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Why do you say you're Gray-A?


GryphBop

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It's a UK euphemism too. In the US shagging is when you catch fly balls in baseball practice, or the fabric to make deep pile carpets.

But yeah, I don't like it when people talk dirty, at all, ever. I kind of just want to pretend sex doesn't even exist sometimes, yet I can still get turned on? I'm confused. :wacko:

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I think I identify with all of those in different ways. It's still really hard for me to explain... I feel sexual arousal but when I think, "Well do I want to have sex now?" the answer is 9 times out of 10 "Nope not really." Which is really hard to explain to sexual guys, unfortunately. I'm not repulsed by sex, I just don't care to do it. I believe there are other ways to have a sensual or sexual experience that are much more fun than plain sex.

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All four official reasons one might identify as greysexual fit me to a T. They perfectly sum up my sexuality.

I feel physical attraction far more than sexual attraction. There's a big difference for me. They're almost always fictional or famous people that I find emotionally/mentally attractive too.

I have no sex drive to my knowledge. I'm not sure what that'd be like.

Even when I do experience sexual attraction, it's nowhere near as intense as most people describe. It's like a tingle compared to a small explosion, a mere sprain compared to a broken bone.

I do desire sex with people I'm sexually attracted to. I hope I'd be able to enjoy it. I doubt it'd be mind-blowing to be naked and putting genitals with genitals - that sounds awkward and a little weird to me. But under the right circumstances, I think/hope I would enjoy it with someone I'm already intimate with and very attracted to.

My sexuality has always been such a grey area, I can't not identify as a grey ace.

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I find this whole gray area fairly confusing, I understand that, generally speaking, the idea is 'sometimes I get turned on', mostly with the caveat 'and only in specific situations' - yeah? It's actually the 'turned on' (i.e. sexual attraction) part that's still a mystery to me. There are certain people (men) with whom I've had excellent physical chemistry, regardless of whether I would categorize them as physically appealing. And that chemistry amounts to a definite desire for physical closeness, though not necessarily touching. Is that what everyone here's talking about in terms of grayness? Or is it really the full-on "omg, I want intercourse with that person A.S.A.P."? Is gray essentially another term for "really low sex drive" or do the folks here who identify as gray think of it as something else entirely?

And yeah I'm also in the "Caution: may be horny when drunk" category, but that never amounts to "want sex now!" more like "you are so attractive let's be drunk and dance and make out" The idea of the making out progressing to actual nakedness etc is a no-go. (i.e. Keep it in your pants, fellas.)

Sorry for all the newbie questions. Hope they're not making anyone cringe.

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I find this whole gray area fairly confusing, I understand that, generally speaking, the idea is 'sometimes I get turned on', mostly with the caveat 'and only in specific situations' - yeah? It's actually the 'turned on' (i.e. sexual attraction) part that's still a mystery to me. There are certain people (men) with whom I've had excellent physical chemistry, regardless of whether I would categorize them as physically appealing. And that chemistry amounts to a definite desire for physical closeness, though not necessarily touching. Is that what everyone here's talking about in terms of grayness? Or is it really the full-on "omg, I want intercourse with that person A.S.A.P."? Is gray essentially another term for "really low sex drive" or do the folks here who identify as gray think of it as something else entirely?

And yeah I'm also in the "Caution: may be horny when drunk" category, but that never amounts to "want sex now!" more like "you are so attractive let's be drunk and dance and make out" The idea of the making out progressing to actual nakedness etc is a no-go. (i.e. Keep it in your pants, fellas.)

Sorry for all the newbie questions. Hope they're not making anyone cringe.

For me its something entirely different. For others it probably is just really low sex drive. I experience sexual arousal fairly regularly and predictably, but it doesn't lead me to want to have sex. It may lead to a desire for other forms of physical contact, but at the end of the day, I don't really have any interest in letting somebody else relieve my sexual arousal.

Also, I doubt that many sexuals would fit in to the 'want sex now!' crowd.

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I believe there are other ways to have a sensual or sexual experience that are much more fun than plain sex.

Even though I've never had sex and therefore shouldn't make comparisons, I totally agree with your statement! For me, partnered dancing can be a very sensual experience that has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the harmonious melding of sound and motion. Likewise as a musician, I often feel I've achieved intimacy through singing or performing with a guy, which would be unattainable merely through bonking him.

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Kitty Spoon Train

I primarily think of myself as demisexual, but I've got quite a bit of more generalised grey-A tendencies in the mix as well, so I'll chime in with my two cents...

Probably the biggest thing that I feel distinguishes me from how most people seem to be sexually, is that partnered sex isn't really much of a "thing" to me, in and of itself. It's been almost six years since I've had it, and it might as well have been just six days, or six months, or whatever. And I can easily go without it indefinitely without feeling the urge to go out and get it - either via normal ways such as dating, or "dodgy" ways like paying a professional or whatever.

That entire world that is "sex-as-a-thing-in-itself" doesn't exist as a personal life motivator to my mind, essentially.

If everybody was like me, sex wouldn't "sell", in any way at all. It wouldn't be plastered all over advertising. There would be no strip clubs. There would be no prostitution. And none of that has anything to do with "morality". It's simply orientation. A total mental blank drawn at the idea that partnered sex is something to be had as a thing in itself, with some depersonalised category such as "females".

Hmmm, I guess this describes demisexual tendencies more than grey ones, but I think there's quite a bit of overlap anyway. :lol:

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I find this whole gray area fairly confusing, I understand that, generally speaking, the idea is 'sometimes I get turned on', mostly with the caveat 'and only in specific situations' - yeah? It's actually the 'turned on' (i.e. sexual attraction) part that's still a mystery to me. There are certain people (men) with whom I've had excellent physical chemistry, regardless of whether I would categorize them as physically appealing. And that chemistry amounts to a definite desire for physical closeness, though not necessarily touching. Is that what everyone here's talking about in terms of grayness? Or is it really the full-on "omg, I want intercourse with that person A.S.A.P."? Is gray essentially another term for "really low sex drive" or do the folks here who identify as gray think of it as something else entirely?

And yeah I'm also in the "Caution: may be horny when drunk" category, but that never amounts to "want sex now!" more like "you are so attractive let's be drunk and dance and make out" The idea of the making out progressing to actual nakedness etc is a no-go. (i.e. Keep it in your pants, fellas.)

Sorry for all the newbie questions. Hope they're not making anyone cringe.

I think I'm the opposite where I have a high sex drive but generally zero chemistry with people. I can be interested in them or find them aesthetically appealing, but there is nothing in me that will want to have sex with them (or even kiss them) until I see it as a relationship duty. My greyness comes from the fact that I do enjoy sex with my partner and I've fantasized about other people, but when I'm in the presence of someone and have no reason to choose sex with them versus masturbating, 99% of the time I won't even think about sex.

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I identify as gray-A because I don't experience any form of arousal, excitement, or other strong emotions at the sight or thought of people. Basically, there's nothing to mark people as attractive, or to mark me as feeling attracted. Even with my boyfriend, whom I love, I just feel a sort of generalized happiness when we spend time together, and when we're sexually (or nonsexually) intimate. I think the sexual attraction is there, only it doesn't seem to be anywhere in particular.

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LostInPhilosophy

[i think this describes me quite well... However, personally I do tend to have those hormone fluxes just prior to my menses... Its rather annoying cuz DH somehow senses it and .. grrrr i feel like he takes advantage of it... He knows i dont like sex and is constantly trying to convince me otherwise.. rather aggrivating.

I identify as gray-a because...

1. I desire emotional connections/best-friend-romantic relationships over sex.

2. I would rather eat something really delicious or have my hair played with over sex.

3. I don't want anything to do with sex/kissing, etc. if the individual makes me feel unattracted (based on personality) to them.

4. I hate the pressure of feeling that I need to provide sexual pleasure to someone in order for them to stay with me.

Identifying as gray-a makes this whole thing a lot easier - no pressure. I think with the right person, I might want to have sexual interactions - but it takes a lot for that desire to be roused.

I tend to be persuaded into having sex early on in relationships (due to pressure/expectation/societal norm) which doesn't usually pan out because then I realize that the person I am with is not someone I truly want to be with and things get messy, I lose all desire to be sexual with the person, and eventually the relationship falls apart.

I should mention that I still do feel aroused; most of my arousal is based on musings of close relationships when people are at a distance.

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the definition given in the OP describes me very well, although i identify as Demisexual (or maybe even as Gray-Demisexual, as some in this thread have suggested??).

i seriously thought i was asexual for a long time because i wasn't sexually attracted to anyone. there were no "gray/demi moments"-- i was essentially asexual back then. then i met my first partner when i was 18 and experienced a really strong romantic attraction for the first time, but even then it was a while before my love for him developed into sexual attraction. when it did, the attraction was relatively weak, which confused me even more. i was with that partner for 5 years and throughout those 5 years my sexual attraction towards my partner came and went until finally it was permanently gone.... blown out as if a candle flame by the wind that was the turbulence in our relationship at the time. this resulted in even more hard times between us...

now i am 27 and with my second ever partner of 4 years. once again i wasn't sexually attracted to him until several months into the relationship and once again my sexual attraction is still relatively weak. even now my sexual attraction comes and goes..... except now my partner is much more understanding of it and i am much more aware of myself. :)

i've always seen Demisexuality as a subset of Gray-Asexuality, but perhaps i'm wrong...?

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I'm pretty sure it is, because you're not completely asexual all the time but you're also not completely sexual, there are still certain conditions.

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Janus the Fox

I'm pretty sure it is, because you're not completely asexual all the time but you're also not completely sexual, there are still certain conditions.

Eh... It's best not to think of labels as 'meeting criteria'. There are absolutely no conditions to meet to legitimise the personal uses of sexuality or labels as a whole. People will use asexuality for personal reasons beyond established guidance from AVEN, it is not Gospel to uphold, it can get condescending, unsafe or potentially erasing to fit 'certain conditions to meet'.

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For me I'm a Gray-A because though I do experience some primary sexual attraction there is no motivation to act it.
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To be completely honest, I have problems with all those expressions... I know that you have nice explanations for every word and it`s meaning, but because english is not my native language I find it a bit confusing at times. Meaning: sometimes there is just too much different words and deffinitions and I am not sure what are you trying to say :D I don`t even know what exactly do I feel, let alone know how to write it. Does that makes sense? o.O If I try to tell it my way: so far I would consider mysefl grey, because I have felt uncomofrtable about subject of sex for my whole life and I have big problems with physical contact in any way, but I do like certain guys and sometimes have fantasies about trying something with them. I just erase everything "down there" out of that picture because I can`t stand it. So because of that I guess I cannot say I am asexual, but imo I fit in Grey-A. Sorry, I have no idea how to describe this otherwise...

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That's sounds like gray-A to me. I mean you don't need to worry about the labels too much, some people feel more comfortable when they have a word for exactly what they are feeling, but it all fits under the asexual spectrum.

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I'd say these three would all apply to me. I'm sometimes attracted to people, but not often. And I don't know whether the attraction is strong enough that I'd actually act on them. I'm sure I would as far as kissing, but don't know about sex. I have had sex in the past though and been fine with it. That's usually in the beginning of a relationship, then any desire I had tends to wane.


  • do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes
  • experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them

  • people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances

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For me Gray-A makes sense in that while I feel that asexuality as a broad category makes most sense of my experience thus far, I have experienced the blurry edges of desire and attraction from time to time-so for me Gray with a big bit of Demi as well!

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I'm grey/demisexual for reasons 1 and 4. I used to get romantic "crushes"on people I found intellectually or emotionally attractive but was repelled by the idea of sexual contact. After I developed a strong emotional bond with my current girlfriend over years of friendship, however, I became very sexually attracted to her---mind you, I'm not sure that my sense of sexual attraction is really the same as it is for the average sexual person---and I have a rather high sex drive within our relationship. With anyone else, though, I'm not interested and never have been, so that's why I identify as gray and demisexual.

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I'm exploring it because while I know that I do feel sexually attracted to and desire to do things with specific people once in a while, I've found that what incites it is almost exclusively non-physical or mental (flirty banter, imagining scenarios, the odd kink or two, etc) and either became muted when it stopped so we could get down to business or disappeared entirely. I never had any idea why intercourse was the worst part of the experience for me.

I don't experience sexual attraction often, my sex drive is low, and I may not find it pressing enough to bother with when it comes to both masturbation and sex, even if I have someone available. It might be something that's similar on the surface but entirely different when you get down to the details.

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Alanna's Armor

All of the points can fit me in some degree...the low libido is definite, I didn't even realize masturbating was non-hypothetical urge people had until after I left high school. I kinda lump the other three together in the sense that it took a long time in a specifically-sucessful relationship to want to squash genitals (or even have an instinct for roaming hands), and even then it goes on/off (sometimes at the worst times), and even then I can often push that urge to the side (again, at times that might not be good for the relationship). So I can feel sexual, but it takes a pretty precarious stack of events.

Damn, that's a lot of qualifiers. This grey stuff is a headache.

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I think of myself as a grey-a because it's easier. I haven't yet looked at myself in enough depth to know whether or not I'm a full ace. I certainly feel arousal, and attraction to plenty of people, but when I analyze that attraction I realize that it's not really sexual in any regard, and that it's not necessarily coupled with a desire to do anything with anyone save my fantasy. My general lack of experience is what stands between me and full knowledge.

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Hi, Misbegot. Welcome to the site! You don't really need to have any sexual experience to realize that it's not for you (or not for you except in certain circumstances), though I completely empathize that it can feel that way, especially when you just start to learn about asexuality. Arousal and fantasies are common among asexual people, though we tend not to connect that arousal with a desire to have sex with someone or to imagine ourselves as participants in our fantasies (this is my experience and also noted by Dr. Anthony Bogaert in his book Understanding Asexuality). I hope the site can be helpful for you in finding some information and direction about these things.

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Nah I get what Misbegot is saying. If you don't know how can you say for sure what you are? I've changed my identity three times since I've joined here, because I've learned so much (frankly I'm starting to think I only say gay-A because it's easier, I'm preeeeeetty sure I'm completely asexual, but honestly, who cares?)

But seriously, the best thing you can do is read up and be honest with your feelings, they won't lead you wrong.

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Er, I didn't say that anyone needs to decide on an identity---asexual, gray-a, or other---just that sexual experience (what I took Misbegot to mean by "experience") isn't necessary to make that decision, though I guess some people might find that it provides clarity. Maybe I misinterpreted "experience," and the word referred to experience with the asexual community or learning about the different kinds of asexuality, in which case, that was my bad.

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I didn't say you said that?

I was agreeing with Misbegot's not being sure because of the lack of experience. I mean you're right, you don't necessarily need experience, but you do need knowledge.

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Sorry if I misunderstood. I thought where you said,

Nah I get what Misbegot is saying. If you don't know how can you say for sure what you are? .

you were trying to make a contrary point, like you thought I had said that Misbegot should know what his or her identity is and you were disagreeing with that. I guess communication lines got crossed somewhere.

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Oh. Okay.

Really though, it would be nice if we could just intuitively know these things as soon as possible. It would cut out soooooo much hassle

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  • 2 weeks later...

I identify as grey ace because I've found I have a pretty big sex drive, but I'm totally fine taking care of it myself. Whenever I've found myself in a sexual situation with a partner, I've felt emotionally disconnected...I was sort of super-analyzing things: 'okay now I have to touch this, and kiss that...' and check all the boxes until I got to orgasm. It's generally been difficult for me to be aroused with another person, but I'm fine masturbating on my own. I just don't really WANT another person in the middle of my sexcapades.

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I am evaluating myself right now in terms of gray-asexuality, because while I do sometimes experience what (I think) is sexual attraction, it has always been linked to symptoms of my psychiatric illnesses. So I don't know what it's like to experience 'normal' sexual attraction without obsessive, disorderly, and borderline psychotic thoughts. My current belief is that if it weren't for my bipolar schizophrenia-ness, I wouldn't feel any sort of sexual attraction. Sometimes I think my brain is trying to make connections and arouse feelings that are not really there -- which makes perfect sense because psychosis is, by definition, the creation of non-realities that are perceived as real. Perhaps these sexual feelings are no different than feeling fear in response to other non-realities, such as evil spirits, or any other feelings psychotic mood disorders create.

But since I will never be without my mental illness, I will never know, and in the meantime, even if it is only concocted like a dream is, I've decided that, based on how others describe sexual attraction, I do experience some version of sexual attraction. So I consider that 'gray-asexual' might be more accurate than purely 'asexual'. Another reason I consider that it's just mental nonsense, though, is that I've never experienced sexual attraction without simultaneous sexual repulsion for the person. It's like there's something fighting whatever sexual feelings are there.

Any one else experience anything remotely similar to this stuff? I've always thought it was pretty weird.

I can relate to what someone on this thread said, though, which is that I wish I DID experience true asexuality, fitting the definition that one doesn't feel any attraction toward either sex. Because I've never been interested in acting upon any attraction, I have no desire to become sexual, I don't feel I'm missing out on anything, I don't think lack of interest is a problem that in any way needs to be 'fixed', so I wish it would all just go away.

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