When You Do Feel Sexual, Is It Overwhelming?

[eurydice]

Hey guys,

I'm demisexual, who had believed that I was both asexual and a nonlibidoist until very recently when I experienced both sexual attraction and a sexual drive for the first time. Honestly, the past couple of months have been overwhelming for me - it's been strange to suddenly have "feelings" like butterflies or a desire, especially when it is directed towards a specific person. There are times that I feel completely unable to function. I keep thinking, "Is this what everyone experiences all the time?" A part of me has trouble understanding how sexual people function - I only have this problem with a single person. I can't even imagine, but I suppose that's a different discussion.

I guess I'm wondering how other gray-a's deal with sexual attraction (or maybe "deal" isn't the right word). Does it feel difficult, strange, overwhelming, fun, great? I don't really know. Is being gray-a frustrating at times?

eurydice xx

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Yeah, I can sort of relate to this, as a demisexual.

The thing is: I've always had a libido (physiologically speaking). So I'm used to it. It's something that was just always there, and "dealing with it" was always the same kind of bodily maintenance as going to the toilet is.

But yeah, falling in love with someone is what can trigger the desire to share it with them. This is few, far between, and takes a LOT of bonding. But yes, once it hits it's very overwhelming and special. But it sort of runs together with the emotional aspect of bonding, and since I have the physical libido all the time anyway, somehow the sexual aspect never seemed like it should be such a big deal - even though it sort of is.

[ADP]

With me, it was pretty all-consuming for the first few months, then it became just a normal part of life. I think that sexual people also go through something like this with new relationships, but they've usually experienced it before, so it doesn't feel as unexpected and overwhelming.

[Of The Forest]

I have for one person, but it was really overwhelming and i wasn't ready for it.

[danish_dino]

I wouldn't say being grey-a is FRUSTRATING...it's a bit more along the lines of confusing. I have a libido, and sometimes I'm attracted to people, but pretty inevitably that all disappears in the bedroom. And if you've never experienced it before, it can definitely be overwhelming.

[Siggy]

For me I would not say it is overwhelming. Rather than having spikes of attraction, it's just a constant weak background for me.

[Gamesafoot]

Knowing if it's limited to fantasy or viable in real life is confusing to me.

[Grumpy Alien]

It's... muted, so it's not overwhelming. The best word to describe how I feel toward it is foreign.

[Amedot]

It can be overwhelming and frustrating. And kinda scary. But I don't have to deal with it alone.

I tell my GF I'm in the mood and we have a good romp and the feelings go away and everything is better.

[WhenSummersGone]

I find it different, slightly overwhelming. I mostly find it a bit frustrating, because all the times I've wanted sex with a specific person the other person wasn't interested or I can't meet them (a celebrity who lives in another country and has a girlfriend). Hopefully one day the feeling will be mutual with someone.

[meggi2006]

I agree, it is overwhelming to have a crush on somebody! Maybe being asexual makes crushes even more crushing?? I think the same thing. I have such rare instances of attraction to someone that when I do get a crush I am devastated. I know exactly what you mean. And I hope it won't happen again once it stops.

[Misbegot]

I do have sudden and overwhelming bouts of attraction to people, but it's rarely (if ever or at all) sexual. More just in some tiny thing they'll do, and then I'll just fall in love for 10 seconds or so.

[Mole]

I have experienced sexual attraction once (which is why I classify as probably grey a) and it was overwhelming. I found it a most disagreeable experience both in mind and body and found it very difficult to deal with but I think that was largely because it was a one off. I can see how someone who is constantly experiencing it could become accustomed to it. Every attraction can be good or bad so the next one might be good even if the last one was bad. Each new attraction will dull the memory of the last and there are always new opportunities. After all each persons type/level of attraction is not a matter of choice, we try to normalise what we experience internally and get on with living.

[sunnyrose]

I have experienced sexual attraction a couple of times, I think. It was kind of weird. At the same time, it was not like I actively wanted to have sex... I don`t know. Once I did act on it, although it was mostly like the attraction was mutual and I passively had sex, if that makes any sense...? The whole thing was kind of strange to me. What I do know is that feeling went away and never came back.

Edit: FYI, I'm grey-a and definitely NOT demi... I'm almost the opposite of demi or something.

me too!

[aragorn1780]

despite my being demisexual I actually have a fairly normal (if not high) sex drive, and if I'm in a relationship with someone where there's sex.... it's basically like I'm a straight heterosexual again hahaha
it's overwhelming in the sense that because of my sexuality (or lack thereof) I have a tendency to become sexually frustrated given the lack of potential partners I can comfortably express it with (and lemme tell you... saturday afternoons alone on the computer only do so much if you know what I mean hahaha)

once in a while my drive will be overwhelming enough that I have to question my own gray-asexuality after responding in the positive to someone soliciting me for sex, it's usually a week of "oh lord am I still asexual/demisexual? does this mean I was straight the entire time? what? what? oh god!" followed by months of "nah my libido was just ridiculous that weekend.... I'm fine" XDD

[Data]

I am not sure if I had felt sexual attraction or not, but I had not felt anything overwhelming or butterflies, but libido did increase allot over few last years from about twice a month to almost daily, and I am no longer anhedonic about it. It doesn't feel like a big change to me, just a new way to use some time.

[Arf]

despite my being demisexual I actually have a fairly normal (if not high) sex drive, and if I'm in a relationship with someone where there's sex.... it's basically like I'm a straight heterosexual again hahaha

it's overwhelming in the sense that because of my sexuality (or lack thereof) I have a tendency to become sexually frustrated given the lack of potential partners I can comfortably express it with (and lemme tell you... saturday afternoons alone on the computer only do so much if you know what I mean hahaha)

once in a while my drive will be overwhelming enough that I have to question my own gray-asexuality after responding in the positive to someone soliciting me for sex, it's usually a week of "oh lord am I still asexual/demisexual? does this mean I was straight the entire time? what? what? oh god!" followed by months of "nah my libido was just ridiculous that weekend.... I'm fine" XDD

This is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I'll question whether I'm even gray-asexual at all because I like/desire sex as much as the next non-asexual and do get frustrated, but I'm here because I have found a grand total of two people sexually attractive.

[MonsterNessa]

I've always disliked having crushes. It's distracting in my daily life and I can never get over the paranoia that someone can see inside my head and know exactly when I'm thinking. I never quite understood when my girlfriends really seemed to enjoy their crushes, because on the occasion it happened to me I was mostly just embarrassed with myself.

Ironically, on the very, very rare occasion I find myself sexually attracted to someone I don't know I tend to just laugh at myself and move on. But sexual attraction with strangers tends to be a 5-minutes-and-never-again thing for me, so I guess I do better with it because I know it isn't going to stick around.

Naturally, I have no issue at all with sexual attraction to my spouse, lol. But I remember when we were first together I was thrilled because I could have a crush and be sexually attracted to someone and not have to deal with any negative feelings because I knew the feelings were reciprocated. I've not had many relationships, and this is the only one where I generally get the feeling we are on the same page with that sort of thing.

[ChocoboFFA]

it extremely hard for me.... my whole life I was told im broken. I love to cuddle kiss make out everything... till the actual act of sex... ill go like 6months without acting on arousal then its like a light switch and its all I want 24/7 for like a week or two... then the switch is off and its like it never happened... I never know when its going to hit me or how long it lasts... each time I think will this last forever or will this be the last time..... I wish I could just spread it evenly throughout the year... I feel bad for my boyfriend

[sitheist]

For me sexual attraction is definitely both very overwhelming and frustrating! Generally, it's directed towards celebrities or fictional characters (Same thing basically, I'm never gonna meet either.) I have a bit of a cycle where for a week or so it'll be really overwhelming, sometimes it's pleasant but usually it becomes frustrating. Then the next week I'll get fixated on something else that's completely non-sexual. I'm not sure if it has something to do with my hormones or what...

I've only had like 4 major "crushes" on normal people in my life. Those are usually different though, because it's more emotional or intellectual than just a passing attraction to some hot consulting detective ;P Usually if I have a crush on someone that I actually interact with it's not solely because I find them physically attractive, unlike celebrities, which is why I find it so much more overwhelming! I over think it all the time and end up feeling horrible and depressed about life.

Until recently I've never been in a situation where something could happen between me and a guy I like. I'd liked him for a while and thought we'd probably make out or something, but then once I was actually in the situation it's like a switch flipped and everything turned off. When I'm not around him or I'm with him and other friends, I'm attracted to him. I have great conversations with him and we really connect emotionally and intellectually, but once I'm in a situation that might lead to even just kissing, I'm just like nope, not feeling it right now. It's incredibly frustrating because it repeats as well!

[Cristalake]

I've never experienced sexual attraction to a person before but... this might turn into the realm of TMI (especially for the males in the galley so beware) I have felt libidinous, mostly in my early adolescence. I figure it's what every female goes through when they're ovulating, right? I'm not the only one whose felt the sudden influx of hormones from bum-fuck nowhere that make your body try to fool you into believing that you want sex right NOW, all the time and that if you don't get it ASAP you might implode, right? Thankfully it only lasts a few days and it's not always so strong, but yeah... I was and am still pretty darned relieved when it stops. I enjoy being able to think and function without being in a sex-crazed haze of lust directed at the ether so escaping the temporary insanity from being "in heat", as I like to call it, is nothing less than a relief. I honestly don't think I'd choose to be anything but asexual even if I could, even with the fact that it makes relationships much harder to build.

[Dahlia Blues]

I wouldn't say being grey-a is FRUSTRATING...it's a bit more along the lines of confusing.

Arousal, what are you?

I like to see people happy. I like to give when I can to make expansiveness and generosity feel concrete. I get off on giving and watching people respond as if enchanted. On occasion, I am even prepared to forgo frontal conflict in order to give people what they want /expect, or what I think they need.

But the fluctuations in arousal confuse me ....I am confused about how my body may behave even when there is no desire except my typical cerebral curiosity ....a laying ambush to myself, an attempt at observing myself in controlled conditions. As if I were gathering information or preparing a report. And there is this script that I seem to follow : "now I should do this, now it's time to do this, next step is this, this is what is expected now"...following a recipe. Or a dare. Daring myself to do such and so and watching the other respond. The sex negative thoughts and sex positive acts performed almost concomitant. A form of cognitive dissonance. A schism I am now confessionally aware of....When did it get to be so "unnatural"? How long ago? Have I always been like this? Yearning for closeness without yearning for sexual expression of It. I don't remember specifically my feelings towards my partners. I only remember their complaints, a certain skittishness as I practiced avoidance, and my attempts to talk to a select few about my disinterest. The first talk long ago, a dismissive embarrassing one with a female relative.

Strangely, arousal is existant. Pleasure is existant....im in good working condition...its all mechanical, and it doesn't seem to be mine. It does not belong to me. Or rather my pleasure is derived mostly from something external to the sexual act: pride in my personal successes for example ( oh I have had an orgasm too; I can do a BJ) or seeing someone else happy. But mostly, I am somewhere else. My mind and spirit often somewhere else, next to the responsive body. I often think "in-loud" through bouts of vague attendance. Distracted? Disinterested? Fluctuations in attention? Always worried to a sense of discomfort about the distance between my sensual needs and someone else's apparent sexual ones. Then there is the guilt at arousing someone and then dutifully resolving my guilt by fucking. Either because my body needs little prompting even if "I" don't

crave it. Or because I can willfully engage even when there is no arousal. How are these fluctuations possible? Have I trained myself for all of these years to be socially acceptable? To make my way in an adult world where affection is meted out sexually. Why is there no conflagration between my arousal and a profound spirited desire for abandon. The sort of no holds abandon I may feel just kissing. Why do arousal and anxiety go hand in hand. Why is there no joy? Why no excitement? Where is the relief? The release? The fulfillment? Why do I close myself up, disappointed, once intimacy takes that confounding shape. And always this nagging sensation that I am not being fair to myself. But behaving as I am perceived. Why can't I be like other woman? Or what I assume other women must be experiencing as the central part of their existence. Something that they crave when they miss it. What regret are they expressing when they say that they haven't been laid in weeks.... Am I part mutilated? Part handicapped? Part artificial intelligence? Why do I feel robbed? Has something been destroyed or has it always been so acute....my ambivalence about the idea that the way to a mans heart was between his legs. I have heard that I am a beautiful young woman, that I should be capitalizing, that I should be collecting attentions, swaddling myself in them: instead I more and more avoid men and their persistent gaze, sheltering myself behind style and multiple cosmetic props. Usually wondering about a book I want to read, a gallery I want to visit, a play or concert to book or a task needing doing....There are times when I feel at ease...Others when I feel dysfunctional to tears.

[Someone Else]

Thinking about what Isilde said, I've often wondered if for some, it's possible to make love, and enjoy it for reasons that are not dependent at all on the usual sexual lusts and desires. A sort of "making love" with the physical act, but without the normal sexual lust. But... I don't know from any of my own experiences.

[Praxis]

despite my being demisexual I actually have a fairly normal (if not high) sex drive, and if I'm in a relationship with someone where there's sex.... it's basically like I'm a straight heterosexual again hahaha

it's overwhelming in the sense that because of my sexuality (or lack thereof) I have a tendency to become sexually frustrated given the lack of potential partners I can comfortably express it with (and lemme tell you... saturday afternoons alone on the computer only do so much if you know what I mean hahaha)

once in a while my drive will be overwhelming enough that I have to question my own gray-asexuality after responding in the positive to someone soliciting me for sex, it's usually a week of "oh lord am I still asexual/demisexual? does this mean I was straight the entire time? what? what? oh god!" followed by months of "nah my libido was just ridiculous that weekend.... I'm fine" XDD

This is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I'll question whether I'm even gray-asexual at all because I like/desire sex as much as the next non-asexual and do get frustrated, but I'm here because I have found a grand total of two people sexually attractive.

I can definitely relate to this. The people I feel attraction to are few and far between, but when it's there... it's almost all I can think about. My problem has been that more often than not, the people I experience that attraction to do not feel it back and want to be friends. I am incapable of friendship with them, though because of the attraction and it sucks. I want it to just go away. It throws me for such a loop because then I think I want sex all the time. I'll flirt and come onto other people, but as soon as they do something back, I panic inside.

[No Fate]

As I have little experience, I don't know for sure, but I reckon the "overwhelming" sensation is what is usually referred to as "falling in love". I think it is similarly overwhelming for normal sexuals. "Sexual attraction", however, can happen without this feeling and is much less spectacular, but still powerful.

I have had the "overwhelming" sensation for the first time last year (at 22), but have experienced normal attraction for years before that. And never acted on it.

So, maybe, Gray-As can't experience the latter without the former, which to my understanding is the essence of the "primary vs secondary attraction" model of Gray-A.