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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


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MakeupJunkie4
2 hours ago, Robertico said:

I am new here.  I am basically asexual, but not by birth or choice.  Several years ago, I developed serious pelvic pain which made sex very painful.  Later, I had my prostate surgically removed due to medical issues, which left me completely impotent.  I originally tried about a dozen remedies for erectile dysfunction, but nothing worked and the pain was even worse after the surgery.  So, as a result, I am not able to have sex.  My history and my pain have made me unable to have sex and have left me with a nearly nonexistent libido.  This is a drastic change for a man who started out as a regular heterosexual.  And maybe I do not exactly fit the criteria for being asexual.  Nevertheless, I can relate to people who do not want or cannot have sex, no matter the reason.  Over the years, I have participated in other forums where I have met people who simply chose an asexual lifestyle.  There is a lot of attention and talk about same-sex attraction, and plenty more attention given to sexual attraction in the straight community, but I really haven't seen anything devoted to asexuality until I found this site.  The irony here (and I am only guessing) is that asexuality is likely more prevalent than what anyone can imagine.  I am also guessing that being asexual is much more common than being homosexual, though I admit I could be completely wrong about this.  Either way,  I would like to meet some new friends (or at least hear from people) who deal with asexuality in this overtly sexual world in which we now live.

Hi and welcome! I agree with you. I think it's much more prevalent than we realize. It's not like there's much research or studies, but it seems likely that there's a lot of people out there who are having sex just because they think they're supposed to, or they feel like if they admit they'd rather not, there's something wrong with them. Hopefully more awareness can be raised! Glad you're here! 👍😊👍🍰♠ 

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I always assumed I was straight, but the desire for sex never showed up. I really accepted myself when I watched Ash Hardell's video called something like "Everything Asexual and Aromantic | The ABCs of LGBT". 

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CJcassandra
4 hours ago, Rhyme said:

I always assumed I was straight, but the desire for sex never showed up. I really accepted myself when I watched Ash Hardell's video called something like "Everything Asexual and Aromantic | The ABCs of LGBT". 

i always assumed I was straight as well. I got to the habit of when people asked if I like girls I said no and they would say I like guys and I said no. Now I recognize that I am heteromantic asexual.

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I was excited when I discovered the world of asexuality. Everything suddenly made sense, and it was a relief to know that something wasn't wrong with me. Coming out has been a little difficult, and very aggravating. My friends from highschool were the only ones who were understanding and agreed with what I was saying. My ex on the other hand was more closed minded, and that hurt me.

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CJcassandra

So for some reason I decided to tell my mother about this (I'm an adult, I'm just normally a very private message person) and she said "when I was growing up that was not ready to have sex," when she is lesbian. Should i tell her she just hasn't found the right man for her, yet? It is difficult to have everyone think there's something wrong with me.

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I realized I was aro ace a couple months ago, I knew I was "weird", but I assumed I was straight regardless because I was aesthetically attracted to certain men. I was a bit sad to realize I wasn't straight AND somewhat apart of the LGBT+ community, it was a bit of a whammy. I have nothing against LGBT but I never thought I would be apart of it, because I had never had any of the typical situations that LGBT go through, part of the problem is because I was raised in a Southern Baptist home as well....idk anymore, I'm still a bit shook.

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On 5/12/2017 at 7:17 PM, Jenna444 said:

Hi and welcome! I agree with you. I think it's much more prevalent than we realize. It's not like there's much research or studies, but it seems likely that there's a lot of people out there who are having sex just because they think they're supposed to, or they feel like if they admit they'd rather not, there's something wrong with them. Hopefully more awareness can be raised! Glad you're here! 👍😊👍🍰♠ 

Thanks so much for your reply.  I agree that some people are likely trying to "belong" and they want emotional/mental intimacy and maybe they don't want physical intimacy or don't feel ready, but they play along because they hope to find true intimacy by participating in what mainstream culture dictates that they should do in order to find love or fulfillment.  However, this "formula" doesn't exactly work for the majority of couples and it can lead to some painful after effects.  

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On 5/10/2017 at 1:43 PM, Mystery828 said:

Am I the only one that's really nervous about actually using the term asexual as my identity? Almost like I'm trying to deny it/justify it in my mind, I don't know. I doubt myself very often.

I myself do not use the term to identify my sexuality because I think most people fail to understand (though we can certainly explain).  I also have a lot of self-doubts.  I think you should only use the term when you are ready and only with people with whom you think are ready.  It doesn't have to be an all or nothing announcement and, in truth, it's not really anyone's business either.  I suppose I am somewhat private in my personal life and I may have trust issues in general.  I feel like it's okay to keep it to yourself for as long as you desire, or to share it with someone you know will understand when you feel the time is right.  I am new here and I'm trying to understand what it's like to live a life without sex as I once knew it.  I have shared my new "identity" with a few close friends and they have been supportive, but I do not share with very many people.  For example, I have a facebook profile, but I would never talk about my new life/identity openly in a public post.  I just feel that people aren't ready for that sort of thing.  Then again, for some (maybe you) it could be empowering to get your message out there.  It all depends on your current emotional state and your frame of mind and what you want to achieve by sharing and expressing your identity.  Obviously some people are going to appreciate your openness and honesty and candidness, but others will not understand.  I suppose it's a pros versus cons thing.  Maybe there are people who really need your voice and maybe only you can help them through what they are feeling because maybe they don't understand who they are yet.  It's okay to be vulnerable when you are ready, but you have to be ready (unfortunately there are unkind souls who may not be supportive and may not understand so you have to look out for yourself too).  In summary, I think there are people in your life who might benefit from you sharing, but I would be very selective and really consider your gut feeling or intuition before sharing.  Also, consider how best to share.  There are different ways of presenting this and it doesn't have to be all at once.  It can be in "baby steps" and one little amount of information at a time, etc.

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I'm honestly, not sure what to say. I've never felt "Broken" i guess that's just my upbringing, my parents were really open-minded. But.... I've sat here trying to think of something to type, but i can't find a damn thing that i'm sure about. At first I thought I was "normal" str8, mainly because i do actually enjoy, and am aroused by, hetero porn. But in real life, i'm not all that intrested in women( I am a guy). But during a few parties in highschoool, i ended up in bed with a friend of mine(female), and i can't really say i enjoyed it.... after that i realized i was actually more intrested in looking at and got along better with men...not really sure about anything, but i ended up "coming out" as gay to some of my family.... but having just recently "been" with a childhood friend of mine(male)... it wasn't any better for me. And now i'm kind of at a loss.       It's not that i didn't feel any sexual atraction.... but looking back, neither time is something i want to repeat....    ...    ....    i sat here for almost an hour trying to think of something else to say, but in the end i'm still confused. I don't know what to tell my own friends, nevermind my family. When pressed i still just say i'm gay... mainly because they stop asking at that point.... still haven't talked to my siblings or parents about this. 

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I just researched Asexuality a couple of days ago and was so surprised, excited, kinda confused, happy and honestly a bit scared at how well it fit me. It feels like I have had to play a role my whole life when it came to my sexuality. Mostly because I didn't know that being asexual was a thing or how to describe my lack of interest in having sex. Learning about being asexual and this community has changed the way I think about myself and has opened up an entirely new future that I would never have thought possible.

 

I'm still working through the tangle of old thoughts and beliefs that have shaped my worldview till now, but I can say with all sincerity that this discovery has changed my life forever.

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CJcassandra

It has changed the way I think of myself, too. It's amazing how it does seem like playing a role and finally getting to be myself

 

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CJcassandra

This may seem random and stupid and obvious. I never did that stereotypical waiting for a goodnight kiss. Actually I avoided it.

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I wish I knew who this person was. If they are on AVEN, I hope they read this. I was sitting in one of my favorite North Texas Teen Book Festival panels: Reading the Rainbow. They thankfully added even more time for Q&A this year and a teen asked the panel what the A in LGBTQA+ stood for. When a panelists answered that it stood for Asexual, the teen asked for elaboration. As no one on the panel identified as Asexual, the audience was given an opportunity to respond and someone did. This person stood up and opened my eyes to the non-binary nature of asexuality. As soon as I heard the words Gray-Ace, I was gone. Lost to the world and deep in my phone searching Urban Dictionary and other less-dubious online sources for MORE INPUT. That's the day I found AVEN, actually. March 4, 2017. I wish I could thank that person. If you are reading this, I thank you now. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

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When I first heard about asexuality, it was such an "ah-ha" moment.  It made me realize that there was a word to describe how I had always felt.  Because I love to learn, off to the internet I went, trying to find more and more information about this thing called asexuality.  That's where I dicovered AVEN.  It had been so awesome to read and discover and learn that I am not alone and that there is an entire community of people out there that I can connect with.  I am so happy I found this place!

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I would like to give a big welcome to all of our new members!!! Welcome to, AVEN! :cake: Thank you all for sharing your stories with us. : )) And I hope you all enjoy being members!!!

 

Now, for some more helpful information about the site, in addition to my welcome (and cake):

 

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 

Related image

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On 5/19/2017 at 8:18 PM, CJcassandra said:

It has changed the way I think of myself, too. It's amazing how it does seem like playing a role and finally getting to be myself

 

I agree with this so much.  I hadn't realized how much of my actions and the way I was picturing the future was a role that social norms was telling me was what I was supposed to be and that I wasn't being me.  For me, discovering asexuality brought a short rollercoaster of denial, questioning, a ton of research, more questioning on if it even fit, more research, and finally acceptance.  I wasn't even looking into my (a)sexuality when I ran across sexuality, I had a line of research I was doing that took a tangent.  Once I reached acceptance, it felt like a burden/stress had been lifted that I didn't even know I had or was feeling.  I'm still figuring out where I sit on the romantic spectrum, but that's something that I feel like I've got time to figure out.

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CJcassandra

That's amazing and I know how that feels. For me it felt like finally stretching after being squashed in a social box that didn't suit me.

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Stripes840
On 11/26/2012 at 3:27 PM, SmplyM3 said:

I guess I was born this way. My mind always thought about sex as something only married people would do just to have kids. I never viewed it as a pleasurable experience.

Literally, same. I never understood anything related to sex (including condoms, I mean, sex is to make kids, so why would you want something to prevent that?) and, even after I learned about asexuality, still find all that stuff highly puzzling.

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I'm in high school, and the idea of sex has always scared the crap out of me. When I was in middle school, I had a subconscious countdown where I would say,"Okay. I'm 13. I have to be sexually active in five years. That's what's normal and what everyone else does. It's not going to be pleasant, but that's what's normal." But as those five years came to an end and I realized I still didn't want sex or feel interested in sex, (or even comprehend myself having sex in the future) I did research on asexuality because I didn't know what it actually was. This was not even a week ago, but as I did my research I smiled and felt this "click" moment. I was in the middle of a library and I just wanted to scream, "IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!" I immediately embraced it. I was even happier when I realized that asexuals can be in relationships and get married and have kids because that's what I was initially worried about. I am a hopeless romantic (key word being romantic) and I thought asexuality would affect that. I was wrong!

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miepmuisje

I've always been really confused about my sexuality. When I was younger I would look at women's bodies and at the time I was 'afraid' that I might be a lesbian. However, I never really looked at women in a sexual way, just the 'oh, so that's what my body is gonna look like' kind of way. I think. That part of my sexuality still confuses me sometimes. But I've never had romantic feelings for a girl before, so I'm guessing I'm straight. I'm willing to try though. I'm rambling. 

 

Anyway, last December I had my first kiss. I remember thinking 'is this really it? I thought there were supposed to be fireworks!' The guy and I started dating and eventually that led to having sex (He had previously stated that he wanted to and at this point, I was really curious about having sex, so I actually initiated it (I had had a few drinks, so did he)). The first few times, it really hurt, so I blamed me not enjoying it all too much on that. However, I could never really enjoy it. This part of an article I found online really captures what I felt (http://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-2-about-sex): 

 

Perhaps you physically enjoy sex.  Maybe you like making your partner feel good.  There are things you might really like about sex, but at the same time, there’s something missing.  When you watch your partner’s reactions, it’s clear that there’s something there that you’re not feeling.  It’s impossible to put your finger on it, but you know there’s something there.  Some intangible spark is behind their eyes, and you’re acutely aware that spark is missing in your eyes.

 

We stopped dating and it made me really doubt myself. Was there anything wrong with me? Most of my friends are either in a happy relationship or had never had sex before, so it was hard to talk about, also because I wasn't really sure what I was feeling myself. Research taught me that there are more people feeling the same way. We are not broken. There is nothing wrong with us and even if some people do think they're broken: broken isn't the same as unfixable. So now I am a proud asexual, and who knows, maybe someday there will be a knight in shining armour that can make me re-evaluate. For now, life is good as it is. No guys, no sex, no complications. It just took some other people to show me that happily ever after doesn't always include a prince. 

 

Rant over.

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miepmuisje
14 minutes ago, Scribbles said:

 I was even happier when I realized that asexuals can be in relationships and get married and have kids because that's what I was initially worried about. I am a hopeless romantic (key word being romantic) and I thought asexuality would affect that. I was wrong!

1

That was my biggest issue too!

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Hi! I'm new to the site and just found this part of the forum. :) I am so freakin' happy to find that there is a community like this to help us new to the whole asexuality spectrum!

Growing up, I never understood why people would say 'so-and-so is hot' or 'isn't so-and-so cute' or whatever. I just didn't see it. That's not to say that I didn't have relationships, I did, but as I got older the idea of relationships just seemed more and more like a chore, to be honest. At one point I thought my problem was that I needed to just get laid, that it was just sexual frustration and my problems would be solved if I got laid, except for one problem: I didn't find anyone that I wanted to have sex with. There was always something about them that would eventually make me go 'nah, I'm good'. Now, I've moved across country and I'm finding that since my move, I'm far more comfortable with myself and began exploring the possibilities of not being heterosexual/heteroromantic. And after finding this site thanks to a Facebook page that directed me here, I think I finally understand: I'm demi/gray-asexual with pan-demi-aromantic tendencies. It's still so new that I'm not completely sure, and for all I know it may change later on in life as well, but this seems to fit the me now, and the me that was younger. It's just so nice to finally find a place where people aren't telling me that I just need to 'try more sex' or 'get more experience' or 'you just haven't found the right guy yet' because none of that might be true.

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It was a bit of an aha! moment for me as well. A lot of things started making sense, fell into place. And then, today I came across a post here, talking about "sensual attraction" and the AHA was so loud, I scared the cat (or I would have, if I had a cat ;))

 

As a newcomer, do I get a piece of the action? And by the action I mean that cake? (even if I'm somewhat a-chocosexual too :rolleyes:)

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2 hours ago, Solovei said:

As a newcomer, do I get a piece of the action? And by the action I mean that cake?

Welcome! Have some more :cake: (non-chocolate it you like)

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JetsetLifeKilledMe

I had read about asexuality before but never really thought about it much until i realized when talking with my brother and realized that, oh my god, when people find other peoples body's attractive they can actually want to have sex with them!? Even if they've only just seen said person walking past in the street!? Like, what?? Yes, I was extremely surprised and tried to ask my friend what sexual attraction feels like... didn't go down great...

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It was weird realizing I was asexual. I must have been 16 in the 6th form library and we started talking about sex and masturbating and girls/boys. Listening to these stories I realized I can’t relate to anybody in the room. I’ve never thought about sex or felt the lust to masturbate or understand the attraction of another person. I mean I knew the details and could joke along.

I spent weeks after this thinking why I didn’t think about these things. These are the conclusions I came to…

  1. My parents never talked about sex. I’m not even sure if they’ve had sex. They love eachother deeply yes but I have no idea.
  2. I’ve always had other things (and still do). My youth was filled with rugby and football and cricket and choir and science and maths and reading. My day was wake up, eat, school, do something, go to bed. To me I never thought to fit masturbation or porn or any of that into this lovely day to day.
  3. I hate going anywhere near down below. I mean wee and poo comes out down there. Unless I have to wash it (which even then reluctant) I keep my hands from anywhere near there as it’s such a filthy place.
  4. It hasn’t hindered my life. I can still interact, play cricket, joke, learn without the need to have sex. I don’t even feel the need to label myself asexual as it really isn’t important.

I hope this helps you get an insight into the mind of one asexual.

P.S the one thing I still dream about is having a child. Knowing I don’t have to have sex to do that is also a nice relief as an ace

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CJcassandra

I can definitely relate to that. I had even decided that before I decided to call myself Asexual. That was about accepting that I don't want it and that's okay to me. I felt weird that I never "understood when I was older" the way everyone says you will when you're a child.

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Hi guys - I never even thought to join something like this but I suppose today is the day.  I feel I am still trying to figure myself out.  I'm 33 so now's the time yah? Thank you for being here :)  I have been in a lot of heterosexual relationships and a couple homosexual relationships.  I currently am in a comfortable long term gay (6 year going) relationship with my girlfriend.  In my life I have experienced sexual desire.  VERY infrequently, but it has happened.  Maybe twice/three times and to be honest I recall it being with one specific person.  However I feel I do not need sex in my life..ever. I'm fine and content everyday without it.  I'm a workaholic and a workout-aholic and as long as I can do that everyday I'm fine.  This has been a huge source of struggle and stress for me in my current relationship with a girl I Iove (who just so happens to be VERY sexually needy).. "I'm not a good enough girlfriend, I don't do enough..what else can I do to over-compensate for what she's lacking being with me..."  It's hurts me everyday to know my girlfriend wants more and that I just don't want that.  I never know what to do so I try to do EVERYTHING else for her, etc. I'm aware of this and work on it but I just don't know if maybe there is more to me just not wanting to have sex and if so maybe she needs to find someone who does..  I'm not sure of how to really tell her about this as I don't think she knows there is an orientation called ASEXUAL as it is even still new for me...being one maybe..and..joining only today.  Is anyone else in a situation like me and what have you done/how have you handled?  

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