So I really have to know....

[HauntedStarling]

I guess what I really feel the need to ask is....now what??

I've been questioning my sexuality for some time -- bouncing from bi-sexual to lesbian to straight. I believe that part of my questioning might have been due to the fact that I just don't much care about sex. That's not to say I don't enjoy sex when it comes to me, but frankly I cannot ever be turned on by a body. I don't like the thought of sexual organs, but I love touch and can definitely achieve good orgasms.

I've also discovered that the OCD (yes I am obsessive compulsive) keeps me from calming down enough to do ANYTHING sexually.

My boyfriend thinks its a bit odd that I can't look at his penis or look at my stuff.

So now what? Am I just weird or am I asexual? Am I incredibly low-drive?

Does anyone else ever feel that way?

[Amcan]

It is up to you to decide if you are asexual. That's an oft used phrase at AVEN.

But yes it is up to you.

The important thing is to be comfortable and happy in yourself. You don't appear to be rifght now and that's a shame.

Explore the site a bit and see what turns up.

[bug]

Hi haunted starling,

I don't actually like to look at my own bits and pieces right down below...

and find pictures of womens bits totally horrible... and I am not a lot keener on the sight of a penis. Once had a naturist friend for years and I can honestlysay that I never got used to the sight of his penis every time I went to visit... I prefer people to have at least underwear/swimwear on.

[Ag-sexual]

Hi,

I personally feel aseuxality is a separate concept from that of discomfort or revulsion by sexual organs.

I think there are very deeper issues surrounding discomfort of private parts. It is partly cultural, since we are taught simultaneously that sex is both taboo/sinful and exciting/good. That's enough contradiction overload to confuse any person.

Regardless whether you are or are not asexual, I think it's a wonderful thing to try to learn to love your own body's parts, each and every one of them. Don't confuse love with sex/touching, though. It's more a respect and appreciation for all parts. It's not surprising that so many women are revolted by their own bodies, based on what our society tells us. And even the subconscious idea that women are less. Our womanhood is represented by the crotch and chest areas, so when we feel frustrated/angry/sad about not making as much as men, or realizing how mired our societies are in patriarchal values, it can easily turn to being annoyed with our own feminine natures and physicality.

I admit I have been working on this issue for a number of years - maybe 10 years? I still am not that fond of a woman's lower areas, but am trying! I HAVE embraced myself enough, however, to make menstrual cramps a thing of the past. Yay! I came to a realization that the tightness and pain in my abdomen was a result of my own hate of my femininity and natural cycles. Now, I love and honor those cycles enough that my body doesn't need to cramp up. I also honor my body enough to try to take it slower on those days. But that's a life philosophy too - one that says people are go go going too much and not sitting still or relaxing enough. So I use my cycle as a reminder to breathe deeply, chill out, and not be so action-oriented.

[confused but not confused]

WOW-That's wonderful Ag-sexual, I love my body and I do get slow during my cycle from the start and I don't have any cramps or something. But I always feel that people do give a sarcastic look or comment ( I mean friends etc. to whom you give this an excuse that why you will not do this thing in this week etc.). What do you do with that?

I feel fighting with other female friends for refusing to show myself to be strong enough during menstruation. I am not in a complex to keep comparing my body strength and social and psychological behaviour with men. I openly accept that I AM A WOMAN AND I AM DIFFERENT than a man. If I will feel tears in my eyes on watching some tragedy in a movie, I will cry. I feel no shame in it. This is the way I am made and I am perfectly alright and can live independently and happily. If I feel I can't carry a heavy load, I will not put pressure on my body but it doesnot mean I will live like a parasite with a man. Men also have limitations, we have our limitations. & I am happy with them. There are certain aspects where we are stronger than them.

[Ag-sexual]

I think we become conditioned to believe we not only have to tell the truth, but the whole truth, regardless if it causes us harm. I am afflicted with this curse. :D My natural state is to just blab exactly what the truth is, with no regard for how people will hassle me, etc.

There is a learning curve on this, definitely, but I think it's good to learn to erect strong boundaries in places where people might violate you. Unless you are open to the discussion of course. If you just don't have the energy, or heck, just don't WANT to go into the details, be evasive. So you don't want to make plans during period week? "Oh sorry, that's not a good week for me". or "Sorry, I already have plans/am busy." "I need to catch up on some things." If people press you so much as to ask WHAT your plans are, be vague again, and with a smile "Just some personal stuff".

It is perfectly acceptable to say you have plans when your plans are not to do anything, or to take it easy. So... doing nothing is your plan! :) You might need to "catch up" on relaxation. You might be busy carving time into your life to allow for non-busy. So you are not lying, but you are avoiding pulling people in to question things, because it fits their standard of acceptable answers and acceptable living.

Keep the actual details on a need-to-know basis., until you know you can trust people to be accepting of your choices. Critical friends suck, I know. :)

[confused but not confused]

Ag-sexual, I totally agree with what you said and this is what I do sometimes with the people I don't care about but I just wonder that when we women will be able to communicate our feminine needs as human needs instead of thinking of them as weaknesses. That's why I deliberately bring up the issue to my closest friends to convince them but usually I fail because this era is so much of comparisons and blind racing to follow what media is dictating.