cna335

How to date?

11 posts in this topic

Before discovery asexuality, dating was never a reality for me. I didn't think I could enjoy being in an intimate relationship with someone. I decided that I wanted to finally start dating, but I realized that I never actually learned how to.

I can't flirt, and I don't enjoy it. I'm very intellectual, not great with emotions. I'm incredibly reserved, and very controlling of how much I open myself up to people, if at all. And, I prefer to listen to people talk than to talk about myself.

Basically I can't date. I've tried online dating, but have had no success yet.

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Dating (or at least conventional dating) doesn't work for everyone. It doesn't work for me, because I can't flirt, can't tell if someone is "partner material" in a short time, and most importantly, I have to be friends with new people first, which seems an alien idea for most people who are trying to date. So if dating doesn't feel natural to you, don't force yourself to date. Just meet new friends in an organic way, open yourself up at your own pace, and go with the flow. Maybe a relationship can blossom from a friendship unexpectedly. :)

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That's basically my problem too, I hate the whole idea of dating, yet I want to get married and have kids one day? :wacko:

Just get out there and meet people and be yourself, really. Somebody is bound to be like that too. There's an asexual dating site, there are also websites that organize asexual meet ups all over the place.

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I'll have to echo Starrynight.


Being friends with someone is a lot better then dating someone you don't know. Of course there's always that chance you'll fall for someone who doesn't like you back, but it's worth the risk. Less pressure, you can take it easy and take your time. You really get to know a person before you make that next step.
I've found that by entering a relationship with a friend (my current partner), you often retain that friendship element. When you date someone you hardly know, it's a lot harder to do that because you're in a romantic relationship right from the start.

I can't flirt, and I don't enjoy it. I'm very intellectual, not great with emotions. I'm incredibly reserved, and very controlling of how much I open myself up to people, if at all. And, I prefer to listen to people talk than to talk about myself.

Opening up, that becomes better with time. Especially when you're close to someone. I used to have that issue, but you get better with that when you've found that special someone (even if they don't like you in that way). Start with small things, and work your way up. I have difficulty dealing with other peoples emotions, and often don't understand why people feel the way they do.

Another way of doing things is a long distance relationship. You can easily just listen to them, and you'll have time to work on those emotions slowly. Some Asexuals choose to do it this way.

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For me, dating is very easy, even though I'm a private person and don't open up relatively easily. I find that asking the other person a lot of questions works best. This way, you learn whether or not you're compatible with them, and they get to talk about themselves (which a lot of people really enjoy).

If you've tried online dating, then you know that you can message and email before actually meeting. For those who are shy, awkward, or private, I would advise spending a lot of time in this online correspondence phase. You'll start to trust the other person more and open up before you even see them in real life.

Dating aside, I like being friends with someone first and then moving on from there, mostly because I find people's personalities and their compatibility with mine more attractive than first impressions. In fact, I can see someone and have a great first impression, want to try them out, then figure out that while they are a wonderful, kind, attractive person, I want nothing romantic with them at all.

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You just have to accept that dating isn't fun, not even for sexual people. It fucking sucks, and it will always suck.

That being said, there is an art to it, just like there is an art to writing resumes, paying your bills, or organizing your sock drawer. If you are serious about finding a significant other, or life partner, you will invest in a life coach, buy a new wardrobe, and start reading up on the psychology of dating. Yes it's a big job, but it's worth it.

Then you go out and meet as many people as you can. See if there are any single's events in your city, speed date, internet date. Don't take rejection personally, and follow your instincts about people. You may have to talk to 400 people before you find someone you like, this is normal.

Once you find someone you like,try and get to know them better. Don't judge them based on your past relationships, or your personal hang-ups. try and see them as an individual. Sometimes feelings take a while to develop. Remember, our brains run on chemicals and hormones. Let the chemicals marinate for a while, and see what happens.

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The problem people have with dating is they're afraid to be themselves, afraid to say something or do something and they spend more time sitting there in silence and analysing their every move that they never end up doing or saying anything. They're always scared because they want to impress the other person and don't wanna do or say something that might turn/put the other person off. This is just being false to not only them but yourself too.
This will just cause catastrophic failure from the get go because the date will either be a shambles or if it gets to further dates or possibly a relationship they were never themselves and then when true personalities start to come through you both realise you don't go well together in a relationship.

So the age old advice of be yourself is basically it. Just talk about what interests you or if you feel you can't straight away just make small talk to begin with, both you and them will be nervous, the first date or two is the hardest and so both of you should expect things to be a little awkward and that there will be silences in places. If you think you have something funny to say then say it, don't back out because if you constantly back out of saying things to consider saying then neither of you will have a good time.

If all else fails, just imagine them on the toilet having a crap and you'll realise they're Human just like you. lol

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Just meet new friends in an organic way, open yourself up at your own pace, and go with the flow. Maybe a relationship can blossom from a friendship unexpectedly. :)

This seems to be what works for me. All of my boyfriends are friends first. I'm in a similar boat (or I will be once I finish school) where I am trying to figure out how to navigate dating in a place where I haven't really had any luck making friends.

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I'm with Starry on this, I've got 3 online dating profiles as well (2 of which are on asexual specific sites), but I've got almost zero expectation for any of them. Online dating's about casting a huge huge net, and whether people are conscious of it or not they're more picky than usual. As asexuals, we still face the same issues as regular online daters, but our net is going to be a lot smaller in addition.

All I can recommend is that you don't rush it. When you chat with someone, don't let romance be the end goal. I enjoy conversations when they flow a lot more naturally.

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There has been a lot of good advice. Allow me to add that even the term "dating" can add way too much stress to an otherwise fun time. Even with my husband, if something is labeled a "date," I feel a lot of pressure to be romantic and intriguing and perfect in every way. That's no fun.

If there is someone you are interested in, make an effort to talk to them. You don't have to flirt. Get to know more about them and then share little tidbits about yourself. Hang out with them. If you're not comfortable having normal conversations with a person, there is no way you should date them. Just don't rush to put labels on things.

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