Vaginismus? Fear/Confusion Advice needed! :( -TMI-

[Lisa92]

May be TMI sorry but i really need help, Can anyone relate for any of this? I'm very confused and don't know what to do :( Also sorry it's long.

I am 20 years old and i'm a virgin, i have an extreme fear of sexual intercourse, mainly the pain. I am not asexual as i do feel arousal and have always enjoyed other things (foreplay - oral and manual) I have been in a very strong relationship for just over a year and luckily my boyfriend is very understanding and doesn't seem to mind as he reassures me that it doesn't matter, we both enjoy occasional sexual intimacy although i am very paranoid about my fear of sex and fear of losing him as he may eventually feel something is missing and feel unfulfilled, and i feel he deserves a FULL relationship, and this leads me feeling very guilty, and i generally have no faith,love or confidence in myself and am INCREDIBLY insecure, perhaps he'll wish he didn't love me.. anyway that's another thing i've ranted about on here and i won't repeat it on this post.

over the last three years i have tried on 4 or 5 occasions to attempt sex but as soon as it's against the entrance, not even slightly inside, i feel pain and recoil in horror, even thinking about it now make's me well up, My finger fits without pain if im carefull, just about 2, but i have very small skinny fingers.. anyway, nothing bigger, and if i move my fingers slighly it really hurts.

For a long time i've felt there was something wrong with me, i know it sounds stupid but as if i'm not built right... That's how i feel, broken and incomplete, and it makes me feel like i'm not a woman at all, not even a girl. From what i've read i think i must have vaginismus, but my problem is i have no idea what i want, what i 'should' do or how i should go about what ever i do :s

So Here's The Question :

Ive been on the health websites describing treatment and reading about it made me feel hopeful yet uncomfortable. Part of me thinks i should talk to a doctor about my issue to see if theres things i can do to help, but.. i have no idea if i actually WANT to do anything about it or just think i should? I want to talk to a female doctor about it and my concerns even if it's just a talk and no examination, but I'm so scared, i don't think i could bring myself to talk about it, my perfect chance is when every few months i see a nurse to get The Pill and check up, as she specialises in all of that. I think i'd just break down infront of her if i tried... What should i do? I want to be ABLE to have sex, as another intimate loving thing between me and someone i trust and love and truly loves me, but then theres also maybe i want to just to prevent losing him. If this makes sense to anyone who can relate in ANY way advice would reaally be appreciated as i am quite clueless and it's all overwhelming, my head's a mess... Thankyou.

[Member4445]

You know, you're probably just feeling pain because you're a virgin or not aroused enough...

I don't think I need to tell you how that can be solved...

...and if you fear the pain of a breaking hymen during sex, you can always break it yourself...

[Touchofinsight]

Well there is a couple things you can do:

First I think you should talk to your doctor about your experience. They may prescribe you some pain medication that may make your feeling of arousal lessened. I don't know what options they have which will be available. Some of this could psychosomatic in which the stress in this issue could be causing the issues, so doing whatever you can to put your body into a relaxed state would be best. Try not to eliminate any possibilities and keep an open mind to potential solutions.

I feel like more information is always better, you don't have to go through any treatment unless you want to, no one can force that upon you.

Secondly: The next time you feel ready to try sex, I recommend a couple things.

Make sure you are getting enough foreplay as you are more turned on you'll expand.

Use lubrication, real lube, seriously.

Be in control (preferably on top) , you get to control when and how the penis is inserted so there is less apprehension and you'll be more relaxed.

Ultimately these may not be viable solution to your current problem but it will make future sex easier. I am not a women but I have often heard that sex is generally painful the first handful of times and it becomes more pleasurable over time. Granted that is completely anecdotal so I don't know how it will apply to you.

Best of luck

Touch!

[RoL34]

The hymen doesn't actually break, and what she's talking about is called vaginismus, which is an extremely painful condition that makes vaginal intercourse all but impossible, no matter how much you want to have sex.

Apparently vaginismus can be caused by physical or psychological problems. The very fear of painful sex may indeed be causing your vaginismus, in which case, a call to the therapist would be in order. If it's physical a gynecologist or pelvic physical therapist can help you.

This isn't your fault, and you're not doing anything wrong, this is just yet another annoying quirk your body can do to annoy you :P, and it's totally fixable. But I've read any attempt to have sex before addressing your vaginismus will only make things worse, and the more you expect there to be pain when you have sex, the more it will happen.

[Member4445]

Yes, but it might not be that.

[Sennkestra]

I suggest talking to a gynecologist or other doctor if you can manage it. If bringing it up scares you, you could also try something like writing your concerns down before hand, and emailing it to your doctor, or handing it to them at the appointment. They probably get people freaking out about all sorts of things all the time, so don't worry about that - they're used to it.

Feeling some discomfort isn't unusual if you're not sexually active; nervousness and lack of lubrication can make things worse. However, if you have any kind of severe pain you should really talk to a gynecologist, as there can sometimes be other causes and they can really help you figure out what it might be and how to go about making it better.

Also, some more tmi suggestions below the spoiler:

If you want to experiment a bit, when you're alone you can try some things to yourself o figure out if they make any change to the pain:

1. Lube! lube is awesome, you can almost never have too much. Try adding some extra lube if you want to try penetration (with your fingers, or a toy, etc. (if you use a toy be sure to use appropriate precautions - i.e. no silicone lube with a silicone toy, keep it clean, etc.)

2. Experiment while you're alone, and in a comfortable situation - in bed, in the bathroom, wherever. Try to be relaxed, as being tense makes things harder.

3. try getting off first before trying any penetration - it can increase your natural lubrication and relax you a bit.

4. Take it slow. Very slow. Work your way up slowly.

If this helps things, it's may just be that you're naturally somewhat "tight" and just need to relax ans take some time to slowly loosen things up enough to be comfortable. On the other hand, if you still experience severe pain that's a sign that something else is going on

In the mean time, there's also a whole lot of stuff you can do that don't involve any vaginal penetration if you're a little creative - there's a lot of info online or I could try to provide some suggestions ( or check out wikipedia! generally a good place for learning about sex without worrying about stumbling on anything too bad: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-penetrative_sex )

Don't try to force it if you're not comfortable; it'll just make things awkward for both of you.

Also: if anyone tells you that "it's supposed to hurt the first time(s)", that's not true. There may be mild discomfort but if you prep properly and go slow it shouldn't be causing you pain.

[MadRat]

It might be vaginismus, or it might be extra tight hymen. I know something about it. I have extra tight hymen too. It can be removed by surgery but I don´t have a boyfriend and don´t plan to have sex, so I don´t do anything about it.

Doctors should be able to solve your problem.

And if it is not because of hymen but because of vaginismus, therapist could help you.

[Naosuu]

Everyone here has given you some very good advice. I just wanted to comment on one particular bit that struck me:

...i am very paranoid about my fear of sex and fear of losing him as he may eventually feel something is missing and feel unfulfilled, and i feel he deserves a FULL relationship, and this leads me feeling very guilty, and i generally have no faith,love or confidence in myself and am INCREDIBLY insecure, perhaps he'll wish he didn't love me..

My TMI response:

I know in a lot of heterosexual magazines they're always talking about intercourse. Some people see intercourse as the pinnacle of sexual intimacy, or that orgasms should be the goal.

I was kind of hung up about orgasms when I started my relationship. In the beginning he didn't orgasm very often and I was, for a lack of better word, "hung up" about it. I thought it was a reflection that I wasn't "good"/"skilled" enough, I didn't pay enough attention or other reasons.

One time, we were fooling around and he said, "I know you won't stop bothering me unless I finish." He wasn't upset or anything, but the phrase itself made it very apparent that this conception was kind of silly. We talked about it and he knows it takes him a while and he prefers the experience than the end goal. I've since let my hang up go and I feel much better overall.

This is a really long winded way to say that how one derives satisfaction is very, very individual. If you guys want to work towards intercourse, go for it. However, I think it's equally important to know that, similar to my story, certain conceptions or ideas of how your sex life should be can be damaging. Only your boyfriend can know if his needs are being satisfied. If your boyfriend says he's happy with how things are now, you should believe him. Sexual intimacy can be fulfilled in a variety of ways, not only through intercourse.

[Flapdoodle21]

I have several friends with vaginismus, and I know they found a lot of relief when they went to see a gynecologist. One was sent by the gynecologist to a therapist and was treated jointly by both, the others were just treated by a gynecologist. All of them have had a good deal of success learning about their individual bodies and ways that they can use them for pleasure rather than bringing pain to them. I'd strongly suggest talking to your doctor or health insurance about seeing a gynecologist.

[HMS Mole]

I think you should talk to your doctor/nurse because your fears are very valid. Pain is your body's way of telling you something is wrong. If it hurts to move your finger around in there, that's pretty telling that there might be a problem. Virgins have pain free sex all the time, it isn't really normal to be so afraid or repulsed by the very thought of penetration. It might be an actual physical problem, or it might mostly be psychological, but either way the problem is not going to be solved by ignoring the pain, pushing through it, or trying to intentionally hurt yourself (breaking your hymen is not actually supposed to happen, please don't cause trauma to yourself!). If there is a physical condition (which is actually more common than you think, you aren't "broken" or "not a woman") then it will never get better until you go see a doctor. If it is psychological or some mental block on your part, all you will do by going through with uncomfortable sex is exacerbate it and set yourself up for even worse mental issues. In either event, if you just go through with sex and try to ignore your fear and discomfort, you are risking making an associating of sex with pain and unpleasantness, possibly for the rest of your life. If you want to pursue a healthy sexual relationship, you need to deal with the problem.

I want to help you do the right thing here because I know how you feel. I actually do have some problem which makes sex painful for me. I've never seen a doctor about it because I don't have any desires to have sex anyway, due to being asexual, so the question is just academic, really. Sex hurts, but I can insert tampons and whatnot without trouble, so mine might not even be as bad as yours. But back when I was in a sexual relationship, it was a terrible problem for me. You think, "I love him and want to give him this intimacy, it doesn't hurt *that* much, I can deal with it," but after a while it will fuck with your head. I started having rape dreams because I associated sex with trauma, dreading any touch between us because it might lead to sex, and resenting him (even though it was my fault, not his, for not dealing with the underlying problem). Even though I'm ace, I don't have a problem with sex, it was just the pain that made it terrible to me, so I'm reasonably confident you might go through something similar if you don't understand where your fear comes from and just try to ignore it.

Submitting to something that makes you afraid or uncomfortable or gives you pain is NOT a show of love. You need to look after yourself first, then worry about what might be missing from your relationship. Your boyfriend should understand and help you work through this. If he doesn't, or if you feel he is pressuring you into having p/v sex, then he is a jerk who doesn't deserve you.

[Nekomata]

I generally have this, or I did, don't really know what to call it anymore. When I first attempted sex it was impossible because he couldn't do anything besides tap what seemed to be a wall, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get anywhere. After a while I decided to go to the doctor and a little while after, experimenting with myself and whatnot (couldn't be bothered with buying those cone things the doctors tell you to use and stuff XD) I finally succeeded and we did it. After a few minutes though it became a dreadful pain, and I cringed whenever he did stuff, and after a while he had to stop because the pain became too much.

For some reason though, when I got a contraceptive implant inserted into my arm (a hormonal thing) the pain just stopped. Which was generally a relief at the time. Problem is now that I feel nothing at all, no pain, no pleasure, no anything. Hell, even sometimes for some reason the wall goes up again and... well, that problem again x___x but yeah. Generally I've grown to loathe sex myself and have no joy or anything from it. I've been told to see a psychiatrist because of this but... well, since I don't have pain and don't care about sex in general, I don't see the point anymore.

At one point I did feel extremely broken and incomplete myself because this thing... well, my boyfriend had sex with a couple of others because they didn't have the same problem I did. So I've just become apathetic and uncaring now.

I'm pretty sure you could get help though, and since you've never actually had full blown sex before no one's really sure what you have, especially if you're just diagnosing yourself ^^;so yup~ it's probably a mental block like I have, especially when you have a huge fear of sex as it is - that tends to make things more painful and awkward.. ><

[kochouran]

I used to dread the idea of penetration. I never used tampons and found other ways to masturbate. When I started having sex, it was really painful in the beginning. That lasted for a year, and I kept freaking out because everyone always says painful sex means something is wrong. I thought I had vaginismus, but I've heard in those cases the pain wouldn't go away whereas mine would ease up. I went to two gynecologists and after checking me out, they both said that I'm okay health-wise. The pain comes from anxiety and a size issue (they always apologized during pap smears). Now that sex has become kind of a habit and I'm not worried about my health, things have improved. Occasionally the solution is just time and a lot of lube (though, as others have said, best have the doctor check you out first). ;)

[Lisa92]

I think you should talk to your doctor/nurse because your fears are very valid. Pain is your body's way of telling you something is wrong. If it hurts to move your finger around in there, that's pretty telling that there might be a problem. Virgins have pain free sex all the time, it isn't really normal to be so afraid or repulsed by the very thought of penetration. It might be an actual physical problem, or it might mostly be psychological, but either way the problem is not going to be solved by ignoring the pain, pushing through it, or trying to intentionally hurt yourself (breaking your hymen is not actually supposed to happen, please don't cause trauma to yourself!). If there is a physical condition (which is actually more common than you think, you aren't "broken" or "not a woman") then it will never get better until you go see a doctor. If it is psychological or some mental block on your part, all you will do by going through with uncomfortable sex is exacerbate it and set yourself up for even worse mental issues. In either event, if you just go through with sex and try to ignore your fear and discomfort, you are risking making an associating of sex with pain and unpleasantness, possibly for the rest of your life. If you want to pursue a healthy sexual relationship, you need to deal with the problem.

I want to help you do the right thing here because I know how you feel. I actually do have some problem which makes sex painful for me. I've never seen a doctor about it because I don't have any desires to have sex anyway, due to being asexual, so the question is just academic, really. Sex hurts, but I can insert tampons and whatnot without trouble, so mine might not even be as bad as yours. But back when I was in a sexual relationship, it was a terrible problem for me. You think, "I love him and want to give him this intimacy, it doesn't hurt *that* much, I can deal with it," but after a while it will fuck with your head. I started having rape dreams because I associated sex with trauma, dreading any touch between us because it might lead to sex, and resenting him (even though it was my fault, not his, for not dealing with the underlying problem). Even though I'm ace, I don't have a problem with sex, it was just the pain that made it terrible to me, so I'm reasonably confident you might go through something similar if you don't understand where your fear comes from and just try to ignore it.

Submitting to something that makes you afraid or uncomfortable or gives you pain is NOT a show of love. You need to look after yourself first, then worry about what might be missing from your relationship. Your boyfriend should understand and help you work through this. If he doesn't, or if you feel he is pressuring you into having p/v sex, then he is a jerk who doesn't deserve you.

Thankyou this was very helpful to read, you sound very understanding of my situation and appreciate all responses but things like just suggesting ways to help me relax and that i'm not aroused enough really aren't helpful and get to me.. because it's not as if i'm just not trying hard enough and 'oh it'll be ok you just need to use more lube and just push through the pain blah blah blah' because i've tried EVERYTHING anyway even water based lube stings me ¬.¬

Anyway, this will sound silly but, either with attempting sex or using other things VERY slowly and carefully, i know that some discomfort or pain should be expected, but it's like, how do i know if it's 'normal pain' that i should just expect and is just something you need to work through whilst stretching the walls, or if it's the kind of pain that tells you 'no stop whatever you're doing!' and if there's blood how to i know if that's meant to be the hymen tearing or what ever which can be expected and isn't a big deal or... Bad blood that isn't meant to happen?

And:

I generally have this, or I did, don't really know what to call it anymore. When I first attempted sex it was impossible because he couldn't do anything besides tap what seemed to be a wall, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get anywhere. After a while I decided to go to the doctor and a little while after, experimenting with myself and whatnot (couldn't be bothered with buying those cone things the doctors tell you to use and stuff XD) I finally succeeded and we did it. After a few minutes though it became a dreadful pain, and I cringed whenever he did stuff, and after a while he had to stop because the pain became too much.

For some reason though, when I got a contraceptive implant inserted into my arm (a hormonal thing) the pain just stopped. Which was generally a relief at the time. Problem is now that I feel nothing at all, no pain, no pleasure, no anything. Hell, even sometimes for some reason the wall goes up again and... well, that problem again x___x but yeah. Generally I've grown to loathe sex myself and have no joy or anything from it. I've been told to see a psychiatrist because of this but... well, since I don't have pain and don't care about sex in general, I don't see the point anymore.

At one point I did feel extremely broken and incomplete myself because this thing... well, my boyfriend had sex with a couple of others because they didn't have the same problem I did. So I've just become apathetic and uncaring now.

I'm pretty sure you could get help though, and since you've never actually had full blown sex before no one's really sure what you have, especially if you're just diagnosing yourself ^^;so yup~ it's probably a mental block like I have, especially when you have a huge fear of sex as it is - that tends to make things more painful and awkward.. ><

Yes that's totally how i describe it! it's like, just leaning against the gate but those gates are NOT opening xD But seriously it feels like a dead end and other worry... when i feel... i'm pretty sure i can feel my cervix intrance like 1.5 / 2 inches in......i know i have a very small frame and am short but... is that possible? It's like theres just no room :s that's what i mean when i say i feel i'm built wrong! like my reproductive system is wrong :s

[Lisa92]

Also, now i'm not stupid, this is going to make me sound uneducated.. obviously i know about sex, whats meant to happen, the parts of the system, obviously i know that full well BUT, it's like i can't relate what i feel on/in myself, to a diagram :s i'm not totally sure which part is the hymen, i know where it's MEANT to be but i can't identify that on myself and like i said it feels like the cervix entrance is RIGHT there as soon as i feel inside... I don't understand my own bloody body >.< and no way am i letting a doctor/nurse not even female feel around... If nothing changes in years to come i will not even be able to have smear tests i just wouldn't be able to go through with it. I know i'm sounding pathetic and scared of every alternative but i am :( i know no one can have an answer to that, i'm the only one who can decide things and take whatever action but.. just discussing it with people who understand really helps, especially knowing i'm not the only one out there like it.

[Sennkestra]

Also, now i'm not stupid, this is going to make me sound uneducated.. obviously i know about sex, whats meant to happen, the parts of the system, obviously i know that full well BUT, it's like i can't relate what i feel on/in myself, to a diagram :s i'm not totally sure which part is the hymen, i know where it's MEANT to be but i can't identify that on myself and like i said it feels like the cervix entrance is RIGHT there as soon as i feel inside... I don't understand my own bloody body >.< and no way am i letting a doctor/nurse not even female feel around... If nothing changes in years to come i will not even be able to have smear tests i just wouldn't be able to go through with it. I know i'm sounding pathetic and scared of every alternative but i am :( i know no one can have an answer to that, i'm the only one who can decide things and take whatever action but.. just discussing it with people who understand really helps, especially knowing i'm not the only one out there like it.

That's not stupid at all! Actually, most women don't really know much about their own anatomy, and no one ever teaches it - it's good that you're taking the initiative to learn! not many do. (Also most anatomical diagrams are kind of unhelpful because the sketches don't really resemble real organs well.....reality isn't conveniently color-coded and outlined. Plus things are 3D in ways that you cant really depict in a 2D diagram)

Ok, so, some basic anatomy:

First of all, most of what you've heard about the hymen is probably a myth; it does not cover the vagina (and if it does you need to see a doctor), you don't have to and shouldn't try to tear it , and you cannot tell if someone is a virgin or not by the state of their hymen.

Basically, the hymen is more like a sort of ring of membranous tissue around the entrance to the vagina - you can't really see it and it's really hard to feel - there's a sort of tightest ring, right at the entrance with a bit that feels sort of....softer? wigglier? than the parts further inside: that's the hymen (It's really hard to describe). Since it's thinner/softer and also smaller than other parts, that's the reason it can hurt on penetration and can be damaged a little if the sex is too rough/preparation isn't good enough.

If it's too tight, it can be one thing that makes sex painful; you can deal with that by taking it slow/getting aroused first/using lot so of lube/ gently stretching with fingers/etc. "Breaking" it will just make it hurt more (like having cuts on top of still being to tight) so that's just painful and doesn't really help.

As for the cervix: it's several inches into your vagina, so that's probably not what you're feeling... the vagina also kind of curves a bit, it's not just a tube, so you may just be feeling one of the sides. I can't say for sure what it would actually feel like if you did reach it because I can't actually reach mine.

[HMS Mole]

Don't feel ignorant or dumb! I wouldn't know thing 1 about all this if I hadn't personally gone through what you are going through. It's really hard finding good info about all this because the same old myths and misconceptions keep getting passed around and no one wants to get into the nitty gritty of the mechanics of sex, or acknowledge female sexual dysfunction (male sexual dysfunction, of course, gets all the attention in the world).

I'm the same way with the feeling that there is a wall. Sometimes it would just be impossible. That particular problem can definitely be exacerbated by stress, though there can be legitimate sizing problems. Usually the only times the penetration part of sex wasn't painful for me was when he had just given me a very long back massage so I was more relaxed. You definitely have to be "in the mood", but what that means for each woman is different, and if you are struggling with sex anxiety you might have to see a therapist to become more open to the idea.

Huge TMI alert here ;)

I bought a life size dildo and lube so that I could try it on my own, with no pressure. The tip of it is rounded out and bigger than the rest of the shaft. When I would put it in, getting the rounded tip in would be difficult. It wasn't really pain, as much as it was a feeling of pressure. It would take me a while because I would go slow, work on my breathing, and at the moment I felt I was most relaxed down there, then push the tip in. Then I would stop and take a moment to relax again and the uncomfortable feelings would decrease and I could slowly slide the rest of it in. Getting it out was the same story, but backwards. I had to learn how to really "feel" myself and know when my muscles were most relaxed so that there was the largest opening possible. In this way, and taking it very slowly, I avoided pain. But when you have another person involved it's more difficult, through no fault of either party.

The point of it, though, was that I learned what discomfort was "normal". I never bled when I did this, bleeding during sex = bad. (Seriously, it means vaginal tearing. Open wounds in your vag are no small matter and they will make any more attempts at sex truly awful until they are fully healed.) There was never a point where it felt like, "If I just rip through this obstruction I can get it in." Unfortunately there is nothing I can think of that feels like sex except sex, so I can't say what it is supposed to feel like. Just what it is NOT supposed to feel like.

As for your cervix, I'm pretty sure I've felt mine. Does it feel rough and kinda boney? But when you have sex the length of your vagina doubles or more, so it shouldn't be affecting the entrance of a peen.

It is possible that you are just built really small. My sister is my size and she says when she goes to the gyno they have to use their smallest instruments on her because she's so small, and that she has experienced pain during sex as well. She has sex often, though, so it isn't an insurmountable problem. For the record, we are both 5'8'', so it's not like we're tiny little fairies. The size of your vagina is only a reflection on the size of your vagina. The idea that you get "loose" the more you have sex is unfounded. Giving birth, getting old, and pregnancy can cause weakening of the pelvic muscles but the size of your vagina is something you are born with (although of course there is the swelling/deflating depending on if it is sexy times or giving birth to a child times).

In your first post you mentioned that you experience pain just when he puts it against your entrance? That rings alarms in my head. There are women who have more nerve endings, so it makes them overly sensitive in that area, some even to the point where they can't wear tight pants.

I know it's scary to go see a doctor about this kind of stuff. I've never been to a gyno because it doesn't seem like fun times at all . What if you just discussed it with your nurse/doctor, tell her you don't feel comfortable having anyone look at or poke you yet, you just want to hear what she says? She's not going to think less of you. Anyone who disdains a woman striving for sexual health is a misogynistic neanderthal.

[Lisa92]

Thankyou for all the advice btw what i feel is a 'donut' shaped thing, like a squidgy ring, it must be the entrance to my cervix, and when ive tried inserting something very skinny like 1cm diameter, i could insert it further if i angled it as if round the side (either side of it, like it was some..thing in the way :s but not straight towards it, as thats a dead end i dont understand what i'm feeling. but its like theres physically no room for a penis.

[Perfect Blue Buildings]

I have that too and I'm pretty sure it's not the cervix :) I searched a labelled model that would tell me what it was, but I couldn't really find one. When I get a pap smear, that definitively feels like it's deeper down inside, so I'm guessing that other thing is supposed to be there. (Which does not solve your problem, but at least there's most likely nothing terribly wrong? :) ) Also, I struggled with tampons for quite a while because I was pointing them the wrong way (like, not even one wrong way, just generally all wrong), so maybe explore different angles? But stuff like this sucks, I remember the feeling! I personally felt quite relieved when I had to go for my first pap smear (mandatory here after twenty) and my gynecologist seemed to think that everything was okay; so based on my personal experience, I second people who suggested talking to a doctor.

[crime_fighting_kitten]

Firstly, lube. Secondly, you're probably worrying so much you aren't relaxed so muscles are tense. Maybe try it right after an orgasm? You'll be relaxed and the muscles will be relaxed plus endorphins are great :) Muscle tightness can be really annoyingly stupid - it took me literally months to get a tampon in. Failing that, go to a doctor. Its not something I'd enjoy bringing up either but I've had a few 'issues' and I find the best way is not to think "How on earth can I say this?!" but to just say it without thinking. And for me in my situation, strip really quickly lol get it over with, put your mind at ease. Good luck!

[Guest]

You might have vaginismus or your fear of sex and the stress you feel towards sex might be making sex painful. Its hard to tell which is why you should see a doctor and possibly a therapist. Regardless of whether you ever have sex or not there might be a serious medical problem so I hope you get it looked at. If you are nervous about going to the gyno here are some links that might help:

http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=78864

http://www.pandys.org/quickinfocards.html

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-handle-going-gynecologist-have-5114281.html?cat=72

http://www.pandys.org/articles/grounding.html

As for the hymen its a mucous membrane that is right outside the vaginal opening or slightly inside. You can't pop, crack, or break it, it doesn't fall off, its elastic in nature so what happens is it stretches. Which might cause a some tearing which is why you should use lube and go slow.

The cervix is at the end of the vagina. I once read it described somewhere if you look at the vaginal opening as one door the cervix is the door at the end of the hallway. If you want to see what a cervix looks like you can try here http://www.beautifulcervix.com/. **This website has galleries of pictures people have submitted of cervixes at different stages (post postpartum, after abortion, post menopausal etc) and their is gendered language**.

I'm sorry you feel broken. The idea that sex "breaks" a person is really effed up and is more of a reflection on society and its attitudes toward sex than it should be on any individual.

Anyhow good luck and *hugs*!

[Lisa92]

Thankyou, but even if i do talk to a nurse/doctor i'm not showing them or letting them feel that is an ABSOLUTE no. After year i'm still not comfortable for my boyfriend to see me naked in the light, only the dark (yes that's how pathetic i am) and no, not even the top half. And i would never be ok with a doctor, male OR female touching me down there, which yes means i am not prepared to ever have a smear test. (Physically wouldnt be able to anyway due to the pain it would cause) anyway. I dont even know if its my muscles tightening up tbh it's just the hymen being so so delicate and painful to try stretch even the tiniest bit, just applying a fraction of pressure really hurts. I was going to say it refuses to stretch but really, I AM refusing to be stretched, because i just plain don't want to. I think i've figured out that this worrying is pointless because i'm not prepared to change. Plus the way i'm feeling right now and have been for a few weeks i have no sexual desire in any way shape or form, so i'll just have to see if he can live like that. I'll feel guilty and selfish but i'm not changing and going through agonising torture for anyone.

[Lisa92]

The almost three year old son he has only just been told he has, who he'll probably never get to see will have to be the only biological child he'll ever have. Which has made me feel a whole lot worse...

[Amedot]

Hey Lisa92 :)

I'm going to challenge you here...

I don't think anyone should be having sexual intercourse until they are able/comfortable to see a doctor examine them down there. Sex is an adult thing, and it comes with responsibilities. It's not all pleasure and fun time. If you engage in sex, you up your risk for cervical cancer, rips, tears, STIs, pregnancy, and yeast infections. These are medical problems that need to be addressed by a doctor.

The vagina is a muscle, a muscular tube. When you are anxious/worried, it tightens, which makes sex more difficult/painful especially for beginners. When you feel ready for sexual intercourse, it is best to spend at least an hour on arousing foreplay and oral (brings blood flow to the genitals, and the saliva helps as a lubricant), and best not to worry or feel yourself tense, as that will tighten the vagina and cause more pain upon penetration. Hope that helps.

[Lisa92]

Hey Lisa92 :)

I'm going to challenge you here...

I don't think anyone should be having sexual intercourse until they are able/comfortable to see a doctor examine them down there. Sex is an adult thing, and it comes with responsibilities. It's not all pleasure and fun time. If you engage in sex, you up your risk for cervical cancer, rips, tears, STIs, pregnancy, and yeast infections. These are medical problems that need to be addressed by a doctor.

The vagina is a muscle, a muscular tube. When you are anxious/worried, it tightens, which makes sex more difficult/painful especially for beginners. When you feel ready for sexual intercourse, it is best to spend at least an hour on arousing foreplay and oral (brings blood flow to the genitals, and the saliva helps as a lubricant), and best not to worry or feel yourself tense, as that will tighten the vagina and cause more pain upon penetration. Hope that helps.

I am an adult.. Thanks but yeah, sex isn't for me. My relationships complicated at the moment and and feel EXTREMELY inferior and useless now my boyfriend all of a sudden has a child and i feel really uncomfortable about him having to see the mother and the idea of me meeting him. I do not like kids. And just makes me realise what i'm never going to be able to offer him, he'll never have a family with me.. It's not just us anymore its this added thing to worry about and it's so weird...ugh i feel so uncomfortable and inadequate :( sorry thats a bit off topic. Just so many things are piling up and i'm shit scared :( :(

[Amedot]

I didn't mean to imply you weren't a legal adult, I meant that sex is something that has a lot of responsibility and it's childish to engage in sex without upholding said medical responsibilities.

I'm glad that you've figured out for yourself that sex isn't for you. I'm sorry to hear you feel inadequate :( if it helps, it's something everyone feels at some point in their lives... not exclusive to asexuals...