Jump to content


Photo

Is kissing considered a sexual act?


  • Please log in to reply
43 replies to this topic

#1 HopelessGreenEyedRomantic

HopelessGreenEyedRomantic

    Junior Member

  • Members
  • 13 posts

Posted 27 August 2012 - 04:04 AM

I came out to my father a while back, and he didn't mention anything more until I said I had been bummed recently because the girl I was interested in moved back in with her boyfriend. When he didn't see the big deal, I explained it wasn't good for me because that squashed any chance of a relationship, and then he got really confused on why I couldn't continue our relationship. My comeback was, "I don't think he'd really like it if I was kissing his girlfriend," and his response was that kissing was a sexual act, and if I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, then that excluded kissing.

I tried to support my view that it wasn't by pointing out kissing doesn't always necessarily lead to sex. I'm 90% certain I'm not alone in that sense. Is my dad's view common? Can anyone explain his side more clearly?
Everyone has good days, and bad ones. You may not have a bad day for an entire year, but don't fool yourself into thinking triumph is anything but temporary. There's no such thing as winning. There's only the Fight, and the hope to do it well. ~RLG

#2 5_♦♣

5_♦♣

    Asexy & Precise Timenerd

  • AVEN Members
  • 24,300 posts
  • Gender:Woman
  • A/Sexuality:Polyamorous hetero A

Posted 27 August 2012 - 04:19 AM

As far as I'm concerned, kissing is only sexual if it occurs during sex.

For cars she couldn't care less. Fastidious and precise-Queen.  

 

"Without death all we have are random events, accumlation. You can't call that life"-CC.

 

Also known as: 5DC, 5, DC, DCC, Diamond(s), Club(s), CC, C2, CCCD, CD, CoD, 5d, 5oD, Clubsie, Clubbles.

 

Call me Cookie and you die-Me paraphrasing Dot somewhat.

 


#3 significantlysilent

significantlysilent

    Asexy

  • AVEN Members
  • 453 posts
  • Gender:Neutrois
  • Location:PA
  • A/Sexuality:Demi-Homoromantic Asexual

Posted 27 August 2012 - 04:20 AM

I think, to sexuals (at least from my observance), kissing can be a romantic gesture leading towards sex sort of thing. I see kissing as more of a romantic act than a sexual one; but since romance is *often* involved with sexual relationships, the line could be fuzzy for him to understand.

To be whoyou want to be
and generally happy,
is better than to be who you're not
while living in mental pain.


#4 . .

. .

    -

  • AVEN Members
  • 5,691 posts

Posted 27 August 2012 - 04:35 AM

Would you kiss your grandma the way you'd kiss your girlfriend? Depends on the kind of kiss doesn't it. Sometimes you might kiss your girlfriend sexually, and sometimes not. But you'd never kiss Granny sexually (unless you have something taboo going on).

#5 Mysticus Insanus

Mysticus Insanus

    Sheldonesque

  • AVEN Members
  • 3,914 posts
  • Gender:bio-male genderqueer / "guydyke"
  • Pronouns:they
  • Location:Germany
  • A/Sexuality:asexual; repulsed (gyno-, lith-)romantic; polyamorous

Posted 27 August 2012 - 04:43 AM

I assume we're talking the, uh, French variety of kiss here? I would just barely not rate that as sexual, but it's pretty much as hardcore sensual as it can be without crossing over into out-and-out sexuality. I'd consider stuff like (possible TMI)
Spoiler
as less intense than French kissing... and that's pretty damn deep in the "grey zone". So I do get where your dad is coming from calling it a sexual activity.

That said - even if it is a sexual act, that doesn't mean you "lose your ace creds" if you like kissing. (Links to the "elitism" threads: #1 #2
)

"Asexuality - no desire for sexual interaction." - Homepage of AVEN.de

(note: the word used in the original German - Verlangen - apparently translates better as "longing for", and is considerably stronger than the English "desire")

 

IMPORTANT: Please consider taking part in the current discussion about the AVEN definition of asexuality in this thread. Thank you!


#6 femto-15

femto-15

    A-Mazing

  • AVEN Members
  • 91 posts
  • Location:Pittsburgh PA, USA
  • A/Sexuality:Heteroromantic

Posted 27 August 2012 - 04:57 AM

Kissing is a big part of foreplay for sexuals, which likely leads to the view that kissing is a sexual act. I would say I agree that kissing during foreplay IS sexual, but even sexuals engage in kissing in other contexts. Kissing is an expression of romantic and/or sexual desire. (EDIT: There are of course a multitude of other cultural contexts for kissing; I refer specifically to the "passionate" variety.) I am a romantic asexual, and I think kissing is the best!

I think the challenge is in explaining the desire for romance without sex, and that the idea of desiring kissing without desiring sex follows easily enough from there.

On a side note, I just lived an xkcd comic (minus the girl).
On women fit for conception I start bigger and nimbler babes.
(This day I am jetting the stuff of far more arrogant republics.)

-Walt Whitman, Song of Myself (40)

#7 Lady Girl

Lady Girl

    Cake is our Friend

  • Moderators
  • 13,545 posts

Posted 27 August 2012 - 04:59 AM

Maybe you could try explaining to him that some asexuals are sex repulsed and others are not. It also might help if you told him that although most asexuals do not desire sexual activities with other people, this does not mean they can not or will not participate in sexual interactions (often for the sake of a relationship and the happiness of their partner).

I agree with significantlysilent and Sweetex on the kissing question.

Not all asexuals define asexuality in terms of sexual attraction. Some just do not desire sexual interaction.

"...research on self-identified asexuals...shows that they do not necessarily have a lower desire for sexual activity, 

but they clearly have a lower desire for sexual activity with others..." Anthony Bogaert

 

About Asexuality General FAQ     The AVEN Terms of Service (ToS)     Project Team's Guide to the Site


#8 Verust

Verust

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 133 posts
  • A/Sexuality:Arom w/ One Exception

Posted 27 August 2012 - 05:00 AM

I am having a hard time answering this. When I was at my GF's visiting I would kiss her when she came home as a greeting (of sorts) and it was not sexually driven. I cannot really think of something particularly useful to say about making out (for me that brought along the sexual things as well) but if sex isn't on the mind then how could it be sexual /hmm.

#9 Lady Girl

Lady Girl

    Cake is our Friend

  • Moderators
  • 13,545 posts

Posted 27 August 2012 - 05:10 AM

I am having a hard time answering this. When I was at my GF's visiting I would kiss her when she came home as a greeting (of sorts) and it was not sexually driven. I cannot really think of something particularly useful to say about making out (for me that brought along the sexual things as well) but if sex isn't on the mind then how could it be sexual /hmm.

I definitely think there are more than a couple of kinds of kisses, and who you give them to means something too. I almost want to say, if your tongue is involved, how is it not sexual?

Not all asexuals define asexuality in terms of sexual attraction. Some just do not desire sexual interaction.

"...research on self-identified asexuals...shows that they do not necessarily have a lower desire for sexual activity, 

but they clearly have a lower desire for sexual activity with others..." Anthony Bogaert

 

About Asexuality General FAQ     The AVEN Terms of Service (ToS)     Project Team's Guide to the Site


#10 Akabara86

Akabara86

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 196 posts
  • Location:Ontario, Canada
  • A/Sexuality:biromantic demisexual (or Gray-A?)

Posted 27 August 2012 - 05:26 AM

Kissing can be either affectionate or sexual. It depends on the context, the situation, and the meaning behind the kiss.

If it's a kiss to say, "you're special to me, and I care a lot." then no, it isn't....

now if you kiss her, press your body right up against hers, roam your hands around her body.... essentially make out with her, then yeah that can pretty much only be viewed as a sexual act. 'Mildly sexual' is the term I'd use compared to forms of more explicate sexual acts, which I won't mention.

I'd counter this with, "You used to kiss my knee/elbow when I skinned it as a kid. Or you'd kiss my cheek, or forehead when I was scared. Was that sexual? Then how can any type of kiss be automatically sexual unless body language states that's sexual? Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss to show affection and deep connection with another person."

Unmei no fune o kogi/ Nami wa tsugi kara tsugi e to watashitachi o osou kedo/ Sore mo suteki na tabi ne/ Dore mo suteki na tabi ne 

------------------

 

We are rowing the boat of fate/ But the waves keep attacking us/ But isn't that still a wonderful journey?/ Aren't any of them a wonderful journey?


#11 Vampyremage

Vampyremage

    A-Grade AVENite

  • AVEN Members
  • 4,877 posts
  • Gender:Agender prefer they/them
  • Location:Vancouver, Canada
  • A/Sexuality:Panromantic

Posted 27 August 2012 - 05:52 AM

Sometimes kissing can be sexual but it doesn't have to be. Kissing can be foreplay for sex or something done during sex but, again, it doesn't have to be. For myself, kissing is something I see more as affectionate and sensual rather than overtly sexual although, again, that can depend somewhat upon context and situation. Making out I see as much more overtly sexual than simply kissing, even when some tongue is involved. Making out is something that I also see as a bit on the boring side, as it happens, but that's entirely a matter of personal presence. However, affectionately sensual kissing with a little bit of tongue I greatly enjoy and usually don't see as especially sexual in nature.
Shiny new blog I've started.
Musings and Rantings of Vampyremage

#12 Lady Heartilly

Lady Heartilly

    A-gent

  • AVEN Members
  • 1,929 posts
  • Location:In a magical land, far, far away
  • A/Sexuality:asexual heteromantic

Posted 27 August 2012 - 06:39 AM

I personally don't consider kissing sexual. I love kissing without tongue, and I can do so for hours while pressing up against my partner. Unfortunately, most guys find this too arousing and usually stop wanting to do so with me when they realize it won't lead to sex because it makes them too frustrated. So yeah, a lot of people find it sexual if it's really passionate, but I just find it fun, relaxing, and romantic. I guess it's related to whether or not it makes you want to have sex.
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a beautiful princess who lived happily ever after. What makes her happy? Well, that's entirely up to her.

#13 ignoranceisn'tbliss

ignoranceisn'tbliss

    Asexy Samurai

  • AVEN Members
  • 992 posts
  • Location:midwest of the USA
  • A/Sexuality:Grey-(pan?)romantic libidoist Asexual

Posted 27 August 2012 - 06:42 AM

Kissing, in anything but the most ridiculously over-the-top crazy ways, has never seemed like a sexual thing to me....sensual and romantic, yes, but I'm actually a bit surprised seeing how many people think of it as sexual :blink:
Peter: "Sex? No thank you, I'm dead."
Roger: "I'd like to thank vaginas everywhere. They're creepy and I don't know what they're for, but boy are they funny!"

#14 WhenSummersGone

WhenSummersGone

    **********

  • AVEN Members
  • 3,799 posts
  • Gender:Demigirl
  • Pronouns:They
  • Location:Canada
  • A/Sexuality:Gray-Heteroromantic Sensual Demisexual

Posted 27 August 2012 - 07:41 AM

Kissing in general, I personally believe it isn't, for me anyways at least. I agree with the affectionate and sensual posts. I don't really see how it is sexual because kissing is pretty mainstream, like in the media and on tv, so I've just grown up believing it had no connection to actual sex really. Sure kissing can lead to feelings or sex but just the act of kissing isn't really sexual

Just my opinion

However I think kissing would be cheating because it could either lead to romantic or sexual feelings. It would be hard to explain to someone you just kissed someone just for fun
"I Am Who I Am" by Lee Ryan.

Small rant: One thing that really bugs me is when people use the words gender and sex as if they are the same. What if you were born a man but feel like a woman? Or a woman who feels like a man? Gender is between the ears and sex is between the legs.
My own personal definition of Sexual Attraction: Directed sexual desire. An attraction that causes sexual desire towards that gender, genders or someone. Someone that "turns you on" and not just being horny.

#15 ASF13957

ASF13957

    A-Mazing

  • AVEN Members
  • 75 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Western MA
  • A/Sexuality:Polyamorous panromantic asexual

Posted 27 August 2012 - 09:59 PM

I think both views are common. I don't view kissing, or even snogging, as inherently sexual. However, I've met people who view even a light peck on the lips to be sexual, and who only kiss family members on the cheek for this reason. It's quite possible that your father is like this, or that he views kissing anyone who is not a family member as sexual simply because he would not kiss a non-family member except in a sexual situation.

#16 ZenPlacebo

ZenPlacebo

    Resolutely fragile

  • AVEN Members
  • 1,149 posts
  • Gender:androgynous MAAB
  • Location:Somewhere over the rainbow
  • A/Sexuality:Asexual

Posted 28 August 2012 - 12:43 AM

Ummm, doesn't it depend on *what* you kiss?

#17 JAKQ7111

JAKQ7111

    Spade Ace

  • AVEN Members
  • 811 posts
  • Gender:Genderqueer/Androgynous (MAAB)
  • Pronouns:He/She/They
  • Location:Northeastern United States
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic asexual- Polyamorous

Posted 28 August 2012 - 01:19 AM

I wouldn't call kissing overtly "sexual", at least by most people standards, but I am just as repulsed towards kissing as I am towards sexual activities, so I guess it's up in the air.

#18 Eric S

Eric S

    Amoeba

  • AVEN Members
  • 68 posts
  • Location:Colorado
  • A/Sexuality:Heteromantic Asexual

Posted 28 August 2012 - 01:35 AM

kissing is only sexual if its during sex in my opinion
I remember the first time I ever got a computer it told me to install Windows XP or better so I installed LINUX.

#19 gurlofapril

gurlofapril

    Newbie

  • Members
  • 3 posts

Posted 28 August 2012 - 02:18 AM

@sweetgolden the grandmother analogy does not really work here because you cannot be romantic with grandma. eew. but you can be romantic with someone but no sexual with them.
@hopeless green i dont know about you but i dont particularly like kissing. i only enjoyed it once and it was one of those romantic one night stands (i guess i can call it that. it wasnt a sexual one night stand but a romantic one. And kissing was involved.) I also think you shouldnt worry so much about definitions and if you defined yourself properly. Just do what feels right. That way youll never get it wrong. sorry about the girl thing. i guess you can explain to your dad that kissing is more romantic than sexual. That kissing does not always lead to sex. Sometimes kissing is enough for someone.
I like what ladyheart said. If you get in the mood for sex from it than its sexual but if it doesnt then its not.

#20 Chveya

Chveya

    Member

  • AVEN Members
  • 41 posts
  • A/Sexuality:Hetero/Demi

Posted 28 August 2012 - 02:50 AM

I'd explain the difference between sexual and sensual to him. That might help.

Also, the whole "you're either completely asexual or completely sexual" idea is wrong and not fair to you. The label should be descriptive, it shouldn't force you into a type of behavior. I think that's something he doesn't quite get either.

#21 Kitty Spoon Train

Kitty Spoon Train

    Champion of the Frozen Wastes

  • AVEN Members
  • 2,900 posts
  • Gender:Cis-genderless (bio male)
  • Location:Melbourne, Australia
  • A/Sexuality:Heteroromantic / Grey Area / Relationship Anarchist

Posted 28 August 2012 - 03:12 AM

I echo a lot of the other people in this thread: it's not sexual, but can definitely be erotic and sensual to me.

I grew up in a "kiss hello" European culture, so SweetEx's example of kissing granny is something I always took for granted: the light, friendly peck that is totally familial/platonic and has zero romantic/sexual connotations.

Kissing a romantic interest (in a heavier, "makeout" kind of way) is a whole other headspace, and this is where it can really get tricky. For me it's not necessarily sexual, but I've been with girls in the past who assumed that it was - essentially that it was foreplay and was leading somewhere. And then when it didn't, I was genuinely confused why they were all frustrated and called me a tease. On the other hand, I've been in sexual relationships before where the same kind of kissing indeed was foreplay with me, so it really depends on the context of the relationship for me.

"You only lose what you cling to." - Buddha


#22 snufflebottoms

snufflebottoms

    Asexy A-postle

  • AVEN Members
  • 524 posts
  • Location:Dreamland
  • A/Sexuality:I am whatever you think I am

Posted 28 August 2012 - 03:51 AM

I enjoy kissing a lot which is one reason why I think I'm a little grey.
Posted Image
whI'MsicAlity

#23 Regime

Regime

    Amoeba

  • AVEN Members
  • 64 posts
  • Location:South Africa
  • A/Sexuality:Demi/ Romantic Ace (Still finding out)

Posted 28 August 2012 - 01:10 PM

I don't think it's sexual, but I suppose it depends on the person, their boundaries, physical comfort zone, how affectionate you are. I think this is one of those things that it is what you make it to be, we could also take the literal meaning and say it isn't sexual since it involves no stimulation of the genitalia. I think you should just treat it the way you feel is right.
I procrastinate a lot, but I plan to fix that...tomorrow.





Image of Happy the Cat:http://fairytail.wikia.com/wiki/Happy

#24 HopelessGreenEyedRomantic

HopelessGreenEyedRomantic

    Junior Member

  • Members
  • 13 posts

Posted 19 September 2012 - 02:22 AM

Shows you how I keep track of things! Many thanks to everyone who weighed in :)

I'm right in there with Lady Heartilly. Never went along with the tongue bandwagon, but kissing can be great. Intentions behind it would really make the act lean one way or the other, and there's quite a bit of difference in friendly, romantically, and sexually. Glad I could get help sorting it out!
Everyone has good days, and bad ones. You may not have a bad day for an entire year, but don't fool yourself into thinking triumph is anything but temporary. There's no such thing as winning. There's only the Fight, and the hope to do it well. ~RLG

#25 ~No Reins~

~No Reins~

    Member

  • AVEN Members
  • 44 posts
  • A/Sexuality:Hetero-Romantic

Posted 19 September 2012 - 06:54 AM

Well, I have to say, when my boyfriend finally convinced me to try french kissing, I really enjoyed it. But not in a sexual sense at all. I just like kissing the man I love. I'm pretty sure I'm a romantic asexual, since the only reason I kiss is because it's how I show my affection and love for him. And frenching is something that he enjoys too, for his sexual reasons of course so I have no problem doing that for him. But I have no sexual desire to do so. So I personally would say that use of tongue is not always sexual. If you do it for reasons other than sex, it's not sexual to me.

#26 Tenebre

Tenebre

    Asexy

  • AVEN Members
  • 457 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Questioning grey-biromantic/Asexual

Posted 19 September 2012 - 03:06 PM

I'll echo everyone saying that it's the intention behind the act that defines whether it's sexual or not. There's been times when I've been close with someone and either wanted to reassure them or wanted something to really show them how much I love and appreciate them (in a completely nonsexual and sometimes nonromantic way) and a kiss just seems right. Alas, it can be often misconstrued as being a sign I want more when that is as far as I want to go...

#27 Pawn

Pawn

    [insert the best thing you've ever seen here]

  • AVEN Members
  • 528 posts

Posted 19 September 2012 - 03:38 PM

Ummm, doesn't it depend on *what* you kiss?


This. Kissing on the mouth is touching orifices, in my point of view, a romantic act. People kissing during a romance movie isn't really sexual and, if it was, you'd have people complaining of your activity. Kissing other places than mouth, forehead and such, and arms (like arm kissing) is something I consider romantic, as there isn't anything very reserved in these areas. Kissing other places, such as aforementioned, like chest, legs, bottom parts, is not something appropriate to do in a cinema room.

As for French kissing, I find it quite common, here, and it's not any more inappropriate than "regular" kisses.
Sorry to rain on your parade.

#28 ithaca

ithaca

    A Purple Posting Poet

  • Administrators
  • 17,569 posts
  • Location:Rome, Italy
  • A/Sexuality:Homoromantic Asexual

Posted 19 September 2012 - 03:58 PM

I rate as "sexual" anything involving physical contact that you wouldn't do with a 12 year old or with your mother, so I guess I agree with Sweet Golden Executioner.

French kissing can be romantic, sure, but it is also sexual to me, as it involves a level of intimacy that is beyond the "innocence" of a kiss on the cheek you'd give to your niece. And there's nothing wrong in engaging in sexual activities, if that's what you worry about, OP.

But we've been through all of this, check it here.

huXlEwE.jpg ZOXb725.jpg thumb_icon_btvs_buffy15.jpg OjfK8G3.jpg


Check my youtube asexual channel here!


#29 Raccoons & Arca N.H.

Raccoons & Arca N.H.

    Sarcasm_Generator™ 3.0

  • Project Team
  • 14,750 posts
  • Gender:Ø
  • Pronouns:... they?
  • Location:Îles Kerguelen
  • A/Sexuality:Aromantic Asexual

Posted 19 September 2012 - 06:05 PM

It's not really a sexual act unless you have some strange views on what ''Sexual act'' actually means. But it's such a vague unset term that it could be applied to any act that's traditionally seen as sexual.

Key word there, traditionally.
Posted Image
Hey, we've got a Wiki, yay! Check it out, man!Arca's vaguely useful FAQ...
Q: "What's that pink PT thing?" - A:
Project Team, hnnnng
Q: "What do these guys do?" - A:
Projects, duh
Q: "What do you do??" - A: ... Wiki and email stuff (apparently!)

#30 Mysticus Insanus

Mysticus Insanus

    Sheldonesque

  • AVEN Members
  • 3,914 posts
  • Gender:bio-male genderqueer / "guydyke"
  • Pronouns:they
  • Location:Germany
  • A/Sexuality:asexual; repulsed (gyno-, lith-)romantic; polyamorous

Posted 20 September 2012 - 04:28 AM

I rate as "sexual" anything involving physical contact that you wouldn't do with a 12 year old or with your mother, so I guess I agree with Sweet Golden Executioner.

Not with a 12-year old?? Whooeee, that sets a strict standard. One hell of a lot of things become sexual then, IMO. A kiss anywhere but on the forehead or cheek is definitely sexual, then... on the hand pretty much is explicit foreplay, and so is a hug that's held for more than roundabout three seconds. :blink:

Am I just super-sensitive to pedo-vibe-laden inappropriateness, or do you see it that strictly too?

"Asexuality - no desire for sexual interaction." - Homepage of AVEN.de

(note: the word used in the original German - Verlangen - apparently translates better as "longing for", and is considerably stronger than the English "desire")

 

IMPORTANT: Please consider taking part in the current discussion about the AVEN definition of asexuality in this thread. Thank you!





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users