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Lady Girl

I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

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jat342

When I first heard about asexuality, I was confused. and well to be quite honest, I still am confused. I still kind of consider myself heterosexual even though I don't want sex now or really ever (personally i just think it's gross, I can understand that some people find it pleasurable, but to me it just seems weird, gross, doesn't really make sense and is really just something I don't want to do; I also feel the same about kissing). I understand that technically this does make me asexual, but I still like the idea of having a boyfriend (I just don't want to have to kiss them or have sex with them). Thus I'm confused because well I still like guys, but I don't want sex or kissing and well it is really hard to find a relationship like that.

When I found this site a couple months ago I was happy because it is an area where I can get more information on the topic so I have been reading posts and forums on this site and it has really helped to get a better understanding about asexuality vs. sexuality. I know where I stand yet at the same time have no idea. I want to Identify myself as asexual, but I feel like that closes off the possibility of having a lasting relationship because well relationships tend to define levels of intimacy with things like kissing, but i don't want to have to kiss some one I want to be able to be emotionally close with people without having to have the physical side which mostly seems to lead to people just wanting to be friends, which i'm ok with having a bunch of people that are really close friends, but that don't mean that i don't want some one who i could call my boyfriend. sorry for using this to rant, but you asked me how it felt to hear about asexuality, and well those are the thoughts that have been going through my head since I figured out that I am probably asexual.

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I am Sherlocked

For the longest, I just assumed I was too busy to bother with such trivial things like dating and whatnot. I even told friends that I didn't think that was important and was just gonna focus on school and work. But then I kept getting asked how come I'm not dating, so I decided to try and date a couple of different guys. It was fun just hanging out and watching movies or playing games. But then when it came to cuddling and hand holding, I thought it was okay, I kind of liked the contact but not really. That and the fact that I didn't really feel anything at all towards the men I was dating. I thought they were average looking and whatnot but I didn't get what the big deal was with how people actually felt when they were with someone. If anything it just felt like I was hanging out with a friend, not actually dating them.

I always cut it off quickly when I could tell they were feeling something for me that I wasn't for them before things got too serious or they wanted to take things farther than I was comfortable with.

I watched Sherlock (BBC) and really connected with the character. Something stuck with me that he said, that he was a high functioning sociopath. I researched farther into it and read a number of things. That's when the word asexual came up. I looked further into it and knew that, that's what I was. I didn't really know at the time if that made things better or if I just was weird, a robot or broken.

Not until the other night when I watched the A (sexual) documentary did it shine a bright light on who I was and what I identify myself with.

That's how I found this website and joined a couple of days ago.

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Whatismyname

i did not date in high school because I said I was too busy. the truth is that I did not want to have a boyfriend because I assumed that since I never felt sexual attraction (to either gender), there was something wrong with me. so my feelings on this are:

eye opening. relief. I am not broken because I do not want sex. My sister is not broken because she wants sex. We are two different people. that is okay. When I first found out about my asexuality, I did not join this forum. But then I moved to college (am just finishing my first semester). I am glad for a place to openly discuss things because college is not that place for me.

I think the biggest thing that I was glad to hear is that asexual people can get married/do not have to live alone for the rest of their lives because they do not like sex. Yes, some enjoy a solitary life, but I was terrified when I first found out that I might end up alone after college because i am asexual. I thought that since I do not want sex (even after I found out that I am okay, not broken) I was doomed to never getting married. I want to be married, just not the sex part of it. (of course, I have as of yet to find the right man.) I have always lived with other people, and this community helped me realize that my asexuality does not mean I have to be lonely.

I am a virgin and am made fun of for it. i am glad there is a place people like me can talk about things that I am also going through. community, in other words.

thanks!!

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ThorHera

discovery of my orientation (lack of) was a slow process. I knew i was different from other females, i just didnt realize how different. i thought i was normal and THEY were abnormal, then switched - thinkg i was abnormal, they were normal. My sisters (i have 3), the neighbor-girls had Barbie kiss Ken, their discussing celebs; Elvis, Sean Connery, Steve McQueen. Puzzlement.

I didnt see what they were seeing or feeling the things they were describing. I could never understand swooning, in fact, I could not understand half of what the girls were talking about - fashion/models/men (all in relation to “sexy” - sex sells, so they say, but I never “bought” it). I asked myself many times - why don’t I see/feel these things? They all wanted dates/guys, so I should too, right?! My sisters (have 3) called me a prude - nice label - that didnt match, considering they were speaking some alien language. I wasnt a prude, I was trying to understand what it was they were feeling, talking about. Labels - ugh.

Got worse as the next few yrs progressed as the girls had this drive, someth that compelled them to seek out a male, and gasp; have sex w/them. They wanted, needed, desired a man. I didnt. There were no men out there that interested me - no matter what they looked like; “Handsome” or “ugly”. In fact, the way I saw most men was - a bunch of pests, some worse than others. I had no problem swatting at them; bug off, go away - here, take my g/f she would LOVE to have a date/boyfriend, take her. heh.

I watched & observed the interactions. Why didnt I have this want, feel that “passion”? What was so great about men, having a boyfriend? I couldnt understand it then, I still don’t understand it - the “drive”, “push”, whatever it is .... “desire” to have a man? All I see is humans; male & female.

By age 15 - it got worse - I HAD to date guys, required - to be “normal”. I had even been asked by guys, twice, if I was a lesbian (am not, not attracted to females either). I HATED dating for one factor alone - eventually, the guy would want to take the relatnshp to a different level. I didnt mind holdg hands, kissing, but I could not match the “desire”, the “need”, the whatever it was that compelled ppl to have, want sex. It was pathetic (? amusing?), their attempts at trying to turn me on, seduce me, not sure what words can describe the misery that caused me. I stood like a piece of wood, I was suppose to be doing someth, reacting, feelg someth - yet there was nothing but this horny guy trying his hardest to seduce me, make me ????, make me melt? I knew then, I was different.

I hated dating - the accusations thrown at me; Playing hard to get, frigid, prude, lesbo. Just showed me the TRUE colors of those that I dated and those that wanted to date me - Jerks - adios. That is how I have lived. Then last yr, I read an article on sexuality (intrigued as usual), it was more about gay/homo, had 2 lines on someth called Asexual - so now I had a word that "matched" the lack of orientation (or attraction or drive?). Didnt bother to investigate - but felt a tug to find out if that is/was what was “wrong” w/me - as I didnt really think there was anything wrong w/me - just different, accepting me as me. if my husb died, or we divorced - I would NEVER date, re-marry.

Groups & Labels - who needs them?! Sometimes they help, sometimes they hinder. Love, accept yourself for who, what you are, we are all normal. That is what I felt when I put my ideas/thoughts to the word Asexual - I AM a part of the sexual world, just not a part of That Sex (hetero) or That Sex (homo) or That Sex (bisex) - just one part of the whole; The side few talk about (most emphasis is on being Hetero & Homo).


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heyzeussantiago

Guys,

This is my first day on here and to be honest I feel sick to my stomach as I read a lot of these as I seem to relate in some way to a lot of posts. Please dont take that as an insult - I just feel pretty scared and unsure of myself. Very much along the lines of being "broken".

I have posted an intro here with my personal background:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/81787-a-welcome-post-and-my-confused-story/

Where I seem to differ from what I have read so far is that I am a man that dreams about sex, fantasizes about sex, wakes up in the morning with erections, etc, but when it comes to actual sex I just get nothing. I dont know if I am paralysed with fear or just broken, but want it, or if I just dont want it (despite thinking about it regularly).

So at the moment in all honesty I can only say "Im not sure if I want sex. And I dont feel very Okay" :(

On a positive note, I am so pleased to have found a site where I can express feeling like this, so thankyou all for being here

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CanadianDragonLady

I found this site a few months ago because I read an article (on BBC.com I think) about asexuality and I find sexuality interesting. As I started reading the posts, I started to think "Hey, that sort of describes me." "That fits me perfectly. Now I know how I am different." "There are others like me!" I have always known I was different and I have always accepted that. I have never felt broken or abnormal but I think that's because I never really realized the extent of everybody's sexual obsession. I have been in romantic relationships and have had sex. They were pleasurable but I will not miss them if I never do it again. I like being single and that's OK. (Mow I have to convince my brother it's OK :rolleyes: ). I feel a lot better knowing I am asexual and being able to think of myself as being that way. It fits a lot better that "heterosexual". I also feel better knowing I am not alone in feeling this way.

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DeJesss

The first time I found out about Asexuality was when a blogger I follow (who posts a lot about the experiences of different sexualities) posted a link to this site. So I poked around and read the explanation articles, and at that point I just kind of thought "so that's what that is."

Having the option of asexuality as a label has really helped me in the past couple of years and I think I've finally gotten comfortable enough to join up and say hi.

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Breathing Notes

Tengu says: "When I finally understood how much sex affected other people's lives, I had a big "OOOOOOoooohhhhhhhhhh" moment, and I was flooded with memories of situations that didn't make sense at the time. They finally made sense when put into context of my being asexual, and the rest of the world being sexual."

Yes, yes, yes. This is so much my experience too!

I'm experiencing alot of relief these days analyzing my life and past, but at the same time a new chapter is being written and I have no clue whatsoever what it's going to contain. I'm glad to discover this kind of network here, or I would be pretty alone in a sex-oriented society.

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Storm Dancing
Tengu says: "When I finally understood how much sex affected other people's lives, I had a big "OOOOOOoooohhhhhhhhhh" moment, and I was flooded with memories of situations that didn't make sense at the time. They finally made sense when put into context of my being asexual, and the rest of the world being sexual."

Yes, yes, yes. This is so much my experience too!

I'm experiencing alot of relief these days analyzing my life and past, but at the same time a new chapter is being written and I have no clue whatsoever what it's going to contain. I'm glad to discover this kind of network here, or I would be pretty alone in a sex-oriented society.

I'm in the same place you are right now,Breathing Notes. :) I haven't been here on AVEN very long but I had a "waking up" moment when I read all the posts and recognized myself in so many of them. And it's had an odd effect on my life, one I never saw coming. Ever since I said, "Ohhh,okay. I get it now,I'm asexual" I've been more at peace with myself and my friends. I don't feel that desperate need to do whatever appears "normal" in the hopes of if I pretend to BE normal,I'll suddenly develop a sex drive,lol. And I've realized it's okay to want to spend time alone, to not want as much human contact as those around me, and there's a huge sense of relief from not engaging in the complicated dance of a relationship. And,in retrospect,I simply can NOT believe I've lived almost my entire life believing I needed to fit in, to be as social as those around me, to have boyfriends/girlfriends.

Ugh. I've always tried to live my life "being aware" and the most important thing about my life,I completely missed until now. I subconsciously accepted that everyone around me was "the norm" and I needed to fit in. Now I realize there's room for me in all of this. I'm my own "normal." And it's okay to be that. I sometimes don't know why I miss such obvious things about life, at times. I'm a supreme example of the wallflower at the orgy. I can just be so clueless...

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Breathing Notes
Tengu says: "When I finally understood how much sex affected other people's lives, I had a big "OOOOOOoooohhhhhhhhhh" moment, and I was flooded with memories of situations that didn't make sense at the time. They finally made sense when put into context of my being asexual, and the rest of the world being sexual."

Yes, yes, yes. This is so much my experience too!

I'm experiencing alot of relief these days analyzing my life and past, but at the same time a new chapter is being written and I have no clue whatsoever what it's going to contain. I'm glad to discover this kind of network here, or I would be pretty alone in a sex-oriented society.

I'm in the same place you are right now,Breathing Notes. :) I haven't been here on AVEN very long but I had a "waking up" moment when I read all the posts and recognized myself in so many of them. And it's had an odd effect on my life, one I never saw coming. Ever since I said, "Ohhh,okay. I get it now,I'm asexual" I've been more at peace with myself and my friends. I don't feel that desperate need to do whatever appears "normal" in the hopes of if I pretend to BE normal,I'll suddenly develop a sex drive,lol. And I've realized it's okay to want to spend time alone, to not want as much human contact as those around me, and there's a huge sense of relief from not engaging in the complicated dance of a relationship. And,in retrospect,I simply can NOT believe I've lived almost my entire life believing I needed to fit in, to be as social as those around me, to have boyfriends/girlfriends.

Ugh. I've always tried to live my life "being aware" and the most important thing about my life,I completely missed until now. I subconsciously accepted that everyone around me was "the norm" and I needed to fit in. Now I realize there's room for me in all of this. I'm my own "normal." And it's okay to be that. I sometimes don't know why I miss such obvious things about life, at times. I'm a supreme example of the wallflower at the orgy. I can just be so clueless...

Haha, I love this revelation you get to experience when you discover something new. I can't say I'm super happy about "it", but it is what it is. Maybe I am.

And I will enjoy my revelation now for a few days at least. :P

Thinking back at my life I can almost point out the "weird moments" and finally make peace with them knowing what I know now, it's really an incredible feeling.

I totally dig what you write in your post.

"I subconsciously accepted that everyone around me was "the norm" and I needed to fit in. Now I realize there's room for me in all of this. I'm my own "normal." And it's okay to be that."

^^^Very well written. :)

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Striped Sweater

Hello, everyone! I just joined up here yesterday (even though I had first heard about AVEN about a month ago), and my experience with the community here so far has been very positive, and I think I'm really going to like it here.

My story is a little backwards in that I was in a relationship way before I even knew I was asexual. I dated a guy in high school (my one any only relationship so far in my life), and the farthest we ever got physically was a very occasional kiss. We just had this mutual feeling that we didn't need to have sex to feel really close to one another. It was the friendship that was more important to us. I wasn't "in the loop" at my high school about who slept with whom, so the few rumors that did come my way just made me assume those people were not the norm.

It wasn't until two years later, when I was a freshman in college, that I discovered that I was the one that was not the norm. I was just talking with my roommates, when suddenly the topic of porn came up. I always thought porn was something old creepy perverts partook in, not college girls. They seemed to think I was some sort of weirdo because I never even had the desire to watch porn or touch myself. I had more important things to do...like homework and extracurricular activities. So that night I did some Googling and discovered that the term "asexual" fit me to a T. It actually made me feel much better, because I learned then that there were other people like me.

Skip ahead two more years, and here I am today. I still consider myself to be an asexual heteroromantic, and I'm very comfortable with that. The only big downside I've experienced so far is that it kind of makes me feel like a misanthrope, since I can't relate to other people regarding humanity's most basic and primeval instincts. I'm glad I found a community like this, and I'm looking forward to getting involved in the discussions.

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NoName95

I never noticed there was anything wrong with me. I always thought people exaggerated when they said someone was sexy. Or that they just made a big deal about sex for no reason. When I was 15, I started wondering whether or not I was heterosexual, so I searched the internet for answers. I thought I was everything from lesbian, to bisexual, to pansexual. I think I came across asexuality once, didn't really pay attention, and moved on. A few months ago, I looked it up again - this time, I found AVEN - and realized 'This is me.' I was skeptical at first, but after searching the site and thinking about it, I realized that I am, in fact, asexual. I'm perfectly fine with this. I'm glad I found my people.

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Roseway

I have had very similar experiences.

I've only really realized that I was asexual a few weeks ago (just shy of a month, actually). The story's pretty hilarious and sad, in hindsight, having a little meltdown in an empty apartment and researching asexuality while sobbing into a bowl of mashed potatoes before it really kicks in that "It's not just me". I do have to say that this wasn't the first time I had wondered about it, but I think it was the first time I allowed myself to accept it. It felt like I was flying, I was so relieved and happy.

As I mentioned before, it wasn't the first time I'd considered it. I am in my early twenties and have four siblings: I heard all about sex and hot people, and none of it was really intelligible to me. I mean, I can understand in a purely aesthetic way (such as "He could be in a movie", "She looks like she belongs in a painting", and my personal favorite, "He has Disney Prince Hair! He's a missing 90s Disney Prince"). I just never felt anything, never picked up on flirting (others' and my own), and never felt the need to deepen any relationship beyond friend. I still don't know if I'm aromantic or not.

So every time I heard about asexuality, I got a little interested. It was just that I never let myself get attached to the idea. Even now I haven't really told anyone other than one of my coworkers (I am currently working in a foreign country whose language I don't speak; I didn't have a lot of options), and I know my that my parents and that two of my sisters will definitely not respond well-- I skirted around the issue and even once mentioned that "hey, maybe I should research this, maybe this is what I am" and was very thoroughly shooed away from that kind of thought. It's rough only in that I am very close with my family, and if I came out to any other sexuality, they'd accept it. I'm pretty sure they'd be over the moon, in fact. I'm pretty sure they think that if I end up alone, I'll be miserable, and also that if I am asexual that means I will end up alone (which, I now know, isn't true), and they want me to be happy. They always told me that I'd know "when the right one came along". I always believed them, even when it made me feel like I was broken. What's funny is that they'd be okay if it wasn't me who was asexual. It's different, I'm told, when it's their child.

I'm from the South (In the United States, you know, the one known as the Bible Belt and has a bad rep) and most people there really believe in marriage and having babies. I don't know a single asexual person (funny enough, when I asked one of my pansexual friend years ago what sexuality she thought I was, she and some of my other friends all said that they just didn't think about me and sexuality in the same setting ever). So even when I heard about asexuality, it was always in such a uncaring and unconcerned manner that I knew I shouldn't be "considering" that sexuality. My experience has been like opening up what I felt was Pandora's box/jar/bottle only to find it's a censored truth. Has anyone else felt that way? Even if not, I'm still really glad to have found, as some people have said, "my people".

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mokins

On some level, I always knew I was asexual but didn't know the word for it. Growing up, I knew I wasn't straight (sex with a guy? Eeew!). So I assumed I was gay (sex with a girl? Eeeew!) I realized I wasn't really sexually attracted to anyone. What I did know was that I was in love with my best friend and wished he was in love with me the same way. But, alas, he wanted a girlfriend...and found one. :(

Understanding that I was different than the average person, I've always felt more aligned with the gay community, identifying with the sexually misunderstood aspect of homosexuality, I guess. But I felt mislabled as a lesbian. I constantly found myself drawn to gay men, who I could develop close friendships with with no expectation of sex. (Nothing wierd about being a woman and kind of atracted to gay men, right) Even within the openminded gay community, I felt like a square peg in a round hole. Even worse than not feeling at home in the straight community was being misunderstood by a group that I wanted to belong to.

Finding the AVEN group has made me feel hopeful. There are people out there who understand me. Thanks for being there.

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mokins
To me, someone sharing something very personal with me, like their poetry, their writing, their sense of humor, their goals in life, everything that defines the person that they are, is infinitely more intimate then sexual contact. I've always felt that anyone can have sex. But it takes a lot for a person to trust someone else enough to open up to them and show them who they truly are, inside. But in the majority of my relationships,I apparently,was the only one that felt this way,lol. But now I know I'm not the only one, and it's a relief. I wish I'd known a little earlier in life but it's a huge relief to know now instead of going on as I have for years. Anyway...yeah,I can ramble...welcome,I'm glad you found your way here. :)

Right on! I second that.

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Yusumi

i have always known i was asexual however i just found out from the movie that i was not the only one. i was so happy i watched it again and joined this site!

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giggilymesh

Hm. I guess my experience is exceedingly unusual because when I first heard about asexuality I was nine and watching a horrible scifi movie where space lizards invaded New York City. They were reproducing asexually. I had no idea what the word meant so I looked it up. Big help that turned out to be. It was very clinical and very dry. Hardly the stuff that a nine year old was interested in, but still I was intrigued by the idea so I never forgot. Then, years later, I encountered it again in biology and chemistry and treated it with the same sort of clinical fascination. I never made the connection, because growing up in a college town I was exposed to a high level of diversity and tolerance. I have friends who are gay, bisexual and even one transgendered--I mean having no sexual drive didn't seem so unusual to me. Then I went to college where it was like sex was being shoved down my throat. Not literally, thank god, but the need to conform to this set standard is alienating to say the least. So while all my close friends know I'm a virgin, I don't think there's a one among them who knows how little that bothers me. Just...not interested. I like reading about it. Loved studying about it. But doing it? No thank you. I'll have my cake and eat it too.

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Junebug03

Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a nun (even though I am not Catholic) so I wouldn't have to have sex. No one seemed to understand that, so since I grew up in a religious home, I just eventually told them I wanted to get closer to God. I wanted to be a nun from age 7ish-high school. When I found out being a nun was not a possibility due to my religion I just told people I don't need a guy. Although, I still feel that way, that I do not need a guy, I am relieved to have a name for my orientation and know I am not alone. I was in my astrobiology class when I started wondering if asexual was possible for humans...not so much in the sense of reproducing with themselves, but out of curiosity, and sure enough, AVEN showed up. I was so happy I told everyone, and once I got the phrases of "Its just a phase" "You'll find someone" I laid off on who all I told, but still relieved I found this place and a name for it.

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Goldberry

I did not date in high school because nobody was interested in me! Apparently my personality made me enough of a freak that dudes stayed away and my sexuality never became a question...ever. I'm lucky that my one boyfriend was perhaps grey? We never had sex and it didn't seem to be an issue. Not sure why. It was such a casual thing that we never broke up, rather just stopped talking to each other over time and then started to hang out with each other 2 years later for fun.

I was aware for quite a long time before discovering asexuality that I was completely uninterested in sex. And I knew full well that I didn't want any. Ever. And I still don't. When I found out about asexuality (from meandering around the internet) and AVEN, I thought it was the coolest thing ever!

Well, it's not all perfect. I want so very much to grow old alone; it would be a dream come true! But being in a relationship (long distance) makes me very grouchy at times, contemplating how wonderful it would be to live life without someone being so emotionally attached to me. It's really disconcerting to think that someone out there would have a nervous breakdown just because I want to exercise my free will in being left alone...

These feelings are further amplified by the fact that I've befriended another aro ace (in real life!!!) and I'm greatly influenced by her on many levels, most notably for ace lifestyle. But I feel....trapped...

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Shawn Louis

Ever since I was small and discovered what sex is all about I just had this...surety...if you will, that this would never be a part of my life, nor would I ever desire it to be...and that was definitely okay. I was 17 years old already when I learned that I am a Turner Syndrome female...this meant that I never had the natural onset of puberty, the wash of hormones, that most teenagers experience...I've never had that, so I guess that is one reason I have never had the slightest inclination or interest...in fact, to be quite honest, I find the whole business of it kind of repulsive...at least for me. .it is hard to make others understand my feelings, and I've spent many years feeling quite odd, dodging questions...I am sure that most of my family think I am most probably a non-practicing lesbian, and that is okay as well...I don't care what they think or what they suspect....and that goes for anyone else, family and friends, co-workers alike... ;)

It has never been a great issue to me at all in my life, but, it became of great interest when I happened to see, many years ago, an asexual person on one of the major talk shows...I found him fascinating...and as I listened, I heard myself described to a tee. and then I was completely certain. I was so happy because I finally had an answer and knew there were others out there like myself. Now I am a part of this wonderful, freeing forum..So, I thank U all for being here...Corey S.

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ThunderGrey

I first heard the word a-sexuality a few years ago and was intrigued by it. I didn't give it too much thought though bc I was pretty inexperienced with sexual stuff at the time, and due to the fact that I'm a Grey-A who doesn't find the idea of sex repulsive or anything, and in fact I can feel sexual desire, just not really sexual attraction to people in relation to myself, if that makes sense. So it took me a few sexual experiences for me to finally realize that while the idea of sex is kind of appealing to me, and I enjoy a good romance novel and rom-com as much as anyone, that me actually having sexual contact with people was not really for me. I always just felt very detached in those situations. So after all that! Lol That's when I decided to revisit this whole a-sexual thing and decided, yeah man, that really sounds like me! And here I am :D

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m13
On some level, I always knew I was asexual but didn't know the word for it. Growing up, I knew I wasn't straight (sex with a guy? Eeew!). So I assumed I was gay (sex with a girl? Eeeew!) I realized I wasn't really sexually attracted to anyone. What I did know was that I was in love with my best friend and wished he was in love with me the same way. But, alas, he wanted a girlfriend...and found one. :(

Understanding that I was different than the average person, I've always felt more aligned with the gay community, identifying with the sexually misunderstood aspect of homosexuality, I guess. But I felt mislabled as a lesbian. I constantly found myself drawn to gay men, who I could develop close friendships with with no expectation of sex. (Nothing wierd about being a woman and kind of atracted to gay men, right) Even within the openminded gay community, I felt like a square peg in a round hole. Even worse than not feeling at home in the straight community was being misunderstood by a group that I wanted to belong to.

Finding the AVEN group has made me feel hopeful. There are people out there who understand me. Thanks for being there.

Totally understand!

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mokins

I have always really liked animals and, when I was about 8, my mom told me that some day I should marry a rich rancher. I asked her, "Why can't I be the rich rancher?"

As I read many of these stories here, I realize that much of what we need to know in life, we knew when we were 8. We should listen to, love and trust ourselves and not let others tell us what we really need to be.

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marjorine

Everything about this is new for me; posting on a message board, talking about how this feels with people who have the capacity to understand...but I think I'll feel better once I get it all out of the way.

My lack of general sexual interest is rooted rather deeply in my personality and not something that anyone has ever been able to accept, especially me. Growing up, I developed this idea that the only way anyone could or would be interested in having a relationship with me would be founded on my ability to be a sexual being. Throughout the years I have ended up doing a lot of damage to people I love, soley based on this grandiose idea that my contribution to the relationship needed to be sexual. So, like a lot of confused and ignorant individuals have done in the past, I pulled the old bait-and-switch. I would present myself as a highly sexual person, while deep down I didn't enjoy what I was doing. Rather, I enjoyed knowing that what I was doing with my physical self was making someone else happy. Over time, though, I would become less and less willing to "put out", as it were, because I felt a level of intimacy that I didn't think needed sex to continue. This behavior has ruined literally every relationship I have ever had, and I constantly feel like a prize asshole. Even now, fully knowing that I have absolutely no desire to have sex, I find myself putting it all out there because I feel it's what's expected and I don't know how else to behave. This makes me feel guilty and deceptive and all around icky about who I am.

I haven't been able to understand, or to get others to understand, how I am OK with not having sex. My friends will talk about masturbation, both men and women, and when it gets to me I just shrug my shoulders and say "it's not for me". The look on their faces is one of utter confusion, as if I suddenly started speaking in tongues. They want answers. They want to know what it is that I don't like about it. I hear my lady friends all telling me that I need to "get myself into it" like it's this switch I can just flip...but I don't think I was ever given that switch. I've tried, don't get me wrong, but after a few seconds I give up and go about my day. The only time I've ever recognized the value is when I'm way too stressed out and way too tense and can't relax, and it's almost like a physical decompression, which takes all of 30 seconds to complete. I get no sexual satisfaction from it.

When I do find myself in a relationship, the day always comes when my boyfriend at the time will ask me why we're not having sex, even if I didn't enter the relationship waving this giant flag of sexuality. When I say it's because I'm not interested, they internalize it and assume I'm just not attracted to them. I delve further into it and explain that not only am I not interested in having sex with them, I'm not interested in having sex with anyone. They don't see how this is possible, and the relationship ends. On the flip side, if I go into it with gusto and behave like this highly sexual being long enough to fall into a comfortable groove, the conversation inevitably comes up as to why we're no longer having sex at the frequency or intensity we used to. I feel ashamed to tell someone I'm in a relationship with that I would be perfectly happy being with them, minus the sex, for the rest of my life. It's hard to come up with a 'good reason' not to do it. I've tried being honest about having no desire for sex, about not being physically aroused, and every time I've been accused of getting it outside the relationship; that the only way it's possible that I couldn't be ready to do it after a month of having no sexual contact would be that I am having sexual contact from an outside source. Once again I attempt to explain that it's not a lack of desire for them, it's a lack of desire to be with anyone. I then get told "I have needs!" and the relationship ends.

I'm tired of hurting people with my lack of sexual desire. I've seen doctors, tried a variety of treatments, and nothing changes for me from a sexual standpoint. I had convinced myself that I will be alone forever, because who wants to be in a relationship without sex...other than me? The killer is that I enjoy being physically close with people. I love hugging and snuggling and cuddling. Not a huge fan of kissing, but it's not nearly as repulsive a thought as being physically intimate. In my perfect world, I will meet someone who is happy to just be in the same space as I am. Will that happen? Probably not, but now I'm at a point with myself where I feel OK with being by myself. I certainly don't miss screaming matches over 'getting busy'.

I'm glad this space exists. I'm happy to know that there are other people who have had a similar go of things; that I'm not a total freak, that I'm not completely alone in this, and that it's OK to not have sexual impulses or desires. I used to think I was defective, or that the things that had happened to me in my youth were making it impossible for me to be comfortable with sex. It's incredibly liberating to know that I'm not broken, just different.

This is rather long, apologies. Many thanks to everyone who has come and gone before me, it's all been very helpful.

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scottimus prime

I remember when I first noticed the word "asexual" and it triggered some sort of deeply-rooted response from my brain. It wasn't that long ago! I'd been on a bit of a documentary kick (mostly pop culture-y stuff, nothing really about sexuality) and I was just browsing through a list of titles when I saw the (a)sexual documentary appear. I just... felt oddly compelled to see this film. I don't know why. I'd been struggling with my sexuality all of my life and had been trying to understand myself, particularly this year with the help of a therapist and also experimenting with dating a little bit (though I ultimately didn't enjoy it). I saw another title for a documentary about gay culture and I thought I'd check that one out, too, but I actually got bored half-way through it and realized that I didn't identify with homosexuality and the gay culture. It just wasn't for me.

When I sat down to watch (a)sexual, it was like a revelation. An OMG-holy shit-I've seen the light! kind of reaction. I had never even been aware of asexuality as a sexual orientation. I didn't understand what it was. It wasn't something that anyone talked about. Ever. I only knew the term as it relates to science (asexual reproduction, like an amoeba or something). If someone had asked me six months ago what asexual meant, I probably would have said that it was an organism that's gender neutral and does not engage in sex to reproduce. Some sort of neuter. I never would have been able to connect the dots and understand that my own confusion about my sexual orientation would lead me here.

I just assumed that you had to be straight, gay or bi. I didn't belong in any of those categories. After watching the documentary and then coming over to AVEN, reading about the subject matter, reading posts by other people and learning about everyone else's experiences, I finally felt.... relief. Peace of mind. I wasn't so weird after all. And, most importantly, I wasn't alone.

Other than my therapist, I had never talked openly about my sexual orientation with others. I didn't understand myself so I didn't even know where to begin with explaining it to friends or family. In most social situations, I lie or just smile and nod so that I appear "normal" like everyone else. I have alluded to certain things with a couple of close friends but the term asexual had never came up. Once I had clarity about who I was, I felt compelled to join AVEN so that I could share my own story and relate to others. It's been a fascinating and rewarding experience thus far. I still haven't come out to my friends and family (only my doctors and the AVEN/asexual community), but at least if/when the topic comes up again, I'll finally be able to talk to them about it.

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SherbetLemons

Asexuality in itself is nothing new to me. I've had a fairly good, basic understanding of it for quite a while, but the possibility of being asexual myself only dawned on me last night. I'm 19, and have referred to myself as bisexual for about five/ six years, having found myself romantically interested in both genders for roughly that amount of time. It only occurred to me during a conversation with a friend last night that I've never in my life been sexually interested in anybody, or had a desire for a sexual relationship. I mentioned this, and had to kind of look back on what I'd said. I felt some confusion at first, as I'd fallen into the oh-so stereotypical trap of thinking "No, I can't be asexual, I've been in relationships. I've been interested in people." But when my friend pointed out to me the obvious difference between attraction and sexual attraction, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to admit, I did feel a wave of sadness and anxiety about it at first, but having looked around on these forums, and read up on it, I actually feel a lot better about it, happy, even. I believe my initial reaction was more to do with rethinking a part of my identity that I'd previously felt confident about, rather than being upset about potentially being asexual. The things I've read about asexuality seem to feel right to me, and while I'm not yet entirely certain, I feel a lot more comfortable with it than I did upon initially considering myself to be bisexual.

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Janus DarkFox

Growing up, I never thought differently and assumed others thought the same way as I did. The concept of relationships with others never really did compute with me. Discovering it made me stop and pause for a second... "Soo.. This sex and relationships thing really is a thing for people..." I guess... Without asexuality coming into my life, I may never would have discovered my social difficulties with diagnosed Aspergers.

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Graybear

I am 46 this year, and only now just heard the word "asexuality", although I have been asexual my entire life. I feel I have not been fair to my wife, but I can not help disliking sex! It's not her, it's not anyone...It's the way I have always been! Should I have married? Perhaps not to a sexual person, but how was I to know I would never just "become" sexual!

Now I know I am not sick or mentally challenged, I am me. I am an asexual and there is simply no changing that fact!

Thank you AVEN!

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Storm Dancing
I am 46 this year, and only now just heard the word "asexuality", although I have been asexual my entire life. I feel I have not been fair to my wife, but I can not help disliking sex! It's not her, it's not anyone...It's the way I have always been! Should I have married? Perhaps not to a sexual person, but how was I to know I would never just "become" sexual!

Now I know I am not sick or mentally challenged, I am me. I am an asexual and there is simply no changing that fact!

Thank you AVEN!

Welcome Graybear.:) Don't feel like you're late to the party, I just discovered the word "asexual" a few weeks back and I turned 50 last August. It's such a relief though isn't it? I know I felt like I'd finally found somewhere I belong. As to your question of if you should have married....I think all of us, tried to fit in at one point or another,hoping to become magically sexual by marrying or dating.. I hope you're not feeling like you misled your wife, you can't mislead someone when you're not even sure of the direction yourself. I know I always kept hoping if I dated...or considered marriage...it would be the magic trick that would make me like everyone else. But it just doesn't work that way.

Anyway....once again,welcome! Here is some cake--------> :cake: (yeah,I know it doesn't have any icing,I licked it off,deal with it,I'm an icing junkie). Have fun exploring the site,there's alot of topics you'll find interesting up for discussion or just commenting upon. Glad you found your way here. :)

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lotrfanty

No one around me knows this area and no one believe my aspect toward a non-sexual life. I still keep my own life style since their deny cannot stop my nature, even though I had been very sad that I am alone.

I finally found you.

Now I am happy that I belong to a team.

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