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How do you approach shy people/how do shy people like to be approached?


alpacaterpillar

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alpacaterpillar

Okay, I'm quite shy around girls roughly the same age as me, and I've improved on this - I used to be much worse and my social confidence is considerably better than a couple of years ago - but I have a crush on this one girl who seems to be really really shy, or maybe just not interested in social interaction. She writes a lot of notes in tutorials/lectures, I've only seen her outside of classes at the library, and the one time I overheard her talking to her (what seems to be her only) friend, it was a discussion of the course material (though they were laughing a fair bit). But when she's walking around she just looks down all the time and avoids talking to people. In tutorials she tries to sit apart from everyone else (she once sat next to me, but there weren't any other spaces) and in lectures she sits far over by the wall, and far back by the door.

How do I talk to her? My last crush was also shy but not so much so, yet I only managed to ask her out by a letter handed to her after the last exam of that year. And I was feeling physically ill and nauseous during and after. I'd only ever managed to talk to her in a tinny, high-pitched voice while quaking uncontrollably and then after she responded to whatever I said I could only make the briefest excuse to end the conversation quickly. I have real fears of throwing up or passing out if I try to talk to my new crush (the latter has actually happened while leading a class discussion).

I can only think that maybe another letter might work (I am a much better writer than talker), especially considering that when my last crush turned me down she was really nice about it and complemented my writing ability. Problem is, this new girl barely knows me (we share a tutorial, that's about it) and, although she said her name in introductions and I've read it TWICE off the roll, I keep forgetting it (all I can remember is it begins with a P and has about three syllables, and her surname is really long and complicated and looks Polynesian, which surprised me because I thought she was Indian). And I can hardly write a letter to someone without writing their name, can I? I suppose maybe I could turn it into something romantic and/or apologetic, but that might be awkward. And I'm not sure she knows my name either (though if I handed it to her myself it should be fairly obvious, especially considering I'll probably be noticeably freaking out).

On top of that, I'm not comfortable with making my romantic intentions clear before actually getting to know her as an acquaintance, at least. Maybe if I speak up in tutorials, though there isn't much opportunity for that, and they're really irregular and not on often. I don't know what to do...

I hate this stupid boy-asks-girl-out thing...

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I suggest writing it all down in a letter and hand it to her ^^ Acctually works very good most of the times and you are able to say things which might not have been said during that terrifyin moment when you try to talk to her. Write down an email adress or something in the letter, or skype or whatever, so that you can talk to her online, good way to loosen up a bit.

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divided_sky

I agree, a letter is good. I'm very shy, and if a girl approached me out of the blue, I'd freeze up and would have no idea how to respond. A letter/email gives me to time to process everything they said and come up with a way to respond without sounding like a complete social moron.

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Arctic_Revenge

In my experience, letters don't work. Sorry to be contradictory.

I have received my fair share of them by guys, maybe since I am not unlike the girl you are describing,

and every time it was a signal that the guy knew I was way out of his league.

If I had to weigh in, as a female, the best way to break ice is to strike up a lengthy, but relaxed conversation about something you both have interest in. You have to make her interested in keeping you in her social circle.

Philosophy has been THE most successful in my book, followed by video games, and societal problems.

Now, you seem to have trouble with the conversation bit. You've got to find a way to relax, or else she's probably going to get weirded out.

Don't be the heavy-breathing-kid from Hey Arnold!

I hope this helps... I kind of feel like a bad guy writing something so down beat... x_x

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Touchofinsight

The best way is the classic way: Walk up to them and say hello, my name is X. From there you can find a topic or let the conversation come across naturally.

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In my experience, letters don't work. Sorry to be contradictory.

I have received my fair share of them by guys, maybe since I am not unlike the girl you are describing,

and every time it was a signal that the guy knew I was way out of his league.

If I had to weigh in, as a female, the best way to break ice is to strike up a lengthy, but relaxed conversation about something you both have interest in. You have to make her interested in keeping you in her social circle.

Philosophy has been THE most successful in my book, followed by video games, and societal problems.

Now, you seem to have trouble with the conversation bit. You've got to find a way to relax, or else she's probably going to get weirded out.

Don't be the heavy-breathing-kid from Hey Arnold!

I hope this helps... I kind of feel like a bad guy writing something so down beat... x_x

Strongly agree with this, especially the bolded part.

I'm definitely not an expert on things like this, but acting like you actually enjoy talking to her goes a long way. Most of my experience is kind of the reverse of your experience (me being quite shy and girls trying to talk to me), but the girls I ended up feeling comfortable around the quickest around were the ones who took interest in talking to me, seemed to enjoy listening to me talk about random stuff, laughed at my jokes, etc. Deep personal conversations, arguments, and direct expressions of interest were reserved until later.

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In my experience, letters don't work. Sorry to be contradictory.

I have received my fair share of them by guys, maybe since I am not unlike the girl you are describing,

and every time it was a signal that the guy knew I was way out of his league.

If I had to weigh in, as a female, the best way to break ice is to strike up a lengthy, but relaxed conversation about something you both have interest in. You have to make her interested in keeping you in her social circle.

Philosophy has been THE most successful in my book, followed by video games, and societal problems.

Now, you seem to have trouble with the conversation bit. You've got to find a way to relax, or else she's probably going to get weirded out.

Don't be the heavy-breathing-kid from Hey Arnold!

I hope this helps... I kind of feel like a bad guy writing something so down beat... x_x

I have only heard of good outcomes with letters, even had a good outcome when I gave a letter myself. But ofc the letter has to be written in a way that dont scare the person away >>

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alpacaterpillar

So experiences with love letters vary wildly. Such is life. :P

Arctic_Revenge and Messen: could you give a general description of the nature of letters you've given/received, and maybe the people involved?

Philosophy has been THE most successful in my book, followed by video games, and societal problems.

Just as well, those are some of my biggest interests. Even so, I'm still leaning towards a letter, because I think trying to give a good impression when I'm physically shaking yet otherwise immobile, wildly looking everywhere except at her, stuttering uncontrollably and demonstrating a sort of verbal dyslexia is going to be... hard. My last crush I couldn't approach for about three years, and even then only a letter broke through. Even after that I couldn't start a friendly conversation. This crush I have about half a semester before the course ends, and I see her much less regularly.

I do think that, in a letter, I could explain being shy much more effectively, and it might help her relate to me, as well as introduce myself and maybe some of my interests.

Could one argue that, regardless of whether by letter or conversation, if she was the 'right one' her response would most likely be positive and if she was not the right one her response would be negative? Then again, I refuse to believe in rules of dating, as they mostly seem to be assuming that both participants are absolute stereotypes of their respective sexes.

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Arctic_Revenge

Some of the letters were hand written. Short, "would you go out with me" numbers in the younger years, and longer e-mails as of late.

Some of them prattled on, flattering me and trying to not sound creepy. Others were more direct, "I am into this fetish too. We should talk over lunch."

or "You seem very nice and cool and smart. Dinner&Movie sometime?"

All of the guys were ugly, vapid, and socially awkward. Some of them were outright assholes who thought letters were a clever trick to snagging quiet girls.

They had awful penmanship and the gap between our IQs was apparent as the Grand Canyon.

That whole "watching you from afar" thing is really, really unsettling. Letters from people you hardly know, doubly so.

I mean, how would you feel if someone has been mooning over you for x amount of time, knows and notices SO much about you, and you hardly know each other? You go about your day as normal, then suddenly, BAM, a powerful, emotional, sincere letter of a almost complete stranger spilling their hearts out?

*Fleeeeeeeeeeeee*

Trust me, normal conversation is the best. Baby steps, not confession bombs.

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I'd say don't express romantic interest right away, at least not if you go the conversation route--I'm a shy person, and that would certainly terrify me. Sounds like you intend to get to know her first, so that's good.

Do you know other girls your age? It would be easier if you were comfortable talking to girls your age, and it might be easier if you start by trying to talk to girls you don't have a crush on. Just a suggestion. When I was in my mid-teens, I was also uncomfortable talking to boys my age. I gradually got more comfortable with it, and since then, some of my best friends have been guys.

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The letter I gave was kinda like (very short and weird now, but summing up what I said):

Hey! I have been noticing you for a while and you seem like a nice person ^^ Due to the fact that I dont know you very well, starting to talk could get kinda awkward, I dont rely on my articualte abilities meaning it could come off as wrong or just embarrassing. My name is blabla and I go in this class... Maybe you have seen me maybe you have not. All I want is really just to get to know you, dont have to be anything too serious :P If you dont mind talking you can answer this by sms or an email (that I give number/address to below). Hope I didnt take too much of your time!

My email (or something else) blabla@blubb.com.

My phonenumber: 93982348239047891273489723478190348209385093745

// Me

As you might see by this its not inviting to a date or implying that I want more than friendship, this makes the chances of getting an answer greater. If the letter would only have been "would you date me" atleast I would of taken that as a joke, but it also means the person have to have seen you and liked what he/she saw.

Edit: at least this kind of letter worked for me :P

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Stormharrier

I'll be honest here, the main question in my mind is: if you're too terrified to even talk to her, how do you expect a relationship to work? Will you suddenly lose all your nervousness if she says yes?

So I kind of think the first thing to do would be to actually talk to her, given that it sounds like she might not have a clue who you are. I would've suggested getting into the habit of catching her eye in the hallway and smiling or saying hello, but if she walks around with her head down that's not going to be much use. Maybe go up to her and say you've noticed she makes lots of notes, and ask if you could borrow them, or ask if she understood a particular part of the course and would she be able to explain it to you? And then, whatever her answer, thank her and introduce yourself before you leave. Then at least if you want to write a letter after that then she knows who you are, and you saying "you seem like a nice person" is plausible (provided she wasn't rude) cuz you've actually interacted with her.

As for finding the courage to do it... I used to be really shy and nervous about new things (not quite to your extent, but not far off sometimes), but it helped if I ran through what was going to happen (or what was likely to happen) in my head beforehand so I knew what to expect. Also, I'd try and think up the realistic worst case scenario, and then would usually realise that it wasn't that bad (note the word 'realistic', i.e not the "I might trip over my shoelaces, fall into her, knock her down a set of stairs, and break her leg" kind of worst case, cuz that's extremely unlikely to happen. Especially if you make sure you're not standing at the top of a flight of stairs when you talk to her). So I mean, worst case in your scenario is she says no, right? Which leaves you in exactly the same position you are now, but without you worrying about asking her any more. What's so terrible about that?

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divided_sky

Maybe more extroverted people would find a letter strange. In my experiences with other shy people, they tend to be much more open to slightly non traditional ways of socializing. For some people it is incredibly fucking hard to just go up and start chatting with another person. I think extroverts, or people who don't have confidence issues, can find it difficult to understand just how daunting a task it is. Hell, I can barely talk to people I already know sometimes.

If I were to try to approach a girl, I would stutter and fumble over every word and be essentially unable to formulate a thought. I'd rather take my chances looking like a weirdo and writing to them than the disaster that would be me attempting to speak.

All of the guys were ugly, vapid, and socially awkward. Some of them were outright assholes who thought letters were a clever trick to snagging quiet girls.

They had awful penmanship and the gap between our IQs was apparent as the Grand Canyon.

What does penmanship have to do with anything? Is he an idiot if he writes sloppily?

Some of you are missing the point here. Pete didn't say he was going to declare his undying love for this girl or that he's been staring at her all damn day for months.

On top of that, I'm not comfortable with making my romantic intentions clear before actually getting to know her as an acquaintance, at least. Maybe if I speak up in tutorials, though there isn't much opportunity for that, and they're really irregular and not on often. I don't know what to do...

Besides, if someone is going to spaz out about getting a harmless letter, it's probably best to avoid them anyway. Some people are just socially awkward. If a girl is going to judge you to be a total creep/loser because of that, well screw her.

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sound_the_bugle

I understand this. When I have a crush on someone, I find it almost impossible to talk to them or around them. If I have a friendly relationship with them beforehand, that helps a lot. Since it sounds like she's just as shy as you are, I would try to talk to her online first. Don't tell her everything at once - that's kind of terrifying. Just say, "Hey, I'm so-and-so, and I've had you in a few classes. I don't know you, not really, but I'd really like to talk to you some." Just leave it at that or something similar, and that gives her a chance to respond or not if she so chooses. You haven't indicated your crush on her, which might scare her, but you haven't said you're not interested at all. In my experience, people like that sort of message. If you've heard of (college name) Compliments, I run a similar thing for my own high school, and those are the kind of messages (without the "I'm so-and-so" because it's anonymous) that people most appreciate.

She might not want to talk to you, and you'll have to accept that. Don't let fear of rejection stop you from trying at all!

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Guest Scarlet Spider

Okay, I'm quite shy around girls roughly the same age as me, and I've improved on this - I used to be much worse and my social confidence is considerably better than a couple of years ago - but I have a crush on this one girl who seems to be really really shy, or maybe just not interested in social interaction. She writes a lot of notes in tutorials/lectures, I've only seen her outside of classes at the library, and the one time I overheard her talking to her (what seems to be her only) friend, it was a discussion of the course material (though they were laughing a fair bit). But when she's walking around she just looks down all the time and avoids talking to people. In tutorials she tries to sit apart from everyone else (she once sat next to me, but there weren't any other spaces) and in lectures she sits far over by the wall, and far back by the door.

In many cases people who do that are just very uncomfortable/shy/insecure. I don't necessarily do that but sometimes i do. I'm definitely not as shy as i used to be, but i'm also in college now rather than high school so a lot has changed. Honestly, if she does that then you have a much better chance to talk to her than you realize. It's not that she doesn't want social interaction with people, but maybe that like you said she's just shy and keeps to herself. I'm sure she'd love to talk to another person, and if you two already know each other (even just a bit) then break the ice and when you walk by her by smiling and saying 'hi'. All you need is to have confidence. That is something only you can find for yourself though. I can give you the best advise in the world, but true confidence is something you have within yourself, you just have to use it. I'm sure when the time is right you'll do fine. Don't let the fear overcome you, don't let it hold you back from what you want. If you really like her then the least you can do is find the courage within yourself to make an effort. Know what i mean. I'll be rooting for you.

How do I talk to her? My last crush was also shy but not so much so, yet I only managed to ask her out by a letter handed to her after the last exam of that year. And I was feeling physically ill and nauseous during and after. I'd only ever managed to talk to her in a tinny, high-pitched voice while quaking uncontrollably and then after she responded to whatever I said I could only make the briefest excuse to end the conversation quickly. I have real fears of throwing up or passing out if I try to talk to my new crush (the latter has actually happened while leading a class discussion).

Just say hi. Start a friendly and open conversation when you're near her. Also, i'll give you some advise. The more you talk to women the easier it is to eventually develop true self confidence. I've never asked a woman out until i met a someone. We started talking and eventually flirting with one another, so one night (after weeks of planning) i walked her to her car and asked her out and then she said yes. I'm not saying you can't write a letter or whatever asking her out, but women usually like it more when you ask them face to face, it shows them that you're confident. When you're ready you'll know what to say and how to say it. Don't be discouraged.

I can only think that maybe another letter might work (I am a much better writer than talker), especially considering that when my last crush turned me down she was really nice about it and complemented my writing ability. Problem is, this new girl barely knows me (we share a tutorial, that's about it) and, although she said her name in introductions and I've read it TWICE off the roll, I keep forgetting it (all I can remember is it begins with a P and has about three syllables, and her surname is really long and complicated and looks Polynesian, which surprised me because I thought she was Indian). And I can hardly write a letter to someone without writing their name, can I? I suppose maybe I could turn it into something romantic and/or apologetic, but that might be awkward. And I'm not sure she knows my name either (though if I handed it to her myself it should be fairly obvious, especially considering I'll probably be noticeably freaking out).

lol no.

However, if you REALLY think it won't work out face to face then chances are you're already setting yourself up for a fall. No offence, but writing love letters is sorta the middle school approach to asking a woman out. I'm not saying you can't but just don't expect the best results. Then again, that also depends on how old you both are. Just because she is shy and so are you doesn't mean you can't change the way you approach her. Instead, do things differently this time. Tbh it might end better for you if you take a different approach. Again, that's all just my take on it. Once you overcome your fear of talking to her then it'll be a piece of cake. The moment you two open up to each other is the moment your chances improve. I wouldn't suggest doing it the first time you talk to her, but rather just start talking to her and give it some time. Then when you see each other every day after that you'll be inclined to talk more and more a little bit each day, and then after about a week or so if you're feeling pretty confident then you can ask her. Even if she says no then don't be upset or disappointed. I know a woman who just turned down someone else recently and he suddenly unfriended her on Facebook. I knew all that time he liked her and then when he asked apparently she turned him down. But only because she isn't interested in dating and she had too much going on in her own personal life. Basically learn more about her and get to know her first before taking such a chance. In other words, so you know why she'd say no if she did, rather than the obvious reason which is her not liking you or something. Other than that you still stand a good chance of making this happen, don't let my words worry or confuse you in any way.

Also, don't take my advise because you think it's right. Take it if you FEEL that it'll be of good use to you.

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I'd say the best way to open up a casual conversation, whether in person or in writing, would be to mention something about the class you have together.

I know it's awkward to try and have a conversation with someone you don't know, or with someone that just randomly comes up to you, but I noticed that I (and some other quieter people) relax more easily when the topic of conversation seems to be relevant or have a purpose at first.

Whether it's just having a question/comment about the class or an assignment you have in there. Having a relevant conversation for first contact helps get rid of the "stranger-effect" pretty easily from my experience and allows following conversations to be less awkward, or for topics to vary.

Just my two cents. :)

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As someone who is quite shy, I have to agree with most of the comments. If your going to talk to this girl, definitely start with a question or a comment or something about the class you guys have together. I think if you just walk up to her and ask her out, you'll probably scare her off (I know it would definitely scare me off if someone did that) but if the conversation is about your class I think it would make her relax a lot. It seems to me that she's just shy too and would probably like you having a casual conversation with her (The way you describe her is basically me to a tee, and its' not that I personally don't want to talk and meet new people I'm just shy, so I think she probably is too).

However if you're too nervous to actually talk to her then just a quick letter would be sweet, I think. Nothing too intense, like don't hit on her or anything in it, just explain your really nervous meeting new people and she seems nice, give an email address kind of thing. If someone gave me a letter, I'd be okay with it, mostly because I've had numerous occasions where I didn't approach someone because I was too nervous and subsequently never actually got to know them. So I think talking to her face to face is better but if you're really not comfortable with it, then by all means, send her a letter. It's better than spending the next six months wondering what if?
Good luck!

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Kitty Spoon Train

I don't think it's possible to approach me with any kind of "targeted intentions" and not freak me out. The sheer act of being hit on freaks me out, regardless of who's doing it.

The only way that's safe to get to know me is for it to start entirely passively. Preferably in writing rather than any kind of real-time conversation. :lol:

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I don't think it's possible to approach me with any kind of "targeted intentions" and not freak me out. The sheer act of being hit on freaks me out, regardless of who's doing it.

The only way that's safe to get to know me is for it to start entirely passively. Preferably in writing rather than any kind of real-time conversation. :lol:

This. If a guy approaches me with the intention of romantic interest... I don't like it, at all. They don't know _me_, just some vague things they saw about me (mainly looks) so it automatically makes me uncomfortable. Now, if I sit next to someone and they strike up a conversation just like they would _anyone else_ well ok then, I will shyly respond and be no more uncomfortable than any stranger talking to me makes me.

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alpacaterpillar

Thanks everyone. Maybe I will try talking to her. On Friday I was planning to ask her about how she did on the test on Thursday, and I didn't talk to her at the library, I didn't sit next to her in the tutorial, and I didn't talk to her walking down the stairs or at the traffic lights. So I feel bad about that. But she probably knows who I am, since she's looked at me a few times in tutorials, and I'm quite unusual looking (small beard and maroon suit jacket every day). I grew the beard to feel like there's a reason why everyone always looks at me (I think it's either my expression or the way I walk).

Now I come to think of it, in lectures people always try to put at least two empty seats between me and them, and if the train is overcrowded the seat next to me is the last one to be filled. So I don't think I give off a good vibe. However in my last two years of school I spoke up a lot in class and suddenly seemed to gain a great deal of respect (I was trying to work up the nerve to talk to my crush at the time). A lesbian friend of mine told me she thought I was pretty confident, though I don't ever really feel confident. I also got a slight impression that some girls liked me. So maybe I should try and be more helpful in tutorials.

Maybe a girl might find it cute if a guy who comes across as confident and intelligent suddenly gets all nervous when he talks to her?

As the majority of people in my lectures/tutorials are girls (I think arts must be more popular for women), I do talk to a lot of girls in tutorials, however I never see them around campus. At high school in my last year or so I did make some female friends but I was never close to any of them. I feel much more confident around girls than I used to but I think maybe the actual issue is the idea that by simply talking to a girl I like something massively life-changing could happen. Also, the idea that I could actually be emotionally close to someone, and it could be her (I don't really relate to anyone much. Though I can relate to people on this site better than most).

if you're too nervous to actually talk to her then just a quick letter would be sweet, I think. Nothing too intense, like don't hit on her or anything in it, just explain your really nervous meeting new people and she seems nice, give an email address kind of thing.

I like this idea, might go along with it. I'll see how things go next week (since after that it'll probably be weird asking her about the test so long after it) before I try writing a letter. I assume I should just hand it to her? I have no idea if she has a locker or not (probably not since she doesn't seem to carry much) and I think trying to slip it in her bag is probably outright creepy.

Also, I forgot to mention, that once she and I caught the same train home. That could provide a good excuse for talking, but probably only if we'd already introduced ourselves to each other. However it hasn't happened since (the same time the next week she went into the computer labs), and there's always the possibility of differing timetables or her getting on a different carriage.

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Yeah, don't send a letter. Nothing comes across as more beta and creepy than a guy I hardly know "pouring his feelings" into a lengthly letter to me. Shy girls DO NOT like to be put on the spot, and if you send her a letter "confessing your love" It makes her feel like she has to do something about it. Chances are you will be guilt tripping and making her feel incredibly awkward, killing whatever possible feelings she had for you in the beginning. You will never get a girl to like you by acting like a sycophant, never ever.

The way to get a shy girl to like you is to make her comfortable around you while also being intrigued by you. Be friendly and approachable, without telling her everything about you all at once. Girl crushes thrive on a little mystery. Make her feel good about herself when she is around you. Don't tell her how great she is, flattery will get you no where. Subtly show her that she is important to you, and that the things she thinks about matter to you.

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Pete, I can relatge to a lot fo what you said. A lot of people don't seem to realize how painfully difficult it is for some of us to approach people and try to talk to them. It's easy to say "just do it", but it isn't always that easy to do. I still have trouble approaching people (and it's been a few decades since I graduated from high school! :lol: ).

I hope you can find a way to start up a conversation with her, and hopefully a friendship as well. Best wishes!

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Since you see this girl quite often I guess its maybe more appropriate with just talking a little every now and then, starting with a Hi and then casual talk. The guy I lended my letter to...I didnt know who him at all, he wasnt even in my school. I only knew where he was working. So letter worked the best in that situation.

Well, I wish you good luck however you do :P

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Touchofinsight

Pete, I can relatge to a lot fo what you said. A lot of people don't seem to realize how painfully difficult it is for some of us to approach people and try to talk to them. It's easy to say "just do it", but it isn't always that easy to do. I still have trouble approaching people (and it's been a few decades since I graduated from high school! :lol: ).

I hope you can find a way to start up a conversation with her, and hopefully a friendship as well. Best wishes!

That is why it is the most effective way, because the best things in life are hard to do. It is more then just getting over your own irrational fears, it shows the person your talking to that your a confident and outgoing individual.That can go really far with your first meeting with someone. Most of the time it sucks being rejected, but in the light of eternity, big whoop it happens to all of us. So get in there and start that conversation.

Writing a letter to me is cute but at the same time it is so impersonal so while it does have some advantages I generally keep it as an option only for special occasions if I somehow came into some more detailed information about the intended receivers personality from a reliable third party or the individual themselves.

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Uhm...speaking as a shy girl...actually I'm probably the worst person to ask because I have no clue how I'm friends with the amazing people I'm friends with. I think it was really just persistence on their part and a common interest. Like seriously, my absolute bestest friend from college and I became friends because I had teachers' math and foundations in education with her best friend and me and that girl would have lunch together and then one night she invites me and my dearest friend, Baby Face (who was also in our math and education classes and he and I bonded over Sherlock Holmes, Phantom of the Opera, Glee, and Supernatural), to go bowling with her and my bestie (who will be refered to as Roomie because she was my roommate last semester) and the ninja (she's a black belt) and Kirby but the bowling ally was crowded so we went to walmart instead and bought hair dye and the next day we bleached Baby Face's hair and dyed parts of our hair purple and then we realized we had CMP together because of our dyed hair so we%2

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This is what happens when your school shuts off the internet one night a week, you accidentally post the same thing twice because you didn't realize your original post got through right before the shut off. Sorry!

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alpacaterpillar

Gah, my only chance of talking to her this week was shattered by Mum ringing me. Maybe I'll try hanging around the library a bit more or something.

I only just remembered - I had plans to get a part-time job at the library, maybe that could get me somewhere. Can't really see how though. I'm thinking of writing a brief introductory letter or something; only thing is, how do I get it to her? I can't help but feel it would be really weird giving it to her in passing. The chances of sitting next to her in a lecture are miniscule, especially as she tends to arrive almost-late. I might just have to wait for the next tutorial, and I can't remember if it's before or after the mid-semester break, which is in a few weeks... I can't help but find it ironic that the tutorial I share with her is the only one I have which has little discussion and a lot of work. In my other tutorials I somehow end up being one of the 'leading' students in terms of discussion contribution.

Now I'm worrying she's lesbian... my last crush was, and they both have a very similar style in terms of dress and self-presentation... Even so, I'd still like to be friends with her. I felt a lot more comfortable around my lesbian high school friends than around most girls.

As to how I write to her, I'm thinking of a format like "hi, my name is blah, I'm quite shy about approaching people and you seem to be too, maybe we could hang out together" or something brief like that. Maybe I should mention my age, or would that just be weird?

I swear, the vast majority of my life simply consists of waiting... waiting for everything...

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I'd really just nix the letter idea, it'd creep me out and I'm a pretty laid back shy girl. Also you're letter format would set off all kinds of warning bells in my head, heck, I'm not the recipient and it's setting off all sorts of warning bells. Really, just pluck up a bit of courage and comment if she wears a fandom shirt, or ask her about a book she's reading, especially if you see her at the library. I know that sounds a bit harsh, my telling you to pluck up some courage, but sometimes it needs to be said.

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Flour Confessor

I hope this doesn't come across as mean, because I don't think you sound like a bad guy at all, Pete. But you definitely do read as a bit socially awkward, and there are most likely a few things that could be done before you attempt to communicate with this girl at all.

First, I'd say ditch the "small beard and maroon suit jacket," especially if it's something you're wearing every day. Getting away from wearing a comforting piece of clothing that you see as a necessary part of every outfit can be strangely difficult, but it's a big step toward mainstream coolness and approachability. What you wear is oftentimes your first warning shot to the people in your social circles—here I come, presenting what I decided was my best face!—and it can give people weird vibes if you're always wearing the same unusual item, day after day. Facial hair is another thing that's difficult to pull off, particularly when you're eighteen, so I'd say shave it and keep it shaved until you're sure you can cultivate a winning arrangement of whiskers.

Second, I'll side with sevenprime and Arctic Revenge and say that you should give up on the letter idea. I was once shy and also thought letters were all the rage, but they really aren't. They can be, I think, but a letter isn't a good way to introduce yourself to someone when there's a much more obvious way of introducing yourself—that being just starting a conversation, with your voice—staring both of you right in the face. Straight up asking someone if they want to be friends would strike most people, I think, as a very preschool/kindergarten way of going about it (and I know you've said that you're somewhat of an Aspie and are shy to boot, so please don't think I'm knocking you here). Most friendships between adults spring up automatically when two people find that they click in the process of doing something other than actively hunting out friends. What I'm saying is you need an in; you and this girl will probably need a shared interest or even something that you both find similarly annoying before it's natural to make smalltalk. Dropping a letter in her lap could (and I think probably would) send a message like "Hey, I've been paying a lot more attention to you than you probably have to me, and I've decided to just kind of skip the normal social song and dance even though I'm sitting twenty feet away from you." A letter makes you come on pretty strong right from the start, and that isn't what you want to broadcast to this girl.

So, to reiterate: lose the beard and the jacket, forget about writing a letter, and try to think up something that could work as a logical reason for making conversation with her. She still may not respond favorably, and that's okay. You said yourself that she's shy and doesn't seem very interested in making friends, so don't be offended if it turns out to be true. I hope this helps, and good luck!

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I'm a very shy girl and kind of socially awkward, too. I've literally never taken the initiative in conversation or friendship. Sometimes I'll want to talk to people, but I just can't. I just feel like all these Cool People exist on a higher level than me.

Anyway, though I think I've improved this past school year, I'm used to feeling unnoticed/invisible (in classes where I don't have any close friends) because I don't talk to anyone. And when someone says something as simple as "hi," or "good morning," I feel that inexplicably brightens my day, even if only a little bit.

So, I'm not sure how I feel about the letter idea, and obviously you're getting a lot of mixed responses. I feel like a letter can be hit-or-miss. It could work with some people, but it might not with others. Obviously I don't know and you don't know how this girl would react, but a safer route might be trying conversation. I know you said you're shy/socially awkward, too, but maybe try to work up a hello, even if that's all you can say for the day (though I may be a bit hypocritical giving this advice, because I can't even do that), and maybe you'll be able to find a conversational topic another time. But I think you should first get yourself out there and at least say hello.

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