Should we start a relationship with a sexual person?

[confused but not confused]

I am sorry for writing this long message but I want to share and get advice on something really bothering me. I found this website through msn. I am an asexual from the start. I knew it and I still know it. I always used to wonder that is there anyone else in this world who is not attracted towards sex but who is romantic? I belong to a frame of belief and culture where sexuality is not being discussed openly or just after marriage with your life partner or before marriage with potential partner. Even under these conditions, I have always made clear to everyone that I don't feel any attraction for sex which my friends who are married considers as a virgin's fear and once I will get married I will be the one enjoying it most and I get scared with this prediction, even I have conveyed to my mother and as she can understand my tones, she was just shocked and stopped advising me for marriage although I am/was always advised by every friend and family member to get marry. My mother was always supportive but she conveys her inner fear to me that I will be left alone in this world when she will be too old. By luck I have quite good looks and guys do get attracted towards my personality and the way i carry my self.I give this credit to my no-desire for sex while my friends feel that I am very bold and direct and confident blah blah. I give most credit to my asexuality because I never need the physical admiration or I never wished to be admired as a woman by a man, I want to be admired as a human being. I do urge for romantic love and even physical acts like I hug my mom or my female friends. I do want to kiss and hug my husband whenever I will feel so but not in sexual way or any particular sexual act. I also miss what my friends have in their lives a lifetime sincere companionship and support in the form of their husbands.

As with the passage of time, I start feeling that my mom was right, all my friends are married and I feel alone in this world even I am doing a lot of volunteer work and have social connections with so many people and meet with my friends but I still feel that I don't have anyone who is always there like my friends have their husbands and kids. I extremely want to get married and I have a few genuine and very nice proposals still now while I am in my 30s. So many girls in my environment think that I am the luckiest girl in the world having a very nice career and a line of guys behind me. Infact indulging myself into career building was also a consequence of not being physically attracted.

But I cannot decide for marriage because I don't want to hurt someone. If I get married to a guy and for sure I don't want him to do adultery, I need to fulfil his desire to osome extent. As much as I am reluctant to do it, he will also have the same intensity to do it. If I can't kill my feelings for not doing it. How can i ask someone to kill his urge for doing it?. Out of all the proposals, I feel extremely attracted towards a guy due to his personality and the way of expressing his continuous love for me, that makes me feel lucky to be with him but on the other hand I feel that I am a sick or abnormal person. I want him but I donot want sex with him or with anyone in this world but if I will ever go for it, I know it will be only him. I donot want to lose him. The problem is HE IS VERY VERY ATTTRACTED TO ME SEXUALLY and he is looking forward for a great sexual life between us. I am a straightforward person, I told him very clearly that I have no feelings for sex. He first took it as a shyness and when he realized I am serious, he started trying to assure me that it is not lust, his feelings are true love and he can wait for as long as I want. When I told him, it will never happen then he told me that he don't know what will happen in future but from his friends he has learned that ( he is also a virgin like me and all his knowledge is just thoery from here and there) sex drive is very high in the start of the marriage and after 6 months or an year maybe we won't be doing it for more than once a week or so.

He doesnot want to lose me so he said that he will be happy without it and will wait for the day I will ask him after the marriage. But I know it will never happen. Which will keep him unsatisfied for his whole life? I don't know maybe I will change one day but I don't want to lose him. My problem is I am not allergic to sex but just never had any desire to go beyond hug and kisses. I feel very lucky about Hawke and the wife of Pablo that their loved ones understand and trying to work it through. My guy is also willing to work with me but is it fair to put him into this when I know he thinks a lot about sex with me (the only part I don't like to hear in his talk). After understanding my feelings, he has stopped talking about his sexual fantasies and has become so conscious about talking physical relationship but sometimes words slip and I feel that he still dream about it. I broke up with him when I told him my inner feelings and after a month he called me really crying to consider him for marriage with a promise for not talking anything related to sex. He is a very nice guy and a lot of gals want to marry him and he is also at the same level of career as me and we have so much in common and if I just take out his-desire- for-sex, it looks like we are made for each other, we share everything in each other's life. Even he will try to keep his promise, I am very affectionate type of person and I know I will hug and cuddle etc. will it be difficult for him to be romantic but not sexually active? I am so much confused. What is life for me without him? nothing but just breathing. I once thought that I will go to sex therapist after marriage but it looks like it doesnot work. (Just to mention, I do want to have kids although, I am not attracted to pregnancy, this is a strong desire and I may go through pregnancy but only once).

[Shivers]

Talk to him, tell him how you feel. Like I said in the article, "Talk it through with your partner and find a middle ground. Neither one of you can bend all the way to one extreme. Only the two of you can decide what the right compromise is for you."

[cowgurl]

I highly, highly recommend you going to a sex therapist. You need trust-worthy, professional advice in this matter. I think you should definately stay with this guy - he sounds uniquely awesome and I doubt you'll ever find someone as special. Don't be afraid to go to a professional counselor for help. Take your boyfriend with you as well!

I know this sounds weird, but there are medications you can to increase your sexual drive. Sometimes girls and guys experience a lack of sexual drive, not because they are a-sexual, but because of an inbalance in hormones. Talking to your counselor or doctor would give you more details!! Never stop talking to your boyfriend and trusted advisors about this. The worse thing you can do is internalize it. Good luck!!!

[Cate Perfect]

Those 'performance' drugs only increase blood flow to the genitals. They don't increase the desire for sex, just the ability to have it. (And the ability to have a heart attack.)

Also, being asexual usually isn't about lacking hormones. It's an orientation. Would you tell a gay person to go to a psychiatrist? You sound like you're trying to be helpful, but Viagra, steroids and those sorts of things won't work on an asexual person anymore than taking a drug to make a right-handed person left-handed.

To the original poster: Your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy--I agree that you should tell him you've always been asexual and happy that way and that if he's waiting for you to initiate sexual contact he'll probably be waiting forever. It might be easy for him to say he doesn't care about it, but he really needs to think about how that will be for him in the long run.

Cate

[Joyous56]

What about testosterone? I've read that low testonsterone levels can cause decreased libido in men and women.

I think that going to a sex therapist will help, if only to have someone who can objectively mediate, and help this couple arrive at what might be a compromise, but might also be a more realistic view of what can be expected in light of their individual needs and wants.

One question....does anyone know if the run-of-the-mill sex therapist recognizes asexuality as just another place on the 'bell curve' of sexuality and sexual attraction? Seems like all but those who find a partner who is at the same place on the curve would require some sort of compromise, and a sex therapist who doesn't recognize this would be irresponsible.

[bug]

Hi confused,

Sorry I really don't know the answer to this one but I have read true stories where a husband who really wants to stay with his wife has learned to do without sex... maybe a compromise could be where you still touch him sexually and maybe have oral sex, but do not have intercourse, if that is the bit you really can't face?

Failing all else, if this can't be a marriage you could both find that you have a lifetime of the most incredible friendship, even if he is "with" someone else. Or, he might never find someone he loves as much as you, and you will still have that friendship together.

Don't know if this helps...

[confused but not confused]

I am SO THANKFUL to all of you who have made me feel so much normal and all who tried to understand my problem and support me in giving him a try (that is my internal desire). It helps me making the decison. Compromise comes where each one wants to take more than the other is offering. Our situation right now is both willing to sacrifice for each other and willing to give more than other is expecting. At this moment of time, I feel that I can fake throughout my life as a price for his asexual love for me. Similarly, he thinks that he can live without sex forever if I will not take the initiatives. He says ,after all he has lived 30 years of his life without sex and 13 years of continuous reluctant from my side to convert our friendship into marriage & keep dreaming about it like a vacation. Only I have a fear that it may turn out differently (I am thinking negative) and he is extraordinarily believing in the gentle power of love and very positive that one day he will change me and I will ask for it myself :) and he says that he will not lose even if he loses because atleast we will be together. Also if we were both sexual people and one of us get paralyzed or any other kind of sick like schizophrenic as in the Movie " A beautiful Mind", the other would have to live without sex to be together. I want an advice from a married asexual or sexual person that is it really possible or it just happens in movies. Will we be thinking same after 10 years? I love and possess him and can't see him with any other woman, because other woman will also be a human being not a sex object and she will definitely want to be connected with him emotionally and mentally if she will not be a sex trade worker. In that situation where will I be?

Is there any experienced asexual person who just keep having fake sex with the spouse in order to keep that person satisfied? I get all my needs fulfilled with him, I wish I could be able to fulfill all his desires.

Now, I feel after talking to him openly, if I decide to fake, I will not buy it :). I showed him all the replies I get and he is much more

enthusiastic to prove his asexual love for me.

Both of us are so much thankful to the person with the idea of touching and other stuff because it could be like pulling his nose or ears which I do sometimes but I get nausea for the idea of intercourse and/or oral but touching might be Ok for me because my love for him is stronger than my hate for sex and he thinks now that he is in heaven. I am so thankful to you all. We have decided to marry soon during this summer and we are planning to let our families know about our decision. He was very sarcastic about this website and thought that you people will give me advice to leave him. He is really appreciating all those who considered him a nice guy and advised me not to leave him. This website and all of you people are great and awesome.