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I'm in love with an asexual man.


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#1 Creative Lefty

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 06:44 AM

Hello. after over 5 years of coming to the AVEN forums (on and off), I'm finally posting in hopes that someone can give me some insight on my life.

I'm a sexual woman dating a asexual man. We are both 25 years old and have been together for 5 years (just has our five year anniversary). He is a romantic asexual, but sometimes he lacks affection (like kissing, hugging, going out on dates). He has had a long term girlfriend before, but he was my first serious boyfriend. He was very slow moving at first, it took him months to ask me out, let alone kiss me. He told me at the beginning of our relationship that he was asexual, but at the time I cared so much for him that I was willing to be with him, to see what came of it.

We love each other more than anything, except for the sexual aspect of our relationship he is a great person to be with. He knows how I feel about sex, I have explained to him that I need it to feel close with him, that I want to share not just my mind and soul, but my body as well. We are both virgins and I was fine waiting for him, but after 5 years I don't know if I can wait any longer. We have moved in together a few moths ago and for the most part its been great, but our relationship has not progressed in years. I feel like we are stuck in a rut.

I know he loves me and I know he wants to experience sex with me. I know this because he has told me that he has dreamt about it a couple times and we have fooled around but it has never led to sex. He will often do things that will make him seem sexual to me(these feeling are intensified when he drinks), things like feeling me up and rubbing against me. He tells me that he wants to have sex, but that he is just so terrified to do it. When I try to initiate, I am turned down, usually with a flat out "no" or he will swat my hand away. I don't want to force him into anything, but I want to know that he's going to want to move forward in our relationship soon. It seems like if I've waited 5 years, that I will be waiting forever. Sometimes I wonder if he is not ready and will never be ready. I don't know if I will ever be able to break up with him, I have considered it many times, nut I always come back to the fact that I love him and would be miserable without him.

I am a very sexual person (despite being a virgin) and I love him so much, but my relationship with him sends me on a downward spiral or depression on a regular basis. I am so lonely. Sometimes I wonder if I have put so much time and love into this relationship just for it to end in the near future. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I feel like i'm missing out on real intimacy and it just crushes me. I feel sad every time I kiss him because I know I want so much from him that he is not willing to give me and that it will not lead to anything. His kisses are usually so flat (we peck on the lips and french kiss), there's almost never no spark or passion to his kisses. Every time I kiss him or make a move I feel rejected. I feel empty and unwanted and emotionally I feel like it has to be something with me that is wrong. Logically I know it is not me. I want so badly for him to want me like I want him, but he would most likely be content if our relationship stayed exactly like it is now. I feel that the years without having sex have turned our relationship into that of best friends (with the occasional kissing and what not).

I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him, I want to build a life. I want to marry him and have his kids. He also says he wants to marry me and have kids with me also (but of course you need to have sex to have kids). I feel like I can't stay in this relationship, unless it starts to progress and get out of this rut we are in. When I'm at my worst, I feel trapped. I know he loves me, but I feel incredibly unwanted. He knows how I feel, but he never really gives me any definitive answers (like if he would be willing to have sex in the future or if he's discovered he's not interested). If anyone has advice or are is similar situation, I would greatly appreciate any words/thoughts you have to offer.

Feel free to ask any questions you may have, these thoughts are all jumbled in my head so I might have left a few details out.

#2 Silencer

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 07:28 AM

I had a similar case, I was going out with a girl, good thing that we didn't get to far. I told her that I'm an antisexual, and she told me that this is ok... After a time, she told me that I am a fool, that this is stupid, that love is sex, and bla bla bla... You know, you sound like her now...
If you really love someone, you love him for what he is... I hate people that at first tell me that is ok, and then they try to change me, I'm not talking only about asexuality here...

It also seems that you try to push him, using things like "I feel incredibly unwanted", what ? So if you'll have sex you'll be "incredibly wanted" ?
Do you think what will happen if he wont like it ? You'll just leave him cause you can't without sex ?

Sorry, I don't try to be bad, but I been through this... You think about yourself, that you want sex, but what about him ? It's obvious that it is hard for him. If you're saying that you can't leave without sex, then I think you don't really love him.
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#3 Creative Lefty

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 07:50 AM

Maybe I didn't express myself good enough. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and they're all mixed about.

I don't try to push him. I will occasionally make a pass, but if he says "no" I will leave it at that. I don't want to push him into anything. And by my wanting our relationship to progress I don't mean if has to be something that happens over night. I'm also meaning things like getting married, and wanting to finally commit to me. Sex doesn't necessarily mean love to me either. I love him very much, we are very supportive of each other. I would never make him feel bad for being the way he is, in many aspects I understand that his asexuality has shaped who he is and I love what he's become. All I would like is an answer from him, he can be so closed off at times. I'm fine with waiting as long as I know my waiting will lead to some sort of a compromise. One of the things I want to most is to start a family and I want to be sure he wants that too. I don't tell him in full detail the things I have posted, these are just feelings that I have bottled up and have slowly gotten worse over time. I love him and support him, I want him to be a part of my life no matter what, I just want to know whether we want the same things, whether it be sex, marriage or kids. I'm not trying to change him, i'm trying my best understand and work on our relationship.

The whole reason I posted on here was to get some insights, while I respect what you've gone through, You only know a part of my story. I have loved and supported this man for 5 years and obviously I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to be sad anymore either.

#4 Nameless123

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 12:42 PM

Dear Creative Lefty,

when I read your post I was reminded of my own relationship, but from the other side. I'm asexual, and I often imagine my boyfriend to feel the way you do, and even though I can't directly understand the frustration that the lack of sex is causing you, I feel a lot of sympathy for you, because I can feel from your words how much you care about your partner and your relationship.

Unfortunately I cannot give you any good advice. I've been with my boyfriend for over eight years, but some things are simply not reconcilable. I have often thought about breaking up, because I felt that he could find someone better than me, someone who would have sex with him, but he doesn't want to break up.

PS: Don't mind Silencer, they don't seem to understand the difference between asexuality and anti-sexuality.

Oh, and welcome to AVEN, even though you've been around for a while! :)

Edited by Garmonbozia, 07 November 2012 - 12:44 PM.


#5 jojo2003

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 01:03 PM

Dear Creative Lefty,

I am sorry to hear about you situation. I am an sexual partner in a relationship with an asexual, but that does not mean I have all the knowledge available. The problem in these cases is, in my opinion, there is no ready-made solution.

In my case there are two options, leaving the relationship or chosing celibacy, since my partner is sexually repulsed. However, this does not mean that this should be the case for you. There are a lot of different compromises in combined relationships as you will notive reading through some other posts.

You noticed that you are both virgins. Part of the problem could be that your friend has anxiety about the first time, in combination with a low sex drive maybe. Maybe, because I do not know your situation. You say that he wants to engage in a sort of sexual relationship. It is a good start that you discuss those things. Try asking him how you can facilitate going one step at the time and discuss with him how it makes you feel to be rejected. Maybe in that way you can come to a compromise as well.

As for Silencer, it seems that they are discussing options and she never wrote that both partners agreed on asexual relations from the start. A bit harse to state a case like that to someone who is in trouble enough already.
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#6 Lady Girl

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 01:09 PM

I can relate to what you are talking about and there are others that can as well. The feeling of being unlovable or not good enough is common, as is the feeling that things are hopeless and not likely to change (they may not). I do understand that the idea of having sex can make a person feel wanted...it's strange but true. There are times when you can have sex and end up not feeling wanted, but generally speaking the thought of relations with the person you love makes you feel like it would satisfy that particular longing.

Much of what you have mentioned is common for the sexual partner to feel when they are in a relationship with an asexual person (not always, but quite frequently). It's not unusual at all. Unfortunately, both people in these mixed relationships can and do feel bad about the situation.

Many sexual people feel unloved even though they know it's not the case.
They feel trapped because they love the person and wish to stay, but can't cope (at times).
Thoughts start to form that suggest if they could only behave or look differently, things might change.
Being lonely and unsatisfied with kisses and touches that seem awkward is also common.
Feeling confused that there are brief moments of seeming desire is another issue to contend with.

As for your waiting leading to some kind of compromise, it could...I can't say that you won't have times of sadness despite a compromise because I think you will. In all fairness though, I personally feel that we will have moments of sadness regardless of it (that's life I say).

I'm in a similar situation to you. My husband and I didn't know that asexuality was a thing though when we married. He just thought he was different...

Not all asexuals define asexuality in terms of sexual attraction. Some just do not desire sexual interaction.

"...research on self-identified asexuals...shows that they do not necessarily have a lower desire for sexual activity, 

but they clearly have a lower desire for sexual activity with others..." Anthony Bogaert

 

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#7 honor is all

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 02:21 PM

Dear Creative Lefty,

First of all let me commend you and take my hat off for your utmost selflesness and understanding. Even though I'm an aromantic grey asexual I understand both you and your partner. I cacn't imgaine what's it like to be repulsed by sex or indeed what's it like to love someone so salflessly and passionately to put a strong emotional need off for five long years. If he was an indifferent asexual I'd suggest talking about compromise but since he seems like a repusled asexual who doesn't want to compormise and you identifying as very sexual the relationship will be almost impossible and will just cause both of you years of heartache,, depression, quarreling and marital dissatisfaction. It may seem like he is the only person for you now and that if you break up you will never find someone compatible,etc but it will be better in the long run if you end the relationship now. It will give you both an opportunity to find someone (a)sexually compatbile, which, whether people like to admit it or not a key issue in a relationship.

Sex obviously has intimacy, closeness and spiritual connotations to you a bit like dance has for me. If I was romantic and met a nice compatible partner who I had everyhting in common with ,etc and then he said:"I really want to be in a relationship with you and love you more than anything and will do anything but just do one thing for me. Please give up dance. Dance is so stupid and pointless, I really don't see why you need to twirl around the house all the time and much less why the heck you want to me to go waltz classes with you, I love you without them." Call me a selfish b*tch all of you, but I'd drop him like a hot cookie within nanoseconds. Of course they can love me without coming waltz with me but if we are already in a trap also known as a committed monogamous relationship then I want someone who shares my greatest passion in life.

The best luck to both fo you.

P.S. Just for info there are other ways to have children other than sex. If that is your only concern you could go through Artificial insemination by husband or in vitro fertilisation using your eggs and his sperm so the child will still be biologically yours. :)
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#8 Silencer

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 08:15 PM

I know the difference between asexuality and anti-sexuality. And I'm not an evil ANTIsexual, I think it's ok for people to have sex, it's just I don't want it, and I fight with my own desire. I'd like to be an asexual, cause it seams to me like a blessing not having the desire, but I'm not...
Sorry for being so hard on you, I told you my case, that's why I was a bit aggressive then I remembered...
I don't think I have anything more to say, cause the rest of users told you anything you need to know ) ...

And I don't think it's ok "to have children other than sex". It seems wrong and unnatural to me. If you want kids, you need to have sex, this is the way it is ( a not so ANTI Antisexual here :D ).

#9 Philip027

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 09:31 PM

He told me at the beginning of our relationship that he was asexual, but at the time I cared so much for him that I was willing to be with him, to see what came of it.


Well, if that is the case, part of the situation you're in is on you. The blame game is kinda pointless, so not going to go any further on that tangent, but however you choose to deal with the situation, I hope you keep this in mind and not grow too upset with him over it.

There is a fair chance (as it's a common situation detailed here) that he's reluctant to be close and intimate with you because he is afraid you will interpret it as a lead-on to sexual activity (and whether or not he actually wants this to happen like he says, it seems that he's scared of it). As you might expect, this is sort of a vicious cycle that can gradually erode a relationship -- one person becoming increasingly withdrawn and cold due to being taken past their comfort zone, and the other noticing this and becoming increasingly convinced that their relationship is fizzling out as a result.

And I don't think it's ok "to have children other than sex". It seems wrong and unnatural to me. If you want kids, you need to have sex, this is the way it is


Well, many people try that, sometimes for years, and it doesn't work out for them. So what should they do if they want their own kids?

Just curious here -- when you get really sick, do you also not take any medicine? Because you know, if you did, that's also quite unnatural.
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#10 Silencer

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 09:51 PM

Philip027, if it doesn't work out for them, then you're right :) Not the other case.

#11 Lucinda

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Posted 08 November 2012 - 12:33 AM

I had a 6 month rule for myself. You have well surpassed the 6 months. If a relationship wasn't heading in the direction congruent with the time and energy I was committing to the relationship, then I would redefine it for what it truly was. In your case, that would be best friends. You can love and care for your best friends heaps and always want them to be part of your life, but you wouldn't necessarily plan or hope to entangle your life with theirs. You also wouldn't become depressed because you wouldn't have the same expectations that you currently have.

Any time you are relating to other people or are in a relationship, it gives you the opportunity to learn alot about them as well as yourself. You may have a better understanding of yourself than you did 5 years ago ... which is a good thing!! But now it is up to you to go out there in the world and see what else awaits you. Like honor-is-all says, you may think you will never find someone else, but why not seize the opportunity to prove yourself wrong!!

All the best,
Lucinda
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#12 Serran

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Posted 08 November 2012 - 02:11 AM

If he does have sex with you there is a chance he may not even like it - would you be OK with that?
Have you discussed getting your sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere if it is such a large issue for you? If so, is he simply against that?

As a male asexual, it is possible he has fears beyond just the sex thing but also the fear of not getting into it or finding it boring (which personally I do as a female, but it isn't as big a deal for me) and not being able to perform. You feel his kisses are hollow, because they lack the sexual passion, so that could be adding to his anxiety about sex.

Another thing to consider is the advances even if you accept his no, can feel like pressure and add a lot of anxiety to sex for the asexual.

The only thing you can do is either talk to him some more and figure out how to work a compromise, even if it means you going elsewhere (he has to be OK for poly/open relationships though not just as a "I don't wanna lose you" or that isn't going to work), or leave. You aren't going to change him into a sexual though, so even if he DOES have sex with you, it might not be passionate.
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#13 illuminates

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Posted 09 November 2012 - 12:23 PM

First of all, I commend you for being so nice about it. But, as an asexual, at least for me--if I swatted someone's hand away and said 'no' then I probably meant it. But it's possible that he's just scared to initiate it with you or doesn't want to hurt you or something..
Either way, you can always hint at him that you would love to be married with him, and then if you really wanted kids, you could just adopt?
Good luck. :D

In your case, that would be best friends.

Best friends aren't romantic with each other and kiss a lot, though--it seems to me that they're just in a romantic relationship that doesn't involve sex.
Unless they're some weird friends...

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#14 Fricai

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Posted 17 November 2012 - 04:10 PM

The whole reason I posted on here was to get some insights, while I respect what you've gone through, You only know a part of my story. I have loved and supported this man for 5 years and obviously I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to be sad anymore either.


That sounds perfectly reasonable.
I am confused about the situation here... Is it just five years or you trying and him turning you down? Can you talk openly (it doesn't seem so), have you tried seeking help elsewhere?

You sound wonderful and it's great that you love him and want to make it work, but you can't allow yourself to be sad forever. You deserve better! Something needs to happen (progression, as you say), and it shouldn't be in another five years, it should have started five years ago. Progression can be slow, and that's ok. But it's not ok if nothing's happening, you're unhappy, and he's just ok with the way things are are.

He needs to realize how much this hurts and do something about it (and get whatever help is needed is do so). You should be looking for a compromise on both parts, not just yours. And if there really is no step he can take in your direction, then I'm afraid you will have to give it up.

You mention you don't tell him everything you've written here. While maybe it will be painful to hear, I do think there's a chance it's just the push he needs to realize that this situation is NOT ok. Well, you can at least try. Please don't be so selfless. Stop waiting, because otherwise nothing is changing.

Best of luck!

#15 Sadfriend

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Posted 27 November 2012 - 11:10 AM

First of all, is the sexual desire linked to him? Or do you "just" have a sexual desire? Maybe it could be worked with in another way than forcing him in to the equation. If that might work for you then you need to take this up with him and see if that might be a solution.

You also say that you want to progress the relationship? Does having sex and being sexual mean that? You said that you might as well just be best friends, is it only because you can't have sex with each other? I think you need to re evaluate what sex actually means to you and then ask yourself if it's going to work for you to be in this relationship. If sex means that much then it's going to be rather painful for both parties.

You can compromise on the sexual thing together but I honestly don't believe you'll get very far there, unless you can address his fears and reluctancy. But do know that a relationship can deepen, most of the desires you take up can be acquired without having sex involved.

So the main issue here is the sex and that's where you have to ask yourself how much it matters, how much you and your partner are willing to compromise and what the next step depending on this is.

Don't let your desires die out just because you feel the need to stay in the relationship. It's important that the ship is balanced between you and him for there to every be a healthy connection between the two.

Hope this is of some use to you and not just moronic ramblings.

#16 SuperMagicMuffin

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Posted 19 December 2012 - 12:31 AM

I think the best thing for you to do is tell your bf exactly how you're feeling. I believe people in real relationships shouldn't have to make romantic or sexual compromises. If it's good it's good. It sounds like you know he is asexual but still try to change him into sexual because it's something you want so badly. 

 

If you want to be with him and trully love him for who he is and who you feel inlove with, then you need to accept him. But if you are also truly miserable then it might be time to call it off. Because it sounds like you will be waiting forever. And if in any case he does give you sex, he will do it to make you happy and it will leave him blank or unhappy as well. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. 

 

Take the time out to talk to him, tell him what you wrote here. If he is convinced he can't give you that, then it's time to rethink the relationship. I understand that sex can be intertwined with love. Some people feel romance and love and wish to share it in a sexual way as well, and what you need is someone who is willing to do that and feels happy with it. He does not, he needs someone who feels the same as he does. 


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#17 Clemy

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Posted 19 December 2012 - 03:30 AM

I think the best thing for you to do is tell your bf exactly how you're feeling. I believe people in real relationships shouldn't have to make romantic or sexual compromises. If it's good it's good. It sounds like you know he is asexual but still try to change him into sexual because it's something you want so badly. 

 

If you want to be with him and trully love him for who he is and who you feel inlove with, then you need to accept him. But if you are also truly miserable then it might be time to call it off. Because it sounds like you will be waiting forever. And if in any case he does give you sex, he will do it to make you happy and it will leave him blank or unhappy as well. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. 

 

Take the time out to talk to him, tell him what you wrote here. If he is convinced he can't give you that, then it's time to rethink the relationship. I understand that sex can be intertwined with love. Some people feel romance and love and wish to share it in a sexual way as well, and what you need is someone who is willing to do that and feels happy with it. He does not, he needs someone who feels the same as he does. 

 

 

First you compromise in EVERY relationship, whether it be sexual, doing chores, or even getting up early because of time differences. When in a relationship, you are different then the other person and will have to compromise on something. It doesn't matter how in love or perfect for each other you may very well be. You are not going to want do something, that your partner will want you to do. You will also ask your partner to do, something they don't want to do. Compromise is part of relationships. For example if you are sick and your partner is going out with friends, you will want them to take care of you instead and they should. Another example you and your partner have a baby. The baby is crying at three AM, No one is going to want to get up and take care of the baby, but someone will  compromise for there partner so that the other one can sleep. It is a give take thing that everyone does. I don't think about compromising much in my relationship because i want to make my girlfriend happy. so for me i find joy in it, but if i didn't i would still do it. Sometimes your partner needs you and you will do whatever for them because you do love them. 

 

Second the OP is not trying to change her partner. You can't change an asexual to sexual with sex. Sexuality is an orientation and orientation is not the same as action. If an asexual has sex they are still asexual. She is asking for a compromise because it will make her happy and she is having a problem. She is on AVEN trying to get support and understanding for her relationship and so that she may become closer with her partner. She has not wanted to change him, she just has urges, that are causing her relationship problem. She wants to be with him because she is in love and it is most likely deeper then sexual needs. Questioning the OP;s love being "True enough" seems harsh IMO since she is here trying and she has been with him for 5 years. She is showing the signs of being deeply in love with this guy.

 

Third we do not know what he needs. He is not here to say anything on the matter. He may feel a need for her and just not like sex. He never said he needs a sexless relationship, he actually specifically said he want to have sex with her, just his actions are not showing it because he is having trouble with having sex. 

 

Finally you said that the OP shouldn't try and change him but you are saying they should compromise, and not have sex because their partner is asexual. No matter what happens in a relationship where one is asexual and one is sexual there is going to be a compromise when it comes to sex whether it be the asexual having sex or the sexual not having sex. It is impossible for this relationship not to have a compromise when it comes to sex.


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