Why do you say you're Gray-A?

[violachick]

In the FAQ section of this website,

"I really want to have sex with people I love but when I do I feel nothing and it's horrible. What's wrong with me?

If you don't enjoy sex or find it deeply disappointing this might be

because you don't actually want sex, you want your idea of what sex is."

When I read this question and answer in the FAQ section, it resonated with me instantly.

I was just reading through the thread and found this, and I feel like a curtain has been pulled away or something haha. I think everyone grows up with an idea of what sex is, from the media or stuff we read (or porn, ugh) what have you, and then when anyone actually has sex it's never what they thought it was going to be. But the difference maybe is when sexual people do it, they still enjoy it, while when asexual people do it they are either apathetic or made uncomfortable by it.

[confusedbutsure]

i was specifically put off by having to pleasure this guy i once had sex with (because everyone says sex feels awesome :rolls eyes:).

[Ayn]

There are so many people I can relate to in this thread I wouldn't know where to start quoting^^ It's nice to know I'm not alone. I guess the difficulty with identifying as Gray-A is that everyone experiences it differently. As for me, I can probably relate to 3 of the definitions in the wiki:

• do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes

When I'm in a long-term relationship, I almost never feel sexual attraction. It does happen sometimes, but it's very very rare and I don't really know why.

• experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them

I love to imagine sexual situations, sexual tension between people in particular is something I find really fun and interesting. This concerns mostly fictional characters, i.e. I enjoy reading fanfictions exploiting the sexual tension between characters. In those cases, I will usually feel stimulated... but it's like the stimulation stays in my brain (thus, brain-sexual lol). I don't feel any need to act on this physically.

• people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances

This has been true for me at the beginning of my relationships. I think it's strongly related to the fact that I enjoy the flirting and the tension. But once the relationship is established, I lose all interest in sex. I usually feel forced to do it, and it get to a point where I find myself repulsed by the idea of doing it.

Someone also posted this extract of the FAQ:

I really want to have sex with people I love but when I do I feel nothing and it's horrible. What's wrong with me?

If you don't enjoy sex or find it deeply disappointing this might be because you don't actually want sex, you want your idea of what sex is.

When I said that I'm interested in sex at the beginning of relationships, it's not exactly that. I really enjoy the flirting and the seducing. But I don't really care about the sex, I'm just doing it because I guess it's "supposed" to end in sex. Truthfully, I've never felt anything interesting during sex, it's like... doing sports naked? That really freaked me out at first because society teaches us that sex is "the best thing ever", and thus I couldn't admit to anyone that I didn't enjoy sex. Truth is, I'm much happier with only kissing and cuddling in a relationship.

[Godot]

I experience sexual attraction but don't act on it. I've learned from experience that I'm not interested in flings, nor do I want to enter a relationship based on sexual desire. I cannot understand people who do. So many relationships are based on lust and it boggles my mind. I find them so empty.

[Meihua]

I feel my level of sex drive and attraction varies over time. It's not day-to-day; as in, I don't wake up saying "I think I'm going to be sexual today". Usually it's over a course of weeks; I'll have several weeks of no sex drive or attraction whatsoever and be completely repulsed, then maybe feel attraction and desire, and sometimes I feel desire but no attraction. Because of this, I feel Grey-A fits best, though masturbation has never really done much for me... it's just uncomfortable and feels unnatural. Or maybe it did work once and my ideas are just warped from seeing the way it's portrayed in movies and stuff... I'm pretty naive.

My sexuality's fluid, pretty much. I notice arousal happens a lot more easily for me when I'm around someone I trust and enjoy the company of, even if I have no attraction to them whatsoever.

[imod]

I experience sexual attraction rather rarely, and can't really remember if ever had any actual desire to have sex with anyone (very low sex drive, I guess? though I did have sex anyway).

[Misbegot]

I think I've posted in here before, but I've been doing a lot of questioning recently and am beginning to have a different opinion. I realized that I do find people physically attractive, frequency ranging from sometimes to often, but when I've been in a relationship in the past most of this has just disappeared. It's possible that I'm just attracted to anyone I find unfamiliar but interesting.

[buttcheekasaurus-rex]

I know this must sound like a stupid question, but before understanding about my asexuality, I had sex (one partner, multiple times), but not actually enjoyed it. Does that make me a gray-A or it would only make me one if I actually enjoyed it?

[confusedbutsure]

From what I understand, grey A's may get attracted but do not generally act on it or they have low sex drive. I think the fact that you haven't enjoyed sex with your partner means that you're an asexual, but you may find more about yourself as you experience different kinds of relationships? Maybe you'll find that you enjoy sex with someone you connect on an emotional level?

[heart_of_scars]

I feel my level of sex drive and attraction varies over time. It's not day-to-day; as in, I don't wake up saying "I think I'm going to be sexual today". Usually it's over a course of weeks; I'll have several weeks of no sex drive or attraction whatsoever and be completely repulsed, then maybe feel attraction and desire, and sometimes I feel desire but no attraction. Because of this, I feel Grey-A fits best, though masturbation has never really done much for me... it's just uncomfortable and feels unnatural. Or maybe it did work once and my ideas are just warped from seeing the way it's portrayed in movies and stuff... I'm pretty naive.

My sexuality's fluid, pretty much. I notice arousal happens a lot more easily for me when I'm around someone I trust and enjoy the company of, even if I have no attraction to them whatsoever.

Yeah I can relate.

It's like one day, if I see someone and I think I could have a one night stand with them, no problems. Then a couple weeks later, I'll be the opposite (almost repulsed..?) by the idea of having sex with a random stranger. And I wish those 'aww' moments involving the guy realizing he likes the girl does everything he can to be with her, blah blah, in movies played out exactly in real life. (Hopeless romantic here *sigh*) then I have to remember there are a lot of horny perverted guys in every day life.

[Rising Sun]

I consider myself as demisexual because of some fantasies and the fact that I can enjoy sex. But I'm not really sure if I'm really demisexual or asexual (I just know for sure that I'm demiromantic), because my sexual fantasies are not centered on sex but are almost always centered on sensuality and tenderness. Sex can be involved or not. So, does it mean that I can feel sexual attraction or do I research something else through sex (intimacy involving sometimes sexual pleasure) ? It's a very good question and I have no answer for the moment. Anyway, I know that my level of sexual attraction is very weak, if it exists.

[Ferigal]

I personally identify as demisexual because I experience physical reactions to some sexual situations but I almost never experience a desire mentally for sexual activity. I always felt different from my heterosexual peers in high school because I didn't look at a woman and think about whether or not I would want to have sex with her.

I'm also heteroromantic, so I experience such desires toward women when a suitable romantic bond has been created but until that's there I have next to no interest in sex (almost to the point where I wonder if I'm actually asexual).

[confusedbutsure]

i think in my whole life till now i've been sexually attracted to one person. just one.

[joalforward]

My problem is based on limited circumstances and low libido and makes me feel I would "be best" somewhere between asexual and gray:

Potentially TMI!!!

Limited Circumstances: My mind goes blank during vaginal intercourse.

Low Libido: Many years ago I had a very high libido, but once I discovered that many people want vaginal intercourse it sank tremendously. I am sooo willing to do so much for a partner, in and out of bed, (including vaginal intercourse) but I hate feeling like I have to finish in a vagina or in a condom every time and not other places too. It is difficult for me to remain aroused if I know I have no potential for other things and perhaps since my last relationship was this way I feel as if I am grey or maybe completely asexual (my drive can be *very* easily taken care of personally). All of this, and the lack of other people like me makes me feel quite alone. I used to think I was so "normal" and that everyone had some fetish and I could just "trade" their fetish for anal and intercourse would happen on occasion and it'd be no big deal. Having had a relationship and having had tremendous difficulty delivering intercourse has really made me rethink things and it might take another relationship or two for me to make sense of it all.... but I don't want to burn through people just for the sake of having sex, it isn't that important to me now.

So, for now, grey?

[ChocoboFFA]

I don't bother tryin g to say im gray, I just say ace now because then I don't get the stupid well you are a sexual then....

[iamphoenixfire]

I identify as grey/demi because I fit into most of the definitions of the wiki. I do not feel sexual attraction very often, if not at all. However, I am curious as to how it all works and how it all feels. as I do have a sex drive and do enjoy pleasing that sex drive, but by myself. Also, I've never even been kissed or had a boyfriend. And if I do feel sexual attraction, I don't feel the need to act on it, and only happens in certain circumstances, like when I have an emotional bond with that person. However I am also demiromantic which means that I have to have an emotional bond first, and then romantic attraction, and then maybe that attraction will become sexual. It is very complicated. But grey/a and demi seem to fit the best, as both fit in different ways. I don't really know which one I would say.

[Alphaprocess]

1..3 really. I've enjoyed it from time to time but more enjoy the physical closeness. I don't though feel what guys are apparently supposed to feel, this constant preoccupation with sex. I used to think they were making it up - perhaps some exaggerate it, but it is an obsession I don't share. I love being in bed with someone and holding onto them but not certain that I need to have sex as part of that.

[slant]

I identify as this on a personal level because the idea of being in a romantic relationship and being obligated to having sex with a partner (or else the term 'withholding sex' be applicable) is depressing to me. I have sexual thoughts and urges so randomly, sometimes frequently for a period of time, sometimes rarely for a period of time, that to identify as sexual and have another person expect me to carry out sexual acts regularly would be torture. It helps me to also evade the demands of people thinking I should get into a relationship, because they can then understand how my lack of desire for the obligation of giving sex to a partner would limit my amount of suitors and thus there is less pressure to get into a relationship because of the limited pool. And I just ultimately feel more comfortable saying, "Hey, I am kinda sexual, just not to a degree that society would deem me sexual nor to a degree that I would be wanting to express that sexuality".

[Dimitra_Blud]

I'm not so sure if I am. I just stumbled across this word recently to be frank. :D

I guess I call myself grey because, although I've never had the desire to have sex, I do find myself attracted to men. And I do fantasize (all with strange fetishes but never with actual intercourse) about the guys I have crushes on which is why I kind of think I'm a little demi. I dunno. I find all this to be rather confusing. Also, I find two attractive men making out to be a turn on sometimes (typically when it's my two crushes or anime characters). I don't know if that kicks me out of the asexual group as a whole, lol, but I through myself in the grey.

[Jubbles]

I identify as this on a personal level because the idea of being in a romantic relationship and being obligated to having sex with a partner (or else the term 'withholding sex' be applicable) is depressing to me. I have sexual thoughts and urges so randomly, sometimes frequently for a period of time, sometimes rarely for a period of time, that to identify as sexual and have another person expect me to carry out sexual acts regularly would be torture. It helps me to also evade the demands of people thinking I should get into a relationship, because they can then understand how my lack of desire for the obligation of giving sex to a partner would limit my amount of suitors and thus there is less pressure to get into a relationship because of the limited pool. And I just ultimately feel more comfortable saying, "Hey, I am kinda sexual, just not to a degree that society would deem me sexual nor to a degree that I would be wanting to express that sexuality".

Perfect! That's exactly it!!!! To evade this insanely pressure onto sexual relationships and simply because my sex drive isn't the same as the majority of everyone else. Different is good! (I'm not alone, yay)

[rocketsteady]

I identify as grey/demi because I fit into most of the definitions of the wiki. I do not feel sexual attraction very often, if not at all. However, I am curious as to how it all works and how it all feels. as I do have a sex drive and do enjoy pleasing that sex drive, but by myself. Also, I've never even been kissed or had a boyfriend. And if I do feel sexual attraction, I don't feel the need to act on it, and only happens in certain circumstances, like when I have an emotional bond with that person. However I am also demiromantic which means that I have to have an emotional bond first, and then romantic attraction, and then maybe that attraction will become sexual. It is very complicated. But grey/a and demi seem to fit the best, as both fit in different ways. I don't really know which one I would say.

Except for the part where you mostly don't feel the need to act on it (I'd gladly have sex with someone I'm emotionally involved with just to make her feel good, etc. whether I'm sexually attracted to her or not), this describes me perfectly! Finally! :D

[unknownpleasures]

I have never had much of a sex drive; however, during the last two years, I have taken a drug, Cymbalta, which has squelched it almost completely. Far from finding this effect disturbing, as do most Cymbalta users, I find it liberating and focusing. I don't ever want to go back to my "normal" state--which by most standards would be rather low.

In this frame of mind, I can see how subtly sexuality can distort perception and reason.

Sadly, I can't talk to any of my beloved friends about this. One friend said my ideas were "crazy." Another could see the abstract appeal, but couldn't imagine actually making the "sacrifice."

Another side effect of Cymbalta is that my need for emotional and intellectual intimacy has actually been amplified. This contradiction has been somewhat difficult to juggle.

Be Well and Happy :)

[caffeine]

I can't say I've identified as gray-A yet - I'm in the process of placing myself on the spectrum. But I feel this is the part of the spectrum that fits me best because it pretty much describes my experience so far. I've been attracted to few people but usually the attraction is purely in my head, not in my body. I very rarely tend to get physically drawn to someone and when I do, it doesn't necessarily have to end with sex. What's even more confusing is that usually the stronger the attraction, the less need for sex with the object of attraction.

While I do have some sexual drive, it's generally strong enough only with a person I'm really comfortable with, and it has to be nurtured - it's not the "jump your bones" instinct that's considered "natural" in my surroundings. I'm not in any way or form against sex - I find some of the activities pleasurable, and I gladly participate when I see that the other person is in the mood.But my libido is just not strong enough for me to initiate anything. Which is starting to cause trouble in my relationship :/

The fact that sex is pretty much center of a lot of conversations around me, all the pressure to praise it, love it, do it, talk about it - lately I'm noticing it more and more, and it's making me feel uncomfortable, like there's something wrong with me for not being able to see what the hype is about. So basically I chose to focus on the grey A in AVEN because it's broader and it gives me space to try to learn more about myself.

[mayve]

experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them

Above. Though sexual attraction/drive is uncommon for me, so I'm closer to the "standard" asexual.

People may say grey a isn't asexual but I still very much identify as asexual. Whatever.

[paperviolets]

I'd identify as grey-a/demisexual because whilst I experience a sexual drive sometimes I don't really/rarely want to act upon it. Mostly, it just feels like I'm playing pretend if someone forced me to go and ''chat up'' someone I'd said as a passing comment was cute/attractive, partly out of social insecurity but also because I wouldn't like to make any impression that I felt was false. Hence why I sometimes find myself in the position of 'leading people on' because all I've wanted is a good friend and a strong emotional connection, or just found them good looking but not actually wanted anything past cuddling/kissing and then felt empty/not attached much past that and with no desire to do anything further.

Although, having said that, (as I saw earlier on the thread) I've kissed a few strangers when drunk - but that was probably because I was socially insecure (it was in the first few months of first year and since I've looked back and cringed at my behaviour) and my inhibitions were lowered/desire increased to make my brain think "meehhh okay." Especially in a very sexually driven place such as University with lots of young adults in one place where people's sexual exploits etc. are discussed on the regular, I feel little or no interest in what people might be saying about sex - mainly because I don't know quite what they mean/feel because I've never experienced. If I do, it's probably out of curiosity, not any real desire to do it myself.

So, yep?? That's kind of my explanation anyways. I don't identify as 'sexual' because I have no desire to really do much beyond kissing/feel uncomfortable with it and like to form emotional connections with people than think "hmm yep, would tap that" (which even regarding celebrity crushes, I've never thought really!)

[Chanter]

I can't say I've identified as gray-A yet - I'm in the process of placing myself on the spectrum. But I feel this is the part of the spectrum that fits me best because it pretty much describes my experience so far. I've been attracted to few people but usually the attraction is purely in my head, not in my body. I very rarely tend to get physically drawn to someone and when I do, it doesn't necessarily have to end with sex. What's even more confusing is that usually the stronger the attraction, the less need for sex with the object of attraction.

The fact that sex is pretty much center of a lot of conversations around me, all the pressure to praise it, love it, do it, talk about it - lately I'm noticing it more and more, and it's making me feel uncomfortable, like there's something wrong with me for not being able to see what the hype is about. So basically I chose to focus on the grey A in AVEN because it's broader and it gives me space to try to learn more about myself.

Precisely this! You've pretty well nailed my own experiences, up to and including the still placing myself on the spectrum part of things. I suppose this validates both our experiences as possible greys? Graces? Whatever the term is.

[Wisdom]

Because this page is funny and everybody here invents a name for their sexuallity. I'm not saying it's bad, but just sorry I find it funny.

[Wisdom]

I don't agree with you guys.

If you experience sexual desire and pleasure with someone you are not asexual. That's a sexual person just romantic of all the life "of God" (sorry, it's an Spanish expression idk if you use). You just have not find the right person to discover you sexuality.

If I found that with some woman I can have sex and enjoy it, I will never say I'm asexual, just sexual. Maybe sexual with low libid, but not asexual. Asexual, as the word says, is "no sexual". Just don't experience sexual attraction. If they change that (though it's difficult to change a real sexual orientation) then they are not asexual.

Sexuality is a very wide spectrum. If you want people to take you seriously, how will they if you say "you don't like sex except if some requirements are joined"... Then of course they will think that asexuality is a stupidity. Everybody has a different libido and sexual desire.

Asexuality should be the total ausence of it. The other is like being bisexual, it can be, but is not the same as being homosexual or heterosexual.

[Rising Sun]

As I explained in one of my previous posts (I don't remember if it was on this topic or another), there is a grey-A spectrum. Grey-As are just as diverse as sexuals and asexuals, maybe even more. Some identify more as sexuals, some others more as asexuals. There are even some who don't even know if what they experience is sexual attraction or not. I don't even know for sure if I'm really grey-A or just asexual. Would you want to exclude people like me from the asexual community just because I have doubts ? I'm glad that the word "grey-A" exists, so I can understand myself better. The truth is far more complicated than your personal experience about grey-As, they're not all low sexuals with a low sex drive. Please don't be judgemental towards something you don't fully understand.

[mayve]

You just have not find the right person to discover you sexuality.

Asexuality is defined by a lack of sexuality. So how 'bout you not.

This thread isn't asking you whether grey-a's are asexual or not, so take it to the hotbox.