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Lady Girl

Sexual Compromise & Support

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Vampyremage

I agree that one of the best things about sex is that you can please your partner, and it's hard to take that you don't please them and furthermore, it could be even the contrary. I don't know how one's supposed to enjoy it then. Some asexuals say that sex isn't that unpleasant for them, but yet they're often willing to have sex only once a month/week so I guess it usually is unpleasant. Or is it the case, when it's all right every now and then but more often would be suddenly disagreeable?

I've asked him about this part of it numerous times. He has made it pretty clear that it's not disagreeable or agreeable, it's neutral. But if he feels pressure for a frequency that he's not comfortable with it's totally stressful and he just won't anyway.

I have to get past the part that it's selfish on my part now. I've mentioned that I feel this way, and he looks at me like, "and your point is?" I honestly think since he is willing to compromise he sort of expects me to work through the mental issues I have with it myself. He sees life as one big compromise, so he honestly doesn't think I should have hang ups over this. On many levels I think he is being practical.

Speaking from an asexual perspective here, for many it has a lot to do with mindset. I know that I can get enjoyment of out sex. Not only can it be enjoyable to make my partner to react, but the physical sensations themselves can be enjoyable as well. Its gotten better since I've discovered that I have certain fetishes or kinks that I can explore in that context, which in many ways I honestly enjoy more than the sex itself. In fact, I'd be quite happy to explore them outside an overtly sexual context but because that's how my partner enjoys it, I'm more than willing to include that as part of the compromise between us.

However, being in the right mindset is very important. Its not that sexual activity is necessarily unpleasant, per say, but it takes a concerted mental effort to get into the right headspace for it not to be unpleasant. For myself at least, there's a certain amount of warning and preparation needed. It doesn't necessarily have to be we're going to have sex at this time and on his day, but if I get the heads up that we're probably going to have sex this weekend, it means I can mentally prepare myself.

Part of why I feel I need this preparation is because there are many sensual activities that I enjoy for their own sake that some sexual partners can take as wanting something more or as invitation for something more. The preparation to know its coming means I can still enjoy those very intimate moments with my partner without the worry of them becoming something else that I don't want. If I know ahead of time, roughly, when its coming my body and mind are prepared for it.

Its a little difficult to put into words why this is important but I'll give it my best shot. The most intimate moments, for me, are those moments of being physically close and just caressing, cuddling, kissing, ect. The acts themselves, I think, are largely best described as sensual. For me, there is no intimacy deeper or closer than kissing and cuddling naked and for me I have no thoughts, when this is occurring, of it going any further than that. Sex, for me, isn't unpleasant in the right headspace but is something that's almost entirely physical. I feel as if I lack that mental connection between sex and intimacy or sex as an expression of love and that is one of the reasons why, if I don't expect its coming, I can feel a little resentful when my partner tries to initiate it. Sure, it can be physically enjoyable but...that's it. Its just a physical act for me and not a lot more than that.

The second struggle I have with sex I think is at least partially an asexual thing but may also be a personal thing and that's the fact that I have a lot of difficulty anticipating what my partner wants. I find it difficult to read non-verbal signals at the best of times and in a sexual context find it to be nearly impossible most of the time. Open communication, of course, helps but it leaves me feeling like I'm doing things by rote memorization. I remember that he likes x, y and z but doesn't like a and b but there's no natural flow to it, there's no intuition in it and I feel as if most sexuals have at least a basic feel for this sexual intuition. I think its that mental stress of trying to figure this stuff out, right from the very basics, that causes my need to have sex only intermittently more than anything else about it. Again, its not that its innately unpleasant, but there's a lot of mental work that goes into it and if forced to do so too often, that work gets to be exhausting.

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Empty Chairs & Tables

On a cognetive level I do understand what practical mr. LG means, but it works differently on an emotional level. I think deep down he must understand.

I cannot speak for Mr. LG, but as someone who is extremely more practical-minded than emotionally-minded (about most things, at least), the above is not necessarily true for me; I often lack that "deep down" or intrinsic understanding of emotion-based arguments. I just cannot comprehend them. I just wanted to point out that the above could be an over-generalization. (No offense meant.)

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Vampyremage

On a cognetive level I do understand what practical mr. LG means, but it works differently on an emotional level. I think deep down he must understand.

I cannot speak for Mr. LG, but as someone who is extremely more practical-minded than emotionally-minded (about most things, at least), the above is not necessarily true for me; I often lack that "deep down" or intrinsic understanding of emotion-based arguments. I just cannot comprehend them. I just wanted to point out that the above could be an over-generalization. (No offense meant.)

Agreed with this point. I've often been the one not understanding emotion-based arguments. As someone who rarely feels as deeply or as broadly as most, sometimes it can be a little baffling to try and comprehend. Not, of course, to suggest that Mr. LG is in any way like this necessarily.

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Fitzsimmons ♡

I agree that one of the best things about sex is that you can please your partner, and it's hard to take that you don't please them and furthermore, it could be even the contrary. I don't know how one's supposed to enjoy it then. Some asexuals say that sex isn't that unpleasant for them, but yet they're often willing to have sex only once a month/week so I guess it usually is unpleasant. Or is it the case, when it's all right every now and then but more often would be suddenly disagreeable?

From another asexual's perspective, I will give my personal 2 cents.

Einy, I don't really know your sexual orientation, you mention a "he" and you say your gender is female in your profile, so I'm gonna assume you're hetero for now (my scenario wouldn't work as much if you are bisexual). Now, let me try to explain what I think by giving you a scenario. Try imagining that you are in love with a woman. Mind, you love her, but you're not sexually attracted to her, because you are hetero, right? Can you imagine separating romantic attraction from the sexual attraction in this context? Try imagining having these strong feelings towards a woman, ok? :)

Well, now let's say she reciprocates your romantic feelings, but also feels sexual attraction towards you. You CAN, physically, have sex with her and feel pleasure, why not? But I think it wouldn't come as natural and as comfortable for you to have sex with her as it would be with a romantic male partner, right? You would probably need to find a compromise, as her need and desire to have sex with you feels differently than what you feel for her.

Basically, where I'm getting at is that many asexuals can feel this way, just towards any gender. (Mind, not all asexuals, I'm just making an example)

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Sally

I have a proposition:

Sex is an innately...uh....ridiculous physical act. Just think about it. What odd positions people get into, what icky sounds. (OK, that's an asexual thought there, but anyway.)

What makes it NOT ridiculous for two people is when they both desire it (and each other), and enjoy the act itself.

When you have an asexual and a sexual, the asexual is often either bored or somewhat disgusted. Thus, the sexual is left pretty much alone in their desire and enjoyment, and sex is just not a physical act that can be enjoyed alone.

In fact, the sexual ends up feeling rather embarassed and ridiculous being so obviously out of control (overtaken by physical feelings) while in the company of this other person who's just kind of ho-hum, or even worse. The sexual feels kind of like they're on a stage performing in front of someone who's not at all interested in watching, let alone being part of the performance.

Does that sound kind of how you feel, sexuals?

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Lady Girl

I think it can be like that sometimes Sally. It does seem like each time is a lot the same and like a kind of performance for each other (Bogaert says that couples usually go by a script that works for them).

One thing Mr. LG has said (and I appreciate this) is that he knows it means something to me (it's not just physical...even though I think it is to him). He acknowledges that my body and my mind want it, so he seems to be able to have some understanding when I'm 'upset' about different aspects of the compromise. I think he just wishes we could have had the one talk (or two) and everything is determined and decided, so good to go so to say.

But yes, I do feel awkward at times...and in the last six months to the point of not being able to just melt.

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Sally

. I think he just wishes we could have had the one talk (or two) and everything is determined and decided, so good to go so to say.

i'd bet rather than "good to go", it's more like "Yes, I understand you're unhappy and why you're unhappy, but I can't do anything about it because it's who I am, and it's who you are, so do we have to keep bringing it up?"

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Lady Girl

. I think he just wishes we could have had the one talk (or two) and everything is determined and decided, so good to go so to say.

i'd bet rather than "good to go", it's more like "Yes, I understand you're unhappy and why you're unhappy, but I can't do anything about it because it's who I am, and it's who you are, so do we have to keep bringing it up?"

You would be betting right.

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jojo2003

On a cognetive level I do understand what practical mr. LG means, but it works differently on an emotional level. I think deep down he must understand.

I cannot speak for Mr. LG, but as someone who is extremely more practical-minded than emotionally-minded (about most things, at least), the above is not necessarily true for me; I often lack that "deep down" or intrinsic understanding of emotion-based arguments. I just cannot comprehend them. I just wanted to point out that the above could be an over-generalization. (No offense meant.)

Agreed with this point. I've often been the one not understanding emotion-based arguments. As someone who rarely feels as deeply or as broadly as most, sometimes it can be a little baffling to try and comprehend. Not, of course, to suggest that Mr. LG is in any way like this necessarily.

And so we all learn from eachother again. I did not mean to generalize at any point, but was merely suprised at the fact that he trusts LG to consider his feelings, whereas she has to deal with her feelings herself (which is a generalisation in itself again, I just do not know how to explain the subject otherwise). What I was trying to do is to provide support in my way to LG (as was the subject of this thread).

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Lady Girl

I think you did a fine job supporting me in my musings here jojo!

What I almost wish is that I had someone irl like Sally that I could whine to, who does understand where my Mr. is coming from and is able to somehow be there for me (to tell me how this makes him feel) so the pattern of repeated 'talking' about it could somehow be be changed. I know he perceives my reiterations as messages of failings on his part.

The fact that I return to the same complaining behavior (granted...monthly) feels like a huge failing on my part. I don't want to make him feel like a failure in spite of my seeming legitimate feelings.

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jojo2003
Is this not real life? We're just using a computer instead of a phone ^_^

In my relationship the compromise consists of the amount of intimate time I get, but even then I get fed up a lot of times very often when I feel my partner "zoning out". It is a difficult discussing leading to her feeling "I am doing it to please you and still it is no good" and me wanting her to feel it. Really feel what she does not feel. Again on a cognative level I am very happy with the things my partner tries, but it feels unfair every now and than.

I think "zoning out" would be my indicator to stop. You know at that point you've lost them mentally and emotionally.

Maybe its a good time to move on to something else, something not so sexual and more just fun and affectionate, whatever that is for you two?

You are absolutely right. That is a good indicator to stop :).

But seriously, you are right. It is a point where it's no use carrying on because at that point we both get nothing out of it. But than again we get back to the subject of incompatibility in needs. I think it is still difficult every now and then.

Things I regard as just affectionate can be interperted as sexual I have noticed. And sometimes you just want some intimacy and not the fun. Believe, we have a lot of fun about lot's of things. This was merely describing the feeling of unfairness.

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Notte stellata
For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy? I know with my partner and I, while I'm not a very sexual person (despite being more than willing to compromise on that to a certain degree), non-sexual intimacy is of great importance to me and I think to him as well. We're often in casual physical contact, whether its a hand on a leg or full on cuddling. Kissing and cuddling are things that happen daily including, often, naked cuddling. Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

For my partner, not much. He has a very high sex drive and is easily aroused. Cuddling (naked or not) almost always makes him want sex, except cuddling before sleeping because he's too tired then. But we also have more casual and shorter physical contact which doesn't arouse him so much.

Occasionally when he feels frustrated with the lack of passion in our sex life, he goes through a period of withdrawing all physical affection. He says any physical touch would reminds him of sex so he'd rather avoid it. But this doesn't happen often, and normally we're pretty good.

Spontaneity in sex is really important to him. He doesn't even like me to spend less than one minute preparing for sex, like getting water or going to bathroom. Luckily I don't need a sex schedule or to know in advance when we're going to have sex. He'd totally hate that.

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Einy
However, being in the right mindset is very important. Its not that sexual activity is necessarily unpleasant, per say, but it takes a concerted mental effort to get into the right headspace for it not to be unpleasant. For myself at least, there's a certain amount of warning and preparation needed. It doesn't necessarily have to be we're going to have sex at this time and on his day, but if I get the heads up that we're probably going to have sex this weekend, it means I can mentally prepare myself.

Thanks for explaining, I guess then that sex itself usually is quite unpleasant, however under the right circumstances and mind preparation it can be all right, even good? I know it's very individual and I can understand the difference between physical and psychical perception. That's probably what my partner feels and unfortunately it's what I wish the most that these thing would be connected.

Einy, I don't really know your sexual orientation, you mention a "he" and you say your gender is female in your profile, so I'm gonna assume you're hetero for now (my scenario wouldn't work as much if you are bisexual). Now, let me try to explain what I think by giving you a scenario. Try imagining that you are in love with a woman. Mind, you love her, but you're not sexually attracted to her, because you are hetero, right? Can you imagine separating romantic attraction from the sexual attraction in this context? Try imagining having these strong feelings towards a woman, ok? :)

Well, now let's say she reciprocates your romantic feelings, but also feels sexual attraction towards you. You CAN, physically, have sex with her and feel pleasure, why not? But I think it wouldn't come as natural and as comfortable for you to have sex with her as it would be with a romantic male partner, right? You would probably need to find a compromise, as her need and desire to have sex with you feels differently than what you feel for her.

Basically, where I'm getting at is that many asexuals can feel this way, just towards any gender. (Mind, not all asexuals, I'm just making an example)

It's actually very difficult to imagine. I'm straight, however I believe anything's possible, so I can imagine falling in love with a woman, but then I guess I would be also sexually attracted to her, because sexual and romantic attractions just go so much hand in hand for me. But I see your point, and word 'natural' is important. When it's not natural it probably requires some artificial conditions, like compromise.

For my partner, not much. He has a very high sex drive and is easily aroused. Cuddling (naked or not) almost always makes him want sex, except cuddling before sleeping because he's too tired then. But we also have more casual and shorter physical contact which doesn't arouse him so much.

Occasionally when he feels frustrated with the lack of passion in our sex life, he goes through a period of withdrawing all physical affection. He says any physical touch would reminds him of sex so he'd rather avoid it. But this doesn't happen often, and normally we're pretty good.

Spontaneity in sex is really important to him. He doesn't even like me to spend less than one minute preparing for sex, like getting water or going to bathroom. Luckily I don't need a sex schedule or to know in advance when we're going to have sex. He'd totally hate that.

I feel the same usually. Not only I get often aroused from kissing or cuddling (it passes very quickly anyway), but it mainly reminds me of all the things I desire and don't get and it makes me too sad, and these feelings won't pass that easy.

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PlayfulSadism

Occasionally when he feels frustrated with the lack of passion in our sex life, he goes through a period of withdrawing all physical affection. He says any physical touch would reminds him of sex so he'd rather avoid it. But this doesn't happen often, and normally we're pretty good.

I get strong desires to withdraw physically whenever sexual activity ends earlier than I would have liked. At that point I'm very wired up and uncomfortable and my brain can't stop my body from interpreting continued nonsexual contact as a form of teasing. It's like grinding the gears in a new stick shift. I fight the urge to just roll over and curl into a ball because I know that doing so would hurt her feelings.

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Serran

For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy? I know with my partner and I, while I'm not a very sexual person (despite being more than willing to compromise on that to a certain degree), non-sexual intimacy is of great importance to me and I think to him as well. We're often in casual physical contact, whether its a hand on a leg or full on cuddling. Kissing and cuddling are things that happen daily including, often, naked cuddling. Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

For my partner, not much. He has a very high sex drive and is easily aroused. Cuddling (naked or not) almost always makes him want sex, except cuddling before sleeping because he's too tired then. But we also have more casual and shorter physical contact which doesn't arouse him so much.

Occasionally when he feels frustrated with the lack of passion in our sex life, he goes through a period of withdrawing all physical affection. He says any physical touch would reminds him of sex so he'd rather avoid it. But this doesn't happen often, and normally we're pretty good.

Spontaneity in sex is really important to him. He doesn't even like me to spend less than one minute preparing for sex, like getting water or going to bathroom. Luckily I don't need a sex schedule or to know in advance when we're going to have sex. He'd totally hate that.

Yeah, for my partner it doesn't help at all either. It's better for him if I stop all physical/sensual contact unless it will lead to sex. No cuddling, no snuggling, no kissing, no making out, rare hugging, no leaning over him to see something on his computer, try to keep my distance. Also, wearing tank tops, shorts, skirts, etc arouse him. We have a compromise schedule of 3-4 times a week, his ideal would be 3-4 times a day. He has a very high sex drive. I haven't found any sort of contact that DOESN'T make him want sex. And when he doesn't get it, he becomes frustrated. I wish there was some sort of replacement for sex for my partner, but there isn't.

And for those who have trouble thinking about their partner not enjoying it... try thinking of sex for them as a very big show of how much they love you. They may not enjoy it physically, it may even be boring to some, but they love you and making you feel good is important enough to them. Are there any activities you do for your partners that you don't like, but you do anyway because you love them? Shopping, watching a movie you don't have an interest in, listening to them ramble about a sports team you don't care about, etc? For me, sex is no different than any of those. It's a way of being supportive of your partners interests (obviously it's a bigger problem for those who are repulsed and can't compromise, but I am neutral about sex seeing as I get no physical enjoyment from the act but it's not traumatic either).

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Vampyremage

For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy? I know with my partner and I, while I'm not a very sexual person (despite being more than willing to compromise on that to a certain degree), non-sexual intimacy is of great importance to me and I think to him as well. We're often in casual physical contact, whether its a hand on a leg or full on cuddling. Kissing and cuddling are things that happen daily including, often, naked cuddling. Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

For my partner, not much. He has a very high sex drive and is easily aroused. Cuddling (naked or not) almost always makes him want sex, except cuddling before sleeping because he's too tired then. But we also have more casual and shorter physical contact which doesn't arouse him so much.

Occasionally when he feels frustrated with the lack of passion in our sex life, he goes through a period of withdrawing all physical affection. He says any physical touch would reminds him of sex so he'd rather avoid it. But this doesn't happen often, and normally we're pretty good.

Spontaneity in sex is really important to him. He doesn't even like me to spend less than one minute preparing for sex, like getting water or going to bathroom. Luckily I don't need a sex schedule or to know in advance when we're going to have sex. He'd totally hate that.

Yeah, for my partner it doesn't help at all either. It's better for him if I stop all physical/sensual contact unless it will lead to sex. No cuddling, no snuggling, no kissing, no making out, rare hugging, no leaning over him to see something on his computer, try to keep my distance. Also, wearing tank tops, shorts, skirts, etc arouse him. We have a compromise schedule of 3-4 times a week, his ideal would be 3-4 times a day. He has a very high sex drive. I haven't found any sort of contact that DOESN'T make him want sex. And when he doesn't get it, he becomes frustrated. I wish there was some sort of replacement for sex for my partner, but there isn't.

I guess this is more proof that different individuals need engage in different sorts of compromises and different relationships have different dynamics. If I could not have my non-sexual physical touch fairly regularly, I don't think I would last long in my relationship. Luckily, whether or not it leads to sex, my partner is largely in agreement.

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veganvamp
For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy? I know with my partner and I, while I'm not a very sexual person (despite being more than willing to compromise on that to a certain degree), non-sexual intimacy is of great importance to me and I think to him as well. We're often in casual physical contact, whether its a hand on a leg or full on cuddling. Kissing and cuddling are things that happen daily including, often, naked cuddling. Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

For my partner, not much. He has a very high sex drive and is easily aroused. Cuddling (naked or not) almost always makes him want sex, except cuddling before sleeping because he's too tired then. But we also have more casual and shorter physical contact which doesn't arouse him so much.

Occasionally when he feels frustrated with the lack of passion in our sex life, he goes through a period of withdrawing all physical affection. He says any physical touch would reminds him of sex so he'd rather avoid it. But this doesn't happen often, and normally we're pretty good.

Spontaneity in sex is really important to him. He doesn't even like me to spend less than one minute preparing for sex, like getting water or going to bathroom. Luckily I don't need a sex schedule or to know in advance when we're going to have sex. He'd totally hate that.

my partner is EXACTLY like that! I want more physical attention though, that is the problem. But it's too difficult for him. And I also prefer to prepare myself if we consumate but he also likes the spontaneity of it too.

He refrains as long as he can, but when he can't it becomes kind of a problem, and I have to make a sacrifice or compromise...

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hummingbyrd
I was only doing it because my partner would have been unhappy if I didn't. It didn't seem like a choice to me.

That's what I struggle with. If it's not a choice, isn't that a terrible feeling? I shouldn't have to be obligated to do something I really don't want to. I struggle with this.

Edited by Lady Girl
fix quote tags

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Sally
I was only doing it because my partner would have been unhappy if I didn't. It didn't seem like a choice to me.

That's what I struggle with. If it's not a choice, isn't that a terrible feeling? I shouldn't have to be obligated to do something I really don't want to. I struggle with this.

What I should have said is that "If I wanted to continue my relationship with my partner, having sex was a necessity, not a choice."

The emphasis there is "continue...". No one is obligated to have sex with anyone else, but IF you want to be with a person who considers sex as a necessary part of a relationshop, it isn't a general/societal obligation, it's a personal situation with one specific person. You may choose to leave the relationship. I didn't want to do so.

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kisabunnie

Compromise is important but it is definitely hard. I am not asexual, but dated someone who is. This was my first relationship romantically and physically, I think that's important to note because at the time I didn't have much to go on or compare my relationship to. Although we were friends before the relationship, and remained friends after, the time spent in between being in a relationship with each other was difficult, especially once he came out to me as asexual.

At first it was just a decrease in sex, but once I confronted him about going from a lot of sex to none for months, he said that he just didn't like sex, that it made him uncomfortable. As a sexual person, this was difficult for me to accept. I had the typical thoughts that it was something about me that was sexually unappealing, or that I had been doing something wrong.

I did not want to lose our relationship over sex. People say sex isn't important, ideally. But if you're sexual, it is. My first question to him was if he was not sexually interested in me, did he still want to continue dating. He told me he did, but did not see how it would work for me in the long run because he knew he would be disappointing me on some level. I told him that worst case scenario we give a sexless relationship a try and it does not work out.

So we did, and it didn't work out. He broke it off with the reasoning he only saw us as friends.

It is important to draw the line in the sand, and find out what sexual act does or does not cross it. Once my friend came out, anything beyond kissing and cuddling was unacceptable. Although that provided me with some of what I was looking for, I still wanted more. At the time it seemed unfair to me that I had to suppress my desires for him. Gradually our relationship got to the point where I did not feel the romance, nor did he; it was like we were friends who liked to hold hands and occasionally kiss.

I do not have much understanding of asexuality and what it is to be asexual but I do know sex is a hard thing to compromise on, especially once you have experienced a sexual relationship with your partner. To me it seems there will always be someone getting the short end of the stick, and that is not a compromise. I do not know if it is possible for a compromise to exist between a sexual and an asexual person, at least it didn't between me and my friend. Best of luck to those who are trying to find that compromise.

-Kisa

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Sky in Focus

(Possibly TMI)
I am an ace in a mixed relationship. She was the first girl I had ever slept with and it was amazing and more intimate than with any man I'd had.. Our sex is ecstasy.. and when we get into it I can really connect with her in that way and really enjoy it.- but I still don't crave it.

What I'm getting at is, from a sexually active ace, I am just not wired to crave such things.. even though I am capable of enjoying them a great deal. It sounds weird, but that's how I feel.

I still find it hard to explain to her..

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veganvamp
I do not have much understanding of asexuality and what it is to be asexual but I do know sex is a hard thing to compromise on, especially once you have experienced a sexual relationship with your partner. To me it seems there will always be someone getting the short end of the stick, and that is not a compromise. I do not know if it is possible for a compromise to exist between a sexual and an asexual person, at least it didn't between me and my friend. Best of luck to those who are trying to find that compromise.

-Kisa

Thank you for sharing your story!

I am an ace dating a sexual, however I just realized that I have been asexual through this whole relationship and since I came out to my partner about it, sex decreased even further (It was still infrequent before then too) and it is really hard to compromise. Compromise is already hard in a relationship, and then to compromise sex?! It seems like it SHOULDN'T work out. However we still love eachother immensly and have very strong romantic feelings for each other but when my sexual partner needs something more, that is when someone gets upset. It would probably be different if I wasn't an anti-sexual ace, because then I wouldn't be so afraid of accidentally turning him on and then needing something. Still working on it but thanks on the luck! I have faith that we can work it out.

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jojo2003
So we did, and it didn't work out. He broke it off with the reasoning he only saw us as friends.

It is important to draw the line in the sand, and find out what sexual act does or does not cross it. Once my friend came out, anything beyond kissing and cuddling was unacceptable. Although that provided me with some of what I was looking for, I still wanted more. At the time it seemed unfair to me that I had to suppress my desires for him. Gradually our relationship got to the point where I did not feel the romance, nor did he; it was like we were friends who liked to hold hands and occasionally kiss.

Hi Kisa,

Although it is rough to loose a relationship over sexual differences, I find it encouraging that you decided to move forward together. And yes, the mixed relationship can sometimes feel like we are close friends.

If that does not work for you, that you should work out other arrangements (I understand from other posts that you two are stil friends). That can also be regarded as compromising in a way.

Best of luck!

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Lady Girl

I think it's a back and forth type of thing...sometimes it does make me feel depressed, but more often than not I feel as if it is a loving gesture and I make an effort to think of it that way because he would want me to. Neither one of us probably wants the other to endure things for the relationship, but we do. We aren't going to do something else or go our separate ways, so I guess it is a different way of being in a relationship.

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Skullery Maid
I have a proposition:

Sex is an innately...uh....ridiculous physical act. Just think about it. What odd positions people get into, what icky sounds. (OK, that's an asexual thought there, but anyway.)

What makes it NOT ridiculous for two people is when they both desire it (and each other), and enjoy the act itself.

When you have an asexual and a sexual, the asexual is often either bored or somewhat disgusted. Thus, the sexual is left pretty much alone in their desire and enjoyment, and sex is just not a physical act that can be enjoyed alone.

In fact, the sexual ends up feeling rather embarassed and ridiculous being so obviously out of control (overtaken by physical feelings) while in the company of this other person who's just kind of ho-hum, or even worse. The sexual feels kind of like they're on a stage performing in front of someone who's not at all interested in watching, let alone being part of the performance.

Does that sound kind of how you feel, sexuals?

Definitely for me. it took me many years to overcome shame, anxiety, and embarrassment surrounding sex... and now that I'm with my partner its like all of that is back again. sex is again a ridiculous and emotionally difficult undertaking. we've had sex once in the last about 4 months, and like Lady Girl I have about once a month breakdowns. last night after a somewhat awkward encounter where it was clear I wanted sex and it was clear she didn't, she asked me if I'm going to leave her... I said no, I just feel sad for a moment, and she said that she should let me be sensitive about it. And what I'm trying to figure out is... when did this all happen? when did we go from trying to have a regular sex schedule to just openly acknowledging that I have exactly ZERO control over my sex life? When did we go from compromise to my only option being a break up?

To me it feels like we reached the natural conclusion to the compromise phase, which is... one party ends up making all the decisions and the other party gets cut out completely. sometimes its the asexual who quits trying to avoid sex (or a sexual who just won't take no for an answer) or else the asexual just loses the ability to feign sexual interest at all. but can compromise ever continue on indefinitely? how often does it continue to work for decades?

(I'm on my phone, so I apologize for f'd up tags, spelling, etc.)

Edited by Lady Girl
Hopefully fixed the tags

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Fitzsimmons ♡

(sorry for the off topic but I'M JUST SO HAPPY!!! WELCOME BACK SKULLS!!!!!!!!)

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Sally

Skullery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're back!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

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Skullery Maid

Yeah dude but OF COURSE I crashed yet another laptop, so I can only use my phone and its such a pain! but I missed ya'lls so much :)

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