Katie2290 Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Where to begin? I joined this site after frequenting it a lot over the past 6 months or so, searching for answers to all of my questions. While I still search for answers, I found enough 'evidence' to just confuse me more! I dont know if I'm asexual or just scared of human contact. While it seems strange that someone could be scared of people, I cant be sure of that either! I was bullied for a good portion of my life and even today it still continues. I'm not the most attractive looking person sure, but I like to think I have a nice personality. Due to my lack of social skills from bullying, I often come off as crude or awkward as I try to figure out how to interact with people. Some take this as me having a mental retardation problem and while at times I did consider that perhaps I had a mild form of autism, I was tested and nothing conclusive was found. I took an IQ exam with results of 140 but my smarts lie in hands on areas. I'm telling all this so perhaps you can get a background on me and see where I might be coming from and why I am so gosh darn confused. I'm 'scared' of people because of the lack of interaction I had, the constant remarks and jokes, the backlash from saying the most innocent sentences such as saying hello. As I grew up, I slowly found true friends that I got along with and could rely on but once I headed into college, my mental and emotional state got to a point where I didnt know what to do. I have never been on a date or had a boy friend. I want to have a boyfriend and get into a relationship but at the same time I'm put off by the idea due to my lack of trust. The question of my sexuality comes into play here; I do have a genetic disorder of the Endocrine system that throws many of my emotions and bodily workings off whack due to chemical imbalances. I find it hard to get attached to a person. I see myself as straight and more often then not I notice a cute guy walking by so I'm not confused there, what confuses me is my desire to be with a person but not physically. I dont want sex, I dont even want to kiss, I just want companionship. Do I not want sex because I'm scared? or is it because of something else? is it my past that made me this way and this is something I can overcome? I would like to have my own bloodline children someday and this kind of worries me in some ways. I dont know how to explain it really; finding the words I need just dont seem to come the way I want them too. The act of kissing (mouth to mouth- with or without tongue) is rather gross to me. a peck on the cheek, forehead or almost anywhere else is fine. Also, while I may not want sex, I do feel sexual urges and can fantasize with no problem which again confuses me and leads me to think that perhaps I'm just scared of getting that close to a person. I explained my situation as best I could. I know its long, probably boring and confusing but to those that read it, I thank you. Hopefully someone can shed some light into my situation and maybe I can make a few friends along the way who can help guide me in this journey. Whether I am asexual or not, doesnt matter to me, I just want to know what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Kagon Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Welcome to AVEN! I'm sorry to hear about the bullying...I was bullied as a child so I know how the effects of this can linger long, *long* into adulthood. I know that it affected my social skills profoundly in adolescence and while I've made up ground, there are still lingering doubts and viewpoints that probably trace to that. At the same time, getting through and past that part of my life has also given me a lot of strength and resilience...so I prefer to focus on that. As for the sexuality, a couple points here. Firstly, remember that ultimately you are the person who will decide whether or not you want to identify as asexual or not. Remember though, that asexuality is an orientation...its whether or no you get sexually attracted to other people tnot just whether or not you want to have sex. Also, remember that sexuality can be fluid...just because someone may choose to identify as asexual (or not) right now, doesn't mean they will always have to, or will always feel that way. As for what causes asexuality? No one really has an answer. Why do *you* feel the way you do and does that make you asexual? I don't know that either, but it doesn't matter to me so long as you are comfortable in how you see and describe yourself. Because really, that's all we're really doing here...exploring whether or not asexuality fits with how we feel about ourselves. I do know that a lot of what your describing is similar in a lot of ways to what *I* feel though, and I do identify as asexual. As for if your past made you this way and if its something you can overcome? Our past influences who we are, but as noted above....we don't know what causes asexuality. Maybe it plays in maybe it doesn't, but even if it did it wouldn't invalidate what you're feeling now. In general, with the bullying and social awkwardness you've described in your past, have you considered counseling? That might help you to sort out a lot of your social and emotional questions. I don't know if your feelings about sex are something that would change with counseling or not, but working through everything else might make what you are feeling there more clear. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
ADP Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Hi Katie, Welcome to the site! I know how confusing it can be to explore these issues, and I think it's brave of you to ask yourself these questions. I can relate to having social anxiety and not being sure where my sense of being repelled by sex came from, having experienced past trauma. I think that what is important is to recognize your feelings and to know that they are legitimate, wherever they come from. If you can reduce your anxiety about having these feelings and what they might "mean," it will make it easier for you to understand them. At least, that has been my experience. As for sexual urges and fantasies, many asexual people have them; they just usually aren't directed toward an actual desire to have sex with another person and (with fantasies) often don't involve our direct participation. There is a lot of variation in asexuality across different individuals and even across time for the same individual. It may be that you want a romantic relationship with a man but don't want it to involve sex or that you do want certain kinds of sexual contact under certain circumstances but not others, and these are things that you can figure out over time. I hope that helps. Again, welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Hi and welcome. As the others have mentioned, it is definitely up to you if you decide the asexual label works for you. It's one of those things where it is just different enough for each person to see some confusing issues, as you maybe have done. Have you seen the Front Page? Oh there is a documentary on Netflix called (A)sexual that you might really like too. My husband doesn't find attraction so much the issue as he has no interest in sexual relations. Don't worry, you'll get it figured out. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Invisible Pumpkin Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Welcome to Aven! I think you will discover the truth about yourself anytime soon. If you have issues and you want to develop your social skill, beware you can do it, it's just a matter of doing proper therapies, if you don't want to, then perfect ;), people should accept you the way you are. Link to post Share on other sites
intothewest Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Welcome to AVEN, Katie! :D Link to post Share on other sites
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