Sexual Compromise & Support

[Speakeasy]

2 minutes ago, Busrider said:

Sorry to tell the obvious: You have to stay inside your comfort zone. So the only way to sex seems to sufficiently semi partner the 3rd person.

I don't think that's the answer for me. Being with someone else makes me feel terrible because they're not the person I have a connection to.

[Busrider]

Maybe we are misunderstanding each other.

The sad facts are:

It is sufficiently close to impossible to turn a repulsed asexual into a long term makeshift-sexual partner to not follow that thought at all.

If you feel 150% monogamous you are probably stuck.

So the way out is to establish a gap in your calendar and find a 2nd relationship to cramp into it, with all roots, connecting, long term bonding etc. it takes, just ditching the monogamy part.

[GilHamilton]

1 hour ago, Speakeasy said:

I don't think that's the answer for me. Being with someone else makes me feel terrible because they're not the person I have a connection to.

Hey there, Speakeasy. This is a rough place you're in and you definitely have my sympathy. 

 

You don't have a lot of options here. From what people have said before in this forum, the most successful mixed relationships have involved the following:

 

1) No sex within the relationship. The sexual partner would need to truly accept that there will be no sex involved. And this can be done - if you have a healthy and strong relationship in all other areas then you can make it work. Assuming you can stand to no longer experience sex. 

 

2) Compromise. Some aces are able to accept 'maintenance sex' once in a while. And while they may not take pleasure from the act itself, sometimes they can get enjoyment from giving pleasure to their partner. Sometimes - you cannot force this sort of thing. 

 

3) Open/poly/etc. Assuming your relationship is strong (and you continue to work to keep it that way) some people find success with the sexual person having outside partners or relationships. Given you state you have no interest in sex with someone you have no connection with, this would include polyamory, which allows for emotional bonds with all your partners. 

 

There is is no right answer here. All of these are difficult and every situation needs its own particular solution. You need to work with your partner to find what is best for both of you. Counselling may be a good option to work this out. 

 

Here's the firm final thought though: you are responsible for your happiness. In relationships you must decide what you can live with and what you can't. If you can't live with it you must get out. For you and your partner. 

 

If your partner doesn't want any sex ever, that's their choice and you have to accept that. That eliminates option 2. You then have to decide:

- Can you live happily with never having sex again? If so, option 1 works. 

- Can you consider having multiple relationships? Then option 3 is possible. 

 

If if you cannot do either of those...well you know what must happen. 

[Sourkrause]

Thanks I feel like I have some similar choices to make.

[Sourkrause]

Hello everyone, I'm just a young lass who really has never felt something close to love before—until now. A good friend of mine, who's captivated me ever since I first saw her, is asexual. We're very physically affectionate but she is sexually repulsed and finds kissing "grody". I really don't know much about asexuality and am honestly in a bit over my head. I don't know whether or not I want to persue a relationship beyond friendship, despite my feelings, and if not I still want to be there for her and understand what she's going through.

 

I guess lm just searching for better understanding and a sounding board to work out my feelings.

 

Edited April 6, 2017 by Sourkrause
Typo

[GilHamilton]

4 hours ago, Sourkrause said:

Hello everyone, I'm just a young lass who really has never felt something close to love before—until now. A good friend of mine, who's captivated me ever since I first saw her, is asexual. We're very physically affectionate but she is sexually repulsed and finds kissing "grody". I really don't know much about asexuality and am honestly in a bit over my head. I don't know whether or not I want to peruse a relationship beyond friendship, despite my feelings, and if not I still want to be there for her and understand what she's going through.

 

I guess lm just searching for better understanding and a sounding board to work out my feelings.

 

Well you're in the right place for that.

[CherrySoul]

Hello everybody  I am very new here and I first wanted to say thank you so much for this support thread and for the possibility to learn more.

 

As the sexual partner in my relationship I want to try to compromise but it sort of breaks me  I feel so insecure and unattractive despite the fact that my boyfriend keeps telling me it's not about my attractiveness or whatever else...it's just that he is not ready and hasn't been in 3 years and being a virgin I don't even know what i need and don't need.(I only know I get aroused every time I see or touch him).He is also my very first boyfriend, we are both 20.

When it comes to compromising, we have his foot fetish which we have extensively explored and also petting and similar bedroom activities but no intercourse, no oral and basically nothing traditionally refered to as 'third base'.

I believe sex would be lovely since we could bond and be the closest we can get (i dunno if that makes sense)...He thinks so too, but is not yet comfortable with the idea. I respect this, of course, but I feel very uncomfortable about it :c

I have no idea what to do. I have often cried a lot because of this and have no clue how to make it all feel better. Recently I am crying almost daily thinking that he will never find me attractive THAT way. Before I googled it for ages, neither of us even knew what asexual meant and the realization made me feel extremely strange.

 

On the one hand, I know full well that society raises certain standards and expectations and that I shouldn't be letting this get to my self-worth and become an obession; but on the other hand I can't help feeling sort of broken inside. It is not so much the norm as my personal feelings making my life difficult...

 

Sorry my post is quite chaotic and unhelpful but I would like to know if there are any ways you know of that might help me personally in order to better cope with this?

 

 

thank you so much once again

[MrDane]

@CherrySoul it is not just society, who makes up the idea about wanting that mutual sexual experience. If he truly is asexual and you want to have sex with him, then you need to word it out clearly. My guess is, that some asexuals are terrible at getting the small signs about what the sexual needs. 

I think it is ok to say, that you need to try out how it will feel to reach third base. He migth still not desire you or find you sexy. 

[nanogretchen4]

CherrySoul, at present you are crying almost every day because you are in this incompatible relationship, right? A happy relationship doesn't make you cry every day. A break up may make you cry every day for a month or so, but then things will start to get better. You are twenty. You are at a very important stage for discovering things about yourself and getting to know people. Over the next several years you may meet someone that you could have a long and happy relationship with, maybe even someone you will want to marry and start a family with. But you will be denying yourself all that future happiness if you stay in a relationship can never meet your needs and is causing you so much pain.

[Lara Black]

On 26.04.2017 at 8:47 PM, CherrySoul said:

I have no idea what to do. I have often cried a lot because of this and have no clue how to make it all feel better. Recently I am crying almost daily thinking that he will never find me attractive THAT way. Before I googled it for ages, neither of us even knew what asexual meant and the realization made me feel extremely strange.

 

On the one hand, I know full well that society raises certain standards and expectations and that I shouldn't be letting this get to my self-worth and become an obession; but on the other hand I can't help feeling sort of broken inside. It is not so much the norm as my personal feelings making my life difficult...

 

On 27.04.2017 at 0:35 AM, MrDane said:

I think it is ok to say, that you need to try out how it will feel to reach third base. He migth still not desire you or find you sexy. 

 

I agree with MrDane. From what I’ve read here and my personal experience, desire is the one thing you won’t get from an ace partner. Quite some asexuals are ready to have sex for the sake of their partners, but it doesn’t make the couple closer – it’s just a way for the sexual to get off.

I think, what you need to do is arrange your priorities. What do you really need? Is it to get reassurance about your looks and/or other qualities that you feel insecure about? Is it sexual relief? Or intimacy? If you need to be desired, it’s highly doubtful your partner can give you that. If you want intimacy or physical satisfaction, you might be able to find your own, individual ways to get that in your couple.

[nanogretchen4]

CherrySoul, I think it is highly likely that what you really need in a longterm relationship is sex and romance with a reasonably compatible person who makes you happy, not miserable. And this need is utterly normal and natural, and shared by the great majority of the population. I doubt very much that your desire to have sex with a partner who is capable of reciprocating your desire is the result of low self esteem or peer pressure. Probably it's just your sexual orientation, which is every bit as real and valid as your asexual partner's much rarer orientation. Please do not let anyone shame you or make you feel broken for being an average person. I really do think that now you and your partner have realized that you have incompatible sexual orientations, this would be a good time to rip the band aid off and move on.

[Mimesis]

CherrySoul, I joined AVEN trying to understand my husband, who seems to be asexual. I am highly sexual, and this marriage has become a nightmare to me. We have a good relationship in general, but sex is such an important part of life for sexuals that it is like going through life feeling hungry or thirsty all the time. This necessity is always there, and never goes away. Maybe the best metaphor for this would be to live feeling the withdrawal symptoms from a drug you cannot have anymore. You are too young to go through this. If my husband had told me the truth before we got married, I would very much have chosen to break up, suffer a lot for some months from a broken heart and then heal (broken hearts always heal). You need to know that your boyfriend cannot feel attraction for you, and it is not about who you are or what you look like. If he hasn`t been able to feel attracted until now, he never will. It`s not his choice, and no amount of talking will solve this problem. He cannot choose to feel attracted, the same way you cannot choose to feel attracted to somebody who you don`t feel attracted to. The only difference is that your boyfriend never feels attracted to anybody. He cannot make his body respond. Women may find ways around a non-responsive body, although I would never recommend it. But a guy cannot fake an erection. I can easily imagine how bad I would feel if somebody demanded or tried to coax me into sex if I didn`t feel attracted to them. You two will be much happier with compatible partners.

[CherrySoul]

Thank you so much for all your replies  

 

The problem is that I love him too much to just break up because of this...especially since he is not actually repulsed by sex or refusing to satisfy me. In that case I think I woukld rather break up than have us both suffer over it, but he is not repulsed, just nervous and not ready. I assume that, if it worked for so many other people, it might work for us. I simply want to try as hard as possible and I assume I'll figure it out when it gets too much?

We have similar expectations of the future and if everything goes smoothly we do intend to get married and start a family  the only thing I truly worry about is the future, a future as you describe it, Mimesis. Not the very near future but the next 10-15 years. He tells me I should not be worrying about this so much, and he is confident that we will solve our issues and that he will find a way to make me happy and have both be comfortable with it.

I understand he does not feel attracted to me sexually, and that he never will be attracted to me that way, but neither will he be attracted in anyone else. So it is neither my fault, nor his.

I feel strange about this because I can only think of three possibilities:

• I break up, find another guy who is sexual enough to take care of those needs of mine for sure, but I miss my current boyfriend and wonder how it would be like to be with him all the time
• I break up and go for sex rather than for the person and I end up really disappointed, feeling unloved
• I stay in this relationship, try to make it work, and understand that love and trying to work with what you have is worth much more than feeling desired 

nanogretchen4, we are happy in every other aspect of the relationship, it seems, and I cannot really bear the thought of breaking up with him  

MrDane he knows exactly what I want, but he is not ready for it. He is attracted in me more in the sense that he finds me beautiful, and since he has a foot fetish, he is very turned on and responsive when I do something foot-related.

 I would not say he is not attracted in me, it's just that he is not interested in sex with me... I don't know if these are the same. Sometimes I think my expectations are the problem, some other times I am convinced I am in the wrong relationship. However, as soon as we meet and have such great times together, I feel guilty for even questioning our relationship.

[cupid69]

On 5/7/2017 at 6:18 PM, CherrySoul said:

Thank you so much for all your replies  

 

The problem is that I love him too much to just break up because of this...especially since he is not actually repulsed by sex or refusing to satisfy me. In that case I think I woukld rather break up than have us both suffer over it, but he is not repulsed, just nervous and not ready. I assume that, if it worked for so many other people, it might work for us. I simply want to try as hard as possible and I assume I'll figure it out when it gets too much?

We have similar expectations of the future and if everything goes smoothly we do intend to get married and start a family  the only thing I truly worry about is the future, a future as you describe it, Mimesis. Not the very near future but the next 10-15 years. He tells me I should not be worrying about this so much, and he is confident that we will solve our issues and that he will find a way to make me happy and have both be comfortable with it.

I understand he does not feel attracted to me sexually, and that he never will be attracted to me that way, but neither will he be attracted in anyone else. So it is neither my fault, nor his.

I feel strange about this because I can only think of three possibilities:

• I break up, find another guy who is sexual enough to take care of those needs of mine for sure, but I miss my current boyfriend and wonder how it would be like to be with him all the time
• I break up and go for sex rather than for the person and I end up really disappointed, feeling unloved
• I stay in this relationship, try to make it work, and understand that love and trying to work with what you have is worth much more than feeling desired 

nanogretchen4, we are happy in every other aspect of the relationship, it seems, and I cannot really bear the thought of breaking up with him  

MrDane he knows exactly what I want, but he is not ready for it. He is attracted in me more in the sense that he finds me beautiful, and since he has a foot fetish, he is very turned on and responsive when I do something foot-related.

 I would not say he is not attracted in me, it's just that he is not interested in sex with me... I don't know if these are the same. Sometimes I think my expectations are the problem, some other times I am convinced I am in the wrong relationship. However, as soon as we meet and have such great times together, I feel guilty for even questioning our relationship.

CherrySoul. I've been the sexual in an relationship with my asexual wife for over 25 years. The yearning for a sexual relationship never goes away so if you can live with that then so be it. For your information I'm still running with my marriage because when I finally understood my wife's sexual identity, we had 3 children under the age of 2 and I wanted to be there full time for them. I do love my wife and I hope she still loves me but we have a barren sex life, no cuddles or intimacy (in case she thinks I want to have more than a platonic relationship).

Sure, it tears me up and I yearn to hold and cuddle and have more fulfillment in my life but it is impossible as she does not want to talk about it. 

Love is very powerful but unfulfillment eats into your soul. Make a good choice for yourself and run with it.

[CherrySoul]

On 10.5.2017 at 8:52 PM, Apostle said:

CherrySoul. I've been the sexual in an relationship with my asexual wife for over 25 years. The yearning for a sexual relationship never goes away so if you can live with that then so be it. For your information I'm still running with my marriage because when I finally understood my wife's sexual identity, we had 3 children under the age of 2 and I wanted to be there full time for them. I do love my wife and I hope she still loves me but we have a barren sex life, no cuddles or intimacy (in case she thinks I want to have more than a platonic relationship).

Sure, it tears me up and I yearn to hold and cuddle and have more fulfillment in my life but it is impossible as she does not want to talk about it. 

Love is very powerful but unfulfillment eats into your soul. Make a good choice for yourself and run with it.

Thank you a lot for replying and sharing your experience, I will take your advice to heart. 

(I truly hope you will find a friendly, constructive way to talk to her, and perhaps you could figure out some little compromise I have recently read a very helpful book that is meant for married couples, but probably a very useful and quick read for anybody, by Gary Chapman - The Five Love Languages)

[Married&Lost]

Hi I'm new to this board and I'm in a similar situation... I've been married to my husband for 12 years and we have 4 kids. I had NO idea about asexuality or what it was until I read this article on SnapChat (of all paces I know) that was talking about aromantics. I googled it came upon your board and the 💡 went off... I think my husband maybe asexual. I'm having a VERY HARD time with this and not sure how to handle our situation any more. I'm a very sexual person and my husband has no desire for sex, holding hands, cuddling, making out or anything. I told him that I was willing to meet him half way and he said he would agree to making out with me once a month... Well that compromise was made sometime last year and so far we've made out a handful of times 3-4... It hurts that he won't commit to the arrangement he "commited to" I'm tired of having the same fight over and over and over and over again with nothing changing. I want to try to make this work for our kids and for us but I don't know how. I want to be supportive but I don't know how. He says he's not repulsed by sex or making out or holding hands or cudgeling it's just not his list of priorities which really HURTS 😿

[brassyhub]

I don't want to be too pessimistic, but my own experience is that compromise and middle ground may never be found. We've been married nearly 40 years, and four years ago, my wife finally 'came out' to herself and to me as a lesbian... albeit now an asexual lesbian. So at least I understand why there's long been no desire for intimacy on her side. But yes, it really hurts, and no, it doesn't (at least for me) ever get any easier. So I could leave, I have good reason to leave, but I've chosen to stay. We share many good things, deep friendship and complicity. But no sexual intimacy. And I try to come to terms with the fact that this is not going to change, it cannot. So I live from day to day, cherishing and savouring the good things that we do share, and I allow myself to go on mourning what I do not have and long for...

 

But if you really want to give change every chance, you must insist on therapy together. As I did... So all the therapy has given me considerable understanding of sexuality in general, but has not changed my reality one iota.

[MrDane]

On 27/5/2017 at 5:12 PM, Married&Lost said:

Hi I'm new to this board and I'm in a similar situation... I've been married to my husband for 12 years and we have 4 kids. I had NO idea about asexuality or what it was until I read this article on SnapChat (of all paces I know) that was talking about aromantics. I googled it came upon your board and the 💡 went off... I think my husband maybe asexual. I'm having a VERY HARD time with this and not sure how to handle our situation any more. I'm a very sexual person and my husband has no desire for sex, holding hands, cuddling, making out or anything. I told him that I was willing to meet him half way and he said he would agree to making out with me once a month... Well that compromise was made sometime last year and so far we've made out a handful of times 3-4... It hurts that he won't commit to the arrangement he "commited to" I'm tired of having the same fight over and over and over and over again with nothing changing. I want to try to make this work for our kids and for us but I don't know how. I want to be supportive but I don't know how. He says he's not repulsed by sex or making out or holding hands or cudgeling it's just not his list of priorities which really HURTS 😿

@Married&Lost I think I understand your story. You can write a personal message if you want to chat more privatly. I just want to comment on the idea about a compromise. If I would like sex 2 times a week, that makes it roughly 100 times a year. What is a good compromise between 100 and perhaps 0 or 1? If that is 2 times a year, then it will be far to less for me, but every second times she has sex, will be to much? The mindset needs to change. Not a compromise, but a good, solid agreement. Not very sexy, though!

[Married&Lost]

On 5/28/2017 at 9:55 AM, brassyhub said:

I don't want to be too pessimistic, but my own experience is that compromise and middle ground may never be found. We've been married nearly 40 years, and four years ago, my wife finally 'came out' to herself and to me as a lesbian... albeit now an asexual lesbian. So at least I understand why there's long been no desire for intimacy on her side. But yes, it really hurts, and no, it doesn't (at least for me) ever get any easier. So I could leave, I have good reason to leave, but I've chosen to stay. We share many good things, deep friendship and complicity. But no sexual intimacy. And I try to come to terms with the fact that this is not going to change, it cannot. So I live from day to day, cherishing and savouring the good things that we do share, and I allow myself to go on mourning what I do not have and long for...

 

But if you really want to give change every chance, you must insist on therapy together. As I did... So all the therapy has given me considerable understanding of sexuality in general, but has not changed my reality one iota.

We are going to therapy... I think it's time to find a new therapist that has more knowledge in this area..

[cupid69]

On 5/28/2017 at 5:55 PM, brassyhub said:

I don't want to be too pessimistic, but my own experience is that compromise and middle ground may never be found. We've been married nearly 40 years, and four years ago, my wife finally 'came out' to herself and to me as a lesbian... albeit now an asexual lesbian. So at least I understand why there's long been no desire for intimacy on her side. But yes, it really hurts, and no, it doesn't (at least for me) ever get any easier. So I could leave, I have good reason to leave, but I've chosen to stay. We share many good things, deep friendship and complicity. But no sexual intimacy. And I try to come to terms with the fact that this is not going to change, it cannot. So I live from day to day, cherishing and savouring the good things that we do share, and I allow myself to go on mourning what I do not have and long for...

 

But if you really want to give change every chance, you must insist on therapy together. As I did... So all the therapy has given me considerable understanding of sexuality in general, but has not changed my reality one iota.

I'm with you there 100% Brassyhub. My experience is exactly the same as yours and yes, finding the things that you both enjoy becomes the glue that still binds a relationship. However, I think this requires a great amount of understanding, patience and realisation that nothing will change on the sexual side of things. Only maturity in thought can make this happen and I think we both must have this. I had three young children when I finally came to the conclusion that our sexual compatibility would not work so for me it was all about enjoying the family and sacrificing my own identity as a sexual person. Coming to terms with that was not and is still not easy but we only have one life to live so making that best of it is a priority.

[cupid69]

On 5/31/2017 at 8:09 PM, Married&Lost said:

We are going to therapy... I think it's time to find a new therapist that has more knowledge in this area..

 

On 5/29/2017 at 8:51 PM, MrDane said:

@Married&Lost I think I understand your story. You can write a personal message if you want to chat more privatly. I just want to comment on the idea about a compromise. If I would like sex 2 times a week, that makes it roughly 100 times a year. What is a good compromise between 100 and perhaps 0 or 1? If that is 2 times a year, then it will be far to less for me, but every second times she has sex, will be to much? The mindset needs to change. Not a compromise, but a good, solid agreement. Not very sexy, though!

Bartering for sexual enjoyment is a bit like paying to have sex, isn't it? If your partner is only having sex to please you she is not giving you sex willingly and to me that is not an option. To me, sex should be a shared enjoyment, not a barter. So, you give me sex and I'll do the washing up. Really?

[MrDane]

7 hours ago, Apostle said:

 

Bartering for sexual enjoyment is a bit like paying to have sex, isn't it? If your partner is only having sex to please you she is not giving you sex willingly and to me that is not an option. To me, sex should be a shared enjoyment, not a barter. So, you give me sex and I'll do the washing up. Really?

Well @Apostle, if my wife had a inner desire to have sex, then I would go far to nourish and take care of that 'flame', but as it more a question about how often she is ok with giving me this nice massage, and she will be happy about making me happy and therefore i will love to find a way to make her happy, because i love her and she loves me. There is no flame. It is a matter of mutual agreement. How much and in what way (piv or...?) is to much or to little for both of us to enjoy? 

 

I choose her, including the feeling of loneliness and the sligth case of depression that comes with the lack of sexual interest, and I do not keep a score. But the question is: when is it morally acceptable to pull the plug on a relationship. Is that when you no longer love eachother or when the pain of staying is more than the pain of letting go? I need to be a good and caring father as well and I have the rigth to pursue and figth for happyness. So does she.

 

sex is not always a shared enjoyment like between two sexuals when one part is asexual. It is a bit like talking to someone, telling them your most important story, and they put on earphones and listen to music instead.

 

[The Dryad]

It depends on the type of asexual- are they sex repulsed or sex positive? If the person is sex positive, then even if they aren't sexually attracted to you, then the act of sex will bring some comfort. But idk from experience, just reading different definitions of people. Honestly though, I think asexuals and sexuals aren't compatible on a basic level, because of problems like these keep arising. Someone either feels unwanted or someone ends up feeling raped. Maybe that's too blunt of a generalization, but that's what I've seen.

[Married&Lost]

10 hours ago, Apostle said:

 

Bartering for sexual enjoyment is a bit like paying to have sex, isn't it? If your partner is only having sex to please you she is not giving you sex willingly and to me that is not an option. To me, sex should be a shared enjoyment, not a barter. So, you give me sex and I'll do the washing up. Really?

@Apostle I'm very new to all this asexual/greysexual orientation, so if I offend someone I'm sorry it was not my intention.... Upon further reading I think my husband falls more into the greysexual spectrum. I'm not bartering for sex with my husband. I agree with you 100% should be a shared enjoyment. 

Whats wrong with finding a new therapist to get a better understanding of all this in order to be more supportive? 

 

[cupid69]

20 hours ago, Married&Lost said:

@Apostle I'm very new to all this asexual/greysexual orientation, so if I offend someone I'm sorry it was not my intention.... Upon further reading I think my husband falls more into the greysexual spectrum. I'm not bartering for sex with my husband. I agree with you 100% should be a shared enjoyment. 

Whats wrong with finding a new therapist to get a better understanding of all this in order to be more supportive? 

 

M&L. I think you should start on the basis that you will not have a sexual relationship. Then, work out between you and your partner what it is that you both enjoy doing together. Remember, sex between consenting people has always been some sort of trade off so it's not like its a given. If you love your partner then it is much more difficult but you must both do what you both feel comfortable with and don't rush into doing something stupid. Life's a bitch and it passes by very quickly. Your family is the most important thing in your life and you can put all your love into them. The rewards will be greater for it.

[Gleep]

I've been sitting here reading this thread all morning and it's had me in tears.... and convinced me to join.

 

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. He is my joy, my strength, my refuge. He is the center of my universe... and I am of his. We are poly, and I have my lady love as well. 

 

He's also asexual. While he enjoys sex, it's not something he craves. I can't tease him, I can't make him desire me sexually. But he is a cuddler, we are extremely touchy feely, always holding hands, (we make a lot of folks sick). I answer his phone calls with "Hello my sexy man" 

 

I'm demi-saipo-bi, but with an emphasis towards the female form in attraction. He's one of two men I've ever found truly attractive. Otherwise I've been quoted a lot "A naked man isn't sexy, a naked man is comedy." 

 

I was very badly emotionally abused in my previous marriage. "I know what's wrong with you, you're not just NOT sexy, you are The Epitome of anti-sexy" or "You just have this repulsive aura, this anti-flirt field" .. and you can let your imagination run wild from there. I'm "not worth the effort" and a whole lot of other baggage. And bless my love's heart, he managed to trip and fall directly into those old wounds and open everything up again. 

 

Our agreement was once per month. I've always had a fairly high drive (once a week) but after years of being repulsive to my ex, I got used to nothing. I happen to be fairly passionate with my loves.. I WANT and NEED... and I take a great deal of pleasure in ... their pleasure with what I can do to them. And with my ex (let's call him M), I lost the ability to please him, and I wasn't worth the effort for him to please me. Then came J. Oh he's just damn perfect. Yummy and wonderful, and has the most amazing scent.... and he would FLIRT! Nobody had flirted with me for years. My habit of collecting hobbies and being passionate about them went along with his... and basically we get along like a house on fire. 

 

This year has been HARD. Between the loss of his job, finding a new one at a significant pay cut, loss of our lady, health issues, and some severe ongoing money issues, I was feeling kind of abandoned. It'd been since February that we'd even attempted to play and while I was trying to be patient, I needed the refill of intimacy. I NEEDED the refuge of him. And after five minutes of play, he asked "Are you done yet or do you want me to keep going?" 

 

I know he didn't mean how that sounds... but good god he tripped over every insecurity I had and I'm still reeling from it. Three hours of extremely soggy talk about it that night, another four hours last night slightly more rational, and .... part of me is kinda better? At least I know he didn't mean it, but DAMN. More often than not I feel like it doesn't matter what gender I am, I'm just a buddy to him. Yes, it's us against the world together, but I'm his gaming / camping / hiking / "pick a random hobby and insert here" buddy. I got so defensive after the screw up, part of me wanted to show him a little of the rejection I feel from him every day.... and that's not in my mental repertoire. To take something that feeds his soul and refuse to give it to him for four months. That rejection, that unwanted feeling, that NOTHING that I can ever do, no matter how hard I work, how hard I try, how much I do, I will NEVER make him want me. That has passed, but there's times I just feel so completely worthless. Undesirable. Unlovable. The "anti-sexy". And of course, we've gone round and round about this for years. It's about the only thing that we do fight over. I get in a spiral of depression and can't see the end of my own nose and no matter what he says, he can't get through my thick skull. I can't not see it about myself... and he can't understand how much I NEED that intimacy and how it feeds me. Even when we do get to play, he's Spock or a damn programmer. Push this button, this button and this button and WHEE! Um... dude, there's more to sex than the physical act of rubbing slimy bits.

 

I'm sorry for the ramble, but it just amazed and shocked me to see others with the same problems. 

[Guest]

On 6/8/2017 at 6:48 PM, Gleep said:

I've been sitting here reading this thread all morning and it's had me in tears.... and convinced me to join.

Oh I hear you - and I have just come across the forum and done the same. Balling my eyes out - especially as it is 'horney week' for me - a week I never noticed until I ceased to have sex in my life.

 

My partner is an introvert and we started out being in a poly relationship, that technically has not changed, but our inability to communicate and our diminishing sex life makes all of this hard.

Being an introvert he is blunt and truthful. 3 years ago he told me he did not find me attractive and then the sex started to dry up. It has gnawed away at me and has really hit my self esteem hard. He insists he loves me and that he handled that situation in the wrong way 3 years ago and is kicking himself. There are many things he finds attractive about me. But he never tells me what they are. I get little reassurance. I need reassurance - I never knew quite how much until now - but i do!

He has muttered occasionally that he may be a bit asexual (I guess probably grey-A) but we have bit managed to progress the conversation further. He tells me wanting sex is reasonable and something he wants to do for me - but even if I ask for it and we agree a time it never really happens and if it does his heart is clearly not in it (not like when we were first together) and I feel like a bad person for 'forcing' him. I mentioned a few weeks ago that being intimate is important to me and he said the same was important to him - but I could not seem to get him to move the conversation along to what that really meant for him!

I don't want to force someone I love and respect dearly to do something he is not comfortable with, but I am climbing the walls with sexual frustration and getting more and more depressed at the lack of reassurance about what it is that make being together something he even wants to do (like many introverts he is very self-sufficient - if we were not together he would miss me but I doubt he would miss being in a relationship).

Even the possibility of having relationships with others is affected by this. I am afraid that the attention and reassurance of another person would change my feelings toward him. I don't feel that we have the right level of competence at communication to go there. 

I spend lots of time reading about how to make an introvert/extrovert relationship work, about sexual difference and how to change communication style. I try and work with him to implement some compromise/change but nothing much happens. I feel like I am doing this all on my own. 

[lilladyeva]

On 2017-06-11 at 0:21 PM, lauraN4 said:

Oh I hear you - and I have just come across the forum and done the same. Balling my eyes out - especially as it is 'horney week' for me - a week I never noticed until I ceased to have sex in my life.

 

My partner is an introvert and we started out being in a poly relationship, that technically has not changed, but our inability to communicate and our diminishing sex life makes all of this hard.

Being an introvert he is blunt and truthful. 3 years ago he told me he did not find me attractive and then the sex started to dry up. It has gnawed away at me and has really hit my self esteem hard. He insists he loves me and that he handled that situation in the wrong way 3 years ago and is kicking himself. There are many things he finds attractive about me. But he never tells me what they are. I get little reassurance. I need reassurance - I never knew quite how much until now - but i do!

He has muttered occasionally that he may be a bit asexual (I guess probably grey-A) but we have bit managed to progress the conversation further. He tells me wanting sex is reasonable and something he wants to do for me - but even if I ask for it and we agree a time it never really happens and if it does his heart is clearly not in it (not like when we were first together) and I feel like a bad person for 'forcing' him. I mentioned a few weeks ago that being intimate is important to me and he said the same was important to him - but I could not seem to get him to move the conversation along to what that really meant for him!

I don't want to force someone I love and respect dearly to do something he is not comfortable with, but I am climbing the walls with sexual frustration and getting more and more depressed at the lack of reassurance about what it is that make being together something he even wants to do (like many introverts he is very self-sufficient - if we were not together he would miss me but I doubt he would miss being in a relationship).

Even the possibility of having relationships with others is affected by this. I am afraid that the attention and reassurance of another person would change my feelings toward him. I don't feel that we have the right level of competence at communication to go there. 

I spend lots of time reading about how to make an introvert/extrovert relationship work, about sexual difference and how to change communication style. I try and work with him to implement some compromise/change but nothing much happens. I feel like I am doing this all on my own. 

What I am struck by is that you seem to be doing all of the work trying to make this work. You are doing all the reading, the exploration and starting the conversations. It has to be both ways. It sounds like there is more trouble in your relationship than just sex issues. It may be time to talk to your partner about what they are willing to do to make it work. Are they willing to go see a couples counsellor ? The conversations you are not having seem to be the more concerning part.

[DarkDragon]

Hello I'm new here and looking for answers as I'm both confused and starting to get upset, my partner is sexual and a needy one at that. We have been together for two years then we broke up for a while before getting back together, I love him with all my heart and we have issues like many couples but the main is sex, I do not want it and he says he understands but he needs it in his life, what do I do, we have spoken of compromise and have come up to a agreement that didn't fall through as the thought of having sex or doing anything sexual with him cause me to become stressed and physical sick to the point on the day that we agreed I broke down and went to my family's who are none the wiser of my problems. I couldn't face him for a week after that because I feel as if I'd let him down and he told me that's not the cause he wants to understand how I feel. We have done a bit of foreplay but it was boring and he said 'its like trying to get a corpse to move' as I just stiffened up and didn't make a sound. I love him to pieces and the first break up was caused by him pushing me to far and family problems.

I have low self esteem issues and hate how I look and the way my body is, so getting naked is a problem for me and he doesn't understand this, I've explained my views many times but he's still pushing for a compromise. We are both virgins and he has been talking to his friends who have told him they should leave me and why was he with me. He says he loves me with all his heart.

[nanogretchen4]

It doesn't sound like this relationship is making either of you happy. Your sexual orientation will not change. His sexual orientation will not change. I think it's time for you both to move on.