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I don't know when people flirt with me


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#1 halsduk

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 08:54 PM

How do I tell?

I don't notice things well. I had to be told someone in my class had been pissed at me for several months. I've talked to a guy and my mum remarked that he flirted a lot with me, and I had no idea what she was talking about. 

 

I want believe people have conversations with me because they like me as a person, I don't want to think that people talk with me only because they have an ulterior motive (sex or something).

 

And how do I tell them to stop? >.< 



#2 Junebug03

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:01 PM

I wish I could help, but I wanted to let you know your not alone.  I have no idea to tell when other people are flirting with me or even worse, when I am flirting back.  :(  I think I am being nice, but turns out I am flirting...  dang.  :(

 

I wish people wouldn't flirt with me...and if they would I wish they would flat out tell me so I can tell them I am not interested.  Its frustrating. 


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#3 Touchofinsight

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:12 PM

The problem with detecting flirting is its so vague.

 

There is no universal definition of what flirting is.

 

Some people presume its just about being nice towards someone, or a smile.

 

Others treat it as a more complex manner, body language, semantics (word choice), tone of voice, etc.

 

Its kind of an all of the above because each individual chooses to (or not) send these signals in different ways.

 

Its really a game of guess work and intuition. Sometimes your wrong, sometimes your right.

 

The best way to approach someone who you think might be flirting with you or someone your interested in is to treat them like an individual, hello my name is Insert name here.

 

Then start a conversation etc.

 

Shows confidence and respect.

 

No lame cheesy pick up lines, no sleezy terms of endearment used on complete stranger etc.

 

Seems plain but it works, or has worked for me.


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#4 Messen

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:12 PM

Aint it the most annoying thing ever? >> I usually take the flirting attempts as if they are trying to make a fool of me, so I use to go kinda defensive n bothered. I atleast think they are trying to flirt, since it happens every now and then and I dont think strangers are trying to mess with me all the time? o.o I dunno, I probably wont stop pullin my gun in those situations.

 

I guess best way of getting them to stop is either walk around with a hat sayin "I have aids, ebola, rabies and all other nasty diseases" or wearing a chicken suit, pick what suits you the best.


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#5 `Silver

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:12 PM

Hint: parents tend to think any person of the opposite sex is flirting with you. Keep that in mind. :P

Other than that I'd say try and notice how they behave with others... if they're nice to everyone, then they're likely not flirting. If they're only nice to you, then you can start suspecting something, in which case... I wouldn't know what to suggest, sorry. Perhaps backing off a bit? It really depends on the case.


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#6 PerfectlyDarkTails

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:15 PM

I couldn't tell either if someone's flirting... Or any body language for that matter... :mellow:

#7 punk_pup

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:17 PM

you're not the only one, I'm terrible at picking things up. I also overlook "hints" and pointers too.



#8 Axestopper Pete

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:22 PM

I have no idea if people flirt with me or not. If people do, no one points it out to me. All I have noticed is that when girls walk past and catch my eye, they often give a very quick smile before looking away. I I have no idea if they think I look funny, good, attractive or what.

 

Bear in mind, I don't think all flirting is intended to go anywhere e.g. bizarrely often I hear interviewers flirting with interviewees on the radio. I think that might be just for audience appeal though. But maybe some people flirt because they just generally enjoy flirting and don't intend it to go anywhere. I read an article in the New Zealand Listener where the columnist was saying how one of his friends had taken to dating simply because he liked dating and wasn't actually interested in relationships.

 

Though I suppose most people flirting do have hopes...


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#9 highcakedrive

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:34 PM

Trying to flirt with me is like trying to explain the string theory in latin to a baby. Point is, I don't know either. Is it in body language? I'm glad to not be attractive, keeps the flirtatious individuals away.


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#10 halsduk

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:35 PM

Thank you all for your replies, it makes me glad to know I'm not the only one being thoroughly confused by all this =) And it's given me a bit to think about. 

 

@Messen: I really like the idea of an ebola-hat xD 

 

If they are flirting with me, I have no idea, and I take their kindness for nothing else than kindness. I'm not flirting back at them, at least not meaning to. So I'm just trying to be friends. It feels a bit tense though, like I'm expecting them to blow up at me for leading them on. 



#11 InterPlatonic

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:38 PM

This girl where I worked flirted with me for 10months, she would bump into me and give me this really intense stare.  One day I was in the changing room which is unisex, usually the girls get changed in the toilets, but she just stripped right in front of me.  She spent 10 minutes in her underwear and a shirt talking to me.  I just thought that she was being really liberal.  I only realised that she liked me when she was having a conversation with the supervisor in her own language and the supervisor called me and then the girl quickly told her to stop in her own language to which the supervisor said to me "nothing".  It sort clicked in my head that something might be up, so I sat on the bar next to the open kitchen and spoke to the chef about my suspicions and he was been very sarcastic.



#12 Thecatlady

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:41 PM

Meh. I hate that. People flirt with me, I tell them I'm not interested, usually very nicely. "Look, I like you. You're a very nice person. But...don't do that. I'm not interested..."

And just like that, I'm the bad guy.

I friendzoned them

I broke their heart.

Why is it that every girl I'm interested in just wants to be friends?

I truly hate that. When did friendship become something negative? It makes me want to tell people like that, "Look, if i'm not adequate as a friend if spending time with me has been such a burden to you, I certainly will suck as a 'girlfriend.'"

Anyway, people vary in terms of how people flirt with you. They might blush, they might be more interested in talking to you than they normally would be. You might have nothing in common with that person and yet they are excessively interested in spending time with you, they might compliment you, they might want to hold your hand or something. I dunno.


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#13 InterPlatonic

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 09:41 PM

This girl where I worked flirted with me for 10months, she would bump into me and give me this really intense stare.  One day I was in the changing room which is unisex, usually the girls get changed i



#14 Littlegrandma

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Posted 14 April 2013 - 11:13 PM

Trying to flirt with me is like trying to explain the string theory in latin to a baby.

 

This sentence is the best sentence I've read all day.


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#15 *killer*queen*

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Posted 15 April 2013 - 02:24 AM

Meh, I'm clueless myself most of the time unless it's very obvious. Subtlety will be lost on me. I've gotten the "being nice = flirting" myself. I gave up trying to make it clear me being nice is not flirting..."I'm being nice. I don't know how you were raised, dude, but that's how I was raised." It's sad. So nowadays I basically ignore everyone. If I think they're flirting I ignore them all the more. I don't get it and I don't really care for it, it's not my thing. I don't do games, that's basically what it is to me.
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#16 Assh

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Posted 15 April 2013 - 03:04 AM

I never know either if someone is flirting with me. I usually just think 'This is great! Someone who actually wants to have a conversation and is interested in what I'm saying!'

Apparently though I flirt all the time...even though all I think I'm doing is showing respect and listening. One woman actually got violent with me because of it...First time we met through a mutual friend, we ended up staying awake until dawn just talking. She constantly commented on how nice it was to meet a guy who wasn't like all the rest...by our fourth encounter/meeting/date? she tried to get me into bed...when I said I wasn't interested in her like that she started slapping me and punching me saying I was just a tease who gets his jollies by leading people on (Who'd have thought it? Men and women are more alike than people would care to admit) Anyway, at the time I didn't know anything about asexuality...I knew I was different, I just didn't know the hows or whys but it was one of those moments that really hurt and made me question if I really was a bad person at heart.

But I digress lol My point I think is that flirting is hard enough for sexuals to understand and recognise properly and it can be a very tricky road to navigate...For asexuals it can be downright treacherous and perhaps impossible to recognise



#17 Azure.Providence

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Posted 15 April 2013 - 03:30 AM

Meh. I hate that. People flirt with me, I tell them I'm not interested, usually very nicely. "Look, I like you. You're a very nice person. But...don't do that. I'm not interested..."

And just like that, I'm the bad guy.

I friendzoned them

I broke their heart.

Why is it that every girl I'm interested in just wants to be friends?

I truly hate that. When did friendship become something negative? It makes me want to tell people like that, "Look, if i'm not adequate as a friend if spending time with me has been such a burden to you, I certainly will suck as a 'girlfriend.'"

Anyway, people vary in terms of how people flirt with you. They might blush, they might be more interested in talking to you than they normally would be. You might have nothing in common with that person and yet they are excessively interested in spending time with you, they might compliment you, they might want to hold your hand or something. I dunno.

Oh I hate that too.  Whats wrong with every girl wanting to be your friend? That sounds awesome!  It seems to me that some guys only treat women as a potential source for poon and reserve true friendship for their bros. Once the poon potential hits 0 they get mad at the girl for wasting their time.

 

 

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Edited by Azure.Providence, 15 April 2013 - 03:31 AM.


#18 cethmistmyk

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Posted 15 April 2013 - 07:56 PM

I know how you feel!  I wish people had a sign on their foreheads that lit up when they were flirting!  I'm awful at getting subtext out of books, much less conversation!  If you want something, tell me, don't make me guess!

I may be just as clueless as everyone else, but I don't think everyone I talk to wants to have sex...  (some of the rude guys on the street, yes, the guy I sit by everyday, no)  You can't tell them to stop.  I agree with whoever said it, observe how the person you're talking to acts around others, if it's noticeably different (or only different for a certain demographic) they may (or may not) be flirting with you... 

I think I tend to be rather short and rude almost to people I think are flirting with me (that or being overly sexual).  I try to be nice to everyone, but I'd rather not know that you think I'm hot.

I hope that helped!



#19 Satin

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Posted 16 April 2013 - 02:48 PM

Yeah, I suck at flirting, too. I never know when someone is flirting with me or someone else, I just can't tell the difference. And frankly, I don't care. Flirting is very subjective, as Touchofinsight has stated. If someone mistakes me for being flirty... well. Whatever. I'm not a fan of the famous "I'm only responsible for what I said and not for what you interpreted" phrase but I guess it somewhat applies here. I'm not purposely trying to ruin someone's fun and as long as there are no definite guidelines of what falls under flirting how can I tell or what should I do against it? Apologise I'm so clueless?

 

Meh. I hate that. People flirt with me, I tell them I'm not interested, usually very nicely. "Look, I like you. You're a very nice person. But...don't do that. I'm not interested..."

And just like that, I'm the bad guy.

I friendzoned them

I broke their heart.

Why is it that every girl I'm interested in just wants to be friends?

I truly hate that. When did friendship become something negative? It makes me want to tell people like that, "Look, if i'm not adequate as a friend if spending time with me has been such a burden to you, I certainly will suck as a 'girlfriend.'"

Anyway, people vary in terms of how people flirt with you. They might blush, they might be more interested in talking to you than they normally would be. You might have nothing in common with that person and yet they are excessively interested in spending time with you, they might compliment you, they might want to hold your hand or something. I dunno.

 

Yeah, that annoys me, too. On 9gag there are also so many jokes lately regarding the "our brothers in the friendzone" meme. What's so bad about that? Friendship is awesome, don't be so sad if you can't get someone into bed. Also, what goes into a similar direction: I really dislike the (apparently common?) belief that males and females cannot be friends unless the guy is gay. But that's just me ranting now so let's leave it at that.



#20 Uhh

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Posted 16 April 2013 - 09:22 PM

I have the same problem. I usually realize it later like when I'm about to fall asleep and rewinding through my day and it just suddenly clicks. Then I feel like an ass because I didn't get the guy's flirting hints. I wouldn't say that all flirting has the motive of sex in mind, it depends on the context and the person doing the flirting. One of my brother's friends likes to hit on me and I find it offensive but that's because I know he just wants to try and sleep with me (which is not ever going to happen). But the whole not being able to tell when someone is flirting thing is really bothering me because there's this guy I like and I don't realize he's flirting till later and then ultimately (even though I like him) I end up sending him signals that are probably telling him I don't like him that way (well I feel like I am, anyway). It also doesn't help that I'm shy so while my friends accuse me of flirting, I feel like I don't know how to make it more obvious that I like him. 


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#21 kochouran

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 01:51 AM

I still have trouble detecting flirtation in the moment.  In hind sight, I realize that they're paying more attention to me than others in the room.  There will be more smiling, more contact, more overall effort in trying to get my attention.  Teasing is a tactic my partner used when he flirted in the past so I've made a mental note about that.

 

In the past, I would try to make in clear in conversation that I'm not interested in dating, period.  It wouldn't be directed at them, but hopefully they would get the clue that they are among those I would not date.  I've also adopted a colder demeanor so that friendliness doesn't get mistaken for interest.  I'm not necessarily unfriendly, but I'll smile less and keep my replies short.  Of course there are some who mistake that for playing "hard to get" which is really annoying.


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#22 KittenPuff

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 02:11 AM

My husband says people flirt with me all the time and that I get "cruised" (guys checking me out) a lot. I have no idea what he's talking about. I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm hot and believes everybody else thinks so, too. We were talking about it the other day. He said he's been flirted with a lot and I said that nobody ever flirts with me. That's when he informed me of all the flirting and cruising I have apparently been oblivious for lo these many years. I've had people say kind of blatant things to me, but I just assume they're making fun of me. That's what it feels like, anyway.


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#23 Fiddler's_Green

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 02:43 AM

I honestly do not know if I have ever been flirted with. I really cannot tell many parts of conversation and social relations. Perhaps this is why people think I am being unnecessarily mean at times or that I sound pretentious. I just want to scream "Damn your rules of social interaction! I understand nothing!"


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#24 A Touch of Insanity

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 03:05 AM

How do I tell?

I don't notice things well. I had to be told someone in my class had been pissed at me for several months. I've talked to a guy and my mum remarked that he flirted a lot with me, and I had no idea what she was talking about. 

 

I want believe people have conversations with me because they like me as a person, I don't want to think that people talk with me only because they have an ulterior motive (sex or something).

 

And how do I tell them to stop? >.< 

Don't tell them to stop, ignore them like I do. If you want to send a message to more than one person, make yourself unappealing. Pretty easy when you're me, because to be unappealing I just be myself.


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#25 Graceful

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 03:21 AM

I can't detect flirting. I can barely detect being hit on and that's when it's blatant sleaze.


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#26 OkayWithIt

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 05:33 AM

I'm pretty good at detecting when people are flirting with me or others. There is a difference between flirting for fun and flirting for further intentions (whatever they may be). Everyone says (apparently) I'm super nice and I feel like a lot of girls misconstrue my kindness as flirting, when that's just how I am; I'm not intentionally flirting. I also (apparently) smile a lot at people, which I guess girls also misinterpret as me being interested. It's interesting how these things work!

And what stinks is when I have to tell girls "I don't have the time to commit to a relationship, as I barely have enough time for my friends." Which is partially true, except for that I leave out the part about not feeling sexual attraction. :P

#27 I am Sherlocked

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 09:23 AM

I can't tell when people are flirting with me until it's made obvious. As in them asking if I'm seeing anyone or they're body language/ the way they look at me. It gives off that icky leer look that is just creepy. When I notice that, I try to not be as nice and friendly as I was being and tone it down a little. Often, my kindness and joy at my job gets confused for flirting. I work in a Gamestop which is like dude central besides families that shop there.

Thankfully, I'm now in a commited relationship, so I can easily tell them that I'm in fact seeing someone so they're interest is unwanted.

 

 

My husband says people flirt with me all the time and that I get "cruised" (guys checking me out) a lot. I have no idea what he's talking about. I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm hot and believes everybody else thinks so, too. We were talking about it the other day. He said he's been flirted with a lot and I said that nobody ever flirts with me. That's when he informed me of all the flirting and cruising I have apparently been oblivious for lo these many years. I've had people say kind of blatant things to me, but I just assume they're making fun of me. That's what it feels like, anyway.



Yeah, my boyfriend said the same thing. Whenever someone does something flirty, he remarks and tells me so and I'm just an oblivious little kitten and ask "really? I didn't notice." lol. He's all, yeah, you never do. Due to him being what society considers attractive, I just assume whatever female is talking to him is interested in him sexually since that's how most people are. Regardless, I know that he isn't interested in them because he always remarks about a flaw he sees in them. lol.


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#28 Kitty Spoon Train

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 09:41 AM

I can tell. If anything, I think I get false positives and sometimes misinterpret friendliness as flirtation. But when it really is flirting, then it's unmistakeable to me.

 

(Yes, I know the logic of all that is totally mangled, but whatever  :P)


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#29 Quinoa

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Posted 20 April 2013 - 12:23 AM

Last year, before I realized I was ace, there was this time when I was afraid someone who I live with was flirting with me. He was going out of his way to talk to me a lot, and he seemed to be touching me more than most guys do. It was never inappropriate touching, just tapping me on the shoulder, and things like that. It's not that I mind that kind of touching, it's just unusual to get that from a guy you just met. I was terrified. Then, I decided to specifically watch how he related to other people, and noticed that he does that to everyone. What a relief! We've become close friends since then.

 

I can never tell when people are flirting with me. I hate when I think someone might be flirting with me, because I honestly have no idea how to deal with it. How do I say no politely? How can I be non-flirty without being rude?


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#30 Epitaksor

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Posted 20 April 2013 - 06:50 AM

I can relate to that. I remember some situations in which supposedly someone flirted with me. Then, I did not realise at all, I only know because I was told by another person. I myself didn't notice anything, but it seemed to be obvious for most of the other persons around.

 

As well, I have had occurences the opposite way. People told me to stop flirting while I personally didn't intend to, but they seemed to be quite sure about it.


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