I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[Vicky Angel]

Hi new to the site, discovered I am asexual about 8 months ago and have just been coming to terms with it.  Only a handful of friends know right now so I just want to feel more comfortable before I start telling everyone.  Any advise?

[IThinkIveBeenTellingLies]

I was relieved in a way but also worried in a way. Because labels scares me in a way but it also is SO NICE TO HAVE THEM. I have many thoughts going on in my mind. And I've been going on and off wether I want to say that I identify as asexual, but honestly inside it feels so good to identify as such. I feel like I actually am something, and this community is extremely important. I am very hesitant of coming out to friends, I don't want them to view me differently. 

[Kazbe]

When I first heard about asexuality, I had a deep gut feeling that I belonged. Then my brain stepped in and I went through a few months of doubt because there were a few things about me that didn't seem to fit (I wrote about this in the Welcome lounge so I won't repeat it).

 

But now I'm back to that deep gut feeling and it feels so good. 

[KayJenTel]

I've done a lot of discovering who I am over the past couple of years but it wasn't till recently that I sat down and talked with an old friend who had recently started identifying as asexual that I realised I might be too. She told me that there is an asexual spectrum and about being demisexual which was something I had never heard of before (aside from one post on FB that joked about the term and it's definition and kind of made me feel stupid until I learned that it is actually a thing) and it sounded like the way I've felt my entire life. I've only just started looking into it myself but it feels kind of nice to know that I'm not alone. That the people who bugged me in highschool telling me I had to have a crush on someone, until I made one up, were wrong, not everyone feels that way.

[rayngel]

Hi I'm new here!  My first reaction wasn't really "Phew, I'm not broken", it was more "Wait, everyone else isn't like this?" Because I naturally assumed that everyone else thought how I did. Anytime anyone said anything kind of relating to sexual attraction I thought they were joking, or that it was just a figure of speech. After a while I did think "oh, maybe I'm still too young, I'll probably grow out of it", late bloomer type feeling, but now I know that I might not and that is fine too

[Hetaera]

I don't know what's wrong but i am new to this and i don't feel very good about it.When i first heard about asexuality i felt bad because it meant that this is probably not some hormonal imbalance that should be fixed as i had thought before and that i am stuck being like this possibly forever.My negative feelings towards asexuality probably come from the fact that i have had crushes on people in the past  and it was great but at some point i just stopped having them and i feel kind of deprived of the experience.Furthermore,since i am still romantic i am worried now that my already slim chances of meeting someone have been crushed since very few people would agree with participating in a sexless relationship.I would reallly like to hear other people's thoughts on this.

[ZMT]

i'm very new to the site (i just joined today!) but i'm so glad it's here! i very recently started identifying as asexual, because i honestly didn't realize there was anything "wrong" with me. i didn't even notice i was different until i found out that ALL of my friends have had sex, and i never have. then i thought "why not? am i actually not gay (i've identified as lesbian since high school)" no, men didn't turn me on. "okay...what about the women i've had crushes on?" better, but still no desire for sex. "okay, what next?" i actually found this site by reading a fanfiction, of all things! and it's a perfect fit  it feels like a surreal version of cinderella!

[Bea Tielas]

Is there such a thing as 'asexual tendencies'? Because I'm not o

[annavan18]

I discovered I was asexual about a year ago, and I'm still coming to terms with it. It's weird because I had never even heard of asexuality until I came across this website, and once I learned more about it, I knew that it fit me perfectly. At first, it was a huge relief. It was like I had discovered another part of myself, and it felt really good. It's hard, though, because so many people don't understand it and don't want to understand it. It's okay, though, I guess. I just keep telling myself that as long as I'm happy with who I am, then nothing else really matters.

[Astrid_is_Ace]

I know I'm young (15) but I already have many regrets in my life. Here's a big one

 

A year ago, I was in the eighth grade. Me and one of my best friends, a boy I'll call Arlo, slowly came to the realization that we both liked each other, a lot, actually. Cliché, I know, and trust me, I hate clichés, but it's the way it was. The first few months of our relationship were primarily over phone since it was summer, and we both traveled, went to camp, etc. I had never been in a relationship before, and I loved it. I loved feeling comforted and, well, loved by another person as something more than platonic.

 

At about month three or so, Arlo and I started getting into more conversations surrounding sexual matters. I didn't have any problems with these talks, figuring 'well we're fourteen, this is the kind of stuff a fourteen year old boy thinks about, we're gonna talk about it at some point, yada yada yada.' We discovered things about each other the old fashion way: truth or dare. Of course, neither of us ever asked a dare, we stuck to truths. Things like: have you ever masturbated? have you watched porn? Typical teenage questions. Seeing that my answers to both of these questions were yes, I didn't think to much of it, even though I don't like porn, and masturbation was more of a "i'm bored, let's see if this works this time" kind of thing. I notice now in hindsight that I didn't really want to answer any of those questions about myself, or even really have my questions answered. If I did, it was purely out of the curiosity of understanding the complex mind of the teenage boy. But I wasn't who I am now back then, so we continue.

 

After a few weeks of these talks, Arlo asks the ever omnipresent question: would you ever send nudes? Now, even before realizing I was asexual, sending nudes was never something I wanted to do. So I told him just that. But Arlo kept pushing the question, so eventually he got a maybe out of me, but I swore nothing more. Time goes on, Arlo keeps pushing, and so I reluctantly agree. We exchange some photos, and I felt... odd. I wasn't turned on, like I thought I should be, it was more like "ok, that's a penis," and that's about it. My reactions were once again of of curiosity. I remember waking up the next morning after that. I felt sick. Just thinking about what I had done, after saying no so many times. Being angry at myself for giving in, hating what I had done, realizing that it did feel wrong. I felt exploited. So I told Arlo, and he took it well, said he wouldn't ask anymore, said he understood.

But he didn't stick to that. He asked me again for photos, for sexting, and I felt bad saying no to this boy who I loved. So I did it. And the next morning, I would wake up and feel bad all over again. No matter how many times I told myself to stop giving in to this, knowing how wrong and off it felt to be doing it, there was the part of me that screamed "he won't love you anymore if you stop."

 

Digital turned into physical, and physical was even worse. I can't even go to some places in my school now where we would sneak off to in order for me to give him a hand job, or for him to take my shirt off. While I was doing all this stuff I hated, I just kept telling myself to like it, to at least do it for him, but each time it got harder and harder to keep pretending that it was something I liked. I started doing research, and found asexuality via the internet. I had known the term, but never thought it applied to me. As I read peoples stories and, yes i admit, took some online quizzes (cringe), I realized that this is who I am. A girl that doesn't like sex or practically anything leading up to it, feels uncomfortable with nudity, but still loves people romantically. After hiding my findings for a little while, I finally came out to Arlo. He was extremely understanding, apologized profusely for everything, promised to cuddle and kiss me (which I love) as much as I wanted and to stay away from all sex-related things.

 

But that only lasted for so long. Once again, Arlo fell into the pattern of asking me to do these things because "we haven't in so long and he loves it so much" and of course I said yes because I loved him and I figured that by doing these things, I was making him happy. I remember one specific time at my house where he moved my hand down to his crotch, my signal to do all that stuff, and I started crying. I could honestly punch myself. I don't know how I thought that anyone, knowing my sexual orientation, would ask me to do those things out of love. I know that Arlo loved me, but, to be honest, he could be a real jerk in the "understanding-what-it-means-for-your-girlfriend-to-be-asexual" department.

 

Arlo and I are no longer together thankfully, and I have to say I am much happier. Having that kind of pressure to do things that make me so uncomfortable lifted has just made me feel lighter. I am out to my friends, who are basically all accepting, but I am not yet out to my family. My mother still thinks that asexuality means you're either a plant or don't exist, so it's hard to say when, if ever, I will come out to her. But for now, I am very thankful to my friends, and I would love to help anyone who has been in either similar or completely different situations as me. Thanks for letting me share

 

Hugs and Cuddles, Astrid (your neighborhood ace girl)

[LiaWolf]

... I discovered I'm asexual, maybe graysexual today and... well, I'm scared. I'm scared that something's wrong with me for being this way, that I'm somehow broken, that I'll never be able to have a relationship with someone because I do not want sex at all ever. I'm terrified that the amazing guy I have a crush on will be disgusted by me. I don't know what to do. An online friend sent me this link, and so I'm trying it out. Sorry to be such a downer, but...

[Krakennicole]

LiaWolf-I really wish, as a gray-leaning-on-aro-heteroromantic, that I could tell you to forget them, if they're disgusted by you or whatever then you can do better, but I understand that it's often not that easy. 

I promise you, you are not broken and there is nothing wrong with you. I was very recently in a similar boat, but I have realized the person that I was thinking of dating is just my best friend and I like it better that way. I recommend you befriend this person first, try to get a read on his (?) personality. If you become close friends, you may find that's all you want out of him. 

That's my two cents. Welcome to AVEN!

Astrid- good for you! I'm glad to hear that you're not with him anymore. Additionally, remind your mother that some plants do have sex.

 

[Emily6748]

I'm new, only known about being asexual a short time. I feel angry with myself for not realising this until now when I'm in my 40's. I have blamed myself for every relationship breakup and my marriage failing. Although a lot of it was due to incompatibility in sex, I still didn't realise my own feelings around sex. It has only become clear to me now I've been single a few years and I'm incredibly lonely. I tried dating sites but find I don't fancy anyone and in my mind my perfect relationship is with someone who wants to go out for meals, days out, holiday, have the support but not the physical relationship. As I'm learning about asexuality, suddenly so much makes sense. I feel a spark of hope as I felt before that my hopes for a relationship were unrealistic and I'd never find anyone. Just to know there are other people like me is helping me feel hope. It helps me see that I'm not a failure. I have a lot to learn and accept but I am so grateful to have found places like this. Thanks for listening.

[daveb]

Don't be angry with yourself. Asexuality is not something that is easy to figure out on your own. That's why visibility and education are important. You're here now. Welcome and !

[SithAzathoth WinterDragon]

I've never been sexual myself and have no desire to try sex either, I'm homoromantic, sex repulsed asexual.  I do not even masturbate either. I do not want to date or have a relationship since I'm stress,anxiety and depression free and do not need that to change . I rather remain single and childfree  to put my full focus on my future career with USGS and have all my needs first. 

[Emi-Rin]

I found out I am asexual a few months ago and at first, I was very shocked; shocked to tears. Actually, I was sad and very down. I have always thought I was heterosexual for being into males (I have no interest in the same gender,) and discovering that I am asexual rather than sexual made me feel very down. But with time, I learned that there is nothing wrong with my being asexual. I learned that it was totally fine and learned that I am rather heteroromantic not heterosexual. Now I'm comfortable with my sexuality and I have told a few friends about it casually but on the internet. I don't know if my parents support asexuals or not but I don't really care because this is who I am and they need to accept it. I have embraced my sexuality, or rather, asexuality and now I'm proud of it and of who I am.

[Kimmie.]

That is great and Welcome

[that1hippie]

honestly, i still feel like a weirdo lol but it feels good knowing I'm not the only one! And while it would've saved me SO much heartache to know sooner, I'm happy that i won't be trying to be someone I'm not anymore! 

[kelico]

Welcome, welcome, welcome to everyone that's posted here!! Thank you all for sharing your stories with us, and I hope you enjoy being members!!! Don't hesitate to ask questions if you have any. : ) 

 

[aina adele]

Hi all!

So this is my story: Unlike most of the people on this thread (I think- I didn't read all of the posts) I have long been aware of asexuality, in fact, one of my good friends (roommate's ex-roommate) identifies as asexual. That said, I never applied that label to myself (because I don't think I truly understood it). I've known for a long time (since I was 13/14) that I wasn't exactly "straight" but I never really knew what to call myself. At first I thought I was gay because guys don't interest me, but while I appreciate girls more, I've never really been attracted to a girl either. I considered myself bi for awhile but that never seemed to fit right. I wondered if I could be asexual but I didn't think that fit because I masturbate and because I've always been curious about/interested in sex. I was always very confused because I have met (and gone on dates with) a handful of people I would want to be in a relationship with, but no one who I wanted to have sex with. Then a couple of days ago I saw an article online about how people can be asexual and still be sex-positive. It was kind of like an 'aha' moment but far less dramatic. Anyway, all week I have been reading more about asexuality and trying to figure our what is sexual attraction and if I feel it, and then today when I was on the way to the grocery store something just clicked and I was like "Oh yeah, this can be me and I can call myself this." If I am being truly honest I think I resisted admitting this to myself for a long time because I was worried that if I was asexual I wouldn't be able to enjoy certain aspects of life, but something changed today, and now I am super excited to finally understand who I am and to begin taking steps to come out to my family and friends (who don't know I've been questioning my sexuality for the past five years). I'm still not quite sure if I am gray-sexual or asexual, but I feel a lot closer to understanding myself and a lot happier because of it.

 

To everyone on this thread who is scared or worried I wish you best of luck, and I hope you find peace with yourself and people that will care for, love and support you *hugs*.

 

P.S. I am so glad this community exists, not just for myself but because everyone who is scared/questioning/doesn't feel as though they fit in deserves a space where they can talk to people who will understand them and where they can ask questions without the fear of being judged- so thank you mods and staff! I am so excited to join this site!

[Zile]

I think my reaction was pretty standard. "No freaking wonder!" It was only a few days ago that it finally hit me in the head and I feel relieved, confused, scared, and really sorry for my non-ace partner. 

 

Now I'm sitting with "Where do we go from here." And waking up each morning thinking, "Maybe I'm just making it all up." Then I go over everything again in my head and go, "Nope, I'm so very, very ace." I wonder when that part will pass, the constant checking to make sure it's real?

[Acelotl]

Well, I feel a more at peace with myself and pretty happy. I've never really thought much of not being interested in sex, but I did feel super confused and scared.Especially around "sexy" stuff, I always felt like I should feel something about it but I felt uncomfortable because I felt nothing, just confusion. It was like I could not get a joke everyone laughed about and it was pretty frustrating (Still is). I've always been rather indifferent about sex but labeled it as annoying or inconvenient. I've questioned my sexuality ever since I found out what asexual was. Though I went back and forth between "Yes this is definitely me" and "Maybe I just have a low sex drive, or I'm just childish or something" for a long time.I just figured I was somewhere in the middle and left it at that for some time, it wasn't too important to me what my sexuality was at the time because I figured others hadn't thought about theirs yet.

 

We'd always talk about sex in health class, year after year, but suddenly we started talking about different types of relationships.We started talking about romantic-sexual relationships and dating and whatnot. Then abstinence and I started feeling super weird again. Because this seemed so natural to others and I was just sitting in the back like ???? y'all need all this to abstain from having sex? Is it really that hard to resist? Is sex really that important? What do you mean that turns you on?  A friend even asked me and some other friends what we'd do if we ever felt tempted to have sex and everyone was having a real hard time and I was like ??? just get out of the room? do something else.

 

So after that and contemplating some stuff I don't really know how to explain, I've concluded that I am in fact asexual. I felt so relieved, it felt like I just undid a huge tangle of confusion and understand myself better. I think it only took me so long to be sure because finding the absence of something is real difficult. Though I'm still scared to tell any friends or family in fear of how they'll react,also no one really seems to know what it is. This is a part of me I really wanna share with the world so I hope that soon I'll gather up the courage  to share it with the world, for now I am joyful enough with this community. 

[Acelotl]

1 hour ago, Acelotl said:

Well, I feel a more at peace with myself and pretty happy. I've never really thought much of not being interested in sex, but I did feel super confused and scared.Especially around "sexy" stuff, I always felt like I should feel something about it but I felt uncomfortable because I felt nothing, just confusion. It was like I could not get a joke everyone laughed about and it was pretty frustrating (Still is). I've always been rather indifferent about sex but labeled it as annoying or inconvenient. I've questioned my sexuality ever since I found out what asexual was. Though I went back and forth between "Yes this is definitely me" and "Maybe I just have a low sex drive, or I'm just childish or something" for a long time.I just figured I was somewhere in the middle and left it at that for some time, it wasn't too important to me what my sexuality was at the time because I figured others hadn't thought about theirs yet.

 

We'd always talk about sex in health class, year after year, but suddenly we started talking about different types of relationships.We started talking about romantic-sexual relationships and dating and whatnot. Then abstinence and I started feeling super weird again. Because this seemed so natural to others and I was just sitting in the back like ???? y'all need all this to abstain from having sex? Is it really that hard to resist? Is sex really that important? What do you mean that turns you on?  A friend even asked me and some other friends what we'd do if we ever felt tempted to have sex and everyone was having a real hard time and I was like ??? just get out of the room? do something else.

 

So after that and contemplating some stuff I don't really know how to explain, I've concluded that I am in fact asexual. I felt so relieved, it felt like I just undid a huge tangle of confusion and understand myself better. I think it only took me so long to be sure because finding the absence of something is real difficult. Though I'm still scared to tell any friends or family in fear of how they'll react,also no one really seems to know what it is. This is a part of me I really wanna share with the world so I hope that soon I'll gather up the courage  to share it with the world, for now I am joyful enough with this community. 

 

If you want to know yourself,

Just look how others do it;
If you want to understand others,
Look into your own heart

-Friedrich Schiller

[nasty(???)]

My first reaction to hearing about asexuality was a pleasant experience. Finding out what that meant for me was not. 

 

When I was younger (elementary age) everyone was always talking about like, crushes and stuff and I Honest To God had no idea what on earth these maniacs were talking about. All my friends would constantly talk to me about how cute guys (I exclusively hung out with girls and being gay isnt a thing that occurs to small children in texas). It didn't help that I was starting to have issues with depression, though I didn't know that at the time. Really I just faked having a crush a couple of times and moved on with my tiny life.

 

yadda yadda, middle school, i discover tumblr, do a bunch of research on sexuality for who knows why, and I find like 70 asexuality blogs, which totally sound right- i'd never known what it was like to feel attracted to a person (id known all about my genitals and orgasm tho lmao) so i tack asexuality onto my personal description. then a few months later i learn about aromanticism and all the various titles and differences on the spectrum, and for a while i think i identified as lithrosexual cupioromantic? i think? whatever. then i had a huge depressive period, convinced myself that my depression broke me and i wasnt asexual at all, and forced myself to have a crush on one of my friends in a really weird obsession with finishing the square (because there was a friend group of 4, and two of them paired off and were making eyes at eachother, so i had the feel of I Gotta). I eventually end up in a poly relationship with 2 of the 3 girls, we have fun, i almost constantly question my motives/ is this a real relationship/ why am i like this. all that jazz. did help that one of the girls was also asexual but not like her Orientation but more like she just happened to have a really low sex drive. anyway it just wasnt an important part of her identity. i break up with them and immediately jump into another relationship because she was flirting with me a whole lot and i think i forced myself into having a crush again. slam dunk into another depressive period, lose interest in anything and everything, and i end up meeting a guy and he makes me realize what a crush feels like and that Nope i am a lil less Ace than previously thought. he's trans, so i find myself doing a bunch of research into genders and stuff, and we find me now: toying with the idea of being agender, and signing up for AVEN, after postponing for AGES. theres my whole AAA story. i'm a small battery.

[kivi]

Its not like I hadn't heard of asexuality before, but more that it has taken me a ridiculously long time to connect the dots. When finally doing so, I first felt so relieved (I'm not broken or a failure). Then I cried for about an hour, because I feel like this changes everything I thought I knew about myself. I've always had a need to feel "normal", and I guess that is partially why I've been clinging to the thought that I'm a "normal" heterosexual for more than twenty years.

 

Well I'm done with that now, and I feel free! ... A little terrified, but mostly free. 

[Cirsei]

When I first discovered - like really discovered - asexuality, I felt curious, and a little sense of surreality, I guess. It's not that the thought that I might be ace has never crossed my mind, I just never really considered it and didn't delve in so deep (until now), didn't know how colourful this community was. And I'm one of those "live in their own world" people so I didn't actually know how different I was. (Until I did.) But recently, my curiosity was piqued and I began to read and read (anything I could get my hands on) until finally, I thought, hey, this might really be me. (I'm still not 100% sure, will probably never be, but it fits.) Honestly, asexuality would have been just another label for me; just another word to tack onto my identity. Nothing really special. It was AVEN that sealed the deal for me. I saw this place, saw the friendliness and understanding and cake, and thought: I want this. I want to belong here. Add the hand-clapping, the childish laughter, and the relief, and you got the picture.

 

Because this is one place where I can be free.

 

For all the people out there who still feel broken and sad and different, if you're looking at this (unlikely, but still), I know my word doesn't mean much, but I just wanted to say: I'm me. You're you. She's her. He's him. They're them. We're us. It's ok to be different. Everyone's different. No two people are exactly the same. You may not feel acceptance now, and loving yourself may be a long, hard and painful process, but there are people who will support you - people you see, and people you don't. I'm new here, but I think this place will always welcome you, welcome us (though it may not be for you right now), so have a cake?   (And I know a lot of other awesome someones have probably already told you this, but I just wanted to add my bit. Hope you don't mind?)

[Voldeace]

I'm very very new here but here's my lil story. So --- I fully accepted myself as ace just under a year ago, and had been questioning for a long time before that. I remember before I understood the term asexual I used to literally be unable to sleep at night worrying about the fact that one day I'd have to have sex because I thought 'everyone ends up having sex' and I remember wishing to just stay away from all humans romantically just so I could stay away from sex, but then being conflicted because I wanted a romantic relationship and didn't want to be alone. I had heard of the term asexual but I had completely the wrong idea about it, so I was convinced I was 'normal' and 'straight', just scared of sex, and that it would work itself out, and I couldn't imagine ever being different. Then one day for some reason I researched asexuality and I remember being like "oh ok wait this sounds like me" but refusing to believe it. I didn't want to be different and everytime I thought about it I felt sick. It was constantly on my mind and deep down I knew what I was, but I still wasn't sure because I still found people attractive. I exposed myself to many situations I now regret, in order to 'test' if I really was asexual, even though I blatantly was. One night, about a year ago I watched a load of youtube videos and everything clicked and I knew straight up that I couldn't deny it anymore and that this label is something I connected with and wanted to use to identify myself. I messaged my two closest friends and told them everything and I cried for hours because I had finally worked myself out (and because it was 6am and I was sleep deprived). Since then I have 'come out' to nearly all my friends and housemates, and I am so proud to be who I am. I now strive for awareness and visibility, because if I had known about this orientation sooner, it may have saved me a lot of difficulty. 

[Sam2]

This is so me. Especially the feeling you had when you first found out you are an asexual I felt exactly the same. I wanted to stay as 'straight' and denied to be one of minorities. But now I am also proud and happy of who I am.

[--------------]

I found out about asexuality a long time ago and never gave it much thought, because I was I think about 14 and while many of my friends had had boyfriends or crushes by then i was also young enough that I could just have been a 'late bloomer'. Over the next few years I became quite confused about my sexuality because I didn't feel like I was straight (having never been remotely attracted to a guy) I was also never attracted to anyone else. So for a while I kept assuming I was straight and I was kind of trying to make myself be attracted to guys?? Like if I knew a guy well and liked him platonically I was kind of trying to convince myself that I wanted more, but I didn't. Then in probably mid to late 2016 I kind of rediscovered asexuality as a concept and started to seriously think about whether it could apply to me. Eventually at the start of this year I properly realised that this was me, this was my identity and honestly it feels amazing. I feel like I've found an identity that really resonates with me. 

[Dreamer23]

"Wait, there's a term for this? So I'm not the only one?"

 

Was running under the "straight by default" assumption until then. Didn't even really think about my lack of sexual desire (The absence of something always seems less noteworthy than its presence)

Only just recently took note of the term asexual, read up on it, and figured whether and how it (or anything from the ace umbrella) does apply to me.