anxiety and discomfort of getting touched.

[Shion]

i know of this friend, whom i believe whilst maintained a healthy adoration of the opposite sex, she gets uncomfortable with touches. she sometimes do get uncomfortable if i hug her or something<sometimes i naughtily put an arm around her just to be mean but usually i do not maintain much physical contact with her>. i used to wonder if she was asexual and then it seemed not the case....she seemed to have a stronger desire for sex (she is willing to admit that) but she just couldn't stand being touched. i could somewhat "understand" that concept though i have no idea if that was a form of asexuality, or suppressive sexual.

i on the other hand enjoy hugs but just dont get too aroused or interested when it comes to sex. :?

i also have another friend with that same problem and when i go: luvya! she gets really uncomfortable too. :oops: i really do mean LOVE, but i dont mean anything sexual...she's a cool person you see.... :cry:

[KleenexCow]

My main reason for hating to be touched is because I'm so ticklish. I can't even get massages, I'm so ticklish. Don't try to touch my shoulders, neck, back, side, under arms, stomach, backs of legs, knees, or the soles of my feet. I will tense up and probably hit you. Maybe it's a similar thing for one of them. Are they especially ticklish?

I'm also mildly claustrophobic. I have no problem will walls; it's people that's the problem, especially if I am very close to a lot of people for a long period of time, and I can see open space, but can't go there for one reason or another. I don't freak out, though, I just get kind of stressed, become unable to concentrate, and get a little snappish. One or both might similarily be a claustrophobe.

Neither of these things for me, are sexual things. Despite the fact that I, personally, am asexual, I think a dislike of being touched doesn't necessarily mean asexuality in every case.

[Amcan]

There was a big discussion on touching not long ago.

This the thread:

http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic...hlight=touching

Or just a general search for touching and it comes up.

[meep]

Your friend's discomfort for touching sounds a lot like mine... and in this situation, you remind me a lot of a friend I have. She came to understand how much I dislike physical contact, and has become the most respectful person of my personal space that I know. She appologizes if she bumps into me. If people hug me, she tells them that I don't like it because she knows I won't say it myself. She asks for permission if she's going to lean on me or anything like that. I am SO greatful for all of this- I can't even put it into words.

So... I don't know if your friend would appreciate something like that, but I thought it might be helpful to mention that I really do.

[borrowedTime]

I'm similarly uncomfortable with people touching me like that.

I have no real problem shaking hands; it's a formulaic thing and I know how to deal with it.

Equally it doesn't bother me particularly if someone accidentally bumps into me on the metro, say. It wasn't intentional and it's over as soon as it happened.

But it seems to be any sort of unpredictable affectionate touch that affects me most.

I wonder if it's to do with being particularly sensitive to touch. I know that if someone, for example, just puts a hand on my shoulder, I'll immediately twitch and become tense.

Or when someone tries to hug me, I just panic and don't know what to do with my hands and arms, or where to look.

It just seems such an intense feeling, when someone touches me like this; suddenly I feel a sense of shock, my pulse races, all other external stimuli vanish from my mind and my whole thoughts are directed at this one uncomfortable situation. As soon as it finishes I relax again

I should also say, that it isn't for lack of wanting touch... I'd really love to be able to hug someone, or nonchalantly hold hands with them as we walk down the street... but the knowledge of the sudden anxiety I'll get is difficult to ignore.

I don't think there's necessarily any connection with (a)sexuality; for me it's the same whether it's someone I'm attracted to, someone I'm not attracted to, friend, relation, stranger, etc. None of the emotions I feel are either sexual or based on a repulsion to sex.

And I've heard of plenty of sexual people who aren't comfortable being touched, and plenty of asexual people who are.

[Cate Perfect]

And I've heard of plenty of sexual people who aren't comfortable being touched, and plenty of asexual people who are.

I know a few sexual people who don't like being touched--it makes me wonder how they got their children. Unless sex is the only way they can be intimate with another person--then I feel bad for their spouses because that means they only touch their spouse when they want sex.

Cate

[borrowedTime]

I know a few sexual people who don't like being touched--it makes me wonder how they got their children. Unless sex is the only way they can be intimate with another person--then I feel bad for their spouses because that means they only touch their spouse when they want sex.

I wonder if it's not situation-dependent, and dependent on a gradual building up of trust between the couple.

When someone touches me, I feel out of control; if I knew what to expect, and what was going to happen, and what to do, I'd feel more in control - and so I'd be more comfortable with the situation.

For some people it takes longer to be at that stage with someone. Others can handle it immediately.

For a spouse of someone who initially finds touch uncomfortable, I think they just need to take lots of time, and let this person gradually get used to different types of physical contact with them.

It just takes longer to reach the point where the trust in the relationship is at a sufficient level for touch to be easy.

[Cate Perfect]

Well, one of the couples I know with a touch-shy partner has been married for 15 years and the other has been together for 35 years. Both couples still have sex so it's not like they hate one another (sorry for the wonky grammar there). I just mean--it's not a sign of not being in love with their spouse.

Cate

[VivreEstEsperer]

I wonder if it's to do with being particularly sensitive to touch. I know that if someone, for example, just puts a hand on my shoulder, I'll immediately twitch and become tense.

Or when someone tries to hug me, I just panic and don't know what to do with my hands and arms, or where to look.

It just seems such an intense feeling, when someone touches me like this; suddenly I feel a sense of shock, my pulse races, all other external stimuli vanish from my mind and my whole thoughts are directed at this one uncomfortable situation. As soon as it finishes I relax again

Borrowedtime, same exact thing with me. i *want* touch but i still ... flinch horribly whenever someone does it...and i think how dare they and i think how they invaded my space and then i think...hey...that kinda felt good. kinda contradictory. but yeah i have such an automatic tense/flinch reaction to touch. And SO MANY PEOPLE USE TOUCH TO COMMUNICATE i dont understand it necessarily like I can understand when I have my walkman on they touch me because they dont think i can hear them even tho I can , i dont like this but understand it. but when i dont have the walkman on? why dont you come up to me and talk to me - why do you have to poke me in the shoulder to get my attention? i dont like people poking me. lay a hand on my shoulder or something and that feels more relaxing, but give me notice first let me see you're coming but just poking me out of nowhere...ick.

but if this is the level of connection they operate on then i want it. the other day i was listening to some music after a class ended and this kid i know (and like/respect as a person) came up to me and gave me a little poke/touched me on the shoulder or something like that. Now again i would have preffered a simple hello but...and I immediately flinched and tensed my shoulders/reflex but then I smiled genuinely at him because hey he was recognizing me he was saying hello to me he cared I existed... that counts a lot in my book. and it was interesting there was someone else watching this interchange that knew some of my history ad i was wondering what she was thinking but she just kind of gave a surprised laugh...

and..so..that might have had more of a point if it wasn't so late at night:)

Kate