Does being around sexual people make you anxious?

[Saibine]

I'm just curious if being around sexual people makes other asexuals anxious. For the longest time I thought I had social anxiety, but recently I have been wondering if it is related to the very real "stalk and attack" nature of sexual relationships. I find myself feeling like "prey" a lot of the time, and I never know if people actually like me, or are just hoping to get something out of me. I usually precede as if the former were true, but more often than not people will "spring" crushes on me, that I don't know how to deal with it. Sexual relationships are confusing for everyone, but for asexuals, there isn't much of a mutual benefit to having sex, so it often feels like people are preying on you.

Lastly I have had my mind blown when people who you would think would have a very strong understanding of sexual boundaries, end up crossing them. I'm talking about people who are in a position of power, like a teacher or a boss, or even people who are are like father or uncle figures in my life. It scares me because I don't understand their desires very well, and never say anything due to accidentally offending them. Literally, someone will probably touch my butt 6 times before I have "the talk" about not wanting a relationship with them. It just feels like people dump their sexual needs, emotional needs, and guilt on me. It makes me feel awkward because I want to be polite, but I rarely feel close to those people to want to talk about these things.

Anyone else have this problem?

What do you do?

[R_1]

No, asides I play a role so no one can know the real me.

[Evriol]

It doesn't make me particularly anxious to be around sexuals because they're sexuals; I'm generally rather self-conscious around people I don't know well. And to be honest, I'm mostly totally unaware of any kinds of advances unless someone actually tells me that they try to flirt with/hit on me. However, I have a strong aversion to most people touching me or standing closer to me than I want them to, so if I feel uncomfortable I try to "wriggle" out of the situation as inconspicuous as possible. If that doesn't work and people touch me in a way I don't like again and again, I politely but stricktly tell them to stop it. If you don't like it, you have the right to say it out loud. If you don't want to tell them that you're asexual that's ok, too. You don't have to. They should respect that you don't want any advances from them no matter the reasons. It's your body.

[The Great WTF]

Not particularly. I came to the understanding a long time ago that I'm a bit of an oddity and I'm probably not going to read the social cues and desires of others very well, especially when it comes to things like relationships. I'm very honest and blunt with people, especially if I suspect they have some kind of desire towards me. It's just easier that way.

[Member54880]

This has to do with relationship norms rooted in the patriarchy: sexual relationships (at least heterosexual ones) often manifest as predator-prey relationships, and that is normalized; on a societal level, males are conditioned from an early age to be the pursuer, to be the predator, while females are conditioned from an early age to be receptive to mens' advances, be the object of his affections, be his prey. It gets worse -- these norms allow men with a sense of entitlement to get away with repeatedly violating womens' boundaries, and ignoring her rejection. These same norms also give him the privilege of having his perseverance/unwanted advances portrayed as 'romantic' by society, when it is creepy and predatory to the woman, but her justified feelings get disregarded by society at large.

Not saying that men are by their nature predators, and women helpless prey, but patriarchal norms enable this model: Example of this: http://aboutmaleprivilege.tumblr.com/post/40165414367/male-privilege-is-it-being-cute-when-you-are

If you were allosexual, this would still concern you. The extra concerns asexuals face under this model include having their identity invalidated-- "I'm asexual and not interested in sexual relationships" =/= "convince me"!!

Any self-respecting person of any orientation should be insulted by the predator-prey relationship being normalized!

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Any self-respecting person of any orientation should be insulted by the predator-prey relationship being normalized!

You know what's really funny about this?

A complaint I got from more than one woman I was involved with is that I don't initiate enough, and am not masculine enough. Granted, one of these was from a very traditional heteronormative culture where these roles are still very much the norm, and the other was kinky as hell - in the subby/babygirl way - so those things probably contributed in these cases....

But yeah, I agree. This model is awful. To me people are just people, as far as this sort of stuff goes. I'm completely oblivious to these roles when dealing with women, and when I see them playing out in others they just look forced and embarrassing to me. And you're quite right, there's far too much social enabling for the bad elements of that predator-prey model.

[Mad]

Yes, I do feel anxious, but I don't show it. I really hate it when the "sexy" talk starts. I end up hoping that no one will ask me anything something that will show my true identity. So far I've been, more or less, lucky. :)

[MadRat]

It depends on people - not all sexuals are the same. Usually not but it is probably because I avoid certain types of people and certain types of conversation. Sex talks with my friends are usually more like sex jokes. :lol:

Accidentaly heard conversations of random people are another story though...

[Janus the Fox]

Nah... I'm often into my own world to be anxious about sexuals. It don't make a difference, but I'm not a social person to be bothered by it.

[Guest Jigger77]

For me, it has nothing to do with how sexual they are. Being around certain personality types completely shuts me down. I don't want anything to do with someone who's over-bearing, arrogant, loud-mouthed and ignorant.

It's funny that you mention the predator/prey metaphor. I've seen that play out plenty of times, especially when alcohol is involved. It literally does become an episode of Nature in those cases. Society or not, I guess fundamentally we are still animals...

You had mentioned that someone will touch you 6 times before you tell them there's no chance. That's an awful lot. If something doesn't feel right, don't be afraid to speak up the first time it happens. A polite "look, I just see us as friends and I'm happy with that" should suffice without hurting too many feelings. And if the person persists, then they probably aren't someone who cares enough about you to listen or obey your wishes. A real friend will respect your boundaries.

Ultimately, you have to do things that make you happy, so don't be afraid to push back. You have to live with you...no one else!

[scottimus prime]

I'm around sexual people pretty much all day, every day (except for when I am at home, alone) so I definitely don't get anxious around others because of their sexuality. I would say that the only time I get anxious as a result of someone's sexuality is if someone was flirting with me or if I was on a date with a sexual person. There's an expectation that sex is a goal and I get anxious because I have zero interest in taking things in a sexual direction.

[Philip027]

Not unless they're ACTING sexual. Even if it's not directed at me (and it usually is not, considering I'm male and rather plain-looking at that)

Recently I was telling an acquaintance of sorts that I was asexual, and although this person technically accepted it, they kept going on and on about how awesome sex was and how they couldn't comprehend not partaking in it in gritty details, and after a certain point I was just like "oooookay, I regret ever bringing this up now" in my head.

[Member54880]

Any self-respecting person of any orientation should be insulted by the predator-prey relationship being normalized!

You know what's really funny about this?

A complaint I got from more than one woman I was involved with is that I don't initiate enough, and am not masculine enough. Granted, one of these was from a very traditional heteronormative culture where these roles are still very much the norm, and the other was kinky as hell - in the subby/babygirl way - so those things probably contributed in these cases....

But yeah, I agree. This model is awful. To me people are just people, as far as this sort of stuff goes. I'm completely oblivious to these roles when dealing with women, and when I see them playing out in others they just look forced and embarrassing to me. And you're quite right, there's far too much social enabling for the bad elements of that predator-prey model.

How awkward! That's unfortunate to see that model internalized by women too, though it's no surprise by those from very heteronormative upbringings. In regards to masculinity in relationships, isn't it ironic that it's rather fragile? Some men worry about 'losing it' if they don't take the active role all the time, and does that also apply to those who feel taking the active role is a burden to them? I wonder if that's a part of why some of what you observed came off as so forced?

Seeing people as just people is ideal, and it's great that you can naturally do that! I had to unlearn that model; in the past that model threatened a friendship I have; this person wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I only saw him as a friend, but I felt threatened by his advances and lashed out. I learned this the hard way, but it was from him that I understood just how patriarchal norms can hurt men too.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

That's unfortunate to see that model internalized by women too, though it's no surprise by those from very heteronormative upbringings. In regards to masculinity in relationships, isn't it ironic that it's rather fragile? Some men worry about 'losing it' if they don't take the active role all the time, and does that also apply to those who feel taking the active role is a burden to them? I wonder if that's a part of why some of what you observed came off as so forced?

Seeing people as just people is ideal, and it's great that you can naturally do that! I had to unlearn that model; in the past that model threatened a friendship I have; this person wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I only saw him as a friend, but I felt threatened by his advances and lashed out. I learned this the hard way, but it was from him that I understood just how patriarchal norms can hurt men too.

Yeah, my ex from the traditional background was very literal about it. She even said stuff like how it's weird that I don't "chase" - because it's the man's job to chase and the woman's job to be wooed and to play hard to get, etc. I was just sitting there thinking....WTF are we? Humans or peacocks?

But yeah, to me this has always been a very level playing field and very internalised thing. It's odd to some extent, because I did actually grow up in a relatively conservative and heteronormative culture - probably one of the most queerphobic and macho in the "Western" world really.

Now I've gotten to the point where I pretty much refuse to play any heteronormative dating mindgames at all. I've learned that the only relationships worth having (for me anyway) would have to naturally evolve from friendship. So that renders the whole game completely pointless. Learning about being demisexual threw a whole extra layer of overthinking into this mix of course, but I'm actually quite happy with where I am at the moment. I think I can finally say that any confusion about what went wrong in the past is gone. :lol:

[BugsyShamone]

I agree with Mad, I hate the sexy talk! Recently I was out with a group of people and sat right next to someone as they were talking in great detail about...that stuff. I'm socially anxious anyway so that was just the worst for me, I wanted to become invisible!

I also hate how men sometimes view women as prey and no matter how many times you say "no" they keep trying to get you, like they see you as a challenge or something. And I agree with Saibine that it's really horrible when someone you trust/see as a father figure/mentor does that, it's a real disappointment :(

[artemisofephesus]

I totally agree with all the things that are being said about harmful models of sexual relationship in patriarchal traditions, etc. I do feel a bit of anxiety around people in certain contexts, but I'm also really open and friendly towards people. I can't really help it, but at the same time it makes me freak out sometimes that people may think I'm interested in them or flirting with them.

I know where you are coming from about the sudden and unexpected advances from people in positions of power/trust. When I was seventeen and just finished high school, a staff member at my school basically confessed his undying love for me and fully expected me to reciprocate. It took me a long time to get over that, because he was a) almost three times my age and b) I kept thinking I had to have done something to make him think I was interested. That was the worst part about it. Eventually I had to say "look, don't ever contact me again or I'm going to the police," because he got really insistent and kept emailing me and all. So I worry that things like that might happen again. It's part of the reason why I am more comfortable being out to people than not being out to them.