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Lady Girl

I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

1500 posts in this topic

I had read about asexuality before but never really thought about it much until i realized when talking with my brother and realized that, oh my god, when people find other peoples body's attractive they can actually want to have sex with them!? Even if they've only just seen said person walking past in the street!? Like, what?? Yes, I was extremely surprised and tried to ask my friend what sexual attraction feels like... didn't go down great...

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It was weird realizing I was asexual. I must have been 16 in the 6th form library and we started talking about sex and masturbating and girls/boys. Listening to these stories I realized I can’t relate to anybody in the room. I’ve never thought about sex or felt the lust to masturbate or understand the attraction of another person. I mean I knew the details and could joke along.

I spent weeks after this thinking why I didn’t think about these things. These are the conclusions I came to…

  1. My parents never talked about sex. I’m not even sure if they’ve had sex. They love eachother deeply yes but I have no idea.
  2. I’ve always had other things (and still do). My youth was filled with rugby and football and cricket and choir and science and maths and reading. My day was wake up, eat, school, do something, go to bed. To me I never thought to fit masturbation or porn or any of that into this lovely day to day.
  3. I hate going anywhere near down below. I mean wee and poo comes out down there. Unless I have to wash it (which even then reluctant) I keep my hands from anywhere near there as it’s such a filthy place.
  4. It hasn’t hindered my life. I can still interact, play cricket, joke, learn without the need to have sex. I don’t even feel the need to label myself asexual as it really isn’t important.

I hope this helps you get an insight into the mind of one asexual.

P.S the one thing I still dream about is having a child. Knowing I don’t have to have sex to do that is also a nice relief as an ace

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I can definitely relate to that. I had even decided that before I decided to call myself Asexual. That was about accepting that I don't want it and that's okay to me. I felt weird that I never "understood when I was older" the way everyone says you will when you're a child.

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Hi guys - I never even thought to join something like this but I suppose today is the day.  I feel I am still trying to figure myself out.  I'm 33 so now's the time yah? Thank you for being here :)  I have been in a lot of heterosexual relationships and a couple homosexual relationships.  I currently am in a comfortable long term gay (6 year going) relationship with my girlfriend.  In my life I have experienced sexual desire.  VERY infrequently, but it has happened.  Maybe twice/three times and to be honest I recall it being with one specific person.  However I feel I do not need sex in my life..ever. I'm fine and content everyday without it.  I'm a workaholic and a workout-aholic and as long as I can do that everyday I'm fine.  This has been a huge source of struggle and stress for me in my current relationship with a girl I Iove (who just so happens to be VERY sexually needy).. "I'm not a good enough girlfriend, I don't do enough..what else can I do to over-compensate for what she's lacking being with me..."  It's hurts me everyday to know my girlfriend wants more and that I just don't want that.  I never know what to do so I try to do EVERYTHING else for her, etc. I'm aware of this and work on it but I just don't know if maybe there is more to me just not wanting to have sex and if so maybe she needs to find someone who does..  I'm not sure of how to really tell her about this as I don't think she knows there is an orientation called ASEXUAL as it is even still new for me...being one maybe..and..joining only today.  Is anyone else in a situation like me and what have you done/how have you handled?  

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3 hours ago, WithSoda said:

Hi guys - I never even thought to join something like this but I suppose today is the day.  I feel I am still trying to figure myself out.  I'm 33 so now's the time yah? Thank you for being here :)  I have been in a lot of heterosexual relationships and a couple homosexual relationships.  I currently am in a comfortable long term gay (6 year going) relationship with my girlfriend.  In my life I have experienced sexual desire.  VERY infrequently, but it has happened.  Maybe twice/three times and to be honest I recall it being with one specific person.  However I feel I do not need sex in my life..ever. I'm fine and content everyday without it.  I'm a workaholic and a workout-aholic and as long as I can do that everyday I'm fine.  This has been a huge source of struggle and stress for me in my current relationship with a girl I Iove (who just so happens to be VERY sexually needy).. "I'm not a good enough girlfriend, I don't do enough..what else can I do to over-compensate for what she's lacking being with me..."  It's hurts me everyday to know my girlfriend wants more and that I just don't want that.  I never know what to do so I try to do EVERYTHING else for her, etc. I'm aware of this and work on it but I just don't know if maybe there is more to me just not wanting to have sex and if so maybe she needs to find someone who does..  I'm not sure of how to really tell her about this as I don't think she knows there is an orientation called ASEXUAL as it is even still new for me...being one maybe..and..joining only today.  Is anyone else in a situation like me and what have you done/how have you handled?  

I would at least bring up the subject to her and see where she's at. Chances are, she would put two and two together, being with you that long. Good luck and welcome! 👍

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that's why I've accepted the way I am. I'm not going to put myself in that situation anymore. We shouldn't have to feel guilty about our (a)sexuality and people expect that from you in a "normal" relationship.

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I first heard about asexuality when I was around 15. One of my friends came out as asexual and I was relieved to find out I could also relate with many other people like me. 

 

I grew up with little interest for relationships and none for sex at all. I was slightly behind others with learning, socialising and generally growing so I would think "maybe I'll grow into it, I'm too young to care about that now". However, I kept growing up, friends and others around me were getting into relationships and having sex and I still remained the same. I was taught sex education in different years at school, came across porn and had generally had an idea of sex, but the thought of it wasn't at all appealing to me in any way at all.

I'm in a relationship and as lovely as it is, sex (or at least the lack of it) is really a big issue, I hate feeling so under pressure about it :( ) 

 

I've had mostly negative responses from friends, other people in the LGTB+ community and my boyfriend about my asexuality and questioning if it's even "a real thing" which makes it hard for me to come out and tell others about it and I'm still trying to find myself.

 

oh, and my parents still think I'm gay. I personally don't know yet haha

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I found out about asexuality from a very close friend. She mentioned it, I research everything no matter the topic because that's how my brain works :lol: and it opened up a whole world for me. Things started to make sense and I felt like I actually fit and wasn't just messed up. For quite a while I'd avoided looking at any type of relationship, saying I was too busy with grad school (okay, it was half-true), but I didn't know how to deal with relationships with all my confusion that I now know is just normal with being asexual.

 

So I've pretty much determined now that I'm biromantic asexual. There's still a lot that I'm figuring out, especially relating to my upbringing in an evangelical free church and how they taught about and dealt with sexuality. But all of this discovery has been so good and wonderful and I don't feel broken about it anymore. 

 

*eats a piece of cake - red velvet*

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I think I'm in the same boat as a lot of aces here, whereas I thought the whole sexual attraction thing was one big exaggeration. And then I realized all the urges and crazy stuff you see in movies and shows is sort of accurate? Like, people really get 'hot and bothered'?? I had no idea until my mom asked me if I was asexual, and me, still not even sure what that entailed, just said 'idk probably'.

 

And then I researched everything and went 'ohhhh it all makes sense now.' Let me tell you, my mom knowing that a person could identify as ace before me still baffles me LOL. Of course, in high school I knew I wasn't straight. Thought maybe I was pan or bi because I just like pretty people. So asthetically pleasing is very clear to me, and I will often make comments about it. But in the end, there's no sexual desire and I'm really more interested in people who have things in common with me.

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I found out about the asexual community by following night vale on facebook. And for me finding out about the spectrum of asexuality was a happy moment. Before that for a bit though i thought maybe that I was demi sexual. I looked up what it meant after I read it in a fan fiction but it didn't really fit well for me. Learning about asexuality has made me feel more comfortable with myself. It helped take away the guilt for my previous relationship failure cause I am sex repulsed. But I suppose so far the greatest thing I've read and really started me on thinking that there is nothing wrong with not being comfotable with sex and not wanting it at all is "Giving and receiving love is not dependant on what you can or can't do physically. Or what you do or don't want to do. Make sure whoever you give your heart to understands and respects that." 

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Hola! I am tremendously relieved to find this community. I’m a 47 year old male who has known he was “different” since my early teens and who has spent those 30+ years fruitlessly attempting to be “normal.” Most romantic relationships died horrible deaths during that time for reasons I couldn’t explain or would deny away. Many platonic friendships died as well; the number of times friends have said to me “You idiot! Couldn’t you see how much she was into you?” is well over a dozen. Because, no, no I couldn’t. I never picked up on the “more than friendship” vibe. How could I?

 

I’ve been engaged to one woman and married to two others. The first two long-term relationships ended horribly and sex was always a factor. I can’t count the times a partner has asked “What’s wrong?” due to the fact that I’d seem ambivalent about sexual activity, would never initiate contact, and would be distracted and distant during sex. And of course it took forever for me to finish, which caused a fair share of physical discomfort for my partners.

 

And yet all this time I just rationalized it away as nervousness or shyness. Even years into a relationship I figured I was just overly concerned with being a good sexual partner. During the long periods where I didn’t date or attempt to date the terror would sink in. I thought, “Maybe I just haven’t found my thing” and lived in fear of “my thing” being something horrible, something I couldn’t live with. I never considered that not having “a thing” might be a possibility. I’m a guy: we’re overly sexual creatures! Just look at all the media that reinforces that!

 

Naturally, depression has been a constant companion. The struggle to perform on demand led to anxieties that drove the depression deeper. The fear of what I might be drove the depression deeper. I’ve had more “Why me?!” moments than I care to count and, of course, there have been plenty of “I am a freak” moments. I’ve done the therapy thing, but they always focused on getting me to enjoy sex and didn’t quite seem to believe that fantasizing exercises don’t work when you can’t fantasize about sex.

 

About 10 years ago I married a terrific woman with an amazing sex drive and thought, “This is it! Stamina is finally not an issue and I’ll come into my own!” Well, yeah. You can imagine how that turned out. Three years ago it finally hit me that I just did not want sex. Cue another round of denial and rationalizations. I tried explaining it to my wife, but she minimized my feelings by repeatedly pointing out that the equipment works, therefore there can’t possibly be a problem. Sigh…

 

Flash forward to two weeks ago and I’m suicidally depressed and having a massive breakdown. I pulled back from the brink, found another therapist, and told him about it. I was shocked when he took me seriously. I shouldn’t have been, but as I mentioned my previous therapy experiences missed the mark completely.

 

A few days ago I found AVEN and last night I came out to my wife as Asexual. It was a painful talk that will either save or doom our marriage, but for once she did not try to minimize what I felt. Now we have to figure out if we can make this work. 

 

But for the first time in my life I feel “normal,” for a given value of normal. I don’t feel entirely alone. I’m not broken. I’m scared and unsure of what my future holds, but not broken.

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I had heard the term "asexual" a few years ago but I didn't grasp it's true meaning.  I interpreted it as a conscious decision to totally not get involved with anyone in any capacity other than friendship. I even joked and said "I'm sick of men,  I'm going to be asexual!!" (What a little turd I was)... I had no idea back then that I actually fit the criteria of an asexual person (the real definition of asexuality,  that is).  My whole life, I thought it was totally commonplace to never initiate sex,   never really feel horny,  and almost feel violated during the act.  I thought I was just being "reserved" (something I've been called before). Phone/ video sex repulsed me and I never liked when certain body parts were touched.  I basically tolerated sex for the sake of my partner.  Now that I know what I am,  I feel so relieved.  I literally cried when I researched the true definition of an asexual yesterday because now I know how to go forward.  This will almost certainly cause the demise of my current relationship but everyone deserves pressure - free happiness,  including me. 

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Hey all, 

 

like some of you  in this mega long thread I never expected to end up here. 

 

I figured out I was not the same as others when my friends started becoming sexually active in our late teens. While I was happy to giggle over crushes (and I had my share) I'm not capable of thinking or even imagining a relationship, which goes further than cuddling, holding hands and maybe kissing. (Although exchanging saliva isn't my idea of a good time. I mean, it's the start of the digestive system. Why do I want to swap digestive systems with someone!?)

 

I started reading romance novels at the age of 12 and progressed to quite erotic stuff before I was 18. It does not turn me on. Occasionally I felt it might, but I just want the relationships the characters get into, the connection with another human being - I would rather skip the sex bit. Because of my love of romance, I have been told my standards are too high, I should not expect that to be reality. I know that.
 

When I was at uni, I thought that maybe I'm just homosexual and joined the LGBTQ+ community, but never really fit in because it always felt that the general consensus was that as long as you were sexual everything was okay. Not being attracted to anyone wasn't. And I'm not! I can admire someone's eyes or ears or very athletic body, but my mind does not translate that to sexual desire. I've tried considering people as sexual partners and sorry, no.

 

That's when I stared researching alternatives to standard sexualitlies. I'm not sure I'm 100% asexual, but I can so identify with so many of you who have posted their stories here who are. So that's what I'm going for right now.

 

I've only recently started telling people I 'might be' asexual because at 24 it's hard to explain why I'm a virgin. Or why I'm not interested in one night stands or hookups. I've fooled around but it's just made me feel uncomfortable and exposed so it's not gone further. And I wish the world would see that as fine. 

 

The reason I've sought out a community now is that I may be starting a thing with a guy and I'm not sure how to tell him that even if I have sex with him, I won't enjoy it. I don't particularly want to sleep with him. He has kind eyes and a great sense of humour. He makes me laugh and we have great conversations about the world. Our values align and we can have a conversation with a glance. But I know he is sexual and wants more. And it's that more that I don't think I can give him.

 

I want to find a partner who understands and accepts me as I am. Who will be happy to adopt children with me to given them a home and a family. Who will support me and be supported by me no matter what we do and where life takes us. I really want to get married (someday). I'm just fairly certain it's not going to be to this guy.

 

so yeah that was my rant. Pleased to meet you all :)

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Asexuality...

 

Not having to take your cloths off,

for him, to want to stay.

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I'm really happy I found out about asexuality when I was only 15 (so just now-ish), because if I had found out about it when I was like, 20, I would have felt as if I was a weirdo, or not right, or something like that. Feels good to know I'm not the only one who does not want sex (or making out, really). I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels uncomfortable when others talk about sex or making out. It makes me happy to belong. **fireworks!**

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On 6/6/2017 at 6:52 AM, Slartibartfast said:

Hola! I am tremendously relieved to find this community. I’m a 47 year old male who has known he was “different” since my early teens and who has spent those 30+ years fruitlessly attempting to be “normal.” Most romantic relationships died horrible deaths during that time for reasons I couldn’t explain or would deny away. Many platonic friendships died as well; the number of times friends have said to me “You idiot! Couldn’t you see how much she was into you?” is well over a dozen. Because, no, no I couldn’t. I never picked up on the “more than friendship” vibe. How could I?

 

I’ve been engaged to one woman and married to two others. The first two long-term relationships ended horribly and sex was always a factor. I can’t count the times a partner has asked “What’s wrong?” due to the fact that I’d seem ambivalent about sexual activity, would never initiate contact, and would be distracted and distant during sex. And of course it took forever for me to finish, which caused a fair share of physical discomfort for my partners.

 

And yet all this time I just rationalized it away as nervousness or shyness. Even years into a relationship I figured I was just overly concerned with being a good sexual partner. During the long periods where I didn’t date or attempt to date the terror would sink in. I thought, “Maybe I just haven’t found my thing” and lived in fear of “my thing” being something horrible, something I couldn’t live with. I never considered that not having “a thing” might be a possibility. I’m a guy: we’re overly sexual creatures! Just look at all the media that reinforces that!

 

Naturally, depression has been a constant companion. The struggle to perform on demand led to anxieties that drove the depression deeper. The fear of what I might be drove the depression deeper. I’ve had more “Why me?!” moments than I care to count and, of course, there have been plenty of “I am a freak” moments. I’ve done the therapy thing, but they always focused on getting me to enjoy sex and didn’t quite seem to believe that fantasizing exercises don’t work when you can’t fantasize about sex.

 

About 10 years ago I married a terrific woman with an amazing sex drive and thought, “This is it! Stamina is finally not an issue and I’ll come into my own!” Well, yeah. You can imagine how that turned out. Three years ago it finally hit me that I just did not want sex. Cue another round of denial and rationalizations. I tried explaining it to my wife, but she minimized my feelings by repeatedly pointing out that the equipment works, therefore there can’t possibly be a problem. Sigh…

 

Flash forward to two weeks ago and I’m suicidally depressed and having a massive breakdown. I pulled back from the brink, found another therapist, and told him about it. I was shocked when he took me seriously. I shouldn’t have been, but as I mentioned my previous therapy experiences missed the mark completely.

 

A few days ago I found AVEN and last night I came out to my wife as Asexual. It was a painful talk that will either save or doom our marriage, but for once she did not try to minimize what I felt. Now we have to figure out if we can make this work. 

 

But for the first time in my life I feel “normal,” for a given value of normal. I don’t feel entirely alone. I’m not broken. I’m scared and unsure of what my future holds, but not broken.

 

On 6/6/2017 at 0:11 PM, Beebee1989 said:

I had heard the term "asexual" a few years ago but I didn't grasp it's true meaning.  I interpreted it as a conscious decision to totally not get involved with anyone in any capacity other than friendship. I even joked and said "I'm sick of men,  I'm going to be asexual!!" (What a little turd I was)... I had no idea back then that I actually fit the criteria of an asexual person (the real definition of asexuality,  that is).  My whole life, I thought it was totally commonplace to never initiate sex,   never really feel horny,  and almost feel violated during the act.  I thought I was just being "reserved" (something I've been called before). Phone/ video sex repulsed me and I never liked when certain body parts were touched.  I basically tolerated sex for the sake of my partner.  Now that I know what I am,  I feel so relieved.  I literally cried when I researched the true definition of an asexual yesterday because now I know how to go forward.  This will almost certainly cause the demise of my current relationship but everyone deserves pressure - free happiness,  including me. 

 

On 6/6/2017 at 3:39 PM, Eihpos said:

Hey all, 

 

like some of you  in this mega long thread I never expected to end up here. 

 

I figured out I was not the same as others when my friends started becoming sexually active in our late teens. While I was happy to giggle over crushes (and I had my share) I'm not capable of thinking or even imagining a relationship, which goes further than cuddling, holding hands and maybe kissing. (Although exchanging saliva isn't my idea of a good time. I mean, it's the start of the digestive system. Why do I want to swap digestive systems with someone!?)

 

I started reading romance novels at the age of 12 and progressed to quite erotic stuff before I was 18. It does not turn me on. Occasionally I felt it might, but I just want the relationships the characters get into, the connection with another human being - I would rather skip the sex bit. Because of my love of romance, I have been told my standards are too high, I should not expect that to be reality. I know that.
 

When I was at uni, I thought that maybe I'm just homosexual and joined the LGBTQ+ community, but never really fit in because it always felt that the general consensus was that as long as you were sexual everything was okay. Not being attracted to anyone wasn't. And I'm not! I can admire someone's eyes or ears or very athletic body, but my mind does not translate that to sexual desire. I've tried considering people as sexual partners and sorry, no.

 

That's when I stared researching alternatives to standard sexualitlies. I'm not sure I'm 100% asexual, but I can so identify with so many of you who have posted their stories here who are. So that's what I'm going for right now.

 

I've only recently started telling people I 'might be' asexual because at 24 it's hard to explain why I'm a virgin. Or why I'm not interested in one night stands or hookups. I've fooled around but it's just made me feel uncomfortable and exposed so it's not gone further. And I wish the world would see that as fine. 

 

The reason I've sought out a community now is that I may be starting a thing with a guy and I'm not sure how to tell him that even if I have sex with him, I won't enjoy it. I don't particularly want to sleep with him. He has kind eyes and a great sense of humour. He makes me laugh and we have great conversations about the world. Our values align and we can have a conversation with a glance. But I know he is sexual and wants more. And it's that more that I don't think I can give him.

 

I want to find a partner who understands and accepts me as I am. Who will be happy to adopt children with me to given them a home and a family. Who will support me and be supported by me no matter what we do and where life takes us. I really want to get married (someday). I'm just fairly certain it's not going to be to this guy.

 

so yeah that was my rant. Pleased to meet you all :)

 

1 hour ago, CatClawz said:

I'm really happy I found out about asexuality when I was only 15 (so just now-ish), because if I had found out about it when I was like, 20, I would have felt as if I was a weirdo, or not right, or something like that. Feels good to know I'm not the only one who does not want sex (or making out, really). I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels uncomfortable when others talk about sex or making out. It makes me happy to belong. **fireworks!**

Just want to say welcome to you all!! Happy you're here! ♠😊🍰

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Thanks :) That really means a lot!

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My reaction was a little bit different, because I'm still pretty young, so I hadn't even realized I wasn't feeling sexual attraction. I was mostly shocked, like I know we're all unique but I didn't know I'm this unique. So then I freaked out because I just wanted to be "normal". I feel much better after finding this site though because I know I'm not alone:)

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Today has been the best day off my life. I finally understood why I have no interest in sex, after  not understanding why people are so interested in sex or porn, I came across a article talking about Asexual people and I realized , that's me.  Then reading all the other stories on this forum and knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way is amazing. 

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1 minute ago, MeekoTown said:

Today has been the best day off my life. I finally understood why I have no interest in sex, after  not understanding why people are so interested in sex or porn, I came across a article talking about Asexual people and I realized , that's me.  Then reading all the other stories on this forum and knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way is amazing. 

Welcome and :cake:

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19 hours ago, MeekoTown said:

Today has been the best day off my life. I finally understood why I have no interest in sex, after  not understanding why people are so interested in sex or porn, I came across a article talking about Asexual people and I realized , that's me.  Then reading all the other stories on this forum and knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way is amazing. 

Welcome. I totally understand the way you feel. Finally having an explanation for it all is just such a relief! I'm glad you can feel that too.

 

 

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Hello.  My name is Maribeth and I am 36 years old.    Telling you the truth about my journey to asexuality will have the added consequence of revealing me for the uber-nerd that I am.  I was reading Tony Stark fanfiction(because I love my snarky Tony and hate how Marvel keeps mistreating him).  The story I was reading was an introspective look at how being asexual would have impacted him as person given the way he was raised and his public persona.  As I read about Tony sleeping with people when he didn’t really want to due to pressure to be normal and how this impacted his relationships with all the people in his life, I went on the same journey with him.   He just assumed, like I did for all these years, that he was broken, and that there was something wrong with him for not wanting to have sex.  When someone finally gave him literature on asexuality and he read the definitions and different variations, I thought, “Holy crap, that’s me they’re describing on that page! This is totally a thing, and I’m not broken!  Even better, I’m not alone!”  I feel like such weight has been lifted from my shoulders! I wish I had known this when I was younger so I wouldn’t have wasted all of those years sleeping with people when I didn’t actually want to and feeling like my lack of desire was some horrible shameful defect.    

          I had a similar experience as Eihpos when I realized I actually like women and thought joining the LGBT+ community would fix everything.  I thought the root of my problem was that I’d been sleeping with the wrong gender.  Unfortunately, I realized that while I AM romantically attracted to women and I like dating and kissing them, I still find the idea of sex gross and don’t want it. 

I’m the type of person that doesn’t want kids and I’m perfectly happy living alone, which further isolates me from my friends and family who do not see this as a valid lifestyle choice.  I’m a logical person, so understanding cause and effect is very important to me.  Up until this week, I’ve felt like there was some missing variable that I hadn’t discovered and now that all the pieces are in place I feel like I can finally move forward.        

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I don't precisely remember when I started questioning my sexuality, but I do remember when I discovered the term asexual. 

 

Two years ago, I was sitting in my bedroom, in a beanbag at the end of my bed. I was surfing the internet, with all the lights turned off, and I happened to stumble upon the term asexual (I think I was researching LGBT+ topics anyways, as my friends are vastly LGBT+ and I wanted to know more). Whether I was on AVEN, or AVENwiki, or just Google - I don't really know for sure! I am so grateful to have found it, however it may have been. Two years ago, though, I felt less grateful. I didn't experience as much of a "euphoria" as I feel like most people have when they discover a term that fits, although I was blown away that "asexuality" was an actual, real thing that described my experiences to a better extent than anything I had ever come across. Mostly I felt this huge wave of fear. You know, that deep gut-wrenching, dark type of fear? I think this fear happened in part because my own sexuality was never something that was on my radar until that moment, and because while I was happy to have terms describing my experience, I felt that asexuality didn't 110% describe me 110% of the time, like labels were, in my mind, supposed to do. I also felt that "maybe I'm just straight and faking it", or "maybe I haven't met the right people yet." I was a firmly rooted ally at the time, and being an actual member of the LGBT+ community was, and still is, such a huge deal to me. It means so much to me to find correct labels but I'm afraid of claiming them and also scared that after the whole process of questioning I'll "betray" myself and end up being straight (as in, heterosexual and heteroromantic), and that I will have hurt people around me by "pretending" to be asexual. To clarify, I really, really don't think I'm straight, I just am really, really afraid that all of this pain has been for nothing. 

 

To expand a bit on the "my sexuality was never really on my radar," thing, I really just didn't think about it in depth until the moment I learned of asexuality. As a kid, (and still as a teen), I never, ever had crushes on people. In school, my peers liked each other and had little flings, how lots of little kids do, and I just did not care at alllllll. Relationships were usually the "hot gossip", and a huge huge deal to everyone else. Me, though - I basically maintained a state of utter indifference throughout it all. In fact, there were kids that had crushes on ME when I was young, and I did not care at all! I didn't reciprocate, I didn't want to, etc etc etc. You can probably tell what I'm building up to here - I am very, very aromantic! Looking back at this total disinterest in romance that I had (and still have) is what led me to the term "aromantic," as a spring off from my discovery of asexuality. The thing is, I didn't asses my experiences and interest levels in romance (and sex, but I'll explain that all next) until I discovered asexuality and aromanticism, and it was, as you can imagine, overwhelming. Hence the fear, and the sadness, and the desire to be someone other than who I am - all of these emotional things that I still deal with today. Regardless of the bad feelings, and regardless of my sexual orientation, being aromantic is a very strong pillar of my identity. 

 

While being aromantic was easy for me to identify, firmly calling myself asexual is not as easy, and is another reason while I felt so much fear when I tried out the term. I still don't really think I've experienced sexual attraction. There are people that I would have sex with, if they wanted (or, mostly, just being physical, because cuddling would be my preference). I notice hot people. I'm curious about all sorts of stuff. I think, though, that those things fall into other types of attraction, such as sensual or alterous. I don't feel like I've ever had actual sexual attraction - it's never been a concrete physical or mental reaction in response to a person. It's never been that simple. Thus, I fall under the asexual umbrella, but I'm not quite sure where. Another aspect of the whole thing is that I have a super high libido, to the point that it causes my discomfort and regular embarrassment. I actually think that there is something else wrong with it, regardless of my orientation, and I'm considering seeing a sex therapist. I'm young, though, and stressed, and it feels like there'd be huge social drawbacks, and I'm scared - it'd be a huge step in my life that I'm not sure that I am comfortable enough for yet. Either way, I honestly don't think there is a combo of two things that can be as confusing to me as my high libido and potential asexuality. My body is constantly craving what most would consider sexual stimulation, but my mind, my psyche, my soul - literally every other part of me - says, always, a resounding 'NO'. I feel like a walking oxymoron most of the time, and it's super painful. I'm working through it, but it still hurts. 

 

I'm so happy to be here though. Even though I've been in a sort of "constant turmoil" for the past two years, I'm becoming happier and healthier and I feel so good to be finally, finally articulating some of this stuff. I'm not out to anybody except my friends (and sorta-kinda my mom), and most of the stuff I've typed above I have simply never said to anybody else, ever. I'm only one post down on AVEN and it's already been so therapeutic and fulfilling. To be honest, I am probably going to cry as soon as I post this because I just feel so good to get it out. Here's to many more, and thank you all so much for having me! 

 

Cake for everybody <3

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@yally hi and welcome! 😊🍰♠ The high libido might be age related, and because you don't have sexual attraction/interest in engaging with another person IRL, you could still be ace. 😊 I'm sorry it hurts. Cuddling, hugging etc isn't always sexual, so wanting that by itself is pretty common for some aces. I hope you come to accept yourself over time. You're amazing! 😊👍 Once acceptance happens, thriving becomes possible! Glad you're here! 

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Hi folks! I am so very happy to find this community. My whole life I've been told that I'm a prude, I'm frigid, possibly have been molested as a child :( just because I don't get why sex is such a big deal. Finding out that I'm not an alien is a warm and wonderful feeling. Thank you all, and hello :).

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So when i found out, i was in school after a couple of guys had 'crushes' on me over the years but I'd turned them down because i didn't understand what a 'crush' was. People kept asking me why are you so frigid/picky, they're good looking guys etc. and i started doubting myself, wondering if there was actually something wrong with me for not wanting a relationship like everyone else seemed to have. I remember i was talking to a close friend at the time, telling her about it and she said to me well maybe you're just asexual? I'd heard of the term before so i did some research and it was almost like a lightbulb moment as i read about other people's experiences on sites like this and i thought wow that's the same as me! Sometimes i still feel insecure about it and think maybe it would be easier for me to relate to people if i were hetero/homosexual etc. but I'm glad i have a word to describe how i feel and i don't feel as alone anymore :D

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I stumbled across the term asexual in Ash Hardell's ABCs of LGBT+ series (I totally recommend watching it or buying their book with the same title - it's amazing!) and I was just like : whoa... there are other people out there that feel this way??  I had never given much thought to the fact that I didn't experience sexual attraction but once I found out about asexuality it's like everything made sense.  You know, the what? you mean I'm not broken? moment.  It just really feels good to know that you're not alone :)

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On 6/19/2017 at 6:53 AM, 0pal said:

Hi folks! I am so very happy to find this community. My whole life I've been told that I'm a prude, I'm frigid, possibly have been molested as a child :( just because I don't get why sex is such a big deal. Finding out that I'm not an alien is a warm and wonderful feeling. Thank you all, and hello :).

Hi and welcome! So happy you've joined us! 😊👍🍰♠ I'm sorry to hear about the possible abuse 😞 ....I hope in time you can find the answers you're looking for. Again, welcome!

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I'm really struggling with this. My boyfriend of 4 years has a high sex drive and we have weekly fights because I don't try anything on with him. I just can't get turned on by anyone. Sex is boring and something I have to psych myself up for. He says he doesn't feel attractive if I don't want to have sex with him, I've explained that I'm asexual but this is something I have to "fix" to be normal. I do love him, we live together, etc. but I am so tired of the constant fighting, blaming, score keeping ("it's now been 4 weeks since we had sex, that's a new record, even for us!"). How do I make this work? Can I make this work?

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6 hours ago, Chill78 said:

I'm really struggling with this. My boyfriend of 4 years has a high sex drive and we have weekly fights because I don't try anything on with him. I just can't get turned on by anyone. Sex is boring and something I have to psych myself up for. He says he doesn't feel attractive if I don't want to have sex with him, I've explained that I'm asexual but this is something I have to "fix" to be normal. I do love him, we live together, etc. but I am so tired of the constant fighting, blaming, score keeping ("it's now been 4 weeks since we had sex, that's a new record, even for us!"). How do I make this work? Can I make this work?

You might be able to come to some kind of compromise, but both of you will have to accept the fact that it's not what you would ideally prefer. It's difficult, but you might be able to arrange it so you're both happy. 

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