Transgender, without surgery?

[ThisAceWantsCake]

(sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place!)

So, here's the story. I'm writing a novel, and the main character's boyfriend is a gay trans man who hasn't had surgery. But since I'm not transgender, I have some questions for people who are:

1. What's it like to be a transgender?

2. When did you know you were transgender? What problems did you face?

3. What's it like to be a gay/lesbian transgender (if that's what you are)?

4. Do all transgender people want surgery? I know a lot of people can't have it for whatever reason, but are there transgender people who just plain don't want it? If you're one of those people, why?

5. When do you usually tell your SO/friends you're transgender? Is it when you first meet, do you wait to get to know them first, or do you never tell them?

6. Do you want to have children (adopted/sex/otherwise)?

7. Anything else you want to say about being transgender? Stories, views, etc.

I have a feeling I'll add to this. I'd really appreciate answers!

[Azure.Providence]

Alot of those questions have long complicated answers so I will answer the easy ones.

No, not all transgender people want surgery. Some can't afford it, some are waiting for medical technology to improve, and others are happy enough with their bodies as it is.

Like, I'm afraid of a bad haircut. I can't handle the thought of having irreversible surgery and it being botched. Also, current medical technology sucks. There are some new promising procedures on the horizon but I am not holding my breath. I also don't plan on ever having sex so the thought of having sex organs kinda seems pointless to me so I'd just rather have them removed all together. Kids are out of the question as well but that is more of a personal thing really. Lots of transfolk want kids.

[CDSM]

I have a question for you. Why are you writing a story with a transgender character in it?

[BaronTheCat]

I think you should visit Matt Kailey's blog tranifesto.com

He's not only great at educating, but there's also a lot of reader comments.

There's especially one post you ought to read if you want to write a trans character: http://tranifesto.com/2012/05/03/ask-matt-writing-a-trans-character-in-fiction/

Meanwhile, I'll think about your questions.

[Typical Power]

1. What's it like to be a transgender?

Well, It's not that interesting from my point of view. For me it did make me very aware of sexism in society. It also made me aware of the desire for others to blame my transgenderism on other things. Or to somehow say I'm not transgender because XYZ. (asexuality is a common one for this.)

2. When did you know you were transgender? What problems did you face?

I distinctly remember that by 12 I knew the word transgender and that it described me. Before that I must have known, but I don't remember exactly. As a kid, I felt powerless, especially because my family relationships were not the best. I didn't even see a therapist until I was 16.

4. Do all transgender people want surgery? I know a lot of people can't have it for whatever reason, but are there transgender people who just plain don't want it? If you're one of those people, why?

I'm iffy on this. Partially because I identify as Trans-Feminine Neutrois, or as I like to explain it. I identify on a sliding scale between female to neutrois. I don't really know what I would want as far as surgury goes, or if it's worth the price to me.

5. When do you usually tell your SO/friends you're transgender? Is it when you first meet, do you wait to get to know them first, or do you never tell them?

I'm pretty open about it. Generally, if you happen to be my friend, you already know.

6. Do you want to have children (adopted/sex/otherwise)?

Nope.

7. Anything else you want to say about being transgender? Stories, views, etc.

[ThisAceWantsCake]

Like, I'm afraid of a bad haircut. I can't handle the thought of having irreversible surgery and it being botched. Also, current medical technology sucks. There are some new promising procedures on the horizon but I am not holding my breath. I also don't plan on ever having sex so the thought of having sex organs kinda seems pointless to me so I'd just rather have them removed all together. Kids are out of the question as well but that is more of a personal thing really. Lots of transfolk want kids.

I can understand that feeling, I think. It's a bit like a little kid getting a shot, and waying out the ups and downs. Though no one ever forces you to get a surgery, and it's all up the person.

Why are you writing a story with transgender people in it?

I believe the actual question is, why not? Diversity is a very big part of my story's plot, so I think adding a transgender character to it would be very interesting and fit well. It also just makes sense, considering it goes in the direction I want it to.

I think you should visit Matt Kailey's blog tranifesto.com

Thanks for the link! It's a great blog, and will definitely help me in my writing.

Typical Power, thank you for answering my questions. I love getting everyone's different opinions.

[CDSM]

I believe the actual question is, why not? Diversity is a very big part of my story's plot, so I think adding a transgender character to it would be very interesting and fit well. It also just makes sense, considering it goes in the direction I want it to.

I guess my answer here would be, the thing to be careful is that you don't just jam in a transsexual for the sake of it. Because tokenism can be just as bad.

Also, why does it make sense? Because if it is something you developed intuitively because it felt right for your story is fair enough.

My main advice would be to forget questions about transsexuals for a minute, and focus on that specific character as an individual, their struggles, conflicts, and goals that are tangential to being transsexual, to make sure they are a whole character and not just "the transsexual".

I think you'll find that, barring the tangible processes of how transitioning works, the reasons don't matter (as long as you don't use offensive stereotypical reasons) because of how different everyone is.

It's good to do research still, as always, and get direct experience from people, but like I said, you'll find that one overarching answer won't fit, and you shouldn't treat it like it's meant to be representative of everyone.

[BaronTheCat]

Ok, good that you found the link useful.

Here's my answers:

1. What's it like to be a transgender?

...A hard question to answer. It's like "what's it like to be a parent", or "an asexual" or "an artist" or whatever. It's very individual.

Because your character is a trans male, let's say an evil wizard takes a number of random cisguys and turn them into females. Let's say they don't know why this happened to them and let's say their friends and family react as if nothing has happened, and as if they always have been women. They're going to react very differently depending on who they are. Some will become very dysphoric. Others will just feel discomfort. Some won't really have a problem with the body, just wish that people could recognize them for who they really are. Some would be ok with having children (as a mother) while others would be horrified at the thought. Many would try to enjoy sex despite their discomfort with their body, while others would go celibate. They would also react differently to the female gender role. There you have the trans male population ^_^

2. When did you know you were transgender? What problems did you face?

My body dysphoria developed along with puberty (11-12 years old), but I didn't realize I was trans until I was 17, 18. Apart from body dysphoria, the main problem we face pre transition is that people won't accept what we are. Not all people are intolerant; my experience is that it's about 50/50. Also, some will appear accepting but they're really just polite. I've believed of some "friends" that they respected my male identity, just to hear from other friends that they had talked behind my back.

3. What's it like to be a gay/lesbian transgender (if that's what you are)?

For some, it may be harder to realize their transness because of heteronormativity. They "seem" heterosexual in their wrong sex, so they might think "I can't be trans because I'm straight". For some, body dysphoria could be worse as they can't even think of their body as attractive. They might feel extremely unattractive in addition to having the "wrong" body. For some, especially trans men, it may be easier to adopt the new gender role as they haven't previously been part of the homosexual community. If you're a straight trans guy you might have identified as lesbian and have all your close friends and old lovers in the lesbian community. You've learned to identify with a sexual minority, and that kind of identification can be very strong. Then suddenly you have to see yourself as straight and that can be a problem, because you still don't feel straight.

My own problem as a gay trans man is that I've got a triple femininity issue. Gay men are constructed as feminine and not "real" men. As female-bodied, I've been expected and socialized to be feminine, and I'm not seen as a "real" man because of my medical history. And at the same time I am not a typically macho guy, I'm intellectual and an artist, which is considered less manly in my country. Plus, I'm asexual, which is considered not manly. Plus the fact that I'm really against gender roles, and I'm against the stereotyping of gay men as feminine. But I have the need to feel socially accepted as a "real" man, and I have the need to feel "manly", whatever that is, and on a personal level, I don't feel feminine. It's just that my kind of masculinity is old-fashioned. The male role has narrowed quite a bit in the last 2 centuries while women's cultural space has grown wider.

4. Do all transgender people want surgery? I know a lot of people can't have it for whatever reason, but are there transgender people who just plain don't want it? If you're one of those people, why?

Yes, there are those who don't want it. Btw, are you just talking about bottom surgery or is it hormones and top surgery and all that stuff? Because the answer is going to be different.

Surgery isn't something you do for fun. If you don't have strong body dysphoria, you may choose to live socially as your preferred gender without altering your sex. But when it comes to bottom surgery for trans men, a lot of trans men don't want it because the results are far from realistic. So you have to choose between your original female genitalia, and just weird genitalia.

5. When do you usually tell your SO/friends you're transgender? Is it when you first meet, do you wait to get to know them first, or do you never tell them?

I don't tell anybody unless I'm actually joining a debate on the subject, or unless I have to for medical or juridical reasons. I just don't want to live as "the Transguy" 100% of the time! But of course there are people who knew me pre transition and you'll never know when you'll get "outed". If I were to have a relationship with someone, of course they'd have to know, even if I don't want sex with them.

6. Do you want to have children (adopted/sex/otherwise)?

No, but some do.

7. Anything else you want to say about being transgender? Stories, views, etc.

You can check this thread: http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/75992-is-gender-really-just-a-social-construct/page__st__30__gopid__2207123#entry2207123

(Btw, for myself, I use the term transsexual rather than transgender to emphasize this is more about physical sex than about gender. "Transgender" from my point of view is more when you feel your gender is different from your physical sex but don't really hate your body. But that's what your caharcter's going to be like, right? And there's no universal agreement on the terminology :) )

[never odd or even]

1. What's it like to be a transgender?

For me, it manifested in a constant self awareness, yet detachment from the way the majority of people identified because i simply do not understand M/F culture very well, yet identified as M. Its confusing being genderqueer/neutrois as well as trans. You know you are different, but you dont know why or how when you are young, and you dont know quite how to articulate yourself either, particularly if you know that "you just dont talk about things like that".

2. When did you know you were transgender? What problems did you face?

I did not know the word transgender for a long time. I knew that I was trans, but had no word for it. The closest I got to trans stuff was vague mentions of drag queens, and as I was not a drag queen, I was clearly not trans, right? and besides, drag queens were weird and sinful.

3. What's it like to be a gay/lesbian transgender (if that's what you are)?

My romantic orientation remains a mystery, particularly as I have been attracted (twice unknowingly) to transwomen. I'm starting to think that I do not like Cis men romantically, nor Cis women, but I realy cant tell, and dont have much good experience to show for it either.

4. Do all transgender people want surgery? I know a lot of people can't have it for whatever reason, but are there transgender people who just plain don't want it? If you're one of those people, why?

I am a bit iffy about doing anything permanent to my body. That said, I really do wish that I could walk around bare chested and have sex as a male. One of those is possibly via surgery, the other.... isn't really. I want to try having sex as a female too, but that is mainly out of curiosity, i dont think I'd want it out of anything other than curiosity. And that isn't something I'm comfortable doing now anyway. So yeah, surgery is a question I fantasis about but have not reached a conclusion on.

5. When do you usually tell your SO/friends you're transgender? Is it when you first meet, do you wait to get to know them first, or do you never tell them?

It is usually determined around how accepting they are. Anyone getting to know me as anything closer than aquaintance will know. I have not had the issue yet of explaining to someone having introduced myself to them as male that I was born female, but I'm sure that day will come. I'm not looking forward to it. A lot of people dont want really want to know about being trans, they dont know what to do and cant relate. the only people I've had outright reject it are my family, everyone else can see that I'm not really a girl.

6. Do you want to have children (adopted/sex/otherwise)?

An unanswered question. When I was a kid I picked out names for my children because I assumed that everyone got married and had children when they grew up, and thus I would too. This was a one time occasion, and I've never been children/baby inclined. It remains an unanswered question.

7. Anything else you want to say about being transgender? Stories, views, etc.

It feels like a trap. Like some absurd make-up you cannot take off, or situation that you cannot get out of. You rage quietly at the injustice that you can never defeat, never solve, never express, never overcome with regards to prejudice, everywhere. Implicit or explicit, it is there, pervasive, all consuming, rarely discussed, always felt. Its something you bottle up, accept, attempt to live live within the playground you've been given. But you will never be happy with that playground, it was never yours, it feels more like a placating throw away gesture, like somehow you've been denied yourself by some other unknowable, unstoppable power that you cannot fight against. Kinda like a poverty trap, but with gender.

[Jockey]

As a non-op trans man.

1. I'm not a transgender, I'm transgender. And I don't know what it's like to not be transgender, because I've been transgender for as long as I can remember being aware of gender.

2. I knew that I was different in a gendered way because it was pointed out to me by other kids around age 3. When I was 4, another kid slammed a bathroom door on my hand (I got it x-rayed but nothing broke). By the time I was 5 I was praying to God to please make me a real boy or a real girl but not this, please.

I was 7 years old when I first learned that there were other transgender people out there, and that SRS existed, and that was what prompted me to really wonder if I was truly transgender or not. Oddly enough, I kept wondering for a while, sometimes certain I was and sometimes not so certain. I was very conflicted, especially because I belong to a religious community that frowns on even the gender bending I was doing.

The biggest problem I faced in my youth gender-wise was that I was not accepted as male or female. I felt compelled to dress look and act male (especially after being beat up at age 11 for being a "fag") and at the same time claimed I wasn't doing that.

I spent a lot of time and energy trying to prevent the people who saw me as female from interacting with the people who saw me as male because I really just didn't want to be seen as a liar, I guess. I'm not sure why.

Around the time I turned seventeen, when I was in college, I decided to be out as trans, which I kept up for about a year after which I started just living as a guy on purpose and stealth. I've been doing that for almost six years now. I started on testosterone at 19. I have no intention to have any surgery.

3. What's it like to be cisgender? I said, I don't know.

4. No, I don't want surgery. I have had surgeries for non-trans things and they hurt. With underwear on, I pass for male perfectly well, even in medical situations where I have an ultrasound with my shirt off (for gallstones). I do have breasts. So do lots of guys. They are hairy, woolly mammath breasts. And I like to inject my insulin into them. I have on and off bound them (mostly haven't), and when I was a lot younger had some dysphoria around them but right now I see no reason to do anything with them. I love my chest. I think it is beautiful.

As for bottom surgery- my doctors would like for me to have my ovaries and womb removed to remove the risk of cancer. But I think that would increase my risk of osteoporosis and plus, I hate surgery. Also I feel like having a doctor inspect me pre-surgically down there would be somewhat traumatic, and it would be embarrassing. I live stealth- I don't like to admit to having feminine parts.

I do sometimes think about metedioplasty, but I really don't have a reason. My clitoris looks reasonably penis-like to me, and I don't have any sex partners or anybody I show it to. It occasionally bugs me when I masturbate, but not really. It's just me. I feel like, especially having looked around in the men's locker room, that we all look different and my genitalia are just an extreme and that's okay with me.

5. I either tell people right away, or never, usually. I might come out later if they are talking about trans topics especially if they are talking about being trans or having a trans kid or something. I'll come out off the bat if we're in a queer space, sometimes. If I'm on okcupid (where I'm listed as male and bisexual and my profile says I don't want sex) or something chatting with a gay guy... well honestly, the only time I've come out in that situation was when the other guy said he was trans, which I'd already guessed by the profile picture. I am EXTREMELY good at spotting trans people. I don't come out to all the trans people I know though- for instance if I don't think they can keep their mouths shut.

6. I am infertile but would love to be in a position to foster or adopt.

7. My impression of gay transmen is that they tend to get partnered to each other. You can hide that you're trans if you want to just have a random sex encounter, or there are lots of guys out there who are "queer" and up for anything- but most of the time if I come out to a gay guy I hear something like, "Oh, I thought you were cute." The operative word being "thought". The cisgender guys who'll partner with a trans guy usually identify as queer or bisexual or fairy or something other than gay. Which can create some tensions

Edit: I misread #3. Sorry. I'm not gay or lesbian.

And I do walk around bare chested. I go swimming in just my swim trunks. I'm pretty near sighted and can't see how people might be reacting given that I take my glasses off to swim, but nobody has ever said anything about it. I swam bare chested once before testosterone and have swam bare chested a number of times in the past year. I used to swim with a t-shirt on. Nobody's said anything about that either, although where I was working as a camp counselor (sort of), the boys all started wearing their t-shirts in the water too; it was kinda cool.

[Nalle Neversure]

You might find this thread useful, ThisAceWantsCake. :)

[Miles Edgeworth]

First I want to tell you I'm masculine (not to me confused with masculine girl) not male, but still trans

1. What's it like to be a transgender?

Hard When people don't believe you and call you 'she' instead of 'he' or 'ze'.

2. When did you know you were transgender? What problems did you face?

not sure. I faced Problems because of my new awareness and the fact that people tend to ignore what I say when my passport says 'f'

3. What's it like to be a gay/lesbian transgender (if that's what you are)?

I'm ace and that's just one more thing people will ignore. People think I'm lesbian thought.

4. Do all transgender people want surgery? I know a lot of people can't have it for whatever reason, but are there transgender people who just plain don't want it? If you're one of those people, why?

I want to remove the 'thingies' in the front and have hormones, but no penis for me.

5. When do you usually tell your SO/friends you're transgender? Is it when you first meet, do you wait to get to know them first, or do you never tell them?

I tell when I meet new people so they know from the start as it's harder to tell later and I can't see a reason not to.

6. Do you want to have children (adopted/sex/otherwise)?

No I rather want to kill them

7. Anything else you want to say about being transgender? Stories, views, etc.

Not other than people tend to ignore when you tell them about your gender.

[Oswald]

1. What's it like to be a transgender?

It's alright, mostly. It's not like I've ever been cisgender. Some things are a pain, like when straight cisguys get crushes on me, and it's ALWAYS straight cisguys who act on stuff like that with me. In fact, any visually-oriented compliment from a straight cisguy like "you're cute" can actually pretty much ruin my night (and has on more than one occasion). I live with my dad, who has no idea and will never know about it, so I'm usually on edge, too.

2. When did you know you were transgender? What problems did you face?

I didn't actually identify it till I was about 20-21ish, but I'd always felt more like I should be off with the boys doing boy things than anything. My mom didn't like that for whatever reason and it left a big impact. I also got in a fistfight with my aunt when I was twelve because she'd openly noticed I was growing boobs. Somehow this still didn't tip off my folks. They must be really dense.

3. What's it like to be a gay/lesbian transgender (if that's what you are)?

I'm aromatic and asexual. It's average.

4. Do all transgender people want surgery? I know a lot of people can't have it for whatever reason, but are there transgender people who just plain don't want it? If you're one of those people, why?

Not at all. I don't want it because it's painful, expensive, and I actually look good now. Just not guy-good. What if I went on T and turned out to be a really weird-looking guy? Even though I'm stressed a lot, I think it beats physical pain and being broke.

Now if I ever wound up in a fire or explosion or some other kind of accident where I'd need skin grafts on my torso or something, I'd probably try and convince the doctor to give me a mastectomy too and make it look like I was just originally a guy who got mutilated in a fire. Like, "really, don't bother trying to save my chest, I never liked having boobs anyway." I mean, if I'm going to be in a ton of pain and debt irregardless of the situation, then yeah, that's when I'd go for it. I'm not sure a surgeon would actually try and make it look like real battle scars though. That might be asking too much.

5. When do you usually tell your SO/friends you're transgender? Is it when you first meet, do you wait to get to know them first, or do you never tell them?

If it comes up, I tell them. If some straight cisguy decides he likes me, I tell him. And then accuse him of being bi for liking me at all. Which is probably very rude of me, but hey, if someone's going to misgender me even after being told off about it, they have it coming.

6. Do you want to have children (adopted/sex/otherwise)?

No.

7. Anything else you want to say about being transgender? Stories, views, etc.

I'm really anxious whenever it comes to even buying guys' clothes, but then once I'm actually wearing them I keep getting this "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I DO THIS SOONER!?" tidal wave of relief pummeling me. I'll probably be like that about getting a short haircut too. I always feel like I'm letting somebody down, somewhere, just because so many people keep insisting I'm really pretty when I dress like a chick, but on the flip side it's amazing when people openly seem to not care where I'm getting my clothes and just think it looks good on me. The more guys' clothes I buy, the more often that happens, which is a major plus. It's probably just really evident I'm happier and more at ease in guys' clothes, and quite frankly, most people are just easier to deal with when they're happy and at ease.

[Hexagon]

1. What's it like to be a transgender?

Depends what stage you're at. Pre-transition, it sucks hard. During transition, assuming you pass, its much better, but binding SUCKS HELL.

2. When did you know you were transgender? What problems did you face?

People will often experience gender dysphoria at age 3-9 first, but many will not accept it. So do, though. The main first problem is getting one's parents' support.

3. What's it like to be a gay/lesbian transgender (if that's what you are)?

I'm asexual so I can't really comment from personal experience. But I doubt sexuality will be a particularly pressing problem for most.

4. Do all transgender people want surgery? I know a lot of people can't have it for whatever reason, but are there transgender people who just plain don't want it? If you're one of those people, why?

Not all. I'm not one of them though.

5. When do you usually tell your SO/friends you're transgender? Is it when you first meet, do you wait to get to know them first, or do you never tell them?

I told my friends and moved country. Since then, I haven't told anyone. And don't plan to. I'm asexyaro so I don't think SOs will be a problem.

6. Do you want to have children (adopted/sex/otherwise)?

Dunno. I guess I'll find out. But not sex.

7. Anything else you want to say about being transgender? Stories, views, etc.

Feel free to PM me about any specific details or questions.