Lady Girl

I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

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I'm very very new here but here's my lil story. So --- I fully accepted myself as ace just under a year ago, and had been questioning for a long time before that. I remember before I understood the term asexual I used to literally be unable to sleep at night worrying about the fact that one day I'd have to have sex because I thought 'everyone ends up having sex' and I remember wishing to just stay away from all humans romantically just so I could stay away from sex, but then being conflicted because I wanted a romantic relationship and didn't want to be alone. I had heard of the term asexual but I had completely the wrong idea about it, so I was convinced I was 'normal' and 'straight', just scared of sex, and that it would work itself out, and I couldn't imagine ever being different. Then one day for some reason I researched asexuality and I remember being like "oh ok wait this sounds like me" but refusing to believe it. I didn't want to be different and everytime I thought about it I felt sick. It was constantly on my mind and deep down I knew what I was, but I still wasn't sure because I still found people attractive. I exposed myself to many situations I now regret, in order to 'test' if I really was asexual, even though I blatantly was. One night, about a year ago I watched a load of youtube videos and everything clicked and I knew straight up that I couldn't deny it anymore and that this label is something I connected with and wanted to use to identify myself. I messaged my two closest friends and told them everything and I cried for hours because I had finally worked myself out (and because it was 6am and I was sleep deprived). Since then I have 'come out' to nearly all my friends and housemates, and I am so proud to be who I am. I now strive for awareness and visibility, because if I had known about this orientation sooner, it may have saved me a lot of difficulty. 

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This is so me. Especially the feeling you had when you first found out you are an asexual:D I felt exactly the same. I wanted to stay as 'straight' and denied to be one of minorities. But now I am also proud and happy of who I am.

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I found out about asexuality a long time ago and never gave it much thought, because I was I think about 14 and while many of my friends had had boyfriends or crushes by then i was also young enough that I could just have been a 'late bloomer'. Over the next few years I became quite confused about my sexuality because I didn't feel like I was straight (having never been remotely attracted to a guy) I was also never attracted to anyone else. So for a while I kept assuming I was straight and I was kind of trying to make myself be attracted to guys?? Like if I knew a guy well and liked him platonically I was kind of trying to convince myself that I wanted more, but I didn't. Then in probably mid to late 2016 I kind of rediscovered asexuality as a concept and started to seriously think about whether it could apply to me. Eventually at the start of this year I properly realised that this was me, this was my identity and honestly it feels amazing. I feel like I've found an identity that really resonates with me. 

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"Wait, there's a term for this? So I'm not the only one?"

 

Was running under the "straight by default" assumption until then. Didn't even really think about my lack of sexual desire (The absence of something always seems less noteworthy than its presence)

Only just recently took note of the term asexual, read up on it, and figured whether and how it (or anything from the ace umbrella) does apply to me. 

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I have known for all my life I was different. An alien.  Not from Mars or Venus. (Maybe we have our own planet?!) Tried dating and found the best relationships I had were the non-sexual ones. Always had a "best friend", sometimes a guy, sometimes a girl. When I don't have that, it is difficult. Unfortunately, because I didn't have the term, asexuel, yet, I was misused by some people. That only punctuated the fact that I was different. I felt less than human. Because I believe in God and have a strong relationship with Him, I have been able to be aware that I was not made to make another person happy, but was made to be all God MADE me to be. I just didn't know how to be me. I have recently delved into the new info out there on asexual existence and am relieved and a little sad at the same time. But I am ready to move ahead. I would like to be in contact with more people from my home planet. 

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Oh man, I was so relieved! My best friend was the only other person who shared my sentiments about being generally uninterested in sex. As someone who enjoys romantic gestures (cuddling, hand holding, kissing, etc), I felt like I was sending the wrong signals to my significant others, but I didn't know how else to explain my disinterest in sex. Asexuality showed me that there were others like me, and when I discovered demisexuality, it gave me a term for the way I've felt all my life. From people telling me I'm just a late bloomer and I'll "grow out of" my disinterest, to people telling me I'm a tease or a prude, I've always felt guilt and shame in the way I am. I'm not a proper ace in the sense that I do have sexual urges, but I also have no interest in or urge to have sex with strangers or with people I'm not emotionally invested in. I'm grateful to have found a community of people who feel the same as I do, and I can't describe how relieved I am that there's nothing inherently wrong with me. 

 

That being said, online dating has been incredibly frustrating. I use mainly bumble and OKC, and while I've been very upfront about my sexuality, I still find the people I meet to be disappointed or uninterested in me because of it. I feel a lot of anxiety about meeting people from online dating sites because it seems they want sex way sooner than I could offer it. And just like there's no shame in people consenting to sex early on in their relationships, whether from dating sites or not, there should be no shame in me preferring to keep it non-sexual for as long as I need.

 

Though I've felt a lot of frustration because of these things, I'm still hopeful. I wish there could be an online dating site for people on the ace spectrum. It would be a huge help and make me feel way more comfortable talking to strangers. In any case, I'm glad I've had the opportunity to be more comfortable with who I am by discovering the ace community. ^^

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22 hours ago, absolutelyme said:

I wish there could be an online dating site for people on the ace spectrum. It would be a huge help and make me feel way more comfortable talking to strangers.

Have you tried acebook.com? I've not used it myself, but apparently it's quite a good dating site for asexuality looking for a relationship.

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8 hours ago, Asexy Mel said:

Have you tried acebook.com? I've not used it myself, but apparently it's quite a good dating site for asexuality looking for a relationship.

I poked around the asexual dating site thread and people said it's not really worth it? I guess I should try it out anyway, haha. Thank you for the tip.

 

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1 minute ago, absolutelyme said:

I poked around the asexual dating site thread and people said it's not really worth it? I guess I should try it out anyway, haha. Thank you for the tip.

 

There's also a whole thread dedicated to that topic! :)

 

I have no idea how good all of them are, but there's definitely various options out there if acebook doesn't have that many people in your area. Give it a look if you're looking for a relationship! :)

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Very new here. It was really only in the past week that, for whatever reason, I started seriously reading about asexuality online and watching various Youtube videos. I'm pretty sure it took only a few minutes for that proverbial lightbulb to go off in my head! It was so difficult to tear myself away from the computer because I just wanted to keep reading and watching. Everything made sense all of a sudden! Eventually I did go to bed, but the next morning I woke up with a huge smile and I felt elated and so full of lightness. For a long time I've identified as queer, a lesbian, but not really dating because while I wanted a romantic partner, I couldn't imagine wanting to have sex  again and just assumed/was worried that would be a problem no matter what. (I did have sex when I was a teenager, because it seemed like it was something everyone did and I remember I couldn't wait to just get it over with so I didn't have to worry about it "someday" happening, and I never understood why people raved about it!) Something always felt missing and there was always a part of me that felt uncomfortable with that identity, like it was somewhat or mostly correct but not quite. Now I know that's so true, and I'm so relieved! For me there was really nothing but joy and comfort in realizing I am asexual, like I finally understand myself. Outside of joining AVEN today, I haven't actually talked about my asexuality with anyone. Right now it's so new to me that I want to enjoy this new understanding, or new wholeness I feel, by myself for a bit (aside from talking to other aces here).

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I, as s new ace, have been hiding behind societies standards for over 2 years. I have tried to convince myself I was like all others, by dating girls and of course have sex. All my friends talk about it, and how good it was, but I never felt the desire to try it out. Though I have tried it, it never clicked well with me, and I felt disgusted about what I was doing. I never until recently started reading about asexuality, and how it was defined. When I did I matched my on point, and what a relief to finally move the rock that has been holding me down, for 2 or 3 years, since I started realising I was different 

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Hi there! Brand new to all this. A few days ago I discovered (through online research and knowing myself) that the term for me is "heteroromantic asexual". I can't even describe what relief a simple Google definition brought me. What you said, broken and weird. I've had (mostly bad) sexual experiences but I didn't feel the way everyone seemed to think I SHOULD. Mainly when it was over I just felt dirty and guilty and used and (at times) suicidal.

 

Figuring out my sexuality is, in my opinion, a HUGE step in the right direction. I've been watching all the media uproar over LGBTQI rights, and don't get me wrong -- I think it's GREAT!!! Most of my good friends do not ascribe to the "straight" label, and for years I wondered if maybe I myself were lesbian, bi, or trans at heart. But none of those things felt quite right to me.

 

I'm so glad I've found this site. Yes it's brand new to me, but so far I'm getting a great vibe from it. People on chat are so friendly, and the few threads I've thumbed through were very informative, helpful, and best of all - JUDGMENT FREE!!! 

 

I broke up with a very immature mentally unstable young man two weeks ago. I'd been willing to overlook his imperfections, until I realized he had no intentions of seeking professional help. Here's the kicker: he wants to be a psychiatrist! HA! In my opinion, the best psychiatrists are those who have wrestled with their sanity and OVERCOME their obstacles. That ex seems content to try to buy a woman's love with cheap gifts she doesn't even like, then attack her when she rejects him. Good riddance, Norman Bates!!!

 

Now I'm enjoying the single life, and I plan to stay that way until I meet another heteroromantic asexual like me, who enjoys similar things but mostly doesn't care about sex. I don't want any more traumatic experiences or unpleasant memories. This is MY body, NOBODY can guilt or manipulate me into sex -- not anymore!

 

I feel like a new woman. THANK YOU to everyone who made this site so popular that I found it off Google! ^_^

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Many warm welcomes to AVEN, everyone!!! :cake: Thank you all for sharing your stories with us! : )) I hope you enjoy being members!!!

 

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Honetly still kinda confused 😬. For years I have said I was straight, but then I actually got involved with a guy. I love cuddling with him. Kissing isn't bad. Sex doesn't really do anything for me 😒. And you're telling me that this is just as normal as being gay or straight? Is there any way to actually tell, or is it just a personal thing. Also, how do I tell my guy? 😳

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I've been Married to an Asexual for 26 years. We didn't know for years that's what he was, by then it was too late, we had 2 kids. We bought a fixer upper house immediately after the Wedding, so that was the 1st excuse, then we started our own Business, 15 hour Work Days, 2nd excuse. 5 years later, Sex maybe 5 times"forced on my part", 2 kids Amazingly. So, for the next 15 years I went through so many emotions, is he gay, is he cheating, does he see Prostitutes? I went through depression, I started drinking. It got bad for a few years. I snapped out of it.  Once the kids started driving and became independent, I told him I was done. He begged to help him understand why he's like that. I researched til I figured it out. He's Asexual, he agrees. It can't be fixed. I'm living with it for now. Lucky, I was responsible for my own orgasm before I met him, and I've only gotten better, so I'll be fine.  Besides the lack of  Sex, kissing, touching, holding hands, really any intimacy at all. We have a good relationship, we get along, no arguing. He works hard and I do what I want. I Travel.......... Alone, I've been all over the Country, I drive. I take several road trips a year, and he never says anything. He has his own hobbies that keep him busy. He's Happy. We've had sex maybe 3 times in 15-20 years. I just get lonely for attention, he gives me none. He wonders why I'm always planning my next trip........hmmmm

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Not sure if I'm asexual or just celibate, but I've been lurking the forums for a bit, and you all seem like a very friendly bunch. I look forward to learning more along with all of you!

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On 12/11/2012 at 3:41 AM, CirithHalfmoon said:

I have to admit that I'm the opposite of relieved. I'm so afraid that being asexual means that I'll always be alone; that no one will love me if I won't have sex. Please someone tell me that I'm not unlovable. I don't want to be alone anymore.

My mom is afraid of this for me and I was never worried about it until my mom got it in my head. you are lovable! There are asexual dating websites out there that you could check out and there are other ways to love someone other than having sex with them! Most importantly, love yourself!  That comes first before everything! I've struggled with that for a long time (not because I'm ace) and I finally just said, f*** it, I am who I am, and other t of 7 billion people, someone's gotta love me for who I am! 

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Welcome to AVEN, everyone!! :cake: I wish you all the best and hope you'll enjoy being members here! : ))

 

On 3/4/2017 at 11:44 PM, oddmanout said:

Honetly still kinda confused 😬. For years I have said I was straight, but then I actually got involved with a guy. I love cuddling with him. Kissing isn't bad. Sex doesn't really do anything for me 😒. And you're telling me that this is just as normal as being gay or straight? Is there any way to actually tell, or is it just a personal thing. Also, how do I tell my guy? 😳

Take your time exploring the site. Maybe the Asexual Relationships part of the forum might help? It's different for everyone when it comes to telling someone about your sexuality...it comes down to what you're comfortable with doing and saying. And yes, asexuality is an orientation just like any other, only you don't desire partnered sex (but you can still be romantically or aesthetically etc. attracted to people of various genders). So if that seems to fit, then you may be asexual. Best wishes!

 

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This is all pretty new to me. I’m kind of oblivious, so a few months ago, a friend had to inform me that I’m asexual. I had heard the term before but for whatever reason it hadn’t occurred to me that being grossed out by sex and having zero interest in romantic relationships could mean that that’s what I am. When my friend suggested this, I had a dramatic gears clicking into place moment complete with flashbacks. I vividly remembered being around 12 and asking my mom what it meant if I wasn’t interested in anybody, and then just last year being dragged to a particularly raunchy production of Rocky Horror and feeling absolutely mortified. I think I just replied with "oh" because I didn't know what else to say. At first the predominant feeling I had was embarrassment that it had taken me this long to figure out something that in retrospect should have been obvious. After that wore off I was pretty thrilled to know that there’s a word for what I am, and the more I’ve read the more I’ve been able to pin it down. Lurking in the forums here and poking around on tumblr has been really helpful and I feel like I’m not arguing with myself in my head anymore about whether or not this is really what I am. I’m happier knowing than not knowing for sure, but it does make dealing with the future more daunting. I’m not looking forward to breaking the news to my parents. I tried to tell my mom recently and it didn’t go well. I know my friends would be supportive but I'm pretty useless with emotional stuff and get too nervous every time I try to bring it up.

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I am only in week 2 of identifying as demisexual. There was panic, delight, thoughts of "Nah, this isn't real. Is it real? That's me. But is that me?" I'm still asking myself the questions, and I've only outright told my older sister about it. I tweeted about it, so I'm guessing my younger sister saw, but I've no urge to say, "So about my coming out as demisexual..." It is what it is.

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I've struggled to come to terms with not having a sexuality, people thought i was gay, i knew i was straight but wanted more of a passive resistant role when it came to sex. I stumbled onto this site about 7 years ago and found myself flourishing in chatter with people in chat throughout my puberty i just never thought of it, i just kept talking and talking and hearing from people i just need to get laid. Well here i am back to the forums i feel warm and fuzzy to rejoin as this search for finding someone is minimal to none; i obviously don't expect anything to happen on a website but i'm relieved i can talk to and communicate with people i see as kindred spirits in the lonely walk in an overly sex crazed world. I hope to make some friends and maybe get myself to a meet up. I identify as asexual hetero romantic  (though i wouldn't mind swinging the other way) and i'm proud to say i'm happy to be back lurking, helping and making acquaintances with all you like minded folk. :)

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This could turn into a looooong post, so for the sake of brevity, I will try to do the Reader's Digest thing :) 

 

I just turned 54 on February 5th. For most of my adult life the closest word known to me, insofar as a descriptive of my sexuality, was "frigid". It is an ugly word. A demoralizing word. Wanting to be *not* that, I married and learned to fake sexual interaction for over 10 years until, as they say, "the jig was up" and I just could not do it anymore. I'm pretty sure that  -as my ex tearfully confessed his affair and desire for a divorce- the overriding inner emotion I should have felt should not have been relief at not having to do the "sex thing" anymore, yet I did love him and knew that I would miss the intimacy (as opposed to sex) parts of our marriage. Years passed, and I came across an article while reading the Huffington Post that dealt with this thing being called "Asexuality". Well, you could've knocked me over with a feather! I immediately opened another window and went a little google-crazy...it was like I was parched and could not get enough water. I found Aven and joined in 2014, but I never even signed in once, though I read virtually every thread going. This site answered so many questions and gave me the time to fully explore just exactly who I was (and am), as well as what terms fit me. Cut to today, when I have actually began to post and engage in this venue, no longer as a "frigid", but as a confident and unapologetic asexual woman, who is demiromantic/romantic and mostly hetero in leanings.

I owe this to Aven, and to the people here who by just posting let me know that I was not alone, and that there is nothing "wrong" with me.

 

Thank you. Thank you so much.

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I once read that sexuality is a spectrum, but I never thought there could be people completely off it.

I heard the term 'asexual' about a year ago and instantly felt that was me, but anyone I discussed this with laughed and told me I'm 'not a plant'. My dad told me that I was just still too young to feel sexual attraction (at 16). I tried to have a normal relationship but quickly broke it off when I realised I had feelings for him no more than I would a brother. For a long while I attributed my equal feelings for female and male as bisexuality, but I think I'm starting to accept that I'm never going to feel sexual attraction :|

first reaction : relief 

second reaction: what's wrong with my brain?! Is there a fixable chemical imbalance? 

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4 hours ago, Jane99 said:

I once read that sexuality is a spectrum, but I never thought there could be people completely off it.

I heard the term 'asexual' about a year ago and instantly felt that was me, but anyone I discussed this with laughed and told me I'm 'not a plant'. My dad told me that I was just still too young to feel sexual attraction (at 16). I tried to have a normal relationship but quickly broke it off when I realised I had feelings for him no more than I would a brother. For a long while I attributed my equal feelings for female and male as bisexuality, but I think I'm starting to accept that I'm never going to feel sexual attraction :|

first reaction : relief 

second reaction: what's wrong with my brain?! Is there a fixable chemical imbalance? 

Lots of plants have sex!

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I was actually in a relationship with sexual at the time (we are actually still together, though we still have a lot of kinks to work out). We were struggling a lot, arguing about sex a lot. He had a very high sex drive and when we first got together, we had sex quite often. As time went on, our sex life faded. I just... didn't want it. Looking back now, I honestly don't think I ever really did. I was frustrated with myself. I couldn't understand why was like this. I saw how it affected him, how insecure it made him. It was a very difficult time.

 

Then, one day as I was just scrolling through Facebook I came across a video about asexuality. I had heard the term before but never really understood it. I thought asexuality was for people who didn't want any sort of a relationship and that definitely wasn't me. I was heterosexual and craved a romance with my own knight in shining armour; I couldn't possibly be asexual... Could I?

 

As I watched this video, listening to these people who identified as asexual share their own stories, I started seeing how similar I felt to how they explained themselves. While many people find this revelation of asexuality a happy moment in their life, I was devastated.

 

I sat in silence, crying as my mind raced. I started thinking about my past experiences with sex. I was pretty experienced, so there was no way this could possibly be me.  Desperate to prove to myself that I WASN'T asexual, I found AVEN. I read everything I could on their site, all the information about asexuality they had. It became quite clear to me I was asexual, even though in the moment I would have given anything to change it.

 

All my past sexual encounters were always about making someone else happen. I never enjoyed it, never personally got anything from the act of sex in itself. My mind often wandered during intimate moments and much of my sexual interactions were mostly faked on my end. I wanted a relationship, I just didn't want sex.

 

I barely slept that night, so afraid I was about to lose my best friend, my world. I spent a few days feeling disconnected from the world, my mind constantly on how I was going to talk to my boyfriend about it.

 

When we finally had the discussion, it was very difficult for both of us. I was trying to explain something to him that I didn't even fully understand myself. He didn't want a sexless relationship so we discussed trying to comprise.

 

While we still struggle every day to figure out how to make things work so that we are both happy, overall the discovery did help. I still have my bad days, wishing I could be a sexual, but I'm slowly coming into this more and more. I'm good days, I'm very proud of who I am and how far I've come.

 

It's an ever-changing time of discovery. I'm only a few months into this world and I still have a long way to go. The first time I knew I was asexual, it felt like my life was over, but I am working towards being able to be open and proud of who I am. I still have a long ways to go and am glad I was able to find this site with such an amazing support system.

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Figuring out I was asexual was pretty confusing. I was attracted to females when I was younger and as I went through my teenage years, I became less sexually attracted to anyone. Recently I've been sat here confused because if I'm not sexually attracted to someone then how can I know if I'm aromantic or homoromantic? I've been single for 5 years and I'm beginning to think I'm more aromantic even though I long for a relationship. I'm just never interested enough in real life.

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I just had my revelation 2 days ago. So I'm still not sure how I really feel about this yet.... I do know, that a part of me (as always) wants to find that special someone, however now I feel my slim chances have been cut in half... Part of me is relieved, to know why exactly the few past relationships never worked... I was told by a s/o I should see a Dr because I never wanted to have sex.... Which then my mind starts racing thinking something is wrong with me medically... Pretty much all over the place right now, not sure really how to go about ever finding someone like me, but same time I'm glad I figured myself out.:blink:

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Umm, so im new to all of this and still exploring the subject just to be sure, but i will admit that the first time i heard the term asexual and what it was it felt like i was holding my breath for all my life and i had finally exhailed. Im still want a meaningful emotinal connection but i had such a feeling of relief when i first "tried the name on" so to speak. 

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Hi! I'm brand new here. Trying to figure out where I fit in. I don't really know. I'm feeling really confused about sexuality right now and overwhelmed with trying to figure out where to start. I keep trying to be in sexual relationships but I don't actually enjoy the sexual parts of these relationships which keeps leading to failure. That, and my inability to really articulate what I'm feeling/thinking. I've known about asexuality for a while but I maybe have been in denial about my own sexuality. I know asexuality is just a normal part of the human sexual spectrum. That should make me feel good. I want to be happy to have an answer to my "problems". But right now I feel completely devastated. I know I want to be in a relationship, and have the intimacy of a monogamous healthy relationship and I know that asexuals CAN have these things too. I just can't see it for myself. Dating is already so hard with so few people I've ever felt connected to, I just can't imagine how small the dating pool for asexuals must be. 

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