Charity sex - is it enough?

[BJvirgin]

For those sexuals who are with an asexual, and have a compromise on sex. I refer to this as charity sex, as I'm not sure if there's a better term for it. I don't mean for this to be a negative term.

Will it work long-term? Are you able to be happy knowing that your partner isn't having sex for their own enjoyment? Does it require some adjustment in your own mind to accept that. I know that it's done purely out of love, and that is important, but when the enjoyment isn't from both sides it seems a bit mechanical.

For those that do have charity sex with their partner, what's a typical frequency? I'm doubting it would be very frequent. Is it regular, or just on special occasions? I'm interested to know how that works, and how you deal with expectations/disappointment when it doesn't happen. The compromise seems to be between frustration for the sexual (not enough) and being a chore for the asexual (too much)

For those that have an open relationship, is sex with someone who want it but doesn't love you better/same/worse than sex with someone you love but doesn't want it?

I have no interest buying sex. There's needs to be some connection, otherwise what's the point. Maybe others feel differently, clearly they do as selling sex is good business. I don't want a poly relationship as I'm happy loving just my wife. A friend with benefits might be OK, although going there is a long way off yet, if ever.

[Lady Girl]

I'm satisfied with it...it's more a matter of thinking of it in terms of what each person is comfortable with. I prefer not to call it charity sex, it's just sex...I realize you don't mean it negatively. If you attach any term like that in front of it though, it's going to put a slant on it. So yeah, it's just sex.

I've tried the open option so yes, I can honestly say I prefer being with my husband. Sex outside the marriage was not satisfying for me, maybe it is for some people. It didn't work for me.

Compromising on sex just happens to be part of how my marriage works. Our frequency is approximately once a month and it doesn't always work out. I'm disappointed at best, sometimes upset.

I don't know how long term the sex is going to be. If it becomes less (which I suspect it will), I suppose I'll have to adjust. It's different for every couple.

[BJvirgin]

thanks, that's good to know

[Lady Girl]

thanks, that's good to know

I'm sorry if that sounded just cold with no feeling on my part. Sometimes it's hard to say how I feel and easier to just say how it is.

[BJvirgin]

not at all. your comment was very helpful. confirmed what I wanted to know, and comforting that there is hope. you never know if the grass is greener because it really is greener, or just seems that way. I dont want to look elsewhere thinking that it's a good solution, only to find it no better. it's a one way decision, which even though I'd only do it with permission, it is a risk to the trust we have for each other.

I'm sorry if that sounded just cold with no feeling on my part. Sometimes it's hard to say how I feel and easier to just say how it is.

[Touchofinsight]

I'm satisfied with it...it's more a matter of thinking of it in terms of what each person is comfortable with. I prefer not to call it charity sex, it's just sex...I realize you don't mean it negatively. If you attach any term like that in front of it though, it's going to put a slant on it. So yeah, it's just sex.

I've tried the open option so yes, I can honestly say I prefer being with my husband. Sex outside the marriage was not satisfying for me, maybe it is for some people. It didn't work for me.

Compromising on sex just happens to be part of how my marriage works. Our frequency is approximately once a month and it doesn't always work out. I'm disappointed at best, sometimes upset.

I've had sex outside the marriage and it was not better for me, maybe it is for some people. It didn't work for me.

I don't know how long term the sex is going to be. If it becomes less (which I suspect it will), I suppose I'll have to adjust. It's different for every couple.

Its true that if you give the sex a prefix or another term to precede it, it can be slanted one way or the other but for many it is true. Some people would rather have no sex then have sex with someone they felt they were forcing it on, other times some people can't continue on the relationship. Often times its essential for an individual's partner to enjoy sex and not just submit to it, that is what I believe builds the intimacy of sex for many. This is one of the reasons it can be very difficult to have a "mixed" relationship between asexuals and sexuals. For some issues there are no compromises, it then becomes about prioritization, what is more important or in some cases it just can't work out. That falls more into the family of sacrifice. I think the more negative term of what your referring to is called "Obligatory sex", the idea of being obligated to have sex that you agreed to on a compromise but don't enjoy. That generally doesn't work out well, or is a short term solution to a long term problem/issue.

[Lady Girl]

I think the more negative term of what your referring to is called "Obligatory sex", the idea of being obligated to have sex that you agreed to on a compromise but don't enjoy. That generally doesn't work out well, or is a short term solution to a long term problem/issue.

My husband feels obligated. He's said it, but I really did mean don't put a word in front of it, and what came to mind for me was gay or lesbian sex. I'm just going to go with sex. That's how I feel about it...the fact that it's sex within the boundaries of a compromise is telling enough for me without the added word in front...it's just me probably. I wouldn't ask for birthday sex either...I would call it sex on my birthday or no sex on my birthday. I know it's just semantics, but I'm going to venture a guess that some gay people might agree.

I think a lot of what you say about the sex involved in a compromise is very true though. It is somewhat of an adjustment to accept that the asexual partner would rather not be having sex. I think one thing that maybe helps the situation is that my partner doesn't want to split up, nor does he want an open or poly relationship.

[Ariesmom07]

I am one who would rather have no sex than mechanical "chore" sex. It takes all the fun out of it for me and is more of a turn off. Sex outside my marriage isn't an option for me..I've had a few one night stands in my life and quickly realized it isn't for me. I crave the emotional connection I have with sex more than the sex itself I think.

[Sally]

I used to think of it as necessary sex -- necessary to keep the relationship going. My ex-partner also had to deal with some things about me, so it wasn't as one-sided as it sounds. And he didn't know how I felt about sex.

[learningtocope]

I can relate to the feelings BJVirgin has, I have had difficulty coming to terms with it myself. My SO and I have always had difficulties in this area of our relationship. But things are getting better :D. Recently we discovered AVEN (it has been very helpful ^_^ ) and it has brought us much comfort reading the forumns on here. Comprimise has become a large part of our relationship and I can honestly it has helped our relationship.

[test account]

A post.

[pushover]

I am one who would rather have no sex than mechanical "chore" sex. It takes all the fun out of it for me and is more of a turn off. Sex outside my marriage isn't an option for me..I've had a few one night stands in my life and quickly realized it isn't for me. I crave the emotional connection I have with sex more than the sex itself I think.

For me, personally, I totally agree. Sex is more than "okay, I'm ready; let's do it". When I was younger, it sort of didn't matter, sex is sex; she's beautiful, let's go; but as I grew older, I started to really miss what it was all about, with some amount of expectation, arousal, emotion and then urgency for the closeness. As we both began to settle with the cause of the downslide and where we were at with that, it was not enough. We both still had our common love for each other, the ties of our children and grandchildren, and the lives we built within our community. But the sex, for me, was a huge hole in the union between husband and wife. As time goes on, it is her attempting to encourage me to loosen up and me who is slowly becoming celibut, as I can no longer handle the obligation sex (sorry, I said it because that's how I feel). Her encouragement is because of our love and that she wants me to be happy, but it's not the same. If this was ten years ago and I knew where I would be today, I believe we would have parted.

[Sally]

If this was ten years ago and I knew where I would be today, I believe we would have parted.

What about 5 from now? Will you still be complaining but not doing anything about it? Why -- do you figure your life is over?

[RMBooknerd]

Just joined the forum for this reason. I can't stand sex where I feel like he's only doing it to make me happy.

I'm sexual, my husband is not. He doesn't object to it, but he goes through cycles that can last a very long time where he will not seek it out, or is not interested at all, I'm not sure if that makes him asexual or not though I suspect he is or at least cycles in and out of it. Its not something I've been able to get him to discuss much and I don't think he realizes how much of my insecurity in our relationship and my own self image is based on his lack of interest. I joined this forum, because i'm trying to find that happy medium for us because there are times that I initiate sexual activity that it really ends up charity sex on his side. There are other times where he seems really glad we had sex. I think I'd be happy with infrequent sex if I wasn't the one initiating it every time, but I'm coming to realize that that isn't a realistic scenario because it just isn't something he thinks of initiating. On the other hand, I don't want him to feel like every intimacy is me trying to get sex. (though I wouldn't complain if we did!) I think that many of us who are sexual still have the whole love/lust/affection/regard/respect thing all tangled up in our minds, because for us they often are all linked.

I don't want any charity sex. If I initiate sex, and he isn't interested, I want him to shut me down. I want to know that even if he isn't going to initiate sex that when he accepts, that he is interested, even if he wouldn't have thought of initiating. I know this may be atypical for this conversation in that he is sometimes interested in sexual activity. Even if that interest is that he wants me to be happy, or wants me to have sex rather than his own sexual gratification. I just don't want him to feel obligated, like he has to have sex with me.

I also know that I'm having to remind myself that him not being interested in sex with me is not because I've done something wrong or gained too much weight or anything, but that he's simply not interested in having sex. I think the charity sex, when he feels obligated to have sex because we're married and I'm really wanting sex, hurts my self image more than when he says he just isn't interested.

I'm trying to find ways to nourish our relationship without pressing- or appearing to press- the issue of sex. I know that I married him, and there are things that will always annoy me about him, but the things which I find wonderful and loving and amazing certainly outweigh his tendency to not put away laundry or not want sex.

Now I just have to get that message back to my self-image LOL

[Down in Texas]

If this was ten years ago and I knew where I would be today, I believe we would have parted.

What about 5 from now? Will you still be complaining but not doing anything about it? Why -- do you figure your life is over?

Sally as I have posted in other post, the BRAIN is the largest sex organ in the human body. For ME as a sexual it is my mind that tells me when I want sex and it is the memories of the pleasure I have had and the longing of wanting to repeat those feelings that trigger the hunger to have sex. Then the disappointments kick in also. So as first the want kicks in, then the logical side that reminds me that it will not be what it was and can not be what it was, will always bring in a bit of pain. The level of that pain varies for me depending on other pressures in my life. If I am down to start with then yes the pain is as great as it was in the beginning but if it is just a day in ordinary time then my logical side can curb the pain and it is not as great. To me and what I have learned from MY gray A is that his mind doesnt work like mine. So therefore for us it basically all goes back to the function of the brain. There are different times that he is more receptive to my advances than others. just as for me there are times that I want him more than other times. I hope that helps.

Just joined the forum for this reason. I can't stand sex where I feel like he's only doing it to make me happy.

I'm sexual, my husband is not. He doesn't object to it, but he goes through cycles that can last a very long time where he will not seek it out, or is not interested at all, I'm not sure if that makes him asexual or not though I suspect he is or at least cycles in and out of it. Its not something I've been able to get him to discuss much and I don't think he realizes how much of my insecurity in our relationship and my own self image is based on his lack of interest. I joined this forum, because i'm trying to find that happy medium for us because there are times that I initiate sexual activity that it really ends up charity sex on his side. There are other times where he seems really glad we had sex. I think I'd be happy with infrequent sex if I wasn't the one initiating it every time, but I'm coming to realize that that isn't a realistic scenario because it just isn't something he thinks of initiating. On the other hand, I don't want him to feel like every intimacy is me trying to get sex. (though I wouldn't complain if we did!) I think that many of us who are sexual still have the whole love/lust/affection/regard/respect thing all tangled up in our minds, because for us they often are all linked.

I don't want any charity sex. If I initiate sex, and he isn't interested, I want him to shut me down. I want to know that even if he isn't going to initiate sex that when he accepts, that he is interested, even if he wouldn't have thought of initiating. I know this may be atypical for this conversation in that he is sometimes interested in sexual activity. Even if that interest is that he wants me to be happy, or wants me to have sex rather than his own sexual gratification. I just don't want him to feel obligated, like he has to have sex with me.

I also know that I'm having to remind myself that him not being interested in sex with me is not because I've done something wrong or gained too much weight or anything, but that he's simply not interested in having sex. I think the charity sex, when he feels obligated to have sex because we're married and I'm really wanting sex, hurts my self image more than when he says he just isn't interested.

I'm trying to find ways to nourish our relationship without pressing- or appearing to press- the issue of sex. I know that I married him, and there are things that will always annoy me about him, but the things which I find wonderful and loving and amazing certainly outweigh his tendency to not put away laundry or not want sex.

Now I just have to get that message back to my self-image LOL

You may try as I have learned, to tell him before you touch him that you are doing so for your own pleasure and that you are not expecting him to preform or recipricate. There are times that even after telling him this he becomes aroused and then wants sex too, and others, many others that he just allows me to stroke or play with him and he falls asleep and rolls over.

[Sally]

If this was ten years ago and I knew where I would be today, I believe we would have parted.

What about 5 from now? Will you still be complaining but not doing anything about it? Why -- do you figure your life is over?

Sally as I have posted in other post, the BRAIN is the largest sex organ in the human body. For ME as a sexual it is my mind that tells me when I want sex and it is the memories of the pleasure I have had and the longing of wanting to repeat those feelings that trigger the hunger to have sex. Then the disappointments kick in also. So as first the want kicks in, then the logical side that reminds me that it will not be what it was and can not be what it was, will always bring in a bit of pain. The level of that pain varies for me depending on other pressures in my life. If I am down to start with then yes the pain is as great as it was in the beginning but if it is just a day in ordinary time then my logical side can curb the pain and it is not as great. To me and what I have learned from MY gray A is that his mind doesnt work like mine. So therefore for us it basically all goes back to the function of the brain. There are different times that he is more receptive to my advances than others. just as for me there are times that I want him more than other times. I hope that helps.

I was replying to Pushover, DowninTexas.

[Agonizer]

This is a great thread.

I'm planning to start a conversation with my (less sexual) wife this weekend about how to make sex more fun for her.

I'm sharing this before the talk in case you guys have advice about discussing sex 'expectations' in a constructive, affirming, non-threatening way.

I am finally realizing that she doesn't have to like sex as much as I do or in the same way, but there is probably something she could like about it under the right conditions -- and I'm talking about real enjoyment for her, not just being pleased that I am pleased.

I just might have to do things differently in bed. I already have some hints, so now I'm going to ask some nice open-ended questions. "What do you like?" "What don't you like?" "What really annoys you?" "Where do you like variety, and where do you like consistency?" "How much communication do you want to have during sex?" "What kinds of things would you like to try?" "What would make you feel less stressed?" and my personal favorite, "What do you never, ever want to do?"

Any other ideas or insights that will help me? Other threads about this that I missed? I'll appreciate anything.

[test account]

A post.

[Sally]

This is a great thread.

I'm planning to start a conversation with my (less sexual) wife this weekend about how to make sex more fun for her.

Any other ideas or insights that will help me? Other threads about this that I missed? I'll appreciate anything.

Try not to go into the talk thinking that "surely, if we just do it right, she'll enjoy it." In other words, don't say, "How can we have sex so that you'll think it's fun?" That might be too much pressure.

[dragonfly2013]

Well glad I found this thread! Sounds like Lady Girl and I are practically twins!

Agonizer is sounding like me too!

I woke up one day and realized we hadn't had sex in years. So then spent years trying to fix it. Therapy together and separate. Then more years went by. What happened? I never signed up for this.

I sort of disappeared from who I used to be.

If my asexual hubby would have sex just to please me then I would take it. It would show the commitment he had for me. I liked the house work reference although I realize I am turning the phrase a bit..

I hate to clean but I do it and I will continue to clean.

I hate to pick up dog poop but I will continue to do it.

Somethings you just suck it up and do it.

Perfect situation? A married woman like me who also loves her husband and who is also committed to her hubby and staying married. Insert sarcastic tone here... good luck to me on finding that.....

Big sigh... I love you all already. You had me at hello and cake!

[dragonfly2013]

I reread this thread.

I keep fighting in my head that the common belief my entire life was when you fall in love and you get married... then you have sex. Just naturally.

It was always GREAT sex in my mind of course!

Never was it discussed that our sex life would end. I wasn't given a say.

While I have more understanding thanks to you all...it is still not fair. If I am given charity sex then he better make his best effort because I deserve it.

[Touchofinsight]

I reread this thread.

I keep fighting in my head that the common belief my entire life was when you fall in love and you get married... then you have sex. Just naturally.

It was always GREAT sex in my mind of course!

Never was it discussed that our sex life would end. I wasn't given a say.

While I have more understanding thanks to you all...it is still not fair. If I am given charity sex then he better make his best effort because I deserve it.

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you feel your worth but you lose credibility and respect when you start to coerce someone into sex. Sex can be a big enough issue to end a relationship and there is NOTHING wrong with a relationship ending over sex. I can't stand it when I hear people demeaning it, like your some kind of immature child for doing so. What makes a healthy relationship is two consenting happy people making decisions together about how they share their life, no one else, so when I hear people try to shame two people into staying together in a bad relationship it really aggravates me.

I think sex is one of those issues for many people that is a deal breaker because there isn't a healthy long term compromise, it ends up being a lose-lose situation.

[dragonfly2013]

I meant that he would have sex because he wanted to make me happy. Compromised, discussed, agreed upon and boundaries intact.

[Lady Girl]

I think sex is one of those issues for many people that is a deal breaker because there isn't a healthy long term compromise, it ends up being a lose-lose situation.

I don't think this true in all cases. For some of us couples, compromise is a win-win.

[Touchofinsight]

I think sex is one of those issues for many people that is a deal breaker because there isn't a healthy long term compromise, it ends up being a lose-lose situation.

I don't think this true in all cases. For some of us couples, compromise is a win-win.

hence many. I should clarify though, that this is much more prevalent in mixed relationships (asexual with sexual).

[anchor31]

If I am given charity sex then he better make his best effort because I deserve it.

Honestly, I don't believe anyone *deserves* much... What everyone does deserve is respect, including your partner. Sex, not so much, even if you're married.

[learningtocope]

Your right Anchor sex is not deserved automatically. However everyone does deserve to have their needs met: romantically and sexually.

Everyone does deserve to have their needs met, including sexual needs. If one partner is unwilling or incapable of meeting ones needs the parnter should be understanding and allow their needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

I think about it like this: I am hetero, if (hypoyhetically speaking) my SO was bi and wanted to enjoy women like herself, who am I to stop her. I am not able to satisfy her needs for a female. It would be wrong of me to deny her of a part of herself just because I cannot fulfill it.

[BJvirgin]

Your right Anchor sex is not deserved automatically

no, you need to deserve it. you need to work for it. you need to be worth it. but if there's no hope, no way to get it no matter how nice you are, hard working, etc, then isn't that abuse? if you refused food you would be considered to be an abuser. to a sexual, refusing sex is as important as food.

[anchor31]

Your right Anchor sex is not deserved automatically

no, you need to deserve it. you need to work for it. you need to be worth it. but if there's no hope, no way to get it no matter how nice you are, hard working, etc, then isn't that abuse? if you refused food you would be considered to be an abuser. to a sexual, refusing sex is as important as food.

I agree with your statement about needing to deserve it.

As for your question, I believe it is abuse if it is done to purposefully to punish or manipulate the partner. I can't speak for everyone, but that is not what I'm doing.

I find comparing sex to food... interesting. I understand that sexuals consider sex as a need, but I don't understand it, kwim? It's like speaking different languages.

[learningtocope]

BJvirgin, I meant that it is not a given thing. There must be effort and it should be earned in a relationship.

I did state later on in my post through the situation I proposed that it is wrong to deny someone their sexual needs. I agree that to deny a sexual of any kind of sexual gratification without exception is abuse. If neither side is willing to compromise or try an open relationship then sometimes it is healthier break up.

As far as using sex purposefully as a tool for punishment or manipulation it is always bad. Many asexuals may not purposefully refuse sex to a sexual but since many on this site are in mixed relationship they are fully aware the effect it can have on a relationship. And since they are aware they have the opportunity to compromise and they have an obligation(to the relationship, not the person) to work on it. This doesn't just apply to sex and asexuals. It applies to everyone in any part of a relationship, if you aware of a problem; try to work it out together.

P.s. "working on it" is left up to each couple and what they are ok with