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Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!


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This isn't strictly about homoromanticism but I figured I'd be more likely to get a satisfying answer in this thread rather than the aromantic thread.

You know how some sexual people can see somebody on the street and be sexually attracted to that person. Can the same happen on the romantic side of things? Like seeing someone in public and thinking that you want to date them or snuggle with them? Is that something that comes naturally to you?

Or are romantic feelings reserved for people you already know or have some kind of bond with/connection to already?

Is romantic attraction like an impulse the same way sexual attraction is an impulse? Or is it more like thinking about it and having the thought feel good?

I feel like I've learned all I'm going to without actually being in a relationship, which sucks.

Personally, I've never felt any type of romantic attraction to a stranger, but I can see it happening. The few crushes I've had were towards people I actually knew relatively well, and it took a good amount of time for it to develop. I'm not sure if that's the average idea, but for me, that's how it is.

If you don't mind my asking, are you asking this because you're not sure if you've ever felt romantic attraction?

I'm not sure if I have.

I had what I thought were crushes back in school but only two of them were particularly notable (I think the others were just a result of a "I should have a crush probably" mindset) but I'm not sure if they were romantic or just platonic.....I can't remember if I thought romantic things about them....but I did buy one of them a birthday present once (it's possible it might have been in a romantic sense but I can't remember) and the other one I was a bit clingy around. (I got called her shadow by one of her friends) I mean clingy in a "sit beside them in the class area a lot and talk to them" kind of way. I guess I wasn't as wanted as I thought I was. She seemed like a very moody disinterested person, in hindsight I don't know why I wanted to be around her.

In the case of the first one I think I was in second year in secondary school. (so I was about 13 or 14) and in the latter case it was third year in secondary school. (so about 14 or 15) I can't think of anything that might have been remotely romantic from then to the present day.

I have pretty limited ammo to work with. (That is if it's even ammo in the first place) I don't have anything more recent to work with.

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This isn't strictly about homoromanticism but I figured I'd be more likely to get a satisfying answer in this thread rather than the aromantic thread.

You know how some sexual people can see somebody on the street and be sexually attracted to that person. Can the same happen on the romantic side of things? Like seeing someone in public and thinking that you want to date them or snuggle with them? Is that something that comes naturally to you?

Or are romantic feelings reserved for people you already know or have some kind of bond with/connection to already?

Is romantic attraction like an impulse the same way sexual attraction is an impulse? Or is it more like thinking about it and having the thought feel good?

I feel like I've learned all I'm going to without actually being in a relationship, which sucks.

I do think there is a romantic equivalent for that; I've seen a few people that I quickly decided I would want to cuddle with. It didn't feel like infatuation or anything just a tactile sort of pull and a thought that I'd be willing to go on a date with them or hug/cuddle. It was kind of like the shallow level romantic attraction, at least to me. Because, although there was romantic interest, it wasn't as strong as it is when I have a crush on someone.

It doesn't happen a lot for me, but it does happen naturally and more often than crushes do for me.

As for whether it's an impulse or more of something built from thinking about it, it can be both.

There are people who I instantly think, "I'd go out with them" just based on seeing them smile or based on how they interact with people, and then with others-- usually who I've spoken to but may not know very well-- who I end up romantically interested in on some level because I ended up contemplating them in a romantic role and liked it.

I kind of have three generic categories for these feelings: surface romantic interest (based on not knowing them), romantic consideration (caused by thoughts) of people I know somewhat more personally, and active romantic interest (crushes).

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am not comfortable ID'ing as lesbian only because I feel like other girls have a lot on me - but I love seeing girls together (like sweet and in love) and I know my heart is truly open and happy around women - men just can't do that for me. So I would say I'm homoromantic/queer asexual :) There's just something about a shared womanhood that other relations (ie with men) can't relate to.

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Mycroft is Yourcroft

*Waves nervously* I came out as both asexual and homoromantic on national radio yesterday. I'm still feeling kind of overwhelmed by how supportive everyone is being, which is really cool :) *breathes*

Anywaiz, the time for only lurking round this thread is over!:

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I prefer to go by homoromantic.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

Asexual first. I thought I was aromantic too for quite a long while, and I really dug my heels in when it came to considering anything else because I didn't want to admit that I could be romantically attracted to other people at all.

Are you yet not sure?

I'm pretty sure; there may still be some grey romanticism towards aro that occurs every so often, but as time goes on I'm getting more and more comfortable with my identity in general. Learning how intense my platonic attraction to people can be really helped me define what is 'romantic feeling' for me and what I want from a romantic relationship, and that it's something I only want with another woman ^_^

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

It's a bit of a mixture really; in my queer department at uni I'm out as both, and as both to my immediate family too (and now loads of strangers all around Australia haha), but I'm out as gay to pretty much all my acquaintances, team-mates, and colleagues (though a couple of them insist on thinking bi because "you've kissed boys!" -_- ).

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Welcome to the club and congratulations. Convert three more women and you will receive a brand new toaster free of charge!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I also am not fond of the term 'lesbian', and if I was strictly homoromantic/homosexual, I think I'd much prefer to go with 'gay' instead.

Same here. smile.gif

Same. I'm technically homoromantic ace but I like to call myself gayyyy

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I call myself gay as well but when I'm describing my sexuality, I say, "Romantically, I have a definite preference for girls but sexually, just no thanks."

I don't like the word lesbian for some reason, never have known why...

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For me.. I've known that I liked the ladies for.. sheesh... a very long time. But not like 'gotta find a chick - I'm gonna date a chick' type attraction.. more of the 'happy butterfly and smiles - you're pretty' sort of thing. I remember being young (early middle school maybe?) and feeling warm/fuzzy (I guess) when a female friend would like sit next to me or touch my arm.. but when a boy would do it I always felt anxious and a bit on high alert. I've never had male friends as far back as I can remember (neighbor kids don't count).. and thinking it was weird how some girls can have male friends and be so comfortable around them. I do still identify as Biro but I think the percent scale is fluctuating.

I swear there was another point I wanted to touch upon but I absolutely c a n n o t r e m e m b e r !

The dating app topic - no I've never tried any or even looked for any. I guess it's partly because they seem serious and for me we would have to be friends first. And also because I have like no privacy. That Her one sounds cool because it has an Ace option.. but I still don't know.

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Since 8th grade I have been going back and forth on whether I was attracted to ladiez or not. I always figured that I wasn't interested in women, despite the strong emotional desire I had to be with them, because I wasn't sexually attracted to them. But now that I know that asexuality is a thing, I have started to reconsider.

Recently, I've felt confused and alienated with mainstream heterosexual culture. I chalked this up to my asexuality, meaning, I felt like I couldn't relate to mainstream hetero-ness because I didn't experience sexual attraction at all. But coming to terms with this hasn't helped, so I think that something else may be at the root of my alienation. Maybe it's that I'm romantically attracted to women- it's not a long shot because I have had romantic crushes on girls in the past.

There is also the issue that I've been romantically attracted to dudes too. But my hypothesis is that I've only been attracted to them because I wanted to feel like I was worthy of a dude's affection, or maybe because I wanted to fit in, or maybe because I was bored and lonely and wanted someone to hang out with and our romance obsessed culture told me that I would feel better if I had a boyfriend.

Romantic and sexual orientations are confusing :(

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When I was 9, I thought everyone should be Bisexual, because everyone is pretty. I also thought that babies were made by French Kissing so.....

But I started thinking that I was a Lesbian because I was having dreams about my female friends, and I didn't find male actors handsome, just the women. But all that I wanted to do with her was cuddle, and hug, and I daydreamed about spooning.

So, then I stumbled upon the term Asexual used to describe Natasha Romanova in a fanfiction, and I went "Ummm, Me?"

I took part in a school musical, and I developed a 'crush' on another female friend, and I started to write fiction about us using the 'mate formula' a poplar occurrence in fanfiction (two people are born for each other, may have 'soul-marks' know each other by scent etc.) But once I got into the story, I just had us cuddle. She, incidentally, figured out that I was Asexual first (straight though).

So, that's my story. I have told my parents (yesterday via an email of this site) and they seem to have accepted it. Mam still thinks that I'm too young, but we'll see. She says, "My first boy friend was/is your Dad" So I think she just thinks I need to meet the 'right' person. But I haven't come out as homo-romantic yet. I don't want to date, so I see no need. I told a group of close friends two weeks ago (that I was ace) and they seemed OK with it, they kinda went "Oh?!" and topic change.

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  • 2 weeks later...

When I was trying to figure things out, I knew I wasn't interested in sex with men. But I wasn't sure if I was a lesbian. So I did what I always did: turn to books! (Ah the pre-internet days, now I turn to google). I read that men tended to, ah hem, have physical manifestations of their sexual attraction, but women are less cognizant of it so they tend to notice romantic attraction toward women first. I thought back through my life and realized that while men were always my buddies... women were... ... ... special in a way men weren't.

I figured at the time I just had to find "the right girl" but I've come to realize that I am asexual. Even in a relationship with someone I love, I don't feel motivated to have sex. I've come to realize my attraction is romantic, but not sexual. I still want a relationship with the right woman, and I still want to cuddle and be romantic, but sex isn't an important part of that.

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Thought this would be the perfect place to start on here...besides introductions.

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I agree with others saying Lesbian is iffy to identify. Not sure where I stand on that word. I'd rather say gay? I say Demi/Gray Homoromantic mostly cause it states both sexual and romantic orientation.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

Oh man. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WAS tbh. For the longest time. Growing up in a Southern Christian upbringing was the main reason. I went to private school, Christian, after spending my first two years of school in hell basically. For my own safety really. Conservative Christian views dominated my life! I refused to think about liking girls cause that was bad supposedly. I never really knew any lesbians much less asexuals. Just grew up believing being with a guy was required of me. So I tried. I thought when I was little that I liked two boys but realize that I just really cherished their friendship when bullying was constant. This pretty much made it impossible to even LIKE girls when I felt so alienated from everyone. I knew a boy or two liked me but I remember not being excited by that lol. I DO remember thinking either in middle or high school...what if I'm gay?? I believe that started after watching this woman on a game show saying she knew she was gay because she thought about kissing a girl. Then finding out there were bisexuals around not personally tho. Got me curious. Knew there was SOMETHING different about me. But dismissed it because oh I shouldn't think that. I can only remember falling for one guy my whole life in high school?? Though given that my eventual relationship with him years later was very toxic, it sorta explains the attraction....for reasons.

Um it wasn't until college that I found out about asexuality. Actively figuring myself out finally led me to realizing I'm Ace....and evetually gay. I honestly didn't know for sure that my feelings for girls weren't exactly platonic? And sex wasn't a huge factor obviously. I called myself Biromantic until recently. Mostly cause I thought I could still like guys?? As long as I thought that, I could keep my lady loving side a secret? To my family anyway. I could still show my family I'm "normal". It took until recently to fully accept that men do nothing for me. Asthetically? Aw yeah! I like and appreciate attractive people period but beyond that? I can't. Tried so hard. Having one exception doesn't make me Bi. Fear and internalized homophobia has made it difficult to realize and accept basically. Soo Asexuality first, lady lovin' second!


Have you come out of the close as any of both?

Family? No. Well not the gay part lol. My mom forgets about my asexuality I think? Doesn't come up constantly so. I'm pretty much only fully out online. Can't come out yet because I live with family rn and there's more important things to deal with atm. I'm also scared so there's that too. Not to say I don't feel horrible for keeping it a secret irl.

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I am very thankful for this forum. Finally, a place I fit in and can safely use the terms homoromantic or ace-lesbian without getting any flack.

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Hi all, GingerFloof here,

Just wanted to add my unique perspective on this thread. It's been interesting to read what some of you have to say. I definitely agree that some bi girls are best left out of the equation if you are looking for a stable relationship- I was once one and it was a transitional phase. But for me it transitioned into full-on lesbianism.

Unfortunately this conflicted with my religion. I'm LDS, or Mormon, if you prefer. I had trouble reconciling my religion with my sexuality until I realized that not all relationships have to be about sex. I'm wondering if any of you lovely ladies have had similar experiences with your religion vs. your sexuality?

Right now I'm just feeling lonely and left out of the relationship loop because I know I could never sexually satisfy a man, and yet my religious standards forbid me from engaging in sexual relations with a woman.

I am LDS and mormon as well, and i feel the same way - that I'd never sexually make a man happy (and the fact that they get on my nerves). I had a BF for only 3 months and it didn't work out. We never did anything sexual, but he said something along those lines so I ended it. That and it didn't feel right :/

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- Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I prefer both terms, but if we have to choose one it would be homoromantic. I would love to get a non-sexual relationship with a girl, but due to my parents being homophobes I might not be able to soon. I'm hanging in there though :)

- How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I thought I was a lesbian, but then after some consideration I thought I could never EVER have sex with a female. I then realized I didn't like girls sexually but I do romantically :wub:

- Have you come out of the close as any or both?

Both, but the only person who knows of how I really feel is my mother. I did not tell my father I like girls, because he is a major homophobe. I told him I didn't want sex and told him it's called Asexuality, and even told him about AVEN... and he accepted it :D

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Is it possible that static pictures don't do anything for a person in terms of feeling attracted to the person depicted in them?

Does anyone else feel like that? I wonder if maybe my brain doesn't interpret them as a person....maybe I'm just too aware that it's not actually them. I wonder if anyone can relate to that...

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  • 1 month later...

Ooooh, I was looking for a thread like this, nice! :3 I haven't seen any ace wlw on here so far. 'SUUUP?

The Process;
I found out that I was a lesbian long before I discovered asexuality. Took me a very long time to come to terms with it too due to the abuse I got for it (in short: I got beat up a lot in midde/high school) but now I'm "out and proud" as they say, I guess. :') Realising I was ace (or more like, that there was a word for it) happened about a year and a half ago. I did a little digging in my past and realised I'd always felt like that; despite my obvious attraction to women only. I just didn't understand my aversion to sex and why people enjoyed it so much. Now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm definitely sex repulsed. But yeah, loving women? Being aesthetically/romantically attracted to them? I think I felt this even when I was a kid. I just didn't know what it meant.

Coming Out;
I came out as a lesbian at the age of 19; shortly after meeting some of my best friends on a livejournal community for a band we all adored. These friends literally saved my life! My parents are wonderfully accepting, too. I was 23 when I came out as asexual; one and a half years ago. I'm only out to my parents and my closest friends, some of whom turned out to be not as accepting as I thought they would be. I don't really want others to know, unless they're important to me/want to be in a relationship with me.

It's incredibly hard to find other wlw (women loving women; in case that wasn't clear; cause I'd never erase bi/pan/etc. women) aces out there, especially ones who want to date a bipolar, mentally unstable, chronically ill woman. :unsure:


Buuut yeah, I wanted to bump this thread up; see if there's anyone around, maybe make some friends! :3

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Hello, all. I currently identify as a biromantic asexual. Hope you don't mind me posting here, but I'm looking for people with experiences similar to my own.

I identified as gay at first, I've always felt more drawn to women and because I wasn't sexually attracted to men I assumed I must be gay. Recently, I've come to the conclusion that I'm asexual and mostly likely biromantic. It's been a bit of an odd journey all in all.

I've been out as gay for over two years now and I'm currently struggling to decide whether I should come out again, but this time as a biromantic asexual. On the one hand I don't see how it's anyone's business, but on the other hand everyone assumes that I'm a very sexual person and it is starting to bother me. I know my friends won't have a problem with it, but I am worried about the reaction of some acquaintances.

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magazine-smiles

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?


Either is fine with me.



How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?


Sigh. Let's see. I grew up in a taut Christian household (my brother is even a pastor) and like some others before me have said, I just didn't think about being with a woman because it was never an option. I had various boyfriends up until I was around 20 years old. I'd say my life between 18-21 were my most tumultuous. I was very angry and frustrated my senior year of high school because I wasn't satisfied with my church and what I saw go down all around me. I was also confused because I had developed a huge crush on one of my teachers -- who was female. heh I didn't know what to do with all of this inner turmoil. So being very angry with the fact that I felt stuck in many phases of my life, I just jumped into a relationship with one of my friends, and there stood the shaky ground of having my first girlfriend. That relationship wasn't the greatest, but it was exactly what I needed to discover and realize who I was attracted to. I have been with someone for the majority of my adult life, and it hasn't been since recently (the past year and a half) when I've been single, that I also learned that I was asexual. I took a LOT of time digging deeper into my psyche and even analyzing every relationship that I've had -- male or female. That has been such a liberating experience for me. It's been the best thing to ever happen to me, honestly. I realized why my relationships with men failed (sex/romance mostly), and why my relationships with women eventually failed.



So this leads me to the asexual, and possibly aromantic, part of my journey... I realized that, at the root of my problems in every single one of my relationships, was the fact that I didn't want to have sex. I never understood it. I got waaay more satisfaction with the emotional intimacy, than the physical part. I also felt like I had to compensate for the fact that I never wanted to have sex, with being...overly affectionate? Over-the-top romantic? Almost to prove that there doesn't need to be sex or physical intimacy in a relationship. But while doing that, I lost myself in the process. I lost who I was at the core. I can look back now, and I'm like...who in the world was that? haha I didn't like how much I relied on my girlfriend(s) for happiness -- how much of myself was completely destroyed when they left.



Are you yet not sure?


I'm sure that I love women on a totally different level than men...



Have you come out of the closet as any or both?


I am out as gay/queer/lesbian to my family, but only out as asexual to a couple of close friends.


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  • 3 weeks later...

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

either/or.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

hmm i'm just gonna think out loud here cuz i'm not too sure. i actually thought i was straight back in high school. i just thought i was a straight woman and it was normal for women to not feel sexual attraction. after some awkward experiences with guys, i started to realize i wasn't really into that and thought i might be a lesbian. then i had a relationship with a woman and she broke up with me because of my lack of sexual drive/interest. i guess that was when i started to have a seed of the idea that i might be asexual. then i stumbled across asexuality on the internet and all of a sudden it all made sense. i'm not super romantic so the romantic orientation was never super obvious to me. it's kind of taken some trial and error and just realizing over time that i'm more comfortable with women and i think about them in a more romantic-ish way.

Are you yet not sure?

i am sure, but it's taken some time to get here. i think i used to be more bi/pan romantic but my romantic attraction to men has gone away and been replaced w/ stronger attraction to women. also when i was a teen i was attracted to men in sort of a fatherly way--not romantic or sexual, more of a familial or mentor kind of role. for a long time, i mistook that for being romantically attracted to men. i am more mature now and not really in need of a parental figure, which has allowed the lesbian in me to surface. well that's my theory anyway.

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

i sorta came out of the closet to my family as lesbian, but i'm not sure they believe me because i've been single for so long and i used to date guys in the long-ago past. i've come out as ace to a few close friends and once to a guy who asked me on a date. it just kinda fell out that time. but usually i can only talk about it to close friends who i trust.

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Well, I identify as a panromantic asexual, but find myself more attracted to women, especially recently. I hope this doesn't make me an unwelcome intruder! I just haven't had the opportunity for a homoromantic relationship as every girl that's seemed attracted to me has mentioned their high libido straight off the bat, or have been met in a club which, by my worry, is the place one goes to grab a quick one-night stand.

I was going to make a topic ranting about how, yes, homosexuality is hard because of the pretty low likelihood that the object of your admiration will share your orientation - but my word! Throw asexuality into the mix and the Venn diagrams grow tighter and more complex with factors like "asexual", "attracted to me", "attractive to me", "relatively local", "not a sociopath/abusive/dangerous" all causing that desirable middle space to be dishearteningly small. As much as long-distance relationships work for some, I am very much a cuddly person and find physical communication both comforting and largely crucial in a relationship. Perhaps polygamy is a more viable option, so a partner can have a sexual relationship or one-night-stands, but still come back to me for cuddles!

With very disappointing and heartbreaking relationships so far, both romantic and sexual, and having spent much of my time single, sometimes it can be really lonely.

Can anyone else relate?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I use both, but I tend to use homoromantic more.

How was it the processing of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian or - insert here proper name - and then asexual?

I discovered that I was homoromantic 1st. Figuring out my romantic orientation, which at the time I thought was my sexual orientation, took my a total of 3 years, at which time I came out as gay. I then discovered the term asexuality while doing further reading about the Kinsey Scale online. Out of curiosity decided to research it, and discovered AVEN. As I read about it I realized that it was describing me! It took me 2 weeks to comes to terms with it and to accept my asexuality.

Are you not yet sure?

I'm absolutely sure.

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

I've come out as both to my family, friends, and to anyone else who asks about my sexuality.

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kittens.bunnies

(intruding panromantic asexual here!)

I always experienced romantic attraction to guys (although I didn't know there was such things as romantic and sexual attraction). It wasn't until I started learning about the LGBTQIA community that I also started experiencing romantic attraction to women, too. (I think I was previously repressing these feelings)

I first identified as bisexual, but that label made me feel wrong and off. (I have nothing against bisexuals) I think that's because I somehow knew it was the wrong label.

So, I knew I was attracted to girls before I knew I was asexual.

I came out as panromantic asexal the day after the day after I realized I was ace. (The closet isn't a happy place)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, I identify as a panromantic asexual, but find myself more attracted to women, especially recently. I hope this doesn't make me an unwelcome intruder! I just haven't had the opportunity for a homoromantic relationship as every girl that's seemed attracted to me has mentioned their high libido straight off the bat, or have been met in a club which, by my worry, is the place one goes to grab a quick one-night stand.

I was going to make a topic ranting about how, yes, homosexuality is hard because of the pretty low likelihood that the object of your admiration will share your orientation - but my word! Throw asexuality into the mix and the Venn diagrams grow tighter and more complex with factors like "asexual", "attracted to me", "attractive to me", "relatively local", "not a sociopath/abusive/dangerous" all causing that desirable middle space to be dishearteningly small. As much as long-distance relationships work for some, I am very much a cuddly person and find physical communication both comforting and largely crucial in a relationship. Perhaps polygamy is a more viable option, so a partner can have a sexual relationship or one-night-stands, but still come back to me for cuddles!

With very disappointing and heartbreaking relationships so far, both romantic and sexual, and having spent much of my time single, sometimes it can be really lonely.

Can anyone else relate?

Urg, yes definitely! The Venn Diagram just shrinks and shrinks...

I've done the long distance thing before and it was not at all my preferred dating method. I don't consider myself a touchy person but in a relationship I am much more tactile, so the long-distance dating is not something I plan to do again unless I have a lot more disposable income to be able to fly out and see them more often. But finding someone local that fits into the many overlapping circles can prove extremely difficult!!

I've spent the vast majority of my time single and while that's not always a huge problem to me, when it is it hits me really hard. =/

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Hi. Again :D

Thought I'd use this thread to vent some recent frustration and perhaps to ask if someone else has noticed a similar thing.

So, I ventured in a couple of lesbian forums recently - our local one is pretty much dead and I kinfa need a place to socialise with like-minded people now&then. One would think that lesvbian forums will work, me liking women and admiring women and wanting to talk about women - right? Wrong. It starts out well enough, and then at some point things inevitably focus on sex details - what you like, what you've done, what you haven't done. I tend to stay away from these discussions, previous experience has taught me that nothing good comes out of my attempts to offer a different point of view. But just skimming through parts of the discussion to get to the new unread posts - ugh, it felt so damn awful. I'll put some of the stuff I read under a spoiler because it's ugly and I assume not everyone will want to read anti ace stuff but

someone had the misfortune of mentioning they don't like oral and a shitstorm ensued. Over 95% of the comments were basically 'you can't be a lesbian then, real lesbians love eating pu**y', 'you're pretending', 'something's wrong with you' , and especially the one that gets me most because it's where my personal insecurities are - 'I feel sorry for your partner'.

I'm so tired of not having safe spaces to even talk peacefully even inside a community that supposedly cares about everyone who doesn't fit the neat het-matrix. Almost every time I find myself in that situation - being pushed away and marginalised and basically invalidated by a group I'm technically supposed to belong to, it leads to bad days and so much pent up frustration and hurt :/ Is this something isolated, that I have the misfortune of constantly stmbling onto, or is it more of a trend? Are there LGBTQIA spaces where you're not treated like shit just because you don't fit the sex-loving stereotype?

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Sleepy Skeleton

I've ID'd as aromantic for a few years now, but I'm starting to suspect that I may be homoromantic. Or demihomo or grayhomo or something. I've had really strong feelings towards 3 people and I'm not sure if it's romantic or not. Two of them have been women and the other was a trans man that I knew before he came out.. But even if I got ~together~ with these people, what would we do? I don't like kissing or sex or stuff like that. I'd just want to be around them. But isn't that what normal friends do? This is super confusing.

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Hi. Again :D

Thought I'd use this thread to vent some recent frustration and perhaps to ask if someone else has noticed a similar thing.

So, I ventured in a couple of lesbian forums recently - our local one is pretty much dead and I kinfa need a place to socialise with like-minded people now&then. One would think that lesvbian forums will work, me liking women and admiring women and wanting to talk about women - right? Wrong. It starts out well enough, and then at some point things inevitably focus on sex details - what you like, what you've done, what you haven't done. I tend to stay away from these discussions, previous experience has taught me that nothing good comes out of my attempts to offer a different point of view. But just skimming through parts of the discussion to get to the new unread posts - ugh, it felt so damn awful. I'll put some of the stuff I read under a spoiler because it's ugly and I assume not everyone will want to read anti ace stuff but

someone had the misfortune of mentioning they don't like oral and a shitstorm ensued. Over 95% of the comments were basically 'you can't be a lesbian then, real lesbians love eating pu**y', 'you're pretending', 'something's wrong with you' , and especially the one that gets me most because it's where my personal insecurities are - 'I feel sorry for your partner'.

I'm so tired of not having safe spaces to even talk peacefully even inside a community that supposedly cares about everyone who doesn't fit the neat het-matrix. Almost every time I find myself in that situation - being pushed away and marginalised and basically invalidated by a group I'm technically supposed to belong to, it leads to bad days and so much pent up frustration and hurt :/ Is this something isolated, that I have the misfortune of constantly stmbling onto, or is it more of a trend? Are there LGBTQIA spaces where you're not treated like shit just because you don't fit the sex-loving stereotype?

Unfortunately I've had the same experience as you. ): I used to look for lesbian etc forums as well but I never quite fit in. Everything's about sex/encounters etc. I've never felt accepted anywhere, sometimes not even by my friends. They, too, make vile comments about what I "should" be doing. I eventually just gave up finding a women-specific safe space cause they're not safe at all. Not for women like us. If you don't conform to their "lifestyle" (as they seem to call it) you're automatically shunned, not taken seriously. It's awful and lonely as hell. It definitely didn't help me with accepting my asexuality either? I'm sorry you've had to go through this. <33 Just know that here you ARE accepted and your identification is a 100% valid. I'm still struggling with it myself some days, but I feel like it should be managable one day, you know? It's gotta be better. But I feel like we're the ones who have to take action, and that's a tiring task.

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I only read this last page, I promise. I'm thinking you don't find AVEN to be the safe haven you seek? I'm sorry that apparently there are no other groups that can provide this and be accepting of the ace point of view.

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No, AVEN is a wonderful place. Which is why I end up here again and again, even after long hiatus times. But I feel like one can get the most of AVEN when they've managed to come to terms with their asexuality - at least to some degree - and I don't think I'm there yet. Just hoping to get to the manageable phase that acepunktrash talks about sooner I guess.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Super confusing because I realized I was into chicks before I realized I was also asexual. I knew I went gaga for girls but not in the same way other lesbians did and I couldn't wrap my head around it. It took me a couple years to realize I was a romantic asexual who's got a preference for ladies. Now the only obstacle left to tackle is finding someone out there who fits, which is proving to be super difficult.

Thank you for saving me typing: that's exactly what happened to me as well. I mean, identical situation!

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