Some questions from a curious newbie...

[Ravenclaw]

Hullo. I followed a link to these boards from an article posted on the MSN homepage. I'll admit, I've never heard of a group like this or of individuals who consider themselves to be asexual.

That being said, I find myself very interested in the possibilities you all explore here! If it is alright, I would like to ask a few questions maybe you all can help me with. :)

I am a healthy woman, and I have lately become concerned that the thought of having sex rather bothers me. I am, to all indications, heterosexual--I only find men attractive and one day hope to be married and have children. But, while I am quite interested in falling in love and in being devoted to a single partner, I find it really hard to reconcile myself to the very thought of having sex.

Now, my primary question would be, am I just "afraid" or "anxious about" sex because I am inexperienced and naive, or am I perhaps asexual? Having never before been presented with the possibility of a person being physically asexual, I have never considered it.

While I am still inclined to think I'm just scared and naive, I would be very interested to hear some thoughts or opinions from this community. Is there any sure or definite way to tell if I am asexual, or is it just something I'm going to have to take a wild stab at?

Thanks so much for any and all help you folks can offer. I appreciate it.

[Neabsco]

There are a lot of asexuals here who would like to find a life partner, who are romantically inclined to one gender or another, and some want kids or even already have them.

When I was a teenager, I used to think that maybe I was just too shy and (of course) inexperienced in matters of courtship and sex, but now I think of myself as asexual because I don't have and have never had any sort of sex drive.

Everyone here always tells the new people that only you yourself can decide whether you're asexual. Maybe thet's true, or maybe they're just shrugging the responsibility of making distinctions onto other people. It's hard to tell either way without knowing one another closely, and that's pretty hard to do over the Internet. Or in person, for that matter.

I'm not sure what you mean my "physically asexual" - there are a few people born androgynous and some who don't identify with either gender, but I think most of us are physically normal, I think.

Or maybe you mean as in not physically desiring sex, right? Personally, I think it's puzzling and curious that most people can't fathom being nonsexual - do people ever label little children as hetero/homosexual? For me, asexuality is just not having changed one's behavior towards sex during puberty.

[Vicious Trollop]

Welcome, fellow Ravenclaw! :D

Now, my primary question would be, am I just "afraid" or "anxious about" sex because I am inexperienced and naive, or am I perhaps asexual? Having never before been presented with the possibility of a person being physically asexual, I have never considered it.

When I was younger, I thought of myself as naive and afraid of sex. At some point, it became clear that it wasn't that at all -- I just wasn't interested. It's probably an issue you'll have to spend a lot of time thinking about. I know that sex used to make me uncomfortable, but in college I became more exposed to sexuality, I was able to talk about it more, and I developed a clear idea of how I felt about sexual issues. And still I was disinterested. So I stopped worrying about whether it was something I would get over in time.

Whether you're asexual or just inexperienced, the main thing is, only do what you're comfortable with. If you don't want to have sex, it doesn't matter what the reason is; don't have sex until it feels right. In the meantime, explore your feelings about sexuality and relationships. These things sort themselves out in time.

And like Prufrock said, even if you come to the conclusion that you are asexual, that doesn't mean that your hopes for romance and a family are nixed. One of the greatest lessons I've ever learned is that there are infinite ways of relating to people, that feelings and interactions cannot be easily labeled. If you know what you want, and you meet someone who knows what he wants, you'll work it out.

Best of luck, and do hang out here as long as it's a help to you!

[Ravenclaw]

I'm not sure what you mean my "physically asexual"...maybe you mean as in not physically desiring sex, right?

Yes--I apologize for the confusion. This is what I meant.

I think my problem may really be only anxiety. Though the thought of having sex generally puts me off--and some sexual practices in particular, such as oral sex, highly disgust me--mostly I am afraid of sex. I don't fear pain, nor do I fear that my partner, whoever he is, will intentionally abuse me or unintentionally do me harm. I am actually afraid of having sex, a fear composed of some parts embarrassment, some parts inexperience (we all fear what we've never encountered before, right?), and some parts ignorance.

All this being said, I'm not sure it is a "fixable" psychological problem (in which case, I don't mind saying, I would dearly love to fix it), or actual asexuality.

In any case, thanks so much, Prufrock. I really appreciate the input. :)

Just saw your message, Lauren--thank you so much! I really feel heartened knowing that there are those out there who identify as asexual but still marry and have families. And I really appreciate the warm welcome. Thanks again!

[hilbertastronaut]

I am a healthy woman, and I have lately become concerned that the thought of having sex rather bothers me. I am, to all indications, heterosexual--I only find men attractive and one day hope to be married and have children. But, while I am quite interested in falling in love and in being devoted to a single partner, I find it really hard to reconcile myself to the very thought of having sex.

i'm going to repeat here something i said before, but i think it applies more to this situation than that one: Sex is a risky activity, most importantly because it entails the gift of one's whole self to another person. That's part of what can make it beautiful and even sacred, but also scary. (i wonder sometimes if too many people are calling themselves "asexual," just because they don't want to have sex with any random person at any random time just for the fun of it.)

Also if you think about sex on a purely biological level, it seems icky. It's possible that part of this ickiness reflex is cultural: a combination of 19th century over-rationalism that grew out of the gnosticism of the "Enlightenment," and Victorian-era hatred of the "passions of the flesh" that has leaked into the mass of contradictions that is modern western culture. But really, sex shouldn't be any ickier than breast-feeding (production of fluid in one body, transferred into another body).

i know quite healthy heterosexuals who have expressed the same thoughts that you have -- i think of them as being part of a healthy respect for sex, and not as any cause for worry.

i hope some of these comments were helpful -- i was rambling a bit.

[Ravenclaw]

:) Your comments are very helpful! Thank you so much.

I have been doing some serious thinking, and I believe that your thoughts may best describe my situation.

[VivreEstEsperer]

Welcome to AVEN!!

We were on MSN? So cool. Does anyone have a copy of the article? I used to dream about us being on msn...

[UniKyu]

Sex is a risky activity, most importantly because it entails the gift of one's whole self to another person. That's part of what can make it beautiful and even sacred, but also scary. (i wonder sometimes if too many people are calling themselves "asexual," just because they don't want to have sex with any random person at any random time just for the fun of it.)

Also if you think about sex on a purely biological level, it seems icky. It's possible that part of this ickiness reflex is cultural: a combination of 19th century over-rationalism that grew out of the gnosticism of the "Enlightenment," and Victorian-era hatred of the "passions of the flesh" that has leaked into the mass of contradictions that is modern western culture. But really, sex shouldn't be any ickier than breast-feeding (production of fluid in one body, transferred into another body).

Ramble on hilbertastronaut, I for one am thankful for the information you shared. It also made me wonder about all our mothers (well those of us from a certain generation :) ) who probably grew up in a time where actually thinking about what you would like was not an option. I mean many women (and actually men) of a certain generation will tell you that when they were growing up the code for behaviour was set. You grew up; you married; had the kids and set up home and plan for that retirement together, and that was that. You see in films all the time and even in real life conversations with individuals of that generation where women (let's say) would comment to their daughters.. 'Oh honey, this is what will happen on your wedding night. Just be patient and it will be over in a little while.' Part of the package.. lol.. Really wonder what many of these women would say if they were to visit AVEn and realise that there always were many other options. The other element being too that I don't think a lot of people talked about sex, or were adequately schooled in how to make the activity enjoyable for both partners and subsequently I am sure that that sent the ickiness factor soaring through the roof! Certainly, the sexual freedom of the 60's and 70's where people actually learned more about the pleasure factor... oooh that sex could be for more than procreation, could be recreation, and could be fun (though mind you, I am still campaigning to bring back sex as purely a tool of procreation :lol: ) might have helped a few of these women to really enjoy if by their nature they were equipped to actually enjoy sex.

Bit of a rambler too lol.. pardon.

[Ravenclaw]

Welcome to AVEN!!

We were on MSN? So cool. Does anyone have a copy of the article? I used to dream about us being on msn...

I'm so sorry, I didn't even think to save the article. I remember seeing it (I think under the link "No Sex?") and hitting the link, and reading it and being totally and completely blown away by reading that there really were other people who, believe it or not, would rather not have sex, thank you, if it's all the same. :)

I'll see if I can hunt it up in the meantime. It must have been under MSN Dating and Personals...

[Shivers]

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?arti...c=2&lid=159

Theres also a thread about it in the "world watch" forum.

[confused but not confused]

Hi Ravenclaw,

Just a few days ago, I also found this website through msn. I was/am so happy to find it out. I also had the same questions in my mind and same feelings throughout my life. Just a little difference that I am in love with someone who is very sexual. I got very good advice from this forum under my question and now I am ready to take the risk to get married in this coming August. I am also inexperience and feels nausea even with the thought of body fluid transfers, no oral no nothing. My fiancee has offered me that Sex between us will always be on my discretion. According to my beliefs which I follow by my own will, both of us can't experience outside wedlock. What I will advise you, although I am not in a position to advise atleast till August :), keep your options open and meet the people and maybe one day you will find love of your life and maybe both of you can adjust according to situation. Maybe his love will make you go through it as I sometimes expect and/or maybe your love will make him change his lifestyle as he offered me. NO woman like the phases of pregnancy but they go through it to achieve their kids. Maybe we will have to go through a several times for our loved ones. I also have a plan of ONLY ONE TIME PREGNANCY to become Mother.

[Ravenclaw]

Thank ya Mr. (Ms.?? :)) Spock. I looked but couldn't locate that article.

And, thank you, everybody, for your advice and kind support. I'm very, very happy to have found this community, and I appreciate everyone's help.

[Shivers]

Thank ya Mr. (Ms.?? :)) Spock. I looked but couldn't locate that article.

And, thank you, everybody, for your advice and kind support. I'm very, very happy to have found this community, and I appreciate everyone's help.

Mr.... (-:þ but that's okay; I seem to be mistaken for a female on here all the time......

[Ravenclaw]

*laugh* Sorry. I just didn't want to assume that, since you were calling yourself Spock, you must be a guy. One never knows...

Live long and prosper, by the way. ;)

[confused but not confused]

Awww Spock Jr, I am sorry, I aslo considered you as female when you replied my question. So cute...:), I cannot think of a male on this website. I thought men are always dying for sex, thinking about it 1000 times a day etc. It is really heartwarming to find a male here. I want to know your story that how did you figure out that you are asexual etc. Can I find it anywhere on this website?

[Shivers]

I want to know your story that how did you figure out that you are asexual etc. Can I find it anywhere on this website?

Yeah, I'll dig up my intro post in the welcome forum for ya.... hang on... aha! http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=6265

Then there's updates here, here, here, and here....

http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=7336

http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=7699

http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=7987

http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=8060

Third and fourth are threads that I've posted this week, so you might have seen them already.

And dont worry about assuming I'm female... like I said, happens a lot on this site, mainly because of the male stereotype. Besides, I was just in a relationship with a guy, so that might have thrown you too (I'm biromantic-asexual) Doesn't faze me.