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Lydian

Stopping the Blame Game

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Tirnanog
On April 25, 2013 at 5:10 PM, MXC said:

I think that sex can be very important on an intimacy level for sexual people, and the reason why they can get resentful is not because they only care about sex but probably because is like negate them the level of intimacy their "emotional relationship" needs to feel close to the other person. in a way is like keeping them on a distance.

on the other side putting pressure in an asexual partner can kill the joy or desire they may get from sex when they decide to go for it. if you know your partner will respect your choice on the moment you'll feel more relaxed, while if you feel every attempt to intimacy like a "war" you have to fight, always been on a defensive mode it will only make intimacy uncomfortable.

finding the right balance is really hard and probably love is not enough. giving someone else the blame never helped in any kind of relationship, it is always 50/50, and sometimes no one is to blame but life.

hope it makes sense :)

Exactly! Which is why it's always frustrating for me to realize that I have a crush and actually scary when someone seems to reciprocate. Because I generally assume everyone is sexual unless they make it clear that they're not (not a great habit, but it's a coping mechanism). So I think about what would happen if we were in a relationship, and whether or not I'd be willing to have sex, and even if I would have sex for their sake it doesn't seem like it'd be enough of a bond for them, like I couldn't please them in the way that they deserve. (Not in that I'd be bad at the physical aspect, IDK on that part, I mean the attraction and excitement of sex would be absent). Moreover, and this might sound a bit dumb, but I never really paid much attention to all the advice adults/friends would give about relationships and sex, so jumping in blindfolded so to speak for my partner would be really scary on multiple levels. 

The thing that always depresses me about being asexual is that it's hard to communicate with allosexuals the isolation that I feel sometimes. I love my family and my friends, but the idea of a special someone is hard to reconcile with the knowledge that I might never be enough for them. And I can't just expect other people to understand my problem. Sure, it's not a big purposeful injustice like larger human rights issues for the LGBT+ community which get more attention because they are more straightforward (not easy, just straightforward) to combat by passing a policy. In my mind that's good because we set clear goals to accomplish so progress can be measured in milestones. But there's a hard uphill climb for day-to-day living because laws don't always define how people act. It's hard to live with being alone and invisible, knowing that no matter what you do your family or friends may never understand you or why you're unhappy. That's something tons of queer people worry about and live with every day, and that's why I think aces should always be counted as part of the LGBT+ community. Excuse my digression, please!

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Petra&9

@Tirnanog

I feel exactly the same sometimes. 

Just like I will never understand how sex can be such a vital thing for most people, I know that my friends and family will never be able to understand how it cannot be. It's lonely and scary sometimes. 

And for me the worst thing about it is that my partner, who is sexual, will also never really understand. Yes, communication, compromise and respect can make a perfectly happy relationship but I think this is one thing we will not be able to fully explain to one another ever. 

 

I have to admit I feel guilty sometimes because of it, because I cannot understand this desire and because I cannot act on it. 

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c_d

came here specifically for this advice. thank you everyone! sometimes i find it hard to see outside my head and being reminded to bring it back to the basics is just what i needed. (:

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Zile

Wow, this is a great post. My husband and I struggled with this particular issue for nearly ten years before I finally figured out I was ace. We had terrible arguments that basically boiled down to both of of feeling like the other one was being selfish. Now that I understand more about asexuality, I can see that he was just being himself and that I was also being perfectly normal within my own parameters. He and I have done a lot of apologizing since I figured it out about a month ago and it has been an eye opener. Of course that hasn't solved everything, but we aren't yelling at eachother anymore, so it's a start. I have a feeling that if we didn't have kids, we would probably split up, but we have decided to open up our relationship to see if that works. It's tricky, but I really don't want my family to split over this.

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Zendalis

Just want to say that the OP's ( @Lydian ) post was one of the best, most thought-out pieces I've seen. I have not come across any recent postings by this Avenite, so I'm assuming that this is a no-longer-active member...too bad.

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Rejection

I'm new to this. Recently married and am incredibly disappointed in his lack of desire. Sorry if I sound rude or insensitive. But feeling unwanted is killing me. How can anyone be asexual? I don't understand. Sexual intimacy is so important to me. Knowing he sleeps with me to just to keep me from feeling ridiculously horny all the time kills me. I wish I didn't want sex just so I don't feel the pain of rejection. 

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chair jockey
11 minutes ago, Rejection said:

I'm new to this. Recently married and am incredibly disappointed in his lack of desire. Sorry if I sound rude or insensitive. But feeling unwanted is killing me. How can anyone be asexual? I don't understand. Sexual intimacy is so important to me. Knowing he sleeps with me to just to keep me from feeling ridiculously horny all the time kills me. I wish I didn't want sex just so I don't feel the pain of rejection. 

It's not personal. If he's asexual then it's not that he fails to find you attractive, or that you fail to engage him. Very likely he does find you attractive and you do engage him on many levels, but nobody and nothing engages him sexually. It's really about him.

 

You might want to talk to some people in the For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies part of the forum, because that's the focused hangout for sexual people such as yourself. You're welcome everywhere on the forum, but the highest chance of finding someone who understands and can help is there. And the people there sometimes have decades of experience dealing with having an asexual partner (including legal spouse), so they could have thought of and tried things you haven't from simple time and experience.

 

From the opposite side of where you're coming from, it sucked when i didn't know I was asexual and sex just didn't work and my partner cried because she blamed herself. Someone in my position back then feels like a failure anyway, and her tears made me feel like even more of a failure. It was hell not only for her, but for me. But then i figured out that I'm just my version of normal, and life became possible. That relationship didn't last because the necessary knowledge came too late. You've taken a good step in coming here early, while there is still time to do something about the problems you're having. There's a lot of solid information here and a variety of opinions (some contradictory, but use your own judgment) that should be helpful.

 

Welcome to AVEN and enjoy your time here.

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The Dryad
On 5/13/2017 at 4:12 PM, Rejection said:

I'm new to this. Recently married and am incredibly disappointed in his lack of desire. Sorry if I sound rude or insensitive. But feeling unwanted is killing me. How can anyone be asexual? I don't understand. Sexual intimacy is so important to me. Knowing he sleeps with me to just to keep me from feeling ridiculously horny all the time kills me. I wish I didn't want sex just so I don't feel the pain of rejection. 

Asexuality is just a term for a type of "sexuality", for some people it's defined as the absence of a sexuality and repulsion of it, the fact is since we're human our bodies might desire sex, and some might not, as a fellow asexual I find the thought of sex with someone completely repulsive, and having sex with someone would be a gift to someone and a guess a 'token of my love' , if I ever wanted to be in a relationship to begin with. I don't think you should feel rejected per say, but sex can be extremely repulsive to us, even someone we really love, I guess it's just something you have to work out with him :/ honestly I don't even know why I posted, I'm a virgin XD I know there are some forums started by the older generations, maybe look to them for experience? Sorry I can't help...

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Icebearpanda
On 5/13/2017 at 5:12 PM, Rejection said:

I'm new to this. Recently married and am incredibly disappointed in his lack of desire. Sorry if I sound rude or insensitive. But feeling unwanted is killing me. How can anyone be asexual? I don't understand. Sexual intimacy is so important to me. Knowing he sleeps with me to just to keep me from feeling ridiculously horny all the time kills me. I wish I didn't want sex just so I don't feel the pain of rejection. 

Well, asexual people are asexual because that's who they are, just as allosexuals are allosexuals because that's who they are. It's not a choice, anymore than someone chooses to breathe- it just is. I know this may sound mean but; don't take it personally. Really: don't take it personally. If this is who your partner is, then it is how they would be with anyone- it is not a reflection on you or your worth, or on whether they love you or not, or or whether your relationship is healthy or not. They obviously want to be with you since they entered into a marriage with you. I know it may seem odd- after all, society teaches us that intimate relationships that don't include sex aren't valid or happy. We're also taught that if sex is not happening then something must be wrong with us or the relationship- but society isn't always right and the ways and defaults that we've operated on can change. The thing is, you and your partner get to determine what kind of relationship you have, what it includes, and how you want it to be. The fact that your partner is willing to have sex with you because they know it is important to you, even if its not their thing, is actually a really good sign to build on. Framing it as less a rejection of you as a person, and more of just an understanding of that is who your partner is and how they operate, may help. Be kind to yourself too- it's alot to unpack and you're not going to change a lifetime of  societal conditioning overnight. I'm currently reading this book and finding it helpful : The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. It includes a chapter for people who have just discovered that a partner is asexual and you may find it useful. Good luck. 

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James121
On 13/05/2017 at 10:12 PM, Rejection said:

I'm new to this. Recently married and am incredibly disappointed in his lack of desire. Sorry if I sound rude or insensitive. But feeling unwanted is killing me. How can anyone be asexual? I don't understand. Sexual intimacy is so important to me. Knowing he sleeps with me to just to keep me from feeling ridiculously horny all the time kills me. I wish I didn't want sex just so I don't feel the pain of rejection. 

Hi, I know what you going through. Unfortunately I would suggest you may be on the wrong forum as your husband is either a) not asexual in which case here is not the right place or b) asexual in which case every excuse going will be made for him in this forum. The fact of the matter is, if it is b) the selfish bloke shouldn't have trapped you inside a marriage without a full disclosure of what he was. It pains me to think that people do this! Without truly knowing what you were getting in to you didn't truly consent. How could you have ?

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chair jockey

People have a tendency to moralize about their own gratification. Because it's problematic to say openly that you just want to be gratified, they wrap that desire for gratification in the false robes of moral goodness, and talk like it's a natural right for them to be gratified. This applies to some people of every sex and gender and sexual orientation. The most harmful ones are the toxically strong personalities who don't consciously realize the stratagem they're using and genuinely believe their own bullshit and are even fanatical about it. .I contended with quite a few of them as a teenager 40 years ago, but they still exist today. But their influence has been such that it's now almost an article of faith that one's own gratification is an absolute good for each person, and that unwitting ethical position is now apparent behind the words many people say. This is a sword that cuts both ways, because it would be silly to think that only aromantic sexuals sometimes act like it's a crime to deny them no-strings-attached sex. Romantic asexuals sometimes also vent bitterly about the crime against humanity of not gratifying their romantic desires without wanting sex from them. And both the aromantic sexuals and the romantic asexuals talk like it's the eleventh commandment in the Bible for their desires to be gratified, even though that view is presupposed rather than actually stated in their words, and they are likely not even conscious of it.

 

Sorry for the rant, but your post set me off.

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DarkDragon

Hello everyone, I'm sorry if this thread is dead or that's its old. But I wanted to share my opinions and thoughts as well as experiences in my life. I'm non sexual in anyway, and shuddered or cringe inside at my partners reactions and the way he speaks to me, can anyone help me understand what I'm doing wrong ( I might not be but my partner makes me feel like this sometimes, I don't know if its on purpose or not) but I've been with him for three years and I love him to pieces as well as compromising many things to make us both happy. Firstly I've never had sex and don't want anything to do with it at all, which he finds strange and we have spoken many times but it always lead to me feeling nervous, anxious and upset as he wants me to agree to doing things then he becomes upset when he tries to do something and I reject him or go stiff and unresponsive towards his actions. I've been watching this site reading and seeing all stories and I'm happy that this post has things that describe and help me understand more then before.

Sex has always been strange I've never understood why people are so into it and why they find asexual strange for not having it. I agree sex is important to others but myself is nothing but a way to have kids (something me and my partner have had discussions about and neither side coming to a compromise)

sorry if I'm rambling on this. ^.^ I can compromised and have on many occasions but he explains he wants to make me feel pleasure which I've explain many times that there's no point because I just can't get into it like him(he finds pleasure in giving me pleasure but is upset when he gets no reaction from me at all) Can anyone give any advice as I'm confused on what to do.

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Icebearpanda
20 hours ago, DarkDragon said:

Hello everyone, I'm sorry if this thread is dead or that's its old. But I wanted to share my opinions and thoughts as well as experiences in my life. I'm non sexual in anyway, and shuddered or cringe inside at my partners reactions and the way he speaks to me, can anyone help me understand what I'm doing wrong ( I might not be but my partner makes me feel like this sometimes, I don't know if its on purpose or not) but I've been with him for three years and I love him to pieces as well as compromising many things to make us both happy. Firstly I've never had sex and don't want anything to do with it at all, which he finds strange and we have spoken many times but it always lead to me feeling nervous, anxious and upset as he wants me to agree to doing things then he becomes upset when he tries to do something and I reject him or go stiff and unresponsive towards his actions. I've been watching this site reading and seeing all stories and I'm happy that this post has things that describe and help me understand more then before.

Sex has always been strange I've never understood why people are so into it and why they find asexual strange for not having it. I agree sex is important to others but myself is nothing but a way to have kids (something me and my partner have had discussions about and neither side coming to a compromise)

sorry if I'm rambling on this. ^.^ I can compromised and have on many occasions but he explains he wants to make me feel pleasure which I've explain many times that there's no point because I just can't get into it like him(he finds pleasure in giving me pleasure but is upset when he gets no reaction from me at all) Can anyone give any advice as I'm confused on what to do.

 First things first: You do not ever have to do anything you do not want to do. Your boundaries are valid and need to be respected. Doesn't matter how long you've been together or how much you love him, if he is asking for things that you are not comfortable giving and you have made it clear how you feel about it, you get to say "No" and that needs to be respected. Make sure that you're not the only one doing the compromising in your relationship- that gets old in any relationship very quickly.

Your partner may find these articles helpful:How to Have Sex with an Asexual (Spoiler alert: You don't expect it, and communication, communication, communication on *both* sides)

So You are Dating an Asexual Person

You may find it helpful to read The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. Among lots of good info it talks about navigating asexual and allosexual relationships

Good luck

 

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DarkDragon

Hello Icebearpanda, I completely understand and I have said no thousands of times to him, and every time i feel useless or stupid for not being able to understand what he wants from me or why he wants that. I'll show him these links hopefully they help thank you for sharing them, its a step in the right way if he takes time to read them. Recently he's been pushing more which is leading me to break downs and a state of panic and stress which only causes me to isolate myself even more, I have always been distance not really liking to be touch by anyone besides family, which he hates as he wants to cuddle and kiss me, anything sets him off into a horny mood and wanting sex.

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Icebearpanda
4 hours ago, DarkDragon said:

Hello Icebearpanda, I completely understand and I have said no thousands of times to him, and every time i feel useless or stupid for not being able to understand what he wants from me or why he wants that. I'll show him these links hopefully they help thank you for sharing them, its a step in the right way if he takes time to read them. Recently he's been pushing more which is leading me to break downs and a state of panic and stress which only causes me to isolate myself even more, I have always been distance not really liking to be touch by anyone besides family, which he hates as he wants to cuddle and kiss me, anything sets him off into a horny mood and wanting sex.

It sounds like you and your partner need to have a open discussion about what each of you wants, how you show affection and what you each want and need from a relationship. You say "if he takes the time to read" the articles I linked. If he's interested in being a good partner, then he's going to need to start thinking about how he can support you, and he may have to change his thinking about how he approaches expressing and wanting affection from you .Pushing someone to do or give more than they want to really isn't ok in any relationship and if he cares about you, he's not going to want to do that. I want to kiss my date but that's something that she has told me she is not ready for, and maybe she never will be. Is that disappointing? Sure, it's been a typical way I've expressed romantic interest in the past. Is it worth overruling her deal breaker because *I* want to do it? Of course not. Good partners don't want the people they love to be having panic attacks because of their behavior.  If you talk to him, and he still pushes for more, or if he's not interested in being more supportive, then you've got to consider what you need and whether that's the type of person who can provide it for you. Good luck. 

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DarkDragon

we try to have a open discussion as you said but it doesn't work as he always goes back to the way he had thought about the situation, I'm not a touchy feely person and we are opposites, he is like a oven(body heat) and I'm always cold so I don't have prolonged contact with him due to it making me sick from the heat and we have spoken on this and he understands. I've read the articles and a few good points jump out to me and i think he will understand more when he reads these, as I've always shrugged his hands off me and told him not to touch places.

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alibali

I did eventually leave my marriage. I used to "give" sex because I thought it was what people did. But ultimately that isn't satisfying for either. I realised that for it to work sexual needs need to be compatible or someone feels used and the other feels selfish. It's isolating being asexual, but that is even worse in a relationship that is not a true partnership.

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James121
On 13/05/2017 at 10:12 PM, Rejection said:

I'm new to this. Recently married and am incredibly disappointed in his lack of desire. Sorry if I sound rude or insensitive. But feeling unwanted is killing me. How can anyone be asexual? I don't understand. Sexual intimacy is so important to me. Knowing he sleeps with me to just to keep me from feeling ridiculously horny all the time kills me. I wish I didn't want sex just so I don't feel the pain of rejection. 

Welcome to the club of the rejected. I am a young male who's wife seemed to click her fingers and turn off the sex tap. She's fine with it and she is also absolutely fine with the fact I am not ok with. The refusers could not give a shit and you will never be allowed to say or do anything about it because it is socially unacceptable to pressure someone for sex. And that is what all refusers will interpret you saying something as being...pressure. It's their natural go to defence mechanism because it is extremely extremely effective.

This leaves you with the option of suffering in silence and your silence will be interpreted by your refuser as proof that you don't have any concerns or issues with the lack of sex. In other words you are damned if you do say anything and damned if you don't. Do yourself a favour and have a private affair. Just don't get caught.

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Grinchmer
7 minutes ago, James121 said:

She's fine with it and she is also absolutely fine with the fact I am not ok with.

I think that this is the major problem in your situation. Your partner doesn't seem to think that there's a problem, or she just doesn't care about the fact that there is one. This is something that needs to be addressed regardless of whether the issue is sex or any other part of a relationship. If one of the partners simply doesn't care about the other partner's problems, they won't be going anywhere.

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alibali

I left my marriage. As far as I know he has not found anyone else in 2 years and we still get on well.  As an (unknowing) ace I couldn't understand why sex was important but it wrecked my marriage. I think I can see now that it is a kind of glue that cements a relationship, but that kind of glue wasn't necessary for me.

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