I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[ZeeAsex]

After discovering all of this a few days ago, I feel like my life is ruined. Sorry to throw such a downer on this.

I kind of feel the same way.... although I am relived that I now know why I've felt the way I have...because I'm asexual. To me it's kind of a hard thing to make peace with

After discovering all of this a few days ago, I feel like my life is ruined. Sorry to throw such a downer on this.

I kind of feel the same way.... although I am relived that I now know why I've felt the way I have...because I'm asexual. To me it's kind of a hard thing to make peace with

Aww, I feel sadness that others find sadness in their new discovery of self, I understand but I think it gives a new lease on the life you can now recreate for your new evolution. Some you will lose, some you will gain along your route through life as with all things this is just another part of your cycle, embrace it with love and a smiling spirit...

[unusualmermaid]

I think I'm really at the rare beginning of finding out about my Asexuality and I am kind of happy and relieved but the complications that come with this sexuality also frighten me somehow. I am not interested in sex but I still want a romantic relationship with someone, so I'm scared I won't find someone who is okay with me not beeing interested in sex.

I still feel weird/kinda like a freak, because it's not as typical as heterosexuality for example.

But I am super sure I'm ready to learn how to deal with my sexuality openly. Beofre... now.. I always lied to my partners in relationships and searched for excuses why I don't want to have sex so often or I just acted like it would be fun to me, even though I didn't enjoy it at all. I don't want to do that anymore, but as I said it scares me taking my mask off and being honest to the people I love.

So I'm really happy to be able to talk about that here ^_^

[AlwaysBeenAsexual]

Hello, I'm from Fredericton, I would love a meetup with a group of like minded people I was beginning to think I was the only one around here. Anyone in my life that knows my stance can't understand it and even go to the extent of making up reasons in their own minds in order to justify it to themselves, they just can't seem to rap their heads around the fact that I don't like or want sex and never have or that I wouldn't care if I ever had sex again and would really prefer if I never did. They all figure there is something wrong with me or that there is something I am not telling them like for instance being gay and afraid to come out. These are not the cases, I am simply me and I don't like or want sex. Yes I'm like the majority of humans and get urges once in awhile and sometimes often, but this is not a tipping factor in my case. Sex and the idea of sex turns me off. quality time and communication, effort, comfort, trust, security, empathy, compassion, patience and companionship are a major turn on for me. lol Not that anyone asked, but I have been looking forever and it doesn't seem their are many others out their nor do these threads seem to be ongoing, so I figure this might answer a few questions about me in advance. :) Take care and hope to hear from you all. P.S. I would love to obtain a female friend or two that are like minded so that I may have a friend who gets it! I would also like to meet male asexuals as I would love to grow old with someone that I can fall in love with, knowing one of us isn't going to be worried about sex, whether it be having to give it or not getting it. I go to church so if that offends anyone or if you have something against me going you need not respond. I believe in and love God. I am a spiritual person who continues to seek growth and wisdom. I won't judge others so I do not wish my faith judged either. Thanks for reading and I hope this isn't too much to expect or too forward for anyone.

[Alex_I]

Hey everyone. I'm Alex, 31, and I've been asexual for a looooong time. I am what the Internet calls a wizard, actually ) I have to say that for me it's mostly a blessing and I can absolutely accept myself like that, now that I realize how many mistakes I managed to avoid. lol, sorry, I didn't mean to harm anyone, I really feel this way!

This is the first time I'm on this forum, and I'm here cause I still have some relevant unresolved.... situations let's say. Don't we all?....

Cheers. Alex.

[UndeadWeapon]

I was never actually bothered by lack of sexual desire (to the point where I felt a little smug when I heard college classmates moaning about not getting enough - it sounded like a lot of mess and pointless drama to me so I was happy I didn't have to worry about it :P), so I always suspected I was asexual, or at least not as sexual as other people. I didn't realise it was actually a real thing until recently.

I felt the same as when I found out I had Asperger's - it explained a hell of a lot about certain things that happened in the past. It was like another piece of the puzzle slotting into place.

What brought me here was actually more to do with problems in romantic relationships. I don't feel a huge desire to have one at all - only on those rare occasions I find someone attractive, especially if it's mutual (I'm basically a socially awkward hermit/loner, though I do have some great friends and family), but the ones I have had have made me feel generally horrible and I tend to end up feeling quite dysfunctional. After I ended my last relationship, I was more determined to find out why I felt the way I did - it was 'normal for me' but nobody else seemed to grasp exactly how I felt.

[VikitaGrey]

It's so awkward to be new. . .but tho?

[IcyHelix]

I'm just now realizing my grey-asexuality towards the end of my college career. In the past with my boyfriends I was very indifferent to most aspects of the relationship. It was definitely a struggle since the guys I tend to attract are very romantic/sensual type men and I just don't want anything to with that. When I was in high school I always thought that maybe the attraction would come after getting to know the guy better, but it never did. So I ended up calling off many relationships and I feel really guilty about it because I feel like I wasted their time. :( In the off chance where I had a crush on a guy, sex rarely entered my brain.

For me, discovering the asexual spectrum has been relieving since I know that I'm not the only who feels like that. I'm trying to figure out if I might be grey-romantic as well since I realize I am extremely indifferent to being in a romantic relationship in most cases. However I do have a bit of apprehension as well, since I know that occasionally I do want a relationship. My apprehension comes from the fear that a man I get into a relationship with won't understand my sexual orientation. I've had a man get aggressive with me before for not wanting to have sex with him (this is before I even knew what asexuality was) and that incident has always been in the back of my mind.

[GlassLotus]

I don't know when I first learned about asexuality but when I put two and two together in my head and realized I was I was just kind of like "that... makes a heck of a lot of sense, but I guess it really doesn't change the relationship I'm in now." So aside from naming my unequal libido in comparison to my bf it didn't really change much nor cause me any unhappiness. Although it does tax my relationship a bit.

[arielmidwestus]

I was relieved to find out about asexuality a few years ago. I'm super social and outgoing, but the acts in the bedroom have always been foreign to me. I always dated very sexually forward men, so it obviously didn't last long after the honeymoon phase wore off and they realized I had no interest, thought or desire to initiate sexual contact of any kind. I consider myself heteroromantic and I have successfully lived with my heterosexual partner for 4 years now. I was open with him from the beginning about what I thought was just nonexistent libido and he was fine with that and after finding and reading on AVEN it's a lot easier to know that I am not alone. I know my close friends think our relationship is weird with minimal sexual contact, but are believers seeing how we have been dating for over 5 years and are now engaged.

[MomentsWrath]

I'm new here, just wanted to say hello. I'm 26, but I'm really just starting to finally figure things out. I am very excited to find this community, because it's really the first indication I've had that maybe there's not something wrong with me after all. I guess I've always felt like there was a problem with me, because everything in the world seems to revolve around sex and relationships, and I've never been interested in either. It's a huge relief for me to realize that there are other people like me out here.

[kelico]

Warm welcomes to AVEN, everyone! :cake: Thank you all for sharing your stories with us! I hope you enjoy being members. : )

[Shazzea]

Hi! New here (as you'd have guessed by now).

I only found out about asexuality about 2~3 weeks ago and I am really glad that I discovered it. Before that, I called myself bisexual because I wasn't particularly attracted to either genders so I identified as bisexual as a process of elimination type thing. I wasn't really interested in sex but I just thought that I would be eventually. But the label never really felt right, you know? So, one day I randomly searched bisexuality on the internet and discovered that there was a whole lot about sexuality that I didn't know. I first thought that there was no way that I could be asexual due because I had a lot of misconceptions about the term but, the more that I looked into it, the more sense it made and the more boxes I could tick off in my head. I looked back on several moments during high school and everything started to fall into place. Asexuality just simply fits me so perfectly and it's nice to not have to worry about my lack of interestest in sex. I'm very glad that I discovered the term because I am much more comfortable with myself now. It really is a nice feeling to finally find 'the label'~

[Eligrace52]

 I always assumed I was allosexual (zsexual?) because I could enjoy sex and it wasn't awful. In fact with one or two partners in particular I've even enjoyed it. But then a couple of weeks ago I had the realization that a lot of my pursuing sex has been because I feel like I am supposed to. Especially being queer and trans I've felt like I'm only valid if I am having sex, and a lot of it. So, I've had a ton of sex I wasn't into. I also realized that I've only legitimately felt attraction to two people and for each of those it was contingent on how close our emotional connection was. I had also thought I was aromantic because I wasn't interested in some part of traditional relationships. But I think I was confusing my romantic and sexual attraction. 

 

All this being said, I was happy to figure this out. But also really terrified. If I am not actually sexually attracted to people, what does that mean for all the sex I have had. How is my asexuality valid if I have had sex? If I come out will people believe me? I am still working to figure all of this out. But it feels good to realize that I don't have to have sex ever again if I don't want. And that it is ok that I don't look at people and think that they would be sexually desirable. I want to come out because realizing this finally feels like I figured it out, but I am still scared. 

[Krakennicole]

When I realized, it was after a great deal of pondering over a conversation with my mom: What to do to prepare for the first time you have sex.

Ignoring the fact that it's a really weird conversation to have with your mother, I realized how repulsive I found the concept to be. I had never considered it before, since I have always been "attracted" to people. Well, it turns out that this attraction was always aesthetic appeal. I found people to be aesthetically appealing just as one can find a flower or a cat aesthetically appealing. 

I first came out to my best friend, who responded with "OK." It was such a relief that he didn't care about what I was. I then came out to my mother who was... less supportive. She thinks that it's a disorder or something and refuted my claim. I decided not to talk with her about it anymore. I didn't have the energy to explain that it was just a sexual orientation. 

A lot of people seem to have the misconception that asexual=aromantic. And I'm getting a little tired of giving the whole "this is how they're different" speech. Is this normal? Should I just get used to doing that?

[LadyLor]

When I first head of asexuality my first thought was "That's a thing?". But as I did more research on the topic (and eventually found AVEN) I begain to think I might be able to identify as an ace.

It took me of self reflexion to determine if the term "gray-ace" fit for me. But once I remembered that during puberty I had nightmares of a dick pounding a vagina (with out seeing any porn btw) I decided that I could identify as a gray-ace.

*Note: I am now more comfortable with sex though too _/\••/\_

[stella2]

Bhr

[JaneEyre]

A little lost, definitely confused. Long but worth the read.

A little background of myself:
I am a sophomore college student living in the hyper-sexualized society of regular college students. I am in the midst of the crazy hookup/one-night-stand culture that I quickly found out (when I was a freshman) that it wasn't the lifestyle for me. I view myself as a romantic, who get very emotionally attached to people. Even since I became sexual active, I always placed sex on a pedestal and viewed it as the ultimate personal/intimate experience that can possibly be shared with someone (I have a tendency of over-romanticizing everything, but more on that later). Since I have been in college, I have found it extremely difficult finding someone who doesn't just want to have sex... something a little more stable/real. I had a boyfriend in high school for a year and we both lost our virginities to each other (lol) and I never really enjoyed our sex. I always blamed it on the lack of experience, the lack of exploration (on both our parts), the lack of reciprocation (on his part), and the overarching reason of we simply had a shallow, atypical high school relationship. Coming to college where casual sex was "the norm", I decided to try it out once for myself. I didn't enjoy the sex and I believed the reason was because it lacked that emotion and passion that I have been craving...

I visited this site a couple months ago and read a couple FAQs/and definition of asexuality and started to realize that I felt a lot of what was being said. For those past months I have tried to talk to my friends about it. One, of my friends who use to have casual sex said that she wants to "go" asexual for the semester because she is sick of guys passing around girls. After trying to tell her multiple times that you can't just say you're a sexuality to avoid the unfortunate social consequences of hookup culture. I tried to explain how she experiences sexual desire for guys while that aspect is missing for me. She blew it off and would criticize me whenever I would comment anything on a guy e.g. Me: Wow, he's a good looking guy, Her: See! How can you say you're asexual?? She made belittled my feelings when she would do that so I just dropped it. My next friend that I talked to was my roommate, my best friend, confidant, and more educated on sexuality than my previous friend. After talking to her and saying how I think I am asexual but unsure if I am and its very possible that I haven't met the right guy, she immediately agreed with the latter (that I haven't met the right person that makes me feel good). She then goes on to say how she relates and thinks she is asexual because she hasn't had sex with anyone (p.s. she is a virgin). She said that after she has sex with someone she can really decide if she's asexual. And then I pointed out, "Well does that mean you want to have sex with someone" with which she replied with yes. I didn't feel any better after that conversation. I felt that my friend was trying to relate to me by using our similar sex lives (none of us were actively having sex), but in reality its the emotions behind that decision that differs. I do meet guys, usually all of which just want to have casual sex which I say no to because of my romanticized view on sex...

Well anyways, how I got here and built up the nerve to make an account and write all of this for the internet. I was thinking about this guy who stayed over the other night. We were about to have sex but I stopped it. I had no desire to engage in it but I just told him that it was late (which it was) and that I was too tired. He was very respectful about it and he quickly went to sleep. I stayed up and thought about what had just happened. I liked this guy and there was a good foundation of respect between us but I was in no way turned on to have sex. I justify my choice by saying yeah he's a good guy but I'm not crazy about him enough to engage in this extremely personal thing (I still stand by this reason). However, I wished for a life other than my own. I wished I was one of those girls who didn't add all that baggage to sex, who used it in an empowering way to provide pleasure for themselves. I desired this hedonistic outlook but it seemed that body was not on the same page as my mind. So I revisited this website earlier today and read it top to bottom... and man did it make me upset. I cried. I felt as if this is the end. Personally I don't find solace in labeling my sexuality so after reading about asexuality it became a reality (a rose and thorn of labels). I cried some more because the battle between my brain and my body has finally come to an end, and my body won. This isn't the best "coming out" story, I must admit, however I can't help feeling the way I do. I still hope that it is the reason is because I haven't met the right person. That maybe my proclivity of over-romanticizing my life and relationships with other is the reason my expectations always fall short. Call it denial, call it whatever, I still feel like there is a person inside of me who is capable of having sexual attraction to others but this sexual aspect of my life was stunted with my first boyfriend. 

I write this post because I crave support and understanding that I didn't get from my friends. This is me, very super exposed about the most personal things in my life... and I feel scared.

[modrad]

I'm new to the forum, but I've known that I was asexual for about a year now. The revelation came when my friend suggested that my aversion to dating and getting set up with 'eligible' chaps was from a lack of sexual attraction. Afterwards, I read a lot about asexuality (and took way too many self-diagnostic online quizzes), and I'm pretty confident that this label fits me well.

It's definitely weird to think that other people are capable of on-the-spot sexual attraction (or any at all), and it's even weirder to think that I may have been flirting with people of all genders without realizing it. Oh well!

At least we have cake? 

[PanPan]

I knew what asexual was, and was stuck between asexual and pansexual for a while cos I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was sexual attraction.

Then I found a definition of sexual attraction: to put it simply, to want to perform sexual acts with people that are arousing. I was entirely sure for a while, until I found out that what romantic attraction was.

And I realised, nah sex doesn't seem that great and none of y'all are notably sexy and whatever, don't really wanna do this (to put it simply).

And it hit me!

OH.

I'M PANROMANTIC GREY-ASEXUAL

HOLY SHIT. 

WHAT DO I DO AHHHHHHHHH

 

[Bambi2]

When I was a young woman, I wanted to try sex because it seemed like everyone else was doing it and I was told that I was a prude, frigid, broken, there was something wrong with me. I never really enjoyed it, though, and had it to get and keep a man (you know, the old saying about a woman giving sex to get love). I never could understand what all the fuss was about and tolerated it at best. I was married, for 19 years until my husband passed away, and fortunately, he was not very sexual either. Oh, we had sex quite often in the beginning and when he realized how much I disliked it, we developed other ways of showing affection.  I never could understand the obsession that other people have with sex, either in books, movies, or online and why the fascination in watching other people "do it". I am just so relieved in finding this website and learning that I was not abnormal all these years. I thought I was the only person in the world who did not share this curiosity about all matters sexual.

[kelico]

Thank you all for sharing your stories and introductions with us! I'm so glad that you've found your way here and joined. : ) Welcome to AVEN!! You're not alone...so just take your time exploring, and you'll find a lot of support here. Best wishes, and I hope you all enjoy being members!

[City_Flyer]

Hi. I'm new to this forum.

 

Recently an online friend "came out" to me as asexual, and since then I've been researching a little what that actually means. I had heard the term before, but always just thought it meant not getting "turned on". Now I've done some research, I realise that this is not necessarily the case, and that there is much more to it.

 

The thing is, the more I read, the more I think, "Actually, that's me".

 

I'm male and in my late 30s. I know that's late in life to be considering my true identity, but I had never figured it out before.

 

The crux of the matter is: I have never enjoyed sex. It has just never really...well...done it for me.

 

Let me preface this by saying I've had a few drinks today. I probably wouldn't be posting this if I hadn't. But, here goes.

 

I was 20 before I lost my virginity and have only ever had two sexual partners. The last time I had sex was in my mid 20s and I can honestly say I haven't missed it and I would be perfectly happy if I never do it again.

 

In my early life, sex was not something I enjoyed, but something I did because I thought I should enjoy it. Because that's what people do, right?

 

But I never did enjoy it. Although I did (and still do) become aroused, I always lost this arousal quickly, and never climaxed through sexual intercourse. For years, I just thought I wasn't doing it right. Or I put it down to performance anxiety. Or inexperience. Or stress. Or any number of other excuses why it just wasn't happening.

 

The romantic side of me is quite different. I am most definitely hetero-romantic and and I'm a real sucker for cuteness and sweetness in a woman (both in appearance and personality).

 

I will often look at a woman and think "What a sweet face", or "What cute eyes", or "What lovely hair".

 

But I never think "What great breasts", or "What a sexy butt".

 

I am very tactile and physically romantic. I love hugs, kisses and cuddles with female friends, and don't in any way connect this with sex. I don't get sexually aroused by it (although it has in the past been misunderstood by female friends).

 

But it is gender specific. Although I form close and caring friendships with men, it's never as special and I couldn't imagine cuddling a male friend in the same way. I just feel closer to my female friends and feel more of a connection.

 

My ideal evening would be a night in with a close female friend, with an intelligent conversation, a few glasses of wine, and a cuddle on the couch, followed by a gentle goodnight kiss on the head, and falling asleep together. Without doing anything sexual. Or even thinking about it. Or worrying that the other person was thinking about it.

 

Basically, I like romance and sensuality without the complication of sex.

[Crystal7]

I felt very happy, excited and relieved to realize I was asexual. Before, I thought I had an illness, that something was terribly wrong with me, and I was very worried.

[Sparrow of Spring]

This post has been deleted.

[Lemonsky]

Getting to know more about asexuality has been giving me mixed signals at certain points while the experience itself hasn't been too bad. The disadvantages though, they come when I start to think about crushes or people I like. I usually end up giving up because of thoughts like "Just remember that they probably desire something that you can't give" and that hinders my process of accepting myself completely. Sometimes I try not to mention my asexuality in order to make someone like me more. That isn't a good thing to do but it happens because I feel so weird.

There are a lot of good things in asexuality too. For example, people don't need to worry about being used just for sexual pleasure if they're with me. I don't need to worry about getting a relationship either because I value friendships just as much, if not more. Life also feels better to me when there's no need to think about sexual things; it's liberating in a way. 

It's also great that my best friend understands my situation so well and doesn't expect me to change anything about it. Same goes for my friends in class.

Not wanting a relationship (not yet anyways) makes me wonder if I could also be a bit aromantic as well. Many kinds of physical contact scare me if there's a romantic undertone happening. It might be just me not being completely trusting of the person or something else. At least I can say that there isn't any other person I'm more willing to hug than my best friend.

[ProtectorOfTheLight]

Hi! So I've strongly suspected that I'm ace ever since I first heard the term, which would be three(?) years ago now, I think. I've never been particularly comfortable with discussing my sexuality, or really my general queerness, with people, but I've gotten better at it I guess? And kind of just wanted to have that nice feeling that I'm not alone in feeling like this? I dunno, it's late and I'm an awkward potato.

[Flyfire_]

I was browsing the forums and came across this.

So here's my story 

 

I've never been interested in sex, sensuality, and every time someone mentions it I flinch/ cringe ever so slightly inside. I've also never really had a "squish" (am I using the term correctly...)/ crush on someone based on their looks, their figure or body, etc. Whenever I've liked someone or have had romantic feelings for someone, it was always because of their personality and their characteristics, not for physical features (although I am able to percieve facial attractiveness in people. That's just not how I've liked-liked people). Also because I'm a hopeless romantic (I deal with this by writing and reading. It's quite remedial) and dream of, well, the fairy tale romance XD where everything is perfect and pure and they do silly things with each other and they also gaze up at the stars and have deep, meaningful conversations.

 

*deep breaths* Anyways, back to the actual topic (I tend to go off track sometimes. And I also use parentheses a lot, if you haven't noticed). I first found out I was asexual when my friend decided to explain to my friends and I about the different sexualities. I lacked proper knowledge on them so I listened, and when she reached asexuality, my ears perked up even more and something clicked. Afterwards, when I had spare time, I researched asexuality, and felt bemused, but satisfied, as if I found something I've been looking for my while life.

 

Wow, this is longer than I expected. Well, thank you kind reader for taking the time to read this!

[Fullmetalpanda]

Hey! Thanks for sharing! 

[skax]

Hello everyone,

          I am a late thirties, demi/gray who just realized the truth about my feelings towards sex. Although there was a little relief at not being "broken", there is a great deal of fear and sadness as well. I am married, happily, to a woman who is self-described as a "hypersexual". I do not have negative feelings towards sex and enjoy it when it happens. I simply have less desire for it than she does (next to none at all, TBH). Both of us are worried about what this means for our relationship moving forward. I hope to find some advice on this site to help us proceed in what is, minus this, a perfect marriage. Thanks to everyone that listens.

[Lorna81]

It's only in the last few months I've fully figured out I'm 'not sexual' and finally found the word 'asexual'. Prior to finding that, there was a part of me that rebelled against the 'broken' theory as I feel far less broken when I accept myself for who I am, as someone who is happy without having sex, and doesn't need to fit in with the sexual norms of society. My only regret is being unable to reciprocate in relationships with sexual people.