I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[LoThomm]

I only found out about it recently. Heard the term on a show but didn't pay attention to it. Now after getting out of a bad relationship at the end of February I found the term again and realize this is why it was like torture and I just wanted to cry when we were intimate. Kisses and cuddling are all well and good but anything more is too much. OK... I feel awkward now. I'm going to shut up.

SAME! I thought I was just such a messed up person.. Like, why couldn't I just be like everyone else and just have sex and want sex and be NORMAL? Psh. Well, screw that. Now that we have found this community and have this support system, we have no reason to ever dislike ourselves ever again. Be proud of who you are. You are not alone! <3

[Androgynoid Replicant]

Welcome to AVEN :D Thank you all for sharing your stories!!

[BiccaBiccaTree]

When I first realized that I was ace, it was because of a previous relationship that was going to fast for me. I was fairly content with my identity. That was until I realized just how out of place I felt among my friends. When it came to relationships, attraction, or just conversations on the topic, I felt really different. Even though I knew that I wasn't alone, I felt like it. That's why I came here. I've decided to try and make friends with people who might be in a similar situation.
There's not much more to say about me on the topic. I haven't come out to anyone besides friends, my mom, and my sister. Other family members are out of the question for now.
I hope this gives you a good idea of where I am at the moment.

[BakerGirl]

I have only recently started 'coming out' to people but I have always know I wasn't interested in sex, I remember when I was 11 and we learnt about Queen Elizabeth 1st and how she never married so died a virgin ( admittedly very probably not true but that was what we were told at the time) and I said that I thought that sounded like a good way to live - unsurprisingly that caused a bit of a stir and there were some not so positive reactions to what I had said. Finding Aven and learning about Asexuality was such a relief to me as it validated my feelings and I am now much happier to talk to others about what I am thinking and feeling rather than hiding it. I still struggle with telling people when they come out with responses like 'you just haven't found the right person' but in general accepting who I am and coming out to the people I care about has been a really liberating, and if there is any one who is thinking of coming out and isnt sure I would highly recommend it.

I know it's cheesy but one of my favorite quotes is from Dr Seuss 'Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind' :)

[FeatherAsh]

I think I had the inverse epiphany. I discovered that everyone else was sexual. I have a personality that can ignore anything that doesn't directly relate or affect me, so I think I ignored the whole sex thing. When I finally understood how much sex affected other people's lives, I had a big "OOOOOOoooohhhhhhhhhh" moment, and I was flooded with memories of situations that didn't make sense at the time. They finally made sense when put into context of my being asexual, and the rest of the world being sexual.

I think I was excited because things I didn't understand finally made sense. I'm able to use these new pieces of data to interact better with people around me.

I have a bit of this too...

A lot of stuff didn't make much sense to me in the past. eg. The fact that things like the "sex industry" exist at all - let alone that it's a roaring industry. Since I can't see sexual attraction in strangers, things like strip clubs never made much sense to me. I always thought it must be either catering to some small minority of pervs who are there all the time, or else that people are hyping up how much they actually find it attractive - or like that it's some kind of macho bonding ritual which has little to do with actually finding the girls all that exciting to look at all evening.

this ^

[AmeliaJane]

The first time I stumbled across aven was when I thought there was a problem with me. I quickly decided that I could not be asexual because I totally felt attraction towards guys (not realising that it was aesthetic/romantic attraction that I was experiencing rather than sexual).

After unsuccessfully trying to kindle some sexual interest in myself, I was back at aven again and this time read in more detail. I began to realise, not only was I not experiencing sexual attraction, but I NEVER HAVE. I started looking back over my life, about the crushes I had during puberty, about relationships I had. It dawned on me that although I was capable of experiencing strong attraction to men, I have never wanted to celebrate that attraction by having sex with them. I never understood romantic movies where the couple had a lovely romantic evening, meal in a fancy restaurant then moonlit walk but then chose to ruin it with sex at the end! It never made sense to me

I realised that I was asexual. And at first this made me feel very sick. My whole life past, present and future suddenly looked very different. I kept reading about asexuality but the more I read, the more I felt sick and unsure of my future. I was married with kids. What now? I read in horror the section for sexuals and their anger and hurt at not being sexually desired by their asexual partner. I had no idea sex held such importance for people and was so essential for their self esteem. I took another break from aven.

This is my third time back at aven. My marriage is over but we are on just about friendly terms. I feel better and now I feel proud to be ace! I even think the term ace is pretty cool! (My kids think I am too old to be cool, or even say cool!) I hope to be part of this amazing community now who have all helped me immensely.

I do find myself constantly trying to test my aceness though. My ex still thinks this is a phase for me and that asexuality is not a thing. His words still affect me. But, I am pretty convinced that this is me - I am ace!

[lookslikerain]

Oh well, here goes.

Hi, I'm a 36 year old trans woman. I've always had little interest in sex, or rather I've always had interest on making whatever person I happened to be with happy. So I can perform, but I see nothing in it for me. The idea that I didn't actually have to is new to me. That I might be able to find a partner that didn't pressure me to have sex and was okay with us just being together didn't seem possible.

So over the last 6 months I threw myself hard into trying to make sex work. I had a very an intensely sexual three week relationship that left me a total mess, and a number of utterly miserable one night stands. I was determined to make "me work". Then two months ago I met a girl, polyamorous, who told me she was demi (I didn't know what that meant), I told her that I wasn't interested in sex really anyway. She asked me directly if I was asexual, and I didn't really know what to say beyond "I guess? Kinda? Maybe? Is that not okay?". That she'd be cool with it didn't occur to me, but she has sexual partners, I don't need to be one of them. And we date and see each other quite regularly.

It's kind of a relief to be able to feel that I can have a romantic relationship without constantly stressing out about this one detail.

I'm sure I'll post more sometime, but mostly I'm here to lurk and learn a bit about how to talk about it with my friends.

[Artimus]

I've been on AVEN a couple months now, and my best advice is to not concern yourselves so much with the definitions and focus more on gaining perspective from other people, both positive and (unfortunately) negative. Don't try to file yourself like a piece of paper. Instead live life and experiment with sexuality. I have never been horny once in my middle-aged life, but I'm now learning that physical and emotional intimacy has rewards that makes terms like "asexual" and "aromantic" seem overly simplistic. Not wrong, just...like calling food "good" or "bad".

[kelico]

Many many welcomes to everyone! Thank you all for joining and sharing your stories with us. : ) I hope you enjoy being members!

[TophBeiFong]

I feel that because I don't want sex that I will never find that special someone and I will be alone forever. I feel this constant pressure from family to not be a virgin at my age but i dont want sex. Whats so great about something people can do themselves any way? I feel like the weird freak of the family and I am constantly being pressured to go on dates but I always have this nagging fear that they are going to get handsy,or try something. What can I do?! :(

Find another asexual?

I know, easier said than done. On the other hand there are a fair few asexual couples around, quite a few on this forum.

I'm just finding out about all of this (asexuality) myself. Overall, it's relieving to understand that I am actually different. "Will I be alone forever?" is a recurring thought though. I don't want to be alone. I'm guess I'm a "hopeful romantic" too.

[somethinglikeastar]

Hi everyone!

I always just figured I was a 'late bloomer', but as the years went by and puberty came and went and I still didn't 'bloom' I began to feel like I was missing out on some big inside joke that everyone else shared. I first heard the word 'asexual' a few years ago and felt way more liberated and empowered than I would have guessed. Forgiven, almost. There was no joke, nothing to miss out on; I hadn't failed at anything, except maybe being true to myself.

I recently decided it was about time to join AVEN and meet some other aces and here I am! :)

Sarabi et. al, I totally feel you on the 'hopeful romantic' thing. I am a person who prefers love in my life but I always freeze up with new people when I perceive things are starting to 'move faster'. Maybe there'll be some threads on here about how to find ace love, or if/how to come out to sexuals before things go too far?

Anyway, looking forward to exploring the site and meeting everybody!

[Abbalinax]

Before I came to understand that I am asexual, I knew that I didn't want people and relationships in the same way that it seemed like everyone did. Even though I didn't (and couldn't) put a name to it, I was steadfastly determined to just be who I am. My main thought was "I don't want people (my parents mainly) to think that I can't get a boyfriend, I want them to know it is because I don't want one."

So when I stumbled across the idea that I might simply be ace, I felt like I finally understood how I fit into society and that I wasn't alone. I felt like a puzzle piece that I didn't know was missing suddenly slotted into place, and suddenly I could see the picture.

[Rob1120]

Hello everyone. My name is Rob. I'm 37 from long island New York. I just came across this site yesterday, and just joined. A little about myself, I am just out of 7 year relationship with a wonderfull woman that I loved with a passion that I can not even describe. I still do. To give you all a little background I meet her while I was going though a bad divorce. We had worked together, and become good friends, someone I could always trust,and depend on. I knew that she had feelings for me, and I have to admit I did for her as well. Not far after we started dating. Almost immediately we started to have a problem with our relationship. She was a very sexual person, and I wasn't. We seemed to work our way around it but I always had a feeling of anxiety when I was around her for fear that she wanted to have sex,and I didn't. There were times that we had sex, but it was awkward for me at best. It was the same way with my ex-wife. But with her I conformed into something I wasn't. I suffered from anxiety, and depression silently for years from not knowing if it was something wrong with me. Instead of figuring out what was going on in my head,and body I jumped into my next relationship. I was still going though the same things. She put pressure on me to go see a doctor. I was having problems getting, and staying aroused with her. I went to so many doctors just to try to our relationship just to find out that they all said there is nothing wrong with me. So jumping forward 2 years I had figured out that this hadn't just been a problem with her, it had started happening a few years into my failed marriage. The past 3 years we have not even tried, or talked about having sex. I know it was on her mind. That made my anxiety worse, and made me more depressed that I could not give her what she wanted. Yes I was very much attracted to her, but I had no interest in having sex. This definitely took its toll on our relationship. To be truthful I always thought that something was wrong with me because I was never really interested in sex, and have only had 2 sexual partners. Don't get me wrong I love the female body. I used to like to pleasure my ex orally sometimes (sorry if that's tmi) but that's where I wanted to end it. I liked to cuddle, and kiss, and show affection in other ways. She wanted more, the marriage, and kids. So for the the last 2 or so years we grew further apart without any sexual interactions. She couldn't get past it. So we decided to go our separate ways. I didn't want to hold her back from what she wanted anymore. Anyway that's enough of a rant for one night. I'm looking forward to meeting you all.

Have a good nite all..

[Biggles XD]

I just felt very relieved to know that I wasn't alone in the way I felt :)

[Morgen]

I don't identify as asexual, but as gray-asexual, so I hope I can drop some words here too. I didn't have the AHA-moment on this, because I first needed to learn more about the asexual spectrum and about other types of attractions. Plus when I started a relationship with my current partner I did had sex with him and to some degree enjoyed it, so I felt like I didn't fit into the ace community, but then did some more research and found similar experiences. I watched a video from an asexual person on youtube describing their attractions during childhood. They mentioned they like some people, but never had any sort of desire to act upon it. Same here. I know I like some people as a child and as a teenager, but I didn't wanted to act on it. Now I have difficulties making friends already, so asking someone out was just completely out of my reach. I think I just liked the fantasy of being with someone (in a completely non-sexual way). So there is this one, but then as a young adult I did act on my attractions with some people. I was already with my partner for a while after I realised that I might be gray-asexual. I wasn't happy first to just say I'm asexual, because I haven't figured out exactly which attractions I do have, but I love that there is the term gray-asexual, because it's a broad enough term so that I can fit into it.

And obviously I felt relief that there is people like me, but also that we are all individuals and we experience asexuality/gray-asexuality differently.

[InariYana]

As long as I can remember I longed for romantic relationships, having this image of a perfect soulmate, spending time together, travelling together, living together, but then there always used to be the element I didn't enjoy that much - sex. It was something that others seemed to desperately need to some point of absurdity, while I could totally live without it. I thought it was maybe a phase in my life, maybe some hormonal imbalance, this and that, but no. After years of dating it hasn't changed and in the end I found myself doing a bit of analysing, looking back at my life and examining my feelings in relationships. It turns out I'm asexual. Maybe not repulsed by sex, but rather averse to it. I'd rather NOT do it. It may be pleasurable to some extent, but doing it again and again and again is just pointless and I can't see myself pursuing someone to drag them into bed. It never worked like that for me, ever. In a relationship - it's a nuisance, "oh here we go again... erm, I guess I'll do it". I get intensely fascinated with someone, men and women alike, but it doesn't have the sexual underlay. So yes, it's finally good to know this about myself and good to have a community of similar people :)

I just guess my romantic life needs a serious re-think, but I won't be rushing into it.

[LoveLilly88]

I need help. I'm in a relationship with nymphomaniac and I'm assuming I'm asexual because I HATE having sex with him, I hate it!. Everything about sex bothers me, I get disgusted when he touches me and kisses me. I only do it to make him happy but what about me? I don't want to lose him but than what about me? Idk what to do. I'm confused. I'm lost.

[Aceofdragons]

I kind of just figured out that I'm asexual and I'm still figuring out if I'm asexual or somewhere in the gray. It's kind of exciting to find out that its perfectly normal to not want to have sex, even with people you're romantically interested. It has also led me to consider dating other girls, because for so long I thought i was straight and knew I wasn't sexually attracted to girls so I ignored any romantic interest I had in them. I'm also relieved because I get why I felt kind of like an outsider among my friends who enjoy talking about the guys they're interested in.

[BreeZaps]

Reading this post just makes me so happy. My autism always makes me feel a little broken but I feel so happy about this. I love you all. I guess being asexual is amazing!

[kelico]

Welcome to AVEN, everyone!!! Thank you all for joining and posting here. : ) I hope you love being members!!

I need help. I'm in a relationship with nymphomaniac and I'm assuming I'm asexual because I HATE having sex with him, I hate it!. Everything about sex bothers me, I get disgusted when he touches me and kisses me. I only do it to make him happy but what about me? I don't want to lose him but than what about me? Idk what to do. I'm confused. I'm lost.

It comes down to what feels right to you...so you could be asexual if you feel it fits! Another couple of terms are sex-repulsed and touch-averse, which you could look into (you can be either and be asexual or not). You're not alone. Keep exploring the site; I suggest the Asexual Relationships part of the forum. Maybe you'll find some advice there on what to do? Take your time, and I wish you the best!

[Urari Ysasi]

Since birth, I was raised in a conservative Christian family descended from a long line of faithful Baptists (I was named after a preacher); enough said there. At the age of 8, I had my first big crush on a girl at a choir camp, the kind of romantic crush that makes your heart spin in circles and your head lighten with glee every time that you see that person. Certainly, I was heteroromantic, but I was incapable of understanding the difference between types of attraction back in elementary school. As I grew towards puberty, my parents gave me the dubbed down version of the sex talk (diagrams, awkward finger gestures) without any mention of sexuality. To add insult to injury, my school did not give me any better of an education, primarily because the public schools in North Carolina were dominated by an abstinence-only, "put a ring on it" sort of curriculum. Masturbation was heavily tabooed by both my youth group and sex-ed class. Still, I engaged in it naturally, almost as if it were some sort of routine or itch, not a magical experience by anyone's standards, enforcing my presupposed heterosexual identity. When high school rolled around, I began noticing many girls coming up to me with "that look;" they would often burst through my conversations or make some sorts of alluring gestures, all to no effect. I was always much more interested in understanding things like mathematical induction and transesterification than luring girls into relationships. "Go get them! You have to learn how to read these gestures man," my dad would always tell me as we awkwardly discussed my female friends; "Dude, way to go! I can't believe that you got that girl, 10/10" my friends would snicker as the girls walked away. I really had no idea what they were talking about, as I was not truly sexually attracted to any girl that they indicated. Although, because of my positive experiences with porn in my early teens, I still held to the firm belief that I was heterosexual, a "dysfunctional" one at best, and that my romantic attraction indicated my sexuality.

I quickly grew fatigued of the monotony: girls flirting, weird glances, the omnipresent need to cuddle, "relationships." Thus, I created a night once a year, each year, to cry myself to sleep over myself. "Nobody would possibly want to engage in any sort of relationship with me. They all are about the same thing; so shallow and narrow-minded!" When I had nearly lost all hope in encountering love, despite my unbeknownst sexuality, I got into a relationship with a brilliant girl my junior year of high school for six months. Being the asexual, teenage boy that I was, she subconsciously grew confused with me as time went on; I never went for anything, we had deep philosophical and political conversations, ethereal cuddling sessions--yet nothing vaguely sexual. She was a morally-bound Catholic (abstinent at that), but she wanted heavy petting and exploration, and I remained the ever-happy asexual that I was. Her friends would often try to offer me "help," yet I would push them aside, as if they understood how insensibly they were behaving. Those 6 months that we shared together were something else, a true asexual relationship with another, and in them, I grew to love her in a way all of my own that felt deeply personal and loving all at once. Even though we broke up over long-distance, I learned to accept my "dysfunctional heterosexuality" and to understand my platonic/romantic/sensual needs.

Months after we had broken up, in the second semester of my senior year, I began to question my sexuality very seriously. A few months before, I had accepted my atheism as veritable truth, and I had fallen from Christianity years before, so my morals and sexual decisions were no longer derived from my conservative, religious upbringing (I had become much more liberal over the course of high school). After prom that year, my friends (of minority sexualities, two of which were in the asexual spectrum) and I sat in my car, discussing our sexualities and opinions while taking quizzes on our BDSM preferences. I was predictably vanilla, but I was too embarrassed to truly come out to my friends as I was still questioning. Since I had taken such a long time to be able to romantically express myself to my previous girlfriend, I was drawn to demisexual resources, leading me to AVEN and other asexual forums online. As I connected definitions, all of the pieces of my past (being underwhelmed by sexual gestures, having different interests from my heterosexual peers, not being sexually attracted to my long-term girlfriend) came together, and I finally identified myself as a romantic asexual. Thanks to the wonderful resources on AVEN and my supportive friend group, I learned to fully accept my asexuality, to love who I am as a person and to be fully content with my life, despite all of the grief and confusion that my asexuality had caused me. For real, that holiday, May 8th, was the happiest day of my life to be able to come out to my friends as asexual. Ever since, I have only grown more self-aware, self-actualizing and involved in the asexual community. I can only hope that through spreading further awareness, dispelling misconceptions, and drawing people to webpages like AVEN will help other asexuals like myself to better accept who they are, draw closer to their friends and family, and to love their asexuality for all that it is. Again, much thanks for this excellent resource! :)

[swinters91]

It was a huge relief. I thought I was bisexual because I didn't have any sexual interest, then I thought I was a lesbian because the thought of sex was so terrifying and gross. It turns out I just don't feel interested in people that way. I like to kiss and make out, I like human touch from my partner. But sexual interest was never my motivation in any feelings I felt for another person. I'm also happy to know asexuality has its own spectrum.

[Zellory]

I was married, I have a kid. When I got pregnant I quit drinking. I never wanted sex again. Politely put, I found it "distasteful." That was 13 years ago. Every time someone showed romantic or sexual interest in me I was put off, actually disgusted. Today I Googled to see what was wrong with me. It was with giddy amazement that I found my way here. I also spent some time on YouTube and I can't wait for my daughter to come home so I can tell her about this! She came out as Pan this year so I know she will be excited to hear that I am not just broken! She has the understanding! Plus when I read about the cake thing I was like "OMG, I have found my people!"

[Tomant]

I was married, I have a kid. When I got pregnant I quit drinking. I never wanted sex again. Politely put, I found it "distasteful." That was 13 years ago. Every time someone showed romantic or sexual interest in me I was put off, actually disgusted. Today I Googled to see what was wrong with me. It was with giddy amazement that I found my way here. I also spent some time on YouTube and I can't wait for my daughter to come home so I can tell her about this! She came out as Pan this year so I know she will be excited to hear that I am not just broken! She has the understanding! Plus when I read about the cake thing I was like "OMG, I have found my people!"

Thats great. I'm so happy for you. I'm sure you're daughter will be happy for you too. Let us know how it goes.

[Less]

I spent my entire life experimenting and doing things that, quite honestly, I'm impressed I survived - all kinds of things. Simply because I never felt I "fit" anywhere, I felt I absolutely MUST fit somewhere. My entire family expected it of me, being the eldest of my generation and all. Wow, what a downer - really - growing up like that.

And I always felt I couldn't "fit" anywhere because I never really felt I belonged. I would have close friends, and then they would expect me to be just like them. When they realized I am not, I quickly lost those "friends" for there was that stigma of possibly being gay. My name didn't especially help either (a slang term for Lesbian in some countries) and I grew more and more alienated from everyone; family, real friends, mentors.

Then, I did one thing that really blew everyone away, I entered the Sex Industry. Yeah - go figure.

But it was more for, studying (I'm a research whore) and trying to figure things out. Questions like, "Why are guys attracted to tits when pleasure really isn't their biological purpose?" "Will short or long hair really cause arousal?" "Is it really the makeup that makes a girl attractive?" "Can't we just TALK about sex and not DO sex?"

Stuff like that.

My entire life spent asking questions about sex, because I really just don't get it - never did - ever. As a female, that gets really precarious sometimes - for a vaguely attractive woman just cannot ask a guy about what turns him on I found out (in a rather bad way). I have had sex partners, aye, even have two sons (one of which identifies as asexual as well) and I _still_ don't get the entire S.E.X. thing. Would just be so much more satisfying to not even BE sometimes. I've got emotions, got feelings, just don't really care for the whole intercourse thing - never did. And yet, in this society, it is expected. Look at advertising - sex sells.

I am curious about sex, in a more clinical way. I don't really gain pleasure from active intercourse. I _can_ gain pleasure on my own - masturbation and all - but again - I don't "feel"... ugh... how to explain it.

[PossibleTMI]

Even during masturbation, a part of my mind is like, "So how come a flick of the clit in this way triggers the tingles up and down my back? Maybe if I flick... nope... that hurts! Okay, try this, and.. oh - that is interesting..."

Sorry if this seems extreme or blunt (kinda my nature) but seriously, that is exactly what goes through my head. And I don't climax.. I think.. really... My ex told me if I would just climax, I'd be a better wife. (riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight - is that why you forced me?) An ex boyfriend told me I just haven't found my "g-spot" (whatever that is, and poking around my innards didn't help any). A guy I dated for a bit told me I move too much during sex (probably because I was hella uncomfortable in that position). And the last boyfriend tried to tell me I just didn't find, "the one".

What is, "the one" supposed to do for me?

I am 48 years old. I've known myself to be like this for my entire life. I only now realize there is an actual word for it. Thank you.

Hi. I'm Lessie (call me Less). I'm asexual.

[RedFlyingWolf]

Since I got my first boyfriend when I was sixteen I began to question whether I was asexual. I loved snuggles, long talks and conversations about various topics but was reluctant to kiss or go further. When we did kiss I felt nothing and that made me feel... awful actually. I couldn't figure out why kissing, which so many people describe as an incredible experience, did nothing for me. I questioned it for a while but at that time, my research showed that asexuals were not romantically interested in anyone. I was confused and after some time agreed with my parents that I was just slow to warm up and just hadn't found the right 'guy yet'.

Time passed and I started university. It didn't take long before I began to have feelings for another guy. He was sweet and kind. I started a relationship with him but it didn't take long for me to start questioning what was wrong with me and why I wasn't enjoying it as much as I should. I did more research and this time, I found the truth that asexuals have a huge range most of who dislike sex but not romance. It made so much sense, and it just fit... yet I was scared. I called my little sister, crying because I was so scared about how this would effect my life. My little sister who is bisexual was so sweet and talked to me about it, explained how she had discovered her own sexuality and that everything would be okay, she didn't care what I was as long as I was happy.

After a few days of becoming comfortable with my sexuality, I made the choice to talk to two people other than my sister. The first was a school counselor who said that he would support me and he listened well. Afterward, he said that if I needed any help or wanted anyone to talk to he was there.

Emboldened by the words and support I decided to tell my boyfriend. As he had told me that he was pansexual I thought that telling him would be fine.

I was wrong.

He told me that I couldn't be Asexual because I had enjoyed what we had done together (it never went past heavy petting).

After I broke up with him some time later for unrelated reasons I went back to research. The more I looked into it the more I felt it fit.

When I returned home at Christmas I told my parents, believing that they would be supportive as they had with my sister. They were dismissive of what I said. My father commented that 'he knew me' and that I clearly wasn't asexual, while my mother told me 'not to label it'. That hurt.

It is now summer and I'm heading towards my second year of university. The only person who has responded well to my sexuality is my little sister and one school counselor I told, who left halfway through the year. I'm scared to tell anyone else but at the same time, it's part of who I am just like my eye or hair colour. I want companionship, someone who I can snuggle and talk to and have a relationship with, but I'm scared that if I tell someone that they will abandon me.

I'm sorry to be such a downer but I really need to get this out, I only have one person to confide in and as amazing as she is she can't give me advice on what to do when her sexuality is so different from mine.

[Jme]

Hey, I'm Jaymee. Mostly a sense of relief here too, though it's still weird to talk about because it's only been a couple of days since I really realized/understood it. The thought crossed my mind years and years ago, but back then I thought asexual meant "not interested in anyone or any kind of physical contact and not finding anyone attractive at all," whereas I do like to hold hands and cuddle. So, I just chalked my aversion to sex and the like up to "being young" and figured I'd get over it when I met the right person. Which hasn't happened, because I somehow got the idea in my head that if I found someone, I'd eventually have to have sex with them whether I liked it or not (like, honeymoon night? Come on). So, it kind of turned me off finding a partner of any sort because in the back of my head, it's disconcerting to think that someone might feel sexually attracted to me and I didn't/don't want to encourage that. It's been nice to be able to use my beliefs as an excuse not to have sex (i.e., holding off until marriage), but that's really what it was -- an excuse.

So here I am. I'm starting to gain a better understanding now after reading articles from this site, hearing about peoples' experiences, and some good old fashioned Internet-ing. I don't know why it never really occurred to me that I don't ever HAVE to have sex if I don't want to, even if I do have a partner, but that realization has been very freeing and I think it's made the whole prospect of finding a partner a little less daunting. Though at the same time, it's also kind of MORE daunting because finding someone who is cool with me not being sexually attracted to them kind of thins out the dating pool...by a lot.

[no no na na]

I remember the first time I saw a sex magazine, and realized what I was going to be expected to do to have a boyfriend, I was 13 years old. It horrified me so much I locked myself in my room, sat in a corner, and begged God to help me as I cried until I had no more tears to cry....I was traumatized! That was a long time ago, and although I have had sex, it was only what I thought I had to do if I wanted a guy to like me romantically.But I could not continue pretending I liked having sex for long, so I've never had a relationship longer then 3 months .Now I have no desire for even a romantic relationship. As I was explaining my lack of interest in sex to someone who wanted to date me, he asked me, " So your asexual ?" I immediately got online, and when I read that there were others who felt like me, I once again cried over my lack of sexual desire, but this time they were tears of joy!

[no no na na]

ooops didn't mean to post twice!

[SouthernMinuet]

It was a feeling of relief to finally know that asexuality is a "label" that fits me and helps me understand my past. I was called many things by guys that usually included the word "Ice" as in ice queen, ice princess, frigid, ice cube. Learning about asexuality makes me happy because here I don't have to try to fake something that is not me. I am married to a guy who is very sexual. I feel bad that I never want to have sex. I do it mostly because I love him, but we have only talked a little about it. I am scared to bring it up. I hope this group will help me understand myself and help encourage me to have open communication with my husband about it. Learning about asexuality has helped me be more accepting of myself and not feeling so broken or weird. I don't really like labels, but in this case it has helped me to connect with others about it.