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My sexual identity keeps changing


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#1 faltered

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Posted 04 July 2012 - 05:41 AM

So, I'm sorry, I've been away a long time. I'm running from my sexual identity like the plague. I can't help it. I feel lost and full of self loathing as of late. And now, after leaving I'm back and going to the only group of people I have ever trusted with such things.

I still view myself as an asexual. My sexuality in that sense has not changed.

However, I believe my orientation is changing. I met someone a few weeks ago. And I am crushing on them hard. They are all I think about and dream about right now. I dream of all the romantic things I can't do with my wife. We are in an open relationship and so this would be fine, except, its not a woman I'm crushing on.

I first two months ago found myself being drawn towards feminine or androgynous guys and being physically attracted to them. Again, You all know how it is to find someone stunning yet not be sexually attracted to them. But there is a problem. My wife has made it very clear she finds gay attraction between men kinda gross and indicated she would leave me. I can't let that happen. Hell, I haven't gotten around to telling her I'm asexual yet. I just let her keep busy with her girlfriend which saves me the hassle.

But this, this hurts. I already can't deal with not being like every one expects me to be. And now I'm having attractions that will fuel that self hate even more. I don't even know the damn question to ask. Maybe I'm just pouring my heart out because the alternative is crying myself to sleep right now.
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#2 Electric Barbarella

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Posted 04 July 2012 - 08:33 AM

...so your wife has a girlfriend, but finds men's attraction towards other men "kinda gross"? Yay for double-standards. :rolleyes:

But why is discovering that you might be attracted (if only physically, not sexually) to men such a problem? If you decide to go by your wife's opinion it just means you won't act on it, instead of stopping yourself from feeling it - that would be something impossible to do.

If you just realized this, it might be a little overwhelming, that's true. So Maybe you should just think on it more and not come to any decisions about it now. No need to change your whole life just because you discovered a new nuance of your sexuality. :)

Of course, if you need to have a cry about it - do so! It might help you get ready of those "out of control" emotions you're experiencing. And keep posting here. We'll do our best to help! :cake:
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#3 faltered

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Posted 04 July 2012 - 03:11 PM

...so your wife has a girlfriend, but finds men's attraction towards other men "kinda gross"? Yay for double-standards. :rolleyes:

But why is discovering that you might be attracted (if only physically, not sexually) to men such a problem? If you decide to go by your wife's opinion it just means you won't act on it, instead of stopping yourself from feeling it - that would be something impossible to do.

If you just realized this, it might be a little overwhelming, that's true. So Maybe you should just think on it more and not come to any decisions about it now. No need to change your whole life just because you discovered a new nuance of your sexuality. :)

Of course, if you need to have a cry about it - do so! It might help you get ready of those "out of control" emotions you're experiencing. And keep posting here. We'll do our best to help! :cake:


Thank you. Yes, its a bad double standard. I'm so shy in relationships any way who knows about acting on it. I know I don't want to keep my feelings suppressed, I spent to many years trying to pretend to be sexual. I'll think on this a bit more and how to handle it. And yes, I just realized it so to speak. I remember when I was younger telling my parents that a man I saw was pretty. The backlash was enough that I never said it outloud again. So i wonder if perhaps its always been there.
You are never free until you learn to live free.

#4 Electric Barbarella

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Posted 04 July 2012 - 06:54 PM

Thank you. Yes, its a bad double standard. I'm so shy in relationships any way who knows about acting on it. I know I don't want to keep my feelings suppressed, I spent to many years trying to pretend to be sexual. I'll think on this a bit more and how to handle it. And yes, I just realized it so to speak. I remember when I was younger telling my parents that a man I saw was pretty. The backlash was enough that I never said it outloud again. So i wonder if perhaps its always been there.


Hey, it's no problem. ^_^ I'm sorry I can't help more, but in these situations it's hard to be precise. Especially when it's a journey you have to go through on your own. You might find people here in the same boat, but in the end it's your decision on what to do, yeah? But I do hope you find a way to conciliate your feelings with the "expectations" of others. Maybe your agony with this situation is as a throwback to the past, but don't forget that you, now, are probably different then you were then, so you can react to it in another way. If you're shy, though, do take your time on thinking about it, yes. Any type of "coming out" is hard business, so let yourself be really ready for it, cause only then you'll be strong enough to stand any type of comments directed your way. :)
Signed, the demi formerly known as A. Belladonna.
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Hey, there's still Barbarella in my name. :P
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Don't monkey with my business.
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#5 PerfectlyDarkTails

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Posted 04 July 2012 - 08:28 PM

Yeah, I believe asexuality can change within itself. I'm still Aromantic and Asexual but preferences and who I find attractive change. From exclucive hetero-attractivity Aromantic Asexuality, to bi-attractivity Aromantic Asexuality. Aesthetic attractions, views, etc. 

#6 Kallan

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Posted 05 July 2012 - 04:23 AM

Glad you came back to us. I just got back to AVEN too. It's a great support mechanism, and we're here for you. :cake:

Like you said you're a long way from acting on it, so don't pressure yourself to figure things out immidiately. Though you should probably be thinking about ways to talk more openly with your wife about your sexuality.

More cake!!! :cake:
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Rule #2 Follow through Rule #11 Pick battles you can win
Rule #3 Know your surroundings Rule #12 Don't hold back
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Rule #7 Pay attention to details Rule #16 Know much, say little
Rule #8 Ask the right questions Rule #17 Go with what works
Rule #9 When in doubt, be Honest Rule #18 Life is not about Existing, it is about Experiencing

#7 faltered

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 05:55 PM

Glad you came back to us. I just got back to AVEN too. It's a great support mechanism, and we're here for you. :cake:

Like you said you're a long way from acting on it, so don't pressure yourself to figure things out immidiately. Though you should probably be thinking about ways to talk more openly with your wife about your sexuality.

More cake!!! :cake:


Thank you. I'm doing much better now. Went on vacation, wife couldn't come. I agonized over this for days, was stressed out and nervous. Finally when I got back I came clean with everything to my wife. Over the last year or two she has changed significantly. I had a talk with her this morning as a mater of fact. It took her some time and questions to process what asexuality was to begin with, thne the concept of sexual fluidity and romantic and aesthetic attraction vs sexual attraction. In the end she said she understood and that she was okay with who I was now.

I'm far from being perfectly okay with myself, but at least now I'm not hiding it. She appears not just okay with it but okay with me exploring this new side of myself when I'm ready. Guess I was paranoid for no reason. Definitely need to stay around here, I simply haven't met anyone else like those on here.
You are never free until you learn to live free.

#8 Kaillem

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Posted 09 July 2012 - 05:20 AM


Glad you came back to us. I just got back to AVEN too. It's a great support mechanism, and we're here for you. :cake:

Like you said you're a long way from acting on it, so don't pressure yourself to figure things out immidiately. Though you should probably be thinking about ways to talk more openly with your wife about your sexuality.

More cake!!! :cake:


Thank you. I'm doing much better now. Went on vacation, wife couldn't come. I agonized over this for days, was stressed out and nervous. Finally when I got back I came clean with everything to my wife. Over the last year or two she has changed significantly. I had a talk with her this morning as a mater of fact. It took her some time and questions to process what asexuality was to begin with, thne the concept of sexual fluidity and romantic and aesthetic attraction vs sexual attraction. In the end she said she understood and that she was okay with who I was now.

I'm far from being perfectly okay with myself, but at least now I'm not hiding it. She appears not just okay with it but okay with me exploring this new side of myself when I'm ready. Guess I was paranoid for no reason. Definitely need to stay around here, I simply haven't met anyone else like those on here.



Oh my goodness. I'm so glad things worked out for you. Figuring yourself out can be frustrating and confusing, and doing it with a partner who you don't know will accept you ... I think that'd be too much for me. Congratulations, and here's some cake. :D :cake: :cake: :cake:

#9 faltered

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 01:50 AM



Glad you came back to us. I just got back to AVEN too. It's a great support mechanism, and we're here for you. :cake:

Like you said you're a long way from acting on it, so don't pressure yourself to figure things out immidiately. Though you should probably be thinking about ways to talk more openly with your wife about your sexuality.

More cake!!! :cake:


Thank you. I'm doing much better now. Went on vacation, wife couldn't come. I agonized over this for days, was stressed out and nervous. Finally when I got back I came clean with everything to my wife. Over the last year or two she has changed significantly. I had a talk with her this morning as a mater of fact. It took her some time and questions to process what asexuality was to begin with, thne the concept of sexual fluidity and romantic and aesthetic attraction vs sexual attraction. In the end she said she understood and that she was okay with who I was now.

I'm far from being perfectly okay with myself, but at least now I'm not hiding it. She appears not just okay with it but okay with me exploring this new side of myself when I'm ready. Guess I was paranoid for no reason. Definitely need to stay around here, I simply haven't met anyone else like those on here.



Oh my goodness. I'm so glad things worked out for you. Figuring yourself out can be frustrating and confusing, and doing it with a partner who you don't know will accept you ... I think that'd be too much for me. Congratulations, and here's some cake. :D :cake: :cake: :cake:


Thank you! And since I'm on a so far extremely successful low carb diet, I'm going to assume all three pieces are carb free cake. Sugar free too. Hey, i can dream right? :P
You are never free until you learn to live free.




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