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Lady Girl

Sexual Compromise & Support

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Lady Girl

Compromise in a relationship between two people is inevitable. Sexual compromise on the other hand is often unexpected, can feel devastating, and sometimes is not possible for one or both partners. It is however, one of the few choices a couple finding themselves in a sexual/asexual relationship has if they wish to stay together.

I would like this thread to be for all the people trying to maintain a compromise and those thinking it's something they are willing to try. It would be great to hear from both sexuals and asexuals and how they make it work. One thing I would like to avoid here is the blame game. It's nobody's fault that one partner desires more or less sex than the other, it just is. That's not to say we can't talk about the reality of living with a sexual compromise...the frustrations, the difficult or awkward conversations, the personal stuff (don't forget TMI warnings or spoilers if you need it for your post). But let's try to offer solutions and like the title says, keep this one support based.

There are going to be many varieties of particulars: for some the frequency of sexual activity may be seemingly high and for others possibly negligible, for many couples certain acts may be omitted, some will have schedules while others do not, and most will have something to say about who does the initiating. Basically, there is no compromise formula.

One last thing...many asexuals (that I know) who are in a compromise, are not compromising themselves. They are choosing to participate in an activity they might otherwise avoid, and they most likely do this because they love their partner and care about the partner's feeling of well being. This thread isn't about the right or wrong of that choice.

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Empty Chairs & Tables

That was very well put. As someone who was part of a mixed relationship for awhile, I wish all the best to those who are trying to maintain one.

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jojo2003

Thank you for the great summary of affairs. There were many requests for this thread in other threads, so I think there will be many answers.

Can I be the first to broaden the definition of compromise. I know from another thread there are a few of us who have to compromise on no sexual activity. In my case that is no option, since my partner is sexually repulsed and can not (and I mean literally can not) engage in sexual activity. My compromise is that I try to work out ways in which I can get the satisfaction of intimacy, but taking into account the limitations and therefore celibacy.

I think once one of the partners in a relationship starts compromising themselves rather than looking for a compromise, the relationship will not work. Both have to have the space to be themselves, but being in a relationship means compromising on all sorts of levels (when and how much sports are you allowed to watch :)).

I know there are rough times for all of us, so I hope there can be support. Not only on emotional, but also on practical level.

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Vampyremage

As the asexual partner in a mixed relationship and knowing the struggles of both sides of such a relationship, let me say thank you for this thread. Compromise on both sides can be challenging at times, but mixed relationships can and do work with proper flexibility and communication.

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veganvamp

I am an asexual dating a sexual. I am still trying to figure out how often is too often for me and how little is too little for my partner. I said I would compromise once a month, but to not count on me bringing it up because its not on my mind, obviously.

So far he has come to terms with my asexuality and he no longer pushes me for sex. Our relationship is better for it.

When I compromise, I usually have to mentally prepare myself throughout the day. Just so I am not surprised and even more resistant when the time comes, it is nice to know ahead of time. Which unfortunately takes the romance away from my partner. We don't have a perfect system yet, just communication! Which I learned from being on this forum :)

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Lady Girl

One thing I've noticed that might give me the most difficulty, is a monthly lapse in composure. It seems to be hormone related...I do a lot of crying and for some reason focus on the relationship and the lack of sexual intimacy in it. I know it makes my husband feel bad, and I often say things that I don't even believe are true myself (like, "you just don't care"). Anyway, I always regret having been so vocal, and think to myself "that is the last time I'm going to do that". I really wish I could break away from that, it feels so pointless and detrimental overall.

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Fitzsimmons ♡

One thing I've noticed that might give me the most difficulty, is a monthly lapse in composure. It seems to be hormone related...I do a lot of crying and for some reason focus on the relationship and the lack of sexual intimacy in it. I know it makes my husband feel bad, and I often say things that I don't even believe are true myself (like, "you just don't care"). Anyway, I always regret having been so vocal, and think to myself "that is the last time I'm going to do that". I really wish I could break away from that, it feels so pointless and detrimental overall.

I can get like that when I'm PMSing :unsure: could it be related for you?

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Lady Girl

One thing I've noticed that might give me the most difficulty, is a monthly lapse in composure. It seems to be hormone related...I do a lot of crying and for some reason focus on the relationship and the lack of sexual intimacy in it. I know it makes my husband feel bad, and I often say things that I don't even believe are true myself (like, "you just don't care"). Anyway, I always regret having been so vocal, and think to myself "that is the last time I'm going to do that". I really wish I could break away from that, it feels so pointless and detrimental overall.

I can get like that when I'm PMSing :unsure: could it be related for you?

I do think that has something to do with it. I don't want to derail my own thread...I feel like it's at these times that I am really failing at the compromise. But maybe that's part of compromise, allowing for difficult times?

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kochouran
One last thing...many asexuals in a compromise are not compromising themselves. They are choosing to participate in an activity they might otherwise avoid, and they most likely do this because they love their partner and care about the partner's feeling of well being. This thread isn't about the right or wrong of that choice.

I'm really glad you added this part. My biggest struggling in the beginning was first feeling like I was doing something wrong because I grew up learning that anything sexual was shameful and we were moving along faster than I had anticipated. When I finally accepted that I was okay with sex and actually enjoyed it, I then felt like I couldn't call myself asexual (this was before I knew about grey-a). For me, the internal struggles of a mixed relationship have always been more challenging than the physical.

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Empty Chairs & Tables

One thing I've noticed that might give me the most difficulty, is a monthly lapse in composure. It seems to be hormone related...I do a lot of crying and for some reason focus on the relationship and the lack of sexual intimacy in it. I know it makes my husband feel bad, and I often say things that I don't even believe are true myself (like, "you just don't care"). Anyway, I always regret having been so vocal, and think to myself "that is the last time I'm going to do that". I really wish I could break away from that, it feels so pointless and detrimental overall.

I can get like that when I'm PMSing :unsure: could it be related for you?

I do think that has something to do with it. I don't want to derail my own thread...I feel like it's at these times that I am really failing at the compromise. But maybe that's part of compromise, allowing for difficult times?

If it was always easy, it would not be called "compromise" would it? :) Plus, I do not think perfection can be expected, particularly not with compromise, though when we love our partners and want to best the best we can for them, we often hold ourselves to perfection and then berate ourselves when we fall short. (Yes, been there, done that, as you well know, LadyGirl.)

One last thing...many asexuals in a compromise are not compromising themselves. They are choosing to participate in an activity they might otherwise avoid, and they most likely do this because they love their partner and care about the partner's feeling of well being. This thread isn't about the right or wrong of that choice.

I'm really glad you added this part. My biggest struggling in the beginning was first feeling like I was doing something wrong because I grew up learning that anything sexual was shameful and we were moving along faster than I had anticipated. When I finally accepted that I was okay with sex and actually enjoyed it, I then felt like I couldn't call myself asexual (this was before I knew about grey-a). For me, the internal struggles of a mixed relationship have always been more challenging than the physical.

I agree that the internal struggles can definitely be more challenging than the physical part of a mixed relationship. I am definitely with you there.

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Einy

I still haven’t found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesn’t desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. We’ve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isn’t the lack of sex but that he just doesn’t want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing it’s just an act and it’s not what he wants and does only because of me. It’s rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising won’t help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

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Empty Chairs & Tables

I still haven’t found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesn’t desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. We’ve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isn’t the lack of sex but that he just doesn’t want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing it’s just an act and it’s not what he wants and does only because of me. It’s rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising won’t help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

I can definitely see how not feeling wanted is awful. (I was the ace in a mixed relationship.) Though I do not understand the appeal of sex or why it is so important to feeling wanted/desired/needed, I do understand that many people feel this way. I do not know how much advice I can offer, being from the "other side", but perhaps one thing might be to consider what else, other than sex, makes you feel wanted/desired/needed and to focus on getting those things. That could be a sort of compromise - your partner gives you more of those "other things" but sex is still off the table. I do not know if that could help, but it may even be a good thought exercise to consider what else in your relationship you value highly and would like more of that your partner can (and is willing) to give you.

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Lady Girl

I still havent found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesnt desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. Weve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isnt the lack of sex but that he just doesnt want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing its just an act and its not what he wants and does only because of me. Its rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising wont help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

I seriously struggle with thinking about the fact that he would rather not. The lack of sex would bother me though...my body wants it, and my mind wants it with him. The fact that he's asexual does create issues for me, but I've asked him repeatedly if he is repulsed and he says no, he just wouldn't seek it out aside from me. It's not as great as if he really really wanted it, but it's part of our life together. It's a back and forth feeling for both of us I think, some days it seems ok, some days it doesn't. Most of the time we are both fine with the arrangement. I think we both feel like we are happy to make this kind of effort for the other person.

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Sally

One last thing...many asexuals in a compromise are not compromising themselves. They are choosing to participate in an activity they might otherwise avoid, and they most likely do this because they love their partner and care about the partner's feeling of well being. This thread isn't about the right or wrong of that choice.

For the years that I participated in sex with two separate men I loved, I was not repulsed.

But I don't think it's true to say "many asexuals...are not compromising themselves." Doing something you don't want to do is compromise. Every time I had sex with someone, i was compromising, because my choice would have been to NOT have it. I was only doing it because my partner would have been unhappy if I didn't. It didn't seem like a choice to me.

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Einy

I still havent found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesnt desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. Weve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isnt the lack of sex but that he just doesnt want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing its just an act and its not what he wants and does only because of me. Its rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising wont help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

I seriously struggle with thinking about the fact that he would rather not. The lack of sex would bother me though...my body wants it, and my mind wants it with him. The fact that he's asexual does create issues for me, but I've asked him repeatedly if he is repulsed and he says no, he just wouldn't seek it out aside from me. It's not as great as if he really really wanted it, but it's part of our life together. It's a back and forth feeling for both of us I think, some days it seems ok, some days it doesn't. Most of the time we are both fine with the arrangement. I think we both feel like we are happy to make this kind of effort for the other person.

The lack of sex certainly bother me too, It's just that the thoughts about him not wanting me sexually are even worse. If my partner was repulsed, sex would definitely be off the table, even if he wanted to compromise. I'm just afraid I couldn't enjoy something I love, knowing he would rather not do it (or doesn't want to do), it's just a huge turn off.

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Lady Girl

I still havent found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesnt desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. Weve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isnt the lack of sex but that he just doesnt want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing its just an act and its not what he wants and does only because of me. Its rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising wont help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

I seriously struggle with thinking about the fact that he would rather not. The lack of sex would bother me though...my body wants it, and my mind wants it with him. The fact that he's asexual does create issues for me, but I've asked him repeatedly if he is repulsed and he says no, he just wouldn't seek it out aside from me. It's not as great as if he really really wanted it, but it's part of our life together. It's a back and forth feeling for both of us I think, some days it seems ok, some days it doesn't. Most of the time we are both fine with the arrangement. I think we both feel like we are happy to make this kind of effort for the other person.

The lack of sex certainly bother me too, It's just that the thoughts about him not wanting me sexually are even worse. If my partner was repulsed, sex would definitely be off the table, even if he wanted to compromise. I'm just afraid I couldn't enjoy something I love, knowing he would rather not do it (or doesn't want to do), it's just a huge turn off.

I can understand that. I'm not trying to convince you that you should compromise, I'm trying to answer your question about how I got over him not really wanting to have sex. I don't masturbate, so our once a month isn't very much for me, we feel like we are both adjusting to make this work. I guess it's not a turn off because I love him and this is how he wants us to work through this.

Another thing...we were married for 25 years before we figured this out, so this is what we've been doing all along (aside from when we tried the other options and failed at them). Compromise seems to be part of the dynamics of our relationship and has been for a long time...we just do it with a lot less difficulty now.

@Sally...I feel there is a difference between compromise and compromising your self. In my opinion, our sexuality is not the entirety of who we are but just a part and therefore a sexual compromise (in the context of this thread) is not a compromise of self, just a compromise, period. I will amend the post to say asexuals that I know.

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Sally

@Sally...I feel there is a difference between compromise and compromising your self. In my opinion, our sexuality is not the entirety of who we are but just a part and therefore a sexual compromise (in the context of this thread) is not a compromise of self, just a compromise, period. I will amend the post to say asexuals that I know.

Ooop, I didn't specify well i meant in saying what I said. What I mean is that not only are sexuals compromising, asexuals are also compromising (what I meant by "asexuals compromise themselves"). I never felt like I was compromising my essential self, which is always with me whatever I do.

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Lady Girl

@Sally...I feel there is a difference between compromise and compromising your self. In my opinion, our sexuality is not the entirety of who we are but just a part and therefore a sexual compromise (in the context of this thread) is not a compromise of self, just a compromise, period. I will amend the post to say asexuals that I know.

Ooop, I didn't specify well i meant in saying what I said. What I mean is that not only are sexuals compromising, asexuals are also compromising (what I meant by "asexuals compromise themselves"). I never felt like I was compromising my essential self, which is always with me whatever I do.

Oh geesh Sallycat! I feel like a goof now, I totally misunderstood you! Thanks for clarifying. :) I should have known, I've read so many of your posts.

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Sally

@Sally...I feel there is a difference between compromise and compromising your self. In my opinion, our sexuality is not the entirety of who we are but just a part and therefore a sexual compromise (in the context of this thread) is not a compromise of self, just a compromise, period. I will amend the post to say asexuals that I know.

Ooop, I didn't specify well i meant in saying what I said. What I mean is that not only are sexuals compromising, asexuals are also compromising (what I meant by "asexuals compromise themselves"). I never felt like I was compromising my essential self, which is always with me whatever I do.

Oh geesh Sallycat! I feel like a goof now, I totally misunderstood you! Thanks for clarifying. :) I should have known, I've read so many of your posts.

I'm really stumbling with the wording today -- I've had to re-explain myself all day!

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jojo2003

I still havent found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesnt desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. Weve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isnt the lack of sex but that he just doesnt want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing its just an act and its not what he wants and does only because of me. Its rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising wont help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

I seriously struggle with thinking about the fact that he would rather not. The lack of sex would bother me though...my body wants it, and my mind wants it with him. The fact that he's asexual does create issues for me, but I've asked him repeatedly if he is repulsed and he says no, he just wouldn't seek it out aside from me. It's not as great as if he really really wanted it, but it's part of our life together. It's a back and forth feeling for both of us I think, some days it seems ok, some days it doesn't. Most of the time we are both fine with the arrangement. I think we both feel like we are happy to make this kind of effort for the other person.

The lack of sex certainly bother me too, It's just that the thoughts about him not wanting me sexually are even worse. If my partner was repulsed, sex would definitely be off the table, even if he wanted to compromise. I'm just afraid I couldn't enjoy something I love, knowing he would rather not do it (or doesn't want to do), it's just a huge turn off.

I can understand that. I'm not trying to convince you that you should compromise, I'm trying to answer your question about how I got over him not really wanting to have sex. I don't masturbate, so our once a month isn't very much for me, we feel like we are both adjusting to make this work. I guess it's not a turn off because I love him and this is how he wants us to work through this.

Another thing...we were married for 25 years before we figured this out, so this is what we've been doing all along (aside from when we tried the other options and failed at them). Compromise seems to be part of the dynamics of our relationship and has been for a long time...we just do it with a lot less difficulty now.

@Sally...I feel there is a difference between compromise and compromising your self. In my opinion, our sexuality is not the entirety of who we are but just a part and therefore a sexual compromise (in the context of this thread) is not a compromise of self, just a compromise, period. I will amend the post to say asexuals that I know.

I can relate to this in so many ways. My partner is sexually repulsed, so sex if off the table for quite some years now. And I know it is not me, but I am afraid it still hurts that my partner does not desire me in that way. It is something that you can not explain to an asexual partner, although she does her best to understand me. On an cognetive level I do understand it is not me and she does understand that there is a need, but that does not change the feeling.

I think not having sex is bearable for me, but not being desired is something I can not cope with every now and than.

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PlayfulSadism

Some of this is going to sound entitled and whiny. Forcing my emotions to act in accordance to my reason isn't always fast or easy.

The lack of sex isn't the most uncomfortable part of my mixed relationship. I do feel hurt when the thought of my partner not desiring me crosses my mind, but my main issue arises mostly from my self-esteem issues. I worry that the lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship will make some of my less appealing qualities carry that much more weight in determining whether we stay together. Furthermore, while we're attempting to find a good middle ground on sexual activity, she invariably loses interest and disengages before I can find release. It means the world to me that she's trying, and I'm afraid to ask for more because she's already doing more than she'd care to (i.e. zero), and putting more pressure on her doesn't seem fair.

I know that compromise isn't always an equivalent exchange, but in some of my less charitable moments, I feel like I'm getting a raw deal. I know that isn't true, but it's hard to feel that my needs are equally considered when one partner has all the power considering sex.

To clarify, I mean that I don't have any bargaining chips. Changing my normal behavior to try and "earn" sex is dishonest, and I can't use the appeal of sex itself to try and elicit a response. Everything we do hinges on how generous she's feeling, and while she has been thus far, I still feel like I've been reduced to a tame animal who's begging for table scraps.

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Sally

I think the biggest hurdle to get over in a sexual/asexual relationship is that the asexual has no innate desire to have sex with anyone. No matter how much they love their partner, they're having sex because the partner wants it, not because the asexual wants it. That's simply a given. Since to most sexuals, the best thing about sex is that your partner has desire for you, the lack of mutual desire really hurts. I think most asexuals understand that. The sexual probably understands that for the asexual, love just doesn't require sex.

But understanding of each partner's feelings is only half the battle. The rest consists of the compromise: the sexual knowing that the other "half" of the desire isn't there, but their partner is willing to accommodate; the asexual knowing that their partner is willing to engage in what is ultimate closeness for the sexual even though it isn't the complete experience that the sexual wants.

If that can't happen, and each party feels frustrated, then compromise isn't possible.

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Lady Girl

It is really hard knowing he's getting nothing out of it...I mean, I sort of always felt that sex was to please each other and now it's only to please me which is hard to reconcile in my mind sometimes. It is hard to accept the fact that relations do seem purely selfish on my part now.

It's only been in the last six months or so that I feel that my body is satisfied, but I am not as engaged in it mentally. I keep telling myself that this is just the way it is and he wants monogamy as much as I do so we need to keep trying.

Pretty much what Sally just said. Understanding it is one thing, actually being happy to compromise (both sexual and asexual) is another.

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jojo2003

Sally and LG.

I think we are touching on the basis of the compromise subject right here. Is it possible to feel happy with a compromise, if you know your partner is doing things just to please you and not out of a intrinsic feeling.

In many other ways, for instance eating something I don't like because my partner really enjoys it, it feels fine, but somehow on this subject, it does not feel right. And that is what makes me unhappy many times.

In my relationship the compromise consists of the amount of intimate time I get, but even then I get fed up a lot of times very often when I feel my partner "zoning out". It is a difficult discussing leading to her feeling "I am doing it to please you and still it is no good" and me wanting her to feel it. Really feel what she does not feel. Again on a cognative level I am very happy with the things my partner tries, but it feels unfair every now and than.

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Vampyremage

For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy? I know with my partner and I, while I'm not a very sexual person (despite being more than willing to compromise on that to a certain degree), non-sexual intimacy is of great importance to me and I think to him as well. We're often in casual physical contact, whether its a hand on a leg or full on cuddling. Kissing and cuddling are things that happen daily including, often, naked cuddling. Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

I also wonder, for some asexual partners, if finding something enjoyable in the act itself might help? In my own case, the enjoyment that I get isn't always strictly sexual. But, in starting to explore a couple of fetishes I have, I nevertheless come to enjoy certain aspects far more than I otherwise would. I wouldn't necessarily classify the enjoyment as sexual in nature, but its something that does tie me closer to my partner and the acts that he enjoys and desires so much.

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PlayfulSadism

Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

Yes. Though I cannot speak for anyone else, these moments to some extent provide the emotional fulfillment that is absent when my partner decides to endure sexual activity.

It's like the same kind of feedback in a different context. It helps me to feel less crestfallen if there's a good measure of sensual togetherness prior to an emotionally unsatisfying sexual one. It's less effective afterwards. I'm not sure why.

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Lady Girl
For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy? I know with my partner and I, while I'm not a very sexual person (despite being more than willing to compromise on that to a certain degree), non-sexual intimacy is of great importance to me and I think to him as well. We're often in casual physical contact, whether its a hand on a leg or full on cuddling. Kissing and cuddling are things that happen daily including, often, naked cuddling. Do sensual, as opposed to overtly sexual, acts help in any fashion?

I think it would help a lot. Mr. LG thinks I will just want more. This is actually something we have been going round about for several months now. I read your post to him. I've been annoyed about all this lately and I feel bad for making him feel bad about it. Like I mentioned above though, it's been about one day of tears a month...I lose my composure over it. I think he will think about what you've said though.

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Einy

I agree that one of the best things about sex is that you can please your partner, and it's hard to take that you don't please them and furthermore, it could be even the contrary. I don't know how one's supposed to enjoy it then. Some asexuals say that sex isn't that unpleasant for them, but yet they're often willing to have sex only once a month/week so I guess it usually is unpleasant. Or is it the case, when it's all right every now and then but more often would be suddenly disagreeable?


To clarify, I mean that I don't have any bargaining chips. Changing my normal behavior to try and "earn" sex is dishonest, and I can't use the appeal of sex itself to try and elicit a response. Everything we do hinges on how generous she's feeling, and while she has been thus far, I still feel like I've been reduced to a tame animal who's begging for table scraps.

Yes, I'm afraid I would have exactly these feelings if we were compromising..

For the sexual partners out there, how much does non-sexual intimacy help in dealing with the relative lack of sexual intimacy?

I usually wish we had more non-sexual physical contact as we don't have much of it either. However, when we rarely cuddle or kiss, it usually gets worse afterwards as I realize how much I miss the sexual intimacy. And I also feel bad, that he's trying to be sensual and it's still not good enough for me. Maybe if we were cuddling and kissing more often I could get used to it.

In many other ways, for instance eating something I don't like because my partner really enjoys it, it feels fine, but somehow on this subject, it does not feel right. And that is what makes me unhappy many times.

I feel the same way, sex is just something too personal and intimate (for me) so I guess sexual compromise can't be compared to food compromise.

However I think it's great when compromise works for the couple, I wish I could make it somehow.

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Lady Girl
I agree that one of the best things about sex is that you can please your partner, and it's hard to take that you don't please them and furthermore, it could be even the contrary. I don't know how one's supposed to enjoy it then. Some asexuals say that sex isn't that unpleasant for them, but yet they're often willing to have sex only once a month/week so I guess it usually is unpleasant. Or is it the case, when it's all right every now and then but more often would be suddenly disagreeable?

I've asked him about this part of it numerous times. He has made it pretty clear that it's not disagreeable or agreeable, it's neutral. But if he feels pressure for a frequency that he's not comfortable with it's totally stressful and he just won't anyway.

I have to get past the part that it's selfish on my part now. I've mentioned that I feel this way, and he looks at me like, "and your point is?" I honestly think since he is willing to compromise he sort of expects me to work through the mental issues I have with it myself. He sees life as one big compromise, so he honestly doesn't think I should have hang ups over this. On many levels I think he is being practical.

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jojo2003

On a cognetive level I do understand what practical mr. LG means, but it works differently on an emotional level. I think deep down he must understand.

And the part of working through your own mental issues is not really fair either is it? You could just as well state that he should live with a frequency he's not comfortable with and deal with the mental issues himself.

I know this sounds a bit blunt, but I get this all the time from my asexual partner when I try to explain how it feels (in my case to get a bit more intamacy and my partner going through the motions to please me). It is like "I'm doing you a favour, what more do you want". And yes what more do we want, but that does not mean that the feeling changes and we are in this together aren't we?

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