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Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!


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This is a thread to welcome homoromantic folks and discuss all sorts of topic related to homoromanticism. All genders and orientations are welcome, and transmisogyny and other kinds of bigotry are not welcome. However, please let's stop accusing each other and let's keep this a thread where everyone is free to identify as they wish and share their feelings. Discussions regarding cisnormativity, transphobia and alike better belong in the Gender Discussion forum. Kindly go back to the original topic of the thread, please.

ithaca,

A/Romantic Orientations Mod

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Y'all say "men" and "women" as if those are the only two options. What about non-binary people? And what makes you say there's a difference between "men" and "women"? Is it gender, or genitalia? Would you be repulsed by sex with a trans woman with a penis? Would you be indifferent (or mildly interested) in sex with a trans man person with a vagina? If you answer yes to those, then that's problematic.

No, they are not the least bit problematic. I do not owe anybody sex. And I think that especially here on the AVEN many of us have experience in explaining this to others. I would encourage you to open a separate thread about your point, because then you will actually hear why people would or would not have sex with one group of people.

Let this thread be a safe place for lesbians. No matter what our bodies or chromosomes look like. There's many lesbians who are very insecure about whether or not they are homosexual. And the ones who have figured themselves out know the second someone finds out they are asexual (or even that their libido is not through the roof) they could be called bi curious or an attention whore. And I think that this thread here shows that there's quite a few of us asexual lesbians. I did not see anybody say "If you are not attracted to obese/anorexic/gigantic/short people, you are being a part of the problem". People in this thread are attracted to women. Well, to some of them. Not to every woman on this planet.

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Latiatia2a

Found this forum and thread by doing a little search on the internet, glad I found it.

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?
Yes definitely.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?
I was a very long journey to discover myself. Deep inside I always knew that I liked girls much more than I liked guys. However, it wasn't until the age of 24/25 that I fully realised and accepted it. At that time I thought I was bisexual, that I could be into both men and women, yet I still hadn't had sex with any gender, I thought I was kind of not normal, every friend I had said "why don't you just find someone and finally have sex ?" (they thought "having sex with men") but I didn't want to, I was curious as to what it was and how it could be but that's all. I didn't know about the asexual orientation back then.

In the meantime I kept questioning my sexuality, and the more i thought about it, the more I realised I wasn't into boys, at all. And that became even more clear when I dated a guy for a few months, I wasn't attracted to him, yet I had sex with him just "to try", and that's when I fully realised that I was only into girls.

So now I'm almost 28, I dated this guy more than a year ago and since then I questioned myself even more : was I into girls like in a romantic way or in both a romantic and sexual way ? I can't really see myself having sex with a woman neither, so I guess yes I'm fully homoromantic lesbian.

And now that I "named" it, it all makes sense.


Are you yet not sure?
It was quite a journey but in the end as I said it all makes sense so I guess yes, I'm sure about it.

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

I only told one of my best friends that I was asexual (it happened 2 days ago), and she ended up saying, "you say that 'cause you haven't find the one yet, have you gone to a psychologist to check that it's not a problem linked to your childhood"... Well I wanted to tell her everything because I need to talk about it, getting advises, but seeing the answer she gave to me, I stopped to the asexual orientation ...

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Sparkle_Fists

Going to stop creeping and finally answer these questions...

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

Yes I am, though not a big fan of the word Lesbian so I end up just telling people I'm gay or homoromantic

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

Process was loooong. I'm pretty stubborn and decided that I had to be straight cause thats the "default" right? for most of my life. I ignored flat out signs that I know recognize as me being attracted to women. I figured out I was asexual around 16 I didnt know the word for it though; after I dated a few guys and came to the conclusion I wasnt interested in sex whatsoever. I went to an all womens college and made a lot of friends that really helped me discover myself. I realized I was homoromantic after I had a dream I was dating a woman and felt really at peace with it and everything just clicked after that.

Are you yet not sure?

I'm pretty sure, I had initial doubts because I did genuinely like my first boyfriend but now I'm mostly sure

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

I tend to come out as a lesbian more, since I identify with it a bit more and dont feel like giving the long conversation explaining different the attractions vs libido to everyone and their mother

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LydianLyre

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I like using homoromantic here, but I still view myself as an asexual lesbian, because in a way, I feel I have to. I love in a very conservative place and so I'm out as a Lesbian just so I can find some sort of acknowledgement and acceptence from some people, rather than pure confusion from all people. And so I've had to adapt to truly accept myself.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I only really looked into/discovered asexuality when I had my first crush on a woman. Before, I had made excuses that I was merely a late bloomer, but then I knew I had to look more deeply into my sexuality. That being said, I certainly accepted my asexuality before my homoromantics simply because, again, the conservative enviroment I was raise in.

Are you yet not sure?

I'm sure. The only thing I might not be sure of is if I might be demi, since I've never had an extended relationship with a girl yet.

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

I've come out as lesbian. Luckily, since people know about it, its easier to be accepted. But people are most afraid of what they don't know, so I haven't really felt comfortable explaining it and coming out as it, because I know I will get even more backlash than I already have to face as it is. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, unfortunately. I just hope I will one day have a partner who will understand.

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LydianLyre

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

I only told one of my best friends that I was asexual (it happened 2 days ago), and she ended up saying, "you say that 'cause you haven't find the one yet, have you gone to a psychologist to check that it's not a problem linked to your childhood"... Well I wanted to tell her everything because I need to talk about it, getting advises, but seeing the answer she gave to me, I stopped to the asexual orientation ...

I'm really sad to hear that, it's such an awful feeling. *hugs* Luckily AVEN is here for everything we need to vent and get advice about. If you ever need to talk, I'm here, as I know there is many others.

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Latiatia2a

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

I only told one of my best friends that I was asexual (it happened 2 days ago), and she ended up saying, "you say that 'cause you haven't find the one yet, have you gone to a psychologist to check that it's not a problem linked to your childhood"... Well I wanted to tell her everything because I need to talk about it, getting advises, but seeing the answer she gave to me, I stopped to the asexual orientation ...

I'm really sad to hear that, it's such an awful feeling. *hugs* Luckily AVEN is here for everything we need to vent and get advice about. If you ever need to talk, I'm here, as I know there is many others.

Thank you, it's very nice of you ... It's hard when people who've been there for most of your life say things like that to you, but as you said luckily AVEN is here, I'm lucky I found that place. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Oh, I definitely knew I was gay before I even considered myself possibly asexual. I still flirt with women, I have no problem being affectionate or "touchy" (I love hugging and touching people in a non-sexual way), and I find myself attracted to women, as well. But I have no real interest in having sex or pursuing a relationship. I value my independence very highly and I feel like my conception of relationships is marred by all of my observations of failed ones and how pointless/messy/one-sided/abusive/etc/ they were.

I'm certainly open to pursuing a relationship with someone, but she'd pretty much have to be my twin. Otherwise, there'd be a whole slew of issues we'd have to deal with that normal couples wouldn't.

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i have doubts about something, if you could help me. Sometimes i look at a character of a tv show and i dont know if i like her, i just know im atracted to the character, which could also or not mean be im atracted to the actress. And i saw a manip of a character, body of someone, face of another (the general picture dressed up) and i loved it. Im not sure if i loved it because of the actress whos faces was used or because of the relation that both characters share, both strong characters (if anyone wonders, a manip with body of xena the warrior princess and the face of lana parilla...or maybe the evil queen from once upon a time, whose character i love)

so the thing im thinking is, is this something that asexuals have? like mixed feelings about "do i like the actress or the character?" like one of those things that could go in the "asexual problems" post here. i dont know what it means to me or whatever. thank you for the answer

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i have doubts about something, if you could help me. Sometimes i look at a character of a tv show and i dont know if i like her, i just know im atracted to the character, which could also or not mean be im atracted to the actress. And i saw a manip of a character, body of someone, face of another (the general picture dressed up) and i loved it. Im not sure if i loved it because of the actress whos faces was used or because of the relation that both characters share, both strong characters (if anyone wonders, a manip with body of xena the warrior princess and the face of lana parilla...or maybe the evil queen from once upon a time, whose character i love)

so the thing im thinking is, is this something that asexuals have? like mixed feelings about "do i like the actress or the character?" like one of those things that could go in the "asexual problems" post here. i dont know what it means to me or whatever. thank you for the answer

I get attracted to a character but not the actor usually... I could defiantly label that as an asexual problem

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Has anyone here ever tried using one of those lesbian dating apps?

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i have doubts about something, if you could help me. Sometimes i look at a character of a tv show and i dont know if i like her, i just know im atracted to the character, which could also or not mean be im atracted to the actress. And i saw a manip of a character, body of someone, face of another (the general picture dressed up) and i loved it. Im not sure if i loved it because of the actress whos faces was used or because of the relation that both characters share, both strong characters (if anyone wonders, a manip with body of xena the warrior princess and the face of lana parilla...or maybe the evil queen from once upon a time, whose character i love)

so the thing im thinking is, is this something that asexuals have? like mixed feelings about "do i like the actress or the character?" like one of those things that could go in the "asexual problems" post here. i dont know what it means to me or whatever. thank you for the answer

It varies for me, sometimes it's the character, sometimes the actress, and sometimes it's both. ^^;

Has anyone here ever tried using one of those lesbian dating apps?

Oh no I haven't! I'm curious to see if anyone else has and what they think of them... :blush:

For some reason that hasn't occurred to me but my phone also doesn't get a lot of new apps so I hadn't thought of them.

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The last guy (as in man) I dated, before finding out about asexuality (almost 4 years ago) and before (later on) finding out I'm homoromantic, just messaged me on FB out of the blue to ask me "are you a gay now?"

*headdesk*

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Has anyone here ever tried using one of those lesbian dating apps?

Oh no I haven't! I'm curious to see if anyone else has and what they think of them... :blush:

For some reason that hasn't occurred to me but my phone also doesn't get a lot of new apps so I hadn't thought of them.

There's an app called "Her" that has also an "Asexual" option :)

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The last guy (as in man) I dated, before finding out about asexuality (almost 4 years ago) and before (later on) finding out I'm homoromantic, just messaged me on FB out of the blue to ask me "are you a gay now?"

*headdesk*

"Yes, because of you!"

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  • 2 weeks later...
Minty Fresh

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

Yup, though I call it Gyno-romantic (not even sure if that's right) because while I'm biologically female, I view my gender as neutral

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I always knew I liked girls, since I was about 5 or 6. I started questioning if I was asexual because whenever I came out to some of my friends, a lot of them would say "Oh, I thought you were asexual!". At the time I didn't really know what it meant so I brushed it off. Then randomly one day I decided to read about stuff I wasn't educated on and the first thing on my list was Asexuality. Needless to say I identified so much with it. The thing that really sealed the deal was my epiphany that other people are sexual.

Are you yet not sure?

I'm super sure, though I have thought about whether I'm demi, but I don't think so

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

I've come out as gay to most of my friends. I feel like I can't come out as asexual because I already brushed off my friends when it came to it (back when I didn't know what asexual meant). I'll probably come out to them soon. Family, that's a different story.

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So I thought I was aromantic but then my brain decided to be a dick and go "Hey! you know what would be nice? a girlfriend!"

So here I am not sure if im aromantic of homoromantic. Can any one tell me of when they knew they like girls romantically? I mean when I think about my self going on dates or acting romantically (which is not often) its always with girls. ...and I guess the reason why I read so many girl/girl romance stories makes sense now....

My mom says I should just try dating a girl but the act of asking someone out is terrifying in itself. And I am afraid to ask some one out and then find out that i am indeed aromatic. That would just make me feel bad and that i was leading them on :P

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allrightalready

i identified as lesbian for most of my adult life and after really coming to understand demisexual was a real thing i switched to that

for the lesbian/homoromantic part i had to leave home and be on my own a while so i was in my twenties when i came out. for the demisexual part it took until i was 50 to really understand that i thought different from most people.

yes i am sure

i am out as both where i live now but i am considering a move to a cheaper state and i will probably need to be closeted in everything

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So I thought I was aromantic but then my brain decided to be a dick and go "Hey! you know what would be nice? a girlfriend!"

So here I am not sure if im aromantic of homoromantic. Can any one tell me of when they knew they like girls romantically? I mean when I think about my self going on dates or acting romantically (which is not often) its always with girls. ...and I guess the reason why I read so many girl/girl romance stories makes sense now....

I knew I liked girls romantically when I realized I was always watching this one girl, and I was always happy to be around her even if she wasn't focused on me, and I'd want to talk to her but be unable to think of anything to talk about and I was excited and nervous to be around her (I hadn't ever felt that way before). Then later on, I actually started dreaming about her and kissing her.

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Can any one tell me of when they knew they like girls romantically?

I knew when I was a little kid already. But I never really wanted to act on it, as I am very shy and introverted and so I let sleeping dogs lie. When I was in my teens, I was very convinced I would not be capable of having non-platonic feelings for someone. Then I fell in love. With a girl. Hard. She wasn't even my "type" or a nice person to begin with. But that showed me the difference between a friend and a romantic interest. Never saw a male bodied individual in the same light. You will know. That's all I can say.

My mom says I should just try dating a girl but the act of asking someone out is terrifying in itself. And I am afraid to ask some one out and then find out that i am indeed aromatic. That would just make me feel bad and that i was leading them on :P

Great she is so supportive! I agree with her. If you are comfortable with the idea of going out with a girl, give it a shot. Just be honest right from the get go and let the person know that you are unsure and new to this, so you don't lead them on. And, see... If you are comfy with this thought, but not with going out with a guy, then you see a difference there already.

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RileysPenguins

For me coming out as gay was so much easier and I knew so much earlier. Asexuality is never spoken about. My friend is aro but identifies as ace when asked her sexuality so I never knew she was aro until we spoke in detail about it. Due to her feeling no romantic attraction whereas I do I used that as another reason to convince myself that I couldn't be asexual. I finally realised I was and since have told 3 people but haven't came out as such. Friends used to joke about my lack of sex life with my girlfriend, I knew I didn't want sex but couldn't work out why. We did at first but I just couldn't carry on but never accepted or even knew why until very recently.

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Twizzler787

Oh my lord the way I found out I was homoromantic was hilarious. Okay, so, I knew that I was asexual, and I was unsure about my romantic orientation. I decided to put a pin in it and called myself aromantic, just for now.

Ah, man.

Okay, so, there was this girl in the grade above mine, and we had one class together. I thought she was really cool, but she generally didn't talk much. She was very serious and focused, and it took a lot to get her to laugh. But when I did manage to, my heart exploded and I felt like my tummy was filled with butterflies. I just thought it was because I liked people to laugh. Oh, dear god, no.

So, during an end of the year slideshow thingy, I saw a picture of both her and me (and a bunch of other people, but that's besides the point) pop up. She was looking away from it, so I darted over to her and violently shook her shoulder. "Look, look, that's you!" She just sort of smiled and commented on how her hair was really frizzy that day. Dissappointed, I sat back down.

Later during the slideshow, my favorite song began to play. So, for no flipping reason, I decided to stand up and dance.

And then later, I rolled around on the floor.

I even resorted to "accidentally" bumping into her.

It was literally as soon as I got in the car to go home that I realized, "I have a crush on her."

And, a few seconds later:

"I made a complete fool of myself."

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Thanks for the stories/advice guys It has helped alot. I think im going to try my hand at dating a girl (being totally open about everything of coarse) and see how it goes. I am still kind of afraid that I might be wrong and that I just like the idea and not the reality of a relationship. But I dont want to never try and then hate my self later for it.

And I am moving to another provence so if i make a total fool of my self none of my friends will be there to see it lol

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's so awesome to find this topic and to see many people identifying as asexual lesbians/homoromantics. :)

I realised that I was a lesbian first and came to terms with that and only later when I started dating and had sex for the very first time that I figured out that I am asexual. I am 100% sure about my identity now.

I told my parents and my friends that I am a lesbian, even some of my co-workers know, but I don't think that I will talk to them about asexuality. I think that I'll tell some friends, who I really trust, but I don't know if I want my parents to know this about me. I feel it's not the most important thing they need to know about me. I feel it's important for my datefriend to know about my asexuality, which they know about and accept it.

Can any one tell me of when they knew they like girls romantically?

I started to realise that I was attracted to girls when I was around 16 years old. I wanted to always hang out with them and talk to them and just being around them was more awesome than hanging out with boys.

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Come_Along_Pond

I discovered I was a lesbian first. I always knew tbh, but denied it to myself for a long time. One part of my brain would go "dude, you're into girls. That means something." And the bigger part would tell it to hush, that was a problem for another day. So one day when I was about 13, BAM, epiphany. I wasn't okay with it. I personally had nothing against being a lesbian, but I knew other people would judge me, my mother in particular, and I just didn't want to deal with it all, I wanted to be normal (sorry, me. You're so, so far from normal now and being a lesbian is almost the least of your problems). So I wasn't thrilled. And at first, I actually thought I was bi. I came out as bi at first, until I was about 14/15, then I realised rather than having a 98% preference for girls, I was more likely just a full on lesbian, as my male crushes were too few and far between to really mean anything. And it was always a woman I pictured myself with with. (Not sexually).

So that concludes that thrilling tale and onto my asexuality.

I didn't know. Had absolutely no idea at all until I was 19. I knew I didn't like anything sexual, knew I wasn't interested in having sex, or reading smut, or watching porn. But I honestly thought that was normal. Like how many people just walk up to their group of friends like "hey guys, I watched this totally awesome porn last night while I jacked myself off" (I don't know about guys, but the girls I know don't do it). And I just figured I wasn't ready to have sex. Then one day I was in my friend's dorm at uni and we managed to get onto the subject of masturbation, and everyone present admitted to doing it, even the people I would have least expected it from. And that's when the other shoe dropped. Turns out all of my friends had known for ages, they just thought they'd leave me to work it out on my own.

And guess what? I wasn't okay with that either. I laughed it off to them and acted like I was relieved it explained a lot, but yeah.That's it in a nutshell.

I'm out as a lesbian to almost everyone. My siblings, my cousin, my other cousin, my old guide leaders, my friends, my school, people at uni, my professor and just about everyone under the sun except for the rest of my family. The two cousins and siblings are the only ones that know. My mother and vast array of uncles, aunts and other cousins remain in the dark. And telling them isn't something I am looking forward too.

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crazypimpernelfan

My sexuality is, in some ways, very confusing. I sometimes think of myself more like a gray-asexual leaning on lesbian. I use the term "bisexual" because it's much easier to use, but always say "This is a very loose description of me." I've only been slightly sexually attracted to people, and it's always been to girls and not guys. So that part kinda makes me gray-asexual/lesbian~ish? But I'm definitely biromantic. Or at least I *think* I still am. I know this one attractive guy who almost completely fits my type, but when I thought, "Then why don't you like him?", all thoughts of him suddenly vanished and all I can think about is my crush on this one girl, ha-ha. Maybe the romantic part in my body is questioning itself and trying to figure everything out, ha-ha. XD

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm very confused about this. I've always been asexual but there are times where I crave a relationship, though I'm not good at this.
For the longest time I found men in general to be more appealing, especially if they look slightly androgynous.
Still, if there was a possibility for a guy to be interested in me (no one ever said that to me, but friends speculated and stuff)

it made me feel really uncomfortable and I can't tell why. I used to say right away that I'm definitely not interested, without even really knowing them.

But whenever a girl was possibly interested (never knew for sure either) I didn't bother. I was just okay with it.

I have been in love only once in my life and it was a girl.

And in the last time my interest in a relationship with a girl is growing, but well, no chance.

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Still, if there was a possibility for a guy to be interested in me (no one ever said that to me, but friends speculated and stuff)

it made me feel really uncomfortable and I can't tell why. I used to say right away that I'm definitely not interested, without even really knowing them.

But whenever a girl was possibly interested (never knew for sure either) I didn't bother. I was just okay with it.

Same here. I always wondered why I felt this way.

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This isn't strictly about homoromanticism but I figured I'd be more likely to get a satisfying answer in this thread rather than the aromantic thread.

You know how some sexual people can see somebody on the street and be sexually attracted to that person. Can the same happen on the romantic side of things? Like seeing someone in public and thinking that you want to date them or snuggle with them? Is that something that comes naturally to you?

Or are romantic feelings reserved for people you already know or have some kind of bond with/connection to already?

Is romantic attraction like an impulse the same way sexual attraction is an impulse? Or is it more like thinking about it and having the thought feel good?

I feel like I've learned all I'm going to without actually being in a relationship, which sucks.

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Twizzler787

This isn't strictly about homoromanticism but I figured I'd be more likely to get a satisfying answer in this thread rather than the aromantic thread.

You know how some sexual people can see somebody on the street and be sexually attracted to that person. Can the same happen on the romantic side of things? Like seeing someone in public and thinking that you want to date them or snuggle with them? Is that something that comes naturally to you?

Or are romantic feelings reserved for people you already know or have some kind of bond with/connection to already?

Is romantic attraction like an impulse the same way sexual attraction is an impulse? Or is it more like thinking about it and having the thought feel good?

I feel like I've learned all I'm going to without actually being in a relationship, which sucks.

Personally, I've never felt any type of romantic attraction to a stranger, but I can see it happening. The few crushes I've had were towards people I actually knew relatively well, and it took a good amount of time for it to develop. I'm not sure if that's the average idea, but for me, that's how it is.

If you don't mind my asking, are you asking this because you're not sure if you've ever felt romantic attraction?

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