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Its not over yet. Not for MSN anyway:


Vyanni Krace

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*joins Touchofinsight in the 'head explodes' category*

"If someone doesn't desire you sexually at all you'll miss all the little gestures that make romantic relationships work – loving looks, being told you are beautiful and made to feel attractive, and the feeling of being desired."

Sorry but

- "loving looks" aren't the same as "lustful looks"

- I consider myself asexul but can appreciate someone's body. Just because I don't want to start dry humping their leg doesn't mean I don't understand they're attractive.

- ...You can't 'desire' someone in any way other than physically?

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DeadandLovely

Ugh this made me mad! At least there are some smart people in the comments below! Why do people feel the need to be biased or judge others? WOW SEX IS SUCH A BIG THING. It actually usually tears people apart. But w.e. Stupid news.

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The thing that really makes me wonder about it is why "emotional affairs" are such a big deal then. If sex is the only thing that makes a relationship a relationship, then any amount of emotional sharing and nonsexual affection with other people should be fine, right? I've learned the hard way that this isn't the case. :lol:

So it's like it only works in one direction but not the other.

Or maybe it really still is about sex. As in, sexuals assume that intense emotional intimacy will eventually lead to sex, and that's what they're ultimately afraid of with "emotional affairs". If they could be convinced that the "other person" is utterly incapable of (or disinterested in) sex for whatever reason, then maybe they'd see it as just a strong friendship and be fine with it.

I wonder about that a lot. My entire view of relationships at the moment sort of hinges on this basically.

"Or maybe it really still is about sex. As in, sexuals assume that

intense emotional intimacy will eventually lead to sex, and that's what

they're ultimately afraid of with "emotional affairs". If they could be

convinced that the "other person" is utterly incapable of (or

disinterested in) sex for whatever reason, then maybe they'd see it as

just a strong friendship and be fine with it." I think you NAILED it. (no pun intended) haha I think this really is IT. That's why most hetero mono people don't mind their partners sharing emotinal intimacy with people of their own gender but do so with people of the opposite gender.

Back in my flaming ace days a hetero female friend and I were super-spooning under a wooly blanket while trying to make sense of a book nobody at Uni could make sense of including us. :lol: Her boyfriend of three years strolled into the room, calmly told us: "hey wassup? I'm off to training, see you lot laters." I was shocked. I expected: "A WTF do you think you are doing you cheeky fence-sitting minx?" :o I imagine had I been male I would have gotten a slap insted of a "hey wassup" but anyways. And just to clarify neither of them knew I was ace or anything about aces and both were very enthusiastically hetero sexual people with the boyfriend being known for a few homophobic, anti-lesbian coments in the past. Hmmmm

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From a sexual viewpoint, if what she is saying is true and sex is a big part of a relationship, considering a lot of people are more than willing to give sex away without any commitment... why even bother with a relationship if everything else is so minor?

She actually makes it sound like sex is practically the be all and end all of any emotional commitment at all, strange lady.

I think because sex is considered the good bit. You can have the good bit without the other bits, but you would never bother having the other bits without the good bit. Asexuals might place different priorities on things. Personally I prioritise sex and attachment equally, because casual sex makes me feel even more unloved. It runs off the thinking "if he wants to have sex with me he must like me a lot, so why am i so unsuitable as a girlfriend? I must be a joke to him." Flawed of course because some people enjoy just licking the icing and leaving the cake.

"if he wants to have sex with me he must like me a lot, so why am i so unsuitable as a girlfriend? I must be a joke to him." I'm adding this to my aromantic sexuals problems list.

why even bother with a relationship if everything else is so minor? many people "bother" (in the true sense of the word) with a relationship because (and especially for women) a stable long-term romantic relationship is the only socially acceptable way of having sex. If there's no attachment one is just a manipulative hoe with no self-control. One would be surprised how prevalent this thinking is. Some people also enter long term relationships out of economic convenience or family pressures. Everyone has their reasons.

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Kitty Spoon Train

From a sexual viewpoint, if what she is saying is true and sex is a big part of a relationship, considering a lot of people are more than willing to give sex away without any commitment... why even bother with a relationship if everything else is so minor?

She actually makes it sound like sex is practically the be all and end all of any emotional commitment at all, strange lady.

I think because sex is considered the good bit. You can have the good bit without the other bits, but you would never bother having the other bits without the good bit. Asexuals might place different priorities on things. Personally I prioritise sex and attachment equally, because casual sex makes me feel even more unloved. It runs off the thinking "if he wants to have sex with me he must like me a lot, so why am i so unsuitable as a girlfriend? I must be a joke to him." Flawed of course because some people enjoy just licking the icing and leaving the cake.

"if he wants to have sex with me he must like me a lot, so why am i so unsuitable as a girlfriend? I must be a joke to him." I'm adding this to my aromantic sexuals problems list.

why even bother with a relationship if everything else is so minor? many people "bother" (in the true sense of the word) with a relationship because (and especially for women) a stable long-term romantic relationship is the only socially acceptable way of having sex. If there's no attachment one is just a manipulative hoe with no self-control. One would be surprised how prevalent this thinking is. Some people also enter long term relationships out of economic convenience or family pressures. Everyone has their reasons.

This "good bit" thing actually got me thinking in the last few days. I've been looking for a simple way to explain how my romantic and sexual orientations work you see..... :D

The issue for someone like me is that emotional and intellectual bonding is the "good bit". And sex is essentially absent altogether from any initial impressions and attractions to a person. Not to mention it's not a motivator to chase them for any romantic intentions. So in effect, I don't "get" sexual attraction and how sex can be the "good bit" - simply because it isn't even there, as part of the melange of initial feelings which I would call "romantic attraction". "Romance" is purely emotional bonding and chaste physical intimacy to my mind, essentially. Put limerence aside, and it's basically impossible to tell the difference between romance and a very intimate friendship to me.

So yes, this is why the way most people work, or at least seem to have the potential to work (ie The potential to see sex as the "good bit", which can be enjoyed for its own sake) - just doesn't make sense to me. I can eventually desire someone sexually, but it takes a heck of a lot of bonding to get there. It's not something that's just "there", simply because a person is female bodied and good looking, etc.

A classic case of putting the cart before the horse. Or the tail wagging the dog. My mind simply doesn't function that way regarding sex. But the upshot of it is that I'm immune from the "regretful casual sex" scenario. :lol:

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Sarcastic Bob

From the bottom of the article: "Periwinkle Jones has written for big name brands such as Cosmopolitan, Men's Health and Company both sides of the screen". Well, she sounds like an upstanding young journalist. Perhaps she will win an award for exposing corrupt politicians. Who knows; if she plays her cards right she might even write for Playboy!

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At the end, the last words, 'rather her than me' makes me want to punch someone.
He go through the whole article pretty much saying asexuality is not valid, then say that.
You. Little. Shit.

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Kitty Spoon Train

Maybe sex is an acquired taste? :P

Heh, that's one way of describing demisexuality I suppose. Except replace the generic idea of "sex" with "sex with that particular person". :D

But yeah, the idea of sex with someone random....hmmmm....in my head it feels like voluntarily allowing myself to be sexually assaulted.

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Maybe sex is an acquired taste? :P

I think that it is for me. Although I see it more along the lines of entertainment, similar to going to the cinema or going for a drink. So far I've had the desire appear once randomly since I've tried it over a year ago.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm going to get a blue marker and mark [subjective]on everything.

[citation needed]

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I really hate people's inability to look at the other side. It's not right to call someone selfish for hoping to be happy. Why is it any more selfish to hope to not have sex than it is to ask someone who doesn't want it to have sex? Apparantly that's ok? No. It's like she's saying unless you have sex you don't have the right to be loved. It's so frustrating :/

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