• Announcements

    • Kelly

      New Team members Needed--Moderator, Project Team, and Declass Team: Voting   12/10/13

      See:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164659-new-declass-team-member-needed-voting/   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164657-new-moderator-member-needed-qa-co-mod-and-world-watch-mod-voting/   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164656-new-project-team-member-needed-resources-and-education-director-voting/  
    • Kelly

      AVENues Holiday Special Edition is now live   08/17/17

      The new edition of AVENues is done!   See:        
    • Lady Girl

      Ace Community Census   11/06/17

      It’s time for the 2017 Ace Community Census!   see:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/162675-announcing-the-2017-ace-community-census/  
    • Heart

      Help fund AVEN's servers!   11/06/17

      AVEN is doing its annual fundraiser to raise donations for server costs! See http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/163251-aven-server-fundraiser/ for more details.  
Lady Girl

Sexual Compromise & Support

Recommended Posts

Lady Girl
Yeah dude but OF COURSE I crashed yet another laptop, so I can only use my phone and its such a pain! but I missed ya'lls so much :)

:wub: You barely know how much I missed you! :wub:

I need to answer your question though, I missed it at first, the question about a compromise enduring for decades...I don't know! Our compromise is faltering at best, we keep trying though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skullery Maid

I think your and my sex lives have spiraled similarly... upon genuinely accepting asexuality, our partners' interest and willingness to participate in sex has declined very rapidly and is fast approaching zero. it sucks. I mean, its nice to have it all out on the table, but I was not expecting this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl
I think your and my sex lives have spiraled similarly... upon genuinely accepting asexuality, our partners' interest and willingness to participate in sex has declined very rapidly and is fast approaching zero. it sucks. I mean, its nice to have it all out on the table, but I was not expecting this.

I think you are right. I don't know why, but I actually think it can pull itself back onto it's feet again. If it doesn't, I think I'm hoping I can replace that loss with something else...don't ask me what.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skullery Maid

Haha I like your optimism. I was just watching "Year of the dog" and Molly Shannon's character says something to the effect of... it was enough for me last month, last week, yesterday, and it'll be enough for me next month too". It's hard to face the knowledge that I may never get off this cycle of feeling miserable every few weeks. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if I would experience more happiness, on average, if I ended this relationship. It's the constant wondering if I've made a mistake... an easily correctable mistake... that really plagues my mind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tadkitty
Yeah dude but OF COURSE I crashed yet another laptop, so I can only use my phone and its such a pain! but I missed ya'lls so much :)

im glad to see you back my friend

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jojo2003
I think your and my sex lives have spiraled similarly... upon genuinely accepting asexuality, our partners' interest and willingness to participate in sex has declined very rapidly and is fast approaching zero. it sucks. I mean, its nice to have it all out on the table, but I was not expecting this.

I think you are right. I don't know why, but I actually think it can pull itself back onto it's feet again. If it doesn't, I think I'm hoping I can replace that loss with something else...don't ask me what.

Haha I like your optimism. I was just watching "Year of the dog" and Molly Shannon's character says something to the effect of... it was enough for me last month, last week, yesterday, and it'll be enough for me next month too". It's hard to face the knowledge that I may never get off this cycle of feeling miserable every few weeks. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if I would experience more happiness, on average, if I ended this relationship. It's the constant wondering if I've made a mistake... an easily correctable mistake... that really plagues my mind.

Welcome back Skullery Maid!

We have had the same discussion over the last few days. I asked my partner why I seemed to be the one compromising in our relationship and why her limits seemed to move backwards rather that forwards. I felt like being in a very dodgy market place somewhere in the bush where every time I laid done an offer on the table, the counteroffer was getting higher rather than lowering to my price. I must say the analogy did not went down that well with my partner.

So yeah, I can relate to some things you say. But I am back with LG again in that I hope it will get back on its feet again. I fear that ending the relationship will not lead to more hapiness for me, but wonder every now and then (don't we all?) if I am betting on the right track.

Hope you can work things out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Empty Chairs & Tables
Haha I like your optimism. I was just watching "Year of the dog" and Molly Shannon's character says something to the effect of... it was enough for me last month, last week, yesterday, and it'll be enough for me next month too". It's hard to face the knowledge that I may never get off this cycle of feeling miserable every few weeks. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if I would experience more happiness, on average, if I ended this relationship. It's the constant wondering if I've made a mistake... an easily correctable mistake... that really plagues my mind.
I fear that ending the relationship will not lead to more hapiness for me, but wonder every now and then (don't we all?) if I am betting on the right track.

How does one know? Or how can one be comfortable/stable with one's choice to continue in the relationship without knowing for sure whether it is the best decision/leads to the most happiness? (This is coming from someone who struggles with anxiety issues and overanalyzes absolutely everything.... Oh, and I am the asexual in a mixed relationship, not the sexual, oddly enough.)

Or maybe the better question is how do you deal with the unknowing?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas
possible TMI


But I feel after reading all the post on compromising on this thread that this is where I should post what I have the biggest problem with in my Gray A/Sexual relationship. I am the sexual female in the relationship and have only last year discovered our problem had a label called Asexuality. When I first posted I felt I was attacked for my feelings and stopped responding until now. I have noticed that MANY not all are much younger than I and a lot of what I experienced did not seem to apply to them. So forgive me once again if I step on toes. But I feel some of you are finally at the point that I was when I first joined.


When you can start to understand that after compromising and compromising and getting less and less and fewer responses you may now understand where I was. There comes a point where the Asexual holds all the cards ..if not All then MOST. No matter how hard you try to get your partner to want you or how long you go with out in hopes that they will understand you are not trying to pressure them and giving them the chance to show their interest in your feeling and make the first move only to find that the time between becomes longer and longer. And when you put more effort in to making things good for your non interested partner so that they can get some form of enjoyment out of the union in hopes of gaining some ground that will allow you to have a more meaningful union the next time only to loose all pleasure for yourself in the effort to give to them. Then when the ability of your partner comes to a point where he is no longer able to keep and erection because you find out that during all the time you were waiting for them to want you they were taking care of themselves and now they have trained their self to the tightness of their hand so that the minute they enter you they go soft because they can't feel you, all hope starts to go out the window.


We have been married 40 years and no one has any idea there is or ever has been a problem and at our age once ED enters the scene there is little that can be done to reverse the outcome. When each sexual union must stand on its own merit and there are no memories or desires to fuel the want. There is less and less to bargain with and for.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally
There comes a point where the Asexual holds all the cards ..if not All then MOST. No matter how hard you try to get your partner to want you or how long you go with out in hopes that they will understand you are not trying to pressure them and giving them the chance to show their interest in your feeling and make the first move only to find that the time between becomes longer and longer. And when you put more effort in to making things good for your non interested partner so that they can get some form of enjoyment out of the union in hopes of gaining some ground that will allow you to have a more meaningful union the next time only to loose all pleasure for yourself in the effort to give to them. Then when the ability of your partner comes to a point where he is no longer able to keep and erection because you find out that during all the time you were waiting for them to want you they were taking care of themselves and now they have trained their self to the tightness of their hand so that the minute they enter you they go soft because they can't feel you, all hope starts to go out the window.
We have been married 40 years and no one has any idea there is or ever has been a problem and at our age once ED enters the scene there is little that can be done to reverse the outcome. When each sexual union must stand on its own merit and there are no memories or desires to fuel the want. There is less and less to bargain with and for.

Down in Texas, you may be misunderstanding what asexuality is, especially in a person who doesn't enjoy sex. Asexuality can be described either as not feeling sexual attraction to anyone, or not wanting partnered sex. Neither of those descriptions refer to certain individuals -- in other words, if your partner is indeed asexual, that means that he isn't interested in sex with anyone. His dislike of sex isn't directed to you.

Asexuality doesn't mean someone doesn't have a libido -- some asexuals satisfy their libido by masturbation, That is easier to do because it doesn't involve having to perform with a partner, and they don't want partnered sex.

There is no way to get someone to feel like they want sex. You can't change someone else's physical feelings, or lack thereof. They may be willing to compromise and have sex to accede to their partner's feelings, but speaking as a person who did that for 40+ years, it is not pleasant and eventually it becomes more unpleasant to the point where it's just not possible anymore.

Think of it this way: You would not expect to lose your desire for partnered sex just because someone wanted you to, would you? That's part of you; how could you be expected to do that? Likewise, someone who's not interested in partnered sex can't develop that interest just because someone wants them to.

Your situation is quite a bit like someone else in a 40-year marriage who has posted recently -- but they were male. They were just as upset as you are. But after 40 years, it may be time to either recognize that it's unlikely things will change, or make a decision to leave. That's your decision.

However, you should not try to influence other people to leave because of your unhappy experience. That is their decision.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

Haha I like your optimism. I was just watching "Year of the dog" and Molly Shannon's character says something to the effect of... it was enough for me last month, last week, yesterday, and it'll be enough for me next month too". It's hard to face the knowledge that I may never get off this cycle of feeling miserable every few weeks. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if I would experience more happiness, on average, if I ended this relationship. It's the constant wondering if I've made a mistake... an easily correctable mistake... that really plagues my mind.

I fear that ending the relationship will not lead to more hapiness for me, but wonder every now and then (don't we all?) if I am betting on the right track.

How does one know? Or how can one be comfortable/stable with one's choice to continue in the relationship without knowing for sure whether it is the best decision/leads to the most happiness? (This is coming from someone who struggles with anxiety issues and overanalyzes absolutely everything.... Oh, and I am the asexual in a mixed relationship, not the sexual, oddly enough.)

Or maybe the better question is how do you deal with the unknowing?

I deal with it (I guess) by reaffirming to myself I made the right choice...on my good days, which I've come to accept to be about 83% of the time (sometimes there are bad days for other reasons so I have to include those in the math). I think about the good stuff, and talk about it too. I also firmly believe that if I was with someone else I would mostly be about the same percentage of happy. That's just the way I look at it. Even when I'm super unhappy or even super mad at him (like I was earlier tonight...the lowdown rotten *!$*%@*$###), I have this voice in my head that keeps saying I love him or something stupid like that. Sure, I picture myself on my own, maybe with a different guy, but I knew, I do know...we'll make up. It wasn't a good night, but whatever, most of them are good.

I guess I get through the unknowing by entertaining those thoughts and then getting back to investing in us again.

possible TMI

But I feel after reading all the post on compromising on this thread that this is where I should post what I have the biggest problem with in my Gray A/Sexual relationship. I am the sexual female in the relationship and have only last year discovered our problem had a label called Asexuality. When I first posted I felt I was attacked for my feelings and stopped responding until now. I have noticed that MANY not all are much younger than I and a lot of what I experienced did not seem to apply to them. So forgive me once again if I step on toes. But I feel some of you are finally at the point that I was when I first joined.

When you can start to understand that after compromising and compromising and getting less and less and fewer responses you may now understand where I was. There comes a point where the Asexual holds all the cards ..if not All then MOST.

We have been married 40 years and no one has any idea there is or ever has been a problem and at our age once ED enters the scene there is little that can be done to reverse the outcome. When each sexual union must stand on its own merit and there are no memories or desires to fuel the want. There is less and less to bargain with and for.

Hi again Down in Texas...I remember you, but I don't quite recall everything that was going on at the time. I doubt you stepped on toes, like I said I don't really remember it all. Anyway, I'm glad you're back and I hope you can get some support from us. A lot of us would like to make the best of it, and make our relationships actually better. I think for me personally, I want to get away from feeling like I'm bargaining for attention from him. The attention he does give me is clearly not sexual, but I've been more and more appreciating him and his dorky ways.

I agree with Sally so much...she really helps me think about what it feels like for him in regards to all this. I think that's a big part of why I'm here, I want to be less resentful of how things turned out. I want to hear how some asexual people feel about sex, it helps me understand him.

I haven't been married as long as you, only 26 years for us. Nobody knows our issues either. I don't know what to say about your husband and the memories, but there is no want on their part. Again, Sally said it...asexual people don't desire sexual interaction with people, period. Based on what my husband has told me though, this is not something that he has no feelings about (he feels bad for me, unhappy at times that he doesn't feel the way I would like him to feel about sex, but he doesn't).

It can be so complicated, no?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

Based on what my husband has told me though, this is not something that he has no feelings about (he feels bad for me, unhappy at times that he doesn't feel the way I would like him to feel about sex, but he doesn't).

Lady's right. If we asexuals were partnered with other asexuals, or not partnered at all, we would not be unhappy. But if we are partnered with sexuals whom we love, we can't help but feel unhappy that our partners aren't happy.

However, if our sexual partners have known how we feel for years, have not left, and are still complaining about it and expecting us to change, well...we can get a bit testy. :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas
There comes a point where the Asexual holds all the cards ..if not All then MOST. No matter how hard you try to get your partner to want you or how long you go with out in hopes that they will understand you are not trying to pressure them and giving them the chance to show their interest in your feeling and make the first move only to find that the time between becomes longer and longer. And when you put more effort in to making things good for your non interested partner so that they can get some form of enjoyment out of the union in hopes of gaining some ground that will allow you to have a more meaningful union the next time only to loose all pleasure for yourself in the effort to give to them. Then when the ability of your partner comes to a point where he is no longer able to keep and erection because you find out that during all the time you were waiting for them to want you they were taking care of themselves and now they have trained their self to the tightness of their hand so that the minute they enter you they go soft because they can't feel you, all hope starts to go out the window.
We have been married 40 years and no one has any idea there is or ever has been a problem and at our age once ED enters the scene there is little that can be done to reverse the outcome. When each sexual union must stand on its own merit and there are no memories or desires to fuel the want. There is less and less to bargain with and for.

Down in Texas, you may be misunderstanding what asexuality is, especially in a person who doesn't enjoy sex. Asexuality can be described either as not feeling sexual attraction to anyone, or not wanting partnered sex. Neither of those descriptions refer to certain individuals -- in other words, if your partner is indeed asexual, that means that he isn't interested in sex with anyone. His dislike of sex isn't directed to you.

Asexuality doesn't mean someone doesn't have a libido -- some asexuals satisfy their libido by masturbation, That is easier to do because it doesn't involve having to perform with a partner, and they don't want partnered sex.

There is no way to get someone to feel like they want sex. You can't change someone else's physical feelings, or lack thereof. They may be willing to compromise and have sex to accede to their partner's feelings, but speaking as a person who did that for 40+ years, it is not pleasant and eventually it becomes more unpleasant to the point where it's just not possible anymore.

Think of it this way: You would not expect to lose your desire for partnered sex just because someone wanted you to, would you? That's part of you; how could you be expected to do that? Likewise, someone who's not interested in partnered sex can't develop that interest just because someone wants them to.

Your situation is quite a bit like someone else in a 40-year marriage who has posted recently -- but they were male. They were just as upset as you are. But after 40 years, it may be time to either recognize that it's unlikely things will change, or make a decision to leave. That's your decision.

However, you should not try to influence other people to leave because of your unhappy experience. That is their decision.

From Sally above I am sorry I dont know how to do the quotes yet so this is the best I can do..

Asexuality doesn't mean someone doesn't have a libido -- some asexuals satisfy their libido by masturbation, That is easier to do because it doesn't involve having to perform with a partner, and they don't want partnered sex.

There is no way to get someone to feel like they want sex. You can't change someone else's physical feelings, or lack thereof. They may be willing to compromise and have sex to accede to their partner's feelings, but speaking as a person who did that for 40+ years, it is not pleasant and eventually it becomes more unpleasant to the point where it's just not possible anymore.

You are making my point for me Sally. YOU have to understand I only learned about Asexuality last Feb. Until then I did not know what the problem was I was only dealing with the symptoms and behaviors that I had no answer to. I read every book I could find trying to understand what was going on in my Marriage. To no avail. I was doing everything in my power to try to fix what I didn’t know could not be fixed until Feb. I was making compromise after compromise but they were mostly one side because to him all was NORMAL and his needs were being met. Once I found AVEN I learned a LOT and discovered what I was dealing with. I never gave up on my marriage nor the man I love. But on the same token I never was given the chance that some on here have of knowing what their partner is before becoming entangled or emotionally evolved. There are some on this site that are as young as I was when I married (20) that already know about Asexuality something I was not fortunate enough to know. They have a choice and it is their choice to make. But I feel as if my life experience may be a tool that they MAY wish to know about in order to make a more comprehensive discussion.

another quote from Sally above

Think of it this way: You would not expect to lose your desire for partnered sex just because someone wanted you to, would you? That's part of you; how could you be expected to do that? Likewise, someone who's not interested in partnered sex can't develop that interest just because someone wants them to.

You are right again Sally but that is just what I was expected to do by not knowing about Asexuality before we were married and by him acting as if SEX was as natural and normal for him before we married. WE WERE VIRGINS and back then that is what was expected of young people. You did not experiment with sex if you were a "Good and Proper YOUNG COUPLE with strong religious believes". So I entered in to a Marriage with out all the facts that are now available to a lot of young couples. After entering in to this marriage IN GOOD FAITH. I discovered MY marriage was not NORMAL. In the beginning compromises worked to some degree. HE had to give a little and I began to give up more and more. Until we have arrived to the point we are today.

more from Sally above

Your situation is quite a bit like someone else in a 40-year marriage who has posted recently -- but they were male. They were just as upset as you are. But after 40 years, it may be time to either recognize that it's unlikely things will change, or make a decision to leave. That's your decision

I have recognized this a LONG time ago Sally, and I have MADE my CHOICE, I do LOVE HIM and I will stay to the end. But that does not take away the hurt and the loss of what could have been IF I had KNOWN what some of the younger people on the site know. I very well may have made a different choice. My only point now is to add my experience in order to give them some insight as to what may be ahead for them, when age and old habits meet and compromising is taken off the table not necessarily by either side. Tools I was not offered.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas
Haha I like your optimism. I was just watching "Year of the dog" and Molly Shannon's character says something to the effect of... it was enough for me last month, last week, yesterday, and it'll be enough for me next month too". It's hard to face the knowledge that I may never get off this cycle of feeling miserable every few weeks. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if I would experience more happiness, on average, if I ended this relationship. It's the constant wondering if I've made a mistake... an easily correctable mistake... that really plagues my mind.
I fear that ending the relationship will not lead to more hapiness for me, but wonder every now and then (don't we all?) if I am betting on the right track.

How does one know? Or how can one be comfortable/stable with one's choice to continue in the relationship without knowing for sure whether it is the best decision/leads to the most happiness? (This is coming from someone who struggles with anxiety issues and overanalyzes absolutely everything.... Oh, and I am the asexual in a mixed relationship, not the sexual, oddly enough.)

Or maybe the better question is how do you deal with the unknowing?

Life in it's self is UNKNOWN you just live each day to the best of your ability and hope and pray that things go the way you hope. There are no guaranties in life. My best friend was with me one morning and killed in an accident before noon. You live, laugh and LOVE while you can. When they are gone there is nothing left but the memories. So make them the best you can while you can.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

I have recognized this a LONG time ago Sally, and I have MADE my CHOICE, I do LOVE HIM and I will stay to the end. But that does not take away the hurt and the loss of what could have been IF I had KNOWN what some of the younger people on the site know. I very well may have made a different choice. My only point now is to add my experience in order to give them some insight as to what may be ahead for them, when age and old habits meet and compromising is taken off the table not necessarily by either side. Tools I was not offered.

I only learned about asexuality about 6 years ago. Until then, I simply thought I was somehow messed up, and I kept trying -- through a marriage and a long relationship -- to get better at sex so I could feel it the way my partners did. I wasn't offered any tools, either, because all I knew were sexuals, and a very sexual society. So I had a long life of thinking I was broken, messed up, not normal, you-name-it. There was a lot of advice for sexuals. There was none for asexuals.

I say the above because your feeling that asexuals are happier than sexuals in mixed relationships is not necessarily true. We know that we don't feel what others feel, and we often don't know why. If we seem to our sexual partners to be "happy" about less sex, it's because we're relieved we don't have to go through something that's either uninteresting, distasteful, or downright painful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

I have recognized this a LONG time ago Sally, and I have MADE my CHOICE, I do LOVE HIM and I will stay to the end. But that does not take away the hurt and the loss of what could have been IF I had KNOWN what some of the younger people on the site know. I very well may have made a different choice. My only point now is to add my experience in order to give them some insight as to what may be ahead for them, when age and old habits meet and compromising is taken off the table not necessarily by either side. Tools I was not offered.

I only learned about asexuality about 6 years ago. Until then, I simply thought I was somehow messed up, and I kept trying -- through a marriage and a long relationship -- to get better at sex so I could feel it the way my partners did. I wasn't offered any tools, either, because all I knew were sexuals, and a very sexual society. So I had a long life of thinking I was broken, messed up, not normal, you-name-it. There was a lot of advice for sexuals. There was none for asexuals.

I say the above because your feeling that asexuals are happier than sexuals in mixed relationships is not necessarily true. We know that we don't feel what others feel, and we often don't know why. If we seem to our sexual partners to be "happy" about less sex, it's because we're relieved we don't have to go through something that's either uninteresting, distasteful, or downright painful.

Sally, Thanks for sharing. I feel now that you are hearing what I am saying and I feel I can now say I am hearing you.. Having said that, we seem to have a lot in common.. I searched for 38+ years to try and understand what was wrong with ME that MY HUSBAND didn’t want ME. He told me that from the first time he saw me he had made the remark to mutual friends that "See that girl I'm going to Marry her one day". They ask him if he knew me and he said no. But they knew me through another person that I was dating at the time and unbeknown to me they knew the other guy was seeing an old girlfriend behind my back. So they introduced us. After we began dating I tried to make myself less interesting to him but he kept calling. I was not rude or hurtful I was still hoping to reunite with the old boyfriend. As things progressed and through his persistence we married. I figured that anyone that LOVED ME that much would make me happy since EVERYONE SAID ALL MEN LIKE SEX. So I figured once we married sex would be and open free happy stage of life. So when things did not progress as they should have after we married I started to feel as if it were ME. For years I believed that there was something wrong with me or that I had don’t something or hadn't done something that I should have. I was only 20 when we married and knew very little about sex other than I wanted to know more and feel more but there was never even anymore making out. It was as if we were married and now there was no more need for sexual attractions of any kind. For years I was the one that you could say carried the sexual activity in our relationship. If anything was going to happen I was the one that had to start it and many times I was refused. Not understanding I started to do research. I have read many many books looking for information but found nothing that seemed to pertain to what I was going through. All the books I read talked about how the woman refused the man NONE talked about a woman that was being refused by her husband. It was not until I found AVEN that I finally found the answers that explained what was going on.

But finding the answers was like a blow to the gut. Now I knew there was no help.. Now I had to come to terms with the fact that all my dreams were lost. Understand that by saying this it does not mean I no longer LOVE HIM but it is a loss. Like all losses in our life there is a period of a sort of morning in a way. You morn for what could have been and what you had, even if it was infrequent, was more than there is now.

Now it is knowing that no matter what I DO I can not fix things nor help him fix things. If anything is going to change HE is the only one that can make them change. It is hard to have to give up what means the most to a sexual person over to the Gray Asexual that has never felt the need for sex or any desire for sex. That doesn’t change my longing for it or him. It only changes how I now must learn to deal with the knowledge that I have.

It is like a part of me is dying but I am still trying to cling to it so it won't. My heart is having trouble with what my mind knows. Again I am only speaking from personal experience and don’t wish to label any or all asexuals by my experience with the only one I have intimately known. All I wish to do is speak from MY experience of MY feelings in hopes of helping some one younger from going through a life of pain from blindly thinking that either one of us can change.

We are WHO we are and by no fault of our own we neither one can change WHO we are. All we can do now is live the life we were meant to live and hope that by voicing our experiences we can HELP some one else make valued decisions that may keep them from the pain we both have lived with.

I wish you peace Sally just as I wish everyone a life of peace and love. Everyone deserves to be LOVED and I do mean everyone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

One thing I would just like to interject here is that I understand Down in Texas that you want people to think carefully about the choices they make. But this thread in particular is for people already in mixed relationships with agreements to compromise and receiving support from other sexuals as well as advice from asexuals on how to make those relationships better.

Basically, let's try to keep the thread on topic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

Lady Girl I am sorry you think I have gone off topic. I was replying to Sally as she originally did not understand my view on compromising. After her last reply I felt she and I had made a connection that had not existed before. I was in my own way acknowledging the similarity that I felt we had both come to. My last reply was mainly for Sally and to clarify my understanding of similarity that seemed to be common between both sexual a and asexual's. I will stay back on topic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl
Lady Girl I am sorry you think I have gone off topic. I was replying to Sally as she originally did not understand my view on compromising. After her last reply I felt she and I had made a connection that had not existed before. I was in my own way acknowledging the similarity that I felt we had both come to. My last reply was mainly for Sally and to clarify my understanding of similarity that seemed to be common between both sexual a and asexual's. I will stay back on topic.

That's okay, I just think it's way too easy to start laying blame at the asexual person's doorstep and I don't think we need to do that. I want to make sure we keep talking about how to have and maintain a compromise, and how both persons deal with and contribute to it. From some of your posts I get the impression you feel quite strongly that you haven't been living with a compromise, but instead have totally sacrificed your desires for the relationship. I'm sorry if this is a misinterpretation of what you've been saying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

No Lady Girl that is pretty much the way it has been. But you must realize that for 38+ years I did not know about AVEN nor asexuality. I was doing the best I knew how to do with the information I had. I was raised in a home where my mother dominates all aspects of the house by ordering things done and yelling when they were not done to her liking or on her schedule. I vowed to not treat my husband the way my mother treated my dad nor treat my kids the way I was treated. In doing so I gave up a lot to keep peace and I made as many of the concessions that I could to keep a peaceful home. And yes it is still an open wound so to speak. I am only about a year into finding out that there is little if anything that I have not tried And that time and circumstances have taken most of my realm of options. I am sorry that I seem negative to some but the pain is still very fresh. And there are times that it is rawer than others. Just seems to be one of my really down periods in this process. Due to many factors I feel I have lost most if not all forms of barging chips or tokens. I also feel I have lost ME that by giving in I have lost WHO I am.

Sorry LADY girl it seems I have gone off topic again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

Down, it sounds like it might be helpful for you to seek counseling. You sound very upset and depressed, and although you may not be able to change your marriage situation, you might be able to find some help in how you feel about yourself. AVEN unfortunately can't offer counseling, but we do wish you well in finding a way to feel better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

Thanks Sally. This too shall pass it always does. It just rears its head every now and again. It will move on soon I hope just a lot of dates that hold a lot of memories and loss are hitting and when I hurt emotionally is when I use to seek comfort the most. Due to a number of factors that comfort is harder to find. I appreciate your concern but it will pass. I lost my Best Friend the sister I never had on Jan 18 1991 she had five children the oldest 17 down to the youngest of 8. I helped raise them. And there is so much more I could post but I promised Lady I would stay on topic so I will stop here. Thanks again Sally.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

You can post what you want Down...I didn't mean to imply you couldn't. I'm sure if we get a little off topic, we can get back to it. I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. Do you feel like your husband was unable to compromise with you on a physical level and also leaves you to deal with your emotions alone as well? I hope you don't mind me asking. I think it helps a lot when there are issues with physical intimacy if the emotional and intellectual connection is intact.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ariesmom07

I struggled with this alot in the past. He would try to "schedule" sex to make me happy but I have always been a spontaneous person and the idea of "we'll have sex tonight after dinner" didn't appeal to me. After my daughter was born last year he tried to initiate sex but I felt like it was for my benefit only not because he truly desired it so I turned him down. I don't get aroused when we do have sex either because of the "chore" feeling surrounding the act. I enjoy cuddling and feeling close and thankfully he does too so we do have an intimate relationship in alot of ways just without the actual sex act itself. I really had to change my way of thinking when it came to sex and accept the love and affection I did receive in place of sex. Its not always easy and it may not be a lifestyle you can deal with and if it isn't you shouldn't feel bad about that. Good luck to you :)

I still haven’t found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesn’t desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. We’ve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isn’t the lack of sex but that he just doesn’t want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing it’s just an act and it’s not what he wants and does only because of me. It’s rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising won’t help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jojo2003
Haha I like your optimism. I was just watching "Year of the dog" and Molly Shannon's character says something to the effect of... it was enough for me last month, last week, yesterday, and it'll be enough for me next month too". It's hard to face the knowledge that I may never get off this cycle of feeling miserable every few weeks. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if I would experience more happiness, on average, if I ended this relationship. It's the constant wondering if I've made a mistake... an easily correctable mistake... that really plagues my mind.
I fear that ending the relationship will not lead to more hapiness for me, but wonder every now and then (don't we all?) if I am betting on the right track.

How does one know? Or how can one be comfortable/stable with one's choice to continue in the relationship without knowing for sure whether it is the best decision/leads to the most happiness? (This is coming from someone who struggles with anxiety issues and overanalyzes absolutely everything.... Oh, and I am the asexual in a mixed relationship, not the sexual, oddly enough.)

Or maybe the better question is how do you deal with the unknowing?

Jee, your gone for a few days and a lot has happened :).

Since I felt this question to be directed to me, I do wish to answer (and stay on the compromise track LG ;))

Truth is, I do not know how to deal with the unknowing. But when I try to picture myself without my partner it feels empty. I am guessing the asexual partner can feel the same way, since it is an incompatibility on both sides.

I do tend to overanalyse, but it gets me nowhere, since this is part of the feeling-department. Every now and then when it gets hard and I think about running away from this situation I try to keep focussed on the good stuff. That is how I try to deal with the unknowing.

As for the whole discussion following the post of Down in Texas. I am not going to get involved, but do feel part of it is the basics of compromis and support in a combined relationship. I wish I could offer you advice Down in Texas, since it can not be the case in a relationship that one of the partners has all the cards in hand. My partner is sexually repulsed, but still there is room for compromis from her part, albeit not in the sexual department. I do not feel she has all the cards in hand, since we both try to work with what we can. Good luck to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

I'm happy to have Down posting in this thread and I think her contribution is very important. She is telling us her experience with compromise. Of course I want us all to avoid making blanket statements about asexual partners all being X Y or Z based on our own observations with one person, but she really didn't do that. I was afraid it was headed that way I guess. I apologize and like I mentioned, if the thread gets a little off topic, it's no big deal...we'll get back to it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas
Lady Girl, you ask a question about my husband and I feel I need to make a few clarifications before I answer your question. I feel in order to answer it correctly from MY view with out some info about him, many will either draw the wrong conclusion or think I am once again blasting him which I in no way wish to do.


The old saying that you can't know a person till you walk a mile in their shoes, seems to me to also include "living with them". When you only date a person the way we dated back when living together was frowned upon. You don’t know as much about a person until you live under the same roof.


I never knew until we were married just how much of a LOANER he was. He had to work his way through college, working for his father. He was going through college during the Vietnam war. He had to keep his grades up to keep from going into the service. His brother was in the war and served two terms on the front lines. While his brother was on the front lines his mother almost became an alcoholic, trying to avoid the fear of loosing a son to war (unbeknown to all but her husband she had already been forced to give up a child that was born out of wedlock). So, if she lost this child it would be the second loss of a child.


My Husband has never had any close friends. Not in school nor now that we are married. He had no hobby for years but he use to buy books, not story books but technical books. HE was and still is a hard worker. He has always worked as if he were the owner of the company he worked for. I use to think it was because he had worked for his father and maybe it is. HE always did his best to provide for us, there was a period of time that he went with out a job and it almost killed him that he could not provide for our kids on their birthdays or at Christmas. Yet he didn’t come to me for comfort he turned away from me and with drew to the point that began our true sexual down hill slide.


We never did anything together except dance and work cattle. We tried to add to our income by raising cattle.

But like all of the other things we tried through the years Luck was not on our side. The rest of the time he was working.


We both love to dance. Dancing is our one and only real connection. Problem was Dancing made me Horny I always wanted to have sex after we went dancing. Problem was he was usually to drunk to do anything or had fallen asleep by the time we got home. I don’t drink so I was always the designated driver. Even when the dance hall was two miles from the house. So then I felt as if I was competing with Liquor and that the Liquor always won. I am not a prude, I just don’t understand why you cant stop drinking when you know you have had enough or why after a while he knew what dancing did to me he didn’t care enough to allow himself to be able to function. YOU must remember I knew nothing about Asexuals at this time looking back I can see why he may have done this.


Anytime we, mostly ME, got in to a slump and I tried to talk to try to negotiate for more sex or just more personal intimacy, it always turned into a once sided talk. After a while I told him it was as if he had a brick wall built around his self and every time we talked he added a few more layers of brick that kept me out. The only answers I ever got to my questions were "I don't know" I would follow with you have to know and if you don’t then you have to look for the answers I can't answer them for you.


It wasn’t until years into the marriage that I began to learn things that explained some of the reasons behind some of his family background that started to explain some of his behavior.


My husband ability to isolate himself limited the ability to compromise. He offered nothing to the negotiating table to deal with. There were no offers or suggestions. He simply withdrew.


Since he never had any "close friends" he has never even allowed me into that circle of friendship. If there was something in life that he needed to talk about he would turn to his Dad or after his death, his mother. There were times during our marriage that I felt I should have been told or ask what I thought, We as a couple, should do. But by the time I knew about them the choice had already been made and later I learned that his mother would know things before I did. She was a very private person and it wasn’t until she was dealing with cancer and I was driving her five hours to treatment and staying with her for fourteen days at a time out of town while she was at MDA that things during conversations on the way up or on the way home that things began to come out. These trips lasted for three years, before her death.


As I mentioned in an earlier post I lost my best friend in Jan of '91, My Father (whom I was very close to) died in Oct of '91 two weeks later my Mother In Law was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer. All In '91.


I tried to work in the beginning of our marriage. But he worked for a company that transferred us on a weeks notice. We were often only in a spot for a few months before we were transferred again. Soon we had three children all under the age of two, we had a set of twins. It soon became unfeasible to work, day care would have taken more than I would have brought in. To try and help I started to keep children in our home. Soon I was being taken advantage of and after a while I stopped. It wasn’t long after that life got very busy, with the losses I mentioned above. I seemed to inherit my best friends mother in law, how had a multitude of medical problem along with my friends five children and our four children. Then later the same year my own mother in laws medical problem. Sally here is part of your answer. When you give so much of yourself to others needs you seem to loose your self. After their deaths, Grandchildren began to come and I kept them in order to allow my children the best chance I could give them to get a good start on their lives.


I have again gotten long winded but I have tried to compact 40 years into the shortest form I can in order to give you a brief look at what I am dealing with. So Lady Girl to your answer no he has never understood my feelings.

I just don’t know any other way to explain with out sounding as if I am blaming this all on my husband, who most of you now know is a Gray Asexual. I don’t wish to do that. The one thing I will give him is that he will let me cuddle there have been very few times that he has ever stopped me from smuggling up against him. What he doesn’t seem to understand is that there are times that a good snuggle, as good as it is, is just not enough.


LIFE has a way of taking over and things always seem to work them self out. Not always the way we like them but I believe that GOD has a plan and though I don’t know what it is, HE does. I put all my faith in GOD'S hands and pray for the strength to do HIS will.


And to the person that ask how do you get over this. My answer, and I will repeat this is only my view, you never get over it you just learn to deal with it or you don’t. In that case the chose is yours you deal or you leave. I chose to stay even though it hurts sometimes, and sometimes more than others. Best of luck to those that are able to make compromises, but if you think things are going to get better for me they never did.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sexualwife

Hi Down in Texas...Thank you so much for your posts. You've been through so much. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for posting about your experience with your husband, who you suspect is asexual. I think it is very important for others reading on this site to know that what they are dealing with most likely won't change over time and that it is a lifetime of compromise, struggle, and possible unhappiness, even if it is negative. Relationships are tough enough to sustain without the added struggle of a mixed relationship. Negativity is highly discouraged on this site. My thread was shut down because of a couple of negative posts by others. But life is far from perfect and can get very messy. It's difficult to stay upbeat and optimistic all the time. Everyone's situation is different and everyone handles life's struggles in their own way. Some people have been living in a mixed relationship for quite some time, and some are new to it. If we could all make decisions based on living for just ourselves, life would be easy. But when you have to figure kids, financial situations, and other family into it, making the choices and decisions on what to do can get very complicated. Unhappy? Just leave then or quit your whining, right?...Well, it's not that simple. I think we all need a place to go to vent and share our frustrations. Some of us have nowhere else to go with it. Young people and people new to a mixed relationships need to understand how things can possibly be so they can make the right choice for themselves. Even if they think they can live with the way things are now, and are happy, doesn't mean they'll be able to live with things later. As I get older, I'm getting alot more particular about how I want to live my life, what I want to live with, and what I just can't deal with anymore. You realize you don't have forever anymore to change your life and live it the way you want to, which is how you feel in your 20's and 30's. Again, thank you for your posts. I'd much rather read about real life and real emotions than ones that make everything sound like it will be okay if you just keep trying. The real and honest ones are the most helpful. I don't think those are the kind they want on this site though, and that's unfortunate. Because that is real life.

-sexualwife

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

I definitely feel that being in a mixed relationship can be a struggle, and I would never pretend it's not. But I'm also not lying when I say I'm happy more often than not...that's real too. I definitely live a real life and have real emotions and I've talked about it. I personally don't have a problem with people voicing their disappointments in their situation, at all. That is one reason I started this particular thread, so people who want support in a marriage or relationship with a sexual compromise can get it. My personal decision to keep trying doesn't mean I think everything is okay, it just means I made that decision.

As a moderator I have to have a problem with blanket statements being made about what asexual people are like in mixed relationships. It's that simple. No two people are alike, no two relationships are identical either. We definitely want real life stories here, that's actually what this site is about. Negative is fine, disparaging remarks about asexuals as a group of people are not. That's what the thread lockdown was about. We aren't allowed to talk about any race, religion, or orientation in that manner here. The ToS can be found in the Site Info Center.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jojo2003

Dear Down in Texas,

Thank you for your explanation about the way you view the mixed relationship. I agree that it can be difficult at times. Yes, I have chosen to stay in this relationship and yes after all those years there are many doubts every now and then. I recognise that in your situation.

However, I refuse to believe things are not getting better. As in every relationship, ours has good and bad times and our incompatibility also has. So things are getting worse and better. Of course my asexual partner will never be as sexually active as I would like, that's where you are right, but we compromis and get there most of the time. I hope to encourage people as well as being realistic.

As for the post sexualwife made. It is not true that negative stories are not desirable. We are real people and have our ups and downs. Your thread was cancelled because of the generalization of other thread posters (nothing to do with you). Not because your story was not allowed to be heard. LG and many others are however entitled to get their story out as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
pushover
It is really hard knowing he's getting nothing out of it...I mean, I sort of always felt that sex was to please each other and now it's only to please me which is hard to reconcile in my mind sometimes. It is hard to accept the fact that relations do seem purely selfish on my part now.

It's only been in the last six months or so that I feel that my body is satisfied, but I am not as engaged in it mentally. I keep telling myself that this is just the way it is and he wants monogamy as much as I do so we need to keep trying.

Pretty much what Sally just said. Understanding it is one thing, actually being happy to compromise (both sexual and asexual) is another.

A huge part of what is missing, even in a compromise, is the feeling that a sexual partner gets when two, two people get enjoyment from the experience; that is total and ultimate fulfillment; that which may not be achieved in a compromise. I know that this sounds negative and not really constructive but it is a hurdle we must clear. If it works better than that for you, then kudos!There are still ways, for the imaginative minds.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now