Jump to content

I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


Lady Girl

Recommended Posts

6 hours ago, GLRDT said:

No one can choose what you identify with but you pretty much described how I am. I identify as a sex neutral/indifferent gray asexual.  I have experienced sexual attraction three times in my life. Sexual attraction for me means being very curious what it would be like to have sex with that person because I feel magnetized and excited about that person. It makes me wonder if it will be more passionate or I'll be more into it. I have never desired sex, but I can have it for my partner and it feels good when it's happening but I'm not really deeply connected to it and would be happy to never have it again. I have a low libido so I'm hardly ever in the mood but if he initiates then I can get into the mood. Do you relate to any of this or is it different for you? Welcome and best luck with your researching. You'll find out a lot on here and it's an awesome and supportive community.

See, I used to be a lot more active, and have experienced sexual attraction with almost all of my relationships, it's more in my late 20's I've realized I'm less interested in sex, I'm more romantically inclined in a relationship. Kisses and cuddles on the couch sounds MUCH better to me, than a romping session in the bedroom. But like you said, if I'm with someone I can get in the mood, but it's always for my partner, more than it is for me. Sure it feels good, but... I reached out to a trans friend for some help, she sent me a video that helped describe the terms, and when I went to Google armed with my new terminology, I was afraid this was going to be another bust. So far, everyone has been very nice. Thank you everybody, I appreciate the guidance on this adventure... I don't want to go it alone. Hehe

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Kisses and cuddles have always sounded better to me.
Hey, my name is Tymki and I'm a 25 year old grey-ace virgin who's not planning on changing that any time soon. :)

 

I guess I should tell you my journey now, that's the deal?

Well I guess the first time I knew I was a bit different was when I was 15, at school, and someone told me I was 'boring' for not having sex. I'd been with my first boyfriend for over a year already. Of course I denied it, but that was the first time I wondered if there was actually something wrong with me.

Then at University, after two relationships and on my third, my boyfriend's friend took me aside, and in front of everyone we were hanging out with, asked me if we were actually ever going to have sex, because it was unfair to lead him on without ever giving him any results. I had no idea that I was doing anything of the sort. I told him that what me and my boyfriend get up to is none of his business. Thankfully one of my other friends whisked him away and scolded him for saying that. But what he said stuck with me. Was boyfriend #3 a patient saint and was I an ungrateful, selfish girlfriend who couldn't see what I was doing to him?
A few weeks later we got to the point of foreplay before he told me he didn't have any condoms. He asked if we should run out and get some. I said no, without any hesitation. The experience was... boring. Maybe next time, I asked.
There was no next time.

 

I've been single since May 2014. I decided that I had a habit of convincing myself that I loved people instead of actually, truly, loving them. I decided to put the whole relationship thing on hold until I find someone who I actually love, since I've ruined too many good friendships.

 

But anyway, about a year or two ago, I was taking some online quizzes before I took one which said "which sexuality are you?" - my result was asexual. I'd never heard of that term before. I decided to find out more. I looked up lots of stuff online and it seemed that I was a grey-ace (or a grace, for short). I sent the quiz to some of my friends. Some found out that they were aromantic. Some found out they were demisexual. Some just confirmed their suspicions that they were straight. But the more that I read about it, the happier I felt, and the more I discovered things I didn't know about myself. It was great, knowing that what I am actually has a name.

After a while I decided to come out. The results were mostly indifferent, but my Mum said that "I probably haven't found the right person yet". I didn't know if she was right. Tbh, I still don't know. I don't know if having sex magically changes who you are into someone else, and opens up a big door for you, but from what I heard, it doesn't. I also heard that it's overrated. I guess it depends on who you're talking to. But Mum,  she would bring it up now and again, and I would counter that that's like saying to her that she is a lesbian, but she just hasn't found the right woman yet. She just shrugged it off.
But then today, she said that there were communities for asexual people to hang out in. I never even thought of doing that before, but I was happy that she brought it up. Because not only has it shown that my Mum has more respect for what I am, and she actually did some research into the topic, but now it means that I'm really not alone anymore. I have a bunch of people I can talk to anytime, anywhere.

Hello everyone. Nice to meet you. Happy Asexual Awareness Week. ;)

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am just so relieved..........I just came across the term asexuality on Monday this week.   The last couple of days have been totally enlightening to me. I now feel normal ‘for me’.   Like the phrase ‘be the best you can be’ - I now feel ‘whole and normal for me’. Maybe because I’d seen it somewhere in the news being that it’s Asexuality awareness week. I’ve been attending a therapist for the last 6 weeks due to stress and depression. Last week it was pointed out to me that I always brought up the subject of lack of sex in my marriage in the last five minutes of the session. She said it’s because I know the session is ending and I don’t have to stay to talk it over any further. So she said my next session would begin straight away with talking about ‘the elephant in the room’ as I had referred to it as. I was researching on my iPad and came across a site called goodinbed.com

It really didn’t interest me in the least as it was heavily biased to individuals and couples wishing to spice up their sex lives. I came across the term Asexuality in the Good in Bed Glossary of terms. Thank you to that website as it led me to finally finding out that there is nothing wrong with me at all. That my lack of interest in sex is perfectly ok and normal. That I am not a freak who needs to be fixed. Yesterday was my 36th wedding anniversary and we celebrated it with a nice home cooked meal and a basin full of tv not with a rampant bedroom session.  I had been mulling over since Monday whether to open up to my husband that I thought I might be asexual. I was worried about how he might take it but I figured it might actually be a relief to him also in that with all the rejections he often has to suffer from me, he would be comforted in the knowledge that it wasn’t actually personal to him because I didn’t actual desire sex with anyone at all. Today it just came out and I think he used the term asexual before I did. I asked him if he’d been reading my iPad and I believe him when he said no - but that it had been a lot in the news this week and it was obviously something he’d also been reading about. We had a lovely cuddle and I told him how much I missed hugs from him because I didn’t want to lead him on (being as irresistible as I am!).  He said “but you’ve had three babies”. I told him that was because I wanted children obviously. We will now embark on this voyage of discovery together......because nothing has changed between us accept a greater understanding of each other’s needs. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
MiniFairyDragon

Hey :)

I just joined the community, but I have been lurking in the forums for awhile. I'm not very active in communities I guess, I'm a bit insecure ^.^'

 

I came across the term while reading fanfiction and since I questioned myself for some time I did a bit of research on sexuality in general, because...well...

I'm 22, never been in love or attracted to someone and the (forced) dates I had all ended pretty awkward, because I had really no interest in being more than friends or being in a relationship even with only kissing and touching and all that...the thought grosses me out. My mother really wants me to get a boyfriend or something and says it's because of my non-existent social and empathy skills and I should stop being so...boring... that always hurts a bit.

 

When I found out about asexuality I never thought it would fit me so perfectly, I'm still figuring it out but...I'm so, SO glad that there's nothing wrong with me.

I actually cried:blush:

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I have always felt this way, for as long as I can remember, and I guessed it was just me, the odd duck. Not just that I didn't want sex but that I had never had an interest in it.  All my siblings, by the way, are happily married and have kids.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi!

I do feel attracted to people who I think are charismatic, beautiful and fascinating. I don‘t care if male or female. 

It’s nothing sexual though.

 

Sex kan be exciting to me as long as being in love. After a few weeks though I feel bored and the sensation of disgust shows up. Especially body fluids I can’t stand. And here my doubts about myself arose...all my male partners throughout the last years just LOVED that bodily slime. They wanted to ‘taste’ me and expected me to lick them etc., which I felt was just plain disgusting. To me oral sex is as ‘attractive’ as putting my tongue into a pile of poop. 

I also hate kissing as soon as the tongues are involved.

The over sexualized media / seemingly every male around me lets me know I’m just weird and wrong.

My problem is that I am a really romantic person....I’ve had plenty of crushes which, however, didn’t involve the wish for sex. Actually I found the guy extremely attractive as long as not thinking of his dick. My relationships ended pretty soon after the first few weeks (involving sexual encounters). Since I didn’t show interest in sex anymore, and my ‘prince’ obviously only was romantic to get sex with me.

I felt used and kind of diminished.

I am longing for intimacy, cuddling and having a best friend to share life’s up and downs, but this ‘I’ll be with you only if I get sex with you later’ attitude freaks me out. Time after time.

So here I am....

 

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been wondering about  myself for a long time. I'm in my 30's never dated, never felt the need or want to, but always thought I was wrong because of that. All my friends around me went through partners but I always said to myself, as long as one of my friends was still single then I am not weird. But now they all have partners/families and I'm still single. So the question was why?

I started looking at what I wanted, who I was attracted to. Turns out I can find something attractive about anyone, see beautiful people who I just want to look at and admire, but never anyone that I was attracted to so much. I never did (and still don't) understand why sex is so important to people. My best friend can barley go a week without sex and here I am someone who never has had sex nor cares to. I wondered if I was scared of a relationship, I an introverted and could happily be a hermit for 80% of the year, so maybe that's why I wouldn't allow myself to be attracted to someone for fear of giving up my personal space. But the more I read about peoples situations here, the more I am thinking, yep, yep, yes I do that too, yep that as well...I think I am in the right place, I think I just don't get sexually attracted to anyone.

Companionship is a different matter, I would love to have someone in my life who is there for just me for anything, that I can just be around and talk to with no expectation. I don't know how to find someone like that. 

 

That's my story and I am happy to meet all you people who feel a similar way and help me realise that I am normal (for a given value of normal...)

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a great relief reading this thread. I thought it was just me!

 

I'm 39 and haven't been in a serious relationship for a long time.... I'm embarrassed to say just how long! When my university girlfriend and I just saw each other at weekends, it worked okay, but as soon as we moved in together it was a disaster. I just assumed I was some kind of emotionless freak, as well as being useless sexually - it never occurred to me that there are people out there who just aren't very interested in sex. But it does seriously damage your self-esteem, especially if you think you're letting the other person down and not giving them what they need. It's taken me a long time to start coming to terms with it - nice to hear from people who are in the same boat!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Slanty said:

I've been wondering about  myself for a long time. I'm in my 30's never dated, never felt the need or want to, but always thought I was wrong because of that. All my friends around me went through partners but I always said to myself, as long as one of my friends was still single then I am not weird. But now they all have partners/families and I'm still single. So the question was why?

 

I'm double your age, and have never dated, never wanted to. My best friend, by the way, is married, and his wife knows she can trust me around him.....I'm safe. I consider him my brother.

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi!

 

Just thought I'd drop in and say 'hi', which I did. Ok. Um.... I'm in the same boat as a lot of ya; super happy to find a forum, 27 and never dated cause the idea of it all just doesn't appeal, plus the whole getting super awkward and blushing and rambling about things like socks and how I ramble when I'm uncomfortable whenever someone tries to kiss me doesn't help. Never had a crush on anyone, I've accidentally rejected far too many people (it's an art), and I'm pretty sure I have a closer relationship with bread than any non-friend/family significant other.

 

So yeah, just a bit introverted, could totes be a hermit with my cats except that I occasionally get lonely/realize that I'm going crazy talking to my cats and should interact with some real people. Like in a "lets get coffee and wander the bookstore for three hours" kinda way. While I talk about my cats.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

I completely understand your hermit like status and walking book stores and talking about cats. I do that frequently, but more in sitting in my friends house with a cup of tea talking about all of our cats!!

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd say I didn't feel anything or had any strong opinions about it.  I knew that it was a thing and could nearly work out the stats in my head of the prevalence.  I made the connections 15 or 16 years ago.  It wasn't really news.  I was happy to find that the internet has given us the opportunity to meet people experiencing similar feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ive known this for the longest time but never knew, until the last few years, there was a name for it. Felt like I was the only one. I have actually opened up to a few friends about it and they've all laughed it off and told me to "not be stupid."  So to finally find this place is a huge relief!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Right now, I like the idea of sex, but having sex with anyone real, with an actual person, is the ultimate squick. So I first started contemplating asexuality like three months ago when I realized that I was having a crush on someone, then promptly realized I really didn't want to bang him, then realized I didn't want to date him either. Really he's just nice and I want to be friends with him. So after a lot of introspection, I figured out that I'm probably aroace. A lot of puzzle pieces fell into place, like how I can't derive sexual feelings from just looking at someone's body, or how I've never really had a crush. It's super exciting and I really want to find ace people in real life. This forum is a first step.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/1/2012 at 5:58 PM, watergoddesskasey said:

I feel that because I don't want sex that I will never find that special someone and I will be alone forever. I feel this constant pressure from family to not be a virgin at my age but i dont want sex. Whats so great about something people can do themselves any way? I feel like the weird freak of the family and I am constantly being pressured to go on dates but I always have this nagging fear that they are going to get handsy,or try something. What can I do?! :(

My situation is almost exact. My entire family puts pressure on me, not as badly as perhaps you, it seems like it is more stressful for you, to have children and get married and blah. That scene is not for me. I might be down for marriage one day, if I'm going to be honest, but that will not be for a very long time because it takes me too long to get to know someone and be comfortable enough with them to touch them without feeling physically ill. I am the last one in my family that is still a virgin, and I understand and feel the exact same way, "What's so great about something people can do themselves anyway?" 

 

I don't like going on dates because guys often think it is okay to hold my hand, hug me, kiss me, etc. And even when I tell them, "No...not interested in that. I am ace. I don't feel the same way about things as you do." Even when they say they understand, I think they want to try to change my mind and be "the right one" ...the one that fixes me. I have never felt that way, no one should make anyone feel that way, and you should never feel that way.

 

My advice is to embrace who are you. Love yourself, be yourself and if/when people got problems, tell them to eat it.

 

This verse was read to me last Sunday. It is very helpful for this situation, and I hope it helps you like it helps me.

 

The word of the LORD came unto me, saying,

 

Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and

before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified

thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

 

Then said I, I cannot speak: for I am a child.

 

But He said unto me, Say not, I am a child:

for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and

whatsoever I command thee shalt speak.

 

                - Jeremiah 1:4-7

 

Live like you are who he made you to be <3 

 

And that applies to anyone else who feels the same way, cause this was years ago. XD <3

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello.

 

Ronald is my middle name, lol.

 

I have decided that I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Still working out where, trying to understand the information and definitions.

 

I probably won't post much, but, here I am.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad

Hi.

I dont really know how to start but I kind of feel like writing this. "Telling" someone. 

I would like to say I discovered Im asexual not long ago. But this wouldn't be completly true. I knew the term "asexual" for quite a long time. Always thought this would mean not being able to love someone in another way then you "love" your friends/family. Never being able to think about having a partner. (i can think of it. I can also think running around and shooting people. I want to stress I DO NOT plan or want to do any of this!) I knew I am not interested in sex or kissing someone. But I never thought of this as unusual. At least not if I compare this to nearly all my friends. We are about 18 (+/- 1 year) and a couple is still THE news of the month. So, i am sure that if I tell them the reaction will be like "ok. Nice to know. Can we keep talking about Assassins Creed/ communism/ cats/ etc.?"

 

To be honest: so many situations other told here remind me of myself. One friend already suggested i could be asexual. The few tests i made say I am.

But I cant stop fearing that i am just a freak, not someone who belongs to a rather small but nevertheless existing group of people.

Is there ever a moment when I will be 100% sure I am part of a group i want to be part of?

 

 

 

If you find any spelling or grammatic mistakes you can keep them :P

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, I'm Soraya and I'm still trying to figure things out. I've been carrying this around with me for a while now and I don't know if I'm entirely in the right place, but I would put me on the ace spectrum (though more in the gray area I guess), so I just, I don't know, maybe share this mess in my head?

 

I never really had that "wow-everything-just-fell-into-place" Moment.

I grew up very sheltered, my family never really talked about sex or anything (well, apart from "Don't do it until you're married", yes, my family is very religious), it just never really came up. There wasn't really much space to be anything else than straight, and I never questioned it.

I've had 2 relationships, and I've had sex with both my partners and it was a not exactly little part of both relationships. But it was never as I expected and I didn't get the hype about sex, and that people sometimes seemed like they couldn't hold onto themselves and just jumped into bed without even thinking about it (I guess some of it is also the media? I don't know.)

During my last relationship, through a lot of talking with my boyfriend, I realised that he needed/wanted sex way more than I did. While I said I could do a relationship without sex or at least pauses where we wouldn't have sex, he said he couldn't imagine that. Around the same time I started reading up on sexualities, I've read some stories (fanfiction, yes, I know, I'm a bit of a crazy fangirl...) with gay couples and transgender people and so on. And one day i stumbled upon a story, where the main character was asexual and I was curious, because I never heard about it before, and so I researched and realized that most of the description actually fit. I've felt sexual attraction, but only once my entire life, so I know what it feels like and can definitly say that I more than usually do not have it. I don't know, maybe the fact that I felt sexual attraction once does make me sexual. I don't know. I'm confused. As I said I still try to figure things out and that is one of the reasons I signed up here, in the hopes to find nice people to talk to about this thing that is sexuality.

 

Okay, I'm just going to post this now, and, well, wish you guys a great day.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi all. New here and new to, well all of this. But for the first time, let me say, I am asexual. 

 

I've been doing a lot of reading and everytime I come across a post or website or meme about asexuality, I go "OMG, that's me. So me." and it's been so good to know that there are others that think and feel like me. I'm still figuring out where I sit on the spectrums (I think demi-hetero, bi-romantic?) 

 

I'm not "out" with anyone in my life, although a friend half jokingly suggested I was ace so I don't think talking to her is going to be a thing. 

 

For the minute I'm so happy to be reading stuff that makes me feel validated and OK for the first time in years. And my aceness can just stay between us for now. 

 

Oh, and I bought cake :cake:. Hope that's OK... :D

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Chrissy Noelle

I first really heard and understood the term while reading a slice of life webcomic called Hoi Butt! It's the adventures of a married couple and the husband's personality just kept on making me think "Wow! Another person who just wants cuddles and isn't all over sex!" And then his wife explained to the readers that he was asexual and I thought "Whaaaa? So that's asexuality? Does that mean I might be too?"

And I started further questioning. I'm not 100% sure yet but I'm leaning towards the idea I may be ace.

Link to post
Share on other sites
darkfantasy90

Hey guys :)

I can't really say for sure when I first started noticing that I thought about sex and relationships differently to that of my friends. It was only really when a couple friends made comments in passing about my lack of a sex drive and my desire to not be in a relationship. This has occurred only over the past couple years and it is only recently that I have cared enough to look up anything about it. It did used to upset me that I did not desire sex like everyone else but I just assumed that I had yet to meet the right person. I haven't told anyone about my thoughts and feelings before; I don't know how to bring it up in conversation with my friends. It's not that I am embarrassed or ashamed of it as it's just part of who I am; I just can't find the courage to tell others. Most friends will already be able to guess I imagine because I have been this way for years and the relationships I had previously always ended to due my inability to communicate and be social at all free times of everyday. I can imagine nothing worse though :o I can go days without talking to each friend/family member and they all understand that. I know they won't reject me or anything like that, hell I have a couple of friends who are gay and accepting of all but even to them I can't get the words out. I'm so glad I found this website as I now know that I am not alone in my asexuality and there is nothing wrong with my thoughts and feelings

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Will try to keep this short and sweet. Have always thought something was wrong with me in the head. Almost 40 and still a virgin, uncomfortable with the opposite sex. Didn't realize there were degrees/types of asexuality.  

Bittersweet news to realize I fall on the spectrum. Elated to know I'm not crazy. Heartbroken to think might possibly be alone for the rest of my life.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello, I'm new here and dropped by to say hi!

 

Please treat me kindly, I'm extremely new but at the same time very excited to finally find people who share my experience! I might not be just a crazy person for not seeing why sex is a 'thing' after all :D

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Hyoshiki said:

Hello, I'm new here and dropped by to say hi!

 

Please treat me kindly, I'm extremely new but at the same time very excited to finally find people who share my experience! I might not be just a crazy person for not seeing why sex is a 'thing' after all :D

Of course we'll treat you kindly! We love newbies! Welcome! Write me any time!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Hyoshiki said:

Hello, I'm new here and dropped by to say hi!

 

Please treat me kindly, I'm extremely new but at the same time very excited to finally find people who share my experience! I might not be just a crazy person for not seeing why sex is a 'thing' after all :D

Welcome and :cake: !

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I figured it out when I got my first boyfriend(I felt like I had  to have a boyfriend sometime during high school or that would be sad). I turned down a ridiculous amount of people before that, so many that the first person who asked me out this year was nervous because I have a reputation, apparently, for turning people down.

 

In middle school, I figured that it was too much drama and I was too young for things like that. I didn’t understand how girls in middle school-my  classmates, my peers-could get pregnant before they were even in high school. I still don’t, but I don’t judge them. Anyways, I found myself looking up things like “How do you know if you’re attracted to somebody” and when nothing but how to know if other people were attracted to you popped up, I began having doubts. Suddenly, like a miracle, I found a book in the library called Tash Hearts Tolstoy, And it reminded me of asexuality and here I am. I was so happy!

 

(of course, the first time I heard about it earlier this year, I had a mini-breakdown because everything I thought I knew, I actually didn’t. Something happened, I was convinced I wasn’t, then I forgot about it and remembered later)

 

Anyone else have a similar experience? Just curious. Sorry this is so long! 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...