The #1 most dangerous relationship you are likely to get into as an asexual

[Saibine]

As asexuals we already have to worry about sexual people not liking us. I have bad news, there is another kind of asexual/romantic relationship we should be wary of as asexuals. They are dangerous, because like us, they are outsiders to society. They are incredibly intuitive, possess stunning levels of cold empathy, and prey on people's isolation and loneliness. Narcissists are not all asexuals, but there is a type of narcissist that prefers very limited sex with people--it is the Cerebral Narcissist, and if you're not careful it could be very easy to fall victim to them. He/she will not leave you if you chose not to have sex, but will eventually destroy you from the inside out. These people are very dangerous, and are operating on a similar level as sociopaths/psychopaths.

The following is an excerpt from Sam Vaknin's website:

Do Narcissists Really Hate Women?

Narcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Narcissistic Supply (spouse or girlfriend). The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means of obtaining narcissistic supply.

Moreover, many narcissists tend to FRUSTRATE women. They refrain from having sex with them, tease them and then leave them, resist the flirtatious and seductive behaviors of females and so on. Often, they invoke the existence of a girlfriend/fiancée/spouse (or boyfriend/etc. – male and female are interchangeable in my texts) as the "reason" why they cannot have sex or develop a relationship. But this is not out of loyalty and fidelity in the empathic and loving sense. This is because they wish (and often succeed) to sadistically frustrate the interested party.

But this pertains only to cerebral narcissists - not to somatic narcissists and people who suffer from HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder). These use their bodies, sexuality, and seduction/flirtation to extract narcissistic supply from others.

Some narcissists are raised by weak or inaccessible mothers and harsh, rigid, or sadistic fathers. They tend to bond with males in male settings (army, sports, police, bodybuilding, the Catholic Church) and to seek empathy, warmth, support, secure friendship, and love among their male peers. This macho bonding masks repressed and latent homosexual tendencies, the result of incestuous or simply pathologically excessive love towards the father (or father figure).

Terrified of these homosexual tendencies, these narcissists are besieged by feelings of guilt (towards their mothers with whom they compete for the father's affection) and inadequacy (they can never quite measure up to the father's standards). They become extreme and virulent misogynists. By hating women and defying them - they hate and defy life itself (women being the givers of life). They thus deny their effeminate self and exercise their self-destructive impulses.

Narcissists are misogynists. They team up with women as mere sources of SNS (secondary narcissistic supply). The woman's chores are to accumulate past Narcissistic Supply and release it in an orderly manner, so as to regulate the fluctuating flow of primary supply. In other words, the woman's chore is to bear witness to the narcissist's moments of glory and recount them to him when he is down.

Otherwise, cerebral narcissists are not interested in women. Most of them are asexual (engage in sexual acts very rarely, if at all). They hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really intimate with them. Usually, they choose submissive women, well below their level, to perform the aforementioned functions.

This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness, self-contempt (“how come I am dependent on this inferior woman”) and aggression directed at the woman. Hence the abuse. When primary Narcissistic Supply is available – when the narcissist is the center of attention - the woman in his life is hardly tolerated. The narcissist interacts with her minimally, as one reluctantly pays the premium on an insurance policy.

The narcissist does regard the "subjugation" of an attractive woman to be a source of narcissistic supply.

It is a status symbol, a proof of virility, and it allows him to engage in "vicarious" narcissistic behaviors (allows him to be his narcissistic self through others, to transform others into tools at the service of his narcissism, into his extensions). This is done by employing defence mechanisms such as projective identification.

To re-iterate, Primary Narcissistic Supply (NS) is any kind of NS provided by people who are not "meaningful" or "significant" others. Adulation, attention, affirmation, fame, notoriety, sexual conquests – are all forms of Primary NS.

Secondary NS emanates from people who are in constant and repetitive touch with the narcissist. It includes the important roles of narcissistic accumulation and narcissistic regulation, among others.

The narcissist believes that being in love IS actually going through the motions and pretending. To him, emotions are mimicry and pretence.

He says: "I am a conscious misogynist. I fear and loathe women and tend to ignore them to the best of my ability. To me they are a mixture of hunter and parasite."

Most male Narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the warped creations of women. Women gave birth to them and molded them into what they are: dysfunctional, maladaptive, emotionally dead. They are angry at their mothers and, by extension, mad at all women.

The narcissist's attitude to women is, naturally, complex and multi-layered but it revolves around four axes:

1. The Holy Whore
2. The Hunter Parasite
3. The Frustrating Object of Desire
4. Uniqueness Roles

The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions. Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world).

This distinction resolves his constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but...", "I don't need her but..."). It also legitimizes his sadistic urges (abstaining from sex is a major and recurrent narcissistic "penalty" inflicted on female "transgressors"). It tallies well with the frequent idealization-devaluation cycles the narcissist subjects his women to. The idealized females are sexless, the devalued ones – "deserving" of their degradation (sex) and the contempt that, inevitably, follows thereafter.

The narcissist believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" men and that this is almost a genetic predisposition. As a result, he feels threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualization of the real, absolutely opposite, state of things: the narcissist feels threatened by women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing women with "objective" qualities which make them, to his mind, ominous.

This is a small detail in a larger canvass of "pathologizing" others in order to control them. According to the narcissist’s scenario, once her prey is secured, the woman assumes the role of a "body snatcher". She absconds with the narcissist's sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding and nose dripping children, she financially bleeds the men in her life to cater to her needs and to the needs of her dependants. Put differently, she is a parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to suck dry every man she finds and Tarantula-like decapitate them once no longer useful. This, of course, is exactly what the narcissist does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection.

Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red-blooded male does (even more so due to the special symbolic nature of the woman in the narcissist's life – humbling a woman in acts of faintly sadomasochistic sex is a way of getting back at mother). But he is frustrated by his inability to meaningfully interact with them, by their apparent emotional depth and powers of psychological penetration (real or attributed) and by their sexuality.

Their incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by the narcissist as a threat. He recoils instead of getting closer. The cerebral narcissist also despises sex and is bored by it, as we said before. Thus, caught in a seemingly intractable repetition complex, in approach-avoidance cycles, the narcissist becomes furious at the source of his frustration. Some of them set out to do some frustrating of their own. They tease (passively or actively), or they pretend to be asexual and, in any case, they turn down, rather cruelly, any attempt by a woman to court them and to get closer.

Sadistically, narcissists tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It endows them with a feeling of omnipotence. Narcissists regularly frustrate all women sexually – and frustrate the significant women in their lives both sexually and emotionally. Somatic narcissists simply use women as objects and then discard them. The emotional background is identical. While the cerebral narcissist punishes through abstention – the somatic narcissist penalizes through excess.

The narcissist's mother kept behaving as though the narcissist was and is not special (to her). The narcissist's whole life is a pathetic and pitiful effort to prove her wrong. The narcissist constantly seeks confirmation from others that he IS special – in other words that he IS.

Having sex with women threatens the success of this quest because it is "bestial" and "common". There is nothing "special or unique" about sex. Women keep dragging the narcissist to their level, the level of the lowest common denominator of intimacy, sex and human emotions.

Anybody can love, copulate and breed, says the narcissist to himself. These emotions and activities d not set me apart and above others. And yet women seem to be interested ONLY in these pursuits. Thus, the narcissist is led to believe that women are the continuation, by other means and in different guises, of his mother - this early robber of his uniqueness.

The narcissist hates women virulently, passionately and uncompromisingly. His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how to suppress, disguise, even repress these untoward feelings. But their hatred does get out of control and erupt from time to time. It is a terrifying, paralyzing sight - the true face of the narcissist.

To live with a narcissist is an arduous and eroding task. Narcissists are atrabilious, infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and sadistic in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. Their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness and rage. The narcissist rails against slights true and imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates them because this is his only weapon against the humiliation wrought by their indifference.

Gradually, wherever he is, the narcissist’s social circle dwindles and then vanishes. Every narcissist is also a schizoid, to some extent. A schizoid is not a misanthrope. He does not necessarily hate people - he simply does not need them. He regards social interactions as a nuisance to be minimized.

The narcissist is torn between his need to obtain narcissistic supply (from human beings) - and his fervent wish to be left alone. This wish is peppered with contempt and feelings of superiority.

There are fundamental conflicts between counter-dependence and contempt, neediness and devaluation, seeking and avoiding, turning on the charm to attract adulation and being consumed by wrathful reactions to even the most minuscule "provocations". These conflicts lead to rapid cycling between gregariousness and self-imposed ascetic seclusion.

Such an unpredictable but always bilious and festering atmosphere is hardly conducive to love or sex. Gradually, both become extinct. Relationships are hollowed out. Imperceptibly, the narcissist switches to a non-sexual co-habitation.

But the vitriolic environment that the narcissist creates is only one hand of the equation. The other hand is his unfortunate female partner.

As we said, heterosexual narcissists are attracted to women, but simultaneously repelled, horrified, bewitched and provoked by them. They seek to frustrate and humiliate them. Psychodynamically, the Narcissist probably visits upon them his mother's sins - but such an instant explanation does the subject great injustice.

Most narcissists are misogynists. Their sexual and emotional lives are perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense of the word - nor are they capable of developing any measure of intimacy. Lacking empathy, they are unable to offer to the partner emotional sustenance.

Do narcissists miss loving, would they have liked to love and are they angry with their parents for crippling them so?

To the narcissist, these questions are incomprehensible. There is no way he can answer them. Narcissists never love. They do not know what is it that they are supposedly missing. Observing it from the outside, love seems to them to be a risible pathology. They equate love with weakness. They hate being weak and they hate and despise weak people (such as the very old, the sick, the poor, and the very young). They do not tolerate what they consider to be stupidity, disease and dependence - and love seems to be comprised of all three. These are not sour grapes. They really feel this way.

Narcissists are angry men - but not because they never experienced love and probably never will. They are angry because they are not as powerful, awe inspiring and successful as they wish they were and, to their mind, deserve to be. Because their daydreams refuse so stubbornly to come true. Because they are their worst enemy. And because, in their unmitigated paranoia, they see adversaries plotting everywhere and feel discriminated against and contemptuously ignored.

Many of them (the “borderline” narcissists) cannot conceive of a life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing, in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan. To them, this is the equivalent of dying. They are most terrified of boredom and whenever faced with its daunting prospect, they inject drama, or even danger, into their lives. This is the only way they feel alive.

The narcissist is a lonely wolf. He is a shaky platform, indeed, on which to found a family.

http://samvak.tripod.com/6.html

[Karl Viktor]

The guy who wrote the crap you just linked is a total nutjob, compulsive liar and his credentials are faked.

There is a documentary made about him that you can find on youtube by a guy called Ian Walker.

Here is a trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFv7qV83da0

[Significant Form]

It might be a decent theory, except for the fact that it seems to rely very heavily on Freudian psychology -- all those references to "repressed homosexual tendencies," "competing with parent 1 for parent 2's affection" etc. -- and Freud has been proven to be, more or less, full of crap.

EDIT: Karl Viktor ninja'd me. Wow, no wonder the guy thought Freud was a reliable source.

[Saibine]

I can speak from experience on this subject, so feel free to ask me anything...

[Saibine]

The guy who wrote the crap you just linked is a total nutjob, compulsive liar and his credentials are faked.

There is a documentary made about him that you can find on youtube by a guy called Ian Walker.

Here is a trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFv7qV83da0

Seen it, it's very interesting. You're right, the author is very very a fucked up man, but I believe he is writing from experience. Who has more knowledge about the inner landscape of the narcissist than a narcissist himself? I mean, it's not like he is singing the praise for what a narcissist / psychopath does. He is teaching us how to protect ourselves from such individuals.

[Karl Viktor]

Who has more knowledge about the inner landscape of the narcissist than a narcissist himself?

Science. Google it.

[Significant Form]

You're right, the author is very very a fucked up man, but I believe he is writing from experience. Who has more knowledge about the inner landscape of the narcissist than a narcissist himself?

I could maybe accept that if it weren't for the fact that he apparently considers Freudian theory (or at least a significant part thereof) legitimate, which kinda discredits him entirely in my view.

[Philip027]

TL;DR

SUMMARIZE PLEASE

[Saibine]

You're right, the author is very very a fucked up man, but I believe he is writing from experience. Who has more knowledge about the inner landscape of the narcissist than a narcissist himself?

I could maybe accept that if it weren't for the fact that he apparently considers Freudian theory (or at least a significant part thereof) legitimate.

I know a lot of people here don't believe in Freud's theories. That's ok with me, i don't particularly agree that "asexuality as an orientation" is anything more than a "theory." Unfortunately that's just how a lot of psychology is, it's hard to say anything is true for everyone in all situations. If you really want concrete answers you look to neuroscience. Unfortunately neuroscience can't adequately map and measure every element of psychology, so that's where we get back to the idea of theories and guess work.

[Janus the Fox]

Ah, one of these threads that generalises labels with negativity once again...

Try not to be swayed by opinions of others, these are often dangerous topics...

[Saibine]

TL;DR

SUMMARIZE PLEASE

I feel like I kinda did in my original topic, but basically what I'm saying is that cognitive narcissists may be attracted to asexual people because they also have issues with intimacy and find sex to be a chore. If you are the kind of person who can be kind and supportive to a narcissist you could get away with having a hereto-romantic relationship with one. The only problem is that narcissists tend to be really demanding and abusive to their partners, and they will eventually wear you out.

[Saibine]

Ah, one of these threads that generalises labels with negativity once again...

Try not to be swayed by opinions of others, these are often dangerous topics...

I fail to see what isn't negative about a narcissist. Most therapists will tell you to stay away from them.

[test account]

If the author is a narcissist, then just because he disparages narcissism is neither here nor there. A source of narcissistic supply is just to get attention--good or bad. You see that in people all the time, talking themselves down because to talk themselves up would seem like boasting, but the point is they're still talking about themselves. That's where they want your focus to be. And if they can make you think they are terrible, at least they are more terrible than anyone else you've met, which in a twisted way makes them more interesting than anyone else.

[Philip027]

Narcissists are not all asexuals, but there is a type of narcissist that prefers very limited sex with people--it is the Cerebral Narcissist, and if you're not careful it could be very easy to fall victim to them. He/she will not leave you if you chose not to have sex, but will eventually destroy you from the inside out. These people are very dangerous, and are operating on a similar level as sociopaths/psychopaths.

Ok so it's the cerebral narcissist but you didn't say anything about how to spot one or what to do about it if you get involved with one which is kinda important information

I'm guessing that it was explained in that enormous wall of text that you quoted but i was too intimidated to dig in there for it because there were no promises that i'd find the answer in there

[Saibine]

If the author is a narcissist, then just because he disparages narcissism is neither here nor there. A source of narcissistic supply is just to get attention--good or bad. You see that in people all the time, talking themselves down because to talk themselves up would seem like boasting, but the point is they're still talking about themselves. That's where they want your focus to be. And if they can make you think they are terrible, at least they are more terrible than anyone else you've met, which in a twisted way makes them more interesting than anyone else.

Wow, you really sound like you know what you're talking about. Have you had experiences with narcissists in the past? it's true that narcissists will take whatever narcissistic supply they can get, from what I understand they prefer positive attention. If it is unavailable to them, they will take negative attention. It's like if they can't be famous, they will settle for being infamous, anything to keep from being ignored.

Narcissists will always try and see how much they can get away with. They are naturally takers, not givers. In the mind of a cerebral narcissist, sex continues a kind of "giving," which in it's worst form is like vampirism. They would be happy to be surrounded by adoring admirers that don't request anything from them. It's hard for a normal person to understand, but I think asexual people might get the whole "sex as vampirism."

[Saibine]

Narcissists are not all asexuals, but there is a type of narcissist that prefers very limited sex with people--it is the Cerebral Narcissist, and if you're not careful it could be very easy to fall victim to them. He/she will not leave you if you chose not to have sex, but will eventually destroy you from the inside out. These people are very dangerous, and are operating on a similar level as sociopaths/psychopaths.

Ok so it's the cerebral narcissist but you didn't say anything about how to spot one or what to do about it if you get involved with one which is kinda important information

I'm guessing that it was explained in that enormous wall of text that you quoted but i was too intimidated to dig in there for it because there were no promises that i'd find the answer in there

It doesn't really go over it, but I recommend reading it anyway. It's good stuff.

As for how to identify a narcissist, it's hard to say. I can really only speak from experience. They are usually "shiny people," they aren't shy or fade into the background. They could take the form of your sadistic boss, the radio host, a flamboyant church leader, a dramatic professor, a pushy feminist, a queen bee or socialite, the are the guy at the party that talks the loudest and introduces himself to everyone. Narcissists are famous actors, television hosts, playboys, business owners, arrogant artists and filmmakers. It's the guy that everyone you know dated, and they are all mad at him. They tend to start out really nice, and you will feel like you have known them your entire life, then they will suddenly change and start ignoring you.

You are dealing with a narcissist if you start feeling really close to them after only knowing him for only a few days.

[Sally]

Thank you for warning us about narcissists, but 1) many of us already know about narcissim and can recognize them by ourselves without that guy, 2) asexuals do not necessarily have issues with intimacy, and 3) generalizing about any particular bunch of people is something not only frowned on at AVEN, but is actively discouraged.

[Quill Pen Gentleman]

Ah, one of these threads that generalises labels with negativity once again...

Try not to be swayed by opinions of others, these are often dangerous topics...

I fail to see what isn't negative about a narcissist. Most therapists will tell you to stay away from them.

I consider myself narcissistic.

Speaking from a self-proclaimed narcissistic/conceited point of view: It infuriates me that people have the gull to ignore me. What I have to say is just about as important as what anyone else has to say. I like attention, both good and bad, I don't go too much out of my way to get it but sometimes I catch myself going just a tad overboard. I exaggerate my intellect towards others to appear smart, (though I highly doubt that it needs that much of an exaggeration, I'm a fairly smart person), I defend my positions be they political or religious with vigor and gusto when the time calls for it (and the appropriate people are watching me). Yes, I admit, I love attention. But, unlike your description of a narcissist, I am not overly flamboyant or "shiny". I'm quite a reserved narcissist. Not shy, just reserved. I know when it's my time to shine, and I shine best with whatever available audience there is. True, I'm not the nicest person and quite often I am extremely selfish. I am sorry that you've had a bad experience with us narcissistic folk, but please don't stereotype us. And I say this with all due respect.

[DarkWolfMoon]

Aside from the questionable content, another thing that struck me about this was the implication that only a man can be a narcissist. I knew a girl in middle school/high school who qualified as a pretty dangerous narcissist.

[Saibine]

Ah, one of these threads that generalises labels with negativity once again...

Try not to be swayed by opinions of others, these are often dangerous topics...

I fail to see what isn't negative about a narcissist. Most therapists will tell you to stay away from them.

I consider myself narcissistic.

Speaking from a self-proclaimed narcissistic/conceited point of view: It infuriates me that people have the gull to ignore me. What I have to say is just about as important as what anyone else has to say. I like attention, both good and bad, I don't go too much out of my way to get it but sometimes I catch myself going just a tad overboard. I exaggerate my intellect towards others to appear smart, (though I highly doubt that it needs that much of an exaggeration, I'm a fairly smart person), I defend my positions be they political or religious with vigor and gusto when the time calls for it (and the appropriate people are watching me). Yes, I admit, I love attention. But, unlike your description of a narcissist, I am not overly flamboyant or "shiny". I'm quite a reserved narcissist. Not shy, just reserved. I know when it's my time to shine, and I shine best with whatever available audience there is. True, I'm not the nicest person and quite often I am extremely selfish. I am sorry that you've had a bad experience with us narcissistic folk, but please don't stereotype us. And I say this with all due respect.

Funny you should post that now, I was just about to add "internet professors" and "active forum users" to my list. :)

If you exaggerate you intellect as a way of getting NS and consider yourself asexual you are most likely a cerebral narcissist, which is the type Sam is. I think you guys are probably less flamboyant and 'shiny' a somatic narcissists, but I think you usually have a noticeable presence wherever you go.

[Akabara86]

The article actually describes my ex... but the thing is, when he abstained from sex, I was happy as can be! :lol:

What ticked me off was when he'd abstain from affection completely: No hugs, no cuddles, no kisses. Yep. wtf was I thinking?!

[Saibine]

Aside from the questionable content, another thing that struck me about this was the implication that only a man can be a narcissist. I knew a girl in middle school/high school who qualified as a pretty dangerous narcissist.

Yes, females can ABSOLUTELY be narcissists. I think female narcissism is often mistaken for other disorders because NPD is often thought of as a "man's illness." I don't remember the exact ratio of female to male narcissists, but I believe it is somewhere around 30/70, even so , they make up a large portion of the population and shouldn't be overlooked. My mother is a N--not quite a "Precious" level narcissist--she reminded me a little more of Mommy Dearest."

[Saibine]

The article actually describes my ex... but the thing is, when he abstained from sex, I was happy as can be! :lol:

What ticked me off was when he'd abstain from affection completely: No hugs, no cuddles, no kisses. Yep. wtf was I thinking?!

Yes, that is how they subjugate you, and often they will return to affection at some point to confusse you enough to make you stay with them. They brainwash you and scare you into giving them the NS they need, over and over. I'm very sorry to hear about what happened, long term narcissistic abuse is horribly traumatic, I have been though it on several different levels. Let me know if you would like some healing resourses.

[Sally]

Saibine, no one has asked to be "healed". You're generalizing and trying to diagnose people.

[Saibine]

She diagnosed herself, I was simply responding to that. I am not in conflict with most of the things you are saying, except I do have a certain level of judgement about people with full blown NPD. I very honestly and truly believe they are dangerous, and I'm sure most people who have been close to them will agree. It is not an easily treatable disorder, and full blown narcissist inflict horrible abuse and trauma on people close to them. Whenever possible they should be avoided in relationships, and I do believe asexuals are at risk. I speak to this from a lot of experience as both a child of a narcissistic mother, and someone who dated one for 6 years

If you don't agree with me, that's fine, but I encourage you to educate yourself further about this disorder.

Saibine, no one has asked to be "healed". You're generalizing and trying to diagnose people.

[Sally]

She diagnosed herself, I was simply responding to that. I am not in conflict with most of the things you are saying, except I do have a certain level of judgement about people with full blown NPD. I very honestly and truly believe they are dangerous, and I'm sure most people who have been close to them will agree. It is not an easily treatable disorder, and full blown narcissist inflict horrible abuse and trauma on people close to them. Whenever possible they should be avoided in relationships, and I do believe asexuals are at risk. I speak to this from a lot of experience as both a child of a narcissistic mother, and someone who dated one for 6 years

If you don't agree with me, that's fine, but I encourage you to educate yourself further about this disorder.

Saibine, no one has asked to be "healed". You're generalizing and trying to diagnose people.

this is not a site about educating people about narcissim. And since some posters on AVEN talk about having narcissistic traits, it's not really polite to continually call them "dangerous". You seem to have an ax to grind, and maybe it's been ground quite enough by now.

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

Narcissists are not all asexuals, but there is a type of narcissist that prefers very limited sex with people--it is the Cerebral Narcissist, and if you're not careful it could be very easy to fall victim to them. He/she will not leave you if you chose not to have sex, but will eventually destroy you from the inside out. These people are very dangerous, and are operating on a similar level as sociopaths/psychopaths.

Ok so it's the cerebral narcissist but you didn't say anything about how to spot one or what to do about it if you get involved with one which is kinda important information

I'm guessing that it was explained in that enormous wall of text that you quoted but i was too intimidated to dig in there for it because there were no promises that i'd find the answer in there

It doesn't really go over it, but I recommend reading it anyway. It's good stuff.

As for how to identify a narcissist, it's hard to say. I can really only speak from experience. They are usually "shiny people," they aren't shy or fade into the background. They could take the form of your sadistic boss, the radio host, a flamboyant church leader, a dramatic professor, a pushy feminist, a queen bee or socialite, they are the guy at the party that talks the loudest and introduces himself to everyone. Narcissists are famous actors, television hosts, playboys, business owners, arrogant artists and filmmakers. It's the guy that everyone you know dated, and they are all mad at him. They tend to start out really nice, and you will feel like you have known them your entire life, then they will suddenly change and start ignoring you.

You are dealing with a narcissist if you start feeling really close to them after only knowing him for only a few days.

...Excuse me? I'm bolding specific bits, because holy hell, those apply to me, and while I'd consider myself as being a narcissist under the definition that Haruka gives, I do NOT feel like I'm some kind of dangerous person.

I know that I most definitely have quite the large presence. I've been described by friends as being like "a female BRIAN BLESSED", and one of my "problems" is that people often find me too intense for them to know what to do with. That is not, however, because I am some kind of psychopath, nor is my asexuality linked to this - it just so happens that I'm a loud, outspoken person who doesn't take any shit from anyone. I am a narcissist as Haruka would describe it (although it does depend on what you mean by "selfish," too, since I don't really bother to keep the peace if I know another person is at wrong and I'd most likely not want to put up with bullshit), and the traits she describes aren't really bad ones - being outspoken and refusing to back down and refusing to put up with bullshit can be awesome qualities when used for good. Another thing is that I've already had my general personality used as some kind of indicator that I'm "not really asexual" (usually because when people think of asexual people, they think of Sheldon Cooper or Sherlock, of which I am like neither - I'm much more cheerful than they are), so it bothers me that you're now doing the same thing...except that you're somehow saying that I can't be asexual, because I must be some kind of psychopath. And let's be honest, when you say "narcissist," that's really what you mean, isn't it? Because god forbid, someone who has a mental disorder or personality fault like that can only be a terrible person. Loud people who happen to sometimes like being in the spotlight? Oh my God, you narcissist. I bet you aren't really asexual, either. It comes across as incredibly invalidating and rude, because some people here would be classed as this "cerebral narcissist" purely because they're boisterous, and other people here may have been diagnosed as being narcissists but are still awesome people who wouldn't want to deliberately go out and hurt others.

So yeah, good job randomly pointing fingers at people you don't know and going "Oh my God you're a creepy psycho run away!".

[The Great WTF]

I am locking this thread pending admod review. In the meantime, please remember that the ToS discourages hateful or disparaging commentary based on mental or physical disorders.

The Great WTF

Asexual Relationships Moderator