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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


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On 8/31/2017 at 11:21 AM, ArcticFoxes said:

I really struggled with this. I had literally spent a majority of my teen and young adult life trying to be more sexual, and doing a really good job of fooling myself and everyone around me into thinking I was sexual. (I got into so many situations I never wanted to be in, and that was horrible, scary and all wrong). I'm in therapy for having disassociated and repressed to the point of not realising a hell of a lot of feelings, boundaries, needs and desires that I've had for over half my life, and sexuality has been one of the biggest of these things that I was in denial about.

 

So it's been bittersweet. I'm slowly ripping away the image I made of myself to myself and my closest friends and it hurts because I had put a lot of time and effort into trying to be someone I'd be proud of sexually. Bahah.

 

Initially I identified as Grey-ace, but the more I accept it, the lesser and lesser the grey bit seems to get, and my boundaries get tighter and tighter. I'm interested in sex as a concept, philosophically and artistically speaking, but I definitely realise now that the way I see it is not at all how anyone else I know does.

 

Anyway, when I first heard of asexuality, I was so deep in denial I thought, 'that's weird. Who the hell is like that?' ...It's only therapy that's changed it and made me realise I was, too. My husband was more excited for me than I was. I was just angry and despairing for a while, because I'd tried so hard for years for nothing, and there are so many things I will never understand, and accepting that is very hard for me. I'm a bit happier now, but still extremely sensitive about it all.

 

On another note... if anyone has had a similar experience, please message me. I haven't seen anyone else online talk about an experience like mine before and would love to connect with someone that has.

I spent much of my teen and young adult life wondering what was wrong with me. I didn't necessarily pretend to be something I'm not consciously, but I did have sex the first time because of pressure put on myself by myself. I felt like it was about time even though I didn't have the desire. I had a curiosity and thought that was enough. I was with my boyfriend at the time for a year and a half and I loved him, so I thought why not?  I had sex with quite a few partners after that through the years thinking each time when I didn't like it that I just didn't know how and when I was sexually attracted to people for some reason and couldn't find the right person.  All the men I was with were kind nice people. Nothing bad happened except for my own pressure on myself to be "normal".  As a result of having sex when I wasn't really ready, while there was no trauma or scary situations I shouldn't have been in, this did affect my attitude toward sex and most of the time it was painful and I didn't get the point of it. I developed Vaginismus for a long time and sex felt uncomfortable or like a chore or something I was just supposed to do as a girlfriend (pressure from myself, never the guys). I've just recently been able to have sex pain free. I'm gray asexual by the way. I wasn't in denial about my asexuality. One I had never heard of asexuality and two I just thought I was broken or something and ignored it for many many years until my current boyfriend encouraged me to figure myself out more in the sexuality department and I came across this site! Accepting being asexual is hard. It's a lot easier for me now knowing that there are people like me out there and I'm not broken. While I'm not broken, I do still wish I could feel the sexual passion that I see on tv and how my previous and current boyfriends have felt and feel. I think it would be way more fun being able to get caught up in a sexual moment than sort of just leaning into it when it comes along. I've learned that you can accept yourself and still want something more. That's how it is with everything actually. But once you accept yourself fully, you can be happier and move on with ideas on how to make yourself and your partner happier together. I'm glad you're on this site. It's helped me an a lot of others gain confidence with who they are. Welcome!

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3 hours ago, GLRDT said:

I spent much of my teen and young adult life wondering what was wrong with me. I didn't necessarily pretend to be something I'm not consciously, but I did have sex the first time because of pressure put on myself by myself. I felt like it was about time even though I didn't have the desire. I had a curiosity and thought that was enough. I was with my boyfriend at the time for a year and a half and I loved him, so I thought why not?  I had sex with quite a few partners after that through the years thinking each time when I didn't like it that I just didn't know how and when I was sexually attracted to people for some reason and couldn't find the right person.  All the men I was with were kind nice people. Nothing bad happened except for my own pressure on myself to be "normal".  As a result of having sex when I wasn't really ready, while there was no trauma or scary situations I shouldn't have been in, this did affect my attitude toward sex and most of the time it was painful and I didn't get the point of it. I developed Vaginismus for a long time and sex felt uncomfortable or like a chore or something I was just supposed to do as a girlfriend (pressure from myself, never the guys). I've just recently been able to have sex pain free. I'm gray asexual by the way. I wasn't in denial about my asexuality. One I had never heard of asexuality and two I just thought I was broken or something and ignored it for many many years until my current boyfriend encouraged me to figure myself out more in the sexuality department and I came across this site! Accepting being asexual is hard. It's a lot easier for me now knowing that there are people like me out there and I'm not broken. While I'm not broken, I do still wish I could feel the sexual passion that I see on tv and how my previous and current boyfriends have felt and feel. I think it would be way more fun being able to get caught up in a sexual moment than sort of just leaning into it when it comes along. I've learned that you can accept yourself and still want something more. That's how it is with everything actually. But once you accept yourself fully, you can be happier and move on with ideas on how to make yourself and your partner happier together. I'm glad you're on this site. It's helped me an a lot of others gain confidence with who they are. Welcome!

Thankyou. :) I'm glad I'm on this site too. Unfortunately I did end up with some trauma, but in fairness, there were other factors going on regarding that, it wasn't specifically due to my sexuality. Now that you mention it, I definitely remember that most of the sex I had was painful! There was one particular ex that I was celibate with for a year because of that, though I tried so hard not to be. 

 

I had a weird mix of a misunderstanding/wishful thinking going on, too. I kept convincing myself I was enjoying it, and I was certain that the romantic attraction I felt was also sexual, and that other people felt the same way towards me that I did to them. It did make me think that everyone was pretending to like sex more than they actually did though, like me. :P

 

Thankyou for replying <3

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I thought I was heterosexual until this year, I didn't really know about asexuality. And I didn't think that my non-existing levels of sexual and romantic attraction was weird. I thought everyone felt the same. I literally thought all my friends were just making it up when they seemed obsessed with innuendos and sexual jokes, etc. And like, in movies and other media, I've always hated when there's a sex scene, or implied sex scene; and I thought it made everyone supper uncomfortable... but no, apparently not...

Anyway, when I found out that asexual and Aromantic was a thing, it kinda clicked into place...

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52 minutes ago, ArcticFoxes said:

Thankyou. :) I'm glad I'm on this site too. Unfortunately I did end up with some trauma, but in fairness, there were other factors going on regarding that, it wasn't specifically due to my sexuality. Now that you mention it, I definitely remember that most of the sex I had was painful! There was one particular ex that I was celibate with for a year because of that, though I tried so hard not to be. 

 

I had a weird mix of a misunderstanding/wishful thinking going on, too. I kept convincing myself I was enjoying it, and I was certain that the romantic attraction I felt was also sexual, and that other people felt the same way towards me that I did to them. It did make me think that everyone was pretending to like sex more than they actually did though, like me. :P

 

Thankyou for replying <3

The one thing we definitely had in common was confusion. Ha ha. It makes sense that if your mind isn't into sex and not wanting it than your body won't either. It won't be ready, thus the pain in my opinion. I'm glad you're learning more about yourself and sharing your story!

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9 hours ago, OpenAce said:

I thought I was heterosexual until this year, I didn't really know about asexuality. And I didn't think that my non-existing levels of sexual and romantic attraction was weird. I thought everyone felt the same. I literally thought all my friends were just making it up when they seemed obsessed with innuendos and sexual jokes, etc. And like, in movies and other media, I've always hated when there's a sex scene, or implied sex scene; and I thought it made everyone supper uncomfortable... but no, apparently not...

Anyway, when I found out that asexual and Aromantic was a thing, it kinda clicked into place...

Yeah, right there with you in thinking that everyone felt uncomfortable but were just pretending to like it...

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As a teen, I figured I was Demi because I was fascinated by sex after a distant Facebook acquaintance came out as ace online. I then went on about my life and figured my sex life would be normal once I decided to have one. I did tell my husband when we were dating, but I now realize he didn't get the full picture. After getting married and trying the whole sex thing out, I discovered my sex life was not normal. Sex was boring and unenjoyable and definitely not this awesome experience. I was doing some reading online and found a blog that talked about thoughts about yourself, others, and sex that might indicate that you are ace and saw myself in every one. I now identify as grey ace. I came out to my husband. He took it as well as I could have expected, but asked me some questions I wasn't real keen on. I probably won't come out to anyone else. I come from a super conservative Christian background and being ace is "against God's will" and "against the natural order". I got called various gay slurs as a teen because I was a bit too androgynous in presentation and not real interested in sex. Since the slurs have ended as an adult, I'm pretty afraid to risk having that again. However, knowing how to categorize myself and knowing that others are like me is a huge help. Now I just want to get to know some other aces.

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I went the unexpected route of "wait... that's not how everyone else feels?!?"

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  • 2 weeks later...
SithAzathoth WinterDragon
On Monday, August 07, 2017 at 9:05 PM, Me Too said:

Hey all, 

Im a newbie and only came to the realisation (after stumbling across asexual info on the net) last night that i am actually "asexual". This is a profound and welcoming discovering, because for the past 30+ years of adult life (im 48), ive known im different but didnt think there was anyone else out there like me or even a label for it. 

After 3 failed marriages and countless relationships with non-asexual men, I now understand that it wasnt that they were sex maniacs or that i was broken; it was the fact that we were totally incompatable with different desires and needs. I always "performed my wifely/girlfriend sexual duties" because of societies pressure and the expectations of my partner to do these things if you love someone. I always felt nothing. i am actually repulsed by the thought of sex and met this "duty" with much anger and resentmentment. I didnt think i was allowed to have a choice if i wanted to be in a loving long term relationship. My partners always made me feel obligated and made me feel guilty about the pressure in their balls building up causing pain and not really loving them if i didn't perform sexual acts. This constant flux of sexual conflict always led to the destruction of relationships that were functioning perfectly on all other levels.  Sex was the downfall that there was no solution for when one demands it and one is repulsed by it. 

Hence im single again and on a journey of self discovery... learning who i am and what i need and want instead of being dictated to by others. I am not attracted to others, but i do have an asthetic appreciation for the eyes, smiles and hearts of some people. Just like you would admire a beautiful sunset or love your dog for the unconditional love they give you. I do want to be in a relationship again one day, cause i do value the companionship, the emotional and intellectual bond and support you get from a relationship and i do love cuddles and snuggling into my partner naked at night feeling that intamacy and love..but i wish and need for nothing sexual.

Finally with this enlightened understanding of myself and the knowledge im not the only one who feels this way...i have new hope for a happy future and a strength to stand up for my rights. 

Im so glad to be part of this community. Thank you AVEN. 

Welcome to AVEN! Having sex is no "need" the way society says all should have it is just stupid in my opinion. I've never been sexual and I'm in my late twenties.  I hate how society sees us, I've had some "friends" who HATE asexuals. The few males that tried hitting on me soon found out that I would never have anything with them, 3 I had told off and they HATED it. I enjoy being single, relationships are not a need but a want. 

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Hi, I have spent years, too, thinking that there is something  'wrong' with me, same as ArticFoxes and GLRDT - I forced myself into sex when I was younger, then late teens/early 20's I thought ' It doesn't work with men; I must like women'. That didn't work either, so I've spent years not knowing what I am!  I watched Compass last night - 'Power to the People, ep. 3, about the rise of Australia's LGBTQI rights movement. I think it was toward the end I heard the word 'asexual', and it started me thinking. The program mentioned an organization in Sydney called Twenty10, that offer safe  spaces, someone to talk to, etc. So today I started doing research, finding contact details, etc. because I'm in Melbourne. Thank you Google! This org. came up. So there are people like me in the world! what does ace stand for?

 

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I figured it out kind of slowly. I would convent on my confusion about sexual topics and my aversion to the subject and even my own genitals. My friend eventually told me, "you are probably asexual." I had only heard myths about it (such as asexuals can't have sex and things like that). I went home and began my research on the topic. I've literally cried because I've had to fake a liking for sexual things and i felt awful when i said with honesty that I didn't know what orgasm was like or how sexual things felt good in any way. People told me that i probably hadn't found the right man or other things like that. They would be shocked if they learned that I didn't masturbate or really enjoy any of that. Really, it went mostly unnoticed, other than the random times sex would come up and I'd find myself making a grossed out face. I found this place forests the end of my researching and have decided that i fit into asexuality and sex-repulsion.

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I was really fascinated the first time I heard that sexuality can be a two-dimensional spectrum, not just a one-dimensional line. For so long, I'd only ever heard of the Kinsey scale, which rates sexuality on a scale from fully heterosexual to fully homosexual. (Obviously this doesn't include other sexual orientations, but this is the most common way I'd heard sexuality talked about.) The first time I saw the purple-red scale of attraction, I was super-intrigued. I remember thinking, "Yeah, I'd probably be somewhere around a C1 or a C2." But just the idea that there *could be* an asexuality orientation was something I felt I needed to investigate more. And the more I read about it, the more I identified with it. (I still consider myself a C1 or a C2, incidentally. I'm willing to have sex if my husband initiates it, but it's just not the sort of thing I'll think to pursue myself, most of the time.)

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6 hours ago, Baska said:

The first time I saw the purple-red scale of attraction, I was super-intrigued.

It's my first time seeing this! This is so cool! I'm somewhere between a B2 and a C2.

 

When I first discovered that gray-asexuality was a thing, I was relieved and excited. It took several more years before I realized that it applied to me, but I was glad to have another option to explore that might help me understand myself better.

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10 hours ago, Baska said:

I was really fascinated the first time I heard that sexuality can be a two-dimensional spectrum, not just a one-dimensional line. For so long, I'd only ever heard of the Kinsey scale, which rates sexuality on a scale from fully heterosexual to fully homosexual. (Obviously this doesn't include other sexual orientations, but this is the most common way I'd heard sexuality talked about.) The first time I saw the purple-red scale of attraction, I was super-intrigued. I remember thinking, "Yeah, I'd probably be somewhere around a C1 or a C2." But just the idea that there *could be* an asexuality orientation was something I felt I needed to investigate more. And the more I read about it, the more I identified with it. (I still consider myself a C1 or a C2, incidentally. I'm willing to have sex if my husband initiates it, but it's just not the sort of thing I'll think to pursue myself, most of the time.)

Thanks for the purple red scale of attraction. I had never seen that before. I would preferably be a BO but am okay being a CO and is what I always have been in my relationships.

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11 hours ago, Baska said:

I was really fascinated the first time I heard that sexuality can be a two-dimensional spectrum, not just a one-dimensional line. For so long, I'd only ever heard of the Kinsey scale, which rates sexuality on a scale from fully heterosexual to fully homosexual. (Obviously this doesn't include other sexual orientations, but this is the most common way I'd heard sexuality talked about.) The first time I saw the purple-red scale of attraction, I was super-intrigued. I remember thinking, "Yeah, I'd probably be somewhere around a C1 or a C2." But just the idea that there *could be* an asexuality orientation was something I felt I needed to investigate more. And the more I read about it, the more I identified with it. (I still consider myself a C1 or a C2, incidentally. I'm willing to have sex if my husband initiates it, but it's just not the sort of thing I'll think to pursue myself, most of the time.)

I totally agree! It's good to see yourself on something instead of feeling like you don't fit on the "standard"

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Just had a look at the purple-red scale of attraction - I've never seen it before. i would put myself at A - for Aromantic Asexuality (good thing I like purple!). I can understand the bit about aesthetic attraction - I was looking at a man in the gym yesterday, and thinking 'Wow, he has really nice, shapely legs', but there are also women who are nice to look at. I've realized it's not their sex (male or female) that interests me, just the fact that people are nice to look at.

For centuries, I guess even now, sexuality was only viewed as one type - hetero, male and female. I'm glad that at least the discussion (we're still waiting for action!!) is focusing on other sexualities and realizing that there is more than one 'type'.

Thank you for responding.

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What I thought when I heard about asexuality:

 

1) "I can't be asexual."

2) "Can I be asexual?"

3) "Some things would make a lot more sense if I were asexual."

4) "Maybe I'm asexual."

5) "Let me ask my wife if she thinks it's silly."

6) "Oh I guess I'm asexual then."

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Let me first just say when I first heard about asexuality I had to look it up to see wat it was. My search on google led me here to Aven, and it all made sense to me. All my friends and family always tried to push me into relationships with different women they thought were "perfect" for me but with each date I never once thought I could spend my life with this person. As I got older (I'm 25 now) I figured it was just a "phase" that I was going through and that some day I would meet someone special to me, but with each passing day I remained the same. Each time I talked to someone new friends and Coworkers would say that I was in "love" with that person but to me I just saw another friend I never once saw someone in a sexual manner the thought of being intimate with another seemed alien to me. I always thought that because I didn't love any one it was because I was different or that a past relationship might have been the cause of my lack of sexual drive. However after learning there are more out there like me I feel relieved that I'm not an outcast like I believed and that there are others like me out therent thank you all. (Sorry about the rant)

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Unlike a lot of people here who simply learned the term Asexual and went right to "Oh that's me!", I've actually known about Asexuality as a concept for a long time. I don't know how long exactly, certainly a number of years. I never really identified with it personally because I still had sexual feelings, just not towards particular people. When going through life, I do sometimes think "Oh gee that person sure is attractive", but I never think "Boy I'd love to be having sex with that person right now" -- that concept is totally alien to me. People would also talk about having 'crushes' on people, and that too was totally foreign to me.

I grew up around a socially awkward crowd, so none of my friends every had boyfriends or girlfriends either. I didn't feel totally outside the norm, except that they would always be lamenting the fact that they were lonely and didn't have anybody, and I was all "What's the big deal?". Still I chocked my continued disinterest up to social awkwardness. Surely if I was better at interacting with people, I'd find someone.

However, as life went on into my late teens, I noticed something. I grew more confident and better at socializing, but asking someone out on a date just never crossed my mind. I heard about people who see a person and regret not asking them out, or not talking to them, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that that had never happened to me. It wasn't just that I was too awkward to talk to people, it was that I had no desire to ask anyone out at all.

That's basically where I am now. In the abstract, I wouldn't mind finding a girlfriend or having sex, but when it comes to the actual real-life of the matter, the thought never really crosses my mind. I can't say I'm not scared of ending up alone in the future, because I am, but I'm still figuring this all out. That's why I came to this site -- for a safe place for me to work through this. I still identify as heterosexual/romantic for the time being, but I suspect I might by grey-a for both sexuality and romanticism.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, but that's basically my story. I hope that I can find what I'm looking for here.

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1 hour ago, JacketsOn said:

Unlike a lot of people here who simply learned the term Asexual and went right to "Oh that's me!", I've actually known about Asexuality as a concept for a long time. I don't know how long exactly, certainly a number of years. I never really identified with it personally because I still had sexual feelings, just not towards particular people. When going through life, I do sometimes think "Oh gee that person sure is attractive", but I never think "Boy I'd love to be having sex with that person right now" -- that concept is totally alien to me. People would also talk about having 'crushes' on people, and that too was totally foreign to me.

I grew up around a socially awkward crowd, so none of my friends every had boyfriends or girlfriends either. I didn't feel totally outside the norm, except that they would always be lamenting the fact that they were lonely and didn't have anybody, and I was all "What's the big deal?". Still I chocked my continued disinterest up to social awkwardness. Surely if I was better at interacting with people, I'd find someone.

However, as life went on into my late teens, I noticed something. I grew more confident and better at socializing, but asking someone out on a date just never crossed my mind. I heard about people who see a person and regret not asking them out, or not talking to them, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that that had never happened to me. It wasn't just that I was too awkward to talk to people, it was that I had no desire to ask anyone out at all.

That's basically where I am now. In the abstract, I wouldn't mind finding a girlfriend or having sex, but when it comes to the actual real-life of the matter, the thought never really crosses my mind. I can't say I'm not scared of ending up alone in the future, because I am, but I'm still figuring this all out. That's why I came to this site -- for a safe place for me to work through this. I still identify as heterosexual/romantic for the time being, but I suspect I might by grey-a for both sexuality and romanticism.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, but that's basically my story. I hope that I can find what I'm looking for here.

I also have known about asexuality for a long time without knowing i was asexual! 

 

When my best friend in the world heard the term asexual, she knew instantly that's what she was. She is totally uninterested in romantic relationships and is sex-repulsed. She was instantly at peace with her sexual identity, and was totally confident about it (and still is). 

So that was the image of asexuality I had to relate to - something I wasn't. I wasn't aromantic, nor was I particularly sex repulsed (or i didn't think so at the time). Unlike you though, I often fantasized about being in a sexual relationship, about having a partner that made me feel good. I thought about asking boys out, though i rarely did. So I can't have been asexual....right? For a long, long time, I never considered that i might be asexual because I knew I wasn't the same as my friend. I thought I was just nervous about sex, that I wasn't ready.

even when I began to learn that not all asexuals experienced it the same way, I didn't think I was one. It seems silly to say now, but I thought it was just statistically unlikely that both my friend and i were asexual! 

 

It was only when I had my first relationship that I myself instigated that I started to think that I might be asexual. I really did like this guy - we were already friends, he made me laugh, and I had a crush on him. But I didn't like kissing him. Or, I did, but only if it was a quick, closed mouth kiss of the 'showing affection' variety. Making out was just boring to me, and him touching me sexually made me very uncomfortable. Once I knew he was sexually attracted to me, that was it - I no longer wanted the relationship. Lord, was that embarrassing to explain to him, and hurtful too. I regret that very much. But at least now I know: at best, I find sexual acts boring. At worst, I'm repulsed. I still want a relationship, I know that, and I hope I'll find somebody that will be alright with having a sexless relationship.

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Thank you for the warm welcome :)

 

It's interesting because I always kind of assumed I would end up with someone (sexually and otherwise) eventually, but I just didn't do anything IRL to make it happen. I'm still not even sure about being asexual or aromantic, but I feel like exploring the possibility is really important for me right now.

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The first time I read about asexualty, I wondered if it could apply to me but did not think much more about it because I thought that I had to meet the right guy to be interested in sex. Failing being interested in the right guy, I wondered if perhaps I was lesbian. Failing being interested in the right girl, I tried sex with different partners, failed to find it interesting and came back to the definition of asexuality. I then admitted I was asexual and part of me was relieved that asexuality existed, because it meant I was like everybody else, unbroken. But another part of me thought "are you sure? Are you not trying to find excuses because sex scares you, because you don't find it interesting?". Now I can say I'm not interested and that it isn't wrong. I just don't really know yet what to do about it...

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I'm reading an interesting book at the moment - Laurie Penny Unspeakable Things: Sex, Lies and Revolution, 2014, Bloomsbury Publishing, GBr. Page 204 - 'The Language of Love' - 'Part of the problem is the lack of language  to describe love...we only have one word, 'love', for the vast spectrum of passion and compassion, compersion (joy) and care that makes our species worth saving...only one [word] to describe the thing we're told is most important. And of every possible definition of love, it is  romantic love between couples, monogamous sexual and social commitment between two people that is considered the most important.'

The social definition is so narrow. So many social definitions are so narrow, like 'heterosexual' or 'not'. Becoming better as gay rights (which are just an extension of human rights - we should all be seen as human before anything else, shouldn't we?) If you don't fit into the boxes, then you're just 'other', 'not normal'.  Penny talks about how women are trying to broaden narrow definitions ('wife, 'mother', 'romantic interest') and I think this has flow-on effects - by challenging those definitions, it opens the way for other challenges. Sexuality is not binary - one or the 'other', but a spectrum of difference. Challenges to 'normal' really scare society, don't they? I knew when I was 15 that I wasn't going to have a 'normal' life (get married, have children, buy a house) and so I became socially and sexually 'invisible'.   Any A's living in Melbourne, Australia?

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On 04/10/2017 at 5:15 PM, Kersenne said:

I then admitted I was asexual and part of me was relieved that asexuality existed, because it meant I was like everybody else, unbroken. But another part of me thought "are you sure? Are you not trying to find excuses because sex scares you, because you don't find it interesting?". Now I can say I'm not interested and that it isn't wrong. I just don't really know yet what to do about it...

I also keep having doubts creep in. You need to learn to enjoy sex. You need to learn to enjoy being in a relationship. You just haven't tried hard enough. You're giving up. You're missing out. You're letting fear hold you back.

 

I find reading about the experiences of others (like on this site) very helpful for that. So when the doubts creep in I'll come read about the experiences of other aces and think, yes, omg, yes, me too. This is who I am.

 

I lie in my bed with my dog curled up at my feet and once in a while I ask myself, do I wish a person was here in this bed with me to keep me company and share my space? And the answer is always, no, I feel so much more peaceful here alone with my dog. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I'm aroace and I'm happy. 

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This is my first post and only signed up today. I'm not sure if I should have posted this on the newbies welcome room page??  I only discovered I am probably asexual last night after googling various sites. I am a 63yo grandmother!  My experiences are similar to lots on here.  I've never been sexually attracted to a man (or woman), but I do find some men physically attractive, so that's what's always puzzled me. I've always put it down to perhaps having a low libido or lack of female testosterone, (see, I've googled a lot!) I've not had sex for 27 years and never had any desire to have it since. Never chased relationships and just convinced myself that I like living on my own, and why would I want to be bothered with having to share my life? I did sometimes wonder why I didn't try to find a relationship after my marriage broke down.  A few years later, I met someone and had virtually a one night stand and this resulted in me getting pregnant with my daughter. The last time I had sex was with her father 4 years later. Each time instigated by me, but without sexual emotions attached on my part.

 

Looking back to my first sexual experiences as a teenager, I was either drunk or 'did it' because it was expected. Never ever had an orgasm or felt any pleasure whatsoever.  I have to admit that part of me feels cheated as I understand orgasms and full sexual arousal can be a wonderful experience, but sadly something I'll never have! Anyway, the jigsaw puzzle seems to have been completed and at least I know that I was born this way and I don't need injecting with testosterone and hormones etc!

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well, I live in Edinburgh for a year. Yet i am from Asia and my country has almost no info about asexual. I was sexually abused when I was young and I thought I hate sex because of it. Sadly, when I met my best man in my life, i realized i don't have any sexual feeling and didn't want to even touch him. It's quite sad cuz albeit I love him, don't want to touch him. Anyway I feel kinda free now because I recognized that I am asexual. I wanted to meet someone to talk to about it. And I guess this community is the right and the grat place to do so:) 

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How do I know if I'm really asexual? I'm new and I like to kiss other people and I masturbate once in a while but I'm not interested in sex. I'm new to this and I'm lost! I have not had sex for years and I have never missed it, but I do not know if this lack of will is due to the fact that I am asexual or because I have only had bad experiences with sex and I have lost interest. Did any of you have those same doubts when you were discovering yourself? I am very confused

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Hey everybody,

 

My name is Patrick... Or Tripp, if youre so inclined... The thing is I'm not really sure, either if this is the right area, but I'm hoping to maybe get some clarification on this. It's a possibly new, and scary world out there but... Here goes.

 

I haven't done a lot of research, not even close, but I'm not sure where I fall on the spectrum. I do occasionally experience a physical/sexual attraction, but most of the time I engage in the actual act, for my partner's sake. It feels good, but I guess I'm just not into it the way my partners seem to be. They've mostly been very loving realtionships, and I understand that often there's an "expectation" after a certain point in the relationship where sex comes into play, and I've obliged, but this realization is new, and I just need some... I don't know, guidance? Clarification? I *think* I fall in the gray-a scale? Help? Hehe... :/

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6 hours ago, BafTripp said:

Hey everybody,

 

My name is Patrick... Or Tripp, if youre so inclined... The thing is I'm not really sure, either if this is the right area, but I'm hoping to maybe get some clarification on this. It's a possibly new, and scary world out there but... Here goes.

 

I haven't done a lot of research, not even close, but I'm not sure where I fall on the spectrum. I do occasionally experience a physical/sexual attraction, but most of the time I engage in the actual act, for my partner's sake. It feels good, but I guess I'm just not into it the way my partners seem to be. They've mostly been very loving realtionships, and I understand that often there's an "expectation" after a certain point in the relationship where sex comes into play, and I've obliged, but this realization is new, and I just need some... I don't know, guidance? Clarification? I *think* I fall in the gray-a scale? Help? Hehe... :/

Yes, it seems like you could be gray-asexual. Best of luck with figuring things out. :) 

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Thanks AP, guess the weirdest part would be explaining that to future partners, if as I fumble through this, I discover who I am, will be telling them. Heh... If anybody can maybe help me clarify this further, I'm not the sharpest tack so to speak, when it comes to things like this. 😅

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11 hours ago, BafTripp said:

Hey everybody,

 

My name is Patrick... Or Tripp, if youre so inclined... The thing is I'm not really sure, either if this is the right area, but I'm hoping to maybe get some clarification on this. It's a possibly new, and scary world out there but... Here goes.

 

I haven't done a lot of research, not even close, but I'm not sure where I fall on the spectrum. I do occasionally experience a physical/sexual attraction, but most of the time I engage in the actual act, for my partner's sake. It feels good, but I guess I'm just not into it the way my partners seem to be. They've mostly been very loving realtionships, and I understand that often there's an "expectation" after a certain point in the relationship where sex comes into play, and I've obliged, but this realization is new, and I just need some... I don't know, guidance? Clarification? I *think* I fall in the gray-a scale? Help? Hehe... :/

No one can choose what you identify with but you pretty much described how I am. I identify as a sex neutral/indifferent gray asexual.  I have experienced sexual attraction three times in my life. Sexual attraction for me means being very curious what it would be like to have sex with that person because I feel magnetized and excited about that person. It makes me wonder if it will be more passionate or I'll be more into it. I have never desired sex, but I can have it for my partner and it feels good when it's happening but I'm not really deeply connected to it and would be happy to never have it again. I have a low libido so I'm hardly ever in the mood but if he initiates then I can get into the mood. Do you relate to any of this or is it different for you? Welcome and best luck with your researching. You'll find out a lot on here and it's an awesome and supportive community.

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