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AnotherMember

Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!

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Menadena
On 8/29/2012 at 7:53 AM, AnotherMember said:

The purpose of this thread it's to talk about the homoromantic or lesbian experience. Of course Bi girls and intruders are invited to talk too, but you will be an intruder :evil:, just like me :rolleyes: haha!

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?
How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?
Are you yet not sure?
Have you come out of the close as any of both?

Editeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! LOL

Please inform me if this need more editing for failing in labels :P

As a transwoman I have put *WAY* too much work into my identity for the word lesbian not to be in there somewhere. :)

 

I was romantically involved before my transition but, asexual or not, was strongly opposed to the idea of sex while I had the wrong body. By the time my body matched my mental map I found out my partner was asexual. The more I thought about it the more I realized asexual applied to me as well.

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AnotherMember
1 hour ago, KaraH said:

As a transwoman I have put *WAY* too much work into my identity for the word lesbian not to be in there somewhere. :)

 

I was romantically involved before my transition but, asexual or not, was strongly opposed to the idea of sex while I had the wrong body. By the time my body matched my mental map I found out my partner was asexual. The more I thought about it the more I realized asexual applied to me as well.

I'm glad that things are working well for you. And as I said in my first post, let me know if I need to add something, but be really specific about how should I add so anyone feels excluded, just in case :P.

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Vara
On 7/30/2017 at 1:47 AM, Mrs Dalloway said:

Hi, I'm new here. Definitely 100% sapphist, but sex and even kissing have never done it for me. I have had a few sexual relationships in which I pretended, and very recently I tried to be sexual again with disastrous consequences. I guess I was just trying to connect/ feel something. It was a brief catastrophic end to a new whirlwind intense friendship.

I would love an asexual lover. To have the sense of belonging, emotional attraction & romance. Something healthy but with the intensity of lovers. A primary someone. But I don't even know where to start. I'm an introvert, very shy, which makes the whole thing even more scary. I would love friends like me too, real ones with whom I can chat face to face, take a walk, ruminate. Doesn't anyone else hunger for these things?

I am reluctantly identifying as homo-romantic asexual--just trying to fit it all together, not meaning anything harmful by my use of 'relucantly'--but I leapt at your description of an ideal relationship because it is what I am after too.

 

My descriptiom for it is 'A level of friendship which is exclusive, monogamus in the sense that nobody else holds the same or higher relationship level and that it be a lifetime commitment.' That is my ideal. That is my dream relationship. hehe

 

I thoroughly believe it to be possible. Not gonna live my life so focused on it, though, that I am miserable without 'my one'.

 

*wishful sigh* But wouldn't it be grand?

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words are futile devices

Okay I just really need to briefly vent about this. 

 

I'm steadily becoming more and more convinced that I have actually been a raging [[still asexual]] lesbian my whole life and just never feckin' knew until recently. HOW THE HELL WOULD I NOT KNOW? I'm at a point where merely thinking about dating straight cis-men makes me want to vomit (that's a bit of an over-dramatization but you get the picture. It's NOT a good thought). There's something about the way being with a man makes me feel not myself. Every time I've been in a ""relationship"" - and it's difficult to even use that word seriously because my longest-running relationship was about 3 months altogether and the most we did was kiss a few times - I just let one thing roll into another and go with the flow of the thing and while the guy's feelings for me are deepening, my feelings (if they ever even actually existed) are stagnating and then regressing. And all the while I get the sensation of slipping away from myself. Losing who I am at the core, to this meaningless directionless relationship. Suddenly I don't talk in the way I normally do, my mannerisms feel forced and acted out instead of natural, I don't possess the confidence necessary to speak what's on my mind. I become someone that I don't even recognize... trying to fit the identity of 'girlfriend' but not understanding how it's supposed to work, how it's supposed to feel... but being certain that it doesn't feel good. Regardless, I lie down and let the relationship take over until I reach my breaking point. And my true self finds the voice to shout "What the eff are you doing? Why are you letting this happen again? Do you enjoy feeling trapped and smothered?" 

 

All that to say... I don't know if it would feel any different with a woman. Maybe I'd deal with the same complications. Maybe I truly am meant to be alone. But I've been thinking about it a lot lately. And when I read accounts of women falling in love with each other, and see my lesbian friends post on social media, it all appeals to me so much more, affects me more powerfully, than hetero love stories. It makes me think, Damnwant something like that. The other day a female cashier flirted with me at a convenience store, and not only was I flattered, I was legitimately pleased. To the point where I almost wanted to go back and talk to her some more. If it had been a guy flirting with me, I without a doubt would have shrunk awkwardly into myself and gotten out of there as quickly as possible. I don't know... I just suspect maybe my entire life I never dared to entertain the thought of dating girls, but now suddenly all bets are off. And yet I'm sitting here terrified at the prospect of actually doing it. 

 

That's all I wanted to say, really. I'm confused AF. But still ace. THAT I am absolutely sure of, no matter what my romantic leanings might be. Thank the gods I'm not completely clueless. :lol:

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Carsonspire

@words are futile devices

Thank you for sharing your story. This is all so relatable and so real! And that cashier flirting with you? That means something about your appearance or behavior was visible enough to her to do so. I don't know about you, but visibility has been key for me to feeling more accepted and learning what I want. (Also, femme invisibility is real.) One thing we both know: definitely ace here. :-)

 

 

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Tadwinks

I identify as an asexual lesbian. I don't mind the term homoromantic asexual, but I think that ace lesbian has a better ring to it. I'm currently seeing a woman who identifies as a biromantic asexual. I like monogamous relationships, kissing, cuddling, nonsexual touching. But when it comes to sex, I'm just not interested. 

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words are futile devices
20 hours ago, Carsonspire said:

@words are futile devices

Thank you for sharing your story. This is all so relatable and so real! And that cashier flirting with you? That means something about your appearance or behavior was visible enough to her to do so. I don't know about you, but visibility has been key for me to feeling more accepted and learning what I want. (Also, femme invisibility is real.) One thing we both know: definitely ace here. :-)

 

 

Thank you for this! Just a couple days ago I was reading articles on femme lesbianism and the struggles that come along with that. I do worry that I give off a "straight" vibe based on the way I dress, the fact that I often wear makeup, etc. My hair is short - buzzed on the sides even - but the rest of me looks rather feminine. I do avoid wearing things that pronounce my hips or chest, and usually I opt for sports bras over regular ones just to minimize things as much as possible. But I also like dresses. *shrug*

 

When you say visibility has helped you feel accepted, what do you mean by that exactly? Visibility as in finding other like-minded people? You're right, femme invisibility definitely is real! I'd love to help combat it somehow, but just am not sure how to go about that, you know? 

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Hann088

Hi, 

I'm polyromatic. I'm attracted to cis women, trans women and androgynous males. Basically I love femininity. I've found it hard to come to terms with being asexual, however I think I'm more demisexual and just haven't met someone once connected to yet. 

The problem is though, it's so hard to find women that are interested. I've actually had more luck with sexuals than asexuals but they expect some compromise which I hate. 

I think as well I like the attention and validity that sexuals give me. No asexual or demisexual has ever told me I'm pretty or flirted with me or asked me to meet. I want all those things, and the way I see it is because I don't want sex doesn't mean I done want the other things. 

What I'm trying to say meaning no offense but I find asexuals and Demi's quite cold and unapproachable. 

Maybe I'm not asexual but instead have issues with physical intimacy? Because I really don't seem to fit in with how other asexuals do things. Or it may just be that although I'm very feminine I have quite a masculine mind and driven to get what I want rather than form a friendship first etc. What do you think?

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Christa

thanks everyone for posting on this topic it's giving me some courage and comfort to know I'm not alone.

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Christa

Does anyone know anything about identifying as gynoromantic? I feel that may fit someone like me who identifies as gender non-binary but who is attracted to females.

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Christa

I identified as lesbian before identifying as asexual/ gray sexual. I use she/her/hers and they/them/theirs pronouns. I do identify as romantic and am romantically attracted to females who present in a more masculine or androgynous way. I've never been able to find a girlfriend or partner who has been okay with the asexual part of my identity though. 

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Deus Ex Infinity
On 14.10.2017 at 2:22 AM, Christa said:

I identified as lesbian before identifying as asexual/ gray sexual. I use she/her/hers and they/them/theirs pronouns. I do identify as romantic and am romantically attracted to females who present in a more masculine or androgynous way. I've never been able to find a girlfriend or partner who has been okay with the asexual part of my identity though. 

Welcome to the club  :/ They'd just run and look at you like coming from outer space every time again.

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words are futile devices

Story time, y'all.

 

I went to a pub with my friend/crush (let's just call her 'A') last night, along with another of her friends ('B'). They're both lesbians. We spent a couple hours on the patio talking. B at one point asked me how my parents reacted when I came out. This question made me feel insanely uncomfortable for some reason... I guess because my sexual orientation isn't something I've ever discussed with either of them. They are both open about being gay, but I've kept completely silent about asexuality and the fact that up until last year I'd never considered myself interested in ever dating women. I feel sort of like a fraud, like I'm pretending to somewhat understand them. I also felt a flash of embarrassment at the thought of mentioning asexuality, like I was afraid they wouldn't believe me. It was beyond awkward. I could feel my face flushing... I'm just glad it was dark out so they couldn't see. My response was something along the lines of, "My parents don't really know what I am... and I guess half the time I don't know what I am either." Ughh it felt like such a cop-out, but I just could not get the truth out in that moment, for some reason. I mean, it's not a total lie, half the time I am pretty damn confused. In theory I might like women. I certainly feel more-than-just-friendly things for A. But I also know for a fact that I'm ace, and I was too afraid to admit it last night. And now this morning I'm frustrated with myself.

 

This is something I'd like to confide in A about, because I know she wouldn't judge me or mock me for it. I guess I'm scared of making things weird between us. Also I still don't know how she actually feels about me, and the thought of her possibly liking me is sort of baffling... but that's because I'm a self-deprecating loser. (: There was this moment last night, while we stood next to each other leaning on the patio railing, where her arms were crossed, and one of her hands sorta found its way on top of my arm. She basically just rested her hand on my arm for a few minutes straight, and the entire time I barely registered the conversation around me because this subtle but definitely intentional physical contact took over all conscious thought. It's electrifying, touching her. I guess I am sorta gay. 

 

We're going to a concert next weekend and staying overnight in an Airbnb together. Maybe that will be the time to be totally honest with her. Oh god.. I'm going to need a few drinks in me first. 

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Deus Ex Infinity
49 minutes ago, words are futile devices said:

Story time, y'all.

 

I went to a pub with my friend/crush (let's just call her 'A') last night, along with another of her friends ('B'). They're both lesbians. We spent a couple hours on the patio talking. B at one point asked me how my parents reacted when I came out. This question made me feel insanely uncomfortable for some reason... I guess because my sexual orientation isn't something I've ever discussed with either of them. They are both open about being gay, but I've kept completely silent about asexuality and the fact that up until last year I'd never considered myself interested in ever dating women. I feel sort of like a fraud, like I'm pretending to somewhat understand them. I also felt a flash of embarrassment at the thought of mentioning asexuality, like I was afraid they wouldn't believe me. It was beyond awkward. I could feel my face flushing... I'm just glad it was dark out so they couldn't see. My response was something along the lines of, "My parents don't really know what I am... and I guess half the time I don't know what I am either." Ughh it felt like such a cop-out, but I just could not get the truth out in that moment, for some reason. I mean, it's not a total lie, half the time I am pretty damn confused. In theory I might like women. I certainly feel more-than-just-friendly things for A. But I also know for a fact that I'm ace, and I was too afraid to admit it last night. And now this morning I'm frustrated with myself.

 

This is something I'd like to confide in A about, because I know she wouldn't judge me or mock me for it. I guess I'm scared of making things weird between us. Also I still don't know how she actually feels about me, and the thought of her possibly liking me is sort of baffling... but that's because I'm a self-deprecating loser. (: There was this moment last night, while we stood next to each other leaning on the patio railing, where her arms were crossed, and one of her hands sorta found its way on top of my arm. She basically just rested her hand on my arm for a few minutes straight, and the entire time I barely registered the conversation around me because this subtle but definitely intentional physical contact took over all conscious thought. It's electrifying, touching her. I guess I am sorta gay. 

 

We're going to a concert next weekend and staying overnight in an Airbnb together. Maybe that will be the time to be totally honest with her. Oh god.. I'm going to need a few drinks in me first. 

I'm sure you'll do great!! Just stay down,  calm and relaxed with not too many drinks in advance ;) Just so you can stay focused and clear for important conversation to get the message to her. It's gonna be ok! *keeping my fingers crossed for you*

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words are futile devices
3 minutes ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

I'm sure you'll do great!! Just stay down,  calm and relaxed with not too many drinks in advance ;) Just so you can stay focused and clear for important conversation to get the message to her. It's gonna be ok! *keeping my fingers craossed for you*

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I really hope I don't chicken out. :lol:

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Deus Ex Infinity
13 minutes ago, words are futile devices said:

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I really hope I don't chicken out. :lol:

Naww it's gonna be fine *pats your shoulder* However, it's totally ok to feel a little nervous after all :P Might be the same for me when meeting up with my crush too :P

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words are futile devices
7 minutes ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

Naww it's gonna be fine *pats your shoulder* However, it's totally ok to feel a little nervous after all :P Might be the same for me when meeting up with my crush too :P

Well I wish you the best of luck whenever you do!! ^_^ 

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Deus Ex Infinity
24 minutes ago, words are futile devices said:

Well I wish you the best of luck whenever you do!! ^_^ 

Thanks! Means a LOT to me :D

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rhwrd

Wow, the thread title is kinda fitting for my feelings and my problems, as well as some of the postings and stories.

 

Phew, actualIy I never knew it all was a thing until I found myself matching this whole asexual-thing, as I like to call it, when reading about it for the first time two years ago. While growing up in a small town, I only knew being sexual was a thing and heterosexual or homosexual was a thing. Also where I lived, everyone always assumed everyone was sexual AND hetero-romantic. Looking back, I always knew I was not sexual in the way "the others" were, but I only recently realized I'm what is called grey asexual and that (oops, yes, my granny would die instantly from a heart attack) I find myself attracted to (some) CIS women (under specific circumstances).

 

Now that the problem of identification and progress in accepting who I am is finally solved, more issues are right ahead. I'm afraid to tell anyone because it's like an odd two in one, not being a regular sexual + being 70% homoromantic/30% aromantic in this rather heteronormative, romantic world. At home I can be who I am but as soon as I leave my place, I feel like I have to wear a hetero mask to fit into this world. Family dinner on Christmas is my personal nightmare, for all of the super personal questions regarding relationships and stuff. Telling lies to people feels like I constantly betray myself. Only my mom is very liberal about anything, though I refuse to tell her because she would use that fact as a personal victory for herself, since she once assumed I was bisexual and she would totally be like 'ha, I knew it, I knew you're not 'regular'. <_< Man, screw this. I totally know that in the end no one is normal or regular because we all are individual and a little different but still I feel so bad about it. I have no idea what to do. Apart from all that, I bet most of all women fitting the type I feel attracted to and living in my area are neither homoromantic, nor grey-a or would accept a grey-a as a partner. Maybe it all happens for a reason tho :mellow::lol:

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RedSteph

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I hadn't heard of homoromantic until I discovered this board :) I don't mind what I'm called to be honest
 

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I knew in my teens that I was attracted to women, but it was my early 20s before I had a girlfriend. I liked having the close companionship & I realised that I was quite a romantic person. I liked to surprise her with flowers, little gifts, hide poems in her pockets etc. Early in the relationship she was the one who initiated the hand holding & kissing, I didn't mind holding hands but when she'd kiss me I'd feel uncomfortable, and I mistook this for my shyness & lack of experience at the time. I didn't like to be touched sexually, but I assumed at the time that if you were in a relationship, then you had sex. I loved her & was scared we'd break up if I told her that I didn't enjoy sex. I tried to make sure that I was the one ...how shall I put this...doing all the work in bed, so I could have some kind of control over not being touched. It worked for a while but she would get frustrated with me & said that she wanted to do the same with me, but I wanted to avoid that and unfortunately I just had to tell her. She wasn't angry with me, but she didn't understand & we broke up. I wish I new about asexuality back then, I thought there was something not wired right in my head. It's funny, when we had sex I wanted her to feel loved & to feel special...yet for me emotionally & physically it just wasn't happening. But I did enjoy knowing that she was enjoying it, does that make sense?
 

Are you yet not sure?

I've not had any sexual feelings or urges, that may sound contradictory as I do find women attractive. But you know what, you never know who you're going to meet in your life so as 99.9% likely that I am about my asexuality I won't make it 100% :) I think if I met a woman & we began a relationship, if she wanted me to touch her I might consider it, only so she could be happy & satisfied, but I'd still not want to be touched myself. Does that make me asexual?? I'm not clued up with all the different terms
 

Have you come out of the close as any of both?

lesbian yes, asexual only to my sister & this board! Finding this board & reading the posts gives me a bit of confidence, and knowing that there's so many who are also this way makes me feel less weird. Ideally I'd like to be in a relationship with a like minded lady & hopefully soon Miss Ace will come along! ;)

 

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punkrocklibrarian
On 9/4/2017 at 8:44 PM, Menadena said:

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?
How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?
Are you yet not sure?
Have you come out of the close as any of both?

 

Hello!  To cut a whole lot of long answers short... yes, still working it out, not sure... and... well, yes and no!

 

confused-dog.jpg

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Deus Ex Infinity
6 minutes ago, punkrocklibrarian said:

 

Hello!  To cut a whole lot of long answers short... yes, still working it out, not sure... and... well, yes and no!

 

confused-dog.jpg

It's ok.  Love your pic :wub:

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punkrocklibrarian

I'm quite impressed with how short i managed to keep that.  Brevity is NOT my strong point!  Then again, i suppose i've gone to the other extreme and not really answered the question /o:  Also i've only just realised there are 15+ pages before this one, which i haven't read yet!  I'll have to come back to it another day...

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words are futile devices

A couple nights ago at work, for the first time ever, I told a dude who asked for my number that I wasn't interested in men. It felt soooo freakin' amazing. And he was so sweet and cool, and said he admired my openness about it. This was a pretty big deal for me, because coming out to a complete stranger is something I hadn't done... like, I've rehearsed it in my head before haha, but wasn't sure I'd be brave enough to actually do it if the opportunity arose. I've just decided to stop fooling myself when it comes to guys... stop giving them my number out of fear of offending them, and thinking 'Well MAYBE I might could develop some sort of romantic feelings for him, maybe we could just see where it goes...?' because NO. I will NEVER want that life. I'm becoming more and more comfortable identifying as an asexual who leans romantically toward women - but I ultimately desire solitude above everything else. I may never date anyone again, and that is okay

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Big J
On 02/11/2017 at 6:03 AM, words are futile devices said:

A couple nights ago at work, for the first time ever, I told a dude who asked for my number that I wasn't interested in men. It felt soooo freakin' amazing. And he was so sweet and cool, and said he admired my openness about it. This was a pretty big deal for me, because coming out to a complete stranger is something I hadn't done... like, I've rehearsed it in my head before haha, but wasn't sure I'd be brave enough to actually do it if the opportunity arose. I've just decided to stop fooling myself when it comes to guys... stop giving them my number out of fear of offending them, and thinking 'Well MAYBE I might could develop some sort of romantic feelings for him, maybe we could just see where it goes...?' because NO. I will NEVER want that life. I'm becoming more and more comfortable identifying as an asexual who leans romantically toward women - but I ultimately desire solitude above everything else. I may never date anyone again, and that is okay

That's Awesome. Congrats! I have never done this yet myself. I always gave out fake numbers, just to get out of the situation. Than for the longest time, I would try to not get into the situations before they would begin. But I just need to step up and be brave and say things out loud. 

So Congrats again and hope things are going good for you!:D

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caetxln

I am both homoromantic and bisexual,am I a intruder? 

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Deus Ex Infinity

I don't think so :)

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LeDeer

Well, the last week I've felt really bad because a friend told me my crush noticed I often tried to stay with her (yup, my crush is a girl eh) and it was evident I had some interest for her. This made me feel really nervous and embarassed when she was near me, I was simply afraid of everything. I was worried if I told them how I felt they would start to avoid me, or that I would start to avoid her because of the embarassment. However my friend assured me that, since they spoke to my crush, it wouldn't have changed anything for her. So last Wednesday I took the opportunity that we were -kinda- alone and revealed my feelings for her. It has been pretty hard to tell her how I felt, as I'm not really good at speaking, especially of things like feelings (it took me like 10 minutes to finally utter a word). It has been a relief to speak to her, because now I no longer have to hide it.

Long story short.... she doesn't reciprocate my feelings. But it didn't hurt that much when she said it, I already knew she wasn't into females; in the end she even gave me a big hug. It could have gone much worse I guess (just as it could have gone better, but I wasn't really hoping for her to reciprocate). Right now we're still friends, and a couple of times we joked about the fact I'm attracted to her. I'm still kinda embarassed in some situations, for example I would like some more (platonic) physical contact with her, but I'm always worried to pass the line and make her uncomfortable or to look too much "needing for her". Maybe the embarassment will fade away over the time.

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Slanty

I'm still trying to work out my orientation. I've never been in a relationship, never dated - I'm very introverted and never wanted to get into a sexual situation - I thought that was just because I was introverted, but now realised it was the asexual in me. I have changed a lot in the last few years, I am more comfortable in myself and I have spent a lot on time reflecting on what I like and don't like. 

I think I would be a romantic person - I love writing letters to pen pals and friends (I love getting things in the post) so I suspect I would do little things like that for a partner. I am not a fan of touching though. The occasional hug and/or leaning on someone on the sofa I could just about do, but not much more than that.

I often take time to just sit and watch a crowd and see who I am drawn too and I find that it is a mixture of males and females, just from a looking at them perspective. However, I have always felt more comfortable with women. I can never really relax with men, friends or colleagues. That's what I am confused over - I don't 'feel' like a lesbian - whatever that feels like - but I feel more comfortable with the thought of being in a relationship with a women. But just to top it all off, I have never even so much as had a crush on someone. I don't know what that feels like, to like someone more than a friend. I love my friends and I have different 'levels' of love and like for different friends, but still very much friends only.

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Deus Ex Infinity
8 hours ago, Slanty said:

I'm still trying to work out my orientation. I've never been in a relationship, never dated - I'm very introverted and never wanted to get into a sexual situation - I thought that was just because I was introverted, but now realised it was the asexual in me. I have changed a lot in the last few years, I am more comfortable in myself and I have spent a lot on time reflecting on what I like and don't like. 

I think I would be a romantic person - I love writing letters to pen pals and friends (I love getting things in the post) so I suspect I would do little things like that for a partner. I am not a fan of touching though. The occasional hug and/or leaning on someone on the sofa I could just about do, but not much more than that.

I often take time to just sit and watch a crowd and see who I am drawn too and I find that it is a mixture of males and females, just from a looking at them perspective. However, I have always felt more comfortable with women. I can never really relax with men, friends or colleagues. That's what I am confused over - I don't 'feel' like a lesbian - whatever that feels like - but I feel more comfortable with the thought of being in a relationship with a women. But just to top it all off, I have never even so much as had a crush on someone. I don't know what that feels like, to like someone more than a friend. I love my friends and I have different 'levels' of love and like for different friends, but still very much friends only.

It's ok . You don't have to label yourself at all. Maybe you're panromantic. Maybe something else. It doesn't really matter just as long as you feel good with it :D I'm also sure you'll find out what being in love really means as it usually comes with some very deep emotional symptomes but there's no need to push or stress yourself out. It may come to you in time eventually.

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