it started to be kind of fun....

Then one morning (we were on vacation and sharing a bed for the first extended period of time) I rolled over and looked at him and something in my head flipped. ...that was a fun morning lol.

My point in all of this is that I was able to do this without having some existential crisis. I (like you) knew demisexuality was a thing. I also knew sexually active asexuals was a thing. So I still identified as ace even after we started having sex. After the third time of me instigating the little voice in my head said "you know... demi might be a more /honest/ identifier" so I edited my profile, quick and simple.

But that doesn't mean YOU have to. And you don't have to justify your thoughts/feelings/actions to anyone but yourself. Anytime someone who knows me as ace gives me the "....o_0?" face in regards to my boyfriend I just shrug and say "I've never felt this way about/towards/because of anyone before, and you're not going to ruin it *skips away*"

Maybe you're demi.

Maybe you're a sexually curious ace.

Maybe you'll be a sexually active ace.

Or maybe you're just a girl (I assume, from the "PIV" comment) that loves her boyfriend and screw the labels.

This post was ridiculously helpful to me in my thinking about myself. It is really amazing.

Thank you so much.

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howyoufeel_org

I can only speak for how I eperience it and it sound alot like my kick ins when I start to feel romantic or sexual feelings.

For me it is a clear kick in, and often it feels pretty overhelming, not in a bad way, but still like beign flushed by cold water. I often think my godness I am lucky not to be fully sexual. But I guess a sexual person get more used to handle those feelings. I am demi-panromantic demi-heterosexual.

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