I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[SouthernMinuet]

The first time I stumbled across aven was when I thought there was a problem with me. I quickly decided that I could not be asexual because I totally felt attraction towards guys (not realising that it was aesthetic/romantic attraction that I was experiencing rather than sexual).

After unsuccessfully trying to kindle some sexual interest in myself, I was back at aven again and this time read in more detail. I began to realise, not only was I not experiencing sexual attraction, but I NEVER HAVE. I started looking back over my life, about the crushes I had during puberty, about relationships I had. It dawned on me that although I was capable of experiencing strong attraction to men, I have never wanted to celebrate that attraction by having sex with them. I never understood romantic movies where the couple had a lovely romantic evening, meal in a fancy restaurant then moonlit walk but then chose to ruin it with sex at the end! It never made sense to me

I realised that I was asexual. And at first this made me feel very sick. My whole life past, present and future suddenly looked very different. I kept reading about asexuality but the more I read, the more I felt sick and unsure of my future. I was married with kids. What now? I read in horror the section for sexuals and their anger and hurt at not being sexually desired by their asexual partner. I had no idea sex held such importance for people and was so essential for their self esteem. I took another break from aven.

This is my third time back at aven. My marriage is over but we are on just about friendly terms. I feel better and now I feel proud to be ace! I even think the term ace is pretty cool! (My kids think I am too old to be cool, or even say cool!) I hope to be part of this amazing community now who have all helped me immensely.

I do find myself constantly trying to test my aceness though. My ex still thinks this is a phase for me and that asexuality is not a thing. His words still affect me. But, I am pretty convinced that this is me - I am ace!

I can relate to this almost exactly!! I'm currently married to a man who is sexual. We love each other but the sexual desire difference has been a problem. Not sure where to go from here.

[Caged Bird]

I can't even remember when I first found out about asexuality, it was just another sexuality in life, but I didn't identify.

Always thought I was hetero- by default and then I started to get homosexual OCD, so I began to question the fact that though I like guys I never reacted to photos of celebrities etc. the same way friends did. I never even considered for a second that I was ace, but me and my friend were talking about possible definitions of asexuality (as she had about 5 asexy friends), so I decided to google different 'types' and came across demisexual. I was so excited, y'know I had the stereotypical "THAT'S ME!!" But I came to realise that I never had and didn't think I ever would feel sexual attraction and I have no discernible libido, so I slowly realised I was asexual. And I was so upset. I didn't want to never feel sexual attraction, to not want sex the same way my potential partner would, for it to be harder to meet potential partners because I wouldn't be interested in them as partners at first (I'm demi-romantic as well), but over time I came to terms with it and in reality I'd rather be ace than allosexual and not have to bother with the distraction of sexual attraction or libido.

But I never had that relief over asexuality, it was just another attraction, I had an asexual friend (well he said he was asexual) but I never even considered it, I had to sort of decide I was in denial.

[BunChips]

I remember it all started when I came home from school one day. It had been a normal day but one particular conversation about boys stuck out to me, mainly because I just didn't care. I didn't feel the way the others did. After some searching online, I found out about asexuality and I actually felt a bit worried yet relieved. I was glad to know I wasn't some sort of freak who was alone in feeling like this but I was still worried about feeling different. Four years later and those feelings haven't changed too much. I'm so glad to be part of this community but lately I've just felt saddened by my asexuality and I can't help but wish I wasn't. I'm at the point in my life where I'm starting to truly accept my asexuality but at the same time having to watch friends get into relationships and have children. It's hard.

[(A Clever Name)]

I had felt broken before, and that I was incapable of having a lasting relationship, but hearing about asexuality gave me hope for a future where I won't be alone, and made me feel that I wasn't broken in the first place. I just didn't know that I work differently than most others.

[scarletlatitude]

Cake for all! Welcome to AVEN! We're glad to have you in our community!

[ClosetAce]

Like a lot of others on this thread, having just begun to identify as asexual my main feeling is relief. I'm heteroromantic and for the last 30 years I have been in love with my wife, but only having sex because she wanted it. I wondered if I might be gay,but guys didn't attract me either. I didn't realise that there was another option! It was so great when I found out that not only was I not "broken" but that I wasn't alone.

[Queen of Wonderland]

When I realized I was ace, my main thought was "Wow, that makes so much sense with so many things. Huh. Yay, pretty pride flag!" XD And I was quite glad to know I had AVEN to go on too.

[kelico]

Welcome to all new members!! We're happy to have you! Thank you for sharing your stories with us. : ))

[YellowShadow]

I've recently been very unsure about my sexual orientation. I've always been kind of afraid of men, because I was scared that they would want something from me, that i was not willing to give.

This led me to believe, that i was broken(maybe from traumas early in my life).

I began ti think about girls, i like girls, i find them beautiful and interesting(and not scary). So, maybe, i thought, I'm a lesbian? I tried ti get over my fear of dating, and thus dated a number of girls. It was amazing, but no sexual atraction, none at all. "This must be me, i probably just have to try it, maybe I'm just afraid of the unknown!" So i forced myself to go home with a (very sweet) Girl. I didn't like it, and i thouhgt: "never again!"

And then i felt sad, what should i do? I talked with one of my good girlfriends about it, and she mentioned asexuality. I thought no, cause i enjoy pleasing myself, so I'm not asexual!

But here i am now, i've read almost everything there is to read( there's a lot!), and i found this thread, i finally feel like nothing is wrong with me! I really believe that i finally found a label that fits me! I'm a homoromantic asexual! Now i am just praying and hoping, that people around me will understand(when i eventually decide to tell some of them) and that i am cabable of finding someone to share my life with!

Thank you for this amazing forum, i can't wait to chat with all of you nice people! 😊

[dena01]

So glad to find this site, maybe I do deserve love, and not be alone and die alone. Just because of sex

[karen314159]

Also glad to find this site today. I'm in Chicago, hoping to connect with others in my area. I'm 58 years old, middle school teacher, mother of two grown kids. Would love a relationship.

[beatlefan]

I'm still trying to work out where I identify on the spectrum, but learning about asexuality in general is, like many others on here, a welcome relief. I think it started when I was pretty young. I remember in high school having a crush on a boy simply because he had curly brown hair. When he cut it short, I was completely uninterested, haha.

These days, it's the whole dating and courtship process that brings me discomfort. The few I tried to date ended up wanting to be serious right away, and I was the jerk saying "thank you" when they'd say "I love spending time with you." I just felt nothing--no spark, no sudden connection. It terrified me, because in my mind I thought "He'll want to make out with me. He'll want to have sex." That's a bit of a barrier in this sexualized world, methinks.

That's not to say I don't find men attractive--a handsome face and a brilliant mind are my weaknesses--but it's either aesthetic appreciation or something more abstract. I may say "Ooh, I wouldn't kick him out of bed," but in my mind, that translates to "I wouldn't kick him out of bed because I like to cuddle," haha.

Though I'm still working out at what level I can have romantic feelings, I remember reading a story once that I feel encapsulates my desires in a relationship perfectly. In it were two people who became friends and found their interactions to be kind and warm, to the point they sought each other out more frequently. That natural warmth grew over time until they realized that life seemed better when they were together. There was no sex involved and no indication there would be sex--just a simple, unspoken agreement that they wanted to spend their lives together. I think that's what I'd like someday, and maybe once I understand myself more, I'll work on finding that connection.

I'm very grateful to have this forum in which to express my feelings. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. :)

[dragon_cake]

When I somehow found out about asexuality, I felt comfort knowing that I'm not the only who felt strange when it comes to sexual stuff. However, I also felt dread that whatever stranger I have even a slight crush on or try to know as friends will only consider sex as the major factor in a relationship. I think of myself as a very strange asexual when I can't ever picture myself attempting anything sexual with anyone but I'm fine with porn or whatever as long as I'm not the one in that position. I understand some sexual jokes and don't mind pulling off some jokes related to that also since I personally know that I would never actually do it myself. It also doesn't help that I'm interested in otome games and BL so I feel even less like a dating potential and even more of a questionable person in others' eyes.

[andreas1033]

I think of myself as a very strange asexual when I can't ever picture myself attempting anything sexual with anyone but I'm fine with porn or whatever as long as I'm not the one in that position.

Sex is about power, and when you watch porn, you fantasise about playing a role of submissive or dominator.

When you asexual, you do not have enough of a sex drive to want sex, you just have too low a drive to want sex in the real world. A person needs a certain amount of drive to actually want real world sex.

Everyone on the planet as an adult, can relate to some form of porn, thats why you watch some. You are not fantasising about sex, but playing a role of power, that sex is.

Every adult relates to some form of porn, it does not mean you are sexual, just that you relate to a thing about that sort of porn your watching. Your either stimulated by playing a role of dominator or submissive person. Everyone is either one of these, and its why everyone relates to some form of porn. That does not mean you want to have sex, as to have sex, you need enough of a drive to want it. Asexuals, just do not have enough of a sex drive to want sex in the real world.

Everyone relates to something, its just that your misunderstanding why you watch porn occasionally. Porn has nothing to do with sex, your fantasising about playing a role of power, that is depicted in porn.

[kelico]

Welcome to everyone that's new to AVEN!! We're happy to have you here!! : ) If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. Take your time, and I hope you enjoy being members. <3

[SweetAgnostis]

I don't think I had a huge reaction when I first heard about asexuality, about six/seven years ago. Despite knowing that I wasn't super sexually interested in people, and that me not being interested in physical affection was a large part of what destroyed my first relationship, I didn't think I was ace. It did plant the idea in my head though, where I wondered, but didn't think I was.

I just thought I was a late bloomer, I guess? Well, in my first relationship I didn't even know what asexuality was. After that, I'd heard that I may not be into sex now, but once I enter a sexual relationship and have it a few times then it will be amazing and I won't know how I ever went without it.

So yeah, a few years later I entered a sexual relationship. Same problems occurred. It ended with me still not caring about sex, if anything liking it less than before. Once my head finally began clearing of heartbreak I gained enough of my senses back to realize that I still didn't care about sex, despite years of denial and trying to mentally force myself to be interested in sex. I did some more reading on asexuality, gained a better understanding, and realized I really am ace.

I came to this realization about a month ago. My reaction has been...complicated. I always thought I'd be relieved to have an answer to why I feel differently about sex than everyone else I know. And there is some of that. Part of me is happy to have an answer and longs to embrace this new part of my identity.

But it's been more of feeling pretty sad and lonely. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my life about this, I keep imagining all sorts of angry/disbelieving reactions. I don't know what my chances are of finding a likable/datable man who isn't going to go crazy over the fact that I'm not into sex. The only seemingly asexual men I've met in real life have actually been pretty douchey.

All of my relationships have had a theme of having big problems over disagreements over physical affection. To me it's infuriating that love, trust, and companionship can all be swept away because of disagreements about sex, something that never mattered to me.

I feel like it's probably because of the above that even while I accept that I'm ace, part of me still feel like I'm "broken." I'm not entirely convinced, even though I've never had sexual interest in people my whole life, that my lack of sexual interest isn't from anxiety, stress, and/or depression, which I keep reading can lower libido. At the same time, I don't really feel like, in regards to my sexuality, I really need to be "fixed."

I hope it will get better with time, because I want to be happy with this part of myself. As I said, realizing I'm ace is pretty recent, and I think I will eventually be content with that fact. I just have some emotional baggage to deal with before I can be fully happy with it.

[andreas1033]

I hope it will get better with time, because I want to be happy with this part of myself. As I said, realizing I'm ace is pretty recent, and I think I will eventually be content with that fact. I just have some emotional baggage to deal with before I can be fully happy with it.

I know what you mean, but all of us have a peak in energies. Eventually you will know you are past your peak, what ever that peak was.

Males generally peak in early 20's, and females upto around 30.

But i know what you mean about waiting, but there will come a time, it happens to everyone, when you will not feel that anymore, and you know your past that peak.

Once your past your peak in energies that we all have, you will feel better about it, if you are still asexual at the end of it. Everyone can know they are asexual when they are young, but they cannot be totally sure until they past there peak, in terms of energies, that we all have. Like i said it peaks in males in early twenties, and females upto 30 or so.

So your right to only consider yourself totally asexual when you feel ok with it.

[Dreiwochenwach]

It pretty much wasn't that big of a deal for me. When I was in my early teens everyone around me started getting into relationships, have sex or just talk about who they like and such. I always thought "why should I care? I'd rather hang out with friends than care about that"

But later on it started bothering me that I wasn't interested in sex at all. I watched porn, tried other stuff, but I never felt anything if it involved me, or more, it made me queasy. Seeing such things in others never bothered me though. So probably three years ago I finally read some stuff about different sexualities and I found out that I might be asexual. That answer alone was enough for me. I didn't really care afterwards. I was just like "oh, well that makes more sense to me" and that's it. I never bothered joining anything, but I saw at a pride parade the banner for Aven and I thought it would be nice finally meeting people who understand me and which I didn't have to justify myself to.

Edited August 6, 2016 by kelico
changed font color

[kelico]

It pretty much wasn't that big of a deal for me. When I was in my early teens everyone around me started getting into relationships, have sex or just talk about who they like and such. I always thought "why should I care? I'd rather hang out with friends than care about that"

But later on it started bothering me that I wasn't interested in sex at all. I watched porn, tried other stuff, but I never felt anything if it involved me, or more, it made me queasy. Seeing such things in others never bothered me though. So probably three years ago I finally read some stuff about different sexualities and I found out that I might be asexual. That answer alone was enough for me. I didn't really care afterwards. I was just like "oh, well that makes more sense to me" and that's it. I never bothered joining anything, but I saw at a pride parade the banner for Aven and I thought it would be nice finally meeting people who understand me and which I didn't have to justify myself to.

Welcome to AVEN! I'm glad that you found your way here!

P.S. On a modly note, I changed the color of your font because the green you used was very similar to the green reserved for moderators when making announcements and such. : ) You can use any color but green or red (for admins).

[Fairy_catmother]

I spent my early twenties getting in relationships with lovely guys but always having a niggling feeling like "This isn't going to last". The niggle always turned out to be true and I just couldn't understand why I always wanted to break up after a few months or years (the physical side of the relationship only ever lasted a few weeks - it would end once I became comfortable enough to refuse and feel they wouldn't dump me. I thought I had a low libido). This summer I was feeling the same way with my most recent boyfriend and so I went online to do some research about how I was feeling and came across AVEN. I then knew that I was asexual and I felt so relieved to know not only that I could name this weird way of mine, but that I wasn't alone. However I actively feel sad about this. In my head I "wish" I was sexual. My orientation has means I struggle to hold down any relationships as I contantly feel that big "We aren't having sex" elephant in the room. I see a long and lonely suture stretching out ahead of me :( If I could meet someone else who is asexual......that would be amazing :D

[Lexaria]

Always thinking that I was broken or a part of me that I assumed was there, but never really felt was a constant state of mind before I found the term "Asexuality". I remember late nights where I was so curious I would go online and type in the google search bar things like "Non intimate relationships" and "I have no desires". Years later my mom, sister, and I were talking about sexualities. My sister says the most peculiar word, "Asexuality", my mom and I of course ask what It was and my sister explains it. I remember a sort of warm blanket covering my cold body feeling. I haven't come out yet to anyone, but from that day on I finally felt like I belonged.

[HesitantAlien]

When I found out about Asexuality, like a lot of people; I was relieved to know that I was OK. Nothing was wrong with me, people didn't need to be pushing me to do something I didn't want to do, and that there are others out there like me. It actually was almost a sigh of relief, as well as something I am still learning about.

[Dajan]

I thought something was wrong with me for the longest time. So relieved to find these forums and know that I'm not alone.

[Bethilia]

I've very recently assigned the term asexual to myself, and honestly I feel so much happier overall. I'm not very good at explaining things, so all I can really say is that after questioning my sexuality for over a year (and trying many different things to see if I could 'find' myself), it was such a relief when I found a term that I could identify with. It's nice to know that there are others out there who feel the same! 😊

[Scott1989]

From an asexual point of view, I didn't feel broken before knowing about asexuality, so discovering Asexuality was more of a relief to have an identity that can be easily explained, instead of just leaving it to "Meh, not interested".

Discovering aromance is another story. Beforehand, I did feel broken about that, as in one hand I would think about what it's like to have a family, but on another hand, I was scared that I'd abandon them, like my father did to me, and knew that I wouldn't be interested in actually having romantic relationships. I had a past romantic relationship failed as I didn't really try at it, and only happened in the first place due to not paying attention to what someone was saying. Upon the discovery, I felt empowered to continue to have a single life, and happy that it can be a normal way to live.

[Casimir]

I didn't think I was broken, I just thought I either hadn't matured in that area yet or that there was something wrong with me. I discovered my sexuality in my sophomore year in high school (I'm a senior now) and almost every day I'd look around at all the couples and hear the conversations about relationships and sex and think it's crazy that these kids were into and having sex! Over time I started to wonder if it's me that was weird and not them because I wasn't interested in any of that. Almost everyday I'd think about it and wonder why I didn't find anyone sexually attractive. It was especially confusing because I do have a libido. I do get aroused, it's just not because of a person. (I'm actually hoping that's all because of puberty because I hate getting aroused.) It was, and still is, completely unbelievable to me that people actually masturbate to other people. It's just...kinda gross to me?

I actually only discovered asexuality because one of my friends came out to us as agender. I hadn't really known much about gender or sexuality so I started to research it in order to support my friend. After I'd talked to them and understood agender better I decided to attempt to figure out how I feel. So I went to google and typed in this big long description of how I feel because I didn't have a word for it. First thing that came up was asexuality. I was like "??? This is a thing?"

I was so happy and relieved. I finally felt that I didn't have to feel sexual attraction to anyone. I didn't have to try to force it anymore. I didn't need to include sex into my future. All of a sudden I was so much more comfortable in my body and in interacting with other people. Other people understand! I told my mom and friends right away and while they were very accepting, they just don't get it. How can they? They aren't asexual. Just knowing there were others that felt as I do made me feel better, so I didn't join this site until recently. I'm glad I have now, it makes me more hopeful that I'll find a platonic partner like me someday.

Though I'm still working out at what level I can have romantic feelings, I remember reading a story once that I feel encapsulates my desires in a relationship perfectly. In it were two people who became friends and found their interactions to be kind and warm, to the point they sought each other out more frequently. That natural warmth grew over time until they realized that life seemed better when they were together. There was no sex involved and no indication there would be sex--just a simple, unspoken agreement that they wanted to spend their lives together. I think that's what I'd like someday, and maybe once I understand myself more, I'll work on finding that connection.

This is exactly the relationship I want. No romantic feelings, no sexual feelings, just a sense that I want to live my life with you by my side, forever. A deep, strong love. If I can find this, I will be able to say I lived a good life.

[pety]

When you get no information about asexuality (or any other sexuality than the "holy trinity" - straight/bi/gay) at school, it's really hard to figure out who you are... It would've happened for me years ago but I'm glad I realised still quite early - a year ago. Not knowing what asexuality meant whatsoever, I had mixed feelings when I heard the term for the first time. It felt weird and I thought I wasn't the case. I didn't investigate that much. But then later on someone on another forum dealing with feelings and emotions suggested that I look up the term "asexual" that I might be one. And after that I finally dived deeper into the internet and found out it was truly me.

It was a relief and a concern at the same time. It's great to know who you are and that you're not alone but at the same time you know it's not going to be that easy to find someone to be with...

[Crylliac's Backup]

Hey there, everyone! Name's Crylliac (Had some problems making the account, hence the account name >.>). Nice to meet you all! I'm pretty new to the whole concept of Asexuality. Think I found out about the Aces community about a fortnight ago or so, so I'm still gettin' all the information I need so I can have an informed position. At the moment, I reckon I'm Asexual, and somewhere on the Aromantic spectrum, but gunna need so much more info before I call that. Anyway, story time!

So, looking back on most of my life, it was exceedingly obvious that I was Ace. Never wanted to date anyone, didn't find people attractive (in the way I currently understand sexual attraction atleast.) and was generally nonplussed about the whole sexual culture that young people find themselves entrenched in. I think the reason it took me so long to find out about Asexuality is because I never considered my sexual orientation as a key part of who I am, so for most of my adult life I just sorta... went with things. People made jokes about sex and I would laugh at the right times even if I didn't get it, went out drinking with friends and they would hook-up with someone while I just kept chatting to the bartenders, and so on and so forth. I never had a real problem with it, but after a while I started to need a reason as to why I wasn't interested in any of that sort of stuff. People can be so nosy sometimes >.>

I started thinking about why that was, and what that would mean, but more sort of in the background than anything else. Beer still worked, Movies were still fun, video games were still being made and books are still the magical portal into a fantastic world of wonder. Sex, and my lack of interest in it, wasn't really important to me to begin with, but ever since finding out that there are other people who are also like this, it is becoming more important. Instead of being a null-value topic, it is now something I can use to relate to more people. Quite happy about that. Also, the whole "There isn't anything wrong with me! Oh man, what a relief" thing, that's pretty nice too ^_^

I guess what I'm trying to say is... Well, thanks for existing, you lot. Having all of these other people relate what it was like for them, and all of the resources now available for me to absorb, is really helping me out figure out who I am. Thanks for that ^_^

(Also, if anyone can get me even more reading materials on this subject, that would be awesome. Love me some data >.<)

[books are better than sex]

The way I first heard of asexuality is a little funny. I guess it all started with this topic of "if there were separate islands for each sexuality" on the Internet. most of them I understood "both ways bay home of the bisexuals", "the pansexual houseboats free to travels across the seas as they see fit" but then I came across "the asexual sky-nation" and I had no idea what that meant. so being a classic millennial,I googled it. the more I read, hopping from website to website the more I realized "hey this sounds a lot like me". I never felt like I was broken before though, mostly because I thought everyone else felt the same way I did. However it definitely felt very fulfilling to have figured out another little bit of who I am.

[Crylliac's Backup]

The way I first heard of asexuality is a little funny. I guess it all started with this topic of "if there were separate islands for each sexuality" on the Internet. most of them I understood "both ways bay home of the bisexuals", "the pansexual houseboats free to travels across the seas as they see fit" but then I came across "the asexual sky-nation" and I had no idea what that meant. so being a classic millennial,I googled it. the more I read, hopping from website to website the more I realized "hey this sounds a lot like me". I never felt like I was broken before though, mostly because I thought everyone else felt the same way I did. However it definitely felt very fulfilling to have figured out another little bit of who I am.

Oh hey! I think I saw a post like that somewhere... I'ma try to find the link.... Here it is! Weblink says it all really. anyway, I'm new here too, but welcome to Aven! Hope you make a bunch o' friends here :P

Edit: Awww, it shorten the link... Ah well.

http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/this-homophobic-tumblr-post-transformed-into-a-dystopian-lgbti-adventure-novel-and-it-is-amazing/#gs.6agb4rQ