Why do you say you're Gray-A?

[Dahlia Blues]

As a newbie, I am still navigating but I think identifying as Grey helps me to breathe.

1) I prefer emotional, intellectual and aesthetic stimuli to sexual ones

2) I do not prefer intercourse but sensual intimacy instead

3) I become anxious with the expectation to perform sexually in order to maintain intimacy

4) I may be inconsistently attracted over periods of months and years (metaphorically like experiencing sudden erectile dysfunction or cycles of anorexia/bulimia) and I find this impossible to explain to partners and have always masked/faked it until now. I have practiced avoidance techniques many times but also indulged gluttonously at other times just so that I may redeem myself in the eyes of a beholder...because afterall, I want to be held close: I do not stand up well to a deficiency of tender singular loving care.

5) I am autoerotic (I masturbate, but also in a cyclical fashion, I can go for months without touching myself)

6) I never seem to think about sex/ talk about sex or "get" what people are making such a fuss about, and find myself embarrassed by my disinterest, and alone in my feeling when all is said and done that penetrative intercourse isn't really always my cup of tea.

7) I am not comfortable with the experience that touching, kissing, caressing, smelling, tickling or other signs of affection, and desire inextricably must be leading to intercourse. It is possible to yearn for sexless fusion, sexless touching, sexless sweating.

8) I am typically flustered with the partner question of whether or not I cum, as if I were duty bound to experiencing the big O.

[Kevvy]

I'm not exactly sure, but I think I fall into the Grey Zone...

The naked body does nothing for me; I think it's fairly ugly, to be honest. I'm a bio-female who is attracted to masculine/androgynous folk...but honestly? I can't see the appeal in anything underneath the clothes. If somebody exposes them self, I can't help but retch.

I can appreciate an attractive face (by my weird standards), and I do get crushes every now and then, but I'd have to love someone to do anything sexual with them...and I've never loved anyone romantically. Doesn't help that I'm not comfortable talking about emotions, though...

[iforgetlikeanelephant]

I consider myself Gray because yeah, sometimes I do think "hmm maybe I could be sexually attracted to so-and-so" but I can never imagine actually going through with sex. I did my experimentation with a girl and while I loved kissing her when we got to the bedroom I felt nothing below the waist (didn't feel anything below the waist while kissing either really).

[alpacaterpillar]

Doubting my greyishness again because I'm wondering if I'm not actually experiencing sexual attraction and only sexual arousal to stimuli...

I was SURE I quite definitely knew the difference between sexual arousal and sexual attraction, but now I feel confused all over again...

[Words-hurtxWords-heal]

The second point is why I identify as Grey-A: I experience sexual attraction, but have a low sex drive. I can immediately tell if someone's physically attractive, and also find a person more attractive once I develop romantic feelings for them, but I've no desire for sexual intimacy. I enjoy sensual contact, but anything involving the genitals is off-putting for me. Showering a partner with physical affection like kissing and touching is something I have to do, but I never want it to transform into a sexual encounter. It's a way of expressing how much I appreciate them, just as surprising them with gifts or a night out would be. Like staking a claim on them as mine.

Sometimes it seems a lot simpler to simply call myself asexual, since I function as one, but I've got to be honest with myself in that I do experience sexual attraction - if not any sexual desire.

[cognition]

I'm still considering how I self-identify but I am glad I found this board and this thread in particular.

Thanks, everyone. :)

[Unnursvana]

Hmm, I always thought that the description on Gray-Asexuality that I found on Avenwiki fitted me better then the description on Asexuality. I have felt some sort of a sexual attraction before, but never felt like doing anything about it or act on it. I have a very low sex drive. It doesn't bother me, gross me out or make me feel uncomfortable, I sort of don't mind it, but I never feel like expressing it out loud or doing anything about it. It does feel linked to my menstrual cycle and sometimes I have tried to go on to porn-sites when I feel somewhat sexual aroused but that has never done anything it for me and it just sort of goes away after a little while so I really don't bother about it... but I have sort of given up on doing much about it, since it usually doesn't work. I just get bored or end up fining it quite uninterested.

Like I said, I am not bothered by it, I don't find it gross, but more so I just find the thought of it kinda boring an uninteresting but I do see myself having sex sometime down the line, but only if I ever get into relationship and my partner wanted to and I felt like I was "in the mood" for it, or something. The most accurate description of how I feel about the whole thing is sort of just meah! I rather be doing something else to be perfectly honest, but I don't really mind ether. I don't see myself ever taking the lead and asking someone for sex, but if someone asked me an if I felt like it then maybe... but idk... I have never been in a situation like that.

I find a lot of people attractive and physically pleasing, but I never really feel like doing anything with them. A lot of people are all "I would bone him" or "I wouldn't kick him out of my bed" but I feel like I probably would kick them out of my bed, since I find the thought of sex kinda boring and I have never looked at someone and even thought that I would want to "bone them". I usually don't even like describing my celebrity crushes or irl crushes (thought I haven't had one in a while) as hot or sexy or anything like that. I tend to just go "oh preeety" or "cutie".

It does tend bother me thought that some people might think that I think about my celebrity crushes in a sexual way, because I just don't do that. Also fuck, marry, date/kill is a big no no for me. I just see the word fuck and I just go meah! I don't feel like it, at all.

[know_yourself]

Hello! I'd say I'm gray-A because I quickly lose interest in sex in my relationships. But I think that this is more because of the stereotypes around what sex should be like in a hetero relationship than because of sex itself. But I still don't know.

By the way, I do not want to be offensive but thinking that sex is "bad" is like thinking that eating or giving birth is bad. Moral aversions are not a sexual orientation but prejudices and often irrational ideas. Why would a physical act be bad? This is my opinion, especially after having met many people from the Catholic church in my country who share this point of view, but are not asexual at all! And they keep on telling everybody they can reach that sex is dirty, and evil, and sinful and all that.

Imagine people would tell you that eating is evil and sinful and dirty. Or sleeping.

I advise everybody to revise their ideas on what is bad and dirty and THEN to go on and chose what they like or not, without prejudice.

[BellaRiddle]

I have a sexual fetish for the sensation of fabric and air on girls' bodies.

In simpler terms, I like seeing girls' skirts blow up.

Swear to God if I didn't see your country right under your name I would've thought you jumped out of a Japanese school manga XD

But is that pretty much the difference between gray-a and sexual? Because that's what had me confused for so long I would feel arousal but if I tried to direct it to a person or if somebody came on to me I would freak the hell out. I kind of wish I was either completely asexual or completely sexual, this half-way thing is kind of annoying <_<

That's how I feel (not the manga ;) ). I have what I would consider a high sex drive but it's usually directed at fictional characters I love/people I will never have. Whenever approached for a relationship I have absolutley no desire and can be a bit repulsed at the idea of kissing the person let alone doing anything more sexual. I like the idea of having sex with the right someone someday but don't care to act on it with anyone I know. For me I think the sex would be more of a secondary happiness. I see my partner being happy and enjoying himself while I enjoy the closeness and his reactions. Unless people actually have the time for me to explain it to them I just say that I'm straight and waiting for my soulmate/Mr. Right. And I don't see too much difference between the two since I think I could have a 'normal' sexual relationship with the right person.

[Tommy2700]

I guess this is the quintessential question that gave rise to this forum. I think that realization has become clearer for me over time. I have always felt "different" from the mainstream heterosexual population, and over time, I began to feel different from the gay & bisexual populations too. It may sound very weird or funny to some, but the truth of my gray-ness really clicked after watching several sci-fi fantasy shows - most importantly "Lost Girl" with Anna Silk, who portrays Bo (Ysabeau)- she's a bisexual succubus who needs to drain chi/life force of others to survive - male or female - it doesn't matter. I can identify with the desire to draw the energy of another into oneself. However, it was another character who appeared on the show, Roman, played by Damon Runyan (yeah, I know) that really made me feel sure of my gray-ness. He portrayed a Bacchus who was unable to directly experience sexual pleasure, but had made a deal with another Fae creature who would have intercourse with various male & female guests at Roman's club and psychically transmit their orgasmic experiences to him. This is really what interests me - experiences the sexual highs of other people without having to do the dirty work. The mechanics of sex don't interest me -it's the pleasure that does, and yes, I usually get there on my own, but would REALLY love it if I could experience the pleasure of countless others - a la "Strange Days" with Ralph Fiennes. The ability to Ingest pure pleasure without physical contact would be an ideal, in my opinion, and would free me from any body prejudices.

I've always had the desire to transcend the physical body and experience things outside of the body that conflicts with our sex & body obsessed culture. This is why I identify as Gray-A.

[Ashoka!]

• experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them

This, 100%

[RainbowAfterTheStormy]

I identify as gray-ace because I experience sexual desire and attraction, but under very limited circumstances. I feel really deep romantic attractions, but my sexual attractions don't occur terribly often. When I get into relationships I don't want it very often, and I really only experience desire when I'm ovulating. I view it like how we only eat certain foods on certain holidays. Kind of like pumpkin pie- I only have it once a year at thanksgiving. Not terribly often!

I'm too sexual to be asexual, but too asexual to be sexual.

[Issitoq]

I'm too sexual to be asexual, but too asexual to be sexual.

^ This. Exactly! :o

I'm kind of grey because I'm somewhat sexual - but that's not primary.

When I didn't know anything about the spectrum I thought I was pure 'sexual'. However it's not that easy.

I often find myself in need of intimacy - like cuddling, kissing - but nothing more. I get bored of 'having sex' easily. Erm. Yes, a few times I even had one-night-stands (with a person I've known for ages, hehe, being emotionally bound is a must!) but those memories were kind of uncomfortable later because I had to face: I'm not that 'sexual superman' at all.

"experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them" < And this!

As far as I remember, my ex just didn't get it and asked me many times - how I can be turned on so bad and 'not interested in having sex' at the same time..?

[MenthaPiperita]

I identify with all 4 points on the list, but at different times. Most times I identify as gray because I don't often experience sexual attraction, but occasionally do. And when I do experience sexual attraction, I usually don't feel a strong sex drive with it. But during the rare times when I do experience sexual attraction and drive, I usually don't want to act on them. Finally, though, there are very rare times when I want to act on the attraction and drive, but the circumstances have to be exactly right for me. But if I had to choose just one point that describes me most of the time, it would be the first.

[wallflower026]

I'm definitely the second reason (experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive).

In my one relationship to this point (long story), my partner made it clear to me that my sex drive was below normal

This is also a good way of putting it:

I'm too sexual to be asexual, but too asexual to be sexual.

[ashley286]

I think I can be sexual by myself. After I exercise a lot, I sometimes like to take care of things, so to speak. But I hate when other people touch me in any capacity, I would never engage in sexual activity outside of myself. I don't know if that's gray or not, but I don't identify as gray, I just wonder.

[HeartoftheNorth]

The third one for me.

[acdc1]

I call myself gray because I can feel sexual attraction to a person once I've formed a deep emotional bond with them.

Right now, I am intellectually attracted to someone. I enjoy talking to him, having deep discussions with him, and I like how he is kind, and giving, and honest. If he asked to be in a relationship with me, I would accept because I enjoy being around him as a companion. And yet, I'm not sexually attracted to him. He's a fine-looking guy, it just "doesn't do anything for me," so to speak. If we enter into a relationship, it may or may not lead to sexual attraction on my end. I don't know, which is why I define myself as demisexual.

[BuggLover]

I identify as Gray-A mostly due to the first point, I very rarely experience sexual attraction, but I also strongly idenify with the 2nd and 3rd points as well. I think I probably woulid be classified as having a low sex drive, and even when I have felt sexual attraction I think it's pretty mild compared to what other people seem to experience. I haven't felt sexual attraction in probably about 3 years... but I still would say I'm Gray-A because I don't know if I will feel it again in the future, for me it's always pretty sporadic, and it's never towards random people I don't know at all.

And on a side note, I remember reading or hearing somewhere that sex drive does increase during periods... I know one of my friends says that she is more attracted to scruffy brawny guys when it's around that time of the month.

[Bindaeyen]

I'm too sexual to be asexual, but too asexual to be sexual.

I'm really struggling on where I fall, but this pretty much sums up why I'm considering whether I'm Gray-A. Reasons 2 and 3 in the OP pretty much describe me. I definitely have a libido, and have experienced sexual attraction, but part of what complicates things is my gender history. I'm a trans woman, and both of these have plummeted since HRT(thank God! The libido was driving me insane and wasting so much of my time). The libido is around still(but greatly reduced), but the attraction has become pretty much limited to my partner. In addition, the attraction has never been that strong to begin with; as much as I might have enjoyed the fantasies, the idea of actually doing anything sexual for the sake of doing something sexual, outside of a relationship, is just...eww.

A good post I read on Reddit, that gave me a lot of food for thought, compared the fantasies to playing RPGs: I love slaying Dragons in Skyrim, but if I were actually there I'd hide inside a cabin.

In addition, while I enjoy it, even with my partner I don't really pursue sex. I'm completely fine with going without it for months as long as we cuddle and stuffs(and I have, since my partner has sex issues). It's cool when it happens but...ehh, the hugs and cuddling are way, way, WAY more important to me. Not to mention I'm realizing more and more how uncomfortable I am with hugging people other than my partner, and that I THINK it has a lot to do with the way I deeply associate the act with intimacy.

If I felt the way I do now my entire life I'd say I'm pretty clearly in the Gray-A area, but it's that pesky, Pre-HRT past that's got me confused.

[alpacaterpillar]

I love slaying Dragons in Skyrim, but if I were actually there I'd hide inside a cabin.

Wouldn't they burn down the cabin? Personally, I'd go for a bridge or a fort, maybe a cave. :P

[kainova]

the only time i really wanted to do it is when i have my period and most of the i don't experience sexual attraction to anything or don't want to act on it

[Jubbles]

I currently say I'm gray-a because my low drive is low, I can be sexually attracted to someone but I don't want and usually don't do anything to start something.

[Praxis]

I identify as gray-a for the breathing room primarily.

I love to flirt, and on rare occasion be sensual with people I do not know well.

I like the thrill of finding a new sexual partner, but the sex itself is not something I find all that interesting.

I become sex-repulsed when I feel like I am expected to have sex or when somebody overtly tries to seduce me.

[heja]

I start thinking I'm Gray-A because on very rare occasions I can experience sexual attraction. It happened very rarely and only after a strong emotional bond was there too. Also, I can be attracted to someone (again, extremely rarely), but I don't feel like doing anything sexual. (There is another thread on physical / aesthetic / sexual attractions. Lots of nuances&labels there too) Basically, I couldn't care less about sex, but I can still experience it under some circumstances. I guess I'm mostly asexual and rarely gray-asexual, demisexual.

[violachick]

I've begun to identify as gray because I do experience romantic attraction, sex drive and desire for physical closeness. However, I rarely experience sexual attraction and when I do choose to act on it, my body does not normally respond positively to sexual stimulus (including masturbating.) As of late I've almost stopped masturbating altogether and have absolutely no interest in sex with others. I do still like cuddling and light kissing, but am apathetic toward anything else.

[heart_of_scars]

I took a test on the the Internet just for and I got demisexual/grey-a as my result lol. I can identify with being both a sexual and an asexual being. I can feel sexually attracted to someone but I don't get an overwhelming urge to do something about it.

[MXC]

I call myself grey because I've been able to experience sex and enjoy it before knowing about asexuality. now I'm not more interested in it even if I know I can still enjoy some bits of it and do it with no probs in some circumstances. but I think I can live happily without it as I don't feel any need for it.

[midrashim]

I identify myself as Gray-A for the following reasons:

1. I prefer an emotional, intelectual, spiritual and interpersonal connection over sex, in fact I don't even pursue sex and I never think in anybody in a sexual way.

2. In rare ocations I feel something close to sexual attraction, I mean just as the main post of this thread, I feel that way 1 or 2 days before my menstrual cycle. I don't feel the urge to satisfy my desire with a sexual partner; thinking in people while I experience the sexual drive of my period just turns me off.

3. Even if I'm asexual, once I had a sexual partner, but I had tu cut it because I didn't felt comfortable with his high "sex drive", I never felt real sexual desire, it was just sensual (I wanted to kiss him hard and cuddling him like forever, but anything related to sex directly). I noticed then that I was capable to feel sensuaity, but not sexual desire, so I undertood I was in the gray gradient.

4. I feel sex-repulsed most part of the time, in fact, the only time I didn't feel that way AT ALL, was with the sexual partner I mentioned in point 3, but trust me: I didn't experienced any sexual attraction towards him.

5. I hate the pressure of feeling that I need to provide sexual pleasure to someone in order for them to stay with me.

6. I just feel really comfortable cuddling and kissing, I don't desire anytthing far from that.

[confusedbutsure]

i think i fall in the gray-sexual spectrum. experience sexual attraction but only if i have a very intimate and close relationship with that person. of course it is not necessary that i experience sexual attraction with everyone that i have a close relationship. also, i don't/can't act on that attraction. i like to cuddle with the person i have such a relationship with and was at some point in our relationship sexually attracted to him. however, the weird part is that the person is a gay man and i am not a man. so he has no desire to have sex with me and i have no desire to act on my sexual attraction. it works well enough. but it does make me sad that he is not an asexual person.