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Lady Girl

Sexual Compromise & Support

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Sally
A huge part of what is missing, even in a compromise, is the feeling that a sexual partner gets when two, two people get enjoyment from the experience; that is total and ultimate fulfillment; that which may not be achieved in a compromise. I know that this sounds negative and not really constructive but it is a hurdle we must clear. If it works better than that for you, then kudos!There are still ways, for the imaginative minds.

A huge part of what is missing for an asexual in a compromise is the feeling that an asexual partner gets when two people get enjoyment from simply being together, without the asexual partner being expected to do something they don't enjoy, and which they know isn't all what their sexual partner wants, so that the sexual partner is disappointed.

It cuts both ways.

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jojo2003
A huge part of what is missing, even in a compromise, is the feeling that a sexual partner gets when two, two people get enjoyment from the experience; that is total and ultimate fulfillment; that which may not be achieved in a compromise. I know that this sounds negative and not really constructive but it is a hurdle we must clear. If it works better than that for you, then kudos!There are still ways, for the imaginative minds.

A huge part of what is missing for an asexual in a compromise is the feeling that an asexual partner gets when two people get enjoyment from simply being together, without the asexual partner being expected to do something they don't enjoy, and which they know isn't all what their sexual partner wants, so that the sexual partner is disappointed.

It cuts both ways.

And that Sally, is what LG was mentioning. On a logical level it is understandable and to be applauded what some of the asexual partners in a mixed relationship are willing to do for their partner, but this being a support channel allows us to vent that the feeling a sexual partner can get from the compromis can be different than the logic.

I know it cuts both ways, which sometimes makes me feel even more bad, but pushover is right in his opinion that total fullfillment will (in that area) never be achieved. I chose to stay in this relationship knowing that for many other reasons and still stand for my relationship, but can relate to the post of pushover, since it sometimes makes you feel that way.

Logically not fair, but tell that to my brain....

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Sally
A huge part of what is missing, even in a compromise, is the feeling that a sexual partner gets when two, two people get enjoyment from the experience; that is total and ultimate fulfillment; that which may not be achieved in a compromise. I know that this sounds negative and not really constructive but it is a hurdle we must clear. If it works better than that for you, then kudos!There are still ways, for the imaginative minds.

A huge part of what is missing for an asexual in a compromise is the feeling that an asexual partner gets when two people get enjoyment from simply being together, without the asexual partner being expected to do something they don't enjoy, and which they know isn't all what their sexual partner wants, so that the sexual partner is disappointed.

It cuts both ways.

And that Sally, is what LG was mentioning. On a logical level it is understandable and to be applauded what some of the asexual partners in a mixed relationship are willing to do for their partner, but this being a support channel allows us to vent that the feeling a sexual partner can get from the compromis can be different than the logic.

I know it cuts both ways, which sometimes makes me feel even more bad, but pushover is right in his opinion that total fullfillment will (in that area) never be achieved. I chose to stay in this relationship knowing that for many other reasons and still stand for my relationship, but can relate to the post of pushover, since it sometimes makes you feel that way.

Logically not fair, but tell that to my brain....

I understand. But my comment was coming from hearing complaints about a situation which had gone on for decades, but which Pushover apparently doesn't think can be changed. This is indeed a support section of AVEN, where sexuals come to get support from other sexuals and from asexuals when they are in relationships and working on either understanding or positive compromise, or in some cases making a decision to alter the relationship in some way. It is frustrating when venting goes on and on, to the point where it seems the person is simply getting something from complaining about their partner.

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Lady Girl

I have to say, one of the biggest helps I've gotten from this site has been from Sally. I honestly didn't expect it, because to a great extent I thought I would be more able to relate to other people who were like me. I was hoping to meet another wife of an asexual and find out their secret to success. I wanted to learn how to deal with the sadness and anger. Was I ever shocked to learn that my husband has feelings about this too.

I think one of the most important things I've learned from this whole experience is that if sexual partners want to be happy in a relationship with an asexual, they need to be their friend and ally too. That's how I'm learning to deal with the sad and angry feelings.

This forum is aptly named.

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Annelie

Even in a sexual-sexual relationship partners seldom match in their libido. Being with a sex addict can be quite a torture (for both). So, yeah, compromises all over the place.

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jojo2003
A huge part of what is missing, even in a compromise, is the feeling that a sexual partner gets when two, two people get enjoyment from the experience; that is total and ultimate fulfillment; that which may not be achieved in a compromise. I know that this sounds negative and not really constructive but it is a hurdle we must clear. If it works better than that for you, then kudos!There are still ways, for the imaginative minds.

A huge part of what is missing for an asexual in a compromise is the feeling that an asexual partner gets when two people get enjoyment from simply being together, without the asexual partner being expected to do something they don't enjoy, and which they know isn't all what their sexual partner wants, so that the sexual partner is disappointed.

It cuts both ways.

And that Sally, is what LG was mentioning. On a logical level it is understandable and to be applauded what some of the asexual partners in a mixed relationship are willing to do for their partner, but this being a support channel allows us to vent that the feeling a sexual partner can get from the compromis can be different than the logic.

I know it cuts both ways, which sometimes makes me feel even more bad, but pushover is right in his opinion that total fullfillment will (in that area) never be achieved. I chose to stay in this relationship knowing that for many other reasons and still stand for my relationship, but can relate to the post of pushover, since it sometimes makes you feel that way.

Logically not fair, but tell that to my brain....

I understand. But my comment was coming from hearing complaints about a situation which had gone on for decades, but which Pushover apparently doesn't think can be changed. This is indeed a support section of AVEN, where sexuals come to get support from other sexuals and from asexuals when they are in relationships and working on either understanding or positive compromise, or in some cases making a decision to alter the relationship in some way. It is frustrating when venting goes on and on, to the point where it seems the person is simply getting something from complaining about their partner.

You are absolutely right Sally and in no way was I meaning to dismiss your opinion. As LG mentioned I do also value your opinion highly. I was trying to voice the difference in feelings and logic as I perceived pushovers post.

I do agree and have mentioned in other sections that it is not impossible things can change in mixed relationships. You are totally right that the complaints should surpass the complaining point and should lead to constructive support.

I think we are agreeing on many levels ;).

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Down in Texas
Dear Down in Texas,

Thank you for your explanation about the way you view the mixed relationship. I agree that it can be difficult at times. Yes, I have chosen to stay in this relationship and yes after all those years there are many doubts every now and then. I recognise that in your situation.

However, I refuse to believe things are not getting better. As in every relationship, ours has good and bad times and our incompatibility also has. So things are getting worse and better. Of course my asexual partner will never be as sexually active as I would like, that's where you are right, but we compromis and get there most of the time. I hope to encourage people as well as being realistic.

As for the post sexualwife made. It is not true that negative stories are not desirable. We are real people and have our ups and downs. Your thread was cancelled because of the generalization of other thread posters (nothing to do with you). Not because your story was not allowed to be heard. LG and many others are however entitled to get their story out as well.

possible TMI

jojo - my only comment is from my personal experience only. My partner who has agreed that he is a gray asexual also has problems with Low Testosterone levels that have lead to ED. When you compound all of that together you end up with someone that even if he really wants to try and please me, which he now wants to. He cant, the fact that the mind is the LARGEST SEX ORGAN in the human body makes it the most important. When my Asexual husband has no memories of his past sexual experiences with me that were pleasurable he can not call upon them to help him get past the simple need of FEEL that he needs in order to maintain his erection. For my husband each sexual encounter must stand on its own merit he retains no memories or very limited memories of our past sexual encounters. So even if he wants to have sex with me he cant stay hard long enough to pleasure me. After years of his self pleasuring he has trained his penis to the feeling of a tightness that I can not offer. So in that aspect a male married to a female asexual May have and easier chance of continuing a sexual relationship with his wife than what I find able to do. I can not stay focused on my own pleasure because I feel if I can not keep what my husband needs to feel present for him he goes soft. If I keep what I need present he feels nothing and cant even enter me.

Edited by Lady Girl
Merge posts

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Down in Texas
A huge part of what is missing, even in a compromise, is the feeling that a sexual partner gets when two, two people get enjoyment from the experience; that is total and ultimate fulfillment; that which may not be achieved in a compromise. I know that this sounds negative and not really constructive but it is a hurdle we must clear. If it works better than that for you, then kudos!There are still ways, for the imaginative minds.

A huge part of what is missing for an asexual in a compromise is the feeling that an asexual partner gets when two people get enjoyment from simply being together, without the asexual partner being expected to do something they don't enjoy, and which they know isn't all what their sexual partner wants, so that the sexual partner is disappointed.

It cuts both ways.

And that Sally, is what LG was mentioning. On a logical level it is understandable and to be applauded what some of the asexual partners in a mixed relationship are willing to do for their partner, but this being a support channel allows us to vent that the feeling a sexual partner can get from the compromis can be different than the logic.

I know it cuts both ways, which sometimes makes me feel even more bad, but pushover is right in his opinion that total fullfillment will (in that area) never be achieved. I chose to stay in this relationship knowing that for many other reasons and still stand for my relationship, but can relate to the post of pushover, since it sometimes makes you feel that way.

Logically not fair, but tell that to my brain....

I understand. But my comment was coming from hearing complaints about a situation which had gone on for decades, but which Pushover apparently doesn't think can be changed. This is indeed a support section of AVEN, where sexuals come to get support from other sexuals and from asexuals when they are in relationships and working on either understanding or positive compromise, or in some cases making a decision to alter the relationship in some way. It is frustrating when venting goes on and on, to the point where it seems the person is simply getting something from complaining about their partner.

You are absolutely right Sally and in no way was I meaning to dismiss your opinion. As LG mentioned I do also value your opinion highly. I was trying to voice the difference in feelings and logic as I perceived pushovers post.

I do agree and have mentioned in other sections that it is not impossible things can change in mixed relationships. You are totally right that the complaints should surpass the complaining point and should lead to constructive support.

I think we are agreeing on many levels ;).

What I feel you are all missing here is that there are multitude of levels of GRAY ASEXUALS not all assexuals have the same levels of tolerance. Some are able to tolerate much more than others and that to me is what you are missing. If you are in a monogamous relationship you only have ONE person to measure your experience from or with how ever you wish to look at it. If you have been in different relationships you MAY have different levels to use as your measure. But NO TWO people are alike in their likes, dislikes. tolerance or intolerance.

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Sally
What I feel you are all missing here is that there are multitude of levels of GRAY ASEXUALS not all assexuals have the same levels of tolerance. Some are able to tolerate much more than others and that to me is what you are missing. If you are in a monogamous relationship you only have ONE person to measure your experience from or with how ever you wish to look at it. If you have been in different relationships you MAY have different levels to use as your measure. But NO TWO people are alike in their likes, dislikes. tolerance or intolerance.

That's a very good point, that I don't think has been brought up in any of our many many threads on this issue. :cake:

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Lady Girl

Another thing to consider is that penetrative sex is not the only way to have sexual interaction with your partner.

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jojo2003
possible TMI
jojo - my only comment is from my personal experience only. My partner who has agreed that he is a gray asexual also has problems with Low Testosterone levels that have lead to ED. When you compound all of that together you end up with someone that even if he really wants to try and please me, which he now wants to. He cant, the fact that the mind is the LARGEST SEX ORGAN in the human body makes it the most important. When my Asexual husband has no memories of his past sexual experiences with me that were pleasurable he can not call upon them to help him get past the simple need of FEEL that he needs in order to maintain his erection. For my husband each sexual encounter must stand on its own merit he retains no memories or very limited memories of our past sexual encounters. So even if he wants to have sex with me he cant stay hard long enough to pleasure me. After years of his self pleasuring he has trained his penis to the feeling of a tightness that I can not offer. So in that aspect a male married to a female asexual May have and easier chance of continuing a sexual relationship with his wife than what I find able to do. I can not stay focused on my own pleasure because I feel if I can not keep what my husband needs to feel present for him he goes soft. If I keep what I need present he feels nothing and cant even enter me.

Thank you for explaining your point of few. I do appreciate the constructive discussion about this issue and think your point of multitude of levels of sexuality is well formulated.

On a physical level it might be easier of a male in a relationship with an asexual women, that is true. But being a partner of a sexually repulsed female, I can tell you that it does not make a difference in the way it works out than it is for you. My partner is not capable of sexual relations and unless I force myself onto her, it is not going to happen. So I know where you are coming from.

But again, it is true all people are different and all relations are different.

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Agonizer
For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy?

I also wonder, for some asexual partners, if finding something enjoyable in the act itself might help? In my own case, the enjoyment that I get isn't always strictly sexual. But, in starting to explore a couple of fetishes I have, I nevertheless come to enjoy certain aspects far more than I otherwise would. I wouldn't necessarily classify the enjoyment as sexual in nature, but its something that does tie me closer to my partner and the acts that he enjoys and desires so much.

Non-sexual intimacy tends to frustrate me when there is no sexual intimacy at all, It makes the relationship feel even more unfair.

I really appreciate this insight about the ace finding something enjoyable about sex. I am trying to help me wife with this -- I really do sympathize with her, and I appreciate it whenever she tries to be sexual. We have nothing to lose by being candid about what would make any given activity more enjoyable for both of us -- the alternative is to quit trying to be close.

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Lady Girl
What I feel you are all missing here is that there are multitude of levels of GRAY ASEXUALS not all assexuals have the same levels of tolerance. Some are able to tolerate much more than others and that to me is what you are missing. If you are in a monogamous relationship you only have ONE person to measure your experience from or with how ever you wish to look at it. If you have been in different relationships you MAY have different levels to use as your measure. But NO TWO people are alike in their likes, dislikes. tolerance or intolerance.

I have definitely noticed this...there are some asexuals who don't have sex at all as they are totally repulsed and others who are so neutral they have sex anywhere from two to four times a week. There are a couple of sexual members I know who haven't had any kind of sexual activity with their partner in years. There also seem to be sexuals who can go longer periods of time without interaction, whereas some have difficulty when just a couple days have passed. Of course, the variations in people also mean variations in acceptable activities.

One thing I think, since every person (sexual or asexual) is so different in their level of ability to cope with the mixed situation, is that any advice we give each other is obviously based on our own experience and no pat answers are out there. It's all pretty much a matter of sharing ideas of what has worked, what might work, and sometimes talking about trying a new approach. Something else I've often thought in regards to all this, is that no one really knows how hard it is for any of the people posting. Some who don't seem bothered may just be at a different stage or cycle in their relationship than other posters right then...same for the other way round.

I know I really appreciate this site and the opportunity we have to talk with each other.

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Down in Texas
Another thing to consider is that penetrative sex is not the only way to have sexual interaction with your partner.

Possible TMI

Yes, Lady I know and believe me when I say I have tried all forms of sexual acts to try to find a way to interest my husband. He seems to like most done to him but he can not do much more than a few simple ones to me. Remember also that most of that was before I found AVEN. But it seems that MY gray A seems to think that the only thing he can do for me is penetration. He has trouble remembering from one time to the next what it takes or how I like things so it becomes hard to have to explain each time that it needs to be this way or that way or not there but here. Most are simply beyond his ability of tolerance or acceptability. After all of that it seems easier to just let him do what he seems to be able to do with out adding to his sense of inadequacy. So for HIM penetration is HIS choice not mine. I have even introduced him to stories on PORN sites thinking that he would learn from others what can be done. But what he gets out of them is not the sex acts but the way that others have found to cheat and how easy it could be if I had wanted to. So for a period of time he had to know where I was every time I was not where he thought I should have been or if I was out of his site while he was home. As long as he was at work and his mind was occupiedwith work he didn't worry about me. It was only when he was home and I would leave to shop that things got to him. Thanks to cell phones it helped that I answered all his calls but it was the times that the calls didn’t come through that would send him in to his over active imagination until I would find his calls and call him back.

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jojo2003

Dear Down in Texas,

I am sorry to hear that you have gone through so much trouble with your husband. I think it would be worth a shot to see if he was interested in looking at parts of this forum. Maybe he can get some advice from other parts of this forum in how to cope with a sexual partner from other asexuals.

I hope you will get there with your husband and applaud your apperent effort to make things work.

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Lady Girl

Down, I didn't just mean that for you...it was just an additional thought for this thread. I personally don't have any kind of success with suggestions towards that end either, I just thought other people might. I guess maybe it comes from some kind of traditional way of thinking, I don't know. I've heard you mention that he doesn't remember any of the other times, does this memory issue exist in other areas of his life or just when it comes to involvement with sexual activities?

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Annelie

Hey Down,

one thought (ONE idea from ONE individual, might not work, but maybe worth a try?).

Stop the sex thing for now and find a way to touch each other (without sex) in a way that both of you enjoy. Better yet: Find a tantra massage course. The beginner courses usually (when they are good) show you how to touch your partner without expectations, how to make your partner feel great without thinking further, just enjoying the moment. No private part touching in the beginner courses. Learning NOT to demand in touch and thought is the first thing. I found it to be extremely enriching for a partnership, because it arouses other feelings than the sex drive (if you want it that way).

It sounds as though the two of you need a break from sex (too much friction?). Try to take a different route for a while.

Hugs

Annelie

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Sally

OK, I'm going to sound like I'm "yes-but"ing. But a tantric massage course is a tantric sex massage course. It's another course that leads to a test: in this case, can the asexual learn to enjoy sex. All of this stuff is intended as a road to the same place: the asexual being able to enjoy sex. That can be extremely threatening to someone who just naturally doesn't want or enjoy sex.

The equivalent would be courses for sexuals to stop enjoying or wanting sex. Does that make sense? No.

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Annelie

Er... Then we talk about different tantric massages. The ones I learned was to NOT have sex, no private part touching and to teach partners to NOT think sex when having the other served naked on a silver platter (so to speak).

Maybe my course wasn't the typical tantric massage then?

But my point still is: try something different, leave sex aside for now and do something different. Maybe have an greement - no sex for two/six/whatever months. But touch, hug, caress etc. Communicate WHAT to touch and not to touch beforehand. Takes the pressure off.

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Sally
leave sex aside for now...Takes the pressure off.

Nope, because of that clause "for now." The asexual knows what the sexual partner wants, and knows what that tantric course (or whatever) will have to lead to. That does not take the pressure off.

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Annelie

Hm... If that where true, the only way for a sexual/asexual couple would be to never have sex? I thought (and please correct me) that a compromise is being sought. Also - the "for now" is just my wording and can be used as needed (5 min, 5 weeks, 5 months, forever).

But maybe I should shut up, because I see it from the wrong angle. Sorry, if I did and hurt anyone.

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jojo2003

I think there is a mismatch in communication Sally and Annelie. Or a different angle so to speak.

Sally, you are absolutely right that any course that can have a sexual conotation can freak out a sexually repulsed person. I have seen it in courses where I did not see the vaguest sexual conotation, but my partner found something.

However, I think Annelie is right in that you can try to find ways to "ease" the pressure in situations in which the asexual partner might be willing to compromise, but due to de pressure on this part of the relationship, can not cope anymore. In that situation (which might be the case for Down in Texas, I don't know). Making an agreement that "sex" (please define between eachother) is out of the question, but touch is solely focussed on touch and has no sexual meaning.

I am saying could, because as has been related, there are as many different asexual-sexual relations as there are relations possible, but you should not write off the intention.

If Annelie however, in Sally's case the asexual partner has no desire in sex and can (for whatever reason) not cope with the sexual intercourse, than your agreement will be a countdown for the asexual and will not be a solution.

So, I am afraid, I can relate to both your ideas and it is up to the persons involved in the relation to interpret it the way they want.

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Annelie

Hey Jojo, thanks for clarifying! Now I know what I missed to point out: My "for now" wasn't meant to be the "for now no sex but soon again". It was meant that for now sex is a no-no and whatever both partners then find enjoyable (for both) can be the solution (in development, as we all change). And whatever the two find works, it doesn't have to be sex! It can be anything. After all, they love each other for what they are (if I can make a guess).

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Sally
Hm... If that where true, the only way for a sexual/asexual couple would be to never have sex? I thought (and please correct me) that a compromise is being sought. Also - the "for now" is just my wording and can be used as needed (5 min, 5 weeks, 5 months, forever). But maybe I should shut up, because I see it from the wrong angle. Sorry, if I did and hurt anyone.

No, all I meant was that if the couple took a course, the purpose of which was to increase enjoyment of sex at some further point, then the asexual partner who didn't want or like sex would feel the expectation of the sexual partner that the course would make a difference.

Yes, if the couple wants to achieve a compromise, that's a good sign. But that compromise really can't be taught in a course that's aimed at sexual people. It has to be a compromise which fits both partners.

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Backstage

Howdy, everyone! Sorry if this is TMI or overstepping my bounds for a first post, but here we go!

I, like many of those digging for information and support, am a sexual. I started dating my asexual girlfriend around ten months ago with a bit of a confusing beginning. She was under the impression that she might be demisexual (able to be attracted to someone under a solid emotional connection), and I thought that was the case after a rather rabid sexual life for the first few months. Though her profile- as we met online- stated her asexuality, her behavior suggested the opposite. She seemed more insatiable than my body could handle, but everything spontaneously hit a wall.

At first, I felt saddened by the lack of attraction from her. Like many, I thought that it was something I did to offend her or cause that lack of intimacy through physicality, but she assured me that wasn't the case. As someone who has had several sexual relationships, this was foreign territory no matter how much by brain tried to wrap around it. I've always had a fluctuation view on my appearance, and this caused my self-esteem to plummet. I consider myself an open-minded chap, but I was still dumbstruck when this came up.

I acclimated to the idea, though, but I've struggled since. We're both anxious people, but I've let my sexual frustration bleed into my general anxiety and have projected my vexations on her despite the knowledge that it's not her fault. Most of our arguments have stemmed from my sexual build-up erupting through vocalization, and I'm quick to alert her to that, but not much was solved at that point.

While she's been open to the idea of talking about it, I've been wary to bring it up. This comes from the last time we were physically intimate and, even though we didn't have sex, she had a look in her eye and tone to her voice that oozed violation via me. When she tearfully uttered that she felt uncomfortable, I knew that I couldn't possibly make an advance again, but I also couldn't relinquish my sexual nature with such ease.

We recently decided to sit down and hash out out completely natural feelings and behaviors. If this was a run-of-the-mill relationship, I would've likely booked it a while ago. I know that sounds insensitive, but we all need that emotional investment to make a mixed relationship work, right?

Well, get me a broker, because I'm invested.

She's all I've ever wanted in a relationship. She enjoys the same things I do, gets (and, more importantly, tolerates) my sense of humor, supports me in my dreams, allows me to do the same for her, and is comfortable being herself with me as I am with her. The only issue, in case it wasn't crystal, is our different orientations.

So, we hunkered down to discuss our options. As far as either of us can tell via this forum (she's a member), there were five clear options:

1. Break Up

2. No Sex for the Sexual

3. Meet in the Middle

4. Sex Despite Her Asexuality

5. A Poly Relationship for the Sexual

While #1 was the easiest option, it wasn't the one either of us preferred. We're both extremely emotionally invested in each other, our families, our futures, and everything that's a part of our lives. It could lead to friendship, but we've both struggled with maintaining closeness with exes. We're not willing to risk that disconnect.

#2 is clearly her preferred choice, but I wrestle with my own libido just to satisfy her privacy. We all have our orientations, and neither she nor I can turn off how we physically desire or lack attraction to satisfy the other.

We have talked about #3, and that's the option we've decided on for now. We're going with just making out to meet in the middle; I think I can handle that as my release, but we're both unsure. She is willing to go through with it once a month, but she's already unwilling to hide her disgust, and I completely get that.

#4 is like #2, but the roles are reversed. I will never violate her to sexual satisfy myself.

#5 has not been sincerely discussed. It was brought up in the options, but we both glossed over it. I'm not sure of her feelings towards the matter, and I might be willing to try it, but I would need her full acceptance. She might need to sign a permission slip so I can feel okay. I've had two exes cheat on me, and I absolutely refuse to make anyone feel the same way even if they don't experience sexual attraction. I'm just not sure how to talk about this option with her coupled with her jealousy and my unfaithful past partners. Has it found success with others?

Again, I apologize for this wall-o'-text for my first post, but I very much enjoy writing, and I get caught up in my emotions from time to time.

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Sally

Backstage, you didn't overstep any boundaries, and I found your post to be very respectful of and loving toward your girlfriend. I certainly hope you two can come to some compromise, because I think she's a lucky woman to have such an understanding partner. :cake::cake::cake:

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Lucinda

Hello Backstage, :)

While you two have decided on option #3 "for now", you state that she doesn't hide her disgust. I can understand that you are both unsure especially if there is the possibility that the uncomfortable violation vibe may creep in again. Then what? Perhaps she doesn't like to make out at all .... ever ... with anyone. Or perhaps she would like to make out if it is coming from a romantic angle instead of a sexual substitute angle? Only she can answer that. And what would your response be?

Have you considered the possibility of a romantic friendship as a possible option? It may be a means of redefining your relationship to reflect the greatest common denominator and be a benefit to the both of you. While the two of you may have struggled to maintain friendships with exs in the past, there may not be that same struggle with a romantic friendship. It's up to the two of you. While each couple would have to define exactly what a romantic friendship would entail for them, it could possibly take the sexual element and expectations off the table. Would this make the discussion of a poly/open relationship more approachable?

And a big question for you would be: What would your reaction be if you knew you would never have sex with her again? You can understand why and get why, but under what circumstances would you be perfectly fine with this knowledge?

All the best,
Lucinda

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jojo2003

Dear Backstage,

Welcome to this forum. I do not think you crossed a line at any point. The situation you describe seems to be constructive and open between the both of you. That is a good start!

You mention that you are talking about compromise, but also mention her having difficulties in hiding her disgust... You should get clear if it is really disgust. My partner is sexually repulsed and therefore uncapable of sexual relations. We have had many talks about this and she really wants to engage in a sexual relation for her love of me, but really can not get herself to do it. These are very emotional discussions, especially on her part, because she feels inadequate in our relationship. Therefore it is good to get that into the open before discussing the compromis. In our relationship the compromis is on another level and goes about the way in which we can be intimate, without even thinking about the sexual part.

But it is good to hear you are still talking about the options, whereas in my opinion 2,3 and 4 are part of the gliding scale of compromis.

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Down in Texas
Down, I didn't just mean that for you...it was just an additional thought for this thread. I personally don't have any kind of success with suggestions towards that end either, I just thought other people might. I guess maybe it comes from some kind of traditional way of thinking, I don't know. I've heard you mention that he doesn't remember any of the other times, does this memory issue exist in other areas of his life or just when it comes to involvement with sexual activities?

Lady his memory is fine in all other areas of life. It seems that it is just the sexual areas that he has trouble remembering. He can quote facts and figures and knows roads we have traveled years ago, but sex is a whole different story.

Hey Down,

one thought (ONE idea from ONE individual, might not work, but maybe worth a try?).

Stop the sex thing for now and find a way to touch each other (without sex) in a way that both of you enjoy. Better yet: Find a tantra massage course. The beginner courses usually (when they are good) show you how to touch your partner without expectations, how to make your partner feel great without thinking further, just enjoying the moment. No private part touching in the beginner courses. Learning NOT to demand in touch and thought is the first thing. I found it to be extremely enriching for a partnership, because it arouses other feelings than the sex drive (if you want it that way).

It sounds as though the two of you need a break from sex (too much friction?). Try to take a different route for a while.

Hugs

Annelie

Thanks for trying to help. I have already done this and actually it made things worse for ME. I have read many books through the years trying to find solutions to OUR problem before I stumbled up on AVEN. At this time we were also having trouble with ED. One of the books said in general that I was robbing him of his masculinity by always being the aggressor. That I needed to allow him to make the first move. Or, that I was putting to much pressure on him to preform and needed to let it be at his pace or when he desired it. So I stopped initiating and sex came to a screeching halt. Then he wanted to know what was wrong. I told him and he seemed to understand. But he would go weeks with out making any attempts and later he told me that he didn’t know how to initiate because he never had to before, so he just didn’t. Things have since declined significantly.

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Lady Girl

@Backstage it sounds like you're off to a good start! I do like Lucinda's questions. I also agree with jojo that #s 2,3, and 4 are all what we call compromise. Jojo is in a compromise that has no overtly sexual activity, that is their compromise. My husband and I have a combination of meet in the middle and the asexual having sex. We meet in the middle because we basically have a once a month arrangement at his choosing. So yeah, compromise comes in many forms! Best wishes to you. :cake:

@Down, I'm sorry things are like that for you. I was able to tell Mr. LG right away that I didn't want to initiate anymore because I simply hated the rejection and felt like that's all I ever got. I also told him that I thought it would serve two purposes if he would initiate...he's likely to best know if he thinks he is up to it (life pressures, etc.) and it keeps it sort of spontaneous for me. He seems to be less interested than ever though and I really do like some of Lucinda's suggestion/questions.

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