Jump to content

Sexual Compromise & Support


Recommended Posts

 

On 12/10/2012 at 1:34 PM, Vampyremage said:

For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy? I know with my partner and I, while I'm not a very sexual person (despite being more than willing to compromise on that to a certain degree), non-sexual intimacy is of great importance to me and I think to him as well. We're often in casual physical contact, whether its a hand on a leg or full on cuddling. Kissing and cuddling are things that happen daily including, often, naked cuddling. Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

I also wonder, for some asexual partners, if finding something enjoyable in the act itself might help? In my own case, the enjoyment that I get isn't always strictly sexual. But, in starting to explore a couple of fetishes I have, I nevertheless come to enjoy certain aspects far more than I otherwise would. I wouldn't necessarily classify the enjoyment as sexual in nature, but its something that does tie me closer to my partner and the acts that he enjoys and desires so much.

I am recently learning that I'm gray asexual and while I've never wanted or craved sex and can easily live without ever having it, I'm a very sensual person and love cuddling and being close or attached at the hip with someone I love and care about. I also love forming incredibly close emotional relationships with, well, anyone who will let me.  Very few times in my life, have I felt strongly sexually attracted to someone and passionate in a sexual attack you kind of way. These occurrences have been rare. I am sexually attracted to my current partner, but it's not super passionate. I can feel something in my heart all tingly when he kisses me though which makes me so happy, because often for me, making out with someone is like why is this going on so long? 

 

My partner is a very sexual person and luckily he has started getting fulfillment out of just being with me cuddling or doing some other activity with me. He has never felt like this with anyone else in past relationships and it's great for us because these little things can hold him over when we aren't having sex as often as he would like. Thank you for that wonderful advice about finding something enjoyable in the act of sex. While I don't initiate or have sexual needs or wants, I am able to get more in the mood if I try or if we start touching each other.  And yes, I do enjoy things about sex once it's happening, but the things I enjoy are not usually sexual in nature or extreme passion. It's more fun, tender, or a learning adventure, or even funny. I try really hard not to get distracted during it and focus on my partner, but it's difficult to do after it's lasting for a while and then it's like okay, is this still happening?  We are working on finding the perfect balance and I'm happy to say we are getting closer and closer to finding it with great communication, patience, love, understanding, and working on stretching ourselves out of our comfort zones. It will take time to figure out if we are truly compatible in this way.

 

Also, I'm a newbie to this site and learning about asexuality and finding this community is such a relief. My whole life makes sense now and I can feel strong and understand myself fully and have a community to be in. For a long time, I just pushed my sexuality aside because, I was like "well this is messed up. I just won't deal with it." The problem was it was affecting every single relationship I had been in because I would love and admire the person I was dating romantically, but not realize I wasn't sexually attracted to them until later and then I would have to break up with them. And causing someone that pain is so dreadful.  I didn't know I was allowed or could be in love with someone without the desire for sex. It wasn't until my current boyfriend who I love and appreciate very much encouraged me to look more into my sexuality for myself and for us, that I was like YEAH I do want to figure out what's up there. So I'm glad I found you all a year later after that conversation with him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/7/2017 at 0:18 PM, CherrySoul said:

Thank you so much for all your replies ^_^ 

 

The problem is that I love him too much to just break up because of this...especially since he is not actually repulsed by sex or refusing to satisfy me. In that case I think I woukld rather break up than have us both suffer over it, but he is not repulsed, just nervous and not ready. I assume that, if it worked for so many other people, it might work for us. I simply want to try as hard as possible and I assume I'll figure it out when it gets too much?

We have similar expectations of the future and if everything goes smoothly we do intend to get married and start a family :blush: the only thing I truly worry about is the future, a future as you describe it, Mimesis. Not the very near future but the next 10-15 years. He tells me I should not be worrying about this so much, and he is confident that we will solve our issues and that he will find a way to make me happy and have both be comfortable with it.

I understand he does not feel attracted to me sexually, and that he never will be attracted to me that way, but neither will he be attracted in anyone else. So it is neither my fault, nor his.

I feel strange about this because I can only think of three possibilities:

  • I break up, find another guy who is sexual enough to take care of those needs of mine for sure, but I miss my current boyfriend and wonder how it would be like to be with him all the time
  • I break up and go for sex rather than for the person and I end up really disappointed, feeling unloved
  • I stay in this relationship, try to make it work, and understand that love and trying to work with what you have is worth much more than feeling desired 

nanogretchen4, we are happy in every other aspect of the relationship, it seems, and I cannot really bear the thought of breaking up with him :( 

MrDane he knows exactly what I want, but he is not ready for it. He is attracted in me more in the sense that he finds me beautiful, and since he has a foot fetish, he is very turned on and responsive when I do something foot-related.

 I would not say he is not attracted in me, it's just that he is not interested in sex with me... I don't know if these are the same. Sometimes I think my expectations are the problem, some other times I am convinced I am in the wrong relationship. However, as soon as we meet and have such great times together, I feel guilty for even questioning our relationship.

Hi! I vote that as long as your happiness outweighs the unhappiness, do what you're doing if you're happy for as long as you can and have lots of communications and open communication. If the unhappiness outweighs the happiness you're feeling, you might want to seriously think about everything. Also, in this time and age, it seems like everyone is having intercourse when they're teenagers, but that isn't necessarily true. I know people including myself, who didn't have intercourse until they were 21 or older. He really might just not be ready, has some fears he isn't in touch with, or maybe he is asexual. It's hard to know because none of us are in your relationship with you. I'm sure the way to go will become clear in time. Meanwhile, enjoy each other and life together!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/5/2017 at 6:37 AM, Apostle said:

 

Bartering for sexual enjoyment is a bit like paying to have sex, isn't it? If your partner is only having sex to please you she is not giving you sex willingly and to me that is not an option. To me, sex should be a shared enjoyment, not a barter. So, you give me sex and I'll do the washing up. Really?

I don't know about for other people on the asexual scale, but I'm gray asexual and don't have a desire or yearn for sex. I'm quite happy with no sex, yet my boyfriend is quite sexual. While I may not initiate sex, I can get into the mood with his help and some effort on my part and I can have fun and enjoy it. I may not have had sex without him initiating it and it may not be super passionate, but once it's happening it's not just about pleasing him, it's about having fun, learning more about each other, and sharing tender moments together. Also I mean things can feel nice once we are going so it's not all about him. We both like pleasing each other even if he feels more of an emotional bond during it than I do. It is a shared enjoyment, just for us both in different ways. The important thing is while I may not initiate, when we do have sex, it is always because I'm willing and it's a choice. There are times where I can't manage to get in the mood and those times we don't have sex.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/15/2017 at 2:04 PM, lilladyeva said:

What I am struck by is that you seem to be doing all of the work trying to make this work. You are doing all the reading, the exploration and starting the conversations. It has to be both ways. It sounds like there is more trouble in your relationship than just sex issues. It may be time to talk to your partner about what they are willing to do to make it work. Are they willing to go see a couples counsellor ? The conversations you are not having seem to be the more concerning part.

I suspect he is doing more 'work' on this than I give him credit for. The introvert extrovert dynamic is also a hurdle for us and I just don't see the steps he takes. We have had a few good conversations over recent weeks and will continue to do so. We know the queer/poly/gender binary space quite well - but knowing it intellectually and putting it into pratie can be hard - especially when your communication styles are different.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/12/2012 at 8:34 PM, Vampyremage said:

For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy? I know with my partner and I, while I'm not a very sexual person (despite being more than willing to compromise on that to a certain degree), non-sexual intimacy is of great importance to me and I think to him as well. We're often in casual physical contact, whether its a hand on a leg or full on cuddling. Kissing and cuddling are things that happen daily including, often, naked cuddling. Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

I also wonder, for some asexual partners, if finding something enjoyable in the act itself might help? In my own case, the enjoyment that I get isn't always strictly sexual. But, in starting to explore a couple of fetishes I have, I nevertheless come to enjoy certain aspects far more than I otherwise would. I wouldn't necessarily classify the enjoyment as sexual in nature, but its something that does tie me closer to my partner and the acts that he enjoys and desires so much.

@Vampyremage sexual here, trying to answer! 

I think, that I want three things

1. Love

2. Intimacy/touch

3. Sex

 

i need to feel the love or at least know that it is still there. There are many ways to feel/express/communicate love. A smile, a touch, a sweet word, a heart in a text on the phone with list of to-do... i could go longer without sex, than without love.

 

since my wife has slowed a lot down on her communicating love and almost no other intimacy/touch apart from sex, then I need more sex.

 

If I kiss/touch her and she feel like there is a sexual innuendo, then she backs away from, what i thought, was an innocent hug.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
GRexCarolinii

@DarkDragon
This sounds very similar to one of my previous experiences in the past 

I'm afraid... not a great experience...

 

On 6/21/2017 at 0:12 PM, DarkDragon said:

I do not want it and he says he understands but he needs it in his life

 

On 6/21/2017 at 0:12 PM, DarkDragon said:

the thought of having sex or doing anything sexual with him cause me to become stressed and physical sick to the point on the day that we agreed I broke down

Sorry for pulling apart what you've been saying,  but more just... these things stuck out a lot for me. 
Because you deserve better than to be upset to this level
and if he honestly feels he needs it - either way, one of you is going to be very upset with this relationship in the long-term. 

that isn't to say compromises are entirely impossible; I obviously won't know the depths of your relationship, or how deeply either of you feel about every detail and things. 
But based on my experience I guess... it's really not worth upsetting yourself to please others
and leads to a whole cycle of toxicity. Because even when you do knowingly consent to things, you can end up feeling used and worse for having compromised something that you feel very strongly about. 

 

On 6/21/2017 at 0:12 PM, DarkDragon said:

I love him to pieces and the first break up was caused by him pushing me to far

This in particular I can relate to - as I did love my ex at the time very much, but he constantly pushed my boundaries. And I found... this made me more and more repulsed by him and anything sexual to do with him?
That isn't to say your bf if the same at all; but... I guess this is something to watch out for. Is he listening better to you now? More respectful of your boundaries, and trying to understand honestly and truly?

 

As an aside - you are also under no obligation whatsoever to do what you don't want to; so don't feel bad for that. 
And don't feel bad for not enjoying it either. 

 

On 6/21/2017 at 0:12 PM, DarkDragon said:

he has been talking to his friends who have told him they should leave me and why was he with me. He says he loves me with all his heart.

Finally....
neither of you should listen to his friends.
After all; it is his decision to be with you, and not theirs
and your decision as to what you want to do with him. 
If he loves you enough to work on a compromise that suits you, whatever that might be, it is of no business of theirs. 

though it is also worth noting that
Love alone can't necessarily make a relationship work?
Like it's an integral part, for sure
but sometimes people are just... not compatible for the long-term, no matter how good either of their intentions are
and that is completely fine; noone is at fault. 

Neither of you are at fault for wanting it not wanting sex.
It is what it is

 

 

Sorry if I've rambled a bit too much at you, or said things you don't think are relevant...
I just read a little bit of my past-self in your post; so want to help best I can.
am more than happy to continue talking or helping as much as I can because yeah... 
I can relate so bad, and can only start to imagine how much you must be hurting and ... I don't want you to hurt like that :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/22/2017 at 8:51 AM, GLRDT said:

I don't know about for other people on the asexual scale, but I'm gray asexual and don't have a desire or yearn for sex. I'm quite happy with no sex, yet my boyfriend is quite sexual. While I may not initiate sex, I can get into the mood with his help and some effort on my part and I can have fun and enjoy it. I may not have had sex without him initiating it and it may not be super passionate, but once it's happening it's not just about pleasing him, it's about having fun, learning more about each other, and sharing tender moments together. Also I mean things can feel nice once we are going so it's not all about him. We both like pleasing each other even if he feels more of an emotional bond during it than I do. It is a shared enjoyment, just for us both in different ways. The important thing is while I may not initiate, when we do have sex, it is always because I'm willing and it's a choice. There are times where I can't manage to get in the mood and those times we don't have sex.

Well I suppose that must work for some couples but here is the rub: Sex for men is different than sex for women. A man must psyche himself up to even get an erection whereas a woman can just lie there and even pretend she is enjoying it. It takes a lot of concentration for a man to have a rewarding penetrative sexual experience whereas a woman doesn't require this. I accept that there are going to be different levels of male/female interaction but all the same, sex will always be different between the sexes.

I remember many years ago when a female friend of mine was going through a difficult patch in her marriage. She offered me sex there and then but although the offer was tempting I never did follow through as I liked her as a friend and I also liked her husband as well! The point I am trying to make here is that sex is a small but sometime necessary exercise in cementing a relationship. As I have said before on these forums, I will always yearn for a sexual relationship but it will never be. My family is more important and that is it really. (Sounds like I lead a pretty boring life, doesn't it?)

Ha Ha!:lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
51 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Well I suppose that must work for some couples but here is the rub: Sex for men is different than sex for women. A man must psyche himself up to even get an erection whereas a woman can just lie there and even pretend she is enjoying it. It takes a lot of concentration for a man to have a rewarding penetrative sexual experience whereas a woman doesn't require this. I accept that there are going to be different levels of male/female interaction but all the same, sex will always be different between the sexes.

I remember many years ago when a female friend of mine was going through a difficult patch in her marriage. She offered me sex there and then but although the offer was tempting I never did follow through as I liked her as a friend and I also liked her husband as well! The point I am trying to make here is that sex is a small but sometime necessary exercise in cementing a relationship. As I have said before on these forums, I will always yearn for a sexual relationship but it will never be. My family is more important and that is it really. (Sounds like I lead a pretty boring life, doesn't it?)

Ha Ha!:lol:

TMI? Still figuring out when and how the TMI works. Anyhoo, thanks for giving me a point of view from a man's perspective! It does seem that men may have more issues as far as it being noticeable that they aren't in the mood and I see how that may cause issues for that relationship. I would imagine that sex for men and women would be very different for a variety of reasons. At the same time as a woman, it took a very long time going through multiple partners over many years before I could enjoy sex because I wasn't "prepared" enough down there and sex was often painful and it was noticeable for both of us.  If I'm not desiring sex or in the mood at all, it can be difficult for everything to be "ready to go" down there. Also I agree that for some relationships, compromise may not work if there is no sex at all and one person requires it. Sex can be important in cementing a relationship. In others, where both people can compromise and love each other, have great open communication, and can learn to adjust and become fulfilled in a new way, I think those relationships can work out. It's a two way street though! As far as your other comments, I'm not sure I understand what you mean because I'm don't think I've read your previous comments in other forums or all of them and I don't know much about you or your sexuality, but no shame in family being important! You don't seem boring to me!

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/27/2017 at 9:12 PM, GLRDT said:

TMI? Still figuring out when and how the TMI works. Anyhoo, thanks for giving me a point of view from a man's perspective! It does seem that men may have more issues as far as it being noticeable that they aren't in the mood and I see how that may cause issues for that relationship. I would imagine that sex for men and women would be very different for a variety of reasons. At the same time as a woman, it took a very long time going through multiple partners over many years before I could enjoy sex because I wasn't "prepared" enough down there and sex was often painful and it was noticeable for both of us.  If I'm not desiring sex or in the mood at all, it can be difficult for everything to be "ready to go" down there. Also I agree that for some relationships, compromise may not work if there is no sex at all and one person requires it. Sex can be important in cementing a relationship. In others, where both people can compromise and love each other, have great open communication, and can learn to adjust and become fulfilled in a new way, I think those relationships can work out. It's a two way street though! As far as your other comments, I'm not sure I understand what you mean because I'm don't think I've read your previous comments in other forums or all of them and I don't know much about you or your sexuality, but no shame in family being important! You don't seem boring to me!

To answer your question very briefly, I'm a sexual male, 3 children all boys, one adopted, twins and one of the twins severely disabled. Previous to adoption, 5 years of intrusive infertility visits (not me fortunately), 1 year of IVF treatment (hence the twins) coupled with 3 years of adoption process all overlapping. Sex once a month according to the thermometer, purely  and briefly as possible to get her pregnant. No sex at all while she was pregnant (fortunate for me as no doubt I would have been blamed for my disabled child)

It was quite a journey.

The repercussions are thus: Celibate ever since once the twins were born. No cuddles in case she thinks I want more than cuddles.

I've also lost my religion in the process.

It's a great life, isn't it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Member119102

I had a guy friend, a very close one, who I eventually lost because of his behaviour. When things started to get weird, he never stopped talking about his sexual attraction toward me, how he wanted to have sex with me, marry me, have kids, how he adored my body, how horny and frustrated I made him feel and how he never stopped thinking about me when he..um, touched himself. The only compromise was to leave him. Because the longer we had a contact, the more frustrated he became. I did not know what to do. I was horrified 

and disgusted to the fullest. And hated the fact that someone could think of me that way. It started off as a truly amazing friendship..but I am too stubborn..and unwilling to change..I told him that I'd rather been hurt and left alone than continuously pressured into what I could not stand. A very unpleasant experience, indeed :c

Link to post
Share on other sites
Member119102
38 minutes ago, TON said:

Sounds like he was obsessed with you, a horrible experience indeed. :( I would have ended the friendship as well, you did the right thing.

I loved him dearly as a friend, and did not want to leave him. The thing was that he could satisfy his needs with literally any girl (he was pretty good-looking and confident) but what frustrated him the most was that the one he wanted, was not willing to compromise..in a way that would make him happy. The only thing I could do was leave him and wish him happiness. P.S I'm new here and amazed how understanding and open-minded everyone is :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello everyone! So I'm just a little bit emotional right now, so I'm going to post about my awesome partner. 

 

I met him in college, we were friends first of course, and even back then I knew there was something 'different' about him in regards to sexuality. Anything sexual on TV made him extremely uncomfortable, and he hated sex jokes and found our school's hookup culture "disgusting" 

 

Eventually I asked him out, and he said, yes. It took a while for him to be okay with even kissing though, which I initially blamed on  shyness, but it wasn't long before we found out he was asexual. 

 

The thing was...I thought I was asexual too. Well, I didn't have the exact word for it, but...I thought I didn't need or actively desire sex. It was whatever for me. I had it in the past to please my partners  mostly, but never really desired it. 

 

After a few months of being with him though...I started to develop sexual feelings. Of course I enjoyed the cuddling and kissing that he now loves as well...but I just got the desire to at least try something with him, to please him, to see him in full even though he has an extreme dislike of nudity. 

 

I was so embarrassed at first I wanted to die. I had never actively desired sex before, and I was so terrified of pressuring him. 

 

Eventually I was honest. He was a little "disturbed" at first, I'll say. He got very embarrassed that I could even see him that way. But he loves me, and I have strong feelings for him (maybe not love yet, but I care about him very deeply) 

 

We compromise. Once every two weeks, we have a planned "sexy time". We don't engage in actual sex, but he lets me take his shirt off and touch him, and he does the same. While I do have some kind of a sex drive apparently, it's not a very large one apparently, and this time together satisfies me enough. 

 

He told me recently he doesn't dislike it, it can get a little boring when it goes on too long, but he likes to do it because it makes me happy...and he would even do it more frequently if I want. 

 

Bottom line.... sexuality is so complicated, but people are wonderful, and even when everything is a mess, the right person can come along and surprise you by being the kindest, most understanding person in the world. 

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎26‎/‎06‎/‎2017 at 4:25 PM, Giganotosaurs said:

@DarkDragon
This sounds very similar to one of my previous experiences in the past 

I'm afraid... not a great experience...

 

 

This in particular I can relate to - as I did love my ex at the time very much, but he constantly pushed my boundaries. And I found... this made me more and more repulsed by him and anything sexual to do with him?
That isn't to say your bf if the same at all; but... I guess this is something to watch out for. Is he listening better to you now? More respectful of your boundaries, and trying to understand honestly and truly?

 

As an aside - you are also under no obligation whatsoever to do what you don't want to; so don't feel bad for that. 
And don't feel bad for not enjoying it either. 

 

Finally....
neither of you should listen to his friends.
After all; it is his decision to be with you, and not theirs
and your decision as to what you want to do with him. 
If he loves you enough to work on a compromise that suits you, whatever that might be, it is of no business of theirs. 

though it is also worth noting that
Love alone can't necessarily make a relationship work?
Like it's an integral part, for sure
but sometimes people are just... not compatible for the long-term, no matter how good either of their intentions are
and that is completely fine; noone is at fault. 

Neither of you are at fault for wanting it not wanting sex.
It is what it is

 

 

Sorry if I've rambled a bit too much at you, or said things you don't think are relevant...
I just read a little bit of my past-self in your post; so want to help best I can.
am more than happy to continue talking or helping as much as I can because yeah... 
I can relate so bad, and can only start to imagine how much you must be hurting and ... I don't want you to hurt like that :) 

Its okay to ramble and Im sorry I've took long to reply, and I understand what you are saying I've started to feel the same towards doing anything sexual and start to dread when he is coming to mine, we have spoken and he is listening but I don't know how much he is taking in about what I'm talking about. His friends I don't listen to and I've told him so many times that I couldn't care less what they think or say and neither should he just because they had sex doesnt make them better. I cant stand touching people for long and this is another thing he doesnt understands, it get's to the point I start to slap at his hands and snapping at him for clinging onto me, I don't think this is going to be long term and it hurts to think like this but there's nothing else I can do about it. I've told him about the breakdowns the panic attacks and he doesnt want that to happen, he doesnt want me to be uncomfortable but he doesnt seem to want to stop pushing me. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
GRexCarolinii
1 hour ago, DarkDragon said:

Im sorry I've took long to reply

no worries at all :3
glad you took the time to read what I had written 

 

1 hour ago, DarkDragon said:

we have spoken and he is listening but I don't know how much he is taking in about what I'm talking about

it's good that he is trying to listen, but.. as I found; some people really can't get their heads round asexuality as a concept.
Whether it be out of spite, denial, or just a genuine misunderstanding. 

 

1 hour ago, DarkDragon said:

to the point I start to slap at his hands and snapping at him for clinging onto me,

This sounds oh-so familiar.
Like.... I remember doing this exact thing. And leaping off  the sofa away, skin crawling... and a whole host of other things. 
You aren't alone in feeling like this, not at all. 
Though... I found I got worse the more unsanctioned touching there was?
I've since found out I'm a huge fan of non-sexual touching; but if I feel pressured then  everything freaks me out. 

I think my friend put it so bluntly to me and I never really understood it before she did
but (in reference to PDA)
it wasn't him touching me that upset her, or made anything awkward
it wasn't so much my reaction that upset her
but what it was is the insistence of crossing my boundaries
because it becomes "if he won't listen in this context... how's he going to be when it's more serious" kinda of worry

so of course the more he pushes, the more you will push back
don't feel too bad for this

 

1 hour ago, DarkDragon said:

he doesnt seem to want to stop pushing me.

I hate to say it; but it might be best to end things. 
Even giving him the benefit of the doubt, and assuming he is honestly trying to keep you happy

it doesn't look like either of you are happy, especially if you dread him coming over

it doesn't mean either of you are bad people
just incompatible in that one aspect because sometime people just... have that one thing they can't click on

that said... I fully understand how hard it is admitting that and making the choice to break-up
but end of the day... nothing is worth hurting yourself and going through panic attacks

(if you ever need to talk or anything; you are welcome to shoot across a pm if you wish :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

My partner told me she is asexual but desires sex.

 
Possible TMI below.
 
I'm new to AVEN and new to the intricacies of the asexuality spectrum and grey areas.  I'm sexual and my girlfriend is asexual.  She told me that she desires sex, specifically sex with me, but only insofar as she is the recipient.  She has no desire to reciprocate.  As I'm a woman too this is problematic for me.  I've always considered sex between women to be something mutual that both parties can enjoy and get to fully experience.
 
We've been together for over 9 months and she just recently told me that she is asexual.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around this because we have sex often and she is always very enthusiastic about sex, frequently initiating and wanting me to perform sexual acts on her.  
 
The problem is that our sex life revolves around my being the one who does everything to her and always having to ask her when I want her to do anything for me.  She is unenthusiastic about reciprocating and I can see her expression change from when I'm pleasuring her to when I ask her to pleasure me.  This is very hurtful so when I finally got up the strength to ask her about it she told me she is asexual and doesn't like to perform any kind of sexual act on anyone but could try to make it work.
 
This feels crazy imbalanced.  She did offer to, in her words,  "make it work," but that was so hurtful to hear that she'd just be doing some kind of a chore and isn't as into it as I am. I don't want to offend anyone but I just don't understand this grey area.  I could understand if she weren't interested in sex at all but this one sided interest feels selfish especially after I am so accommodating.  Am I looking at this the wrong way?  Any perspective on this would be helpful and much appreciated.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello Meyer, welcome to these forums! Have some cake... :cake:

 

28 minutes ago, Meyer said:

My partner told me she is asexual but desires sex.

That statement might lead to a definition debate around here, but I'm not going to start it ;-)

 

What you describe sounds like the opposite of placiosexual, which has been discussed mockingly here:

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/119891-found-a-term-and-i-like-it-placiosexual/

 

I found a reference to "lamvanosexual" in the Google cache:

https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:cTeLTShluJkJ:https://lgbtrainbowdolls.tumblr.com/orientation+&cd=3&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=de&client=ubuntu

 

First time I encounter that term, so I'm afraid I can't point you any further. You're right, it feels crazy imbalanced. But feelings are hardly subject to negotiations. If she cannot reciprocate on the sexual level, it's up to you to decide whether you can live with that or have to move on. I suggest the two of you have a very long and deep conversation about your feelings for eachother. Don't rush a decision. Find out on what levels she can reciprocate, and see if that can keep the relationship going.

 

Hope that helps!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Elderflower

Of course it's crazy imbalanced. It's called selfishness. When someone says "I'll be the taker and you be the giver 100%" that says volumes about them as a person. Maybe roland.o's suggestions will help you. Me, I'd run away fast. Good luck.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Meyer said:

I could understand if she weren't interested in sex at all but this one sided interest feels selfish especially after I am so accommodating.  Am I looking at this the wrong way?  Any perspective on this would be helpful and much appreciated.

It feels selfish because it IS selfish.  If she's asexual, she wouldn't want to 'receive' as well as 'give'. (she probably wouldn't want to 'receive' at all)  If she was demi, she wouldn't mind 'giving', as long as it wasn't "too" often. 

 

From my vantage point, the problems you're having don't come from her lack of sexuality; they come from her lack of character. 

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Elderflower
52 minutes ago, vega57 said:

It feels selfish because it IS selfish.  If she's asexual, she wouldn't want to 'receive' as well as 'give'.  If she was demi, she wouldn't mind 'giving', as long as it wasn't "too" often. 

 

From my vantage point, the problems you're having don't come from her lack of sexuality; they come from her lack of character. 

 

 

Yep. I wasn't going to be so direct but this is exactly what I thought, too. Thanks vega57 for being braver than I.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Meyer many years ago, men didnt know about how women 'worked' sexually, and therefore just used the woman as an equipment for masturbating. If the woman felt any joy, then good for her, but nothing could be expected to be done. Many women lived a lifetime with a mediocre or hollow, unfulfilling sex life, but today we know more. And with knowledge/awareness comes responsibility.

    To me, your story sounds unbalanced in terms of mutual understanding.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ageless Goddess
14 hours ago, Meyer said:

My partner told me she is asexual but desires sex.

 
Possible TMI below.
 
I'm new to AVEN and new to the intricacies of the asexuality spectrum and grey areas.  I'm sexual and my girlfriend is asexual.  She told me that she desires sex, specifically sex with me, but only insofar as she is the recipient.  She has no desire to reciprocate.  As I'm a woman too this is problematic for me.  I've always considered sex between women to be something mutual that both parties can enjoy and get to fully experience.
 
We've been together for over 9 months and she just recently told me that she is asexual.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around this because we have sex often and she is always very enthusiastic about sex, frequently initiating and wanting me to perform sexual acts on her.  
 
The problem is that our sex life revolves around my being the one who does everything to her and always having to ask her when I want her to do anything for me.  She is unenthusiastic about reciprocating and I can see her expression change from when I'm pleasuring her to when I ask her to pleasure me.  This is very hurtful so when I finally got up the strength to ask her about it she told me she is asexual and doesn't like to perform any kind of sexual act on anyone but could try to make it work.
 
This feels crazy imbalanced.  She did offer to, in her words,  "make it work," but that was so hurtful to hear that she'd just be doing some kind of a chore and isn't as into it as I am. I don't want to offend anyone but I just don't understand this grey area.  I could understand if she weren't interested in sex at all but this one sided interest feels selfish especially after I am so accommodating.  Am I looking at this the wrong way?  Any perspective on this would be helpful and much appreciated.

I'm not pointing fingers, however, the word Narcissist comes to mind. A narcissist is charming, manipulating, & feel no remorse. Clinically speaking, when a narcissist has an individual in their grip, there's no getting away. Love yourself & know you are worthy of being loved, graciously bow out of this relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel that some of these replies may be a little harsh in their judgements. Sexuality is such a complex issue; we so often don't understand ourselves, let alone another. Communication is incredibly hard. Asexuality is as hard to understand as sexuality!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
54 minutes ago, brassyhub said:

I feel that some of these replies may be a little harsh in their judgements.

I think so too. There are people who like to give, but are repulsed by the idea of receiving. That seems to be OK. But if somebody is wired the other way 'round, it's got to be selfishness or narcissism. I'm not saying that it isn't in this case, it might be. But I don't have enough information to make that judgment.

Link to post
Share on other sites
nanogretchen4

I think it's totally okay to prefer a specific sexual role, such as always giving or always receiving. A couple consisting of one giver and one receiver might be extremely compatible and happy. However, if a couple has hopelessly incompatible role preferences, it would be better to discover that early on, and to think long and hard about whether they want to continue the relationship and if so how they can deal with the issue so that no one is miserable.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello everybody,

I've only just joined & it's taken me a long time to understand my asexuality (I'm 33). I hope it's okay to post in a place intended for sexuals, but I hope this might be useful to somebody:

I've been reading this thread to understand my relationships & I'm so grateful for all of your candid honesty. It's helped so much to try and get to grips with a sexual perspective. My mind is totally blown!

I don't mean to presume to understand any other asexuals in relationships ( obviously we're all different creatures), but I wanted to point out that 24hrs ago, before I started reading this thread, I had absolutely NO IDEA that people felt a particular emotional difference between sex & masturbation. All of the closeness & intimacy etc I've been reading that (all?) sexuals associate with sex- those things come from entirely different things for me. I'd never considered sex that way. Perhaps that sounds silly (or cold?) but it's really hit me how jarring my interpretation is (something some people find fun, perhaps better with a companion) to sexual people (obviously lots more than that). 

Thanks for the insight. :)

I have struggled with this concept in regard to compromise. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Treesarepretty
On 7/26/2017 at 8:32 AM, Meyer said:

My partner told me she is asexual but desires sex.

 
Possible TMI below.
 
I'm new to AVEN and new to the intricacies of the asexuality spectrum and grey areas.  I'm sexual and my girlfriend is asexual.  She told me that she desires sex, specifically sex with me, but only insofar as she is the recipient.  She has no desire to reciprocate.  As I'm a woman too this is problematic for me.  I've always considered sex between women to be something mutual that both parties can enjoy and get to fully experience.
 
We've been together for over 9 months and she just recently told me that she is asexual.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around this because we have sex often and she is always very enthusiastic about sex, frequently initiating and wanting me to perform sexual acts on her.  
 
The problem is that our sex life revolves around my being the one who does everything to her and always having to ask her when I want her to do anything for me.  She is unenthusiastic about reciprocating and I can see her expression change from when I'm pleasuring her to when I ask her to pleasure me.  This is very hurtful so when I finally got up the strength to ask her about it she told me she is asexual and doesn't like to perform any kind of sexual act on anyone but could try to make it work.
 
This feels crazy imbalanced.  She did offer to, in her words,  "make it work," but that was so hurtful to hear that she'd just be doing some kind of a chore and isn't as into it as I am. I don't want to offend anyone but I just don't understand this grey area.  I could understand if she weren't interested in sex at all but this one sided interest feels selfish especially after I am so accommodating.  Am I looking at this the wrong way?  Any perspective on this would be helpful and much appreciated.

The easiest way to try to understand someone is to ask, "what would I do if I were in that person's place." I think that a lot of communication problems come from people doing this with their partners without realizing that different people may value different things.

 

That is not why your significant other has this attitude. It would be one thing if she just didn't understand your point of view, but the fact that she only likes receiving and hates giving means that she either does not care about your feelings in this matter, or she is REALLY repulsed by the prospect of reciprocating more than she is letting on. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Treesarepretty
On 12/10/2012 at 11:34 AM, Vampyremage said:

For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy? I know with my partner and I, while I'm not a very sexual person (despite being more than willing to compromise on that to a certain degree), non-sexual intimacy is of great importance to me and I think to him as well. We're often in casual physical contact, whether its a hand on a leg or full on cuddling. Kissing and cuddling are things that happen daily including, often, naked cuddling. Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

For me, it is like chewing gum when you haven't eaten for a day to take your mind off how hungry you are: it takes the edge off for a little while, but the hunger doesn't go away completely, and when you run out of gum the hunger pangs get just as bad as if you hadn't done anything. 

 

That being said, I like gum--both the literal kind and the metaphorical gum that stands for cuddling. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
nanogretchen4

Meyer, is there a specific thing your girlfriend doesn't like about reciprocating? For example, is she repulsed by looking at or touching female genitals? It's within the bounds of possibility that she is straight. That's more common by far than asexuality, especially an unusual form of asexuality where she wants frequent sex. Sometimes straight women date women because they are experimenting, or for political reasons, or because of bad experiences with men. Or I guess she could be lesbian but repulsed. Or she could be a lesbian who has some internalized homophobia to work through and thinks what she's doing is a little more socially acceptable if she's in the less active, more traditionally feminine role. If she's just passively receiving she doesn't have to pay close attention to what she's doing or who she's doing it with. Regardless, if nine months into the relationship you've realized that you aren't compatible, it may be time to move on. There are lots of share and share alike lesbians who would be more compatible with you. Maybe she would be compatible with a stone butch if it turns out she is actually into women.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...