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Can you be asexual and not know it? (35 year old virgin)


DayTripperYeah

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DayTripperYeah

& Never been kissed.

The double whammy.

I've come and gone from some Virgin support groups due to the jerks that post on them.

All my life all I ever wanted was my Soulmate: Capital letters, underlines, and stars.

I've done the personals and I'm still doing them with terrible results.

Rather than bore everyone with my life story: I'll just share my

most recent experience. I found on the personals in the beginning of May whom I thought was a nice guy. (turns out he's a never been kissed, virgin too, except he's twenty-eight). Anyway, I thought: Ooh! Common ground this guy HAS to be the ONE!! **The One**. Whatever the f*** (I don't know if we can swear here so I'll star it out) that means. We share emails that's where I found out about his status. And then we had The Talk On The Phone. He wanted to meet me. Then the next day there was no phone call from him. I'm no longer 21 anymore. I'm almost 40 for Pete's sake. So, I leave a message for him. I should backtrack here: Sorry. We didn't exactly exchange phone numbers in the normal way. He didn't write back earlier on and I looked up his phone number on anywho.com, one friend (female, younger than me) told me NOT to, the other friend (male, younger than me, but older than my friend and married) told me to go for it. But I was tense and left a terrible phone message. I called twice to do it over. I got an email from him the next day saying his Grandmother died, so naturally I felt terrible. He told me to relax, we'll email, talk on the phone, and go on a few dates. Now back to where I left off--Friday night, there was no phone call. So after watching TV, I found a letter from him in my inbox saying "bad news" in the subject line. He didn't want to date me after all. I was crushed. Well, I thought it was MY MISSION to get him out of his shell! He wouldn't answer his phone and then complained later on that I used up all of his tape. He has one of those old fashioned answering machines that hold a nano second of information per message. I was going to go to him in person to work this through, but I don't drive, and was going to ask a relative to help me, but he told me if I did that, he would just stand me up.

He used politics as an excuse on why we couldn't be together, the fact that I still live with my Dad, (bad financial decisions is why that is), and that he didn't like my nervous giggle voice on the phone! I always talk like that. That's my voice. He also told me he was going to send my pictures back. I didn't have any good cyber ones so I sent him them through old-fashioned snail-mail. He said he would return them.

I wound up buying HIM flowers in a last ditch effort that he would want to be with me. I told him, I don't want to fight. Let's be friends. So he said I could call him if I wanted on that Sunday, because he LOST my number. So after waiting for him to get off the phone with his Mother (it was Mother's Day weekend), we finally talked a bit, and that was the last I heard from him. Until my birthday--he sent me an e-card and actually said "so you can get a greeting from someone else other than your family". (not verbatim). Some of my pals were livid over that one. One good thing came out of it a girl I lost touch with, lives in the same city as he does and we started talking again. She absolutely hated this man's excuses for not wanting to persue a relationship with me.

Me and this guy exchanged one or two recent emails. He said he keeps forgetting to mail back my pictures (I think I have copies, but that's besides the point) and when I asked him how his big job interview went, he didn't write back.

So my question for the group is--can you be an asexual person and not know it? Maybe God is trying to tell me something. I have terrible luck in finding that "special someone" and at age 35 maybe it's time to face facts. I'm attracted to people (99% of the time guys) but there were two friends (no longer in my life) who were female that I thought, maybe I'm bi, but I don't think I am. I just want someone to love me.

I'm 35 years old, a virgin, never been kissed, etc...and everyday it gets harder to cope. I work in a part time job setting up appointments for my companies reps and I'd like to take the civil service test so I better the career part of my life.

I want to be a parent, but I doubt it's ever going to be in the cards. I know I don't need a man to make that happen, but I don't have the money needed to support a child, which is another reason, I don't go to the nearest bar and surrender. I could never bring a child into the world under those circumstances.

I'll close with a doozy from earlier this week. In the personals another guy wrote me, he said, "You don't seem real", (based on my ad) I said I was. He said, "Write back soon", I wrote back soon, I haven't heard from him since.

Today I got email notification that I have a reply from one of my ads and I haven't read it yet, because I'm beginning to not care anymore.

I'm sorry for being so long winded.

If anyone can give any advice, I'd appreciate it.

Thank you.

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Holy Moly, I'm the first to welcome somebody? WELCOME, DayTripperYeah!

Lemme roll out a banquet table with cake and borscht and tea and pickles and haggis.

35 is NOT almost 40 (at least I hope so.)

I can't relate, somewhat to your difficult situation. But I have never gone through the personals. I've always gone the other direction (you might also) of getting into social situations and see if a friendship can become a soulmateship.

(However, I haven't succeeded, there, either.) But at least that way you don't have to deal with misunderstanding or closeminded sexuals.

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Hello and welcome.

I'm sorry I can't give any advice. But there are quite a few people around here who struggle to find the relationship they want.

As for your question, the definition is not precise, and I think it is possible for people not realise what it is the want and don't, i.e. for people to go with the flow and not realise they can identify more closely as asexual if they want.

So really only you tell say whether your asexual. It's a label not what/who you are.

Anyway, have some welcome :cake:

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I think there are a lot of people who "know something is wrong" but don't have a name for it until they happen across an article or something. The Welcome forum is full of people going "WOW!! I'm not the only one!!!"

There are a lot of different people's definitions of "asexual" floating about - none of them are wrong. For me, I have never been actually attracted to anyone that way in 25 years of being alive, so I am pretty comfortable with the word. Some people find themselves attracted to people, but not sexually. Maybe this definition would suit you, who knows.

I think ultimately it's up to each person to decide if they are comfortable being called "asexual" or not. If I were you I'd read the FAQs, and the posts (and of course join in!) and see what comes of it.

Whatever you decide, AVEN is a very open and friendly place, and you'll have no problem fitting in I should think.

As it's traditional, have some cake :cake: :)

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DayTripperYeah

I know the idea of sex scares the hell out of me. But I can never seem to get anyone who wants to take it to the next step with me. I've had terrible luck in all kinds of relationships. Some things I can say were my fault, others not, and some both of the people involved.

I was pretty down last night. Yesterday I took a tumble, literally, I tripped over a parking concrete block and fell on my face and am slightly bruised.

I try to go with the flow and remain as upbeat as I can. But rejection in any and all forms gets to me.

Thanks for the welcomes and the cake!

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For years before I knew I was asexual (or as near to that as I can define myself and not liking labels) I did the personals like you. One time they were lesbian personals, then back to hetero personals and then... well, nothing ever came of any of them except one woman I met who wanted to get me into bed (I'm female) and I ran a mile. The outcome of all this is that one day I met a man about 50 yards from my house, walking his dog, when I waswalking my dog...and little by little we became friends and little by little we became more than friends, and although technically I am still a virgin, we have now been together almost 10 years. Moral of the story is, if you keep looking so hard, you never find it, and then one day when you are just minding your own business, there is someone for you.

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DayTripperYeah
For years before I knew I was asexual (or as near to that as I can define myself and not liking labels) I did the personals like you. One time they were lesbian personals

I hate labels too. We get them from the time we're born. "Oh, it's a girl? What about the boy you always wanted?" Not a personal example just one I hear in real life and on fictional tv shows all the time.

Then it could be your race, religion, lack of religion. Live with your parents? Do you drive? Do you vote? People smack us with labels our whole lives. I don't like that myself.

The reason I quoted the lesbian comments is because I was thinking of that. But you are right about trying too hard. I still didn't check that message from yesterday.

You know what would be nice? Just meeting a nice guy to have lunch with! That'd be a dream come true.

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Hey there Day Tripper...and welcome!!!

I'm 48 and divorced; married for a brief 5 years. The rest of the time I have had nothing you could really consider a relationship.....the longest is one I'm in now, where the guy is celibate, and doesn't touch me because, he says, it will lead to a place he doesn't want to go.

I have tried fix-ups, personals, blind dates....granted, it was usually a half hearted response to friends' suggestioins, or some internal voice telling me I really ought to 'get out there' and not just give up.

I have found that one can try too hard to make a relationship work, and all you get is a relationship based on one person working harder than the other; otherwise, the relationship would not have happened.

It sounds like you tried really hard to make that 'relationship' go somewhere, when the guy just wasn't participating. I think that there are two reasons not to do that. One I just mentioned.....you deserve someone who is willing to put in some effort, and two, to many people, someone who is willing to go all out before they have a good reason to do so...seems desperate and maybe kind of scary.

But I haven't learned much beyond this; I don't know if asexuality is to blame, but there are some people (and I think I'm one of them) who just doesn't 'get' all the logistics of a relationship. Some people call it emotional IQ, some call it a game......lots of people believe that you should just be yourself and it will happen. After awhile though, it's easy to believe that your self is just not working!

Good luck! Being alone without a significant other allows you time and emotional energy to experience more of the world and the people you meet. So in the meantime....I hope you can enjoy!

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Hi. I'm thylacine, and first, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING 40, OKAY??? :!: I am forty and I am beautiful, physically fit, and get carded a lot still (well, maybe not as often as when I was 39!)... Age is nothing but a number. The thing is 1. Are you a good person? 2. Then if you are a good person then you are okay, forty or not, sexual or asexual, virgin or not!!! Got that? And you should listen to me, since I am older and wiser!

Now, here is my story, which I shall sum up briefly. When I was young (in the age of big cars and disco and bad Farrah hair) suddenly everyone was totally insane over boys. I am like, what? What the hell is wrong with everyone? So what? What's so special about boys? And for sure I am not a lesbo either. I do not own one pair of Birkenstocks! Nor do I wear my hair in a buzz cut (okay, sorry for the stereotyping). I just do not have the "longing" that people have, I do not experience a "need." I know other women who even say they feel a "need" to have their bodies pregnant. Then they get pregnant and hate it for nine months. These are the ones who end up with ten kids and no life. I no others who go from man to man, each times saying, "He is the ONE." And they last 2 weeks together before the process starts again... In brief, I feel inner peace like a combination between Mr. Spock and a Buddhist monk, while all my friends & associates are having sex every night and miserable in their relationships because "he won't commit!" or "he is abusive!" or "he's seeing my best friend!" But somehow, since I am single, everyone in my life (and it's my life, people!) thinks I am the one with the big prob. Everyone is always threatening to fix me up. "You would really love Sly. He just got out of the mental hospital and wants to meet someone. I met him at the halfway program." I did not make that one up, kids! I keep trying to convince people I am content with my life the way it is (I'd like more vacation time, though. And a Porsche with the top down... ) I tell people I feel complete as a person and no one f-cking believes me!!! (Sometimes I really wanna smack 'em!) They are always like, "Oh, but you need someone." These are the same ones in bad relationships...

So, I found this website after reading about it somewhere and this is the only place I can really discuss that sort of stuff. You guys believe me, for God sakes! And you don't tell me something is wrong and you don't try to change me!!! (God, do you know how good that is, to have people, even online, who you can discuss stuff & they do not try & change you?) And how arrogant is it to try and change someone "for their own good" thinking you know better than that person what is good for them? They will never realize the hurt they cause in my life by trying to fix me up, for my own good. This sends a message that they feel I am not good enough as a person the way I am. When you try & change someone, you are in effect telling them they are no damn good the way they are...

Anyway, you may be asexual, or you may not be... I cannot judge that since I cannot see inside your head. But maybe you are not since you are continually actively pursuing relationships? You seem to be wanting to be with someone, right? So is this wanting to be with someone physically, or emotionally & spiritually? Remember, they are two different things. Many people are with someone physically, but take the sex away and there is no feeling other than that and no bond other than sex -- so keep that in mind, okay? So, do you just want sex, or do you want companionship (i.e. that sappy thing called "love?") Sure, we all want love, but I am pretty damn certain I am asexual since I do not experience the all powerful lust others have in their bodies, so I accept that most people would not be happy with someone like me. Being single has allowed me to do a lot in life: I have gotten 3 college degrees, restored a classic car, traveled a lot, got fiction published. I have no kids & can go anywhere / do anything I want. Do you really want to be so tied down? I am not self-centered, but as I go through life I become cynical and sadly realize that most other people in fact are self-centered. I hate to tell yah this, but sadly I have found that most people, men and women alike, are out to use others either for sex or money or security or as a status symbol. Many women just have men they really cannot stand just to "be with someone" since society judges women as losers if they are single.

Society is real down on single women -- search your heart, whoever you are... is this the reason for wanting to be with someone. Or are you looking for real love? This is not be sound like a jerk, but I wish my friends would think before getting involved. They just jump into things with no thought and get hurt. I used to not understand until I figured out I must be asexual, and they (like most people) are sexual and their bodies are driving them to over ride common sense... !

I hope no one reading this thinks I am a jerk. Maybe I sound that way, but that's how I have seen the world in my 41 years on this planet. I am well educated, but with as many degrees as I get, I will never understand why people keep on hurting people. This is the reality I see, so in some way I am thankful to be asexual. My own wish is that there were more people like me in the world to talk to, so I would not have to use a computer to communicate with them all... It would be nice to hang out with people who did not either try to fix me up or jump my backk...

Well, whatever happens in your life, good luck and I hope you don't get hurt.

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Oh, and one more thing...

Quote: I'm 35 years old, a virgin, never been kissed, etc...and everyday it gets harder to cope. I work in a part time job setting up appointments for my companies reps and I'd like to take the civil service test so I better the career part of my life.

There is nothing wrong with your physical "condition" -- it's what's inside that counts. There are other people in this world like that, maybe more than you think, but will not say so since society doesn't approve of anyone being a virgin beyond age 17, and...

I wish you good luck on the civil service test and your career. Do not be afraid to try to better yourself. You are never too old to make a career change. If you want to try for college, do that too. Go for it. Better to make a career for yourself than wait for Prince Charming to rescue you!!! Go for it, girl! Maybe your local library has books to help prepare for the test, and practice for it and maybe you will do well. Keep us informed -- if you do it I'll cheer for you. I'll even say a prayer -- We are thousands of miles apart, maybe, and will never meet -- but some part of me cares about the person that you are -- and I really do wish you well.

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Hi and welcome.

Have some more :cake:

Many here are looking for the one.

you are not alone in your feelings.

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VivreEstEsperer

Hi DayTripper, Welcome to AVEN!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It sounds very difficult! I can't offer you any advice except to know that you are not alone and that we all share those struggles.

And I LOVE your screenname, Beatles fan are ya? :)

Kate

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Schala Zeal

Welcome to AVEN.

Know that you need not despair over a condition because others think it isn't right. If you feel it's right for you yourself, then why should you care about what others think of it?

I'm 22 and virgin, I did kiss before but it just felt wrong and so I don't consider it as something even remotely important in my life.

Add to that wrong gender and being a loner and you get what I am (on the surface if anything). I have been stigmatized for some things, but now they don't affect me. God bless schizoid personality disorder or however they call it? lol. Really that was a test I took and even if it corners some of my personality traits, it's far from being a diagnosis to be relied on, or even remotely even a disease. I feel right about how I act, and this is all that matters, alone or not. And I won't let society tell me otherwise just because it's not 'normal'.

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hilbertastronaut

Welcome! :)

Sometimes it gets painful to be alone (in a romantic relationship sense), even for asexuals -- we understand in our own way a little bit of what you are going through. You don't have to be alone here. i know computer screens aren't very cuddly, but it helps to know that there are other people out there listening to you and empathizing, and doing their best to offer advice and encouragement. You are always welcome here.

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DayTripperYeah

I had a long reply written when my computer decided to freeze.

So, I don't want anyone to think I was ignoring them. I'll be back after work and see if I can type my replies again. :)

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DayTripperYeah

Typing this again. :)

Joyous56~I do try too hard. Esp. every year when the clock keeps ticking.

No one fixes me up. But yet relatives make comments and/or snicker.

The guy that I mentioned at length told me he felt I was a mirror image of him, because he acted the same way with his previous failed relationship. He's still a jerk though.

I've been alone enough to experience the world. I hate travelling alone. It's not about sex, it's about companionship.

thylacine~I hope I didn't offend with my opening remarks. There's nothing wrong with 40. I love 40. :) I'll look forward to being 40. It's the never been kissed/still a virgin 40, when you have cousins or other family members younger who don't have that stigma attached to them. That's what I was referring to.

And I know what you mean. A lot of people who give advice are in the most terrible relationships ever.

I don't know what I am. That's why I said, what if no one wants me ever, then might have to face facts, that I am not meant to have anyone.

Sex scares the shit out of me. I mean I'd like to make love at least once to say, I tried it, but I'd rather be a companion. I'd like a kiss, just once to say, I tried it. I really want a child.

That's great that you have a few books published. I'm a wanna-be author myself.

All of life has been spent on finding two people

either a)the best-girlfriend

and B) my male soulmate

and regarding best-girlfriends I have had more relationship troubles than

I have fingers. Some things were my fault, but not everything. But I'm learning and getting better.

Thanks! I appreciate it.

Thanks to everyone else for their welcomes and cake. :)

VivreEstEsperer--Yes. I am. :) Do you ever go to Beatle conventions? They're fun.

I guess what I want out of life--is good friends and the soulmate is still debatable....I don't know if it's ever going to happen.

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Its ok to be any age. Its ok to be who you are. There's nothing so freeing as knowing who you are. Welcome to Aven!

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Quote: thylacine~I hope I didn't offend with my opening remarks. There's nothing wrong with 40.

Nope, you did not offend me, honey. Chill, okay?

And I know what you mean. A lot of people who give advice are in the most terrible relationships ever.

Damn right!

I don't know what I am. That's why I said, what if no one wants me ever, then might have to face facts, that I am not meant to have anyone.

Hey, so what? Like there are a lot of unwanted people in this world. Think of all the unwanted children. You gotta want yourself, first.

Sex scares the shit out of me. I mean I'd like to make love at least once to say, I tried it, but I'd rather be a companion. I'd like a kiss, just once to say, I tried it. I really want a child.

Adopt one. Like I said, there are plenty of unwanted kids out there -- and puppies & kittens too! But first, you need a good job to support the kids and or pets.

That's great that you have a few books published. I'm a wanna-be author myself.

No, I just have short stories published. Still trying to get the book published!!! And if you want to write, then just do it. First you write a story, make sure it's good, proof read for all the spelling & grammar, then send it to multiple zines until someone accepts it -- always include a S.A.S.E. with it for your nice rejection slip! And the small magazines don't pay much -- I usually just end up with a free subscription.

Why don't you take classes or job training, and concentrate on your career? Maybe you'll meet people that way?

Myself -- all I want is a few friends who don't betray me! And a Ferrari (but I'd settle for a Camaro!) Sometimes the answer to life's problems is a cool car -- I wrote a story about that one! (It might be published over the summer -- I called it "When Cars Fix People" -- it's about this girl who is a geek until she gets a junked out old car & starts restoring it and learns to fix it and that's what gives her the courage to sign up for college -- it's a true story, too! It happened to me, & I still have the car. It's a Buick, though, not a Ferrari. My father used to call me "Daddy's little motorhead." My relatives hate that I like cars so much. It's not an appropriate past time for a lady!) I still want a Ferrari, though. :D

Bye for now. I can give advice anytime! (Maybe a sports car would make you happy??? It works for me.)

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DayTripperYeah

thylacine~I am chilled. :) It's not the number. It's the emptiness associated with the number. Like it's something I should've done already, even if it was only once.

>You gotta want yourself, first.

I do. But when people keep rejecting you it's very difficult.

Well, see that's where the good job comes in. I don't have the money to support a child properly.

But I'm going to start going through the want ads again after the holidays. (Memorial Day...U.S. on Monday). But I don't want to quit this job I'm currently in until I get another offer.

I'm so lazy regarding my writing. Not too long ago I went back to my story and yes it was a draft and drafts are supposed to suck, but this was so horrible it discouraged me. It's the story about a young man who grows up to be a fine actor who has family issues and meets the love of his life.

I will once I save the registration money for the civil service test. :)

"Daddy's little motorhead"...that's cute.

I can't drive it, but a VW Beetle would make me happy. ;) I love the "bug", it's awesome.

(old and new)

A-sexy Daimyo--Thanks for the cake! (no calories in cyber cake) ;)

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Hey daytripperyeah,

I'm a 35 year old virgin.We have some thing in common.So you went to those virgin online support groups too.Yes there are some jerks on those boards. Welcome to the board.

newgirl

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There... see!!! There are other people like you out there in this big world!!! YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE, GIRL! Now, remember, you may or may not find someone in life, but do not put pressure on yourself to find "fulfillment." Many people who are "in a relationship" are not fulfilled -- they stay in the relationship for convenience or lack of ambition to leave even when they are unhappy! So, you have to find things in your single life that make you happy -- if you meet someone, that is cool. If not, it can't be helped, okay! Deal with it, girl. Don't be down on yourself. Did yah take that job testing yet?

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Anachronous1

It hasn't worn off yet-every time I read something that I can relate to where I thought I was the only one just makes me feel more positive about myself and who I am. So first of all, I want to thank you DayTripper for sharing.

Are you looking for a sexual relationship with someone? I remember reading that you had partners that didn't want sex or something. I don't know, I was confused somewhere along the lines, after reading all those posts. Email me at brengordon@yahoo.com if you'd like to talk more; I'd like to get to know you better. :)

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Daytripper,

Thylacine has a very good point.I agree with her post 100%.Sex & being in a relationship is half not all.

Wow Daytripper you might have some luck with anachronou1.Check out his post.

Newgirl

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DayTripperYeah
Are you looking for a sexual relationship with someone?

Sounds like the opposite of Bill Clinton. ;)

I want a relationship. I want someone in my life. I learned that sex doesn't have to be all there is. Yet, I knew it wasn't. I just want to have a companion right now. Sex can come later. (No pun).

thylacine--Thanks for all your kind words. No, I didn't take the test yet. You have to pay for it. (Almost a thousand dollars) plus pay for your own transport and hotel costs to take the test in the "big city" so to speak.

newgirl-- I should talk to you in pm's.

anachronou1--See above. I'll talk to you soon. In the meantime have some :cake:

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Welcome DayTripperYeah have some :cake:

I don't know what to say. I'll try to draw on my own experience.

Unfortunately, life is a stingy b****. You have to fight her to get what you want. She can screw you really bad, and she did screw me. Besides, life is full of jerks and liers . The likelyhood of running into one of them is much higher than meeting an honest person.

You have to fight girl. If you lose, it is just one battle in a lifetime war.

Good luck.

:mrgreen:

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But somehow, since I am single, everyone in my life (and it's my life, people!) thinks I am the one with the big prob. Everyone is always threatening to fix me up. "You would really love Sly. He just got out of the mental hospital and wants to meet someone. I met him at the halfway program."

I can relate! One week, I spoke to an aging neighbour of mine who complained about her rude, irresponsible son who still lives with mom at age 42 (15 years older than I was at that stage, incidentally!). She even told me that doctors told her he got psychopath tendencies.

Two weeks later, she tells me what a pity it is that a “nice girl” like me is still single, and she can fix me up for a date with her son!

Thylacine, I can relate to your post in so many ways… I see so many people who are in relationships that are bad for them and like you I just could not understand it until I started to realize that most people just happen to have a need that I do not have- but I thought, for a long time, that something must be wrong with me for not having such a need in this sex-crazy world.

I remember the time years ago (I’m a 31-year old virgin now, I was 20 then) when I had to fill in a psychological interview for a job application. One question said: “How do you feel about your sexual needs?” My answer was: “I don’t think I have any sexual needs.” I wondered afterwards if that answer would be interpreted as either a] I’m a big liar or b] I am very abnormal.

I know now that I am abnormal, and that is not really a negative thing.. “Norm”, after all, means the usual way things/people are, being “normal” is to be like the usual, and to be “abnormal” is to be different from the usual. I am certainly, sexuality-wise, different from most people.

[This is my first post here.]

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hilbertastronaut
[This is my first post here.]

Won't you start your own thread in the Welcome Area, so we can get to know you and give you lots of welcomes and :cake: ?

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