I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[Kathleenah]

I am still half and half. I am happy to have an explanation other than I am weird

 

But at the same time I kind of always hoped I would change my mind and now Knowing what I am and it being unlikely to ever change makes me sad because I know I eveso unlikely to ever have they relationship I so crave!

[melisestel]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm 29 years old and I just ended my very first relationshp (it lasted just over a year and was long distance) a couple months ago. Since then, people have been encouraging me to put myself back out there. But instead, I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's something that my brain has been circling towards but then backing away from. But I had this electric moment a couple weeks ago while talking with my brother and his boyfriend about someone and my brother's boyfriend said completely matter-of-factly and casually, "Or she could be asexual."

 

It was like a lightbulb went off in my brain. Like I lit up all over. That's a thing? An okay thing? A real acceptable casually mentioned thing?

So I did some research. Just from what I've read so far though, a lot of stuff is making sense. I love intense connections - in the fiction I devour they're what really get my heart hurting with emotion. But whenever it gets to the physical stuff, I turn right off.  I haven't been attracted to people. I like attention from the right guys, but even when I had "crushes", it was about them connecting with me intellectually and showing me attention. I remember loving their eyes or the way they spoke to me, I don't really remember fantasizing about getting physical with them. 

 

And one of the FAQs on here was about aces thinking they're superior because they're not distracted by attraction. And it just really spoke to me right now. The frustration I feel when my friends drop me for their love interests or why after a bad break up, a friend would say he misses the sex, and eventually get back together with the guy who broke his heart. I used to just think that it's because I've never really been head over heels in love like that. But in reality, it's because I've never felt attraction like that.

People think I have all this willpower because I haven't dated guys that weren't good for me and I haven't been pining over my ex. But it's not willpower. I just never understood the force that drives them to make their sexual-attraction-driven bad decisions.

 

I didn't understand how much sexual people are driven by that desire, how much it affects their lives. I just thought that I was raised a bit of a prude but once I met the right guy and entered into a physical relationship I'd learn that sex is not gross, it's pleasurable. I'm not sure how I thought I'd be convinced... but I didn't think asexuality was an option. I didn't think it was an orientation. I thought that this state I was in was something I needed to outgrow - and at 29 I was woefully behind. But that's not the case at all.

 

And I feel like I am on the verge of the most freeing acceptance of my life. But I'm having trouble accepting it because a part of me is still afraid that I just haven't tried hard enough to like sex. Which makes me angry with myself to type and read. Because the other part of me knows that is ridiculous. 

 

I just spent so many years thinking that this was how the world worked. I need to adjust to this new worldview. To keep remembering things from my past in this new context. This thread is really helping. Like many people have commented, I didn't connect with any of those people in high school who talked about sex, and I didn't fully understand the extent to which sexual people experienced sexual attraction. I just thought most of them were like me and a few of them were like, sex-crazy. 

 

It's been so ... disorienting and refreshing and freeing to realize that I was just different. I was me. There's nothing wrong with it. I'm not behind, I'm over here, where sex is something other people do. I'm asexual.

 

I'm so grateful to have found this site and this community.

[GLRDT]

1 hour ago, melisestel said:

And I feel like I am on the verge of the most freeing acceptance of my life. But I'm having trouble accepting it because a part of me is still afraid that I just haven't tried hard enough to like sex. Which makes me angry with myself to type and read.

First of all, Yay newbie welcome! I felt exactly the same way you did when I discovered asexuality and this community. Like exactly, almost word for word. So happy you found this community. I quoted your above sentence because that's the great thing about sexuality. It can be fluid and so you can identify as an asexual now and if you turn out to actually like and desire sex later on, that's okay. Nobody will be mad and no one says you have to stay in one sexual orientation your whole life. So if it makes you feel good and you feel like you relate to asexuality now, then take that label and use it to make sense of things and to feel strong and good about yourself now. You can't live your life for what things might be in the future. Choose to be happy now in however you most identify. There are many types of asexuality on the spectrum and it's a learning journey to figure out where you feel you belong best. Best of luck and welcome again! Glad you're here!

[Tessie]

All through out High School people talked about sex. I knew more about some of my friends' sex lives that anyone who wasn't there should know and I always thought that because I hadn't experienced it that was the reason I didn't quite get the appeal. Or I thought when I fell in love it would be a heady rush of wanting to get closer to them in every way possible including sexually, that I just had a low sex drive or that I had just never been in a position where sex was really an option. I was kinda a bundle of excuses. 

 

It wasn't till, last year, university when I even knew the true definition of asexuality. I always associated it with what I now know to be the definition of both aromantic and asexual mushed together so I couldn't be asexual because I had definitely had romantic feelings for people. My friend and I were teasing each other about relationships (sexual or otherwise), him about his many and me about my next to none, and he said you almost sound asexual and I just couldn't help thinking he was wrong. So looked it up and kinda fell down a rabbit hole I wasn't expecting.

 

I went through a rather short phase of thinking I was demisexual but when I started going out with a boy I loved I realised that I still didn't really have any sexual attraction for him. I don't think I ever really had an adverse reaction or a positive reaction realising that I was asexual it was more of just an "oh okay". And while the people I have come out to are accepting of me and answer the millions of questions I ask about actually felling attraction (I find it rather fascinating) there are people I feel like I can't tell. At this point however I feel rather content with who I am. I look forward to talking to everyone.  

[Alexandmb]

Well... When I (finally) discovered my asexuality I felt relieved but concerned at the same time. I think it's hard to explain to my family and friends the fact that I don't feel sexual attraction at all and basically I don't care about sex. It's more understandable for them if I tell them I'm gay I guess. I'm Asexual/Aromantic, never been in love before and I don't feel that need. 

 

To be honest I was afraid at first glance but I've found communities, videos, documentaries and I'm glad I'm not alone... Well not exactly, Asexuality is practically non existent in my country.

[MakeupJunkie4]

4 minutes ago, Alexandmb said:

Well... When I (finally) discovered my asexuality I felt relieved but concerned at the same time. I think it's hard to explain to my family and friends the fact that I don't feel sexual attraction at all and basically I don't care about sex. It's more understandable for them if I tell them I'm gay I guess. I'm Asexual/Aromantic, never been in love before and I don't feel that need. 

 

To be honest I was afraid at first glance but I've found communities, videos, documentaries and I'm glad I'm not alone... Well not exactly, Asexuality is practically non existent in my country.

Hi and welcome! 😊🍰♠👍 Glad you're here! If you don't mind my asking, what country are you from?

[Alexandmb]

1 minute ago, Jenna444 said:

Hi and welcome! 😊🍰♠👍 Glad you're here! If you don't mind my asking, what country are you from?

Venezuela

[Jose Cruz]

Asexual people usually stay undercover. That is why they appear to be "few" in your country.

 

Anyway, I always knew I wasn't either straight of gay since I was 12. That's because I never felt attraction to either gender. I just ignored this fact for most of my life and I pretended to be straight but now I understand that my sexuality is qualified as asexual. I don't know whether I am romantic or not, I would guess I am heteroromantic though.

[krystal_muzik]

I was relieved to hear about asexuality. I thought there was something wrong with me. I am female and thought I could be gay at one point. But, I don't want women either. Everyone else seems to be so obsessed with sex and to me it just seems boring. I have kissed someone before but I find the act of mouth kissing to be disgusting and suffocating. Maybe I am odd...but that is okay.

[Raven Luni]

Complicated is the best way to put it.  I first became 'aware' when I hit my teens and felt revulsion when my school friends were describing their first 'encounters'.  I even used the term 'celibate' for a while (this would be the start of the 90s and asexuality wasnt heard of).  I did consider myself 'broken' for a while, even remember mentioning that to a gay guy online who tried to 'help me come to terms' (again early 90s and neither of us knew any different).  Lucky to say I managed to explore all possibilities without ever losing my virginity  

Utterly unsurprised would be my personal reaction when asexuality finally became talked about.  As for the need to talk about it, thats only becoming apparent recently (as I mentioned in my initial post).

Edit: actually thats probably not true.  Slight relief at not being alone would be more accurate.

 

[SithAzathoth WinterDragon]

I was talking with a coworker the other night while we were getting our DnD characters made, his sister inlaw was talking about sexual activity when I returned to the table. I ended commenting on how much I'm repulsed at the thought of sex and never having it or wanting it that Dalton said that I'm asexual. I'm glad he knows of it, one of his friends is asexual. 

[daver]

i think it is ok. i am 25 y.o. and i do not want sex

[lace@2]

I am pleased to hear about this group! I am asexual due to a health condition and havent always been asexual. Anyone else in this boat?

[Tintenfeder]

Hello!

I first read about AVEN a few days ago and decided to join. I don't know any other aces, so talking people who really understand is a new experience for me.

Honestly, I'm a bit excited.

[LeChat]

If any asexual needs or wants to hear supportive words from a sexual, (and trans) person, here it is. Other asexuals found it uplifting.

 

https://youtu.be/b5RuU0Iz41M?list=PL7SgbxvTR7N6y2x6g0YZOGRl88XKepxnx

 

[solskin]

I've always felt so... I don't know, kinda like an outsider, because everyone I knew just kept talking about sex all the time, and they were always talking about their sex experiences and stuff, while I just sat back all alone.

I thought that maybe I was just less mature than other people my age, and some people, including my mother, sometimes told me that I was a little childish, so that had to be it, but then one day I happened to stumble upon the term "asexuality" one day on the internet, and when I read about it, all I could think was "this is me! I can actually relate to this!" And it made me so happy because finally, I had a word I could use to describe how I am feeling when it comes to sexual attraction and orientation.

[TheZebDude]

Hello all. Geez, I've never posted on a forum before, so I'm feeling a little bit shy here, but yeah.

 

I've always been a bit of an outsider. In high school when everybody started talking about having sex and kissing and dating and holding hands etc. I just honestly didn't get it. I still don't get it. I know a lot about sex and kissing and what it entails, don't get me wrong (I probably know more than most). I just don't want to do it. I don't even want to hold hands. I don't see the appeal.

 

The first time I heard about asexuality I was in high school. It was in probably the most hilariously bad fan-fic I've ever read, and I think I rolled my eyes at it and moved on. I found the term again in the form of a reference to it in a psychiatry textbook (of all places) that sort-of dismissed it, but I thought it actually seemed to describe me pretty well. Then I found this place, and then I had a (mostly unrelated) breakdown. So there's that. 

 

So here I am. It's been a year since I first thought it might describe me. I'm 24. I've never had a crush. I've never had a date. I've never had sex. I've never held hands with a girl(or a guy) in what I'd say is a remotely romantic way. I've never kissed. I've never thought about having sex with anyone. I've had one dream about sex, and it wasn't a good dream. And you know what? I don't think I'm missing anything in my life. In fact, I think it's just fine.

[Bex.]

I was very very relieved. Before I knew asexuality existed I was worried about having sex, it just was not for me and still isn't. Now I love being ace, although people often don't understand what it means or think I am not a part of the lgbt+ community : (

[Me Too]

Hey all, 

Im a newbie and only came to the realisation (after stumbling across asexual info on the net) last night that i am actually "asexual". This is a profound and welcoming discovering, because for the past 30+ years of adult life (im 48), ive known im different but didnt think there was anyone else out there like me or even a label for it. 

After 3 failed marriages and countless relationships with non-asexual men, I now understand that it wasnt that they were sex maniacs or that i was broken; it was the fact that we were totally incompatable with different desires and needs. I always "performed my wifely/girlfriend sexual duties" because of societies pressure and the expectations of my partner to do these things if you love someone. I always felt nothing. i am actually repulsed by the thought of sex and met this "duty" with much anger and resentmentment. I didnt think i was allowed to have a choice if i wanted to be in a loving long term relationship. My partners always made me feel obligated and made me feel guilty about the pressure in their balls building up causing pain and not really loving them if i didn't perform sexual acts. This constant flux of sexual conflict always led to the destruction of relationships that were functioning perfectly on all other levels.  Sex was the downfall that there was no solution for when one demands it and one is repulsed by it. 

Hence im single again and on a journey of self discovery... learning who i am and what i need and want instead of being dictated to by others. I am not attracted to others, but i do have an asthetic appreciation for the eyes, smiles and hearts of some people. Just like you would admire a beautiful sunset or love your dog for the unconditional love they give you. I do want to be in a relationship again one day, cause i do value the companionship, the emotional and intellectual bond and support you get from a relationship and i do love cuddles and snuggling into my partner naked at night feeling that intamacy and love..but i wish and need for nothing sexual.

Finally with this enlightened understanding of myself and the knowledge im not the only one who feels this way...i have new hope for a happy future and a strength to stand up for my rights. 

Im so glad to be part of this community. Thank you AVEN. 

[Squirrelylovessquirrels]

On 11/24/2012 at 4:58 PM, CBC said:

Yeah I was also pretty naive about how big of a "thing" sex was, so prior to hearing about asexuality I didn't really think too much that there was something extremely different about me. I mean, I'd had a handful of crushes and the idea of them having anything to do with sex simply didn't cross my mind. I sort of assumed (without really thinking about it much at all, though), that that's the way everyone was. Sex and sexuality in general just didn't register on my radar as things that were a part of reality for most people. Sexual intercourse was sort of an abstract concept of something that maybe years down the road, a married and/or committted couple would do for some reason, though I couldn't clearly identify why. I just knew it happened. I certainly could not fathom myself ever taking part in such an activity and assumed, pretty much by default, that I never would. Sex just didn't relate to who I was in any way. And... well, at the risk of sounding antisexual (which, if I'm honest, I was to some degree when I was a teenager), I just thought that anyone who had sex outside of those circumstances (marriage/committment, being 25-30 or older, etc.) was disgusting and creepy and clearly couldn't control themselves. I thought it was horrifying that people my age were doing something like that. (Just being honest here... I've matured since then, though I still have no understanding of why many people do stuff so young. If they're going to, they're going to, and it's better to be safe and responsible about it and not to teach silly concepts like abstinence-only, which most kids won't follow. It still creeps me the hell out, though -- as does the idea that sex is as important to some people as it is. I won't deny being repulsed by it on a mental/emotional level and it still never fails to surprise me that others desire and seem to need it -- and that it's a positive thing to them.)

Anyway, when I first read about asexuality (2004; I was 19), I was intrigued and a bit excited. When I got the opportunity to go to the public library to use a computer and make an account on AVEN (my family didn't have home internet at that time), I remember feeling over the moon. After I joined, I spent a while reading the forums and posted an intro thread. I left the library to go get a cup of tea at the little coffee house a couple blocks away, and I remember almost skipping down the street with a huge grin on my face. I was excited and I loved the idea of having a name for not being interested in sex. I recall trying to think about how I could ask my mum for money to buy one of the t-shirts from the AVEN store, a pink one that said "ineffable" on it, I believe. (Never got that t-shirt, sadly.) But yeah, I was nothing but happy and excited and I wanted to shout it from the rooftops... but somehow figured I had to keep it to myself at the same time.

I feel similarly in that it's nice to have a name for people who don't like sex. I thought I was alone in being repulsed by sex and even questioned whether I was sexual and sex repulsed. It was great to find a community of people like me. I really needed to find a community. As a latina most of the labels assigned to me are not under my control. I am hispanic whether I like it or not. Believe it or not this label feels like something that's finally my own. Independent from my family and my roots and my success in life I can claim an identity that suits me. I am happy i found AVEN because it's at the forefront of human understanding of sexuality. I initially saw this as a curiosity but then realized that I want to try being in a sexless relationship. Although I'm still questioning I think this community of people is beautiful diversity. Like racial diversity and my Latino roots sexual diversity is here to be celebrated as well. 

[Apathetic Echidna]

I must have been around 8 when I declared to the family that I was never having kids and I would marry an 'older man who wears a suit everyday'. This freaked out my family so they were very relieved that after puberty I wasn't pouncing on 30 year old businessmen, it was other people who started mentioning 'high standards' and 'late-bloomer' and encouraging me to 'connect with other people'. I just wasn't interested in connecting beyond platonic friendship. Then there was a TV special many years ago, maybe almost 10 years? on asexuality and it became the thing that was talked about for about a week.  I remember being glued to the TV. I was super fascinated, I identified with most of what they were saying even if the show (if I remember rightly) focused mostly on libido-less asexuals, and romantic orientation didn't get a mention. I went searching for more information and I found this site and a couple of other sources. I remember it being hard to find more information on variants in gray asexuality, so I just adopted gray-a as a personal term to know I was not alone. I didn't have a 'found my people' moment as gray seemed like such an umbrella term for everything not allo or ace. Then I promptly went to do other things more important than labelling my sexual orientation, but now I am back because I want words! and I am very glad information seems much easier to come by this time around.  

[iff]

Welcome @Apathetic Echidna hope you like the forums

[Guest]

Hi everyone. First up, for some reason the profile form won't let me save the information you all have to the left of your avatar, so I am

Gender: female

Location: Sweden

A/sexuality: hetero, and think I am a gray-A

 

My story is probably like some of you and not at all like others. I am nearly 50, never been married, 2 "long term" boyfriends, a few obsessions, lots of one night stands with little pleasure, 1 engagement (now that is a funny story), no kids, and yes, I have cats. I live on a farm so that is my excuse, and I do enjoy sometimes playing with myself. For the most part I am happy to be single. I have solid and fulfilling relationships with many friends, both here in Stockholm and around the globe (I was born in the UK and grew up in Canada, bi-coastal I am, me).

 

I have considered before that it is likely I fit into some category or label related to my, mostly, non-sexual life. I have gone through years of barely any contact with humans, then to being in a 5 year relationship that ended over 3 years ago, since which I have had no desires of any kind except to get the hell outta of Sweden....

 

For a variety of work-related reasons, I am now staying in Sweden. This acceptance of one fate has started me thinking about the path of my life from now on. In the last week I listened to a variety of podcasts about bisexuality, LGBTQ communities, taboos of such things in different cultures; I was attracted to these topics and I found myself wondering once again "where do I fit?", even though I acknowledge that this is somewhat driven by my need to be defined by society.... and this makes me think "pish-posh I don't need any more labels (single, writer, poet, professional, depressive, trichster, white, woman, fat, immigrant...)". But in some ways I do want to know, and that is how I ended up here.

 

I look forward to exploring this community and seeing what comes out the other end (pun intended).

 

[wussa]

For a long time I've subconsciously questioned why I was always so disinterested in sex, romance, relationships, and all that stuff. I assumed I was straight by-default and most likely a late bloomer and left it at that. For awhile I was content with sitting back and watching others get into and out of relationships while brushing off inquiries about my own interest(or disinterest) in other people. My understanding of asexuality was rudimentary at best, and I assumed it meant that you didn't think about how people looked or something to that effect. Since that wasn't the case for me I figured that it didn't apply to me and put it out of my mind. Later, I found the term demisexual and didn't know what it meant, so I looked into it and found many sources discussing the difference between aesthetic and sexual attraction. It was a real 'Aha!' moment for me, and I looked for more information about the ace spectrum because while demisexual rang a bell it wasn't really the right label for me. I've always been pretty fluid when it comes to who I think is aesthetically attractive but I can count the crushes I've had on one hand and I only ever really ever thought about hugging them, if that. Now I identify as asexual (bi/grayaromantic?) and it really took a lot of pressure I didn't even know I was carrying off of my shoulders. As I kept getting older and I continued to remain unattached to anyone it felt like some weird deadline was approaching and after it passed I would be considered weird or messed up somehow. I'm not so worried about the fact that I'm single and decidedly NOT wanting to mingle.

[Spencer Y]

Well, after hearing my sister tell me I'm asexual for the longest time, I finally came in here to look it up. I must say...I've never cried before without making a face, just tears rolling down my cheeks and smiling. So I guess I didn't realize this was a weight on me for 21 years. I feel infinitely more relaxed now, knowing there are other people who feel these things in life.

[Tintenfeder]

Luckily, I've never really had any problems with my lack of sexual orientation, but then again, I'm not even 20 and can claim stress in school or something like that when inquisitive relatives ask after my love life, or rather lack thereof. But I did experience that slight feeling of "being left out" when my friends start talking about people they are attracted to. They even have lists! But all in all, I'm not really bothered and I'm glad about that.

[ghost_writer]

Hi everyone! I just joined today. I read an article online yesterday morning, and something just clicked with me. For years I thought there was something wrong with me, because I've never had a lot of interest in dating, only had one sort-of relationship which was long-distance and we only met twice, and I've never had any interest in having sex. Last year, after someone implied that it was a bit sad I'd got to 38 and not had a meaningful relationship I signed up for online dating, because I wasn't (and am still not) attracted to anyone IRL. It wasn't a nice experience, I felt totally miserable but thought I had to go on dates because I'd get more confident if I did. I went on three dates and didn't enjoy them (freaking out a bit about what would happen if he wanted to kiss me) so decided that wasn't for me. I was at that point seriously thinking I have a dating phobia and I should get some counselling. It's a bit of a relief to realise that I'm not broken and there isn't anything wrong with me. 

[melisestel]

On 20/08/2017 at 11:27 AM, ghost_writer said:

I was at that point seriously thinking I have a dating phobia and I should get some counselling. It's a bit of a relief to realise that I'm not broken and there isn't anything wrong with me. 

Such a relief!

Welcome to AVEN 🍰

For me also it was so wonderful to finally realize that I was just different from the sexual people around me. I didn't have to try to be more like them or want the things they want. It's lovely to be able to just accept and get to know yourself 😊

[katherine-of-earth]

So... I guess I'm making my first posts all out of order. Oh well. 

 

I found out about asexuality about 4 years ago, when I was talking "girl talk" with the people who would become my best friends. When I confessed that I "just didn't get it", one of them (a Demi herself) suggested I might be ace. At first I dismissed it out of hand. I was very conservative back then and thought that it was "Adam and Eve.." etc. (This was due in part to the fact that I couldn't understand how two people could be attracted to each other at all). So, I dismissed asexuality as being a thing for those "silly special snowflake liberals" heh heh. (Now I am a liberal... the universe laughs). But it kept bouncing around in my mind. What if it was a thing... what if I wasn't ever going to "grow up" what if I wasn't just a freak of nature. What if... I did a lot of praying (I'm Catholic) and research and came to the realization that it isn't a sin to call myself by a label that definitely fits. So, I adopted the label. But I was still alone. I have only ever met one person who thought she might be ace too. Then I found the internet aces... and I realized that I'm really actually not alone. That I'm not broken. That there are others who feel the exact same things I do. And I'm so deeply glad. And excited. And thank you all. Thank you for existing. Thank you. 

[ArcticFoxes]

I really struggled with this. I had literally spent a majority of my teen and young adult life trying to be more sexual, and doing a really good job of fooling myself and everyone around me into thinking I was sexual. (I got into so many situations I never wanted to be in, and that was horrible, scary and all wrong). I'm in therapy for having disassociated and repressed to the point of not realising a hell of a lot of feelings, boundaries, needs and desires that I've had for over half my life, and sexuality has been one of the biggest of these things that I was in denial about.

 

So it's been bittersweet. I'm slowly ripping away the image I made of myself to myself and my closest friends and it hurts because I had put a lot of time and effort into trying to be someone I'd be proud of sexually. Bahah.

 

Initially I identified as Grey-ace, but the more I accept it, the lesser and lesser the grey bit seems to get, and my boundaries get tighter and tighter. I'm interested in sex as a concept, philosophically and artistically speaking, but I definitely realise now that the way I see it is not at all how anyone else I know does.

 

Anyway, when I first heard of asexuality, I was so deep in denial I thought, 'that's weird. Who the hell is like that?' ...It's only therapy that's changed it and made me realise I was, too. My husband was more excited for me than I was. I was just angry and despairing for a while, because I'd tried so hard for years for nothing, and there are so many things I will never understand, and accepting that is very hard for me. I'm a bit happier now, but still extremely sensitive about it all.

 

On another note... if anyone has had a similar experience, please message me. I haven't seen anyone else online talk about an experience like mine before and would love to connect with someone that has.