I'm afraid of BDSM

[Gresskar]

I'm so sorry if this question should belong in another forum. I don't consider myself asexual, rather a sexual with an asexual mindset, I'm not sure. That is not the main concern for this topic, it's just that I need to get this out. AVEN is the only place I feel completely safe that I can talk about myself without anyone to judge me.

So the thing is, my boyfriend, or actually fiance, but I often just call him my boyfriend - he's into BDSM. Hardcore. We have already done some play, where I have been more or less comfortable. I had an obvious problem from the start. I see nothing sensual, erotic or sexy with BDSM, it frightens me, actually, and I have told him many times that I don't want to get more into it before I have my mind at ease and can do safe, healthy play that won't hurt neither me nor him mentally or physically.

My boyfriend is a bit narcistic, and he's aware of this problem. That he often just thinks about himself without being concerned about my well-being. Recently we finally had the talk where he openly admitted that he should have acted differently from the start. In the beginning he turned very angry, insulted and cold when I refused to do BDSM, and he told me he was too impatient to wait for me to get ready over time, and he didn't feel like helping me with it either. It had been quite a shock to him that since we were so perfect together otherwise, that we should be so different when it came to sex, so he admitted that he didn't want to accept that this was the case. There was simply no way I couldn't like BDSM as much as he did.

My boyfriend is a switch, so many times I have been the dominant one because I could be in control and be as gentle as I wanted. I was always very careful because I didn't want to hurt him, even though he encouraged me to me "a bit rougher" and such. But now, after we talked it out some days ago and finally understood each other well, he wants to be the dominating one.

The problem is that I'm frightened by the thought of being tied or chained up. I have only done it a few times before, and the emotional challenge of being put in such a vulnerable position often brought me to tears which were hidden beneath by blindfold. He would always stop when I told him to, but when I did, he would usually just release me, sigh and lay down to sleep with his back facing me. Clearly being disappointed.

We have struggled with this for soon one and a half year now. Otherwise, when we're not doing BDSM, our sex life is amazing. And lately we haven't done any such play because I have been confident enough to tell him that if I don't want to, I don't want to, and he must accept that.

But now after our long talk about each other's emotions and come to an understanding, we are going to start doing it again. I don't know what it is with BDSM that frightens me so much, I think it is mainly that I don't find it a turnon at all, so it's very difficult to imagine a future where I will be involved in night-long sex plays and games. I want to do it for him, I want to make him happy, and I also want myself to enjoy it, I just don't know how.

The problem with being tied or chained up is that I don't know how to act. I'm not the kind of person who can act vulnerable without feeling stupid, and just being plain vulnerable as myself won't work. I don't want my own emotions to be a part of it, at the same time I'm afraid to be all detached and numb while we do it. I asked my boyfriend if we could try once that instead of acting like a cold, dominant person who keeps me tied up to punish me, we could instead work on me emotionally trusting him. I honestly asked him if he could stroke my hair, my cheek, and use the play to show that he loved and appreciated me, which would make me feel safer when we're getting into more serious stuff. He wasn't too excited about that, as it didn't really go along with his fantasies.

I have tried so many different ways to talk to him, make him happy, understand and work my way into it. I'm not a coward who can't stand up for myself, so if there is no solution, I will end up having to tell him that "the limit goes here, and no further". But I know it will hurt him. BDSM and sex is a big part of him, and it means a lot to him to finally have a girl who is willing to try.

I would like to ask advice from people who might be in a similar situation. I'm very very shy and I'm very "stuck up", as one would say. I have an extremely low libido and even normal sex is tiring for me. But I have heard that many people find something very exciting in BDSM and it can be fun with a trusting and loving partner.

Does anyone have any advice or words they can share to help me get over my fear? Or something they think my boyfriend should hear, or advices on how he can handle me? He knows I'm going to post this question, and he would like to hear if there's some advice that could help us.

I think we both basicly jumped into the world of BDSM without thinking about the mental and physical dangers of it. Well, I did anyway, and he didn't consider that I wasn't ready. I want so badly to fulfill this need he has, but I can't sacrifice my own well-being for his sake, so I need to figure out how I can start enjoying BDSM rather than fearing it, so any people who might have good experience with it might share also. I'm just glad to hear if there's happy stories about such!

[test account]

Hmm.

[Azure.Providence]

You don't sound stuck up to me. The fact you are even trying BDSM is proof of that. Trust is huge when you are the sub and if he is not willing to make you feel safe then don't do it.

[Sally]

It sounds like you're very concerned about making him happy, but he's not so concerned about making you happy. You need to take care of yourself. There's really no way to make yourself enjoy something that you don't enjoy, and its very difficult to make yourself lose fear of something, especially if your partner can't be relied upon to help you feel safe.

Please consider your own feelings -- you're responsible for yourself, not anyone else.

[Gresskar]

Thank you for your thoughts!

I am indeed very concerned about making him happy. In the beginning, we both spent long time in finding trust and being comfortable with each other. We waited for two years before we had sex for the first time, and during those years he was the most loving, gentle and caring man I have met. It all changed when we started having sex and he probably got some sort of "yes, finally!" reaction and got impatient after that. But he gave me so much safety before, and I just wish I could have that back.

But indeed, if things don't work out, I will have to stand up for myself. He won't leave me just because we don't have the same preferences, and I won't leave him, for there's many different things in our relationship which is just as (if not even more) meaningful than sex. But I can feel his frustration that "there just had to be one flaw" somewhere.

I'm always thankful for any advice, big or small opinion ^_^ thank you for your support!

[Nia Onyx]

Ok, I'm new here but I have an idea that my help some. I'm not quite sure, but it mayby. Perhaps if, either before or after, the two of you do something you like. Then you can feel appreciated outside of the context of his fantasy. That way there is more of a give and take to it. Again, I'm not sure if it would help any, but it's an idea.

[Murmur]

I'm not big into the restraints or the whole BDSM aspect, but I figure it's baggage from the past messing with me on that one.

However, I've become my buddie's "test-girl" for his restraints. He's started making his own, and wants to see how they fit, where they hurt, and how they work with a certain kind of chair. I'm perfectly fine doing that, because it's usually a wrist here, a thigh there, and no blindfold. He just wants feedback on movement, pain/pressure and other random stuff. If my fibromyalgia's acting up, I tell him no and it's cool until I can come over some other time. He's really into the local scene, and I'm not, but I have no problem being the guinea pig for his homemade and pretty decent wares.

I forgot where I was going with this. Oh, yeah... If you don't like it, say so and make him not subject you to that stuff. If it makes you cry, it's a big red flag.

[MadRat]

I had an obvious problem from the start. I see nothing sensual, erotic or sexy with BDSM, it frightens me, actually, and I have told him many times that I don't want to get more into it before I have my mind at ease and can do safe, healthy play that won't hurt neither me nor him mentally or physically.

It´s OK not to find anything sexy with BDSM. It´s not for everyone.

I think he should be honest and tell you at the beginning of your relationship about his interest in it. How could he expect you to be into it automatically?

In the beginning he turned very angry, insulted and cold when I refused to do BDSM, and he told me he was too impatient to wait for me to get ready over time, and he didn't feel like helping me with it either.

He isn´t willing to wait for you to get ready, he isn´t willing to help you...Is there something he was ever willing to do for you?

The problem is that I'm frightened by the thought of being tied or chained up. I have only done it a few times before, and the emotional challenge of being put in such a vulnerable position often brought me to tears which were hidden beneath by blindfold.

OMG! You should NEVER force yourself to do something what you don´t like. And something what makes you cry.

I don't know what it is with BDSM that frightens me so much, I think it is mainly that I don't find it a turnon at all, so it's very difficult to imagine a future where I will be involved in night-long sex plays and games. I want to do it for him, I want to make him happy, and I also want myself to enjoy it, I just don't know how.

...

I honestly asked him if he could stroke my hair, my cheek, and use the play to show that he loved and appreciated me, which would make me feel safer when we're getting into more serious stuff. He wasn't too excited about that, as it didn't really go along with his fantasies.

He can´t do only one little thing for you but he wants you to do all the time so big sacrifices for him.

Run away, I wouldn´t waste even one second for that selfish jerk.

[Orenda]

First of all ~big hugs~ for having to deal with this situation.

I am quite involved in the BDSM/fetish scene, down to having helped with club nights and been a demo bunny for various activities, including some of the more hardcore edgeplay stuff, it is something that you have to be comfortable with doing if you are ever going to enjoy it, the fact that your boyfriend is unwilling to help you learn if you like the things he does is awful. BDSM is like any other part of your relationship, it needs to be based on trust and communication, even more so if you are nervous or unsure of yourself and the things being done to you.

If he is treating you like this then he obviously has no respect for you. If you are determined to try and give the BDSM world a go to make him happy then maybe write down a scene that you would be willing to do with him, down to the fine details such as having him stroke you face, neck, arms etc when you get nervous or unsure until you feel able to continue, present this to him and see if he is willing to try this for you, just please make sure you have a safeword in place and that he is willing to stop if you use it.

Feel free to PM me or I would suggest www.fetlife.com for various forums etc on BDSM topics, it is the Facebook of the Fetish world and has a lot of very knowledgeable people who are willing to help with advice and ideas.

[thylacine]

Gresskar, can I ask you something? Why do you want to make him happy, since he's obviously not making you happy? I mean, you are dealing with a narcissist, as you already said he was a narcissist. He keeps on wanting to "play stuff" that makes you way too uncomfortable, so what kind of relationship is this? I don't think this relationship is working too well. It sounds pretty one sided to me -- it's all about him and what he wants to do. He sounds absolutely selfish. I am sorry, but why do you stay with him?

Okay, hey, I'm asexual and aromantic and totally don't dig this "relationship" nonsense myself, but maybe you have to have a logical person have a look at this from the outside. And it looks abusive. You say you don't want to hurt him, but he's doesn't seem to care whether he hurts you. The way you describe him, he sighs and sulks when you don't want to play his "stuff," this sounds like he's immature, also.

I can't understand this BDSM stuff, either, not interested and don't care. Gresskar, not everybody likes this weird stuff, okay? It's okay to not want to be chained up. Like, what is wrong with this dude he wants his girlfriend to do so much stuff that makes her so un-freaking-comfortable? I am sorry, but something is wrong with this picture.

I am not judging you -- but I wonder about him.

You are probably one of these nice girls that wants to make everyone happy. I used to be like that, too. And yah know what? People in my life saw I was a nice person who wanted to make everyone else happy -- and some of them became total leeches. Certain people, for instance would leech off my time, enlist me to help them with stuff, or drive them places, or help them with some projects or whatever. And yah know what? I'd end up doing the most of the work on "their projects" while they sat back and criticized. Or if I drove them here or there, they'd complain I'm not driving fast enough, or in the alternative, I'm going too slow. One person wanted to borrow my favorite boots to go out dancing and came back, and my boots were a mess when she gave them back -- all scuffed up. Stuff like that, etc. And yah know what? When I needed something, when I needed help with a project, when I needed a ride, when I needed to borrow something, these people were not there for me. So then I learned from that. When someone is a leech, for your time, your money, your emotions, your sex life, whatever... you gotta be rid of that person. So for those people, I stopped answering he phone, or told them, "you need a ride, call a cab," or, "you didn't like how I did your project last time, so, you do your own work now."

Selfish, narcissistic people don't change. I've been patient with people, hoping they would change, and found that people like that don't change. They like to see what they can get away with, and when you get annoyed they say "sorry," and make nice for a few weeks, then start up being a leech again... Or like you said, they sigh and turn their back and act disappointed like sulking little bratty kids. So, honey, Gresskar, leeches gotta go. No room for leeches in a nice person's life.

Your boyfriend, as you said is a narcissist. He sounds selfish, immature, and inconsiderate of your feelings. I don't think he's ready for a mature relationship, okay? And yah know what? I think you deserve better. There's someone else out there for you. Someone who will be considerate of your feelings, someone kind, someone who deserves you a lot more than he does. You gotta go out and find that person. You will be sad to leave this boyfriend, and feel that you hurt him. But you'll both get over it, in time. He'll find a girl who likes his "stuff," and you'll make a better life for yourself.

Okay? So, that's my advice, if you want it.

[1helluvabutlr]

I personally would hate to be tied up and such things, even though I would not mind doing that to people, but that's because I am dominant. I honestly think you should tell him that you do not like it and that you do not mind having sex with him otherwise he needs to respect the fact you do not like being vulnerable, hell if someone told me I had to do it get tied up and stuff and be dominant over me I would not take it at all.

[thylacine]

Gresskar, I have read up on narcissistic personality disorder, and they don't usually want to change. It seems they want to change other people in their life to fit "their needs" -- it's all about "their needs." Gresskar, do you want to be dealing with this same disagreement you have with him 20 years from now? I cannot tell you what to do, but if I was you, I'd find someone else, someone who took my feelings into consideration.

[Cakey]

BDSM .... You can't beat it!

[thylacine]

I just remembered something... my ex-friend (the narcissist I no longer associate with because she was a leech) was into BDSM, which did not involve me, but she would "enlist" other people into it & stuff. She used to brag that she "had a collection of videos" which are "so bad" she "can't let anyone know" she has them (then why was she telling people that she had them??? Maybe she thought it impressed other people that she had stuff like that -- maybe it impressed other people but not me).

But anyway, yeah, my ex-narcissist-friend was into that stuff, now that I remember, so I wonder if there is a connection with being a narcissist and liking BDSM? That would be a good research project, I suppose.

[CuriousCrow]

So the thing is, my boyfriend, or actually fiance, but I often just call him my boyfriend - he's into BDSM. Hardcore. We have already done some play, where I have been more or less comfortable. I had an obvious problem from the start. I see nothing sensual, erotic or sexy with BDSM, it frightens me, actually, and I have told him many times that I don't want to get more into it before I have my mind at ease and can do safe, healthy play that won't hurt neither me nor him mentally or physically.

Partners having different interests, sexually, is not necessarily a bar to a successful relationship. I should know, as my partner of 12 years is not at all interested in most of what is included under the BDSM umbrella - and I really, really am. I even had a 24/7 BDSM-based relationship prior to this one - but my 'wife' (nonlegal, due to silly state bans on homosexual marriage) sees nothing whatsoever sexy in being restrained or whipped or spanked - none of the purely physical aspects of BDSM. And really? That's okay. I have not ever and will not ever push her toward that sort of play, because I deeply respect her, and I want not just her cooperation, but her enthusiastic consent whenever we are sexual together.

My boyfriend is a bit narcistic, and he's aware of this problem. That he often just thinks about himself without being concerned about my well-being. Recently we finally had the talk where he openly admitted that he should have acted differently from the start. In the beginning he turned very angry, insulted and cold when I refused to do BDSM, and he told me he was too impatient to wait for me to get ready over time, and he didn't feel like helping me with it either.

The problem is that I'm frightened by the thought of being tied or chained up. I have only done it a few times before, and the emotional challenge of being put in such a vulnerable position often brought me to tears which were hidden beneath by blindfold. He would always stop when I told him to, but when I did, he would usually just release me, sigh and lay down to sleep with his back facing me. Clearly being disappointed.

I have to say, this raises BIG red flags with me. The hoary old phrase in the BDSM community is "Safe, Sane and Consensual". A large part of the "Safe" part of that is the RESPONSIBILITY of the top in the scene to pay very close attention to the well-being, both physical and emotional, of the bottom. This means negotiating what will happen in the scene beforehand, checking in often if there is ANY question that the bottom may not feel able to use hir safeword, and gentle, loving aftercare REGARDLESS of whether the scene was 'completed' or not. Running off to sulk while you are scared and uncomfortable? Really, deeply uncool.

I asked my boyfriend if we could try once that instead of acting like a cold, dominant person who keeps me tied up to punish me, we could instead work on me emotionally trusting him. I honestly asked him if he could stroke my hair, my cheek, and use the play to show that he loved and appreciated me, which would make me feel safer when we're getting into more serious stuff. He wasn't too excited about that, as it didn't really go along with his fantasies.

If he is not willing to do something this simple for you, I recommend you rethink participating in BDSM play with him. If you aren't turned on by this, and he has no interest in helping you to get more comfortable with the basics before rushing to his fantasy fulfillment - the likelihood is that when he gets deeply into his fantasy he wont be paying attention to your health and safety as he should either. To be quite blunt - you could sustain actual physical injury from this kind of play, even from the simple restraint, if they are not fitted and fastened properly, and an irresponsible and innatentive top increases this risk dramatically.

I'm very very shy and I'm very "stuck up", as one would say. I have an extremely low libido and even normal sex is tiring for me. But I have heard that many people find something very exciting in BDSM and it can be fun with a trusting and loving partner.

The fact that you link the 'being stuck up' to not enjoying BDSM concerns me. Your enjoyment or lack thereof of any given activity means only that you are a human with your own unique set of tastes. It's like saying I am stuck up because I do not enjoy Red Velvet cake, even though many people rave about it.

Does anyone have any advice or words they can share to help me get over my fear? Or something they think my boyfriend should hear, or advices on how he can handle me? He knows I'm going to post this question, and he would like to hear if there's some advice that could help us.

Advice for your boyfriend:

If this is really important to you, than you need to make your lover/pre-sub your absolute priority. Do a lot of reading - primers like 'Screw the Roses" or "The Topping Book" can be helpful. Main thing is though, if you are in this only for your fantasy, you are likely to really hurt your partner - whether the damage be physical or mental or emotional is immaterial.

If you cannot make her the center of the scene - her pleasure, her frame of mind, her safety above all - then accept that this kind of play is not for your relationship, and focus on the rest of your mutual bond.

I know I come on a little strong here, especially as I am brand-new to this board. But I do have..rather strong opinions in this area. Only my opinion, of course - I am by no means the be-all and end-all of BDSM Knowledge And Wisdom. But that's my 8 cents (adjusted for inflation).

[never odd or even]

Hey there, also into the scene myself, and as a switch who is mostly a Dom, I can say that trust, respect for boundaries and a completely open communication line is very very necessary as I'm sure you know. Building up trust may involve doing lighter things before getting into the heavier stuff, just as with anything else, and if either you or your partner cannot build up trust in this area then I think you have bigger problems. Is there a reason why he is unwilling to build up trust in this area? Is there a reason why you are afraid of being in the handcuffs?

I think you should assess these questions before you engage in such play. If either partner pushes one into doing something they do not wish to do, either by guilt, coercion, force or otherwise then problems are afoot in varying degrees. It may be beneficial to seek counselling in this area if you cannot fix the problem by yourselves. Both of us are aware that play is something that needs to be based on trust, which evidently isnt present. I know myself that I needed at least a year before being comfortable with BDSM, and that was taking things little by little, allowing myself to learn, grow and trust my partner. If you really do want to be comfortable in this area it takes two of you; he must be considerate of your needs, agree to take things slow, not be disappointed or make you feel guilty, and you need to be honest about your comfort zones, try new things slowly, allow time for exploration of ideas that may not usually come into what you might normally consider. This is not an opening for either of you to exercise control or manipulate the other, its an opportunity for you to explore trustingly and lovingly. If it isnt working then you both need to acknowledge this too. Hope this helps. :)

[Gresskar]

Hello everybody!

It has been a while now. I needed to take a long break to read all the good advices and support I have got from you guys on what to do and how to deal with this. I feel now I can't leave this post unanswered without telling how things have been lately.

I decided to stand up to my boyfriend shortly after getting the courage from reading the replies to this post. After a long talk, I think we reached through to each other somehow. He was deeply sorry and felt guilty for his behaviour, and we decided that we shall "start from the beginning" when it comes to our sexual life. Now he knows how I feel, and I know how he feels, and both shall be very careful to respect each other's needs and emotions. I have learned to be more self confident and selfish about my own needs, instead of constantly working to please him. I think my self confidence also helps him realize that he can't always have his will, and he's perfectly fine with that.

I also followed a great advice I got in this topic about writing down a detailed scene I would be willing to try out with him. I also pointed out that if I told him to stop, it would be because of my emotions not being in tune with what happens. Which means that if he would turn away and be disappointed, it would only make matters worse. After our many long talks it wasn't hard for him to understand that, and he has been very loving and caring for my emotions lately. We have put the BDSM stuff away for a little while and just been cuddling and gentle like we used to be, and his mood has really changed. Knowing that he now cares for my emotions and feelings regarding this makes it much more easier for me to trust him, and right now I'm actually pretty fine with the thought of doing slight bondage again. I will probably never be truly into it, but just like my partner can now enjoy cuddling and vanilla stuff with me, I can enjoy to do BDSM with him.

Mainly I just wanted to thank you all for all your support, advices and thoughts on this matter! I shall keep every word in mind and take better care of myself, my emotions and life from now on! I never expected to get such great and loving help from people here, so hugs and cake to you all for being so patient and kind!

[Anthro-apologist]

Hello Gresskar,

Although your recently posted conclusion indicates you may be finished with this thread, I wanted to add a few comments to some of the other responses, particularly the fantastic reply from CuriousCrow.

I recently graduated from college where I majored in Cultural Anthropology (to which my username pays homage) with a special concentration in sexuality and women's issues. BDSM never came up specifically (except in one session of a philosophy class), but my own participation in the subculture as well as my own independent research has been incredibly enlightening.

One of the most important lessons I learned from sexuality studies is that sexual preferences are understood best on a gradient. Though specific labels are helpful (homosexual v. bisexual v. heterosexual etc.), they aren't precise enough in themselves to allow for a thorough understanding of a person's specific idiosyncrasies. BDSM is no exception.

As you probably know, some people only participate in bondage and domination, some only care for sado-masochism; some people like a lot of toys and others just like to use their hands. There are preferences for fire-play, restraints, discomfort, auto-erotic asphyxiation, and more, of course, but just like vanilla sex, it's extremely varied and most couples will have to make compromises to ensure that both partners are satisfied.

Like other people have posted, BDSM is mostly a thing you're either into or you aren't--it's every bit as legitimate a sexual orientation as LGBTQ (and 'A'!), so very little of one's position along the BDSM gradient is affected/shaped by cultural environment.

It's like hating mushrooms or brusselsprouts; most tastes are simply instinctual, and forcing yourself to ingest it is only going to strengthen your distaste. Continuing on with the metaphor, sometimes adding new combinations of seasonings or processing a detested food in a particular manner can change a person's opinion on that particular food item. I'll use myself as an example: I used to hate all peppers prepared in any manner, but as I tried different peppers in different ways, I eventually came to love the little vegetables (except raw). On the other hand, I will never like seafood because I'm allergic to it--it's just bad all around for me.

The both of you would do well to figure out what aspects of BDSM affect you like peppers and which ones affect you like seafood; maybe you can learn to like bondage if your Dom serves it to you in a delectable dish, but if you're allergic to blindfolds and spankings, then shy away from it because they do not make epi pens for sexual encounters!

After a loquacious introduction, I guess what I'm trying to suggest is that you do some research and a lot of soul-searching.

BDSM is a popular research subject in Sociology, but it's a little dense so you might want to stay away from it unless you're a masochist like me (zing!). Honestly? BDSM romances have been some of the best sources of information for me over the past two years or so because they give great ideas and help outline some of the basic tenants of BDSM, such as the mantra "Safe, Sane and Consensual" and the emphasis on mutual respect and partnership. If those books turn you on, then that's a great start for you to identify some of the things that make you feel comfortable and what turns you off.

I hope that helped, and I hope you and your boyfriend can both grow from this experience.

Anthro-apologist

[Artiface]

Once I met someone who assumed I would be ok with their BDSM humour.

As if everyone is primed for humiliation, domination or pain.

Someone once emphasised to me the common place use of consent, but that is not my only concern.

After all, if I consent to humiliation, to pain, or to dominate, what does that say of me?

I hate hierarchy, and because I am both an ace and anarchist, that is the first thing I see in BDSM.

Secondarily, I study psychology, and so the second thing I see is narcissism, and then, the third is depersonalisation.

Friends of mine speak favourably of BDSM, as if the enriching Sun lies behind my 3 disincentives, which utterly eclipse it from where I'm standing.

I have spent months attempting to decrypt this fetish, and often I've felt myself getting close to understanding, but never agreeing.

I've been getting more uncomfortable with BDSM up until now, when those feelings surpass even my discomfort for Sigmund Freud.

[Lydian]

I think the important thing is to live for yourself and only yourself. If you choose to go outside your boundaries it has to be because YOU want to. For example, if I were to do something I didn't really want to, it would be because it was for the sake of something I wanted more. It's ok to want to put your partner happy, but it has to be for your sake too. I like making people happy because it makes me feel happy, but I never forget to put myself first and never jump in where I'm going to come out miserable.

Worry about yourself first. If you're with someone who truly loves you they wouldn't want to see you miserable. If they're willing to make you miserable for their own sake, they're not the kind of person you should be with. Live for yourself, not your boyfriend.

[Phoenix842]

ALL the support for you.

Listen, I am heavily biased against BDSM...All of my relationships have been abusive and ALL of my exes imposed BDSM on me without my enthusiastic consent. So, no, I laugh at people that say BDSM is all about consent. In my opinion, it sexualizes violence and abuse. So if I meet anyone interested in BDSM it immediately raises red flags for me.

Basically, I loathe it. I try to be sex-positive in general, but BDSM is where I am most conflicted.

If your partner is doing anything that is making you uncomfortable, dump your partner. I will link resources if needed to assist anyone interested in getting out of an abusive relationship, but I won't force you to do so.

[Tealeaf]

I say this as someone who practices BDSM:

Why are you so concerned for him? What about you? What about your fear? What about your comfort? I'd be astonished and furious if someone in a position to care about and respect me treated me the way he treats you over sex, and I guess I never understood the desire to let someone act like a brat - selfish, cold, only kind when things go right - because I didn't give them what they wanted with my body in the name of love.

Among serious (and at least halfway respectable) BDSM practitioners, there's stress on respect between partners and concern for each other's comfort and needs. It's about gratification through unconventional means and you should be extremely wary of anyone who isn't interested in helping you become comfortable at your pace, pressures you, or treats you coldly when you don't give them what they want - the last one is a relationship tactic I always viewed as coercive. There should be significantly more stress on those things in relationships, too.

[Amedot]

If you just can't get into BDSM, perhaps you and him could go to a fetish/BDSM club, where he can go to a dungeon/area to be whipped, or even whip others? Explore his kink with you there, but without you being involved in the play? BDSM requires intense trust and vulnerability, and if you find yourself feeling scared or crying, I don't recommend forcing yourself into it. I don't know a single person who cried/felt real fear when beginning BDSM, and then learned to accept/love it.